 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today. Our topic, the three things men rarely share with women. These are hidden fears. The three things men rarely share with women. Really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new content and if this video resonates with you at any time, please hit that like button. That way more people get notified of it and more people get to see this. Again, if this resonates with you. All right, for those who know me, know that when I do my live videos, I jump right into the content. So, and then if you wanna listen to the Q&A, just as a reminder, if you have a question, simply wait till I get done with the topic part and then post the word question and then write your question. This is the best part of it is the question. So I hope for those that are watching, stick around and listen to the questions. Okay, so, you know, before I start sharing, I wanna say something. A couple of women have said in comments that Jonathan, all you do is complain about women and how they have to do all the work and men don't have to step up. And when I read that, I'm like, I'm a little bit flabbergasted because I'm an equal opportunity judge here and let me just say this. I do encourage women to become empowered because I oftentimes see women give their power away to men. So one of the things, if you're watching my videos, if you go back to watch other videos, my whole premise is to empower, to encourage women to be empowered. Now that's not to say that men shouldn't be stepping up and let me be clear, absolutely men should make effort to step up in the dating, mating and relating process. The problem is very few men have role models and most men are getting bad advice because they're listening to pickup artist coaches and other people that just give men a lot of bad advice. So I encourage you by becoming empowered and then leading by example. So I just wanna distress that in the beginning. I want you to know, ladies, I'm on your side and I'm on men's side because I'm on the side of love and the side of love I'm most on is the side of self love. And so those who know me know I wrote a book called What the Heck is Self Love Anyway? And I'll talk about it more in this video. But if you're watching this for the first time, there's a link to my Jonathan recommends books. There's a link to my book. There's a link to my group all in the description. So just check out the description if you wanna find all that content. All right, so let's talk about those three things men rarely share that they're feeling. So I did a post this morning, sharing something very personal in the community section and it was something I shared. And the number one thing, and by the way, let me just say this, this isn't all men. This is just a lot of men share this feeling that I'm about to share, this fear is that I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough. Today, I did a long, long ass blog post sharing why I'm not good enough, why I don't feel like I'm good enough. And it's centered around not feeling like I can be a provider protector. Let me repeat that. It's centering around a feeling that I can't be a provider protector. Now, let me just tell you where this fear stems from. Hey, look, I grew up middle class, went to college, got a job, met a woman. We got married, bought a house, started a family. I was on that train track and I was definitely the masculine energy, direct to a provider protector. And then when coincidentally at the time I got divorced, I lost my quarter million dollar year job. And then a few years later, the market crash of 2008, I financially got wiped out. I mean, I got wiped out. I had a seven figure nest egg and it was gone in a matter of months. And for those that lived through that know what a terrifying time that was. And for many people, I had many friends that were mortgage brokers making two, three, four, $500,000 a year, literally on the streets depressed. In fact, I was so depressed I was doing drugs. I was drinking heavily and quite frankly, I was serial dating to kind of fill the void that was going on in my life. Now why I share this with you is while I've recovered from that period of time in my life, I've done a tremendous amount of personal development, self-help and spiritual work, which I talk about in my book called What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway? It's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. And for those who know me, I lost my 19 year old son Connor, that's a picture of him there and doing the work ahead of time prepared me for this nightmare experience. And yet still because of all this past trauma, I have a fear that I'll be rejected by women. And many, many, many, many men feel the same way because they may not be able to be a provider protector or there might be some other fear going on inside of them. And why I share this with you is not to necessarily, it's incumbent upon me to work on my fears. It's incumbent upon a man to work on his fears. It's incumbent upon a woman to work on her fears. I'm not here to, you know, absolve anyone of anything. I'm just here to put some light to this. Now, you might think, hey, look, alpha males don't go through this experience and you know, high status men don't go through this experience and high value men don't go through this experience. Let me just tell you, the number one emotional health issue facing almost everyone at a root level is I'm not good enough. And a lot of men mask I'm not good enough by having an outward bravado and out which is mostly focused on their career and their professional life. They hyper focus in that area. In fact, their libido is hyper focused in that area. And while they might have the confidence to be the provider protector, there might be an unconscious subconscious script going on inside of them that drives them. But that doesn't necessarily make them good partners to be in relationship with. So just because someone makes a lot of money has high status might even be perceived as high value doesn't make them any more capable of being in relationship because the real crux to being a good partner in relationship is emotional maturity, emotional maturity. And I recently did a live called the five signs of emotional maturity. I highly recommend you checking that out. It's a live I did just a few within the last two weeks. So scroll through it to find that because quite frankly, even though I have this fear that I'm sharing this publicly, I mean, look it, it's just a facet. It's a fear. It doesn't block me. And yet I still have a fear and I know