 On today's show, the wildly funny, always engaging, Keith and the Girl, they host one of the top podcasts in the world. They've been doing this for more than 10 years, Keith and the Girl. Coming up, Keith and the Girl, I want to remind you that we have premium content. Go to davidfeldmanshow.com and become a monthly subscriber for as little as $5 a month. You can gain access to all our premium content. We accept all major credit cards. If you've lost the password to our premium content, then hit the contact button. I'll send you the password for our premium content. There'll be some premium content from today's show, 30 more minutes with Keith and the Girl. It's only $2.50 or become a monthly subscriber and gain access to all our premium content for as little as $5 a month. We accept all major credit cards. More stuff coming down the pike as we start the fall. These are the dog days of summer. Expect some great new features at the David Feldman show. 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And you guys are Keith and the Girl. I've done two podcasts in the past year that caught me by surprise. One was Fitzdogg, Greg Fitzgeralds. I just figured I'd show up and do it. Next thing I know, it was like doing a Comedy Central special. Everybody's walking up to me and going, God, you were so funny. And I did your show about three weeks ago and everybody heard me. We recorded that one, put it out. We decided it was good. Oh, thank you. You were so much fun. Well, you guys do a great show because you're prepared and you work at it. I like how surprised you were that we were prepared when you first walked in. Yeah. You're just shocked. I think during the show every 10 minutes was like, you still have another topic. Right. And another topic. So we're not going to run out of things to say. Your podcast is so interesting. That was basically the whole episode. As a stand-up comic going from town to town, committing murders and performing stand-up. What? Rape and pillaging. You throw these, by the way. I'm a big fan of your show. You do throw in these little things that I do think the cops should look into. Like the stand-up. No. I don't steal that many jokes. You said murder and rape. You just said that. No, that's what you heard. That hugs you. I murder. No. No, I murder on stage, Keith. I bring a family up on stage. And I ask them. What? Some questions. Oh, I do remember the last time I did, I do stand-up once, literally once a year. And last time I did it, it really felt good. And I told him, I think I raped them. That was good. Like, you know how you rape a crowd. Yeah. And I was like, that was definitely not consensual. So congratulations. Speaking of rape, and I want to talk about Bill Cosby. I don't know if he... Oh, let me get my sexy voice on. Hold on. Okay. It's not looking good for Bill. No, it's not. I'm starting to have feelings that he's not on the up and up. But you think he may not respect women? He might have done some things inappropriately. I think that he doesn't respect them in their slumber. That's the issue. I've never seen him rape. Right. So what do I know? I mean, do you think he's... I'm not following the story that closely. Do you think he's referred to women as chicks and broads? Is that the problem? It's so rude. Has he been politically incorrect on stage? What's going on? Well, there was a New York magazine cover with 35 women, and I don't have time to really read it. But I assume all of them are, you know, each called me a chick, number two. He called me a broad. I was at a discomfort level with Bill Cosby. Yes. He looked me up and down. Like, oh, you thought he was nice, but he frowned at me. I walked and then I can tell through the mirror he looked at my ass, and he thinks I don't know that. Like, I assume that's what the article's about. And it is inappropriate. You're at a position of power. Yeah. He kept telling me to pick up my pants, but then he dropped them. That was weird. That was odd. Were... Yeah. But did you have a question about it? Yes, I did. Yes, I did. David, tell me you never made a mistake. Tell me you never made a mistake. He must have made 35 mistakes. He made mistakes. Chris Brown made mistakes. These people make mistakes. Hey, guilty. I made a mistake. I mean, come on. You went to put a kway lute in your mouth and accidentally dropped in her drink, and then she passed out and you didn't want to be rude. People make mistakes. Yeah. What do you use your kway lutes for? I wouldn't have lost my virginity had it not been for kway lutes. I mean, you know, people, different strokes. Cosby strokes. What happened? I screwed a kway lute. I just put my penis into a kway lute. No. Have you taken kway lutes ever? Yes, I did. In the 70s, early 80s. Does it make sex better? If you were as neurotic and virginal as I was. It calms you down. I could not imagine getting intimate with a woman. I'd just given my family of origin, and this girl gave me a kway lute. And you know, I was, I thought I was a lot better than I actually was. So the memory of kway lutes is different. Maybe that's what Cosby's weird situation is. Like, I remember being great. Yeah, I'm not going to defend him at all. Per se. No, my name is David. Not per se. I do that joke all the time. Somebody says per se. I go, no, it's David. We're talking with Keith and the girl. Let me ask him how angry you are genuinely at Bill Cosby and the silence that went on since the 60s. I was with some black comics from Philadelphia the other night and they grew up in Philadelphia and they said, we knew growing up to stay away from Bill Cosby. Everybody knew. That's really odd to me. I think he's a sociopath. I think legitimately he is a sociopath. I don't think that you do that, especially over and over and over again, especially in your position where you really can just get women to sleep with you. You can. You don't need the kway lutes. You're cheating on your wife, which I don't care. I don't care that you're cheating on your wife. I don't know what kind of arrangement you have with her. That's her problem. Right. Unless I'm friends with her. But to just the thing is, is I'm sort of mad at myself because it took me a minute to recognize that somebody who seemingly is so nice can do that. And now I've just been getting increasingly more angry with more information just in general about how people are treated, how minorities are treated, how women are treated, and the silence that comes with it. But I understand the silence from the women. I do understand the silence from the men. But I think at this point, it needs to stop. I think, David, I would ask you if you knew that someone, if you knew someone that you knew and you knew to stay away from him, could you please just let me know? Right. More people could have said it. I think more people could have said it. I wonder if we would have believed that. I think hindsight is not fair, obviously. Well, it's like you say, David, about, yeah, people speak up, but when it's convenient. You know, we all feel this way now. Okay, then I do too. And they knew the whole time. But I don't think, see, I heard about that also that you're concerned about, like, well, are you saying it just because everybody else is saying it now? It's convenient on the way out of the John Stewart show. I just want to point out, you guys listened to my last show, and I find that an invasion of my privacy. That's why we listened to it. I feel naked. I enjoy your invasion. I'm not going to tell you which episode I learned about Team Fel, though, but yeah, I listened. This is embarrassing. It's like somebody... It's like I forgot to erase my browsing history. Listen, three nipples. It was interesting to me. If Chandler can have it on