 Hello, I'm every politician in Washington. Running the country is hard enough, but explaining myself to voters, that's impossible. Most of them went to public schools. That's why I use Grammarly, government edition. It makes helpful suggestions to all my message. So you mouth-breathing sheep see things the way I want you to. Oh, that's a good idea. All I have to do is set the party slider and choose whether I want to appeal to the country or my base. Grammarly does the rest, helping me energize support or manufacture outrage. Though honestly, what's the difference? Grammarly turns difficult policy positions into clear, unassailable soundbites and changes messy, unpalatable issues into confusing but easy to swallow misdirection, like a spoonful of subsidized corn syrup. Sugar. With Grammarly, I can use the exact same budget numbers to claim a spending cut or a spending increase. Oh, that makes things a lot more clear. Oh, that makes things a lot less clear. Oh, my donors will love this. Oh. Oh yeah. It can even give complex, morally dubious legislation a cute title that no real American could ever oppose. You may be thinking, voters aren't that dumb. Well, we wouldn't do this if it wasn't working. Grammarly, government edition. Helping Washington shovel all that bullshit you people keep eating. I can't say spaz anymore.