 Hi, this is very different from what I'm used to and what you guys are used to To get to the point because I know I'm really bad. I had talking all in one go This is just a video that I wanted to make because I thought it was important for me and for you guys because I Like being honest with you. I know I like having this relationship that's like Oh my god, I'm already rambling you guys know I like being honest with you about my life because I don't like creating this facade that my whole life is perfect and okay even though the past few videos may have seen that way because um I Talked about how I'm doing so much better in that get ready with me But that was filmed like three weeks ago and since three weeks life has changed dramatically And by the way, I'm not like I'm not gonna show my face in this not because I'm a coward I show my face every day goddamn But it's because I want you to listen to my words and what I have to say and not focus on my face because I know some people Just look at me because I'm cute and you know what that's not gonna happen today Because I ain't looking cute at all today. Let me tell you So this is just an uncut version of what I wanted to talk about Sort of podcast style except it's more just a vent and I kind of want to start doing this more like On my second channel which I have not done at all. I haven't uploaded anything It was supposed to be a gaming channel first, but I've decided maybe let's do that venting agent Because I used to be a bit like a thing I did where I did a bunch of rants and you guys really like those and I don't really rant anymore about things I kind of just vent out my issues So as you guys on Twitter like do you think is a good idea and all of you said Yeah, it's good for you and we want to hear your input and this could help some people who are in similar situations So if you want to see more of these videos that are just literally a black screen With some film static to make it interesting That can go on from like 10 minutes to 40 minutes that are just like a little talks between you and me Just you can subscribe to that other channel and that's not me advertising it I just rather put this video on the main channel because I feel like Well, it's it's about my main channel. So to get to the point. Holy shit This is be going on for two minutes. I Have been feeling sad for around two weeks now and notice. I don't think this is seasonal depression I don't want to really talk about that topic because they kind of think it's a little controversial I don't want to popularize the idea of like Well that I know people sometimes see it as a trend and I don't want to do anything with that I'm just upset because I get in these mood swings a lot and like Especially at night because I know that's a thing psychologically. I don't know. I didn't really pay attention in class back then But yeah for the past two weeks, I've been really upset and I Haven't really told all my friends. So whoever is watching this right now. I'm sorry. I have to hear it this way Hope you aren't mad at me for not coming up to you in person it's just hard to tell people over and over again and I'm also a little insecure about telling people You'll see why But I felt that well if I'm gonna be honest with like my friends Then I should be honest with my whole audience because you guys are my friends at the end of the day I don't like the fan idea or like making that distinction that you are Just viewers to me. It's not it at all like you mean the world to me So I rather you know what's going on with my life because you care about me and I think it's important basically To I'm gonna say this one time. Okay, so if anyone comments like you're being dramatic fuck off This is a first world problem. This is a first first first world LA girl visco like I Got into college because my parents paid for me kind of problem because I am very blessed to have this platform I am very privileged with these opportunities I get as a youtuber. I know that But I have a feelings too. Okay. I am a human. I realized I just said I have a feelings whatever Yeah, at the end of the day I'm not just some person to watch who's gonna give you entertainment 24-7. Okay. I'm a human being in fucking college I'm emotional shit. Okay. I've been through shit like this. I Go through normal stuff too. So yeah I'm upset and I'm gonna talk about this and these are valid feelings and you're gonna listen and not Try to say like you're being dramatic because I already know I'm always being dramatic. So no need to rub it in That might get cause a controversy. No, I think about it before they just said whatever I said it and invented So on you to my channel for the past I think five or six videos To say at least they've been doing poorly I'm not gonna say shit because they're still like decent I guess but To tell you a little bit about like the behind the scenes of youtubers typically you want to get One-fourth of your audience watching so like let's say I have 200,000 subscribers Well, then I should have 50,000 people watching me if I have 400,000 subscribers I should have around 100,000 people watching me you do the math for the rest that just shows that your channel is doing well And you're growing basically it's like, okay, you're doing fine honey. You can keep going. That's what YouTube's telling you And that's where your audience is telling you they're enjoying it. They're watching it and that Has been my number like my ratio for a while and as much as I hate talking about the numbers side of YouTube and like the analytics and the revenue It's a job. It's my job and I have to care about my job because this is my dream job So yeah, I'm gonna talk about the numbers sometimes and it's also important And I'm on a shame to talk about money or like numbers because it's a reality. I'm not gonna hide it So for my videos lately, you can go check right now. I don't know what it is, but uh, I'd say they've been doing like one-tenth even sometimes below and To say it the least