friends. By the way, if you're going through your husband or boyfriends or girlfriends browsing history, it's the last site that he or she visited. That's the one that got them off. That's the one you need to pay attention to. God, I picked up such good pointers in this show. Yeah, if you want to find out what your lover is into, it's that last thing on the browser that he or she looked at. Cosmo just told me that. Really? Of course, yeah. Are you putting me on? Yes. How do you find out what your man is into? Just check his browser history. The last thing was the thing he came to. Obviously, you have to redo that. So I'm going to get my little Catholic schoolgirl skirt going because I feel like that's the last. And how to make him Alfredo. Alfred of what? Tex-Mex and three steps. I'm scared. I mean, thank God this show's not live. Yes, okay, I will delete my browser history. So I saw a column in the Washington Post and I say that to sound more authoritative. When I say I saw a column in the Washington Post, oh, David Feldman is bright and intelligent. He saw it. Alex put it in front of him. I see it, Alex. Okay. I get it. You read the news. I read the headline and the caption underneath the picture. That's all that was intended. Yes. And by the way, I am flying without any knowledge today. You saw that Alex printed out the topics. Yeah, ignorance is the funniest. So let's go for it. I really am. I'm working off headlines because there are a lot of topics I want to talk about. I remember when David talked about Bill Cosmo. He was like, wait, he did what? I really should have read this. This is who? So somebody said in the Washington Post or wrote. Already. I know. I made it. Stay strong, David. And I'm feeling it's like in high school and you're writing an essay during the test. Somebody said or actually wrote. Okay, that fills up a sentence right there. Webster's dictionary describes an article as one which... So this woman, I think her name is Ruth Marcus. And she said they should take away Bill Cosby's Medal of Freedom Award. I don't even know what that is. Presidential Medal of Freedom Award. Why would we give that to him to begin with? Right. Tell me what he did to get it and then I'll tell you if we should take it. He had his fake kids sing into a hairbrush. And it was adorable and that is freedom. And you got to fight in the military and half die and you'll get something close to that. But congratulations to him. They should take it away. Yes. They should take it away. And there's a picture of George W. Bush in 2002 wrapping the Presidential Medal of Freedom around Bill Cosby's neck. And the headline says take away Bill Cosby's Presidential Medal of Freedom. And I'm thinking, so if I were black, I would say... I got to look into sickle cell anemia. Instead of taste sacks. Yes. Tell us what would happen if you were black. I... First of all, after I quit getting beat up by the cops, I would then go, hey, you know what? All my pants up. By the way, I want to apologize. Could you? Yes. But I had a joke... Oh, not even for this. For something we can tell is going to happen. James Baldwin was a Marxist so he had hammer and sickle cell anemia. I apologize. Oh, you can't even help it. I can't help it. I don't even know if James Baldwin was a Marxist. It doesn't matter. I just know he was black and lived in Paris and I figure he must have been a Marxist. What kind of assumptions are these? Hammer and sickle cell anemia. I do feel like David has a form of Tourette's but it's the slowest Tourette's. You know what I mean? Here comes my Tourette's and it does interest me that... Just stop, David. I'm sorry, I can't help it. Sickle cell, get it? With the sickle is on the Russian flag. Yeah. And people are polite because it's my show and they're going, what the hell am I doing here? I just better nod my head and just tell my agent never to come back. Yes, such a lovely smile. Yes. But if I were black, after I looked up the symptoms of sickle cell anemia... And Rachel Dallazole and how she did it. Well, we'll get to that. I'll discuss her in a second. I would think, there we go again, persecuting the black. Man, I do mean this on a gut level. I know the women are going to get angry with me and the black people are listening. But you're black now, so it's cool. I'm black. Don't speak for us. We can handle it all by ourselves. Thank you, Jew. If you were black. If I were black. Not to cut you off, would you... As a paranoid Jew. Would you say the N word with an A at the end? If you're black. That's the only reason why he wants to be black. He's just bringing up this Cosby shit, just as like a side note, like a nice way in or something. Okay, so the whole room recognizes I'm black, right? Okay, here I go. We're on board. I need you all to write down that you recognize I'm black and sign it. Okay, we're good? Here we go. Initial here. Okay, just sign that. Okay, here we... No, I don't... No, first of all, take away his award, take away his life. I don't understand why he gets to live and everybody else gets to bow down. It has nothing to do with him being black or white. Well, we gave him a lot of respect over the years. He got a lot of awards and a lot of recognition. He got, you know, certificates and I'm sure he got Emmys. They should take away an award if it was for a spelling bee. Take away all the fucking awards. Fuck you. Yeah, I don't understand why we need extra stuff for Cosby right now. But David, seriously, if you were black, what? If I were black... He's a criminal. There are people who kill less people. He's a criminal, David! Oh, hi, David! I'm black! He's evil! But you had a thought. David, I'm sorry. We never let the black man talk. Please do. Oh, it's good to be this shade. If I were black... You'd be hearing more sirens right now, but go ahead. I would look at that picture of George Bush and think all Bill Cosby did was rape 4,000 women. Look at what George Bush did. Why are we all agreeing that Bill Cosby should go to prison? But instead of George Bush? Instead of George Bush. What are we going to do? Because there's nothing we can do. There was a time where we all believed George Bush would be charged for, quite frankly, war crimes. We're smart enough to know now it's never going to happen. So that's the end of it. And just because Bill Cosby is in jail doesn't mean he is. His freedom is fine. He's got the freedom of war award by just being able to go outside and live his life and sue the victims of his crimes. That's where he's at right now. Getting his lawyer to sue his victims for giving him a bad name. He can go fuck himself. And by the way, Bush can also. I have enough fucks to give for all these people. We have... Let me say, David... Are we allowed to say fuck? We have good because we have plenty of it. And I'm not confused like, oh no, I put all my hate into Bill Cosby. I'm good with this George Bush now. No! I can hate many things. I'm going to hate something on the way home today. I'm good. I got plenty. I got plenty. I'm sitting on fucks right now. I got too much fucks. No worries. That was my reaction. That, again... As a black man? As a black man, rape is wrong. And 5,000 is even more egregious. Right. I figure... It's good math. You must be a Jew. Are you black Jew? I'm a black Jew. I'm a special... Yes. I'm the most minority type. David and a woman. If they want to be. Right, David and I. I just think it's easy to... There's this group think, like we can all pile on Bill Cosby. Instead of focusing... He should go to prison. He's obviously guilty. I just... Now we can move along. Thank you, David. Thank you. But it does piss me off that Dick Cheney is able to get a heart transplant. Right. But there's nothing we can do about