 I might have to restart this. I just dumped a whole cup of coffee on the ground. Anybody want to come and chit chat with me so I can say hi? Let you know what my plans are besides the fact that I have coffee all over me and all over the floor. Hi Esther. Hi Karen. I'm sitting here in a mess and I hit go before I cleaned up the mess. So if I seem like I'm sitting in a sticky situation, I'm literally sticking. I just accidentally this was sitting on this tray. I moved the tray forgetting it was there because I haven't been I haven't drank coffee since I've seen you guys last and it's all over the place. But I also have my water. Do you have your water? And it's not filled. I just was not prepared this morning. But I woke up. I was like I want to get on and say hi to any of the swells that are here. Give a brief synopsis of where I've been. What I've been doing going forward. What I'm gonna be doing. What my plans are. I literally just like got out of bed you guys hear it is only 6 o'clock. So I didn't bother doing anything with anything except I just threw a brush through. I'm well Esther. I'm a lot better. How are you? It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon there. So you've already probably I've been walking and everything, right? There was something I wanted to comment to you on and since I did just wake up, I'm not there, but I believe somebody close to you passed away. And if that's I want to be correct in my you know, whatever it is that I say but I remember reading something and literally doing this in this. I wish I could remember exactly what it was. But I guarantee you when I wake up it'll come to me because I'm pretty good that way. Karen, it's 9 o'clock there. Your sister. I'm so sorry about your sister. I'm so sorry for you and I literally remember just scrolling because I scroll real fast because I'm doing a hundred million things and just going oh I'm so sorry my friend. Good morning Janet. It's great to see you too. I'm hoping that hoping to the folks. Look at I got two thumbs up. I've been been here in a really super duper long time. Good morning Laurie. Do you guys have your water? Because where you live you've had time to at least have had one whole one of these Esther's had time to have all of hers. Like I said, I spilled my coffee. I'm just rambling for a minute till we can see if we get like maybe 10 people in here save 10 of the How's everybody doing? I want to know how you guys are doing Let's see I last time was on here I did feel you guys in that Oliver has moved in with his dad That took a bigger toll on me than I ever imagined. I literally went into mourning He's all seven miles away. Good morning Charlene. Good morning So on top of that and We'll talk about weight and we'll talk about mental everything, but I'm good you guys. I'm good this morning I've been dying to get on here and talk to you, but my iPad is broken. I was sitting here our couch is a recliner and I was sitting here one night now is on my iPad and I sat it down And I went to bed and I got up the next day and I couldn't find my iPad I was like all day long. I couldn't find my iPad So Steve came home and he took the couch apart Well, my iPad it slid down into the reclining part and it's all broken. So we need to tread softly I don't want the whole screen falling apart while we're chatting. I've been dying to get on here and and say hello So it's working Janet says my granddaughter went back with your mom on a trial basis. It's very bittersweet. It's hard, isn't it? It's very hard and I can't talk about it too much. The thing Janet with me is that Be careful what you wish for you know what I mean It's like I've been saying to you guys and I've been saying to Steve When do we get out of time? We're raising this little boy and now he's gone and it's like where's my boy? You know and to admit to you know to add insult to injury and I'm not complaining this I'm just filling you guys in on the on the as the Johnson's grow He's at that age Where he won't text me he won't answer my calls. He doesn't want to hang out with me He doesn't want to go to breakfast. He doesn't want to go to lunch. He doesn't want to do anything with me and I Was taking it really personally for a really long time and then everybody's like Nita. He's at that Crap-tastic age where He may not like you for a couple of years and it's not that he doesn't like you. He's just feeling his oats He's at the he's very hormonal He's almost got a mustache his face is very acne prone He's grown a ton so his hormones are in gear and hanging out with his grandmother isn't the first thing on the list to do But it's been hard. It's been super hard Janet I hope everything works out though He's happy. He lives with his dad and I'm now I'm repeating myself, but somebody may not have been here Yeah, you know what so it's so weird He has his own bedroom over there We had him over and we were going through this thing where we go to dinner every Friday night He would spend the night and then he was complaining about his bedroom We didn't like his bedroom hair his cluster foe book. He couldn't sleep. I'm like, what are you talking about? That's been your bedroom for Six years, you know, I don't