 by Cy Howard, and starring Marie Wilson as Irma, and Kathy Lewis as Jane. And beautifully with the girl I live with, my roommate Irma Peterson steps on the scales. You got a hundred and twenty pounds of pure foolishness. You want a test case? Okay. The other day we went to see that movie, Cirno de Bergerac, and I said, Irma, do you realize that that man was one of the greatest lovers of all time? And Irma said, Oh Jane, that's silly. With his long nose, he wouldn't be able to get close enough to a girl to kiss her. Staying at home, and Irma and I are sitting around reading. I'm reading a magazine, Irma's reading a mystery book. Watching Irma read a mystery is something I never want anybody to have to do. Listen. What's the matter? The murder just killed Helen's mother. Irma, I'm not interested. I'm trying to read this magazine. Will you just be still? All right, Jane. Okay. What is it now? He just killed Helen's sister Florence. I'll send them a condolence card. Irma, please, let me read in peace. All right, Jane. Terrible. It spoils the whole book for me. What do you mean? Now I know the murderer, Mary's Helen. What makes you so sure? She's the only one left in the family. I'm trying to read this magazine. All right, Jane, I'll be still. Oh, I guess the wedding is off. I'm glad I didn't buy a gift. She left stuff to her dead body in a trunk and sealed it. He didn't even leave a crack open for her to breathe through. Stop with those horror stories. You know what always happens. I don't want to suffer through any more of your nightmares. Do me a favor, doll. Change your reading habits. Read something like Rip Van Winkle. Maybe I can get some sleep, too. Oh, no, Jane. Then we'd both wake up wearing long beards. It's only me, Professor Kropatsky. Hello, Jane. You know, my two little leaders. You, Jane, the head of the block. And you, Irma, a real blockhead. Oh, excuse me, girls. A little joke because I'm so happy. At last, after four years, I'm going to live like a human being. What do you mean? Here, Jane, Mr. Plopchick is moving out from apartment 2B. Imagine me in a place where there's a doorknob on both sides of the door. A place where I can raise a window and the wall won't go up with it. Oh, Professor, your room isn't that bad. No. Then how come the Toy Mites are always bringing me lumber? And my bathtub has so many cracks. The only place the water doesn't go out of is the drain. And my furniture, one chair, a Duncan. Don't you mean a Duncan fight? In my room, there's no room for fight. But now, now I got the chance to live like a human being. Well, that sounds wonderful. You talked to Mrs. O'Reilly about the vacancy? And not yet, but don't worry. I can solve so far into anything. I'll tell her, her eyes are like a baby cat. She's as grateful as a male maid. Her skin is as smooth as glass. And her voice is as rare as a pearl in an oyster shell. The eyes will lead you like a child's friend. When I listen to the good news. No, it must be the mating season for oysters. You've got the flutter. Hello, girls. Oh, there you are, Professor. Did you hear me practicing this song? Oh, I certainly did. And I must say you are in fine voice. Oh, you really think so? I don't think you need to say that, Irma. Mrs. O'Reilly, you look positively stunning. You look five years younger. Five? Make it ten. The eyes? Yes. Professor said your eyes couldn't be nicer if they were made out of glass. Boy, that was the description of her skin. But you said her skin was like an oyster shell. What? No, Irma, that's what I said about her voice. No, you said her voice was like a baby cat. I am off-eaten Pogo stick for two cents. Please, Mrs. O'Reilly. What I said was, you have eyes like a baby cat. Skin is smooth as glass. And her voice is rare as a pearl in an oyster. Never mind, I said it, didn't I? Cat lead. Cat lead? Yes, darling. Tell me now about Department 2B. Now that it's vacant, when do I move in? Oh, dear. Yes, darling. I rented it to a stranger this morning, a Mr. Kitchler. You what? But Professor Darlin, I never thought about you. I mean, oh, what's the difference now that you've decided to be so sweet to me? Won't be long before we get married, and you can get living in my