it. That's not even it. All three of the people that you mentioned got a lot of shit in the media. A lot of people hated Bush. A lot of comedians were very happy that he got that second term just for the joke still. Bush is almost a punchline. Bush, right? Yeah, fuck half war. Yeah, it's just that he's out of the media because he's not president anymore. Right. But we hated him just as much, but he also had just as many supporters. So does Cosby. That's why he's able to go on tour and people defend him. They both have enough people backing them up that they can throw money at the situation and not one of them has been to jail. No. So I don't know why we're comparing these people and thinking one got it better than the other. Bush got it for years. Okay. I just... And believe me, we'll forget about Cosby in a year. Why think he's going to go to jail? Will he get... He'll die first. I think he's going to go to jail. I'll bet you $10. He never goes to jail. I'll bet you $1,000. I'm not kidding. He'll kill himself. Can I bet you $1,000, $10? Yeah. And then if I lose the bet, I'll go, hey, I owe you $9. Remember that bet we had for $8? I'm going to pay you that $5 I owe you. Because we bet $3. I say, you know, I pay you. That was one of my favorite jokes when I was starting out and I had to stop doing it because it was so anti-semitic. We used to get the biggest laugh. I used to say... Do you know you didn't say it? Yeah. Jewish kid... I do like that you prepare the audience. Yeah. You're like, this was a joke. I did that. And it's like, you know what? I'm in. Go. Jewish kid walks up to his dad. He says, Dad, can I borrow $5? And the father goes, $4. Why do you need $3? What happened to the $2 I gave you yesterday? If I give you $1, you're going to ask for... I remember you saying this. I remember this, too. I remember that we used to repeat it as a thing. That joke. And the audience would laugh so hard at that joke. I figured they weren't laughing at the joke so much as they wanted to hurt me. You know, we hate Jews. You're such a comic. Of course you would think that. They're laughing because it's terrible. David had his Chappelle moment that day. And he was going to go to Africa, but he's looked in the mirror. It's like, no, I just wish I was black. I'm not welcome there. Well, how many police officers are going to get caught on tape shooting black motorists? I totally know the answer to this. What is the number? How many? Oh, let me. Okay. Too many. Thank you, audience. That's why he's my co-host. Goodbye, everybody. Is this every day I turn on the news and there's video of a unarmed black person getting shot by a white troglodyte wearing a cop's uniform. I think it's going to keep happening. And I think we need to talk more about it. And I think we need to catch them more on video. And I think that if people get violent against the cops, the cops should see it coming at this point. Yes. You think the people should get violent against the cops? I think the people are going to. Nothing changes without violence. Nothing. Yeah, if you back someone up in the corner. Oh, I can't just say that. That? That's why we split up. He got violent. I was like, you're right. Nothing changes. You both agree with me? Agree with Keith? I wouldn't be surprised. And I do think a lot of times, you know, if you back people up in a corner so much, the only thing that they have left to do is push you out of the way. And that pushing becomes violent because there's no way that a cop is going to be pushed. They will, they're already responding violently to peaceful encounters. If people push back, which they're going to have to, then the cops are going to get even worse. And that's going to change the climate. The climate's already there. It's already that black people have it the worst in this country. It's terrible. It's only been, like, what, 150 years since they were enslaved for 400 years. There's so much change that needs to happen. And there's so much underlying racism that we don't even recognize from ourselves when we look at a black person because we were so taught to see them as second, third, fifth-class citizens that even we're prejudiced as, like, the, quote, nicer people, the more, you know... Evolved. Yeah, the more... Right. So even us, even we have prejudice against people that we just consider people, but because of this, because of the climate here, there's so much prejudice against them. There's so much to get through and get past that I don't blame anyone for getting violent and getting angry. Why wouldn't you be angry? When you have... I have good friends that participate in Occupy Wall Street. And then, you know, who gives a fuck? You're in a tent. Surprise. It's going to get cold. That's the end of it. I'm surprised that you got to take Pittsburgh's to the White House, I think. I think that Occupy Wall Street helped more than we know. I agree with him. We recently talked to Ted Alexandra who explained it more to us. Yeah. And, you know, people like Molly Neffle and John Neffle who actually go to places like Occupy Wall Street, they are in the streets. Get arrested, right. Get arrested, yep. By the way, Ted Alexandra, we've had him on the show. He's the best. When it comes to comics who pretend to care about things, he is the best. Nobody pretends to care more about left-wing issues. I'll tell you, I wish I could pretend as well as he does. He does, of course, really care. But, he does. And I guess that's the point. But, he's got so many, when he's at a rally, he's got balls. When he's at a rally, he has that selfie with whoever's important all the time. All the time. He's at the CNN camera. He's like, Michael Moore. I don't know what he's doing. But, yeah, he's got a whole Facebook album of it. He's a dude. So, we talked about the Occupy movement. Yeah, did he talk about it? This is what he said on our show, is that it's not that everything's going to change because we sat in tents. It's that we changed the language that now the government has to use, that now people in the press have to use. We made reference to certain things that you didn't know how to put into words, that now the layman, the, you know, slactivist, can now put on Twitter and Facebook. And now, because those words are out there, the language has changed. So, once you change the language, certain people can't ignore it as much. They're not going to just change their mind. They're not going to take themselves down from power. They're there for a reason, and they're going to fight it all the way. But now we have words to fight with, and we have a media, just like podcasting, blogging, Facebook, everywhere. We can be recognized, and we can be heard. I just got invited to Candy Crush. That's important too. That's important too. Yeah, if you go back and look at when Occupy started, it was, I believe, in the fall of 2001, that's not even four years ago. Look at what is... 2001? Yeah. 2011? Not even four years ago. Oh, 2011, I'm sorry. I do that too with the O's, yeah. Yeah, that's fucking confusing. Yeah. They really should have had another number. Yeah, skip it. It starts with one. Yes. This two. Oh, this 2000? Yeah. It makes you like evaluate when you graduated high school. We were like, oh, I graduated 10 years ago. Holy shit, I graduated 23 years ago. I just realized my wife is 10 years older than I thought. Holy. So if you look at what they were talking about four years ago, the enormous chasm between the wealthy and the poor, that wasn't on the table. Nobody discussed that. Now there's bipartisan agreement. I do agree to be clear. Everybody agrees. The Republicans and the Democrats agree that there's a 99% and a 1%. Well, I agree too is my point. Yeah, everybody agrees that