many of you feel the same way. You have, we all have this internal fear of I'm not good enough on some level and most people just mask it. And I'm here to say that those who say otherwise are full of shit, okay? All right, so that's the first one. They might not feel good enough. Number two, and I wrote this down. I might be afraid to commit for fear of losing my identity. So what I'm suggesting is a man might be thinking this a fear of commitment because they might fear losing their identity. There's this preconceived notion that when we're committed to another, when we're in a fully committed relationship, we might lose our freedom. And the problem with that is if we start with a premise, and what I mean by freedom is truly our identity and a lot of men block or reject women based on this limiting belief that they lose their identity. Now, that's not to say a lot of men don't lose their identity. I know so many men who have literally lost their identity to their partner. They're literally, I mean, I know guys who are absolute doormats in relationship. Here's the thing, they allow that to happen. Whether you're a man or woman, whenever you become a doormat in a relationship, when you are an over, if you're an over people pleaser and you actually work, just all you do is try to please your partner instead of valuing yourself. This is a setup for failure. This is a setup for emotional chaos and inner chaos. And again, the reason why I wrote my book, and I just had one of the members in my private group just share with me that she's read the book for a second time and she wants to read it on a regular basis as a reminder that our sovereignty, our self-worth, our self-esteem, our self-reliance, our self-confidence is all predicated on how much we truly love ourselves and not giving our power away to another human being. So as I share this with you, this is true for men and women alike. And one of the things I'm here to put a stop to is this belief that you need someone else to love you for you to feel good about yourself as well as you absolutely can maintain your sovereignty when you're in a healthy, happy relationship. I wonder if I have them this, no, I put that, I threw it away. But I just want you to imagine there's a you, there's a me and then there's a separate entity called a we. And so a person doesn't have, even though they fear giving up their identity, it's just simply a fear because they haven't learned what a true partnership looks like. This is why ladies, I continually talk about this book over and over and over again in my videos. Please purchase the book, Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. So you know, the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And again, scroll to the description. There's a link to all my recommended books called Jonathan Recommend Books. I highly recommend getting that book. So let me just take a sip of coffee. My coffee mug says, let that shit go. We gotta let go of these old patterns and limiting beliefs and believe me, even my own fear. I've gotta let that shit go because the right woman for me, the right man for you is gonna appreciate you for who you are provided that you show up as an emotional grownup and a responsible grownup as well. So not just an emotional grownup, but you know how to take care of the shit in your life. What I mean is paying your bills on time and being responsible in your life as well as emotional maturity because you can have fears. It's okay to have fears, all right? But I wanna encourage you that don't let your fears run your life. I don't allow my fear to run my life. I'm just aware of my fears. And so my invitation for you is to explore your negative patterns, your limiting beliefs in your life. And if you need some support on that, I highly recommend this book. This is called The Hoffman Process. The Hoffman Process. This is something I did a couple of years ago. It's a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas so you can break the patterns that many of us have in our life of doing this. You know, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And so I'm here to say, if you wanna shift a pattern, you have to get to the root of what's causing it. Now, I know a lot of you women hyper focus and you've chosen the wrong man in your life. You've chosen men who are emotionally unhealthy. This is why when I work with a client, my whole goal is teaching you how to vet for emotionally mature men. So here's my question to you ladies. Do you wanna date 100 men that go nowhere or would you rather narrow it down to three really good prospects and have a good chance of falling in love with one of those guys? If that's what, if you would like that in your life, check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. And now the third thing that men rarely talk about is hidden fear, centered us around the performance in the bedroom, performance in the bedroom, our ability to please our partner. Now, a 20 year old man, a 30 year old man, doesn't have this fear per se, although many men at this age are taking the blue pill to help them and there's a reason for it. There might be some psychological reason, but as men age, this becomes an important thing that happens. Now, a lot of egoic men, so funny, I've talked to egoic men who just think their shit doesn't stink and they think they're the greatest man in the bedroom because they think they know how to please a partner because these are guys who are really good at pump and dump, okay? And they occasionally give oral sex and they think if they get their partner off that's true love-making. And I'm here to say, yes, at a root basic instinct level, that is sex, but very few men actually know how to make love to a woman too, actually. And I don't mean from the James Bond seduce the woman, I'm talking about really exploring her body from a tantric, from a commissutra perspective, very few men know about this. And one of the things that's because they don't know about it, they actually have a fear around the bedroom and a lot of men don't express this out loud. In fact, they stuff and repress it which is one of the reasons why they also have ED problems but they don't share this. And those guys with ego act so opposite from that and yet most of those guys don't know how to make love anyway. This is why I'm a big proponent of learning Tantra which is a yoga-based experience and learning commissutra and things so you can actually become a better lover and doing it with your partner together. That's what I'm a big proponent of. All right, I shared a lot. It's time for questions. Okay, so