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There he is, and we've got the sands to go with it. Dave, how the hell are you? I'm very good, thank you. Do I need to apologise for my absence in the last two weeks? Because that's not been me in some kind of sulk or staying away or feel threatened by Sam's brilliance. It's just the fact that I've been busy and stuff hasn't really worked out. However, it's not about me because now that I've come back, I've noticed that things have changed in my absence. There's been new decoration. We have some nice wooden panelling behind you. What's going on? Where are you? Explain to me, please. Well, we're still in the studio, but we've just jazzed it up a little bit. We thought what can keep Dave interested and what we did is we've tried to just, very much like you might have been in a relationship for a while and your significant other, get some lingerie or lingerie or whatever, typefitting bills, whatever it is, to keep that fire burning. Powerade. Keep it alive. Keep it alive. Powerade and bars. Energy bars. Energy bars. So, you know, what we did, we thought, can we try and get Dave interested in us again to see whether the flame is totally being extinguished or can we get it flickering again? And what I will say, I think it's flickering. I was going to say, I think it's flickering. I think we've peaked your interest. Cain's a drone. They're right, peaky. If anyone rings that bell, they've got no chance. Right. Unless it's the scaffolders for the roof. Who knows? Who knows? We are, of course, joined by Sam. Sam, how are you? I'm great, thanks. And I'm glad Dave's back because I've only done one show with him. And I thought, I thought, you know, a bit of a spark there. I agree. And I thought to use the relationship metaphor. He's ghosted us. I don't want to wear it with him. It was, it was, it was a bit like one of those first dates, you know, where suddenly it goes really, really well. And then suddenly you don't hear from them for two weeks. But I can assure you that I still feel very positive about our relationship, Sam, albeit in its infancy, but I think it's got potential. I'm enjoying where we are just at the moment, you know. And as I say, there's still a bit of a flicker for me. But let's take things slowly because we don't want to rush into anything. Sam, it must be intimidating to work with a man who's name literally is comedy. Yeah. Well, you know, I personally think that it's one of the biggest misnomers in podcasting because it's never meant anything, you know. And you've got Sam, who's an actual comedian, who's actually funny. And then you've got me, who's a sort of gobshite, that's still getting away with it 20 years on. I mean, you say still, I mean. Yeah, wow. It's there. Has Sam got a book, though that says comedy, Sam? Yeah. I don't think so. No, I don't think. We're still waiting for that copy. I'm going to get one of those little sort of things for me desk when I'm doing the podcast. It just says comedy, Sam, on the grid. Yeah. I would. Why not? Because I've got qualifications or something. So people aren't unsure. So they know exactly what's going on. Yeah. Sam, I've noticed the last couple of weeks there's been a few of your social posts that have been a touch ironic and quite clearly piss-taking. And yet a lot of people seem to have totally missed it very much like an evidence centre forward when crosses are whipped in. Yeah. They've just totally and utterly missed the ball now. I mean, you know, a little bit of satire, a little bit of tongue-in-cheekness where have those days gone? I don't know. I think it's just it's really worrying how many absolute morons exist on the planet and are allowed to drive cars and have kids. And I'm not suggesting for some kind of like license that you need, but it's kind of there. It's worrying, isn't it, when people don't get what's clearly a joke? Or especially when I'd written this thing about a little girl throwing a union jack and using a slightly wrong shade of red. Why grab the crayon or something and scribbled over it. You know, the whole thing's obviously not true. And the amount of people who knew when they think they've got a gotcha on social media and they go, well, that clearly never happened. Yeah. You know, it's called fiction. Did you stand up at the end of Lord of the Rings and go, well, this documentary's not real. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm gone. I'm gone. Spoiler alert. What are you saying? You're saying Lord of the Rings wasn't real? I'm saving up to go to New Zealand to see that shit. And I'm getting told it's not real. Not real. It's made out of LCC. Now you'll be telling me fucking Darth Vader's a fucking not real as well. That's rare and but correct. There is math. It is math, Sam, isn't it? It is math. Yeah, because the only say, don't we, that you should never explain a joke because it's not funny when you explain it. However, as someone who's done stand-up for a long time, the mechanics of the joke and why it's funny interest me. So I quite like explaining it and I can get quite a lot of enjoyment from that but I realise that it's like the kind of, well, I think you'll find that the reason it's funny is because the structure dictates that your memory goes one way and then the rivet. You know, that's not really what we're here for. So no, but I like that. But then it just, I suppose the thing is, you can never, ever underestimate the ability of the public to be below the level of intelligence that you would hope. Come on here, you'd witness it every day. Well, but it's true though. I mean, these people you wouldn't trust with scissors. You know, never mind. Safety scissors. You know, again in the studio. The sophistications of satirical comedy. Yeah. And you should know, Dave, because you're like literally, if you've got a doctorate. I've got scissors. No, but you've also got a doctorate. Your comedy name is literally, you know, like almost like having doctor before your name. You know what I mean? You weren't that. You went to school and earned that doctorate of comedy. Dave, you know, I've got a book out of it. I mean, Everton's Formacy. You've got a doctorate for basically just turning up. So, you know, Dave's at least earned this. I suppose. There you go. I've just mentioned Everton there and we are recording this. I know. Yeah, but we're recording this the day after we didn't lose. Well, that's good if we'd have done this Monday. Yeah. We'd have still been smarting from a terrible defeat which it was at the weekend. But last night, Dave, we went up to Newcastle, obviously a tough place to go. The caveat with this is they've got about 411 players out injured, but still a tough place to go. They just had a great win at the weekend. And whilst I don't think it was a great performance in any way, shape or form, and I think Everton got out of jail a little bit. I think a lot of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did kind of hang on in there and we did what could be a massive point really in the grand scheme of things. Yeah, I totally agree. And, you know, I think obviously when they got the penalty and the equalise, and I thought if they could hang on to this now, this will be a tremendous result, a very flatting result, I would say over the 90 minutes, but a really, really important one. And obviously, Everton being Everton, I fully expected them to throw it away at the end, but I was delighted that they didn't. And especially with Forrest pulling off a massive win last night, it's really