 You're about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business for the next hour and 30 minutes This program will present in person such bright stars as Bob Burns Jimmy Durrani Billy Eckstein Celeste home Evelyn Knight Shector Cliff Hall Smith Ann Yale Meredith Wilson and my name darlings. It's a little bank head the national broadcasting company presents The big show The big show 90 minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of NBC's all-star festival And here is your hostess the glamorous unpredictable Tallulah Bank head Well darlings putting together this week's big show has been the most gossily experience It all started when I very Helpfully suggested that they were engaging too many singers for our program NBC could save a lot of money especially since they have me on the show to sing But it seems when they come for choosing the talent on this show. I have no voice. I Didn't mean that to sound exactly like that Now what I mean is after all I was on another show this past week as a singer and that was good, too I got 639 telephone votes. I Ran second only to one very talented young man who played home sweet home on his head with a mallet But that doesn't mean a thing to NBC they go out and how this this is a Billy X time I can sing better than she can I don't care who she is You can't a Lula. Oh, are you Billy X time? I don't know what makes you think I'm taking away your singing job After all I'm a baritone. No, well darling You see you're a base Well Billy, I really didn't have you in mind when I was talking about the singers they have for the show I was thinking more about the girls singers like this This Doris day they they come up with it's not Doris day. It's Evelyn night Well day or night. You're the one of them And not only do they hire you and Billy X time, but they give me another singer Jimmy Duranty You like that note to you a note like that will get you nothing Jimmy with that note I can get two hundred and fifty thousand dollars from the RFC Coat naturally, I'll return the mink coat. It takes me long enough to shave as it is Well Jimmy darling, I'm not worried about your singing on this program because your singing is mostly comedy Now I would sing love songs. I can sing love songs too. Oh, you can I never heard you Oh sure get a load of this You don't need Penicillin you don't need or a mice. Yeah, you just need self-familiar night You're not in love you're just sick My Jimmy that's wonderful. I never heard you saying so beautifully next week to Lou at the St. Patricks they prayed I'm gonna sing to Lou La Lou to Lou La Lou to Lou La Lou to I to Lou La Lou Lou La You're a Nairie. What I mean though Jimmy darling everybody who comes on this program is allowed to sing But when I want to sing you should hear the inhuman cry that goes up before you sing Yes, they don't even give me a chance Well, don't you have a sponsor on this program? Why don't you go to your sponsor and complain? Oh, we have three sponsors We have now. Let me see. We have RCA Victor. No, I don't think your singing would help their business Well, and we have Chesterfield cigarettes. No, your voice wouldn't help their business either and we have Anderson headache tablets That's the one to go I'm disappointed in you. I thought you'd help me out in this little problem. I'm having here after all Jimmy I don't sing as bad as all that. There are many facets to my voice speaking of facets Have you ever practiced singing in the bathtub? Do you every time I take a breath I practice mice? Come on a southern something tough Every time I take a bet I practice my singing agents the froom and cleanser That takes the ring out of the bathtub and puts it in my face Now Jimmy no plug. How can I take a bet without a plug? Well, I have a confession to make Jimmy. I always practice singing when I'm in the tub Well, only this afternoon while I was taking a bath I was singing In the bathtub Please Now I know what's wrong with your voice. You should spray it with ring. So you've got a dish pan throat Well, it looks like everybody's at my throat. I Know they can't be that much difference between my singing everybody else's oh Jimmy I'm gonna let one of our guests sing now. She's one of our very best singers I want you to listen to her and see if you can tell why everybody would rather hear her than me It's every night singing her great recording. I remember the cornfields Happy day Simply fair. You don't like that Evan. Would you prefer me to say you were fairly simple? I know what's bothering you to Lula. You're just jealous of my singing. I jealous of your singing. Oh I suppose there is an audience that likes good singing, but there must be an audience for me, too I was just talking to Jimmy Durante about a moment ago. Jimmy. Where are you right here to Lue? I've been listening to Evelyn sing like he told me and I've come to a goshly conclusion To do you should have your tonsils out. I've already had my tonsils out then put them back in at least To Lula, I don't know why you keep worrying about singing After all you're a dramatic actress, you know the old saying Shoemaker stick to your last you mean I should stick to acting either bad or learn to make shoes And I know where I'd like to put my first shoe To Lula, there's no use getting angry about it. You want to sing you've got to work at it. I love to sing I take care of my voice. I never go to bed later than nine o'clock Practice scales all day before going to bed. I drink warm milk Never have dates more than twice a month and I'm always home before nine o'clock And that's how I keep in condition so I can sing. Yeah What have you got to sing about? Well, if you want to sing to Lula, you've got to stick to a schedule like that warm milk every night. I Would rather die Well, it's either you or your audience just a minute. This isn't fair you two picking on to Lula No, thank you Billy Eckstein. You've heard me sing haven't you? Well, no, I