just to recap, I'm not feeling good enough. I'm afraid of losing my freedom and I might not feel like I'm good in bed. That's what a lot of men experience but don't share it publicly or privately but that's what's going on in inside. This isn't all men. This is just a large number of men feel this way. All right, so now it's time to take questions. By the way, if you like this content right now please hit that like button. I see a lot of people on right now. I just want others to be able to see it so if you hit that like button more people will get to see this. All right, let's put on the glasses and read what we've got here. All right, let me scroll to the top. Hi, Kim, hi, Christian, hi, Mary Beth, hi, Diana, hi, I am amazing, hi. Angie writes, all excited as I'm meeting a guy for the first time on Friday, online dating thing. Contact, three phone calls, numerous texts, all initiated by him. Feels good not to chase. You know what? I understand the idea. It feels good when the guy is making all the effort. Let me just say this. A lot of men also appreciate when women make the effort when women initiate because this also lets us know that you're interested. So I want you to recognize that making effort is not the same as chasing. Chasing means this. They're running away and you're chasing them. Here's another example. They're making effort, but you're over here so they're making effort, but then they go, well, you're over here, I'm gonna go this way because they don't see you making effort. Ladies, I wanna encourage everyone to look at the dating process as a two-lane street. You're equally making effort in the process of getting to know one another. I know it's great to have the guy do all the work because it feels chivalrous and he'll blame you, but how many times does a guy claimed sex from you but not a relationship? Let me just encourage you. Make effort, commensurate to their effort and you might see different results. It's just a suggestion, Angie. I hope you take it for what it's worth. All right, let's see if we've got any other questions here. Hey Joy, good to see you. Hey Tara, Maria, Maria Didi. Okay, so Maria writes, this explains my husband's actions and depressions. This is a very common thing. So I just wanna say that this is a lot of, by the way, I've had men watch these videos now that I share about insecurities. I've gotten so many emails from men saying, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for expressing this. Ladies, men and women alike have fears. Men and women alike have fears. Ladies, you have lots of fears. Most of your fear is partially predicated on the fact that many of you have adopted the belief system that you need someone else to love you before you love yourself. In other words, before you feel loved. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. The minute you give your power away to a man, this is why I scream at the top of my lungs and some people go, Johnathan, why are you yelling? I'm yelling to be a wakeup call to stop giving your power away. Now, I know some of you don't, I get it, but a lot of you do. So I yell. Anyway, so my point is, Marie, it's not uncommon for men to feel that way. So I really appreciate you sharing that. Lisa writes, so are you happily married? I like getting advice who are living happy relationships. So, no, I'm not happily married. I have been married. I've been in happy relationships. I'm here to express a lot of the core wounding and issues that cause a lot of relationships to work out. Listen, I know you can get advice from people who have been happily married. Great, go for it. But here's the challenge with people are happily married. If they're happily married, they're not dealing with the issues that 99% of the population deals with. And it's because I've been through alimony, child support, visitation rights, erectile dysfunction, elderly parents, and worse, I lost a child. Those who know that's a picture of my son, Connor, who passed away. When people have gone through pain and teach from a place of knowing from understanding, rather than living this fantasy life, I think they, and especially who's actively in the dating process right now, I understand what many of you go through because I'm in the boat. Now, why aren't I in, why aren't I in relationship? Part of it is I have a fear of not being good enough. But the other thing is I've been in mourning for the last few years. I've been in deep, now I'm gonna cry. I've been in deep pain over, I didn't just lose my son, I lost my mother few months before him. I've had the, you know, 2018 was a horrific year. And for the last few years, I've been rebuilding my inside out through a lot of personal development work. And this is why I scream at the top of my lungs and express the importance of doing this work. Because it's not about being happily married, it's about being happily married to yourself. And I do, and to, let me just say this, the most important relationship you have, you're ever gonna have in your life is the relationship with yourself. And that's what I'm working on right now. And my partner will come, my partner will come. And it's gonna be a fantastic relationship. I know it's around the corner. So anyways, I'll be candid. I got triggered a little bit when I read that. So I had to kind of defend myself. I don't have to defend myself. Those who follow my work, those of my clients who follow my work are falling in love, getting married, getting engaged. In fact, I have a brand new client who hired me a month ago and we had our first session and, or excuse me, when she hired me, I said, you'll be surprised. The minute you hired me, a great guy will come into your life. And sure enough, the week before our first session, she met a great guy and she can tell the difference. And that's the magic I'd like to think I bring into people's lives. It's not about whether or not I'm happily married. My job is to help you become happily married. And I'd like to think that I do a fantastic job at that because I'm not here spouting the bullshit rhetoric that was taught by this book. 90% of coaching is teaching this book of bullshit reverse psychology. It's so funny. Ladies, you can just lean back and be in your feminine energy all day long. But guess what? If you're not actually engaging in the process, no guy's gonna show up at your doorstep. You've gotta make effort in the bullshit reverse psychology stuff temporarily does work. It works temporarily. And then it crashes because most people haven't fucking done the work to heal themselves. And I said the effort, right? Most people, the