 This episode was prerecorded as part of a live continuing education webinar. On-demand CEUs are still available for this presentation through all CEUs. Register at allceus.com slash counselor toolbox. I'd like to welcome everybody to today's presentation on group and individual activities for developing interpersonal skills. We're going to explore why it's important to develop interpersonal skills and clients. When I worked in community mental health and even when I was in grad school, a lot of times it was hard for people to kind of draw the connection between why we would want to teach life skills and interpersonal skills in group and because it's not really what we think of as counseling. So we're going to talk about how that can be important to helping our clients succeed in implementing their treatment plans. We'll identify the goals of interpersonal skill development. So what are we trying to accomplish by helping clients acquire these skills? We'll explore why the relationship with self is vital in developing a healthy relationship with others. I know I sound like a broken record on this topic if you've been to multiple of these classes, but I think it's important. So, you know, whatever. Identify personal vulnerabilities which may enter impact interactions with others and those are a little bit different than what we think of in terms of our typical vulnerabilities of being hungry, angry, lonely or tired. So we'll talk about those two. We'll discuss boundaries, why they're important and common boundary issues that I've experienced with with clients, you know, things that have kept them stuck, if you will. And maybe some ways that we can start addressing those. We'll explore briefly resentment and jealousy and how to help clients address those feelings and finish up with the positive, learning how to help clients develop a plan for nurturing relationships. So why are interpersonal skills important? Relationships, as you've heard me say 100 times, are a buffer against stress, but they can also be an extreme stressor. And I think most of us have experienced unhealthy relationships. Hopefully, everybody's also experienced healthy relationships. So you can differentiate between those relationships that build you up and those relationships that just suck the energy right out of you. And we want to talk about those because a lot of our clients because they have low self esteem abandonment issues, they're depressed and they've pushed a lot of people away and they're just looking for anybody to hang out with them or give them attention at this point. You know, there's a lot of different reasons, but a lot of our clients will default to any relationship is better than no relationship. So we want to help clients figure out how to develop healthy relationships and maybe how to morph slightly unhealthy relationships. Some relationships can be morphed by setting healthy boundaries and improving communication and all that kind of stuff. We want people to learn how to manage relationships in context, taking into account the reciprocal nature. So that's a whole lot of meta concept jibber jabber. And when I teach this to a group of clients or even an individual, I asked them first, you know, what do you think a relationship in context means. And, you know, it's really helping them understand, you know, we're not just talking about friendships, a relationship in context, your relationship with your boss is going to be very different than your relationship with your best friend, or your child, or your pastor. So we want to help them understand how the context of the relationship and will affect how you interact and what that person can do for you and what you can do for that person and everything. And maybe how you react to them, because, you know, if you've got a client who has issues with authority figures, they may react differently with authority figures. The context of the relationship gives that person power over them. They may react differently to that person than they do to a colleague. And then what does reciprocal nature mean. And again, I put this out there and I encourage them to brainstorm what they think it might mean. And then we talk about it if you're working with adolescents you may have to do a little bit more definition of what some of this stuff is. Reciprocal nature is really what you give out often comes back. So if you're an angry grumpy mood, you may bite somebody's head off, and they may throw irritability right back at you. And it may be this volley of unpleasantness. If you give out positive compassion, you know, all that happy stuff, even if that person is in an unhappy mood. If you give that out, you're probably going to get something gentler back. Think about when you've interacted with cashiers at grocery stores or at Walmart. I remember one day I was interacting with this. We were checking out, and it wasn't a terribly busy day, but something happened and my checkout person was rather slow. She was doing the best she could but things kept happening. And it took a little bit of time to check out. I could see that she was doing the best she could and it was, you know, just kind of staying in there. She kept apologizing and her tone in her voice kept getting more and more stressed out and I'm like really, it's not that big of a deal. Do what you got to do and we'll get it done. And it's by extending that compassion, if you will, to her, she's like, oh my gosh, thank you. I'm like, wow, that sounds like other people don't tend to treat you quite as well. I don't remember exactly what I said. But she's like, no, you would be amazed at how how unpleasant people can get when it takes too long to check out. And, you know, my thought is how does that benefit us? You know, if your cashier is stressed out and you start chewing on them and they get more stressed out is probably going to