know. It's very very complex But he got his classes he's gonna start junior high on the 12th This is the part that I'm really blown away by I'm extremely proud in His in his distance learning he did excellent. Good morning, Denise. It's been a long time. I'm here to catch up I'm just babbling for a minute In all his new classes, he's in honor classes now when he did the distance learning his grades were great it Sands math math he needs. I think he needs a tutor math. I don't know. We'll see what happens Yeah, he's in honors And he's gonna be in junior high and it's I'm scared, but we're not gonna have that Wanted to come on see how and what everybody is doing as far as their weight loss. Are you not doing it anymore? You're doing the same thing you've switched from this to that I'm curious to know and I'm here to tell you What happened to me which most of you know because I've already shared it. It just escalated Again, I Preface what I'm gonna tell you that right now. I'm feeling great because a week ago. Maybe a little bit more I Put a plan into motion Hanging in there Esther Hanging there my friend. You have a lot of people that love you and we're all here and we're all thinking about you And we all have you in our hearts Okay, Denise. Okay, so This is something that I've been debating if I you know cuz cuz I'm an open book. I tell you guys like everything good good good and I've been going back and forth in my head because I have a lot to time to think Today, do I tell them everything? Do I just tell them partially like this is what I'm gonna do I gained some weight which I mean you guys can see me It's not like a you know a pole in the wool over your eyes I During the pandemic and since we've gone to into healing. I am over 200 pounds. I Way more okay, wait in this morning and I still weigh more now than I did when I started Weight Watchers four years ago. I just mentally physically Everything shut down from everything that was going on. I just didn't care And I know I'm not alone and that's why I'm putting it out there and telling you guys Because somebody else somebody's gonna see this at some point whether it be live whether it be playback And they'll do one of two things. They'll either judge me and go Wow Which I can give two shits or they'll go oh my gosh. I'm not the only one. I'm not the only one Thank you Esther and and I appreciate that so much But you know what thing is and I have to have to say this is I need to care about me And I haven't been caring about me for a very very long time. I just haven't cared. I literally I'm getting I'm back in motion. I've made a plan Charlene, you know, I don't know your stats The lowest I got on WW it was I was at 160. Okay, this is this is something else I'm gonna be bouncing around but here's something I want to tell somebody who may not be listening Thank you Lord this I appreciate that. Thank you. I Want somebody to hear this because it's super important. I'm not gonna look at the comments for a moment If you are feeling good and you are feeling comfortable and you look in the mirror And you like what you see and you put your clothes on and you like how you feel and you go out in public And you're trucking around the market where we are whatever you're doing and and You're okay with yourself Hey, I'm cool, you know I'm not so bad WW or What else the keto peoples or the Jenny Craig peoples or the diet peoples are these people's that they mean they tell me that I need to lose 10 20 15 more pounds Dang because I feel really good right now Stay comfortable Stay comfortable nose rub Sorry That's where I blew it. That's where I started losing control with a pandemic it I was at a place you guys were I was so happy. I loved the way I looked. I loved myself I loved being around people whoops hang on. Oh, we don't want the world to burn shit. Hold on you guys my iPad is not Shoot have a great day Lord this and thank you for your kind words Thank you so much You know what the problem is kids is with my iPad being broken the touchscreen It's not allowing me to do everything I want to do and none of my moderators are here this early because I didn't tell Me, but I was gonna be here Shoot Janet Are you still here or did you split or are you gonna split soon? Anyways, that's one of my main messages if you know what do what feels good for you if I had I just stayed Where I was Anita I thought I was the bomb calm and didn't worry about getting what they told me I had Okay Denise I'm trying to see I Want to see if if I okay, hold on a minute. It won't let me tap and make you a mod my screen isn't working, okay? If you're happy where you are and they're telling you you need to lose another 10 15 pounds I need you guys to keep something in mind. They are a business And if you're not sitting in their green chair, I love I'm still by the way. I am a weight watcher I'm a green weight watcher. I will always be green weight watcher. I love the program. I will always do it. I Am just saying that they I have spoken to so many men and women who What they tell them where they need to be is way further than a lot of us need to be or want to be Denise I don't know what what's deleted darlin. I don't know I wish if