important. I mean, you know, you look at the early stages, we had two opportunities that I think we should have scored early doors. Decoree should have put the ball on the right-hand side rather than going to his near post, in my opinion. And obviously, there was the header from Tarkovsky as well, which anywhere, anywhere down from where he put it was in. Yeah, it was a goal, wasn't it? You know, and, you know, you look at those chances and we've seen it so many times and, you know, you use the word, there's a word that I never use in any other life, but it's RU as in RU the chances and Everton often RU the chances if that's the right. Application of that word and I thought we were going to regret it again. And in many ways, we did. I thought Newcastle on balance were far and away the better side, but a huge result and a really important point, in my opinion. I mean, Sam Day's life, isn't he James Sarkovsky heading over inside the six-yard box unmarked? Those are moments where, you know, you get in front, it's a different game, isn't it? And but we did, we did hang on in there, but, you know, following Saturday's results, I mean, we scored 87th minutes on Saturday. I think last night was the 88th, was it? Or the 86th, wherever it was. Saturday we went on and lost it. So last night, there was a bit of previous hanging over from the first game. Can we hang on? And, you know, the nine minutes come up and you're always fearing away. But we did and it is a big, it's a big draw, even though it's only a point and even though the performance wasn't great, these points now at this stage of the season, every one of them makes a difference, doesn't it? Oh, yeah. Well, especially with Forrest Wynton and, you know, Luton picking up points. I don't think they'll be Arsenal tonight, hopefully not. But that Sarkovsky miss was as bad as any of Dom's misses. And I know he's defending. He's not there to put the ball in the back of the net necessarily, but it was just, it was, it's guilt edged. That's another phrase that we only use. Oh, we've had guilt edged. And guilt edged. You know what? What is the guilt? I went to see... You spell it differently to the... It's G-I-L-T, isn't it? Yeah. I'm going to Google it now while you carry on. I went to see the fashion on Monday in Liverpool and they did the segment, you know, they did the segment where, you know, jumpers for girls and all that. And they kept on coming up with words that only get used in football commentary. There was loads and I'm just taking me back to that moment. We've got to be ready with a few more, but go ahead, Sam, guilt edged. All right. There's plenty of loads that we only use for Everton and that's probably one that's used more often, but I think, like, I'm made up with that point as we all are. I think it's kind of... If not a spring in me step, it's put a bounce in me step or something. Whatever's lower than a spring, I haven't figured that out. Is a bounce lower than a spring? Bounce is probably higher, actually. I'd say bounce is higher. A trip. Because I've never had spring backability of you, but I've had bounce back. A tripping you step? A tripping you step? A escaping you step? A sport of a skit? A zest? Zest. Zest. A new zest for life? I mean, I wouldn't do that for... There is these words. What have you got? Hang on. There is these words that can only be used in a phrase, can't they? If I walked in and said to Ned, make us a coffee date him, I never would because he wouldn't trust him, but if it did, make it with a bit of zest. I don't think he'd quite get it. You'd find something floating? Yeah, well, probably, yeah. Wasn't something called zest years ago? Wasn't it something called zest? Years ago, like a lemon squee? Wasn't that zest? That answer, wasn't it? Yeah, was it like a washing up liquid or something? Or something, yeah. I think you advertised that, Dave. Quite possibly. Yeah, quite possibly. Back in the night. The zest for challenge? In terms of what a gilt edged is... Oh, yeah, go on. What are gilded edges? And are they right for your project? Edge gilding is the process of applying a metallic foil to the outer edges of your book. Yeah, but hang on, Dave. Sorry to interrupt you. Aren't you going with gilt edged? Where you should be looking for gilt edged. Oh, I'm looking at gilded. You can gild the lily, can't you? Gild the lily, hang on. Taking a goal with a plum. Yeah, you took a chance with a plum. What does that mean? A plum. And in what other world of life... It's not a plum, is it? It's a plum. A plum. And in what other world of life, would you say that? Sometimes with suitable a plum. Yeah, but that's even better. It's the different kinds of a plum. Yeah. Like, I imagine net a plum would be scruffy a plum, wouldn't it? If Ned had any kind of a plum, it would be like a scruffy a plum. But taking it with suitable a plum means that you're expected to take it. Just a plum, is that comfortable, I'll be saying? Or easy or smart or... Apparently, if you do something with a plum, you do it with confidence in a relaxed way. So that should never be used for Evan. Ever? Never. No, it's never relaxing. No. Far from releasing the accounts. But they really start in a relaxed way while everything else is going on. Go on, Sam. Sorry, gilt edged. Also, you take to Twitter, you don't take to Facebook, but anyway, regardless of that... Never, never. The idea of coming on this podcast after a Bournemouth game, I've just been like three weeks off and we talked last week about there's a guy down the corner and we keep seeing each other when there's been no other match. We're both in a great mood because we're both blues and we're like, ah, there's no fussy, it's great. You wonder what you're doing it for. And then we come back after three weeks and the dros that was saved up on Saturday was so bad. And I just lost all reasoning as to why I was following this football team because there was nothing there. And people, we've made a million analogies about everything, but if everyone were a person, they're not even a Bournem person. You know when you're at a party, there's people you want to speak to, people you perhaps less prefer to speak to, or people you'd have a little chitchat with, people you really gel with. There might be someone who's a bit dull, but everyone are even that. Everyone are like the person who's just got nothing about them. There's nothing. They've maybe got one story and they can't even tell that well. So you just, you know, there's people where you talk to them and it makes you feel boring because it sucks the life force out of you. Energy vampires, energy vampires, they're called. There we go. Yeah, yeah, we've all met people like that. And I'm sure we're being honest, we've all been those people through the people because not everyone's going to gel with everyone else. It's not a personal thing, but they're like this vortex of passion and ideas and there's nothing going on. And then we go to Newcastle, first half's not great, second half's better. Sneaker points at the end and I think Sneaker's the right word. It was perhaps lucky to get the points. When you look at like elite level sportsmen, you have this great ability of when they miss a chance or they have a bad performance, they're able to put it to bed and move on because it is in the past and the past, the only thing that matters in sport is the moment you are in on that field or on the crypto court. But everything, as a club, there's been so much weight in baggage. It feels like it's weighing everyone down. So you would hope