slow them down and make them make more mistakes. So that's reciprocal nature what you give, give out you often get back and it will intensify or can intensify itself. So what we want people to do by teaching interpersonal skills is develop an awareness of an honesty with themselves and others about how they feel, what's going on and I'm not talking about, you know, if they're in an angry mood walking around everywhere going, I'm really pissed off today. That's not going to solve much. But if you if they're aware of how they're feeling, then they can maybe take a breath if they start feeling themselves get irritable, and go is this about this situation, or is this about my stuff and we'll talk about that later. So we want them to develop this ability to be aware of their own stuff, but also aware of others so they can put themselves in that in the shoes of the cashier, or their friend or their boss and go, you know what maybe that person was having a bad day, or let me try to understand what they were thinking, instead of taking it personally, and going, they're mad at me, or they're trying to trip me up or they just have no respect or, you know, a lot of times it's not about us. It's more about them. And we have to try to understand what what that is, we'll talk about that. We want to help them develop, develop and maintain meaningful relationships with healthy boundaries. Most of us don't grow up going, you know what, I want to be a hermit live in a cave and have no friends. That's just not how we're wired. As humans, we generally want to have a couple of friends. And we want to have healthy friendships, not friendships that we look at our caller ID and go. Yeah, no, delete. That's not helpful. We want them to be relationships that will help buffer stress and bring happiness to our lives. But even in the best relationships, there's going to be disagreements arguments disappointments. So we want to help people learn how to navigate these unpleasant interpersonal experiences, whether it's a healthy relationship or not. Figure out how they can navigate it in a way that's most helpful to them to prevent feeling rejected to prevent anxiety to prevent a sense of depression and helplessness, because they don't feel like they'll ever have a friend. So we want to encourage them to understand what the experiences are that they're having and figure out how to deal with them in a way that's meaningful. So now we're moving on pretty quickly to the group stuff types of relationships. Their relationship with self means figuring out what they need to get their needs met. How many of us have had clients who give and give and give, and they want others to give back but they don't ask for that. Or they don't realize they want to get something back and then they give and give and give them they start to feel resentful because nobody's giving back. Well, you know, you've got to be able to ask for what you need, but in order to ask for it, you have to know what it is. So that goes with knowing yourself and knowing what you need in relationships, knowing what type of support you need knowing when you need to ask for help. And then the relationship with others, the perception and reaction to the situation and the people. One of the things that affects relationships is how we perceive a particular situation. Think about a client. You've never met client from ever. And she walks in and maybe she didn't have time to take a shower. She looks like she, you know, just threw on the first thing that she found on the floor when she rolled out of bed and comes into your office and sits down. And it's like, okay, I'm here. Now the what perception might you have from that? And, you know, you can get glean a lot of different depending on your perspective, you can glean a lot of different things. Some people may say she's not motivated. Some people may say she was, you know, too depressed and struggling or too anxious and struggling and it was all she could do to muster the energy to get there. Some people would say it was disrespectful and she's not motivated to be in treatment. So our perception of what's going on may affect our interactions with people. You know, I think I would interact differently with someone who I felt was doing their very best, but they just barely made it versus somebody who was, you know, didn't care about the appointment was running late was being self-sufficient. Self-centered, not necessarily disrespectful. It wasn't just about me. It was about them not wanting to be there. You know, I would, I might approach those two people differently. So it's important to check our perceptions ahead of time and make sure we have evidence for those. And, you know, the same thing for our clients based on people's appearance and or like where they work. The people at the DMV give it get a really bad rap. You know, I've met some nice people who work at the DMV. But when you think of somebody who works at the Department of Motor Vehicles, you often think of somebody who works at a sloth space, not even a snail at a sloth space doesn't like their job is generally cranky. And that's just a generality that's a that we have. And so encouraging people to check that at the door and look at the person and say, you know, what is my perception based on my prior experiences telling me about this person. And, you know, what is my perception in reality right now, because what happened in the past may not be happening now. So in group, I have clients explore how perceptions can be automatic. We'll start out I'll show pictures of a cop. You know, what do you think about this person and some people, you know, most people have a perception of what a cop is going to be like based on their interactions. I came from a family of cops so I have a very different perception than a lot of people. And then we'll go through and do, you know, maybe