Wall Street is a problem on both sides of the aisle. Do you watch a lot of these documentaries, man? How do you sleep at night? I mean it. It's not the documentaries that make it difficult for me to sleep at night. It's the Ted Alexandros, right? No, it's the murdering. It's the going from city to city. And riping. Oh, geez. That calms down the voices, right? Murdering on stage. I feel guilty that I'm such a great comic. But I murder. It is. You know what? Yes, these movements definitely matter. For example, when gay marriage is legal in all 50 states, now I think so many people, it's unfortunate it has to work this way, are like, okay, it's legal, then I'm okay with it. Right. It's up to 64% of Americans approve of gay marriage. There you go. And I think like. Like a year ago it was 49%. Right. And it's weird that, to me, that number sounds low, but I do get that's huge. Yeah. Yeah, because smarter people are going to tell you what to do. Mm-hmm. Yeah, okay. All right. Right, right. They're going to make you understand what the norm is. And unfortunately, the government is the standard for a lot of people for what's norm. And they're wrong about so many things. How could all white, fat men know the norm for everybody in this country? You know? Well, and not in this. Absolutely the food. Not in this form of revolution. There was a white, fat man named Norm from Cheers. And he knew everything. He knew everything. That's true. We should all drink beer and yell. Oh, no. No, Cliff knew everything. Norm was just cool. I know, but I thought I had a joke. Oh, sorry. And there are people. Let me. I'm sorry. It's okay. Please excuse yourself. Please you're embarrassing me. You're absolutely right. Cliff knew everything. I would be somebody in the audience. I wouldn't heckle, but I would look at my wife and be like, actually, Cliff knew everything. No. No. He's got, actually. It's common knowledge that Cliff knew. I mean, please. It's like the way you remember it is like Cliff's notes. Like you can remember that pretty well, I think, you know, just sort of that in memory. I know. Enjoy the joke anyway, because I get it. He had a terrible job from the post office. And he acted like he was brilliant. And one day he was on Jeopardy. Okay. Thank you. Let's just keep watching this comment. You married me. The trick to my comedy is it sounds more intelligent and clever than it actually is. And if you actually track the wit, it's not there. Wouldn't you watch your old stand up? Does it drive you crazy? I don't watch it. No. No. Really? Do you hear it? I don't. It's out there in the ether. And I can't. I can't watch it. Do you think? Huh? Go ahead. No, I heard a high-pitched dolphin noise. I just reacted. Do I think? Do you think that the police are shooting unarmed black people because of the video cameras? Because I notice as a performer, whenever there's a red light on, it's showtime. And we all want to be... They're such pros. Do you think if we take away the video cameras, the cops will stop showboating? The cops? Seriously? I think that's what it is. Alex, can you please take a picture during the podcast so everybody could see the shit-eating grin on this man's face? He's very pleased. And then we'll put in the frame and put it next to his bed so he can sleep at night. He did very good. He did very well. I think the problem is everybody, because of social media, everybody wants their 15 minutes of fame. And the minute you put a body camera on a cop, he's thinking, this is my chance to be on the CBS Evening News and available for it. Yes, yes. But maybe then they'll only kill one person and then be charged and then go away. I know Kendall well. This is her sarcastic voice. I am a fan of the idea of body cameras. Thank you. But not for cops. It wasn't a monologue, but not for cops. No, for cops. Yeah. Everybody should have body cameras. I get you. You know what? No, sometimes you want to flash your titties and not have it documented. Come on. That's just for you. Kendall's brother. Which one? I mean two. Your Michael sends me these cop abuse videos. That's what you guys do? That's your thing? That's my thing. We're cool. So when a guy has a video camera, his phone, I mean, when he takes his phone, he's like, the cop says, I want to look in your bag. You can't look in my bag, motherfucker. Look in the fucking Constitution. You crack a motherfucker. Suck my dick, motherfucker. If he knows the law, that's what it is. Good. Can you? I allowed the yellow cops. Yes, you are, by the way. Not only that. Is that weird? Well, Jody Armour, he's a professor of, he's the Crocker Law Professor at USC. Cracker Law, I call it. Crocker Law. Okay. Cracker Law is a whole other expertise. I think Scalia specializes in that. I specifically asked him. I said, can I walk up to a cop? The reason I asked him is Jody Armour is a professor. He's African American. My son has all African American friends. It's just phenomenal. And each one to a man. He's so amazing. I wish I was black. Each one to a man has been harassed by the cops in L.A. All the black kids who come and visit have stories of spending a week in jail being thumbprinted and charged with nothing. I can't see that note. Oh, okay. F-U. Alex Brazell. F-U. Okay. It's a weird thing you guys work out where he tries to center you. Like, hey, fuck you. Here's a little note. Now, I have, you know, I've learned to check my white privilege. I have yelled at cops. Get out. I have yelled at cops. What do you, like what? Tell me your best story, the one you masturbate to. There was a homeless woman being arrested. And she was, there were six cop cars in L.A. In front of a 99-cent store. In L.A. A 60-year-old woman handcuffed because she had set fire to a trash can. And there were six cops and the disco lights were flashing and I walked up to the cops and I said, and somebody was with me and they couldn't believe I was doing it. And my shrink told me to stop doing this. Okay, I'm getting ready. I love the way you introduced the story. And here we go. And I said to the cops, do you think you have enough backup here for this woman? And the sergeant gets right up in my face. He goes, you have a problem? And I said, yeah, I do have a problem. I pay your salary. I see five cop cars handcuffing this 60-year-old woman because she set fire to a trash can. Yeah, I do have a problem with this. This is a show of force. This is fascism. And it felt great having that nice stick jammed up my ass. What happens right after? Obviously, you weren't taken to jail the way it sounds. White privilege. Yeah. It was one of those things where sometimes I roll the dice and because of the way I look and the way I dress, he figured I was a Jew lawyer who was going to be more of a hassle than he was worth. Right. And the cop, because I don't have a police record and I pay my taxes. You do that? But he didn't look you out. He looked me up and down. And he did. He looked at me and he... That's what white people think. Like, did they look you out? Yeah, up and down. Yeah. I mean, believe me, we get it too, guys. Brothers. And I tell that story and I'm getting worked up because cops in LA are despicable. And they intimidate poor people. They have a shakedown racket. That's what they do. Our whole system is based on... Just to get a couple more bucks. They shakedown black people. You know what goes on in Ferguson? That's a shakedown racket. Sure. Even the Justice Department issued a report that said, Ferguson, the way they fund the city is by getting black people trapped in a cycle of debt. And that was the headline in the paper. It was. Here's the perspective though, right? Let's say you can't yell at cops, okay? But you legally can't. But let's say you can't... Let's