that even if it is just a little equaliser at the end to get a point in the scheme of things might be really important, we can just use that to follow on. You've talked quite a lot about Dom not being an angry centre forward and he looked angry before he took the pen. Now, whether he was just terrified, I don't know, but he looked angry. So I was thinking, we need a campaign to make Dom angry. Remember the old programmes that always have a player profile that I've liked and disliked. The favourite film was always The Godfather. Favourite single was always Luther Van Dros. Do you always do the Cortina? Yeah. Favourite meal, pasta. That's pasta. Do you want to be a bit more vague? Is the one on Dom is there some likes and dislikes? Have we got some kind of information surely somewhere out there in the fan community can find out what gets him annoyed? Could be something small. Could be something like, I don't know. Tom Davis cut the jet. You know what I think might work? Paulie Fitton trousers. If you know the very tight bubble that he has in his hair, if he was to affix that, as another word that you don't use very often, if he was to affix that to an alternative part of his body throughout the 90 minutes, maybe that might kind of make him you know, like a bit more, a bit more on edge and a bit more, you know, it's just an idea that he wants to like told me the time to allow him more guilt edged chances. Apparently guilt edged referring to a stock exchange denoting government securities on which interest payments will certainly be met and that will certainly be repaid at par on the due date. OK, so guilt edged means essentially you're guaranteed to get it back. So when you miss a guilt edged chance what they're actually saying is that's a guarantee of a gold unless you use it, unless you use it for Everton, of course, when it very much isn't guaranteed. Ped, I mean, Sam's just set alluded to it there, the anger which Dominic had to instruct the ball with. But on a personal level and I don't know whether you've seen the interview with him after the game and he reminded me gone 20 odd games and he said, you don't need to remind me. You know, it was on my mind. How big a goal can that be for him? You know, in this one. And we've got eight games left now and I said on my aftermath stuff last night that sometimes is the thing that might spare him to get three or four important goals I've seen now in the interview. And confidence is a weird thing because in all respects he scored against space but it was disallowed. Yeah, of course. He scored against space at home and it was given to Jack Arraser and I'll never cos it's Jack Arraser. It doesn't matter. It was his goal. It doesn't matter. Right. Cos if it did to defend it it'd still be done when I can't win his goal, wouldn't it? So fuck off. So you wonder how the psyche of a centre forward works when they have scored goals but they're not, they name just this being put printed. So he has got it now. And it was an important goal. And I was quite nervous for him last night when he was taking it. Did you think Tarkovsky was taking it? I thought Tarkovsky was taking it. I thought. And I thought, yeah, just let it be. So the psyche that obviously plays a huge part in doing that and just having everyone stop talking about you and just having everyone just focus on the rest of our amazing team. You can make a video about that Sam. You know, just take that focus away from him and Beto scored a couple of goals in the last few games. He's now scored and maybe the focus can be somewhere else rather than planted all at him. And everyone can just get on with their job. And I think it was just a huge moment. And the last 30 minutes I thought we played really well. And I think the changes did work. I think a lot of people have noticed pointing the finger at Onan going off. But I actually think it was the court. He going off. It was the court. That made the change. I thought he was I thought he was quite poor last night. Onan has numbers. I think that worked on last night. I don't really want to go over that because, you know, but but I think the changes did work and having, you know, making effective changes three in one go where actually loads of things change at once rather than just going we're making a like for like change and expecting everything to change. I wouldn't have struck Beto off had I left him with them. No, no, I'm just saying that. I mean, I'm not saying about the individuals. I'm just saying that. Making three changes and making the opposition have to think about three different players rather than go, well, just do the same job like just with a different fella. I think that's a huge difference. And apparently he was going to make four subs. But for some reason he made it, only made three. So making those changes is huge. He never went full mark on silver though, did he? No, track three, them off after half on our way. No, we need to be there. Two now. But it does make a difference and obviously we got a little got a touch, not luck. Shouldn't be luck via a dislike of going rightfully. Wasn't luck we but you see not. Well, I was just going to say, I mean Dave, there was two moments that went for us. Well, well, probably three or four moments really when we look back of it. Tarkovsky sliced one against his own post. We had the VAR offside goal, which would have killed, let's be honest, it was game over. Yeah, it would have killed it off, it would have been game over. It was done, got choked off and then we also had Michael Encoe brilliantly clearing off the line. And then we got the penalty. This, I mean, why it? I mean, the referee to be fair, he looked at it twice and give it, but it should have just been given anyway. But we got it. And maybe, just maybe, they could look at that and go, because I'll be honest, I said to me dad when it was when Michael Encoe kicked it off the line, still 1-0 then, wasn't it? Yeah, huge. And they missed the cut. I said, this actually might be one of them nights where we grab something here because they missed some good chances and we got the VAR decision for the offside goal. And sometimes you look at games, don't get in your go. Yeah. That's going against us. That's going against us in the past. So Dave, I mean, for once we had a couple of things go our way. We weren't lucky because he was offside and it was a penalty. Anyhow, kind of said it as if they were unlucky. Like we had two VAR decisions go against us. No, the correct decision, Eddie, on both counts. But for once, they kind of went in our favour and we were able to benefit from it. Yeah, I agree. And I think about time as well, because as you say, you know, sort of so used to these things not going our way. Well, what did you make it the one on Saturday, Dave? Nill nill on Dominic Calvert-Lewan, cos when I faced, sort of I thought, you're not getting a pen for that dumb get up. But by the fourth time I'd watched it and then I was reminded that that guy on that show had got one the other week for the same incidents and things like that. That's a penalty as well then, isn't it on Saturday? I didn't see it on Saturday. I've always been travelling. OK, well, it was a flick in the Himalaya. There was a flick on his photos. He went to shoot. Others have been, I've got penalties for it. Last night, Shea Given, he showed it again, was like, it's an absolute stonewall penalty. That however and having got that penalty is unbelievable. I heard him mention it. Yeah, so that was on Saturday, but last night we did get one, didn't we, and