a priest or a pastor, and then an attractive 30 something. I usually use 30 something because in my groups people are anywhere from 25 to late 40s. So 30 something is not out of the realm of possibility for them to find attractive and desirable. You know, I wouldn't show a 12 year old or something that would be weird. So what I'm look encouraging them to do is look and say, you know, I see this person and these are the people we see as models. Well, often they're like 20 somethings but and people use them as models to communicate a message. So encouraging people to look at it. And if they see this attractive 30 something they may think this person has everything they've got it all together they're happy. You know, have everything that I want. And then we can start looking at well what's the evidence of that. And then I move on to showing someone who's homeless, and maybe someone kind of with their pants sagging, maybe looking like they they're wearing gang colors or something, something that can help you see a more negative connotation. And you know, I don't like sagging pants, you know, I'm old. So I don't like sagging pants, but I have interacted with people who that's the style. That's how they wear their pants and they're very nice people it has nothing to do with who they are. So the whole point of this is to help people start seeing how much they read into situations before they even know what's going on. And then we move on to discussing all right now that you realize how much you read in how can you start viewing people as individuals not just grouping them and generalizing them into well anyone who has saggy pants, anyone who's a cop and anyone who, you know fill in the blank. How can you start to see people as individuals and appreciate what they're bringing their similarities and differences. And well, then we may move into talking about times when seeing people when they've tried to generalize and lump people together and stereotype someone and they found out that wow that didn't fit at all. So that can make an interesting group to start helping people see perceptions. And this perception and reaction will also impact the situation that you're in. So if you're in a situation and let's go back to the, to the cashier, you know, if I was being rude and I escalated the situation, and she started getting more nervous she might start making more mistakes then I could get angrier bring over the customer service manager it could be a whole thing, which really wouldn't serve a purpose but. So the attention to how does our behavior, and even just our perceptions and our nonverbal behavior before we even open our mouths. How does our perception and our behavior affect the situation. I think we've all had clients that come into group or come into session, they walk in, they flop down in the chair and fold their arms, and they look at you like what are you going to do about it. Now, you know, I tend to like working with involuntary clients so I'm like cool, this is going to be a challenge. But it's important to understand for that person to understand what kind of message they're communicating. This, you know, plays out a lot in work situations when we're trying to help people get back to work, or in relationships if they project an air of suspicion, a lot of times or jealousy, helping them understand what they're projecting by what they might be reading into a situation. Other things to give you an example, verbal deescalation. When I worked in residential. Whenever a client would get upset and particularly, you know, there were certain clients that we knew just fed off the energy of being in the group. But it generally is true when anybody gets upset in a group, if they have an audience that typically feeds the fire. It's going to be easier to deescalate the situation if you can get rid of the audience. So when people, you know, couples are arguing, it's better for them to argue in private. So one doesn't feel like they're having to escalate to save face in front of the crowd. If you're at a family gathering over the holidays and you get into a disagreement with your spouse, take it into another room instead of having the family there cheering somebody on or, you know, observing and making the person feel like they've got to save face. We'll also talk about examples where somebody has had a situation, maybe a breakup, or they're suspecting their, their spouse or significant others cheating on them and they tell their best friend. And their best friend responds by feeding the fury and just tells, you know, you need to do this and oh let me tell you this and just feeds into all that anxiety and anger and oh I bet he was cheating on you because I saw him doing such and so with so and so last week. And that can escalate a situation, whereas if that same friend would have said, Well, let's see how we can figure out whether he's cheating on you or not. That may have resulted in a whole different outcome. Another example is being mad at your boss, your spouse or your best friend. We probably express all three of those very differently. When you're mad at your boss, you're probably going to bite your tongue. You know, most cases you're not going to bite his or her head off because you're mad at them for something. Your spouse on the other hand, because of the context of that relationship because it's a more intimate relationship. A lot of times, we tend to be more free with our expression of displeasure. I'm not saying it's appropriate to just like really remount your spouse, but you know you're probably going to be more likely to do that with your spouse or your best friend then an authority figure. Another example we talked about and I use these different examples because I really want people to see how different contexts and different people can affect the situation. When our clients are depressed or