haven't really Would you care to run over one of your songs for me? Oh, I'd be glad to Billy Give my regards to Remember me to her a square To Lula, I said run over it not trample it to death. I see you've joined the opposition, too Oh, no, I want to help you now. Let me show you how to sing that listen to this Oh, that's very pretty Billy and what's the name of that song? Let's give my regards to Broadway Well, what do you know it's two different songs with the same title We'll sing something else for us. Will you Billy? Okay, I'll sing if go right ahead Billy I hope he knows the words to this better than he knows give my regards to Broadway the worst of that one and you sang it divinely Well, I'm glad we finished with the singing department on this program Wait a minute to Lula. You've got Celeste home on the show. She's a singer. Oh I took care of that Celeste is an actress. She won an Academy Award in motion pictures She's in a play without music now on Broadway affairs of state Yes, but she became a star in Oklahoma. She sang in that one. Well, I've already fixed it so she won't sing on this program When I found out that she was going to be on the show last Monday it was I telephoned her Well, I certainly straightened her out about what she was going to do on the show and I made sure she was not Hello. Hello Is this the residence of Celeste home? Yes, sir. Oh, please. I will see if madame is here Thank You Rochester Heavens, what is she calling me about now? She's already called me about what to wear on the show and I promised I'd try not to look young what can she want now This is miss home secretary may I help you? Well, I want to speak of his home personally if I could Well, I'm so sorry, but there are no passes for her play on Broadway Oh, no, no, no, it's not about that really. It's about the big show on Sunday. Oh Well, she can get you plenty of tickets for that Who is this please? Look miss This is Tallulah Bankhead Who a Tallulah Bankhead? What's so funny about that? Nothing. It sounds as if you're saying Tallulah Bankhead. I Am saying Tallulah Bankhead. Oh, I beg your pardon. How do you spell that? Well, I'm not very good at spelling, but let me see now. Sorry. Now. We see this here TAL What's that first letter a T? T as in taboo as in what taboo Longhead for miss home that you are without doubt the most inefficient incompetent secretary Anybody ever had and if miss home doesn't fire you the minute I tell her please please please don't Please don't tell her I've cried to do my best. It's just that she treats me so badly She overworks me from morning to night washing and ironing washing and ironing washing and ironing her hair That beautiful head of hair is not real. Oh, please. Please don't say I told you I don't want to lose my job I'm so oh, no, of course. I won't think of a darling. I won't say word. Oh So the hair is not really Well, of course, I suspect it all the time. Oh, it is hers. I paid for it That's another thing she makes me do all her shopping and she keeps me busy on the phone from morning to night calling up at escort service For men to take her out calling an escort service. The one on Madison Avenue all day long The one on Madison. Oh, no, darling. That's not the good one died the one You really you shouldn't talk this way about miss home after all she is your employer Worry about her figure my dear. She had a perfect figure. You know can't say anything about her figure How can you? Oh? Well, it is a perfect figure. I hand it to her every morning No, oh My dear, I must have lunching you some evening. I wanted me some of my friends Water Wenzel Earl Wilson and it lies. I simply can't understand why you stay on this home if she treats you so Shabbily, well, please don't tell her but you see I want to be an actress and I took this job So I can stay close to miss home and learn how to be the great actress She is and you know she is getting on in years and I'm just waiting for my chance to take her place in the theater That plot sounds familiar Well, it would make a good picture all about Celeste Oh, you won't tell her I told you will you she'd whip me whip you. Oh, yeah, she's a regular Simon degree Oh miss home just came in. I'll put her on Hello to Lula. Hello Simon darling Well, I mean Eve. I mean Celeste Darling, I called you about the big show now It won't be necessary for you to sing on it. We have plenty of singers including myself. Oh, but to Lula I've a wonderful new number to sing. That's where I've been I've been rehearsing it all afternoon with an orchestra And I just want you to hear it It's a song called the happy ending from a 20th century Fox picture on the Riviera and my friend Sylvia fine Wrote it and she told me I should be sure to sing it on your show. So listen to it to Lula Okay fellas, you can play it now. Your orchestra came home with you They escorted me home. I have a wonderful escort service. I'll give you the number if you want it I know the number 802 For the end to be bleep mark that when the lights go on where are you? Still in the dark give me a happy ending every time But I had when the curtain is descending and lovers aren't blending. That's a crime Don't want the hero to be the one who done it Don't want my hair wine left over if that is corny don't ever let them stop corn I want that mortgage paid out every time. I really love it When the doctor yells hot water and plenty of it, let them take that final entrance and make that final entrance look Let them smile or sing a ditty or just stand there and look pretty Let them read as we watch the world Celeste. I see you have an escort service for applause, too Well, didn't you like the song to Lula and darling? It's not a question of how much I like it. It's a question of how much I hate it You mean you won't let me sing it on your show now Let's put it bluntly darling if you sing the song on the show you'll be a big hit So you're not going to sing it