it worked in our favour. Yeah, and as I say, it's about time, I think. You know, I mean, when in the old days before VAR and stuff like that, that human error would even itself out over the course of a season you would imagine, you know, and there's a lot to be said for that. And yeah, I just felt that, you know, things did, you know, a couple of key things did go away last night, and I think it was about time that they did. And yeah, you know, it resulted in a much needed point. I mean, Sam, just going from obviously those decisions and getting the result, we've got a massive game at the weekend now, haven't we? And I said last night after the thing, there's no, there's kind of like no point ever to dig in and grab on a big point at Newcastle and then not being able to follow without beating Burnley at home. It was second to bottom. And I know they're in, ironically they're in the best unbeat in run of the season at the moment. I think it's three without defeat. But they are the second-way team in the league. We have beat them twice this season already, but we absolutely have to follow this point up with three points now around to Burnley, don't we? Oh, 100% because it is pointless and if we're running out of games, aren't we? Got home games that we should be winning and that is one that we should be winning. I'm still not very confident because I still don't think we're showing off over the last, well, I mean, the losing run or not, sorry, the run without a win and Sean Dyche can spin it all, all he wants and talk about x8 or he's blue in the face, but the only stat I can think of now is that the last time everyone went this long without winning, my mum was younger than my kids are. And that is a terrifying prospect to think about how long ago that was. 67 years, Sean. 67 years. Terrible run. Burnley have looked all right, haven't they? The last few weeks, the four games without losing, they've looked all right. So, I don't know. I mean, unless, because the other thing that did go away last night was those Newcastle fans dressing up as dinosaurs because it just inspires Pickford. Why did he do that? I don't understand the logic in that because grow manteins up with a football match dressed as a dinosaur. I've said this before, the bounce that they've had since the new ownership and all that, they should be, I might, listen, do what you want, but they've come to Godderson in December, the same, we beat them three and nearly had a clean sheet, he was fine, but aren't they past that as a club now? Aren't they? A boomer if you want, but boomer every time you had the ball, every kick, weighing a couple of his kicks, that were actually unbelievable passes that poor us through choice is mad, and it's like, aren't you above that now? Are they rentals? Are they doing anything with those? All the time? All the times. Are they going out? Are they making the most of it? Are they going out? Are they going to like kids parties? Are they looking and going? Got everything a week 30? Like that's at the shop? Listen, have you got that dinosaur out for that kind of rent for the day? Is there a dinosaur sore arrows like shop? It just specialises us doing inflatesable. Dinoshop? Dinoshop, yeah. Dinoshop in Holland, apparently. Dinoshop. Dinoshop. You know, it's very strange. They're a very strange bunch, you know, between dinosaurs and horses. Who knows who's safe? I mean, who's to say the dinosaurs weren't made extinct by Jordies? I can't answer that. No, no, I can't. You weren't there, were you? We weren't there, we weren't there, so we can't answer that. But you know, it's one to think on. It is one to ruminate over. Matt LaTitia would have a field day with that one. Oh, LaTitia, I feel it makes you think. Makes you think, makes you think. Makes you think, of course. But again, it only inspires your own pick for do. One thing I wanted to mention last night though is on the penalties though, and this is something I mentioned on Monday is wasn't it great to see someone run after a referee and get old them and go, ey, get up, what the... Well, that's cos you said the person on Saturday wasn't on the play. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what you were saying after the game on Saturday, the one you missed, Dave, when you were travelling. Was that... Dom just sort of, when he was fouled, just looked at the referee and everyone else just looked at the referee and the game just went on where it was Ashley Young last night. Like, I know loads of people don't like it. I actually do like Ashley Young because he's a little hardy. Who do you like? Ashley Young. Yeah, go on and say yes. Go on and say cos he doesn't play for us. We've got a play called Ashley Young. Yeah. Because he... Ironically, isn't. No, so... Well, all right, wing on Saturday, which you might have missed was 73 years old at one stage with Sheamus and Ashley. But he's a horror and he's a professionalist who knows the game inside the world. And some of our players, some are getting angry. They're so passive. Oh, they are, yeah. Last night, he forced the referee into that situation, said this on Saturday, and again, you have the few people going, what difference does it make? Well, it always makes a difference. Makes a big difference, yeah. If you chase after the referee, you get in the referee's face and you almost stop the game and make him make that decision where you, at least afterwards, you can go, I did everything I could and the referee, the one who's the one who looks stupid now. Like, why even had to look at the screen to say that was a penalty? He is mad. Oh, because they were both pulling each other? He forced that situation where they had to look at it and that's what went wrong on Saturday. All our players just went, oh, well... It's like... You've got to start it. I thought, take Dom's brawn off him or something. I don't know, do something. If you chase after the referee and you pick up a booking, at least it stops the game and it makes people go, exactly in that. Where it's like, you know, we saw last night, Tarkovs, he's getting booked for just kicking the laddus. Yeah, exactly. It was pathetic. Exactly. It was the worst booking I've ever seen from an Everton play cos it was embarrassing. Hang on, Dwight MacNeill's was worse because at one minute he was one-on-one with the keeper and the next minute. All right, that match, and he was better, yeah. It was worse. But what I mean is, you're giving a cheap booking away, unnecessarily. So you might as well chase a referee like you say and get in his face. So the game stops and you know what? The VAR people might go and go on, why is he kicking off and have another one? They might, no, but at least you feel like... At least you've done something. And then afterwards you can speed it up and add Benny Hill music to it and it would look great. That's the win-win. Go ahead, Sam. It's showing dice cos often teams are built in the mould of the manager. He's not someone who's shy about complaining. No, no. Fraggin' things up and speaking to the officials, is he? No. It's obviously the players, just some players aren't wired that way and that's the personality and like... Don't you have to instill that, though. Sam, before you... If you watch like Athletic Home Madrid, they cry out a bar every Liverpool... I watched Liverpool the other day against Brighton. Any touch, they throw themselves for, like, role like they've been shot. Every player clops in the... They all do it, which is fine, no problem with it. You see older team City a greater thrown