I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know what's going on It all started with that curology video and I was like, okay Yes, that I did reupload that video because I'm a dumbass because the first time I uploaded it it got like 6,000 views in the first hour and my average is 12,000 views So I was like, hmm something's a little off here. That doesn't make sense. Let me try reuploading it Maybe people didn't get a notification So then I reuploaded it and it just did worse because that's what it does and people aren't gonna rewatch the same video Okay, that's common sense. I didn't think about that. So I think it's around almost 40,000 and Currently in my YouTube following is like four hundred sixty five thousand. So I was like, okay Maybe I just had an off day. Maybe the video didn't get Reached like maybe a lot of people didn't watch because it was just reuploaded or maybe people didn't like skin care videos anymore Or the fact that it was sponsored, which I don't know I still don't know if people don't like the sponsored things. Um, let me know Okay, but because I know some like from what I hear you guys don't care And you guys like the fact that I can like I'm trying to Keep what I'm just trying to pay for college like you guys like the idea that I can I'm trying to reach out to more companies and I appreciate that I always get scared doing sponsorships like it's I always don't I Just worry that people are gonna look at it the wrong way because it's not just about money. Okay, but it's Like it is about money. I mean, I obviously but it's not the fact that I'm taking money over honesty Okay, it's never gonna be like that. Let me just tell you right now Um So I thought You know youtube used to demonetize videos and I recommend them because you have like patreon in your description and twitch And youtube hated the fact that you could make money from another platform blah blah blah that was like two years ago So I was like, probably not that maybe just an off day next video still not as good Next video still not as good And I was a painting video and I was like the reason why I did that painting video because I wanted To be like, okay, let me see if it's me or if it's the content because painting videos always do well and Like when I made that curellige video, I got so scared that Like the company would just be mad at me They'd be like, why didn't you get a hundred thousand like you always get a hundred thousand What is this shit? And then the same thing happened with that skillshare video like I just I got scared for myself because I was like I felt like I disappointed The people who trusted me in their company and being able to get their message across So I got to my head mentally a little bit. Um, because you know, I always blame myself for this type like anything I will blame myself. Um But I also noticed like I started losing subscribers and oh my god. Yeah, I know so such a first world problem Yeah, whatever. It's the fact that I had I haven't had like this low of a Viewer ship and subscriber loss since like two years ago And that was because bitch. I stopped making videos that I lost subscribers like it It just hurts because I had all this momentum and you guys saw it Like I went from a hundred thousand to 200,000 to 300 400 and I was like so proud of myself I was like finally maybe I made it on youtube for once and to see it start going down Like it hurt. It's like you think you finally got there You know, you've been telling yourself for four years. Maybe it's 10,000. You'll be fine Maybe it's 50,000 100,000 and you keep telling yourself that And you still are never satisfied and I think I've come to the conclusion that I will never be satisfied with where I am On youtube because I will always think that it could go wrong that I could become a dead youtuber Like someone who just stops getting views and like their audience doesn't like them anymore And I hate to bring up names, but like Tyler Oakley grace hell big hand of heart like we all these oj youtubers Have died out. It's a reality and I don't like that fact that it's a thing so I just got scared because like I know someone has said You know when you go viral you got four years to get the most of or like two years to get the most of it Before you die out and if you don't get the most of it like if you don't Um Do what you can get to the one million. You're just gonna die out because you lost your chance and I I'm still really scared that like Am I losing my like I'm I'm just questioning myself right now. Like did I fuck up Like is this Am I just this is the rest of how the YouTube's gonna go is just gonna go downhill I mean I've lost 2,000 subscribers and like sure. That's not a lot compared to how much I have right now But I still feel like I'm not Doing anything good and it's so sad to say because like You know, like I I know that I was so Proud of myself to get to 100,000 like to have that plaque to know that I reached a goal of mine. I've had for years and To still feel like I'm not doing anything in life and that I don't feel like I'm contributing to the world or just Helping out a community I don't like thinking that way and I'm so upset that a number like numbers Are getting to my head. I mean, this is like that high school should you went through like the fact that a number an a plus Tells you your whole life like I don't like thinking like that And this is the same thing and the problem is I don't really talk about this to anyone because who the fuck goes through the same Thing I am and I'm sorry like there. I don't know any youtubers I know one person and this bitch is in Washington like I'm not going to talk to him every single day He got his own life going. I I want him to have privacy too But other than that, I'm just I've been doing youtube alone. I don't have a friend in la I don't talk to youtubers every day of my life. I'm like that's just false Not every youtuber is a social social butterfly. Okay Like I sit down six hours every day to edit. Does that sound social to you? Um, but