vast majority of the population, many of you on here as well, have done little or no work healing childhood wounds and traumas as well as adult traumas. So yes, you can be in relationship with someone but is it juicy, delicious, happy loving? I'm gonna tell you, when you do personal development work you set yourself up for success. And that's my invitation for many of you. All right, I'm done ranting there. Hey, Jennifer. Jennifer writes, I love the Hoffman process. Thank you, Joy. Let's see. Okay, now we have some questions. All right. Women's right was a mistake. Women just want six foot four Chad Thundercock who presents 2% of the male population. Get real, settle down because most men in the West are already doing so. I don't understand that one. Christian writes, I stayed the night at a hotel with a guy I started dating. The date afterwards he asked me to pay my half of the bill. Do you have a question there? I will say this. If it's someone you don't know, don't make assumptions about any human being. That one, by the way, where's my book? By the way, ladies, buy the book, The Four Agreements. Four Agreements, one of the most important agreements don't make assumptions about people. Just because, and I'm not suggesting what he did was right by making that request of you, but I wanna say I wouldn't have entered into someone's hotel room without asking those questions. That's my suggestion for you. Tara writes, Hey, Tara, where is the line from which a woman's point of view of understanding this is where men struggle and encouraging them to grow versus being a victim of it. Love this question. So I just shared with you my feeling of not good enough. Now I don't share that from the premise of victim consciousness. A victim consciousness is blaming everyone else. He blames women. He blames his job. He blames the government. He blames everybody in their life. A victim complains and blames, okay? Brené Brown says the most courageous thing a person can do in their life is to be vulnerable. That's the most courageous thing to do. So when I shared my insecurity with you, I don't share it from a place of victim consciousness. If I did, if I blamed everyone else, then I wouldn't be investing in that person. That's not to say, by the way, ladies, let me just say something. I can take care of myself. I can pay for dates. I mean, I live at the beach. I drive a sports car. I do well for myself. I'm just telling you a fear that had based on a trauma that myself and many men have either feeling or have felt, okay? The difference is victim consciousness blames and complains and a true emotionally healthy, I just spit an emotionally healthy person comes from a place of expressing with the intent of healing. So it's not your job, ladies, to enable or heal a man. It's not your job. And believe me, you can waste up to 5.6 years of your life waiting for a guy to grow up because it takes the average man through mid-life crisis of a decade to get out of the tunnel. Where's my book? Oh, I didn't bring that book. Those who are familiar with Alison Armstrong's work, the Queens Code talks about men that go through the tunnel. This is also known as mid-life crisis. By the way, women go through this as well. And so it can take 10, 15 years to get through the tunnel. It's not your job to enable someone while they're in the tunnel. What's most important is that you seek an emotional grownup who's got his shit together who can pay his bills and that sort of thing. Hopefully you've got your shit together and you can pay your bills as well. Tara, I hope I answered your question giving you a big hug. Kim writes, I know a man that is an overgiver and loses himself to her. So he's giving away his power. I've recommended your videos. Thank you, Kim. Not a question, but what are your thoughts on this? Christian, I don't know what you're asking. Question, why are there some men who are in their late 40s and 50s never married, red flag? Okay, I have a question for you, Jennifer. Is a person who's married and divorced not also a red flag? Because what's the difference? Okay, so what's the difference? One made a commitment and couldn't make it work out. Another has yet to make a commitment, okay? Which one is, I mean, where are we putting the red flag? Because is a divorce any more red flag than someone who's never been married? Here's the deal. I have a dear friend of mine. He got married at 45 and ended up having two children before he was age 50. Some people take longer. A lot of people take time to do the work on themselves, and yet they've also had relationship on the way. And I guess my question is, if a woman is 40 and 50 and she's never been married, is it a red flag? The red flag merely means ask more questions. Everybody, write this down. Red flags mean ask more questions. So if someone's never been married, you may wanna, what if they've had a 10-year relationship with one person and a five-year relationship with another person, that demonstrates a level of commitment. Now, if they've had one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, relationships, they've had nothing but just an abundance of relationships, that's a red flag. The never married simply might mean find out what their past relationship history is. And let me just say this. Just because someone's been married in a divorce doesn't make them any more qualified to be in a relationship than the person that's never been married. That's my two cents, anyway. Rita, how do you diplomatically ascertain this? I don't know what we're ascertaining. Joy writes, when is the best time in relationship to express any fears we do have? As they come up or right up front, I don't wanna dump everything at once. I think there's certainly, you don't wanna vomit everything on a first date. You don't wanna vomit everything on the second date. You don't wanna vomit everything on the third date. I use the expression of vomiting, getting it all out. I can tell you that I've gone on a date with woman and expressed my angst over what happened with my son. Okay, I've expressed my angst over it. I've expressed my pain over it. I don't do that with just everybody. I do it when I feel safe. So my feeling is this, as you build familiar, if it's, okay, let me ask you this. If it's paramount to the relationship, then I do believe it's important to express it sooner rather than later. For example, if someone has a STD, certainly do it well before you have sex, okay? That's not a fear. That's just, it's paramount to the relationship. If your fear is paramount to the relationship, I think it's important to address them