 Hello my beautiful internet friends and welcome back today. We are gonna be talking about this individual She looks plucky and hopeful and spunky and yeah Well, I have a lot of feelings about the individual in this particular photo and let's talk about it I've spent all afternoon going through old photos and these are all photos that were taken when I lived in Indiana That used to be like the golden time in my life. There was one year it was actually a little bit less than a year that I lived in Indiana when I was going to school at Taylor University and I was 18 and 19 and it was like the first time I ever lived away from home And I was going to school and things were complicated and difficult and I was figuring stuff out And how do you like go to class have a social life and get laundry done? I never actually figured that out, but it was beautiful and I built a family there and it was amazing And so these are all photos from that time in my life and that time in my life is so contrasted With what came right after and we're gonna talk about how I viewed the merging of those two versions of myself And how I see it now, so let's talk a little bit about love and self-compassion and self-blame. I don't know about you That sounds like a fun time to me. Let's dive in so quick word of warning We are gonna be talking a little bit about trauma We're gonna talk a little bit about abusive relationships and sexual assault but nothing in detail So that's nothing that concerns you or triggers you I'm a link a video of adorable German shepherd puppies down below just follow that link instead of watching this video And I lived in Indiana in 2009 to 2010 and then I came back home because I was having issues with my ankle I was in a lot of pain. I could barely walk There were just a lot of problems and their issues was funding at my school And so I had to come home coming home From that place was like one of the most devastating blows of my life. I loved it there I built a home there I built a family and I felt loved like I never felt loved by people in my life in Indiana and I came home and I was so lost. I was so alone. I was always like a super people-pleasing person when I was younger I never really let people in I never really let them know me But even still I felt like people found their way in in Indiana, but back in Colorado. It felt like a wasteland, right? I I didn't know who I was I didn't know what I was doing It felt like the the mat was ripped out from underneath me And I started going to a house church run by a family that was as close as my biological family Here's where the story actually takes a dark turn I met a gentleman there who was seven years my senior He was serving in a capacity as sort of a pastor. He was a leader at the church He was really charismatic and he knew exactly what I needed He knew that I was super lonely. He knew that I never let people in He knew what I needed to hear and he said it and we kind of started a relationship That was on and off for 11 months and he was extraordinarily abusive, but I didn't see it I sincerely did not see it for 11 months anything that ever happened I just slapped a label on that box of you know He's he's a work in progress like we're told to forgive people and that's really fine that he you know Crossed those boundaries with me or he did something that I said no to and he want you know continued anyways I you know because he's a broken man and he's trying and blah blah blah like all of this just spiritually manipulative crap that he fed me that I had digested and I had heard most of my life in other regards too And I did not have the the knowledge or the understanding or the willingness to see what was happening So for 11 months abuse escalated until in October of 2011 still freaking hate October for all of you Halloween nuts out there I'm really sorry. I just I can't stand it. I hate it at the end of October I was sexually assaulted again by him. This wasn't the first time it happened But something about that morning the circumstances were finally clear enough that I saw what was happening I saw what a dangerous person he was and I was able to Surprisingly safely exit that relationship those 11 months and specifically the end of it changed me forever Without a shadow of a doubt. I was no longer the Jordan that I was before I legitimately considered getting a tattoo of a gravestone on me in the months after with like RIP You know my name and that date that it happened because I can't put into words how much That person the person who was before to me had died was gone was murdered But I was like forced to still be alive It was like being reborn into a world that I never wanted to be a part of my eyes were opened to so much darkness To so much pain. I was dealing with PTSD and depression and panic attacks And I was a mess and the biggest thing that set in more than anything else more than anger over what happened I hated me. I hated myself. I absolutely despised the person I was for letting this happen all of the qualities, which I actually do believe are beautiful qualities that in my mind had Contributed to this abuse. I tried to kill in myself and any memory that reminded me that they existed in me I just wanted to hulk out and ruin like the fact that I was the most trusting person that I knew I believe the absolute best in everybody. I was so very trusting. I was so very forgiving I was really innocent. I was just like I was a really great person. Okay. I was really nice And I hated I hated every single positive quality because that person who abused me manipulated all of those had had used Those to hurt me and I saw that as my fault when reality that was his fault He's responsible for his own action and during those first few months And I'll be honest with you the first few years when I saw photos of this person Of this girl. I wanted to scream. I wanted to kill her I felt so much hatred and I'm actually struggling to like find word for how much negative emotion I directed towards specifically these photos because this was before there was a before Joe and there was an after Joe And this was the before Joe who had contributed to it in my mind and in these photos I saw like innocence and and everything but I think the biggest thing that I saw