generalized anxiety disorder, whatever, if they have significant others who just tell them to suck it up and get over it versus someone who's empathetic. When you interact with that person and that person's reactions to you, you know, if they tell you to suck it up and get over it, you may get angry and you may push them away or you may start feeling bad and questioning yourself. Versus if they're empathetic, you may feel supported and have a little bit more energy or desire motivation to try to get keep doing what you're doing to get better. So I asked clients to list other examples after we go through those when other people's input have negatively fueled the situation. Most of us can come up with two or three things and I do this on the whiteboard because I would stop at two or three scenarios and we talk about what happened, what the other person did that fueled the situation and got you more riled up or angry. And, you know, did that do any good. And if not, what would have been more helpful. And then we finish up the group because I always like to end on a positive note, because this is what we're moving for examples when other people's input have helped you feel supported. So when have you talked to somebody and shared a situation or, you know, whatever's going on, and you came out of it feeling like you were understood and supported. Now my boss used to do that. This my old boss. And, you know, I love him I don't know how he ever did it but I would go into his office and I would just be furious, and I would sit down I'd be like Richard, something's got to change. And I would tell him what was going on. And I would propose a couple of solutions. And he'd say something like yeah it sounds like something needs to change, you know, and, you know, somehow during that course, I would deescalate because I felt like I was being heard. And I would walk out of his office. I'd get about halfway down the hallway feeling I've been heard things are going to change. And then I'd stop and I'd be like wait a minute. Nothing changed. All he did was paraphrase me. But it helped me kind of get a clearer head, and then I would go back into his office and I'd be like, All right, you know that's not going to work. So which of these things, you know, do you think is going to have the best chance of, you know, making it through senior management or, or working in this particular situation. It's interesting how the situations were different. And just feeling feeling hurt and for a lot of our clients that's all they need. Before you can be honest with and effectively interact with others in a way that meets your needs, you need to know how the situation and prior experiences are impacting you. So I have clients list. Different situations and prior experiences that they think impact them. There are certain authority figures that you have either a positive or negative relationship with it. Like I said, I came from cops. So I tend to have a positive relationship and a positive view of law enforcement work. When you walk into a certain type of situation, or even, you know, some people hate hospitals, when you walk into a hospital and you smell that hospital smell, and you hear the hospital sounds. It doesn't impact you. My son was a micro preemie so I spent the better part of two months in a hospital. So I started to develop a pretty benign response to hospitals I don't have the same response of every time you go in there somebody's dying or dead or, you know, mortally wounded or something. But that's me that's how I react to hospitals and it's important for people to understand what their triggers are. There are chaotic environments. You know, if they're in one of those environments and it tends to be stressful for them, especially if they've got a history of PTSD, or they've been, you know, in law enforcement or something. If they know that, then they know that, you know, they might tend to be a little bit more snippy or snappy at people, because they're already kind of stressed. You know, the ambulance at night for people, you know, who for one reason or another have fears of being vulnerable at night can be can be threatening. When I was in college, I worked over one winter in one of the dormitories and it was abandoned. And, you know, everybody gone home, and it was up to me to just check everything make sure the heater was going and do all that kind of stuff. Big, big building, you know, it was nine floors, big windows floor to ceiling in the lobby area. And one night I got this idea, just to be snarky, I wrote red rum on all in the do on all of the windows freak myself out. Just going back to the movie The Shining triggered that memory in my head. I didn't come out of the room for the rest of the night. And some people find that, you know, some things like sleeping alone can also trigger negative self talk, because they were, they feel like if they don't have somebody sleeping with them then they're worthless. So we want to look at what's going on in your current experience that is affecting you and what you need. And clients need to know that they can trust themselves to I accurately identify their needs and respond in a way that meets them. Someone with low self esteem may seek relationships just for validation, whereas whereas someone with high self esteem may seek relationships for relationships they don't need validation so they can, they can choose healthier relationships where people with low self esteem tend to gravitate towards any relationship. Extrovert feelers versus introvert thinkers handling a problem. The extrovert feeler is going to want to talk it out and find the, find the result that makes the most people happy so there's some sort of harmony going on. The introvert thinker will probably retreat, think about the problem because they mull it over before they talk, and then they will solve it with