before you become too physically intimate with another human being. Now, some people operate from the different premise. Hook them sexually because then they're hooked sexually and then you can express all your fears, but quite frankly, I don't believe in hooking someone sexually, okay? I've listened to coaches tell women this and I'm flabbergasted at this. I do believe if it's material to the relationship, it's important to bring it sooner rather than later. Timing is an individual thing and that's my opinion on that. Thank you, Joy. PSI, thank you so much. Rita, if the man you are contemplating becomes intimate has no STDs. Good. Rita, if you have a question, write it and then ask a question so that I know what you're talking about. Okay. All right. Thank you, Rosa. Hugs from Texas. Okay, God bless you. Okay, let me see if there's a question. By the way, if you have a question, write the word question and then post the question. By the way, if this is resonating you, please hit that like button. I'd really appreciate it. All right, Linda, right. Oh, Jennifer. Hey, Jennifer. Jennifer writes, love expressing with the intent of healing, so important. Thank you. Kelly writes, Hi, Jonathan, great topic. Glad it's important to you to be with a, it's important to you to be a provider protector. Many guys don't feel that's important. Most important to me is providing and protecting emotionally and spiritually. You know, a lot of men today have been so burned, or let me reframe that, feel like they've been so burned in past relationships that they've actually gone the other direction. In fact, there's a whole group of men called MiGTown, men going their own way because they don't want to be the provider protector in relationship. Okay, I grew up of the baby boom, you know, the tail end of the baby boom beginning of the Gen X experience, and we were so conditioned on the whole provider protector. I would say the current generation growing up is operating a lot differently. However, so many men after going divorce, it's like this when it comes to the idea of being a provider protector because they might have been so burned in their marriage and then they were raked over the coals. Now, these men still want companionship, they want connection, they want sex, and they might chase, hunt and pursue it and might use lots of romance and money to persuade you, but that doesn't mean that they're ready for a healthy, happy relationship. So, one of the things I think is a good question is ask someone, what's your greatest fear around relationship? This is the first time I've ever recommended telling, this is the first time I've suggested to women to ask this question. Ladies, this is brand new, so I want you to do this. Before the penis gets to go inside the vagina, ask a man, what's your greatest fear around relationship? And then do this, listen, listen with your ears, shut the fuck, don't say a word, listen, listen, listen to what he says because this will be the goal depending on how he responds. Now, a lot of guys might deflect it, some guys might vomit, but most guys will actually, most men, a lot of men, let me just say, might give you a valid, honest answer and then you can have a real juicy, delicious discussion if it's something that's not so overwhelming because real deep conversations actually happen not from the surface, how's it going? How's your day? What's your day like? I hope you have a good day. Did you have a good day? I hope your day is really good. This is the bullshit conversation people do with their thumbs all day long on dating apps. All they're doing is, how's your day? How's your day going? Is your day good? I hope you have a good day. Sweet dreams, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If you really want to get fucking intimate with another person, talk about fears. That is those topics actually provide the greatest amount of connectivity when two humans can actually talk about fears and insecurities, not from a place of victimhood. Remember I talked about that? And a lot of people will vomit their victimhood. We are suckling on the nipple of victimhood here in the United States. We are so fucking victim consciousness. The news is nothing but victim consciousness. Social media is nothing but victim consciousness. And I want to encourage everyone to come at it from a victor consciousness. This is why I recommend all these books. Where's this one? Definitely, if you want to become a victor in your life, read this book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. Breaking your Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza. Anybody who wants to grow in their life, please do me a favor, read this book and then follow up with this book. I only have the CD version. Get Marianne Williamson's Return to Love. Oh my God. This is all about empowerment because we are fucking suckling on the nipple of victimhood and I'm so fucking tired of watching the news every day. I know I'm going on a rant, so please forgive me. I hope I'm answering your question at the same time. But Kelly, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. All right. Linda Wright, how do you support a man that has those fears? I know it's his work to deal with. I've learned not to try to heal him. Let's presume it's a man that knows his fears. Well, you know what? I think the best way to support another human being is just to listen, to just say, I understand. You don't have to solve the problem for him unless someone asks. So let me tell you a technique my ex-girlfriend and I used to do. So whenever, okay, so ladies, if you've never seen the video, it's all about the nail. Do me a favor. Someone, as they're listening to this, do a search on YouTube. It's called All About the Nail. Will someone put it in that video in the live chat or in the comment section if you're watching this later? Okay. This is an example of how when a woman shares her problems to a man, men try to fix it. We just inherently, because we don't want you to have problems. We just want everything to be happy, okay? So there's two types of things that are better, man or woman alike. We either want support or help in our life or we just want someone to listen. So my ex-girlfriend and I used to do the following. If there was a time she just wanted me to listen, she would say to me, and by the way, I stole this from Allison Armstrong, okay? Allison Armstrong is a wonderful coach out there helping women understand men. So you can Google her, it's called the Queen's Code. But so I'm gonna steal a quote that we took from her. So my ex-girlfriend would say, hey, Jonathan, I