say you are disrupting what they're doing and so even if it's illegal, you're not being productive, let's say. The same thing happens in, let's say, a school. You're yelling at the teacher. You're not technically allowed to yell at the teacher. The teacher can't punch you in the face because he or she has to be better... You tricked me. You fucking tricked me. I was with you. It's like, why would you yell to make crack ass cracker? And then it turns out you fucking made sense. God damn it. Yeah, you can't punch them in the face. The teacher might be getting very impatient. He or she might throw you to the principal. There are things in place that she is allowed to do to move this to the next... to make the rest of the class feel comfortable to move along for his lesson or whatever it is. But they're not allowed to punch you. They're not allowed to kill you. And just because you're ego and your training is terrible and runs your life, your ego, that does not mean that you get to shoot people. This person is dead because you can't handle somebody saying, hey, motherfucker, I don't care. People say, hey, motherfucker, to me all the time. I can't just go around shooting people. They yell, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. They don't say, hey, motherfucker. They say, hey, pretty, pretty. Sure. That's my thing. I was at Pick-A-Bagel on 77th and Lexington. Great segue. And there were two New York City cops sitting, eating a bagel, having coffee. It was three in the morning and one of... Oh, I'm sorry. We can't eat donuts. Now we have to eat bagels. They're New York cops. Oh, you know us. We love cream cheese. And one of the cops was saying, mother F this, mother F that, cursing like a person. Like a hemda. Like us, this whole show, yes. And I was holding my tongue because I wanted to say, hey, hey, hey, hey. Watch your F in language, copper. And I was thinking, here I am, this white guy. The worst that's going to happen to me is I'm going to get raped in Rikers Island by 50 guys. And what a story. I'm so good. My best comedy comes out of the worst stuff. That's going to be okay. Yeah. And I could walk off 50 guys the next day. Anyway, and my shrink said to me, you know, that would have been interesting. That would have been interesting if you told those cops to watch their language. I wouldn't recommend it. There's something seriously wrong with you for thinking that. It would be, it would also be interesting if you punched the cop in the stomach, like the bread basket. Of course it's interesting. Listen, there's nothing seriously wrong with you. You, you want to do the right thing. No, no, no. It's not the right thing. It has nothing to do with you. No, no. It's working out anger issues and it's, it's kind of gambling. I don't want to, I don't want to go to Vegas and gamble because I'm too cheap. But you want that rush. I want the rush. And I figure, I already paid my taxes. Why don't I gamble with my life by provoking cops? I would like to be clear that on, because right now some of you might be listening, going, where's the anger coming from? On Keith and the Girl, we talked to David and I know where it's coming from. I don't want to put them in a bad place right now. But just so you know, I hear what you're thinking. Of course I'm angry. By the way, we're talking with Keith and the girl and the show Keith and the girl is phenomenal. And everybody should go online to theultimatepodcastingguide.com. You guys, I'm not gonna. We invented it! You what? We invented it. We invented it. You invented podcast. I don't like to say it. Well, how? He only likes to scream it. You started podcasting in 2000. We did the first show. The technology was already out there, but yes. And have I done this joke yet? I consider you the founding fathers of podcasting because you believe women shouldn't be allowed to vote and black people should be in slave labor camps. You know what? No, but the delivery is awesome. Have I done this joke? That's right. You really committed there. I did that for Jimmy Pardo. Five years ago. I said, Jimmy, you're the founding father of podcasting because... I really like Jimmy Pardo, by the way. Yeah, we beat him by six months. I mean, who the fuck knows? And by the way, when... It's not even a thing. Why does he keep saying that he was the first one now? He does not. It is kind of weird. When I introduce Keith and the girl and say, which one of you is Keith and which one of you is the girl? Why, which one do you like better? By the way, you... Am I the first person who ever did that? No. You're patient zero. Gutein Degas. The airline steward. Patient zero was Gutein Degas. Thank you. Are we talking about AIDS? Can you hold your thought for one second? It's gone. Believe me. To me, Gutein Degas, he was patient zero. And nobody knows who he is. The guy that fucked a monkey? He spread AIDS. He was the one who got AIDS off the ground. The airline stewardess. I don't say these assholes' names. Like when you shoot up a theater, I don't say the names. I don't say the guy that gave us AIDS names. The Reese's monkey, I'll say his name. He doesn't get the credits. It's not his fault. Instead of saying patient zero, say Gutein Degas because he was the man who brought it to America. I don't like him. Well, whether or not you like him, he deserves the credit. I do think that patient zero was a better punchline, but I'll work on it. I just think if somebody does... I do, me and my wife, when we go to bed, we talk about the best things of our day, what do we worry, how do we respect each other and love each other. Really? Yeah. You could tell by the no sleeves he's wearing. I want to, you know, and then now I'm going to add this and go like, oh, by the way, patient zero, Gutein Degas. Gutein Degas. Gutein Degas. Yeah. Get it out there. Yeah, I'm with you. Yes! You got to fucking respect a person. David... Farnsworth doesn't get the credit. For television. They always give it to David Sarnoff. You know, Keith and the girl, they should get the credit for podcasting. Yes, that's right. You don't get... So you wrote a book called The Ultimate Podcasting Guide. There are video tutorials. Yes. Which I obviously haven't watched, judging by the quality of my podcast. Actually, you mentioned Pardo. We interviewed him for the guide. We interviewed a few of the top podcasters just to see, like, what they got out of it and how they went about it, because The Ultimate Podcasting Guide is the guide to how to start a podcast, but also how to grow it and monetize it. So you have every level in there. Let me ask you this, Alex. You have a nice... This is a nice apartment. Nice... Is it an apartment? It's beautiful. It's a studio. And your sound sounds good. Because I did the movie podcast here also. Does it bother you when he says, like, oh, our sound, this and that? It's like, motherfucker, it's amazing what I got going. I'm at the computer. I'm at the fucking mixer. I got the mics. You're scaring Alex. You're scaring him. It's never good enough. It's never good enough. I'm with you. It's never good enough for him. For him or you? For him. Oh, no. I think just so you know, Alex, I think that it's a comic thing. Keith is here just to start shit. I think it's a comic thing. It's like, I'm the worst. I'm always the worst. Everything's the worst. So I just want you to know your setup is fine. You got a nice fucking setup. I threw you into the bus there, dude. No, it's never enough for me. Now, here's the thing. Jimmy Dore, who we have to have back on the show if I ever make up with him. Take a note. Jimmy Dore. What did you do wrong? He used to be my best friend, and now we're not talking. What happened? My... He didn't pay you. He didn't let him finish