was hope I saw like hope in me for a better life I saw faith because I was such a Christian person at this time. I believe so strongly in God I had a really strong faith and I hated that in these photos I just I hated remembering who I used to be because that person existed without knowing how dark the world could be I think I really hated her happiness because I couldn't feel that anymore I hated that joy because that was gone and it used to be there and I could see it Like I could almost touch it in these photos, but it was absolutely Disappeared and so I saw these pictures and I wanted to burn them I wanted to erase the memory of that person because it was so painful to think about because I no longer existed in that world And in recent years as I have gone through years of therapy go to therapy if you can guys It's fantastic. At least it has been for me. I've worked through a lot of the self-blame I've worked through a lot of the self-hatred But one thing that has taken a really long time to let go was this feeling that I would ever be okay I would ever be all right with myself I would ever actually have hope for the future or feel positive things about looking forward And these photos were such a reminder of hopes that had been dashed Honestly, and I can remember so many instances of sitting in my townhouse all alone Feeling like this feeling would never end feeling like this darkness that was so encompassing Like there was no way I could picture a life without any of it I could not look forward at the future like I didn't have a future in my mind It was just Trying to breathe until the end of the day having a happy relationship was a ridiculous proposition Having a healthy relationship was a ridiculous proposition Having things I actually found joy in or moments of the day where I didn't think about or I wasn't aware of The trauma that I experienced felt like it was completely impossible But I'm sitting here almost nine years past everything that happened And now when I look through these photos, I can finally feel compassion for this person I finally feel a lot of love for her. I look at these pictures now and I'm happy that she was happy I'm glad for her joy. I don't resent that anymore because I felt it again And I think the biggest lesson for me and the biggest reminder and something that I come back to often is I know how positive I used to be looking at photos like this that I would never feel Okay that I would never actually feel hopeful that I would never be all right even for a single freaking second I was so sure of that like if you're in that kind of a position right now Let me just assure you that I was I was like a hundred percent sure that I would never be okay again There wasn't a question in my mind, right? And I was so wrong because I am now really really happily married to a really good guy We have a really healthy relationship where we work through things. We live in a house where I feel safe We have three amazing dogs We have a bunch of puppies and kitties and rats that run around they bring me a lot of joy and life is difficult still Mental health is challenging still, but I absolutely do have hope I absolutely can look towards the future and picture good things for myself I'm so glad that I stuck around that I didn't listen to all those feelings of darkness Whispering that I didn't have a future because things do feel different now and going through all of these photos this afternoon It's cool to me to see the person that I used to be I'm definitely not her like I'm not I'm not this girl in the by the way This was a cemetery. I'm not this girl in the cemetery anymore trying to look cool in my overly patterned dress Which by the way, I wish I still had it. It's it's pretty cute, isn't it? Like I'm not her anymore But I love who I used to be and I can feel at least compassion and understanding for where she was and Love for who I used to be instead of just hatred and blame It's taken a long time to work through a lot of those feelings It's taken a long time to realize that what happened wasn't caused by me wasn't my fault Wasn't because I was a nice person. It was because someone else wasn't a nice person But I wanted to share this with you guys today because going through these photos is such a good reminder to me that we can be so sure of something and So wrong I knew that I didn't have hope or a future, but I was very wrong I knew that I would never ever ever ever be okay I would never have a moment of breathing without the darkness and I was so wrong Because I do have those moments and I was pretty darn certain that I would hate her for freaking ever and I don't So if you're in the middle of something where you just feel like you are absolutely drowning or the darkness will never end Or you cannot picture a way out. I get it. I really do and you're not wrong for feeling that way It lasted for a bit for me like there was a lot of fighting that had to happen There was a lot of holding on even though I there was like nothing to hold on to and just going to bed And waking up and trying to make it to the end of another day still breathing But I I did it and I'm here and life is so different than what I ever pictured it could be In actually a much better way than I ever could have pictured it even though even though there's still stuff There's always still stuff life is still good. I'm really grateful for it I guess what I'm saying is if you're struggling, please hold on Please know that we can be so sure of something when our minds lie to us My therapist says we can't believe everything we think and I think that's so true So hang in there. Take care of yourselves. You're worth it. Thanks for listening guys I so appreciate it It is a great honor of my life to be able to share my story with you guys and Be able to hear yours and talk in the comment section So let me know in the comment section if you've ever felt this way if you've ever been so sure of something and yet so wrong I'd love to hear your story down below. Thank you to all of my patrons You guys keep this channel alive You keep my puppies fed and you keep the lights on in this house. You really help and to everyone watching Thank you. I love you guys. I'm thinking of you and I'll see you in the next video. Bye guys