need you to hold the basket. I need you to hold the basket. That was code for, I'm gonna vomit a lot of shit. I just want you to listen and then we can go back and play gin rummy, go eat dinner or fuck our brains out, whatever it is, okay? Hold the basket. The other thing she would say to me is, hey, Jonathan, I need to process something with you. What that meant was she had to share something that came up and then wanted my advice and support based on what I share. So A, I need you to hold the basket, I just need you to listen, or B, I need you to process. I'm encouraging women that if you're in relationship with a guy, if you guys are having regular sex and seeing each other on a regular basis, begin a process of setting up the communication to be a healthier way. This is why I'm such a big proponent, ladies, of reading the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Again, the links to Jonathan Books is in the description. This is a, it should have been called Compassionate Communication. Because when you can learn Compassionate Communication, you're gonna be setting up your relationship for much greater success when you come at it from a healthy communication, by the way, ladies, every one of you say to me over and over, the most important thing in relationship is communication. And yet most of you are fucking terrible at it. Oh my God. I was watching, there's a show on showtime called Couples Therapy. And this is real couples therapy with a hidden camera. This isn't some bullshit, you know, reality TV Kardashian version of Couples Therapy. This is real therapy session. I can tell you the women in the group have just as much problem expressing themselves as the men do. That's why the therapist is deciphering what you're saying and then regurgitating it. So ladies that you think you're so great at communication, you're no better than men. I'll be candid with you. You all think, a lot of you women think you do. By the way, men think they're great at communication. Let me just say this. Oh, now men are good at expressing their logical sense, but they're terrible at expressing their emotional feelings. Most men actually struggle expressing themselves from emotional perspective. Doesn't make them bad guys, just makes them human. Just like women are terrible at expressing their emotions because women oftentimes vomit their emotions. So use the techniques, read the books I recommend. All right, let's go on. Thank you, Linda. Hazel writes, in psychology they said that a man never married could be a red flag, but I think that is a lack of experience with partnership or simply enjoyed life for themselves. That's sure that I would agree with. Jennifer, red flag means ask more questions. Correct. All right, Casey writes, what to consider when a guy you dated once comes back after ghosting? What to consider when a guy you dated once comes back? So let's define what is ghosting? He went on one date and he never called you on a second date. Is that ghosting or is that he just chose not to ask you out again? I wanna differentiate the two because ghosting is you're in a continual relationship with someone and they disappear. That's what ghosting is. Man asks you out on date. Have a good time, never calls you again. That's not ghosting, okay? That's just not telling you because here's the awkward thing. How do you call someone and say, hey, Casey, I just wanna let you know, I don't wanna ask you out on another date. Have a nice life. I mean, what do you expect? Now, a person could say, hey, I had a really good time with you and I'm not gonna ask you out on another date. Some people have the courage to do that. Some people don't. It's not ghosting, okay? Now, what do you do when it comes back? What do you, my question is, what do you wanna do? What do you wanna do? Do you wanna go out with them? Go out with them. You know, you are in charge of your destiny. You are in charge of your life. You don't have to worry about, don't focus on what the, by the way, I know all my videos are focused about the men, but what I'm teaching you in every single video is to be empowered with yourself. This is why, again, please buy my book, what the heck is self love anyway? Lady, stop giving your power away to men. If this is resonating with you, please hit the like button. Please hit that like button. Thank you so much. By the way, I really wanna encourage everyone to buy this book, How to Fucking Be An Adult in Relationship. We have so many children in relationship today. Men and women alike, it's time to become an adult in a relationship by learning all this stuff. And I'm screaming at the top of my lungs to encourage this. All right. Hi. Rita writes, how do you diplomatically ask if your guy has any STDs? Great question. How do you ask a guy if you have any STDs? It's simple. Hey, Jonathan, do you have any STDs? You just ask. I mean, you don't need to be diplomatic. You just ask. I mean, this is your body. You have every right before. I would certainly, if you, you don't need to ask on a first date or second date, but if it's becoming amorous with each other, apps of fucking Lutely ask. There's no, you don't need to be diplomatic. You just need to say it. Again, my book, first chapter, Speak Your Truth. Just do it with kindness. Say, hey, Jonathan, I'm worried about, I really like you. I'm worried about cooties. I just wanna know, do you have any STDs? And would you be okay if we both get STD tests before we are intimate with each other? Is it simple? Sorry if I act a little condescending, Rita, I apologize. Jennifer writes, I'm asking that question on my next date, which is next week. I'll let you know. Good. What's your greatest fear? That's the one about greatest fair-around relationship. Jennifer writes, all of the above, heroin and life, not a victim. Yes. Oh, shoot. Where is this going? Oh. All right, do we have any more? Again, if you have a question, post a question. Turn off the news. I did that last May. I know I should turn off the news too. Okay, women's rights was a mistake. Equal rights means equal fights, ladies. Okay, someone here believes that. I have a simpler way of expressing how I feel about, it's treating people kindly, compassionately, caringly. If that means, whether you're a man or woman, that's the way I operate. Just treat someone with kindness, compassion and care, okay? And if it's someone who's toxic in your life, then treat them with boundaries, okay? It's as simple as that. It's not about equality from the perspective. It's all about treating someone kindly, fairly, lovingly. That's all I care about. I don't