themselves about. Teams do it cos they know that there's those margins. But like Athletic Home Madrid, in particular, cos Simmy Owney is a cry-ass, isn't he? He would ffume if you put zest in his coffee. Right? And all of the players do the same. So shouldn't the manager to be instill that? To be fair, though, just before I let that... Fair, there was pictures of Sean Dice in the... in the service station after the game. Yeah. And he was buying a meal deal of just ham, reddy, salted in a bottle of water. So, you know that, you know. He does moan on the side. So, Sam, what do you think, Sam? Shouldn't he be doing that before the game? Yeah, because it's like... We can all see it. It works, it works. Like, we've got... And I'm sure there's data on this as well, somewhere from some kind of sports data company where, you know, the amount of pressure you put on the referee. The referee? The referee? The referee. The referee. I mean, it was somewhere between Birmingham and Sydney. Good eye, mate. Good eye. But I think, you know, it's... And you don't have to be at, let's go, Madrid levels, because they are like... No, they're the kings of the land. If they were a full team, they'd just be bringing, like, spanners with them and all sorts, and they'd be horrible. But you can at least have... What, if we've got asked the youngs, who's a horror, we can at least need three or four, maybe five of the team, who are just going to... And you can politely ask. But you know, like, if you're not hardly watching a game, and a game on the telly in the corner, and you're kind of dipping in and out, and then there's a foul, and you don't really see the foul, but you see five or six of the team who've just been fouled all around the ref, instantly, you go, oh, that must have been a big one. Yeah, yeah. And it might not have been, but it flags it up in your mind, so the officials are going to be the same, and then they've got the AR that you can go back and check. Mm-hmm. Exactly. I don't think it wouldn't have been given if actually the young wouldn't have been on the pitch, and hadn't it been fouled? Probably, if that was being done. I mean, that's the case, wasn't it? It wouldn't have been a foul against actually the young, if actually the young wouldn't have been on the pitch, so I'm completely excited. I completely agree with you. I talk growth there. You're up, you know. They've haven't stay up the bottom three, they'll be all right. Yeah, they will, mate. With all of this, though, is this not just a sort of demonstration of the overall apathy that exists within the squad for anything, you know? Because in all, everything that we're describing here is sort of fuelled by passion and a desire to win, and it's just so lacking in every department so, you know, whether it's, you know, I think that's ultimately why you don't see what we're talking about, you know, people sort of be passionately surrounding the ref and whatnot because there tends to be amongst the squad at the minute and the club as a whole, the feeling of just having their heads down and almost just getting through it. You know, they're not enjoying the process, obviously with a lot of the pressures that they've got, but you just see them and you see them in the tunnel and they've got their heads down and they're just thinking, you know what, we've just got to get through this, but he, you know, 99 minutes or something like that and then it will be over for another week and that's what it feels like. Yeah, yeah. I bet not one of them got up and sang karaoke at the Christmas party. Absolutely. Yeah, nothing. The guy who brought the kit was just all asking another one then. Yeah. Like, come on, come on lad, put your name down, give some meatloaf. No, I often... For us, I'm Michael Jackson, that's mine. Okay. I often talk about this about like, it is like, I know that he dice loves talking about like the untangibles, the smell, and all that kind of thing. Control on the controllables. No, isn't it? It is like, we, you know, we, there is a staff for everything, but there's no staff for passion, there's no staff for, you know, getting stuck into a game like, like we saw in the last half an hour last night, just rolling up your sleeves and just going, we've got to do something a little bit different here. And if you have to chase down a referee to prove that it's a penalty, then you've got to do that and it's what the top sides do. They cry ass for everything. They make sure that referee knows he's in a game and knows he's got to make the decisions. The fans love it and our fans love it as well. And it's something that's massively gone out of the game. And it is one of those things that you can't quantify. But we've known it for years. It's like, well, and this is often a thing where people talk about the atmosphere of Goddison and say, you know, it starts with the players, but it does often start with the players, not the players playing amazing football because none of us have been used to that for a very long time. But players, as has been said in the past, winning a tackle, getting stuck in, getting in the face of the referee, getting in the face of the opposition, showing that they're doing everything to win a game of football. You know, and we just don't see that enough and far too many times. And it's what, as I said, it's what struck me on Saturday how passive we were when it was an absolute Satan penalty. And any club with anything would have been straight over in that referee's face and make and make a decision. And you know that two minutes while he's dishing out yellow cards means the VAR have got nothing else to do, but go back and watch that decision. Then you do that. It's why players roll round on the floor when they've been far to almost give the referee the second to give the VAR a second to go. Oh, I better have a little look at this. He's, he's, he's writhing around. That's a good word, writhing. When does anyone ever use the word writhing? Oh, that can be used in other... That, you know. Yeah, in kind of specialist stuff they could wear writhing. Fifty shades. Fifty shades. Fifty shades. Fifty shades. Yeah. When they're writhing around in pain. Yeah. You know, it gives the VAR opportunity to go on, go on lad. So put that putty down and let's have a little look. We've got something to do with our kits on, in an office block, which is weird. Maybe we need some figures on XA, which is sort of expected apathy amongst the squads, you know, in that particular... It has to be XA, P, though, Dave, because there is an XA. There is an XA. But what about expected writhing? XW. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. Expected chasing of a ref. It doesn't really work. It doesn't work. That sounds more like a garage band. Yeah. That never be trying to be an aimish band, to be. But listen... We've... The point was important because obviously everything is still awaiting to hear the second PSR, ti ar ti ar ddi, and we're hearing nothing to hearing between one and three or whatever. So we just don't know where we are at the minute. Stop taking me joy away from you. No, but that's why it's important. And we have to follow up with a win on Saturday and obviously, soon, we might know where we are with the... ti ar ddi. We might know where we are with our owners and we might actually get back to just concentrating on the football. But for me, Everton need the four wins out of eight games. It's a big ask, but we've got four very winnable home games. There's five home games and three away games left. Julian's show. Yeah, but Chelsea away is not... To me, I don't... There's nothing here whatsoever to test that game. None at all. And then Luton, going grand. Luton, I'm sorry. Luton is like hard work. But Arsenal away, again, looking at it is a defeat, because that's what we normally do there. But we could easily get two more points out of Chelsea in Luton, I think, easily, at least. So it's going to come to those home games and Dave, three home wins all season. That's why Saturday is massive. It is huge, but then, you know, so is the Forrest game and so is the Brentford game. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm captain of these. Well, no, but I mean, it's, you know, the destinies in their hands, isn't it? Definitely. And in terms of the way that the fixtures are laying out for the remainder, you know, it's there to play for it's there to win. I mean, we all know, though, that it won't go according to plan. And as you rightly say, you know, the chances are, knowing Everton, they're more likely to get something at Chelsea away than they will do against Forrest at home, for example. You know, because that's just what they do. Mm. Right. Let's move on to, let's move away from footy. Let's have a few. Would you rather questions? I like these. These are good, because you know what, but I've got to want to start. You're going to be the face to answer this, right? Would you rather be trapped in a romantic comedy with your enemies or trapped in a horror movie with your friends? Lot of people would say that the same people. They're playing. They're somebody going for them. I just go for a romantic. I don't like horror films. No, no. So you say you would do your friends, but then what if your friends are all being made in the horror film? Yeah. Whereas in the romcom, you get to like telling the people who don't like you to rant. True. I mean, not literally, because I mean, that would be a different film. Well, that's a different film. You could use your plumb, that's the plumb. Right, I think. Right, I think it could be. It might be a guilty chance of staring in the face. It could be, you know, no one wants to miss them. Or the gildeddech, which Dave went for first, which is again, is it could be a different thing. Dave, what would you be going for in that scenario? Romantic comedy with your enemies or horror movie with your mates? Likewise for me, romcom all day long. I don't like horrors either. I'm one of those people that sits and watches horror films behind a cushion. And you know, even at the age, even at the age of nearly 40. Yeah, nearly. Yeah, nearly. I still can't relax no in that situation. So yeah, I would be very much going for the romcom, seeing if I could turn anybody around, metaphorically speaking. Fair play. You know, and seeing if maybe, as you say, you know, we could become more friends by the end of it than enemies, depending on what happened situationally. Sounds good, Sam. I'd go romcom because romcoms have that thing that we never get in the real world, which is the meet cute, you know, where you meet each other in this interesting way. I mean, me and my wife, we met, I was crossing the road, she was crossing the other way and she was carrying a load of books and I banged into her and they all fell everywhere and the winds was flat. That's very much romcom, but carry on. I mean, that never happened, obviously. You just bledded in a bar and you just snogged behind the bins. Yeah. I thought you met, I thought you met in a department store when there was only one pair of leather gloves left and you let them, let hair by them at Christmas time and then you go grab them. One blew away and you found it and she was there in the ice rink in New York. Did not him. No, that was me ex. Okay. I always get those two mixed up. Fair enough. All right then. Let's start with Sam then. Would you rather have a face that everyone laughs at or a name that everyone laughs at? Well, you've just, one of those options is me life, to be honest. You know what people say? Well, you just look funny. Or I laugh as soon as you come into a room. It's not really a compliment, is it? I'd go for the name. Yeah. Cos having a face that people laugh at would probably destroy yourself confidence and ruin your trips that are oldy, but your name, you could have a stage name or you could change your name or you could. What's a name that everyone laughs at? Like Johnny Bananas or something? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I think it's a 1970s juggler. Cock. I go with the name. Everyone would laugh at that name. Biggest dickest. Cockwaller. Not about Biggest Dickest. Biggest dickest. Why can nobody talk? Biggest dickest. That's his podcast. It's cos the joy of getting a draw. No, that's what it is. Okay. Dave. Very sure name. Well, I mean, I've got a name that people don't laugh at. Okay. Okay. Comedy Dave. That makes people laugh, surely? No, it doesn't. I don't know. Would I like... I think it probably should be a name as well. Yeah. Because the problem with having a laughable face is that you can never switch off, can you? As Sam suggests, you're on the whole time and maybe inappropriate moments like funerals or things. No, that wouldn't be great, yeah. Or laughing at your face because it was that funny. Love making. Love making. Yeah, that wouldn't be great. A funeral as well. I tell you what, do you know what, you laugh, but apparently it's quite a common thing. I believe so. There's quite a lot of... Yeah, there's quite a lot of... Nobbing goes on in a wake scenario, I read. Come here. I think it's because of heightened emotions and stuff and alcohol. Will Ferrell. No, but when he said wake scenario, I just saw a film starring Keanu Reeves where he's just asked to fight his way through different fields. Through a wake. Yeah. The wake scenario. The wake scenario. Yeah, yeah. There's always stuff going off in wakes and he's got a foil. Yeah, just... That's another way of foil. Fighting and... Foil. Yeah, someone's a great foil for someone else. Yeah. Or he's foiled a plot. I always... You know, this isn't funny, but I do always think I'm matching how you feel when you're a failed terrorist. You know what? You're absolutely right. The failed bombers or the failed thing. I mean, are they just trying to... Or a failed foil. A failed foil? That'd be worse, wouldn't it? That'd be like... You know, cos... Yeah. Essentially like Tim Foil with the ripping. Would you rather have a hook for a hand or a peg for a leg? I've seen a fella with a hooked hand the other week and I'll be honest, I didn't think... Hamza had a hooked hand, didn't he? He did. A captain hook. I mean, he doesn't feature on the podcast enough, I don't know. No, I... You're right. I'm going on. You're right. A captain hook. Yeah. Was he just born with an unfortunate name? I don't know. He had a name that I'd be on later. He's hasn't made it, isn't he? He's like Captain... What am I... What am I destined for? For fuck's sake. The hooks, I think. He could have said. Hooks, I think. But I'm mad at him when he come... I mean, when he came out the aisle, players instance, if you had that hook as a baby, I mean, that's a bit weird, isn't it? I was born with the hook. Yeah. The play is it? I was wondering what you were talking about. Players instance, you know what I mean. So, what are you going for? Peg leg or a hook for a hand. I'll go with I'll go with Peg leg. Peg leg. Cos it's, you know. Yeah, okay. You can get by with this. Yeah. Get by with it. Yeah. Stump for a leg. Okay. Sam's Beatles song, of