apartment. I'm aware of it. Do you expect to marry me? Well, why not? You've been saying so many nice things about me lately. And all my friends say that with this new rinse I'm using, me hair looks like golden corn silk. Yes, it does, and it's appropriate. Because with this corn there should be the face of a scarecrow. That's how it is. I'm wise to you. You said all those nice things to me because you wanted that apartment. Well, I'm glad I rented it to Mr. Kitchler. Oh, yeah. Yes, I am. Well, let me tell you something. I'll get even with you with the last thing I do. Goodbye. Oh, I wonder what he meant by that. He's going to murder you? Oh, Irma. Honestly, stop being a fool. The professor's the most gentle person in the world. I know, Jane, but it says in that mystery book I'm reading that the sweetest people can become murderers if they're angry enough. You see, the penitentiary gland... Wait a minute, wait, wait. The penitentiary gland? Yes, right here on this page. Irma, that's pituitary gland. Yes. And you see, it says when this becomes excited, it causes the bloodstream to fill with adenoids. Adenoids. That's adrenaline. Well, whatever it is, I don't like to look in the professor's eyes. Oh, don't be ridiculous, Irma. The professor gets a little angry once in a while, but I guarantee if he tries to put his arms around me, it won't be for murder. I see you later, girls. I've got to get me washing down. Oh, Jane, you shouldn't let her go. This might be the last time we'll see her alive. Oh, listen here, Irma Peterson. I don't want to hear another word out of you. Just because you read a silly book, you go around thinking everybody's trying to commit a murder. There's only one potential murderer in this building. That's me. You understand? All right, Jane, but remember, I warned you. I know that somewhere in this building, someone is going to commit a murder. I can feel it in my bones, my headaches. As for Jane, it might be the murderer. Would you stop that? Excuse me, I am looking for Mrs. O'Reilly. You see, I am Mr. Kitchler. I'm moving into a apartment to be. With all your trunks? Only one trunk. Anybody we know? Irma. And two suitcases. Oh, the children. Mr. Kitchler, don't pay any attention to her. She's been reading too many books. I think you'll find Mrs. O'Reilly on the roof. Thank you. Jane, did you hear that? He's moving in here with a trunk. Well, so what? When I moved in, I brought a mangle, and you're still in one piece. Not being so suspicious. But he was wearing gloves. Oh, Cookie, every Saturday night when I go out with Steve, I wear gloves, and I haven't killed a head waiter yet. Well, oh, Jane, stop fighting me. Didn't you see what a shifting look he had? You think that's a shifty look? Did you ever notice your boyfriend, Al? You look in his eyes as like trying to watch two tennis matches at the same time. Now, really, no more nonsense about this murder business. You understand? But Jane, how do we know who he is? We didn't even see his driver's license. Irma, that's enough. But there was a case in you, Jerry. For the last time, would you just be still? All right, Jane. Now, that's the end of this murder stuff, right? I've forgotten all about it. Good. Where are you going? To hide the iodine and shut off the gas. Pardon me. Can you tell me how to get to the roof, please? Certainly. Down to the end of the hall, up those stairs, and when you go up there, will you take off your shoes, please? You take off my shoes? Yes. You see, the roof is also my ceiling. And one day a foot went through it. I am very light. Yeah, but the foot that went through it was on a very small sparrow. You have quite a sense of humor. By the way, I am the new tenant, George Kichler. How do you do? I'm Professor Kropotsky. How do you do? What do you want up on the roof? Well, I was about to have lunch, but there are no utensils in my kitchen, so I was looking for Mrs. O'Reilly. The less you have to do with that, the better off you are. What do you need? Oh, just a knife. You see, I'm having Hungarian sausage, and I have to slice them to fit in the pan. Did you say Hungarian sausage? Yes. My sister sends them to me every month from the old country. Oh, they're still as