care. If you feel like it's about rights, I'm not here to discuss rights. I'm here to discuss treating people with respect. Not everyone deserves your respect, and that's why we put boundaries up, okay? But I certainly operate from that premise men and women alike can treat people that way. If you choose to or not, that's my invitation for you. What if a guy isn't open to reading books or fights the process, deal breaker? Great question. So, ladies, if a man wants to have sex with you, you always used to make them earn it by paying for a lot of dates. How about making pay for it by reading lots of books, okay? And what I mean to say is this book is designed, the reason why it's called Eight Dates. It's eight unique dates to talk about the important things of relationship. You know, it's interesting. When I got married, the pastor made us go through marriage counseling, okay? We had to go through marriage counseling. So we knew what we were getting into. Well, nowadays, here's the bottom line. Before you, here, let me just say this. Multiple dating has caused one of the number one emotional health issues facing everyone. Let me repeat this, multiple dating, multiple relationships has caused the number one emotional health issue. That is, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable. It has war on people's psyche. Whether you're a man or a woman, men can disassociate themselves a lot easier because we are bred to, you know, spread our seed so we don't get as attached. Women get hugely attached. So one of the things I highly recommend before, as I say this continually, before the penis gets to go inside the vagina, ask a lot of grown up questions, grown up questions. This is what I teach in my private coaching. Again, if you wanna link, check out the link below to my private coaching. Can we start asking grown up questions instead of these benign bullshit kind of conversations most people have? If this is resonating with you, please hit that like button. I want to know that this is resonating. So please hit that like button. And why I share this with you is it's, if a guy is resistant, where else is he gonna be resistant? Okay, if someone is against it or resistant, let me tell you something. If you have problems in your relationship and you say, hey, let's go to therapy to heal it, no, no, no, I don't need that. I'm so, I've got my shit together. You know what? That's not a red flag. That's a deal breaker. It's not a red flag. It's a deal breaker in my book. And I invite you to make it a deal breaker in your book. If someone's not willing to educate themselves. I mean, how long does it take to fucking read a book a couple hours to do this together? And it's a fun thing to do together. If people aren't, by the way, I get a lot of complaints. Jonathan, all you do is recommend books. People, if you're not willing to invest one hour of your life to your inner peace, trust me, you deserve all the fucking chaos your life has. If you're not, by the way, that was really mean of what I just said. And let me tell you why I'm saying it. If you're not willing to invest in yourself, stop expecting magic fairy dust to suddenly come and solve all your problems. It is through work. By the way, when relationships say they say it takes work to people, it's not the work of the other person. It's the work on yourself. That's the work. Okay, I'm done yelling. Does everyone get my point? If you're getting my point, please hit that like button. All right. What is your position? Corey writes, what's your position on dating a separated man in the process of divorce? What's, I was gonna make a joke about my patient. My position is doggy style. No. Okay, I wanna tell a little story. So shortly after my divorce, I was online dating and I put down separated and I reached out to a woman and she said, thank you. So my profile said separated and she wrote, this was five months in. And she said, thank you for writing me, Jonathan. You have a great profile. Reach out to me when you've been divorced for 18 to 24 months and you've had one to two transition girlfriends. And I'm like, what do you mean by that? And I go, I wasn't in a happy marriage. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready for a relationship. She goes, well, I'm not going out with you. Sure enough, two years later, I took two years for my divorce to end, but two years of being legally separated, but I mean, we were apart from each other. I had two transition relationships and then that woman, I saw her back on match.com and I wrote her and I said, oh my God, thank you so much for what you shared because you were absolutely right. It took me a good two years to unravel the tapestry of the divorce. And then it really took me another 10 years to reintegrate who the fuck I was as a person. I was a train wreck for 10 years after my divorce. I mean, like I said, I did drugs, I did alcohol, I was serial dating, I was a train wreck. This happens to a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of people. So here's the thing, my question Corey, flip a coin. No, not flip a coin, roll, take five dice, pick one number and then roll that. That's your chances of that working out. It's five to one, it's not even five to one, it's 30 to one, is my guess. Joy writes to Corey, wait till the divorce is final. Jennifer, I went on a first date with a man who made fun of therapy. He's 53, never married, red flag, which is why he's single. Well, actually again, that's a deal breaker probably. Amy writes, how do you reassure a man that it's okay to be their genuine self? He's a sweetheart and total gentleman, but I feel as if I don't know his true self and I really want to, any advice? Amy, I love this question. Ladies, the best relationships are the relationships when you're with your best friend. My mother and father who were married for 66 years, they were best friends with each other. The real challenge with dating today is most people aren't developing a deep friendship with one another. Friends are the people you can talk to about anything and the reason why they're not developing deep friendships because they're not revealing them true selves and our true selves is we are riddled with fucking fears and insecurities. This is why, here's my suggestion for that relationship. Read this book, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. This is my Bible, if there was such a thing. This book is by far my favorite book ever on the planet. And I've given this to some of the hard ass pain in the ass people in my life. And I swear to you, this changed their life. If you want to