a sentence, Keith. Oh, you tell me. Why doesn't he didn't pay me? He wrote him a joke and he used it, and he didn't give you credit. No. Well, then tell me. By the way, I always... The only way you can piss me off is I give you a joke and you don't use it. I don't... We just fight there's jealousy. You've explained it. Okay, so Jimmy was saying that... Fuck you! That he's gotten everything he wants and he's still not happy. That he got a special in Comedy Central. He has a radio show and a podcast. And he's still not happy. And I say... You need to be worth the hundred million dollars for the I'm still not happy sob story. But the thing is, is when you're an artist, you can be on this great platform, but unless you're someone like Louis C.K., if you disappear, your money disappears just as fast. You have no 401K, so I feel like we always think that it's not enough because it's still somehow paycheck to paycheck or it feels that way no matter what. Now, Alex Brazell from Brazell Studio, showbrizz Studios, has actually gotten us some sponsors. And he said, you know, which is nice. Of course. It's money. It's money. And I said, well, you know, that's good, but let's keep getting more sponsors and he says, it's never enough for you. The line is always moving. The line is always moving. Hey, Alex, do you know how to turn on the microphone? These don't work. This is the monkey I'm trusting with my career. The guy runs an entire studio and he doesn't know how mics work. Mr. Feldman, when did you realize that showbrizz Studios really wasn't going to be the boon to your career? I think when Alex Brazell didn't know how to turn on a microphone. I think that might have been the giveaway. It was such a fun time, though. Yeah, it was fun, but I can't believe I laugh like, ha ha. I'm like, ha ha. Right? Like, I got hurt earlier today. Oh, look, it's about Keith again. Yes, Keith. How do you laugh? And I really, I hurt myself and I go, ouch. Me too. I hate when I do that. Why do we do that? We're so stereotypical. Back to me. I want to ask you about marital rape. Ha ha ha! Yeah, me and Meryl. Ha ha ha. Does that exist? Well, Donald Trump. The smartest man we know. Do you want him to be president? Well, it's not fair because I hate America, so it's a fair question. You'll get to yell at cops. I do. I want Britney Spears as president. I want anything exciting president. I want a puppet, a literal puppet. Yeah, I want an air of corn. I hated Trump before you were born. Right. Ha ha ha. That's your credit. I hated Trump in the 80s when Sidney Schoenberg from the New York Times who wrote The Killing Fields and covered Cambodia was writing these brilliant pieces. That's the word I was looking for. You were ahead of your time. Go back and read Sidney Schoenberg from the early 80s about what Trump was doing with rent control buildings and destroying lives. I hated that guy before Marlon Naples. But now I kind of love him because everybody hates him. And I know how... That could be me. Not that successful but that hated. I can see myself universally despised that way. Will Trump be in the debate? Will he make it that far? It's next week? Yeah, he's going to be in the debate. Absolutely. He's the front runner. We all thought this was fake. Is this real? This time? I didn't know that his own party would let him in. I'm not kidding. It is as real as his hair is fake. Okay. It's real here but it's been added. Do the math. There you go. He grew up Catholic. He doesn't know what this is. Yeah, he is going to go all... Do you think he'll go all the way? Or try to, I mean, obviously. David Feldman. I've said this before on the show. I wish I was black. I wish I were black. No, I've said this. I remember my father saying relax. Ronald Reagan is never going to get elected president. This country will never do anything as insane as elect Ronald Reagan. Calm down. Jimmy Carter is going to get re-elected. Do not worry. If Reagan becomes president the country will be over. I think a lot of people said that about the second time around for Bush. Yeah. That's pretty scary and I just should have break. People thought there wasn't going to be another mission impossible. I just saw it. I mean, they call it mission impossible. Oh, they'd love to do that, by the way. There's no fucking way we can do this mission. It's impossible. Like, is it? They don't say is it, but they give that wink. Tom Cruise smile. Is it? Here's a mission that's impossible for you, Tom. I don't want to get sued by the Scientology. You think they're going to sue you is what you think? No, now's a good time. Well, that's the point of what we're talking about. Now it's okay, because of that great documentary, to shit on Scientology. Going clear. Oh, it's so fucking good. It's so good. It's so good. Hey, how do you feel about it? I enjoy it. You know, hey, it's religion. It's all bullshit. Who gives a fuck? But that's okay. They're criminal. They're criminal. I think, but all religion is criminal. No. Fuck you for saying that. Watch this show. You'll just say that. You watch it, then you have an opinion on the David Feldman show. Sorry, David. Well, the takeaway from I think it was Alex Gibney who made the documentary going clear about Scientology is that there are only 50,000 Scientologists worldwide. That doesn't matter. You stop them at one. There's only one Bill Cosby. I'm not pleased. Tell me when there's four. I'll give a fuck. No, I don't like this one. But the 1% is what's controlling all of us. So if 1% could do it, 50,000 could do a lot. 50,000 is a huge number. Right. Imagine playing to 50,000 people. I think you can bring back that joke with the $5.00 No, what I'm saying is no, I think that is evidence that Scientology is a money-making racket because it's about their investments. It's really not about the religion. Although I do think if you were to put David Misciage is that his name? Miscovitz, right? Miscarriage? David Miscarriage. David Miscarriage. Alex, the producer's like I give up. It's Miscarriage. Listen, my the site for the David Feldman show does your site shut down? My younger brother is in charge of our site he has alerts going to his phone if it shuts down for even a second. I have a problem. Alex. I got shut down. What's the matter? What? You're grimacing. He's saying he's sorry that your site got shut down. This is working out perfectly. Oh. By the way I'm also recording this so if anything gets edited I'll tell you. If you want to see something that is truly amazing this will blow you away because I love Jerry Lewis. I don't like his movies I don't think he's particularly funny though there is a window in the 50s where he's kind of brilliant. He'd be happy to hear you say that. With that said, also I hate him but I'll tell you what I like. When he was on the Percodan and the Percocet and Paranoid and working on the day of the clown cried he went on Did you see that by the way? I've never seen that. Nobody's seen it. Even Jerry Lewis hasn't seen that. But isn't it that? You can't see it. It's Jerry Lewis makes a movie about the Holocaust and he's a clown it sounds to me like it's like Robin Williams movie, where's the clown? Patch Adams It sounds like it's Patch Adams in the Holocaust That's what it is. He shelved it and hid it Do you know about this movie? I didn't know that I've heard of the movie but I didn't know that was the background. There was a time you'll like this Alex You guys are coming back together There was a time this was in 1995 I was at the Montreal Comedy Festival and Louis C.K. and Patton Oswald looked up to me They thought I was going places and Louis and I wanted to make a movie about Patton This is when nobody knew who Patton was Patton used to have collections