course. I'll go Peg leg. Wood, yeah. So, probably, you know, yeah. Hooks would sort of... Me driving would suffer. And meet me. I've always thought I'd like to learn to juggle. And I don't think that would happen. I wouldn't be conjucia for that, really. Now, I think Captain Hook was a stage name, though, one of the task purposes. I think he was just, you know, he was getting paid cash in hand and then he was just trying to... Cash in hook. Very much, yeah. Your real name is Dr. Hook. Yeah. Oh, hey, hey. Even though he wasn't a real doctor, he didn't like Dr. Fox. Very much. And he's part of... Likelydy. Dave, are you Peg leg in it or are you hook in it? I am. I'm going full house because I think that I think that you would have more or rather you would feel less disabled if that's an appropriate thing to say by having a Peg leg than a hook. I think a hook is quite debilitating. You can't even make toast properly with a hook. No, no. Can you have like a speed Peg leg? No for running. Like you... When you cut the place with a blade because people have the blades. Yeah, yeah. But process... Like, like Pistorius had. He's another name that doesn't come off on this one. Yeah, I don't know. And he... Look how well it ended for him. Yeah. Yeah. Let's move on briefly. I mean, not briefly, quickly. I said briefly. Let's move on briefly. Yeah, well, you look... Okay, okay. Let's go back to Oscar Pistorius. To Oscar Pistorius. Erm... I mean, had a left that... Had a left that effect alone there to be fair in all honesty. Eh, would you rather go one month with only a tank top on or one month with only a thong on? You see, I think Dave... Can I go first on this? I think you, Dave, would look tremendous in just a tank top. I think you'd be able to carry it off. I really do, but go on. With a plum. I mean, listen, I would take that compliment in the way that it was intended. I think all day long it's the tank top for a month. Because I think I would much rather be in possession of a month-old tank top than a month-old thong. And it's to do with body position, essentially. Yeah, hagi. Unless you wear the tank top around you a bit. Yeah, I mean, that'd just be a bit weird, wouldn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Become a what-saw. I'd be like a cheese grayser by the end, wouldn't it? Do you know what I mean? Not a grayser such, but you know, one of those... A thong. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, I'd be with the tank top all day. But are you wearing nothing but the tank top? Because once again, you can't go in the... No. You can't. No, you're not. No, you get arrested for that in Aldi. Yeah, you'd have appropriate attire. Imagine going in the middle aisle at Aldi with just the tank top on. But you don't know why something there. You get a wetsuit there, wouldn't you? I tell you what, it also gives another dimension to middle aisle of Aldi if you had nothing on the bottom half. Absolutely. No, you, I think... You'd have to stay away from the grinders, wouldn't you? You would. I was in Aldi just... We'll come back to Sam in a minute. Briefly. I was in Aldi briefly this morning with Oscis Prysorius. Oscis? Oscis Prysorius. I'm not with the real one, am I? He's kind of got issues about getting, you know, being free. Well, he's got... He's got a player out there, he's got a player, yeah? Yeah, there's a... Yeah, but I was in him. I wasn't in the middle aisle, I'd be a bit weird. But I was walking past the middle aisle today. And there was a fella, no way that I lie. He had a basket, right? In his basket, he had cashew nuts, right? Four pints of milk, and he picked up two bags of aggregate for the garden. And I was looking, thinking, hey, I'm not convinced you're going to be able to lift that basket cos you're struggling getting them into his basket. But essentially, his missus hasn't... Or he hasn't said to his missus, I'm just nipping to Aldi for the cashew nuts and some milk and I'll pick up a couple of bags of aggregate while I'm there. Has he? But he's obviously an opportunist. He's seen the aggregate in the middle aisle today and thought, I can't leave that in the shop. Are you a basket pave? Today it was, cos it just... I was just like, mate, you are not going to be able to carry those two bags in that basket all the way to the aisle. He wasn't a young whippersnapper by the way. I'm worried now if I go to Aldi, and I'll be worried about anything I put in my basket. I'm thinking that. There's people like Baz who stare at you and judge you. No, just why what you stick in your basket. Some butter in your basket and you put in a ffuckin... I mean, that's not a euphemism by the way. When he talks about having butter in his basket... No, that's actually the name of our new podcast. I mean, that also might alleviate the chafing from the month-long thong as well, if you have butter in your basket. It's actually what I'm producing by way in the month-long thong. All right, all right. Bloody hell, Sam. Thong or tank top, Jesus Christ, ped. I can't. What's this on me toasted? I can't believe it's not ped. No. Eh... What? Is this... Is this this? All right, God. Jeez. Here's my butter with a bum. All right. All right. Despite everything that's being said and a very valid point that's being made, I go speedo, cos you've got speedo, Mick. I could be speedo, Sam. I don't be tank top, Sam. No, but it's a thong. All right, thong, Sam. Speedo, Mick. I mean, thong Sam sounds like a Thai restaurant. That, yeah, it does. It does. I'm delivering. Let me see your thong. I mean, you wouldn't want to see a barri end of the month. Actually, to be fair, you would make a better speedo. You're more streamlined, Sam. I don't see a speedo. It's got a... I... Sam hasn't. You don't. Sam might have a bloody hairiest chest you've ever seen. Hairiest? It could be on anything. We haven't seen Sam in only his tank top. We don't know what his nether regions are like in his legs. You speak for yourself, Barry. Well, fair play. Fair play. What happens on course? If you could have gone there already in this relationship, which is very young, you want to pick your standards up a bit. I told you we were flickering, didn't I? Yeah. And that's why I was worried you hadn't come back after I'd sent them to the pictures. There you go. There you go. It happened to everyone. Those aggregate pics. It's all right. Someone smiles and I send them a picture in it and I don't hear from them again, but that's just what happened. If you're on this podcast, I've actually bought the domain name of about 15 websites here, but it in your back you're being the latest one. Fair play. I'm going to have the one, but I'm not sure. Don't go there. Don't put us up a story. I'm going to have the dog. The hook. Hook, dog, dog. The hook. That's a brilliant. That's a brilliant domain name. That is a good one, isn't it? I'm going to have the dog. I'm going to have the dog. The hook. That is not bad. You'd have the money. You'd have the money on the hook there. Right, the last couple. What do you... What do you... What? Can we have some... Let's focus for the last couple. No, let's go back to Oscar Pistores briefly. Well, I did say briefly. Oh, my God. Would you rather date a girl who won't stop talking or date a girl who won't stop texting? Oh, tech? No, I'd rather date a girl who won't stop texting if it meant that she didn't talk. Yeah. Cos you know what to like. You know what to like when you talk. You know. Going to rob a bit of John Bishop here. You know, just when you breathe. When you breathe. When you breathe. You're the vat to slow it. You're the vat to slow it down a bit. When you don't stop. Yeah, he didn't... He can text all he wants, but the talking becomes an issue. Be enough. It becomes an issue. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. Boys, where are we at with that? I think most women can do that one-handed. I'm talking texting, obviously. You know, that's, of course, you. Abu Hamzor. Abu Hamzor o Captain Hook, yeah? Yeah. So, I mean, I think actually, in that respect, the texting non-stop would be less... The vasive. Intrusive in... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Less invasive in the relationship, because, you know, they'd be able to do other things with the other hand, like open doors. Yeah. Open jars. Open jars, yeah. Open jars. Shake hands with people. Yeah. You know, and stir tea. Exactly. Or coffee, cup of coffee. Or other drinks are available. Sam. Could be a boy, this as well, by the way. Could be a girl, could be a boy, whatever. Sure. Yeah. We're a broad church. Absolutely. Crack and program, by the way. David Tennant are his best. Yeah. Ey, ha, mate, was the maid that was in that on the set. He was, he was. No, third one. Third one was a Christmas, and Big Evertonian lives in LA now. Speaking to him this week, actually. There you go. Carry on. Just to throw that in. Just to throw that in. I've got mate who's an actor, and his biggest role was to be used a photograph of him as a, as a dead person in one scene of EastEnders. Just a photograph. I have to worry, wonder about that. The only silent witness when they get killed dead alien is like, you have to just sit on that slab. But you know, years ago. Jory, we will come back to you, Sam. Briefly. Years it, briefly. Years ago, when you get killed alien, he does. Yeah. That was you, don't want it. You might be in something for two minutes. But now, because a lot of it is like, the backstory and hat, you're still involved, aren't you? You flash back. See, your mate, Sam, will be perfect for death in Paradise. He always get killed in the first three minutes. And you might then, Paradise, of course, beyond the spin of the classic one, you might get a couple of extra scenes where, what he did three weeks ago. So, you know, tell them to keep plugging away there. But what are you going for? Sam, dating a girl who won't stop talking or a girl who won't stop texting? Oh boy, could be a boy. Texting, because talking is something. Like, me and my wife have got this. I talk more than that. Not that I'm dominant. It's just that I've got more nonsense in me that I need to get out of my mouth. And some day she gives me a word count and she just says, you've hit your word count now. You need to pack it in. Well, like steps. If I'm going out with someone, it's like that. Like steps for the days, too. Yeah, 10,000 words. If a bit goes off and you like to look up. So, I think I'd need someone who could text. Maybe they could write down what I was saying. They could sort of, you know. Transcribe you. Yeah, yeah, transcribe. Did neither fast hook? You would. You would. With predictive text saves a lot of time now so you can get actually more words done. Yeah, excellent. Excellent. Okay, we'll finish with this one. Because I'm going to go to Sam's face. You don't understand why. No, no. Would you rather grow a pony tail down to your ankles or have a huge Adam's apple? Imagine having a full apple size in just, you know. Yeah. So what are you going for, mate? I'd go pony tail, because I'd look absolutely ridiculous with no hair and a pony tail. Because I think that's a bold look. That is a bold look. It's a bold look. A bold and bold look. When you walk into a room with that look, people just think, this is a confident man to be messed with and I want people to think that about me. And I would also, you know, combine it with the tank top speedo combination. Absurd, where both? I'd wear both, because they would really, really bring out. They'd make the pony tail pop. It's one way to say it. In fact, maybe I could grow it and then sort of bring it back up and like sort of put it over me here. Over your hair? So you'd have, hang on, just for clarity. So we'd get hair and we'd bring a pony tail over said hair as well. Yeah. Okay. Double hair. Just say yeah. You mean in the way that people who don't have much hair might do the classic picture next to a girl or a boy with long hair and they do that thing where they roll with it to make it look like they, you know, and it normally makes them look a little bit like Phil Oakey from the Human League. Yeah. Yeah. Fair play. Dave, what would you go for? Pony tail as well. Yeah. I think, yeah, it would have to be because I don't like the idea of having a massive Adam's apple. I think mine's quite big anyway, actually. It's not an apple-sized, though, is it? Not an apple-sized, but I wouldn't want to have a really big one because I think that that would look like a growth or a deformity which aesthetically would be unappealing. You'd need a big neck, wouldn't you? You'd look like one of your mates, David Coulthard who's got a huge, huge neck. I've got to be right here. He fits it. He fills it too well. He fits it well. He's got a cultural line as well. But I don't know if I could pull off a big, a big, really. A big neck. Yeah, not with a hook anyway. Not with a hook, no. Not again. I think I'd go for a ponytail. Go for a ponytail. Rock like the munklwch. No hay. Just a little bust a ponytail. I was going to say, I'm like... Yeah, just the munklwch, but orange robes to go with it. With the thong. I'm a cookin'. Why is the thong cooking? You've got to keep the thong. We're cooking. Very, not me. What a place to be. Cooking with butter. There's a name of a podcast, surely. Cooking with butter. In a thong tent on some aggregate. Yeah. There you go. Let's leave it there. From butter with love. Oh, they're all coming out now. There we go. Are we going back to Oscar Pristoria? Briefly. Briefly. We've come back to it. Briefly, just briefly. Yeah, I mean... Yeah. I think we should just leave it. Yeah. Cos if you keep going, I'll say something that's really inappropriate. No, let's quit. Yeah, you've just reminded me. Let's stop whamming it out. Your control is... Yeah, let's leave it there. Let's leave it there. Right, boys. Thank you very much. Thanks to everyone for watching, listening, hit the like button, subscribe, give it a fast, I'll ring the wall of that. Go on see Sam. Go on see Sam. Yeah. Sam, I mean, where are you performing this week? Oh, mate. I haven't really got a tone out till next autumn, so I'll get back to you on the dates I confirmed, but I'm just... I'm taking some time off. Just go on knocking us door. I'll see if he says something funny. I'll get on the roof like the Abbey Road gig. I'll show some nonsense. I'll see if he's doing a bit of grouting. Just see if he'll say something funny. Grouting with Sam. Okay, dude. See if he'll say something funny. Hey, say something funny. You're not bad. Okay. The name of the next show. The name of the next show. That'll be a good one. It's not a bad name. That isn't a bad name. Say something funny. You're not bad. It's a brilliant title. That's good for a talk. Or we're going to do the catchphrase. Say something funny. Say something funny. Yes. Hit. She had think a knob. But get away with it. It might be a bit of a... The catchphrase on. There you go. It could work. It could work. There you go. We are done. Thank you very much for watching, listening, and doing all that stuff. See you later. Bye.