I don't know. It's it's like whenever something bad goes wrong with me and it's My personal work. I feel defeated and I feel like I disappointed people Like right now in my head. I'm just telling you my thoughts I feel like people don't like me anymore on youtube or it's that youtube isn't recommending my videos to anyone Um, because they don't watch them anymore Like they don't watch long enough because it's all about watch time everything on youtube guys Let me tell you right now if a video if people don't watch the majority of your video or don't watch a good length It's not going to get recommended and I don't know. It's just that's how it is. That's the algorithm. So I just keep getting these notifications on youtube like we're recommending our your video to other people But they're not watching it as long as they used to and I just thought like is it my content then like did I Do something like is the college content not good? I like normally I always say like my videos can be better. I always want to improve my videos and I feel like right now I'm most proud of my work like the vlogs are Hardest shit to upload. Let me just say that it's hard to edit, but I love doing them because I it's just It's like a time capsule for me to see and I like that idea of showing my personal life to people not just through commentary just through a camera and I Know people say you do youtube for you and it's true. I am doing it for myself. I am happy with the work I'm doing I like editing videos, but It's not fun To know that other people don't get to enjoy it or aren't enjoying it Like I'm putting all this effort in hoping that You guys can see it because I want you to see it and you're not And I don't know why And I know I'm being dramatic, but like I don't want to say it again. I know I'm being dramatic I'm not gonna repeat that ever But I just I don't know like maybe it's just a low in youtube and like someone said like my friend said it's like stocks and I'm like I know that people have ups and downs on youtube, but It you never really know like any day Of the week you could become a dead channel Unrealistically, but still it could happen like I've Now realized every youtube every youtuber probably Has In their head. When am I gonna die out on youtube? Like when is the day coming? and It's really draining like people will always say youtube is such a fun job or people like say you're so lucky to be YouTuber and I am in so many different ways But one thing that I am scared to talk about and I know a lot of people are scared to talk about I'm gonna say it anyways because it's valid. It's really mentally like It you know to say the it fucks with your brain. Okay, like it just does like I You have to edit a video because you're pressured to get one every week And you have to keep up with the system and you have to make sure that you're responding to comments all the time And responding to your dms and you have quality content and you have to edit yourself Along with school and maybe a second job like It gets to you and constantly being on edge like Worrying about the lifespan of your channel or how your channel's health. It's doing it's just I don't want to think about it every day And that's just one that's just one thing that's making me upset By the way, like a lot so many other things are happening right now that I'm going to talk about later How long is this shit? It's 15 minutes. Oh, but I don't know like I wish people could give me an answer. I wish there was an answer to what I'm doing wrong Or like why is it like this and I go to Is it karma like me and karma have a weird relationship? Okay Sometimes I believe in it. Some of us I don't and I always tend to believe in it. One of my life is going to shit um So I just think like it's because I Well, I didn't open the door for an old lady that that day or like I was rude to a customer that time or Maybe I was just being a bitch to my friend like I don't was it that and this is the car like this is the reciprocations or Do people just not like me anymore on my channel or Did I mess up something to Deserve this. I don't know And I know you guys will say like Frederick. It's okay. Like that's not true at all And I get that you guys are saying it And that's like But you guys are like the 5% of the people who always watch the videos. I want to know what the other 95% are thinking because seen my vlog lately just like not do well at all and It's just I really wanted it to do well like I had high expectations for it and It's hard seeing like those red arrows Every day just go down more and more goes from like 50 percent down to 60 percent down Because if you don't know youtube gives you like arrows of your analytics from the like compared to the last month, so It's basically saying your views are down 50 percent from last month Your revenue is down 52 percent from last month. So is your watch time and so are your subscribers And just seeing those drop drop drop every day just Like I think you know what it does to me. Um It's like seeing your grades drop more and more not improving and I know like people are gonna have sympathy for me And I I really appreciate it. I do trust me, but it's Different to have sympathy and different to have empathy for someone and I wish someone can empathize with me right now And there's no one like for those of you don't know the difference It's someone who's been in this situation like I need someone who knows Exactly what I'm going through and can just be there for me because I just have a bunch of caring friends who don't know what shit about the algorithm And are just trying to give their best advice and like I was as much as I appreciated It's not What I need to hear I don't know. By the way, if you hear background noises because I'm live I'm in my dorm right now So sorry about that, but Let's talk about some other stuff that's been upsetting me. Um guys sometimes Men are absolute assholes. Let me just say that And don't like I don't know why I didn't think this earlier. Do not Bother