of videos before YouTube you want to go to Patton's house because he would show you all these great videos and Louis and I it was going to be a pick-a-resk movie of Patton driving across country trying to see a screening of the day of the clown cried This is when Louis and Patton looked up to me It's not too late They have a good sense of humor This is a pitch we're talking about Are you on alert? I have black lung disease from eating their dust Is that how you're black? Yes, my lungs are black from inhaling Louis's dust and Patton's dust I bet he didn't change his number Try to text him now David, you mentioned more than once how my career is over I'm a piece of shit Do you believe it? No When did that happen? When I started Does anybody know you, David? Yes I don't want to get too personal The reason I mentioned Jerry Louis and people should I'll post this on our website if ISIS doesn't shut us down again That's why I don't want to go after Scientology I also know your website and when he says hey, check out this video, that video he's not lying Those videos are right there follow up to the show By the way, can I say this? Even if you already did at the start of the show when I was in here that is you get everything You get everything We just started doing premium content You guys are amazing You know what, this morning I spent, I'm not kidding you $5 on a cup of coffee Coffee I think I stepped over a homeless man to get it She just takes a sip and lasts the whole month The point is You're the best guest I've ever had Really? Seriously? I have to say we have been pushing the automatic subscribers on the show because we take all major credit cards Nothing makes me happier than an alert You have a new automatic subscriber who's downloading You should see a space right now for $5 to get this space Every time somebody pays you $5 You should send them a picture of your face right now It's like the after picture of those Smile Train ads in Mother Jones Even if it was before, it's so special It would be a picture of seeing David smile You know how he does that face It's diagonal It's my face I hope I'm not shit about anything Wait, which one of you is talking? No, it's me I was like his face Then you get a smiley Oh, it's my blog For $5? What did you spend $5 on yesterday? Not even a movie Sick The world is ridiculous I spent $5 times $6 to get here Oh, you took a cab? I get confused I always think a cab gets me there faster and it never dies No, he lives in Astoria I want to be on time How much was the cab from Astoria? Yeah, that's dumb So Jerry Lewis Jerry Lewis Oh Jesus Height of his paranoia Percocet Everything He's doing an interview on the David Susskind show I'll put it on the website But Google, YouTube Jerry Lewis Just go to the website Go to the website Keith and the girl We're gonna have the video I actually talked to Jerry Lewis about the movie and it's playing behind us as we talk Go to Keith and the girl You bastards You won this round, Keith and the girl Jerry Lewis is chain-smoking his cigarette He's being interviewed by David Susskind Before the interview starts Jerry Lewis, I swear to you whips out a reel-to-reel tape recorder Just so you know I'm taping this as well So I can prove that you took things out of context in case you do take things out of context I don't blame him The paranoia was so beautiful It was just marital rape Let's talk about marital rape Wasn't he famous when not a lot of people were famous So the paranoia makes sense because you're the only one who's being followed One of the few Now everyone's famous for no good reason You could put your stuff on everywhere but I feel like I would be paranoid also King comedy is so good because I believe this Jerry Lewis character is a real fucking character and he was famous at the time I'm sorry, you wanted to talk about marital rape We keep bringing it back to Well, Donald Trump He said there's no such thing as marital rape He says there's no such thing His lawyer said you know what I don't want to be responsible for this shit and I certainly don't want to get in trouble for stuff my lawyer says This is unfair I know he's very well and that's his sarcasm voice Yes, for God's sake So you're saying Trump apparently Trump had said and his lawyer said that the laws are very lenient when it comes to marital rape Up until just a couple of decades ago you couldn't even call the cops on your husband when he was beating you the cops would literally come to your house and say that's your problem because you guys got married there's no such thing as sending your husband to jail for doing bad things to you literally you can't now for worse it's not going to get worse so it's fine but he thinks there's no marital rape because he actually raped his wife Do you think that because his lawyer you think he raped his wife he pulled her hair Ivanka's hair he pulled it so hard he ripped it up her face was pulled back as well that was a face it is funny like the way I laugh mwah that was genuine I do think that he I think he raped her I do think that taking it back two years later is so fucking weird it doesn't make sense she took it back and she said now I meant he was different than he normally was I just said that in the divorce proceedings it's so that doesn't even make sense to me so yeah something bad happened so he's a Mexican seriously he's Mexican you're black he says all Mexicans are rapists and he's like I could prove it to you in a second but I can't incriminate myself I honestly don't think he knows what rape is and I do think that he doesn't think that he is capable of raping a woman when he's married to her because he legitimately doesn't think that that could happen I think that he's a monster and why would we not believe that he's raping people look at the rest of the stuff that's coming out of his face it's not I understand that sometimes weird shit can come out of your face and you don't even believe it and you have to apologize for it because even at the time of you saying it it sounded strange but there's nothing good that comes out of his face so for him to rape a person we're not like no it doesn't what are we going to discover about Trump that ends it because so far whatever the worst this is the worst do you think like he really doesn't want to run and people keep loving the shit he says the dumb shit and he's like how do I get the fuck out of this I think he doesn't understand the difference between running a country and running the apprentice I agree I think Bernie Sanders is running knowing that he's not going to get elected don't you think he has a chance no and I thought Donald Trump started running for the same reason that he was just going to sell the book whatever whatever and it really is a movie script because what happens when he wins Iowa New Hampshire you just who knows if he will he does a rally he pays for the people to show up and then another example I lost yeah but what about the fact that then he could pay for poll results like isn't that sort of how Bush won the second time it becomes dangerous when you see things actually manifesting and you know we all think it's a joke until like well now he's in the debates and then the week after that he's going to what the polls are going to go up more and he's I think we have to no longer look at them we have to look at us what the hell are we doing right he ended up saying my second point was he ended up saying you know John McCain he's not a war hero because he was captured which in all fairness I'd rather my military wasn't captured but okay so then he puts together veterans for Trump magazines look into it they call some of these veterans on this list oh yeah he basically published a list of people