change the dynamic in your relationship, start reading this book together and talk about what's in the book. If you want to develop a friendship, talk about what's in these books I recommend because that's where you can get into the deeper rooted stuff of trust. And if you need more support, that's what I teach in my private coaching, how to build the roots to trust because when you're truly trusting with someone, you're able to reveal yourself. You're able to be more open, authentic, vulnerable and transparent. And that's what I want everyone to lean into. Everybody knows me how much I hate leaning back. I'm all about leaning in. Lean into your sovereignty. All right, thank you, Corey. And thank you, Amy. Jennifer, it was a deal breaker yet he tried to ask me out again. I ignored him. Okay, yes, friendship is important. Jonathan, the books are the right approach. I suggested he dates to a man in a long distance relationship. He agreed. The second visit, it sat on the table for five days with no action. I broke up with him after, not serious. You know what? Okay, I'm gonna be wrapping up not too far soon. Ladies, I can't tell you how many women have listened to my advice, bought this book. This book, well, they bought this book first. Everybody buy this book. Look it, by the way, I pitch my book in every video. I make three dollars. It's not like I'm becoming, you know, it's not like I'm selling a million a day. I sell three a day, okay? It's make 10 bucks. But I'm grateful for it. Don't get me wrong. But my point is, I've had women who have bought two copies of this book and they gave one to the man that they're dating. And I can't tell you email after email after email after email I'm getting from women saying thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, Jonathan. Because now you're having deeper, richer conversations with men. Look it, I know you can date all those alpha males, those men that are chivalrous and they blah, blah, blah. But here's the thing, a real guy, let me refrain that. Your guy, the right guy for you, wants to lean into developing a partnership with you. That's the guy I'm encouraging you to date and I'm encouraging you to choose men who are gonna lead into partnership instead of getting their rocks off. And the problem is, if you're not familiar with Esther Perrell's work, mating and captivity. She calls, the most common phenomena today is casual relationships. This is companionship, connection, and sex. It's called stable, well, she calls it stable ambiguity, I call it casual relationships. The vast majority of you are in casual relationships. And the reason why she calls it stable ambiguity, it's because it's monogamous and exclusive, the ambiguous part is, you're not in a committed relationship with one another that's leading to something. Stop choosing those types of relationship, ladies. My intation for you is to stand up and be in charge of your relationship, Destiny. Stop giving the job to the man. I know a lot of arrogant men want to be, they want, listen, a lot of arrogant men want to be a patriarchal society. It's them and then you. But trust me, those relationships aren't very happy. The happiest relationships are the relationships where it's a two lane street. You're both equally investing into each other. It's not a one up, one down. A lot of guys are getting such bad advice. They're being told treat women like second class citizens today. Because they're saying women deserve that because you can literally be an asshole and they'll just keep coming back for more. I want you to encourage you not to choose those men who are arrogant, entitled, alpha types that all they care about themselves. I want you to choose the man who's ready to explore a relationship with you as a two lane street and that's my invitation for you. Kara writes, dear Jonathan, I was married to my best friend for almost 15 years but we were that, just soul friends. We had no passion to our marriage. I was so frustrated. So I asked for a divorce. Hey, you know what? My favorite, there's a quote. I love the quote, friendship on fire, friendship on fire. Here's the thing. When I talk about a juicy, delicious relationship, when I say it, and a lot of people joke at me because I say that. Yes, it should be fucking passionate. It should be juicy. It should be delicious. It should be best friends who wanna fuck. Write that down. Best friends that wanna fuck. And I don't mean friends with benefits. I'm talking about a great romantic relationships or best friends who wanna fuck, okay? And committed to one another, not friends with benefits. All right, I think you know where I'm going with all this. Hey, listen, I wanna thank you all so much for the love and support you've given me. I'm wrapped up on the question. So thanks for all those that are posting. I wanna thank you all the love and support you've given me. Many of you have supported me on my journey, especially with my son. I can't begin to thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. All of my work, referring this to other people, please share this video if you like it. Check my podcast, The What Would Love Do podcast. And if you want individualized support, check out a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coaches right for you or join my membership group called Midlife Love Mastery. There's a link below there as well. Check out the books I recommend. Ladies, I have one mission in my life. Well, I got many missions. Let me backtrack. One of my passions in my life is to encourage everyone to take on the journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work and to invest at least 15 minutes to an hour a day in yourself because when you shore up your foundation, you're prepared to actually attract a great partner in your life and that's what I want for everyone, not just women, men alike too. And that's my invitation. Do the work and watch the magic happen. I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to be in your screens today. And those who know me know I like to do the following. I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off, giving myself a big gigantic jot and bear a hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a teddy bear or a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and we can all use more love in our lives. Thank you so much. I wanna thank Kim and Jennifer and Kelly and Leif and Cara and Joy and Barbara and Diana and Maria. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. This has been a blast to be in your lives today. Wishing you a super duper wonderful day. Thanks, bye-bye now.