I had one wish I've had a lot of wishes I would love to go back to when I was 165 and Rethink and recalculate everything as far as I gotta get lower WWE says I need to get lower. Okay. I'm just gonna keep doing this instead of just staying where I was good Like everybody else the big P. I'm not gonna say the P word or the E word Or the V word what's not using me those words because then they'll bury my Video Sent me into a little tizzy and then with all of her moving and then again. I just didn't care. Well, I care again I'm feeling better I've come to the point where I've realized that I cannot It's no secret that I enjoy having a glass of wine or 20 or a glass of vodka and sparkling ice or 20 and During the pandemic and then you know after the pandemic during the pandemic was like, well, who cares, right? I'm just I'm just gonna do it and I know I'm not alone. I've been reading a lot of articles were Especially women Have really they really let it take over their lives mine didn't take over my life, but it It's stalled me from being able to lose weight. I have never stopped tracking I always have the right foods, but as long as I have any alcohol at all, I'm not gonna lose any weight Okay, so I've stopped having any alcohol at all this morning Steve rolled over and he said it's Friday We're gonna go out to dinner tonight and I wanted to just punch him in the face Brenda Thank you for putting that out there Brenda, thank you for putting that out there because somebody else is gonna read it I read it and now I don't feel so all alone because I put on 50 pounds Denise says thing I learned from last year is it's very important to enjoy every day We have on this earth also accept yourself for who you are and love yourself And yeah, maybe you have to take care of you try not to listen to all the chatter Just keep going if there is one thing I've learned, okay Denise that's the problem is I didn't care about myself And I'm working on getting back to that place I'm working on getting back to the spot where I feel like I'm worthy of something You know having all over a split kind of set me back a little bit because I didn't it's like I still hear him in the other Room I think he's calling me. Do I need to do something for him? Shouldn't I be getting his food? Shouldn't I be getting his clothes? So that made me feel kind of like well What's what's my existence here for all of us gone? What what do I do now, you know, oh and for those of you who aren't raising a grandchild or haven't I Don't expect you to understand But it's just like my whole existence and what I felt was my purpose is no longer And Denise you're you're you're right and that's what I would tell you if you were telling me what I'm telling you now Doing it saying it and doing it are two completely different things When you just I mean when you're just sleeping and that's all I do sleep It's like I'll get up and I'll do the dishes and I'll vacuum and I'll spill coffee all over the place and then I can't see And I'll be like hmm normally and I'd go back to bed well I've changed that a week ago. I'm on the green plan as of this morning I lost point eight this week, which I'm disappointed in but I think next week is When I have to just be patient I Know that there's gonna be a week where it kicks in where I'm not gonna have any alcohol in my system I'm not gonna have the weight gain from the alcohol. I love alcohol. I don't know what to tell you guys. It's just You know and it's just So That's that and no wine not just one little good lot of people are like we'll need to just have Have a glass with some set or some Sparkling water whatever I can't With me. It's just like white watchers. It's like anything with me. It's all or nothing and For these last months. It's been nothing across the board But we're gonna get back into it now. I mean even drinking coffee again. What the heck is going on there? Oh Denise you know what I just got Oh The darn chip tooth so I just wanted to come back and slowly You know If I can the groove of coming back on YouTube because you know what you guys this is what brought me the most joy I loved waking up every morning turning you guys on Getting all my stuff making sure you had your water making sure I had everything and just chatting with these swales this week People brought food to me. I'm glad that I'm eating my own food again. I love salads. I drink the Heineken 35 See Esther, you're so lucky that you're able to do that because I can't drink I don't drink beer, but let's say your Heineken was my vodka and sparkling water I can't drink a vodka and sparkling water. I have to drink. I can't it's all or nothing I'm you know, I wish I liked salads. I just don't like salads. Hello Becky. Good to see you. Thank you. I'm good. I'm better Excuse me. Oh I got a boot in my arm Yeah, it's just you know It's like, okay, here's the thing I say that a lot don't I here's the thing my sister says it, too a lot of Www content and just diet culture content and People talk about Their addiction to food which is why they have gained weight, right? Hey, they like food. I don't love food food is like it drives Steve crazy because he's like what do you want for dinner? And I'm