of veterans who support him right all the veterans go I don't know I don't I didn't know I was on the list but the fuck I have no idea yeah so everything pushes him further because we don't know because I think a lot of people get the first member but not the second they get that the veterans like but they don't get the retraction and I think he knows that and he knows how to work the system like that and that's what makes me I don't think he'll win Iowa there I said it on a visceral level and I want to apologize he loves apologies before I tell you how I felt not how I thought but how I felt I want to apologize apparently he took a deposition and a woman said I have to breastfeed my baby right and he screamed you're disgusting you're a pig in all fairness you know I'm not even joking you're at a fucking deposition I know as a man any guy who doesn't admit to an iota of misogyny is gay you know you have to have just a little tiny bit of just a tiny bit of resentment towards women because they have something that I need a break but you can breastfeed a man at any time what do you have to do during a deposition no you can't because otherwise then they would and be alright good point well who knows I wanted to show you my titty so bad look at what it could do a baby is making milk coming out of it and you're what sitting there I'm disgusting look at this kid he's sucking on my tit what else do you want me to do pull a rabbit out of it how you've seen that breast milk is coming out if you shut the fuck up you might be able to taste it god if you're going to be misogynistic at least enjoy yourself Jesus you do it so wrong do you know I didn't even think that like all your tits out I just thought I'm a woman I have to do this woman thing now no we're doing a deposition you have to take your kid to the bathroom you literally have to take your kid to the bathroom you have to give your kid milk when it's time to give milk when it's time to give milk you know why people have kids and go I'm really as tough as they were I mean they warned me but I was I'm still surprised it's so surprising because you don't get it the kid wants milk it's not up to you anymore that little shit is going to cry and by the way after it takes your tit out it's going to shit and then you're going to be like I'm sorry I tried to schedule the shit around this porn cast but I didn't change my baby or do you have another misogynistic thought oh you're embarrassed by it it's much better I'm going to go live my life and try to thanks guys why can't you do it some other time you guys have a good point even though she's a hundred percent right with that said with full respect let's rape her I'm not saying that okay let's marital rape her it doesn't exist you are a hundred percent right but Keith and I we have lizard brains that we're so stupid we can't even I gotta tell this joke yes tell the joke I had this visceral lizard brain reaction to Donald Trump saying that I she was a lousy lawyer and I won that's what he tweeted she's a loser she's an idiot loser this brain thing I have to watch everything I say and there's this little you do a good job you gotta listen to your show buddy holy fuck way to watch it do you watch your calories the same way cause you look in shape wow there was this little part of me this is what we're going to do we are going to wrap the show up and then do some premium content that's gonna stick around I was only here for the premium content I'm gonna pay for this premium content that I'm about to do in fact I will turn off my recorder so that I have to pay for it well you know what it's like to have to pay for everything things cost money things cost money sorry first of all let me thank everybody who is not gonna thank us for the premium content I want to plug your gigs and your road tour and thank you let me just say to our listeners that for only $5 this is the problem I never thought I could do this like ask for money it's weird at first here's what you gotta tell yourself and it's the truth your listeners that want to help you want to help you like when we even put on the and then people go oh you want money it's like you weren't gonna give us money you just think they want to help you what he's saying is the people who weren't gonna get the premium content weren't gonna get the premium content the people who are getting it are happy to do it they're glad that it's there Alex said to me I'm getting you sponsors Alex Brazil and at first I said well you know I I don't know if I can read ads and the more ads I read the better I am at it and the more I enjoy it and the conclusion I have is that I think I'd start sucking cock before I went to prison what's he saying what I'm saying is what I'm saying is I resisted asking for donations I resisted reading ads I got used to it and I think that my big fear is going to prison not seeing all your options I could have sucked dick and not been in here I'm thinking that it's all part of your $5 premium that's why I will suck your dick and he sucks your dick virtually I think the dick suck and happens in jail it doesn't happen like can I suck dick and get out of jail he's saying if he could know that he can suck dick before he went to jail give him a heads up Alex I think what I was trying to say was if you want to donate to the show or help the show with a premium content something about sucking dick no this is what I was saying it's something that I thought can you imagine what the premium content is if this is fucking regular holy shit what I was saying let me just clarify this I do not want to suck a guy's dick in prison in the same way I didn't want to ask why are you wearing that nobody wants to I think I can get used to something I do not want to suck a dick I think that reading an advertisement for a company I think at first I didn't want to do it I would be the president of it now I follow okay Alex we lose all our sponsors okay okay so if you would like to listen to premium it's $5 $2.50 but why even do that go $5 a month and then you get all our premium content for free let me thank Keith and the girl Keithandthegirl.com you have a road tour coming up I believe in the fall yes Keithandthegirl.com in fact today we just solidified San Francisco we're really excited to be there we're going to be at the comedy store in LA that's amazing it's going to be our first time on that stage so that was killer people like this place like Alex just said wow fuck yeah it is the world famous comedy store and you have a bus and the Keith and the girl fans can come and just come on the bus with us all of them you meet your community so thank you all for listening go to Keithandthegirl.com go to the ultimate podcasting guide dot com for a brilliant book that Alex Brazil has read four times we're proud of it if you want to learn how to start your own podcast and if you haven't yet what's wrong with you this is that's the place to go thank you for listening that'll do it for us and we'll be back with premium content after this thanks for listening three minutes of premium content awaiting you over davidfeldmanshow.com more with Keith and the girl for only two dollars and fifty cents we accept all major credit cards you can get the premium content for free by becoming a monthly subscriber for as little as five dollars a month please go to David Feldman show hit the donate button and become a monthly subscriber for as little as five dollars a month you can gain access to all our premium content for free lots of treats coming your way at the end of the summer lots of treats coming your way we accept all major credit cards another important way to support this show is by going to 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