Well, I've got news for you to Lula my contract reads that I can sing on your program if I want to and I want to Well, I've got news for you, honey I just had a most informative chat with your combination secretary maid and figure-hander To Lula are you threatening me if the figure fits darling wear it? To Lula, yeah, I telephoned you last Sunday evening about six o'clock and you weren't home Well, of course not darling. I'm on this show at six o'clock. Yes. I know I had an hour and a half chat with your combination maid masters and girdle stretcher. Oh Celeste darling, why don't you sing your first song in the first half hour? And then of course if you want to sing several other songs you can sing whenever you feel like it Well, I wouldn't do more for Catherine Hepburn. Oh And speaking of Catherine Hepburn, I was talking to her maid the other day Yes, and what did she say? Well darling, you wouldn't believe it, but she told me You Have been listening to Meredith Wilson and his officer and now I'd like to take just a moment before we continue To say that this is NBC the national broadcasting company This is the national broadcasting company Sunday extravaganza With the most scintillating personalities in show business The big show the sunday night feature of nbc's all-star festival is brought to you by rca victor World leader in radio first and recorded music first in television By Chesterfield the cigarette that has for you what every smoker wants mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste the cigarette that brings you bink prosby and bob hope And by the makers of anison for fast relief from the pain of headache neuritis and neuralgia The big stars in this program are bob burns jimmy durranny billy x-time cliff hall celeste hall meville and knight jack pearl smith and dale Meredith wilson at his big show orchestra and chorus and every week your hostess the glamorous unpredictable to lula bankhead Well darling, we think we have a treat for you on the big show this week in the world of entertainment There are certain classics which are ageless Now stop snickering. I'm not talking about myself We have collected this week several classic comedy performers who have contributed priceless gems of entertainment Which will long be remembered in our business Those of you who have heard these artists will laugh again But it will be a new and refreshing experience to the younger generation of which I happen to be a member Hello little girl Well the first of these is the arkansas traveler himself bob burns Bob I can't tell you how delightfully surprised and gratified I was to hear you were coming back to radio to be on our show Especially after they explained to me who you were Now, how did you happen to decide to come east darling? Well, I'll tell you miss bankhead May I withdraw the question? No No, I want to tell you because I got a proposition for you too Yeah, you see I thought about opening a nightclub here and taking you in as a partner Now I understand you got a lot of money and you got a big name to draw the people in and I was thinking about cutting me in as a partner 50 50 I put up the money in the name. What are you putting up? Well, if we get the people in somebody's got to entertain them Why can't I entertain? Well to tell you the truth I believe you could I've been listening to all this talk about you not being able to sing and You know, I don't believe your singing's ever had the proper musical background You know, I believe my bazooka is the only instrument in the world that will blend with your voice You mean you're going to let me sing while you play? Oh, bob, you're very kind I don't think so and I'll tell you why you know, miss bankhead You kind of remind me of my aunt boo I'd like to tell you you better sit down over there now. This may take some time You know, one of the reasons why I was so anxious to get on this show here Because I wanted to see if I'd feel the same way when miss bankhead called me darling As one of my uncles did years ago down in vambiore One of them city girls come to vambiore and she said darling to everybody didn't think anything about it She called my uncle darling and he took it to heart. He got to thinking about it He liked it and he fell in love with her And it got so bad. He finally went up to her and told her if she didn't marry him, he'd die Of course, she didn't think anything of it. She turned him down and sure enough 65 years later, he died Now, you know, my grandpa snazzy just swears That miss bankhead and my aunt boo are kin Because they not only both come from alabama, but Well, my aunt boo's first name Is talula Of course, I always called her aunt boo by her nickname I never called her aunt talula because I understood if you use the word talula you'll likely get sued So I want you people now if you will I want you to follow me through this thing I want to describe aunt boo and see if you can't see the similarity in them two women Our first uh, aunt boo is kind of the dominatin type I remember the the morning I was at her house when she took the skillet test Now we had the boys down home won't marry a girl unless they can stand that skillet test A girl has to throw a skillet up the chimney and run out the yard and catch it in her apron before it hits the ground Well, I went when aunt boo threw this skillet up the chimney She threw it way up in the air and there was a high wind blowing that day And it carried this skillet quite a ways and aunt boo had to jump four barbed wire fences, but she got it I remember when when papa saw her catch it. He nudged uncle uni. He says uni I think you got something there And he did too Do you know at the wedding when uncle uni said I do that's the last decision the man ever made You know, I don't want you to think now that they didn't get along because they did Because when they was first married aunt boo made a rule That when if one of them started an argument the other one