 Hi beautiful people, so before I dive into this video, A, I apologize for the flickering lights overhead, I'm in the garage because my adorable husband is sleeping right now, I don't want to wake him. But I want to let you guys know, I decided on a name for my leg, so many of you guys sent in amazing suggestions, so many of them like made me laugh and made my day, so thank you for that. There were tons of votes for Peggy, or Peggy Von Leggy, or just Peg the Leg, which I loved, Luke Skywalker, like walking, get it? It was a really good one too, there were just more than I can even think of. If you ever want to like laugh, go through the comment section on that video. But the winner, and it was one of the first comments, and I could not stop laughing because I'm super lame, and it's a great name. Is, drum roll please, Christopher Walken. Thank you to this amazing user slash subscriber who sent in that name suggestion from my leg, it will forever be Christopher Walken. Thanks to you, I love the name, I love you for suggesting it, and thank you everybody for your amazing name suggestions. Without further ado, let's dive into a much less chipper and upbeat video. Hey guys, it's Jo and Bridget. I am back home in Colorado, and I have been sitting here in this room with little Bridget and the other rats debating filming this video for the past many minutes, hours, day and a half, if we're totally honest. I have a lot of footage from my trip in Indiana which was just so needed, so necessary, and so wonderful, but I don't know that I'm actually going to publish any of that because a lot of it was me talking when I was in a very dark place and I am not against sharing footage when I'm in a dark place. I spent so much time with good friends which was so needed and so refreshing, but I've noticed that over the past few days there's been a lot of depression like settling in, and it's really been over the past couple weeks. I feel like as I've gotten out of survival mode, post-surgery, I become aware that my mental health is like on shaky ground, and I get scared putting out a video like this because I don't want people to be like, oh, you're just being negative, or we want you to be positive, or like, it's fine, everything will work out because, I don't know, not that I can't handle comments like that and I'm sure that there will probably be some, but I'm very well aware and well informed on what depression in my life looks like because I've struggled with it for years, and I've fought it for years, and I've been castling for it and for other mental health issues for quite some time. And I've effectively fought it for a while, and now it's back and it's heavy, and dark, and the slightly scary kind that I don't like, and I'm used to having words for what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. I've spent a long time fostering at least the beginning of self-awareness so that I could get my brain in a healthy place from past traumas completely unrelated to anything about like my leg or my physical health. And I think I naively thought that a lot of that or if not all of it would translate over into life post surgery dealing with amputation. I think some of it probably does, but I'm finding that right now I'm floundering and I want to have the answers and the words for, oh, this is what I'm feeling, this is why I'm feeling it. It's okay that I'm not okay right now and then just like feeling that for a little bit and then moving on. And that's not where things are. I am like in a dark place. I don't have words for that. And that's just how things are. And that's very uncomfortable and in some ways kind of scary. And I debated filming this video because I don't want to present like a dark view of life, but the reason I started this channel, like if you go back to the first videos, I wasn't even certain that I was going to publish any of these videos because this was initially started to help me process through all of this. And the secondary reason was to like share it with everyone in hopes that it could help anyone else. And so I didn't start this to be quote unquote positive and not authentic. And so hey, I'm just going to let you guys know that right now things are difficult. Things are a little challenging and I am absolutely getting help. I have good people around me who I need to remember to reach out to sometimes because you know if you know anything about depression it makes you isolate yourself and curl up in a ball. And not want to talk to anyone ever. And I have a good therapist who is very helpful and is helping me through this, but I knew that this was going to be challenging. Please don't get me wrong on that. Like I was not so naive to think that like, oh, I'll just be in a little bit of physical pain after surgery and everything will be fine. I knew that this is going to be a challenge to adjust to. But now that I'm being faced with that reality, I'm realizing that yeah, it's like, it's pretty hard. And it's not like things that I thought it would be like it's not going on public and having people stare like that's fine. It's kind of funny sometimes like I really don't care about that. It's not like body image changing. That's odd. That's different. That's weird. But like it's okay. It's whatever. It's it's something else. It's something I don't have a name for yet. And if I ever have a name for it, I will let you know. But right now it's just kind of hard to move. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to do anything. I don't have motivation for life. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop living. It doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing things. I'm going to continue. I'm going to continue pushing forward and taking the steps that I need to take to get to a better place physically, mentally, emotionally, in every regard. But it's hard. She's so sweet. She always knows how to make me smile. So I guess what I'm saying is things are hard right now. I will be okay and have help in place. But I just wanted to be honest and say that I am struggling and that this is not all easy. And that's just the reality of things right now. So I'm going to go ahead and end this video. But I do want to let you know sincerely I will be okay if anyone is concerned. I am aware of at least the basics of what's going on. And that is depression is A, a dangerous thing. B, kind of scary. And C, I need to get help to make it through because I've been in a similar place before. So I take the steps that I need to take to deal with it. And some of those steps involve for me, like I said, getting therapy. Therapy is awesome. It's not easy. It's not fun, but it's super important for me to be able to deal with things in a healthy way and not put things in boxes or isolate myself or start dealing with things in an unhealthy way. Secondly, let the people around me know what's going on like my husband. I talk to him a lot and he's great and some very close friends. I talk to them and they're great. It's not always easy to do, like I said, but I do it. And thirdly, I'm going to continue journaling like I'm going to do right now after I hit stop recording on this camera. Because that is very necessary for me to be able to, like I said, process things in a healthy way. I know that's one thing that works. So even though I don't feel like doing it, I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that right now. And so on that note, I'm going to hit the stop recording button and attend to what I need to attend to. But I wanted to thank you guys for listening. Thank you for all of your messages and your comments and your support. You're truly amazing. And thanks for being there. Let me know if there's any questions that I can answer for you guys. And like I said, I didn't make this video to like worry anybody or get sympathy or anything like that. Like I am aware to some extent of what's going on. I know that I've been in a similar place before and that I need to work through it. It's just not comfortable or fun. And I did want to be honest because parts of the journey are not cool. They are not fun. A lot of it is interesting and cool and fun. I'm going to make it great and I'm going to rock it. But today is not a day where I feel that way at all. Thankfully tomorrow is another day and I will work towards that. So please take care of yourselves until I see you guys next time and I look forward to that. Bye guys.