the most logical solution. So these two people may come up with very different solutions and they do it in very different ways, but it's important for people in relationships to understand that. My husband is an introvert thinker, and I'm an extrovert feeler, and it took us a while to figure out how to navigate that whole, you know, when we got a problem, you know, he needs time to think about it, and then we can get together and talk it out. Domestic violence survivors versus non survivors in the heated argument. That's another one where domestic violence survivor may perceive loud voices and big hand gestures as threatening. Whereas a non survivor, somebody who hadn't been in that situation may not have that same connotation so may get a very different perception of what was going on in an argument, or how intense the argument really was. It's important to help people develop an awareness of themselves why they're doing what they're doing and what they need to feel safe and secure. Mindfulness is where we start, encouraging them to be mindful of their interpersonal vulnerabilities. The first one I put out is transference, and I have them list significant people in their life, you know their parents, any family members that are significant. They may teach teachers, anybody who, you know, they think about periodically, even today. And then we separate them into positive memories and negative memories, because even the negative influences influence you now they may teach you what you don't want to be around. But it's important because if you run into somebody who reminds you of that person. I have one other one person in my past who evokes a very strong negative reaction from me. And there are a couple actresses on TV that whenever I see them on TV, they evoke that same sort of sensation in my gut that I would have when I would have to interact with the person from my past. But it's important for me to understand that you know if I interacted with somebody like that in the present. You know in real life, not just an actor or actress on TV, it would be important for me to check my prior experiences at the door, so I could interact with this person in real time. Encouraging them to identify transference reactions and this can be a fun one, or it can be a not so fun one I usually start with the positive transferences. You know somebody that you encounter or you've encountered they're reminded you of your first love. You know that's an easy one most people have had that where they can they felt strong feelings of affection for someone based on something in the past. And then what situations and I asked them what situations because of your prior relationships trigger infatuation, you know, going with that first love, you know there are certain people in your past that you remember fondly so when you meet similar people in the future, you may project those feelings onto them whether they deserve them or not. So being aware of that because love may be blind but hopefully is not stupid. And we talk about how sometimes projection projecting things from the past on to people in the present have gotten gotten people in trouble, because they've assumed goodness where goodness hadn't been earned yet. What situations because of prior relationships trigger fear or anger. So that goes to those negative situations being reminded of somebody from your past that was harmful in some way. And you know I asked them to think about, are there people in your present who remind you of that person. And I think if you stop to think there's probably a lot of transference situations that you experience on a regular basis I had a professor that was the spitting image of my mother. Didn't, you know, obviously didn't act like her, but was just in her facial features and everything was the spitting image of my mother. So obviously I had a transference reaction there that I was well aware of but it's important to be aware of whether you're reacting to the person, or to your past. Counter transference. Important for clients to understand that the way you resemble somebody else's significant others if you remind them how many clients have we had that have been in relationships where one's like, don't treat me like I'm your mother I am not your mother, or I am not your father or whatever it is. We may resemble somebody from our significant others past which may trigger them to act in a certain way towards us. We can talk about situations where this has been true in group and generally the interpersonal vulnerabilities all three of those combined takes about one group. I don't spend a whole lot of time on it. Displacement. How can you differentiate between an accurate that is in the present reaction and a displaced reaction. And we talk about that for a while. Identify one time where you've gotten angry at somebody because they were a safe target. And actually I asked them to identify two times. You know you were angry at your boss, or you had a bad day at work but you came home and you took it out on your roommate, because they left the cap off the toothpaste or something minor. You know that's one of those things I want them to start being aware of because when it happens habitually it can impact their current relationships. How can you prevent this in the future. So if you know you've had a bad day, then check in yourself before you even walk in the door or when you walk in the door saying you know what I had a bad day. I need some decompression time can be helpful to preventing your roommate from becoming a convenient target. Encouraging people to identify their own needs. What are my needs and how is this situation affecting them because our needs vary from situation to situation when you're at work you have different needs than when you're at home versus when you're in the middle of Walmart. So it's important to understand what your