would walk out of the house They've not only had 40 years of happy married life But today uncle uni is the healthiest man you ever saw From spending so much of his life outdoor Are you are you beginning to to get the similar similarity there between the two women? It's beginning to show up. I remember when I was a little boy Aunt boo was in the kitchen by herself and the window was open Uncle uni was plowing out in the field And I saw a great big huge wildcat jump through the window Right in this room where ain't boo was well. I was scared to death I went out and told uncle uni about it and he just kept on plowing I says uncle uncle uni ain't you going back there? He says listen robin That wildcat got in there of his own accord. Let him get out the best way Why do you know one time I'll never forget if I live a thousand years the years the crows got so bad They were just eating up uncle uni's corn and uncle uni put out a scarecrow in the middle of the corn field But them crows were so brazen. They just didn't pay any attention to the scarecrow They went right on eating it and aunt boo went out there and stood in the corn field herself You know them crows got so scared. They brought back corn. They stole four years There's another similarity there between the two women Aunt boo was a a society woman. She was an entertainer She liked nothing better than having a big crowd of people around her But if there's anything in the world mortified her it was to have something go wrong At the table where she was serving I'll never forget this day. We had the family reunion and oh we were all there and And uh aunt boo course. She didn't sit down. She stood up so that she anything go wrong And we were halfway through the meal when she suddenly remembered She forgot to put on the buttermilk Well, she went down to the spring house where she keeps the buttermilk in a big jar And she's got a cloth over the top happened to be a little hole in the cloth that day and a little green frog fell in the buttermilk Aunt boo didn't see it and she rushed up to the house and in such a hurry. She poured the buttermilk out And grand paul snazzy got the glass of buttermilk with a little frog in Well, aunt boo was watching them and everybody else had drank their buttermilk, but grand paul snazzy He just sat there staring in this glass of buttermilk didn't touch it Aunt boo says what's the matter grand paul? You see something in your buttermilk grand paul says yes, and he sees me too Yet long about here is where I plan for you to sing with me if you're ready. Oh, thank you, bob darling. That's very sweet of you How come you do me like you? Here's a word from rca victor You know when spring puts in its appearance the ladies always seem to catch the men off guard They've been busy for weeks planning their spring wardrobe studying the new styles and this year there's one style Everyone will want to study It's the better looking in every way style of rca victor's magnificent new 17 inch television receiver the fairfield With the fairfield you'll get television pictures, which are exceptionally clear bright and steady And you'll have rca victor's new picture pickup, which assures you of the best possible reception If you've been looking for a television set that's going to look well in your home Here's your answer The fairfield's console cabinet is truly distinctive and its beautiful doors close over the screen when your set's not in use Go see your rca victor dealer. He'll be glad to show you the better looking Fairfield Well darlings, I don't know what all of you were doing back in the year 1910 Those of you who were here at all, I mean personally back in 1910 my parents had not yet met each other And uh Well, they didn't meet till about five years after that And then they didn't get married about two years after that And then there was my sister who was born six years before I was And now if you have any fingers left darlings You can figure out what I know you've been trying to figure Confused darlings. Well What I started to say was that back in 1910 There were a couple of wonderful comedians doing one of the great classics of show business They had become partners in 1898 and they've been partners ever since 53 years as a team in the theater Ladies and gentlemen Smith and Dale We're here the never-to-be-forgotten dr. Cronkite sketch The scene or doctor's office the patient joe smith has just entered the office Of dr. Cronkite charlie dale mr. Smith is greeted by the nurse miss gene courtney How do you do sir? Is this the office of dr. Cronkite? Yes. I'm his nurse his noise. Is the dr. Sick, too No, no, I'm a trained nurse. Oh, you do tricks What's the doctor's office hours his hours are from 12 to 3 3 to 6 6 to 9 9 to 12 and 12 to 3 Well, he gives good odds. He must be a horse doctor No, those are his hours. Is that am or fm that's tv tv. Oh tuesday or wednesday Is the doctor in now? Yes, but he's very busy. All right. I'll wait. Will you have a chair? Thank you. I'll take it on my way out How much is the doctor charge for a visit? Oh, he charges five dollars for the first visit Three dollars for the second and one for the third one dollar for the third visit. Yes. Thank you. Oh, here comes the doctor now This must be hobby lobby Well, dr. Here. I am again. I never saw you before. I'm here for the fifth time If I come here once more you'll owe me eight cents For you're a doctor. I'm a doctor. I'm dubious. I'm pleased to meet you, mr. Dubious I'm also glad to know you. I'm still dubious. Are you married, mr. Dubious? Yes or no What do you mean yes or no? I am but I wish I wasn't You got any children? I got three a boy and a girl three a boy and a girl. What's the other one? So young who can tell Do you carry any insurance? I ain't got one nickel insurance, doc. Oh, you should die. What would your wife bury you with? With pleasure It seems to be your complaint. I don't know before I saw you. I saw another