like, I don't care. I just really don't care. I Like alcohol and that's what makes me gain weight. So I just can't drink it I stopped drinking before the pandemic Then pandemic hit and what I had made every excuse in the world, right? So now that we're back to normal and I'm vaccinated and things I know if we and we're not gonna talk about that just because of Them burying my video But I just can wanted to come on say hi let you guys know that I miss you let you know that I love you If anybody's struggling as much as me You're not alone. I'm gonna go to a meeting at 8 o'clock today. It's only 6 30 my normal meeting is Friday at 8 o'clock I've been in touch with my leader through the whole pandemic and I keep telling her I don't want to come because I'm too embarrassed everybody's gonna see me and Then I got to thinking well if somebody else from my meeting like me gained a whole ton of weight walked in When I feel sympathy or an empathy and like oh man that stinks I know how she or he feels or whatever you're going No, because those of us who go through it understand it better than those that don't right I'm alright as Lou would say we're as Lou. I haven't seen her in so long. I haven't seen so many of you guys in so long Thank you, Denise It's good to see you too. It's good to see all you swells And other than that I'm trying to think if there's anything new or and or exciting and nothing I just got coffee all over my feet Bend to Disneyland twice and it's not my Disneyland yet We went on a great big. Oh, here we go. We went on a really beautiful vacation. We went up the coast We went to if anybody's familiar with California. We had one night in Pismo be Pismo Beach I'd get more obey and Pismo mixed up and then we spent two nights up at Cayucas and oh my gosh You guys it was just what the doctor ordered Our rooms were beautiful. They were right on the sand Steven I just kicked back and sat in our chairs and and breathed that That ocean air we had great weather, but let me tell you a little something else This is stuff that I'm putting out there because I want to hear myself say it I Want anybody who is slowly may slowly still be gaining to listen to my words But on your listening here is a judge Judy would say If you're slowly gaining right now I'm hoping that everybody's getting a grip now that we're getting Semi-normal and we're all gonna work on getting back down But if anybody because I still am excuse me my nose itches. I'm sorry If you're slowly gaining Put on the brakes man do whatever you have to do because it was like boom that fast So we went to a town that we've been to many times before and Let me tell you guys walking those antique shops walking the streets and we're on flat land There were no hills. There are no valleys Nada it was completely flat and it was painful and we had one one of our restaurants We love you have to go upstairs to upstairs get at one of our rooms was upstairs Those stairs hurt the holy hell out of my hips and I had to hold on to the banister and I was like How did I let myself get this far out of? What's that are you guys know what I'm saying? I couldn't believe how painful it was now normally we would go up and down Go up and down all those antique stores and I'd be going up and down the stairs and checking everything I had to stop and sit down in some of the stores I had to stop and sit down on some of the parts of the streets with the benches and It it made me feel horrible But it also was very eye-opening it was like I didn't realize how bad I'd gotten Since I'm at home digging another hole in a new couch for those who remember the hole in the old couch How much I need to move it was very eye-opening even to Steve and God love him You know, he knows that better, but he knows what to say and what not to say and I Was just like gobsmacked at how out of shape I was So if anybody's watching this now or later and has the same issues now See here whoops this darn iPad Now Brenda you may be feeling the same way I am I don't know But we got to get it. I I Gotta get it. Oh my iPad is just I'm sorry you guys. It's It's gonna shut down on us Okay Becky says having a reunion with my subs this weekend. It's been a year and a half since we all been together Becky I'm so happy for you. Have a wonderful time. That's fantastic That's fantastic for everybody who's seeing their loved ones and stuff again That's great. We really we don't have anybody we haven't seen I Mean we my son who's in Oregon But that's because he's in Oregon. We do see my daughter and then Casey and Oliver, but that's what fun. It will be active Yeah, and let me glory five pounds You don't feel that five pounds and then you get to ten and then you know cuz I Well, where'd you come from lady? I had to buy a cane for Disneyland But then I left it here at home There's another thing getting around Disneyland. Holy cow. You guys So just a word of advice Janet the self-hatred is just mind-blowing. Isn't it? it's just mind-blowing at how we can talk to ourselves and how things we can say to ourselves and feel about ourselves and And then we have kind kind people like Denise and the others up here are you know Take care of yourself. Love yourself. If only it