needs are in the moment and how it's affecting you as a person, you know if you're feeling frustrated because you can't figure out where they move the broccoli to. That's going to require something completely different than if you're feeling frustrated because you haven't gotten a raise in six months. So, encouraging them to figure out if they're acting from a reaction driven autopilot fighter flea versus gold driven so if I can't find the broccoli, and I just get angry and irritable and snippy. Well that's not going to solve anything, but that is my fighter flea sort of reaction coming out. Goal driven would be to find somebody who might know where the broccoli is and ask them. And yes, I do love it when clients have that aha moment when we're going through an activity, and they're like, that makes sense. Awareness of your temperament and the temperament of others can improve communication and reduce stress. So just real quickly some of the highlights extroverts need activity, and they talk while they think this is one of the most annoying things for introverts who tend to need quiet time and then think and then talk. My husband when he's got a problem he will come home he'll go out on the porch, he'll sit down, and he'll just need quiet time, and then he'll come in and share me I come in I set my purse down I'm like oh let me tell you. And it's just how we deal with things differently I process as my, my mouth moves sensors need details and concrete data points and can put it together as they go. Intuitors need the bigger picture. And again, it irritates him, because he can watch a movie he can just pick something on Netflix and start watching it. And he's good with it. I have to find the wiki and read it I have to know what the movies about before I start reading it or I don't know what I'm looking for and it makes no sense to me. And he doesn't really quite get why I'm wired that way, but he's given up as long as I don't give away any of the spoilers were good. It's important for people, you know, to understand each other's little idiosyncrasies thinkers approach problems from a practical fix it, fix it the right way point of view. You know this is the way the manual says to do it. Feelers often want to fix it in a way that makes the most people happy to find harmony. And a lot of times feelers, they don't need somebody to fix it for them, but they do need their feelings validated. So they feel like everybody's in harmony. Okay, we're on the same page you understand that I'm devastated. All right, let's move on. In relationships, if there is a thinker and a feeler in the relationship, this can be one of the biggest helps having them understand that the feeler just needs to have that feeling identified and validated and then you can move on. You don't have to fix it for them. Matter of fact, don't try to fix it for them most of the time because they want to fix it themselves. Judgers need structure schedules and don't adapt well. It really throws us off kilter if there's a drop everything and do something different. Where perceivers need spontaneity or they get bored. So helping clients understand how to combine these. Chuck and I have come to the understanding that, you know, he needs more spontaneity so if we have, we'll have a weekend or a day set aside, where he can choose what we do. But I need to know that Saturday is going to be the family day and I've gotten to the point where I don't have to know exactly what we're doing, which is a big step for me, because I really like my schedules. So give groups the temperament summary worksheet which is in your class it's in the additional resources section, and have them brainstorm interpersonal hurdles and solutions. So I gave a description of extroverts and introverts. And so have everybody look at the extrovert and introvert list and brainstorm, you know if you've got two people that have opposing like really opposing temperaments. How can they make a relationship work. How can they walk that middle path and figure out how to compromise in a way that's meaningful, but they're not changing one another, they're learning how to synergize and work with each other strengths. And it's important you're not going to change somebody else's temperament to meet yours, you're going to have to figure out how to communicate in a way that's meaningful to them, and they in a way that's meaningful to you. My groups tend to really like this activity because it can be kind of fun they can laugh interpersonal communication skills activity one, have them start by paraphrasing a sitcom when, when somebody's arguing, or a show like Dr fill so this is really detached and it gives them practice with paraphrasing and interpreting what's going on. So maybe two after you've gone through some of those have clients identify three discussions they've had in the past that ended poorly, and they can define poorly however they want. And then we'll try retrospectively applying the interpersonal communication skills, and seeing if something might have changed if they would have handled it differently. So as we go over practice the pause, you know, take a breath, get grounded and in the present, before you go in with both barrels to make sure you're reacting to what's going on in here and now address one thing at a time, you may have a litany of done me wrongs, but one thing at a time. So listen to what the other person saying without formulating your opinion while they're talking, you know, listen to it, pause paraphrase, and then, you know, start speaking. During the pause, after they finish talking, try to take their perspective or theorize why they might be reacting the way they are. You know, if your boss snaps at you when you walk in her office, one response might be, it seems like you're really stressed out today, maybe I should come back later, versus what an awful hateful