doctor. He said I had snow in my blood What could I tell you? He told me I had snow in my blood snow. What snow? Nothing much snow with you I don't know. I'm as sick as a dog. No worry. You came to the right place. I'm also a veterinarian What's the matter? I don't know. Every time I eat a heavy meal. I don't feel so hungry after That's my problem, doc. Oh, well, maybe maybe you don't need the right kind of dishes What do you mean yes? You don't need that right? What kind of dishes do you eat? I should eat dishes. What kind of dishes? What am I a crocodile? What is your favorite dish? Aluminum I like aluminum with cinnamon You don't seem to grips me when I speak with you. I don't grips you. If I don't grips you, don't grips me You guys have been eating radishes. Yeah radishes. What's the matter? Don't you like radishes? I love radishes, but not when you eat it Please, my time is limited. No, I don't know what it is. I don't love you I would like to know what kind of meat you eat. Will I eat? Will I eat? I don't ask you, will you? I says what kind of meat you eat? What did I tell you? You ask me, will you? I said, will you? I said, will you lie? I don't know if that Dr. Jagle or Oscar Wildo Who am I cutting with? You should say with the V and not with the Wu I don't know. Now, when you eat, how do you like a wheel medium? No, I like my wheel well to do On one side, the other side option. I would like to know when you drink drinks What kind of drinking drinks do you drink? Have you drank something? I'm liquorous Wait a minute. Doctor, don't talk. When you talk, you sing April showers You mean like coffee or milk or chocolate? That's right. I drink tea Now, what do you drink? What do you drink? Sea lion tea? No, orange pecanese How much tea do you drink a day? About 12 glasses full Oh, shallot of tea? Shallot of tea. I drink shallot of tea too You drink tea with lemon? I can't go on it. Oh, you're allergic I don't know how I'm going to vote next year I got a quick on my neck. What do you mean a quick? Doctor, I got rheumatism on the back of my neck. Is the back place that I've rheumatism on the back of my neck? No, wherever you want a better place than on the back of your neck On the back of your neck You go to Mount Klemers for your rheumatism Mount Klemers is a good place for rheumatism That's where I got mine Or you could go to Switzerland Now, what can I do in Switzerland? You can sit there and switch Don't worry, I will examine you with the stethoscope Don't worry about that Take all the coat Take all the coat, my boy Take all the coat, my boy What are you blowing on the stethoscope for? I'm blowing, I'm sterilizing the stethoscope Now, don't breathe I gotta breathe, doctor, I can't help it Now, I would like to see you inhale Inhale, I would like to see you Inhale, you would like to see me inhale Inhale, I would like to see you I'd like to open a safe fish Try the tongue Way out more, way out more I can't, it's tight on the back here Please, I've got no patience You've got no patience? I shouldn't have been here either I've seen better tongues hanging in a butcher shop I've seen better doctors practicing without a diploma Put on the coat Put on the coat, my boy Thank you for the concert, doctor You understand the whole case? Yeah, the whole top of a shoe is your knee-dye glasses If I had a headache, I would need an umbrella No, no, you're right How do I owe you? You owe me $10 That's for my fee $10 for your fee? $10 for my advice Your advice? That's right Well, doctor, here's $2, take it, that's my advice You cheapskate, you come and eat You cockamini, it makes me a half an hour of my time One more word for you, you'll only get a dollar Why? That's the word, here's a dollar Now, here is another real old team My darlings being Crosby and Bob Hope Bob, do you realize we only have one thing in common? Really enough for a happy marriage, is it? What's that being? Chesterfields, of course, we both like them, we both sell them And we'd better get to sell them now You know, folks, better tasting Chesterfield is the only cigarette that combines for you mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste How do you know they're mild? Or do you just make our mildness test you by them? Open them up and enjoy that milder aroma Then smoke a Chesterfield You'll know it's milder because it smokes milder And Chesterfield leaves no unpleasant aftertaste That fact has been confirmed by the country's first and only cigarette taste panel So, always buy Chesterfield Let's sum it up musically Chesterfield, Chesterfield always takes first place That milder mild tobacco never leaves an aftertaste Oh-ho, open a pack and give them a smell Then you'll smoke them Well, I'm having a wonderful time listening to these great acts of an earlier day in show business Pardon me? To you? Yes, Jimmy, darling Aren't you getting a kick out of these show business classics? Pretty classic myself Of course, you may think I'm too young compared to these old timers But I remember there used to be an act around Broadway called Clayton Jackson and some other fellow Durante Anyway, they used to do a song, them three fellas Clayton Jackson and that other fella A Durante, darling Who can pronounce them foreign names And I would like to do a song they used to do with the help of this young fella here with me His name is Eddie Jackson How do you do, Mr. Jackson? Got it Always glad to give a young team a helping hand Mr. Durante and Mr. Jackson, the stage is yours Who is this? Isabel? Your man left you? OK, I'll give you a message to the world for backup So stop your crying Stop your sighing I'll find that man and bring him back to you Won't you come home, Bill Bailey Won't you come home I'm on the whole day long I'll do the cooking, darling I'll pay the rent I know I don't remember that rainy evening You drove me out With nothing but a fine two cone You mean it a shame Bill Bailey won't you please come home