delicious as ever with that wonderful, spicy flavor. Absolutely delicious with the special sauce she sends me. And I found a place by Pomponnikar. Say, why don't you join me? Oh, no, no, I really couldn't. I wouldn't think of intruding. Oh, I didn't see it. But when you put it that way, how can I refuse? Oh, by the way, by the way, have you got a sharp knife? No, no, all I got is a butter knife. Living in a place like this, I can't have anything too sharp around. The temptation to commit harry-carries too strong. I'll borrow a knife from the girls. Oh, that's fine, fine. Come to my room at six, and we will have the sausage for dinner. And please, do not tell anybody what we are having. That is just enough for two. I won't mention a word. Erm, it's all settled. You're going to forget all about this murder stuff, right? Yes. Good. Why are you leaning out the window and looking up? I want to say goodbye to Mrs O'Reilly when she goes by. Oh. It's only me again. Wow. Nice to see you smiling again, Professor. Yeah. Yes, why are you so happy? Oh, it's nothing. Girls, could I please borrow a good sharp knife? Never mind before. This is a treat I've been looking forward to for a long time. This session with Irma after the professor borrowed our butcher knife, she's so sure that he's going to make mincemeat out of Mrs O'Reilly. Irma, would you put that book down and go to work? No, Janice says right here. All you have to do is add up the clues and you can tell when the murder is coming. The clues, huh? Yeah, remember last week when the professor borrowed a bottle of ink from us? What about it? And you noticed this morning he didn't shave. So what? Add them up. Blueberry. Oh. Irma, will you stop this nonsense? Jane, I've been looking all over for Mrs O'Reilly. I even looked on the roof and she isn't there. Well, maybe she went out. No, she wouldn't go out undressed. I saw her eyelashes hanging on the clothesline. Irma Peterson, for the last time, will you go to work? All right, Jane, but if anything happens, remember I warned you. My eyes are open. I can clearly see what's ahead. Goodbye. You better open them a little wider, honey. You're in the clothes closet. Yeah. Goodbye, Jane. Miss Peterson, when you come here, I'm busy. Busy? Well, this is really something. I've never seen you take an interest in my law books. No, this is the first time I've ever paid any attention to them. Gee, they have interesting titles. Look at this one. African daisies. That's affidavits. Percus peanuts. Sapines. Kosher delicatessen. Kosher... That's corpus delicti. Take out one of these. Petting license. That's petty larceny. Well, Mr Clyde, it may be petty to you, but it's important to us girls. Miss Peterson, why are you suddenly showing such an interest in my law books? All right, I'll tell you. Mr Clyde, how can I prevent a murder before it happens? Just improve your spelling and shorthand, and I may change my plan. Well, Mr Clyde, leave me out of it. Leave you out of it, I wish I could. You know what I've been doing all morning, reading your typing, and do you know what I've just done? What? I've written a letter to the Proto Tool Company. They say they're the largest manufacturers of tools. I'm trying to find out if they make something that can tighten the screw that's loosened your head. Please, Mr Clyde, don't bother me with trifles. I tell you... I tell you, a murder is about to be committed. The professor barred our knife, and Miss O'Reilly is missing. I'm not interested in Miss O'Reilly and the professor. Get your notebook book and take a letter. All right. Okay, I'm ready. Take this down. Sheriff Brown, Hall of Records. Yes, sir. I will positively produce the witness in court next week. Sincerely, Milton J. Clyde. Now, read that back. Read it back. Oh, dear Jane, don't let the professor bury Miss O'Reilly in our backyard as I've just planted radishes. Get out of it! Mr Ketchel, are you ready to cut into the sausage yet? Oh, let us finish our wine first. All right. I just can't wait to get my teeth into that sausage. That aroma, is that garlic? It ain't taboo. Drink, drink up, professor. Professor's up to something terrible. Oh, are you still on that? Well, I just passed Mr Ketchel's