to put effort into someone that doesn't give the effort back to you. Okay. That's just one thing I want you to take from tonight. Just don't bother I'm not going to explain what's happening like what happened with that. I'm done with it. I'm so done and like Another thing that's been bothering me is It's hard to say, but um like I'm single right now I think I've been single for more than two years now And you guys know I always talk about like be independent like yeah, I love yourself And yeah, those are all true like you should be able to love yourself being single and Right now I don't like I'm not as confident as I used to be um and I do like I like being in a relationship. I think it's fun and Nice and romantic because I'm a fucking cancer like bitch. I talk. I think about romance every day And I think it's mainly because of like the time like it's november. It's about to be december It's christmas and then thanks like holidays are coming you get in that mood And it's also because coincidentally like everyone around me is getting into a relationship and I just I know a lot of people think this way like I just think is it because like am I just not wanted and Like I gotta reject it. I've been rejected like what a couple times already since college and Like when it happens to you once it's I mean girls like how many times have you gone into a guy and they reject you and how many of you know the struggle of like Having to have the courage to go to another male every time and just have that rejection just Like tear at your self-esteem for guys. It's just different like they can just I mean It's not like guys every guy. I'm talking to like for straight males and like straight females like it's harder for girls Okay, it's easier for guys because they can just go to a bar and like Find a girl and if they say if they get rejected all whatever you more cute anyways and go to the next person But for girls, it's like you get ready. You do all this shit only to get rejected and you feel Like I don't feel attractive. That's just the truth and I It's hypocritical of me. I know but I don't feel attractive and I know people are going to be like Frederick you have how many followers You know how many gay guys and straight girls want to get with you and it's like, yeah, I know I went through a relationship with one. It was a long-term relationship. It fucking Destroyed me. Like I don't want that again so it's And I can't go on dating apps because then like I just get embarrassed because I feel like someone's just gonna find me and recognize me and I don't like I don't want that it's I don't know. I have a weird relationship with dating apps. I don't really think it's genuine or something That's just my personal opinion though. Do what you want So I'm just here and it's like I don't I don't know People keep saying like you're a catch Frederick like you there's a lot about you and like No, like don't they someone who's not gonna appreciate all of it and it's like there isn't even anyone who wants to So there's I just need to breathe Let's all take a second to breathe and like another thing I think the last thing that's been upsetting me is Oh, honestly, I forgot um Now I do remember Like I don't know what people know Still, but I have an online friend group that's been with me for a long time and I I left it because we had a little fight in the argument and I don't feel the need to come back and I don't know why because I I expected to want to come back because I've known them for two years And I just don't know like what I don't know why I don't want I don't have the will to come back But I also don't really have a will to do anything right now. So it's probably part of it I just don't know like There's more to that story that I don't want to get into just because I want to keep the people's privacy and Sometimes I think like am I just being am I just overthinking everything like am I just an overreactor? And they're just taking this out of proportion Because it makes me I I don't want to be the bitch who chooses A friend group like who dishes a friend group for another like I don't want to turn into You leave your true friends just for temporary friends and I I think I'm gonna end this soon Um I'm not crying by the way. I'm about to I'm not really crying on camera. It's another thing to do. Um but That's all that's been going on in my life and If you're still listening, I just Why um Thank you, I guess for hearing me out and I just know that I appreciate all of you like at the bottom of my heart it's I don't know what I would be without this I don't know what to be without people who care about me every day and take the time to ask about ask around my day And I just don't want to disappoint you guys And I hope this video Just brings us closer So you got a feel for what I'm going through because I don't want to Pretend I'm happy all the time on camera. It's not something it's not my way of going through life um So just know that next week if I'm not as happy You know what like you know It's okay Um, I'm not gonna take a break by the way for anyone who's saying like maybe just take a break from youtube That'll only make things worse this you don't like YouTube is like photography for me. It's like painting for me. It's an escape from reality. I get to express myself. I get to Do what I love so the last thing I want to do is disconnect from you guys even more Because I feel like I've been doing that lately um But I think I'm gonna go now My friends are upstairs waiting. I'm gonna upload this and get out of the way um Christmas merch is coming. You don't know Uh, it's already out, but like just be ready for black friday. It'll be on sale. Um, and I'm not gonna say anything else Because I don't want to promote anything anymore. Okay Well, I love you guys and everything is less than three and Hopefully things get better for me and for anyone else who's in Who just isn't in the best situation. I hope it gets better for you too Because you all deserve to be happy Okay, goodbye