Folks, I want you to meet my partner Of Clayton Jackson and Durante Mr. Eddie Jackson Won't you come home, Bill Bailey Won't you come home Of someone only new Just where you could be found We don't go out and find you make you come around Yes, and I know Being on his way home by now, it's not our fault I might be home already I hope so Isabel wants to apologize He says I won't you please come home We'll see you later The next time you suffer from pains of headache, neuritis, or neuralgia Take Anderson You'll bless the day you heard of this incredibly fast way to relieve these pains Now the reason Anderson is so wonderfully fast acting and effective is this Anderson is like a doctor's prescription That is, Anderson contains not just one but a combination of medically proven active ingredients in easy to take tablet form Thousands of people have received envelopes containing Anderson tablets from their own dentist or physician And in this way discovered the incredibly fast relief Anderson brings from pains of headache, neuritis, or neuralgia So the next time a headache strikes Take Anderson for this wonderfully fast relief Anderson, A-N-A-C-I-N Anderson comes in handy boxes of 12 and 30 Economical family size bottles of 50 and 100 Get Anderson at any drug counter Well darlings, there's more to come Not only another great classic comedian, Mr. Jack Pearl But also coming back every night, Billy Eckstein, Jimmy Duranty, Celeste Holm, Meredith Wilson, and everybody else But first as early he wants to say This portion of the program has been brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television And by Chester Field, the cigarette that has for you what every smoker wants Mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste The best cigarette for you to smoke And by the makers of Anderson for fast relief from the pain of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia And now Tallulah, if you'll bring your chime Of course Ed, this darlings is NBC, the national broadcasting company This is the big show And Tallulah is about to introduce another great classic act of the theater Some years ago, everybody walked around saying Versailles, Charlie A catchphrase made famous by the great Baron Munchhausen In other words, Jack Pearl Mr. Pearl, with his famous sidekick, Charlie, Mr. Cliff Hall Well, well, Baron, I'm delighted to see you Ben, Charlie of all the people in the whole world I haven't seen you in a long time, where you been? I just come back from the design How'd you get over here? I came over on a ship You say one of what? I came over on a ship No, no, no, you mean a ship, a boat, a vessel One is enough I just come over Was it a fast ship? Oh, very fast How fast was it? Oh, we was making over 60 miles an hour The ship was... You mean you were making 60 knots an hour? No, no, we were making 60 miles an hour No, no, Baron, nautically speaking, it's not Now, I was on the boat, I tell you, miles All right, Baron, miles to you Not steel What? I don't want to have no arguments with you How was the food aboard the ship, Baron? Food was just so-so Oh, just so-so You know something, Charlie? With every meal I had to eat soup With every meal you had to eat soup? I had to eat soup Was it compulsory? You see, I was... Hello? I say, was it compulsory? No To me, the soup Oh, to me? No, you didn't have compulsory Oh, say, by the way, Baron, just a moment Did you know that Jimmy Durante has been looking all over this theater for you with a gun? What do you mean? He's looking for me with a revolver? With what? I say, he's looking for me with a revolver? With a revolver, yeah Why? Why he's looking for me? Why? Well, he said that you called him a dirty name I called him a dirty name? He said that you swore at him Oh, what a liar! Fuck it Now, wait, wait, now, don't get excited You'll get high blood pressure No, not me I'm anemic Listen, Charlie, I give you my solemn word I never called him a dirty name or I never swore Then how did it happen? Here's how that comes out, just like it was All right What day is this today? Today? Yeah Sunday Sunday, that was four days back That was Wettnish days You see, I'm going out... Wait a minute, what day did you say? Wettnish days Now I was going... You mean Wednesday? Yeah, in the center of the week, like, you know Wednesday, Wednesday, named after the god, Woden No Wettnish days is named after Tuesday Listen, Charlie, you see, Wettnish days I was going in the Kondrain with my car I see Well, as I'm driving... Wait a minute, tell me, what time of the day was this? Oh, this was maybe nine o'clock Nine o'clock Nine o'clock Nine o'clock a.m. or p.m. So I'm going... What was that, what? I say, was it nine o'clock a.m. or p.m. So I'm going out in my... Why don't you answer my question? Was it nine o'clock a.m. or p.m. No, no, no, that's not nice What's not nice? I don't like that, now you hear that? What are you talking about? I know what that is, now don't say that Oh, you do All right, all right, wait a minute You know what it is? Yeah Well, what is it? About the farmer's daughter Just a minute, now, when you calm yourself Look, I'll make this a little more clear to you Yeah Was it nine o'clock before noon or after noon? Yeah That's good That's good Look Will you please tell me the time of the day you were driving in the country? Nine o'clock Nine o'clock a.m. or p.m. No, az, that was Az What do you mean, az? After supper Nine o'clock after supper Yeah We was going in the country We Who's we? My sweetheart and myself What, you keeping company with a girl? What do you think, middle horse? What are you talking about? I mean, a girl What a girl, eh? Oh, she's some cat Nice girl I'm, I'm, I'm crazy over that one So she, she... Well, every man is your girl Blonde, brunette, autesian Yeah, so we going... Is she what? I say, is your girl Blonde, brunette, autesian Oh, God! She's a polar She's a polar You don't know You don't know You mean