room, and the professor's in there. They were whispering. What did they say? Well, I don't know. I couldn't hear. No, I won't get any sleep tonight, so I might as well go down and find out what this is all about. All right, Jane, but be careful. Remember, he barred that sharp knife. Yeah, yeah. If I get stuck, I'll call you. This is just ridiculous. What am I going to say? Excuse me, I'm a collector from the blood bank. Well, here's the door. No, no, professor. Don't start cutting yet. First, we got to remove the skin. Irma, what are you doing here? I want to hear what's going on. What are they saying, Jane? Uh, uh, nothing. Let's go downtown shopping. No, I want to stay here. Well, then be quiet. Hand me the mic, Josie. I want to make the first card. Here you are. Jane. You know, you're quite an artist with that knife. Such nice, small pieces. I knew it. I knew it. Come on, Jane. I'm right with you. Jane, what are we going to do? I don't know. I think I'll call the police. They're coming after us. Who is it? Me, Al, and Mushy. Oh, thank you. I'm so glad to see you. Glad to see you. Are you running a fever, Jane? Yeah, look. Jane's got her arms around me. I must be handsomer than I should. What's this? The professor is murdering Mrs. O'Reilly. What? How do you like that? Me ain't even married. It's our imagination, but please go down there and find out. Why, certainly, Jane. You ain't talking to no coward, you know. You're talking to a brave man. What apartment are they in? 2B. Okay, go on, Mushy. And, uh, be careful. That's my jacket you're wearing. What the hell? I'm afraid to go that day alone. The professor borrowed a knife from us. A knife? Well, there you are. See, Mushy, you got nothing to worry about. Nobody ever got shot with a knife. Oh, yeah, how silly of me. Hey, wait a minute. You're pulling the fast one. Come on, Al. I'll go with you. Oh, no, chicken. There's no point in all of us going. You go with Mushy. Ah! Okay, I'm going. I'm going. Come on, gang. Let's go. Um, who's in back of me? Nobody. We're all in front of you. I don't hear no screaming. Maybe we're too late. Mushy, knock on the door. Who? Who? You hear me? Well, yeah, I don't want to scratch my ring. Okay, Al. Who is it? It's me, Al. Open up. Don't let them in. That owl eats like a horse. I'm going to smell the sausages. Well, sorry, no visitors. Go away. How do you like that? There, Al. Now, maybe you'll believe me. They've killed Miss O'Reilly. I want to call the police. Oh, wait a minute. Take it easy, chicken. We ain't sure nothing's wrong yet. Yeah, but if there's nothing wrong, why won't they let us in? Well, that's what we got to investigate. Tell you what, let's sneak to the bottom of the staircase and keep an eye on the door. Come on. Well, try not to get killed if anything happened to me. Did they go away? Yes, yes. I heard them run down the stairs. Oh, good. Well, Josie, you know my life. I never had such a meal like this. Oh, such food and such wine. And you know, you're a great conversational angel. Thank you. Yeah, that story that you told me about the guardian angel. It's absolutely fascinating. Well, it's an old Hungarian legend. Of course, we all know there is no such thing as a guardian angel. No, no, I don't know. Sometimes I think there are. Well, good night, Josie, and thanks a million. Oh, oh, before you go, Professor, could you do me a favor? Gladly. When I moved in, I had to borrow this heavy new trunk from a friend. And I would like you to help me carry it downstairs before anything happens to it. My back is killing me, but how can I say no? You've been such a wonderful host. Let me make sure it's in. Yes, it is. But it's sure a heavy one. Look, you take that hand and I will take this. I got it. Now, Professor, if two men would come up and grab this trunk so we wouldn't hurt our backs, then I would believe in guardian angels. Open the door. Wait a minute, you two. Where are you going with that trunk? We are carrying it downstairs. Oh, no, you don't. We're carrying it downstairs. Come on. There you are, Josie. And you said there's no such thing as a guardian angel. This is the United States Armed Forces Radio Service, the voice of information and education.