was that easy, right? It won't let me send my messages. I am feeling miserably completely lost my mojo, but found self-hatred What won't let you send your messages? To me somewhere or to It's hard the self-hatred is the worst part because you get that self-hatred and then there's you got to dig out of that to try To get back to where we need to be to be on the program because you cannot do the program with self-hatred And the more self-hatred you have the further from the program you get. Oh good. Okay Janet You know what you and I need to get a Private message going because we have so much in common Uh, let's get a private message set up somewhere So when one of us is feeling how the other one knows that feeling we can talk Well, Lori, you know what? Let me tell you something my friend I got rid of all my big clothes when I lost all my weight And now I have to spend the money to buy the clothes it was you know, I don't know. It's it's not that easy for everybody. Um I don't know if you know if I don't know I don't know what to say to that because I had now I have to buy I have so many clothes Because I had to buy clothes that fit me um Me my I haven't been on here in months I just I was watched I've been watching a lot of youtube and I thought oh, I missed my pals I want to get on I want to talk to them and see how everybody's doing. Hello, Amy So I just and also my ipad's broken So my touch screen is it let me do what I need to do And then this morning I just I I'm having coffee and I'm feeling better because I have a plan in place So I thought I'll just jump on and see See what happens. Okay, Janet. We'll work that out Um, but lori, I know I keep coming back to you because You know what? I don't want anybody to have any false I don't know how to I don't know how to say this Well, I lost all my weight I wasn't gonna get it back Hell, no, I wasn't why would I gain my way back? I'm fantastic. Look at me. I lost 50 pounds I think that was the other time I lost 50 pound I don't need these big clothes. Let's get rid of them and get some cute new smaller clothes But I didn't know a pandemic was gonna hit, you know, I didn't know my grandson was gonna move out I didn't know I was gonna be in the depths of hell with depression um And self-hatred as Janet said you don't know what's in the future So I wish I hadn't given those clothes away because now I have to spend money That my husband's out making You get well, okay, then I just don't want anybody to think that You're not because I was that person who thought I'm never gonna put it back on. Hi Hannah Maybe your vibes were calling me in like dr. Bombay, huh? And lori, I hope you don't take any of this is like Well, listen to her spot offer shit, you know I never in a million years never in a million years thought that I would gain all my way back and then some And yet there I went And then I thought okay, so I thought when I put my plan into place the first thing I have to do is accept myself For being heavy that I'm still the same person inside. I'm still me my personality hasn't changed except for You know, I'm not quite as bubbly as it was when I lost weight We got to work on the self-love and You know, even though I have to put these huge clothes back on again As much as I hate it I can't start crying and crawl back into bed anymore. I just can't do it anymore I can imagine, you know what? Me my ester lost her sister too You guys I'm so sorry Thank you Brenda Brenda set or Becky said it's hard for me to get rid of my big clothes because I've never kept the weight off No sad faces. You'll get the weight off one of these days Baby steps hang in here with me. We'll get it off We'll do our best to keep it off until the next, you know We don't know what lies ahead some people handle things better than others. I apparently didn't handle things very well Also with my which I've spoken about many many many many times in the past Um with my depression and stuff When I get down I get really down Like there's it's like being at the bottom. It's like those dumb commercials, you know where the ladies are crawling out of the bit Oh god, darn it you guys. I'm sorry Okay, you know what it's breaking. I'm gonna get out of the screen and see if I can fix it You guys You guys I I Yeah, it's gone as far as it can go Lisa I saw you on there, but I didn't see what your comment was All right, you guys I can't see you My screen has 25 different things on it. So I have to split But if you can still hear me, I'm leaning over because on my screen my face is right here Come over to instagram and talk to me over there. Um Darling I can see your name. I can see your guys's names. Dang it You know what I'll do after I my meeting and stuff today. I'll go over to instagram and I'll go live over there Maybe we can all talk, okay Love you guys and I'm so glad that you came on and joined me and listened to me and We can do this I can do this And I hope you guys don't mind if I say I for a while because I need to uh I need to put myself up there. All right. I can't get this close. I have no choice though Let's see. Well, it won't it won't let me do it. All right kids. See you later. Love you all I bet it doesn't let me turn it off