she's You don't know She's a Polish extraction No, no, Polish people Well, that's the same Yeah, her mother and father is Polish Yeah, well, is she Is she Czechoslav or Yugoslav? So we going for... I beg your stuff I say Is she Czechoslav or Yugoslav? Good natured slav So listen, so we must Oh, Charlie Why? I want to ask you one thing Right ahead Did you ever watch in love? Oh, I've been in love, yes Yeah, you know Well, you know how love is Yes, of course We was going in the woods You see, yes You went in the woods to cogitate Yeah, so when we... I went for what? What I meant? I say You went in the woods to cogitate We'll come to that later So we going, listen Oh, now wait a minute So we going Look, that is the dumbest thing I think I've ever heard you say in my life Now, why do you say it as I'm talking? Well, because I think it Now, I'm just so smart as you Now, what do you think of that? This is no time to argue, please You know, I was never in school So long I lived Oh, you were never in school You know that when... You know that when I was seven years old I was working supporting my mother and my father When you were... Seven years old Yeah? Where were you working? In the old country You were working in the old country Yeah I was the board of my mother and my father Well, whereabouts in the old country Were you working at seven? In Holland, where I was born All right What father? Whereabouts in Holland were you working? What sort of work were you doing? I was working on a farm You were working on a farm? When I was seven years old What sort of work were you doing on a farm? What you called it here in America I was a pilot When I was seven I was... You were what? A pilot You were a pilot on a farm? Yeah, when I was seven years old What are the duties of a pilot on a farm? My boss used to say pilot here All right I bet you five dollars Oh, you see So smart you are, so dumb I am I could answer my question Where you could not answer yours No, wait a minute Let me understand You want to bet me five dollars You can answer your question Where I can't answer mine Yeah, I bet you five dollars All right, the bet is on All right Have you got five dollars with you? Yes, I think so If you win, you trust me, right? Yes, sure Let me see Did you ever was in the woods? You know why? I say, did you ever was in the woods? Did I ever was in the woods? Yeah Your grammar is bad Yeah, she's an old lady now, isn't she? Did you ever was in the woods? Yes, I've been in the woods When you was in the woods Did you ever see holes? Did I ever see what? I slagged in the shop No, no, no, no Did you ever see holes? What are you talking about? Holes How do you say it? Holes Did you ever see hoes? What kind of hoes? Rabbit What kind? Rabbit, rabbit holes Rabbit holes? Yeah Yes, I've seen rabbit holes You understand this? Do you know how the rabbit makes that hole without leaving any dirt around? Do I know how the rabbit makes the hole without leaving any dirt around? Yeah, do you know that? Well, now that's a very difficult question and I must admit I can't answer it, can you? Could I? Yeah That is my question and I must answer it That's right They start from the bottom and they dig up and I never was in school Oh, wait a minute I have you now How does the rabbit get to the bottom in order to dig to the top? That's your question, you answer it The presence of such show business immortals as our guest tonight on The Big Show and the fact that this month marks the 13th anniversary of his passing reminds us that there is another great name that deserves to take his place in that company the Boswell of the 30s the affectionate and understanding historian of our turbulent youth the late O. McIntyre I feel that a close friend is better qualified than an ardent admirer to pay tribute to our McIntyre and so darlings I'd like to call upon Meredith Wilson Yes, Tallulah, I was a friend of odds and an admirer of his too but people like me can be counted in the millions across this country because every reader of McIntyres was both a friend and an admirer and I'll bet if we listen real close we can hear the rustle of those aging clippings still kept on a shelf still red of an evening at home Yes, Meredith odds with the quiet small voice of the hometown boy lost in the wonders of the big city and our best tribute to our McIntyre would be to let that voice speak again in words and music the music is from Meredith Wilson's symphonic composition The O. O. McIntyre Suite written before odds death and Meredith and his orchestra will play the movement called Thoughts While Strolling and I will read the words from one of our most famous columns still red and cherished over all America first the music Thoughts While Strolling We hear now the words of O. McIntyre as he spoke to us gave us his thoughts while strolling from one of his most famous columns Fifth Avenue Street of Dreams and Enchantment Street of Tragedy Personal Tragedy For here is where I lost my dearest friend my dog brothers and sisters I bid you beware of giving your hearts to a dog to tear Eight of the happiest years of my life was spent in the almost constant companionship of a devoted dog when he was taken from me I grieved and consoled for weeks I walked the streets at night trying to get hold of myself My dog's name was Junior he was a Boston Bulldog weighing 24 pounds he was full of joyous life and never outgrew his prankestess I picked him up in a Fifth Avenue dog shop in much the same manner that one buys a trinket I thought he was cute looking he was four weeks old and he trotted sideways with mock seriousness I took him home in my overcoat pocket from that day on for eight years he played a big part in my life he came to understand me better than most of my human associates he knew his time for play and my time for work he did not trust us for six years he never buried five minutes at the stroke of five o'clock in the evening coming to me with his rubber ball in his mouth that was his hour for romp he demanded his hour one of my great faults has always been a lack of punctuality but I was always on the dock to keep the romping appointment with Junior one day I got to thinking about this and the result was that I became more careful surely I should show humans as much consideration as I showed my dog for several years Junior and his mistress and I used to walk around the gravel path of a central park reservoir in New York at dusk after his romp at such times I would permit him to frolic and roll in the grass unleashed and unmuscled one evening however he disappeared in a clump of bushes and refused to come out in my calling whistles I followed him and found him squatting beside a stray dog that had been injured by a passing automobile we called the bider we home and the hurt creature was taken to it and cured this incident gave me some serious moments of introspection how often I asked myself had I stopped along the roadside to comfort the stricken and forlorn we did not continue the walk home just then instead we left millionaire's row wandered over to the squalid section of New York's east side and mounted the rickety stairs of a crowded tenement there we sat at the bedside of an old cop who had lived in our neighborhood who had been stricken with the fatal illness we paid a small rent had some food sent to him and were occasional visitors until the end I do not do so much of this sort of thing as I should but the credit for what little I have done is due to junior here is one incident which I hesitate to tell more than likely it is the mirror's coincidence but it is set down here just as it happened junior accompanied me one summer to my little home town in Missouri and together we went one afternoon to the cemetery to visit the grave of my mother it had been a number of years since I'd been there and the place had become so strange to me that I I wanted around for half an hour in an effort to find the grave finally I gave it up as hopeless looking around for junior I saw him lying down about 100 yards away he didn't seem inclined to come to me so I went to him and I found that he was resting at the side of my mother's grave I come to the final chapter of junior's life with tears that are shed unashamed junior like all good dogs was faithful to the end he died obeying my command which made his loss all the more tragic to me it was late at night little traffic on Fifth Avenue I took off his leash he had been trained to wait at the curb until he received the command go then he would race across like a flash I stepped to the curb and looked for traffic there seemed to be none I shouted go junior was offered a bound at that instant a party of reckless joy riders swung madly around the corner and junior was hit he staggered to his feet and as I lifted him in my arms he looked up with his soft cleaning eyes begging for the help I could not give hailing a taxi cab I hurried to my hotel a few blocks away but before I'd reached there he died without even a whimper of pain he lies buried today in the picturesque dog cemetery on the sloping hills near New York yes it's true what Kipling wrote brothers and sisters I bid you beware of giving your hearts to a dog to tear continuing with the great classics of show business popular music too has survived the march of years we have picked a medley of songs which were great in their time and which today are enjoying huge success as revivals Melodyth Wilson his big show orchestra and chorus assisted by Evelyn Knight Billy Eckstein and Celeste Holm would present that medley say let me may you see darlings that's what I mean everybody sings on our show would mean especially after that wonderful article in this month's radio and television mirror that says I'm a great singer I wrote it myself doing a medley of Broadway's hits and they leave out the biggest one of all the song I do so well give my regards to Broadway it's a conspiracy you're right Talu I'll come for you without fish shampoo it's like Montgomery without cliff Jimmy darling I'm so glad you feel that way and so just for you I'm going to sing give my regards to Broadway okay Talu I'll give me your regards so long remember me to Harold Square leave it to Evelyn I'll remember you to the Harold and all the squares goodnight all the boys on 42nd street that I will soon be there I just happened to be going over towards 42nd street to Lula I'll tell them goodnight tell them as I'm your need they tell me Baron did you ever hear singing like that Charlie for the first time in my life the Baron cannot tell a lie I never heard anything like this goodnight well I guess I better be going Miss Bankhead that sounds like hog feeding time to me give my regards to all Broadway well who should know better how and say that I'm the coat my boy let's go come on well darlings that's our show for this week next Sunday we have another cast of the big names of show business Fred Allen Phil Baker Eddie Cantor Eddie Fisher Ella Fitzgerald Portland Huffer Jan Pierce and others and of course our very own Meredith Wilson and the big show Auckland Chorus and until then may the good lord bless and keep you whether near or far away heaven may you find that love Jack may your troubles all be small ones and your fortune ten times ten Smith and Dale may the good lord bless and keep you till we meet with sunlight shining and a blue bird in every tree Celeste may there be yourself and your dreams with sweet tomorrow never mind what might have been Jimmy may the good lord bless and keep you till we meet again Billy may you long recall each rainbow then you soon forget the race may the war be the war and keep you until we meet again good night darlings and Godspeed to our armed forces all over the world who hear these broadcasts each week and written by Goodman Ace, Selma Diamond George Foster, Mort Green and Frank Wilson this is Ed Hurley he's speaking BC