woman to completely different perspectives of what's going on and, you know, hopefully she's not an awful hateful woman she just, you know, caught her off guard. So during that pause, you might be able to go, okay, before I respond, I heard what she said, before I respond, let me kind of get some perspective on this and paraphrase what I see might be going on, and then observe the other person's verbal and nonverbal reactions to see if I'm on target. And this is what we did in counseling 101, but it's not something that people are just kind of born with. So helping them learn effective communication, not just talking at someone. Establishing trust. And I use this as a brainstorming activity. What do you need in relationships in order to establish trust. And some of the things I want them to come up with include being honest, avoiding gossip, because if you're talking behind somebody's back, then you know that they're probably talking behind your back or you know what I'm trying to say here. If somebody gossips about Jane, they're probably going to gossip about you when you're not around to and that's not a way to establish trust. Keeping your promises, prioritizing and time management. If you promise people, even with the best of intentions, you know what they say about the best intentions, but then you don't manage your time well and break those promises, it breaks trust. Keep secrets. And I put obviously within reasonable limits, you know, you're not going to keep secrets about, you know, things we have to mandatorily report or whatever. But if somebody tells you something in confidence, you know, try to keep it in confidence if it's legal and ethical. Be loyal. Be respectful. Don't take advantage. A lot of our clients tend to get in relationships where they're constantly giving, and they're getting nothing back so it's an imbalanced relationship. And I talked to them about the teeter totter. And if they have a question about a relationship, we'll actually take out, I've got a balance scale in my office and I use Legos because they're the same weights. And I talk about each thing that you've given this person or done for this person in the past six months. And then each thing that person has done for you or how they've been there for you in the past six months. And ideally, we want that balance scale to be equal. And I want them to see the differences. And if it's not equal, then we want to talk about what needs to change or why that's happening. And then gullibility. If you have a friend that takes advantage of you just because you're gullible, you know, that's not really much of a friend. So don't take advantage of people just because you know you can probably convince them to do anything you want. And apologize when you make a mistake. So when we brainstorm, these are the things that I want them to come up with, as well as anything else they have to offer. When we talk about boundaries, I introduce these boundary examples and have clients discuss how weak boundaries contribute to their stress and hurt their relationships. So boundaries I explain are like dividers between you and others. There's the wall boundary that keeps everybody out all the time. And generally we don't want that with very few exceptions. I mean there are some boundaries that we have that we just don't want anybody to ever cross. Those are our walls. Then we have some boundaries that we will let certain people in and certain people not so much. Those are our windows. And then we have other boundaries that you know we set, but we often are willing to compromise on those. And if you remember the show WKRP in Cincinnati, they didn't have real walls in that office they had tape on the floor to mark walls. And that's kind of the boundary we're talking about there. It's something someone can easily cross and it's okay for them to easily cross it. So the boundaries we talk about. If someone's mad at you, do you have to feel guilty? A lot of us are taught that yeah you do. If you don't feel guilty or if somebody's mad at you, you might be rejected so you should at least feel fearful. So we want to talk about how it's okay for people to be mad in general or even mad at you if you did what was right. Sometimes we make people mad because we can't help them when they need help moving or we do something to assert our own boundaries. And sometimes we will ask people to do something and they'll say no and we'll get mad. And that's okay for us to feel mad for a minute. So under helping clients understand that feeling setting feeling boundaries are okay. If someone doesn't like you, it doesn't mean you're unlikeable. It just means that person doesn't like you and we'll talk about you know who do you know that everybody likes I mean everybody. If something someone asks you to do something you don't have to say yes. Just because someone thinks you should do something doesn't mean it's the right choice for you. If somebody says you really should take that job, or you should go out with Sam, or whatever, you know, take it under advisement, but just because somebody thinks it's right for you doesn't mean you think it is. And that's okay, you can have your own opinions. Just because someone is unhappy doesn't mean you have to be. If you grew up in an enmeshed family a lot of times, especially in an addicted family, you felt however the addict felt. So if that person was having a bad day, nobody better be laughing. It's also true with over empathizing if you have someone and as clinicians, we empathize all day long but when you over empathize, it's almost like you get stuck in that feeling with the person and you can't get out of it. If you have a different opinion, it doesn't mean mine is wrong. So these are all boundaries that we talk about. And then we go back and talk about each one in terms of, you know, if you didn't respect this boundary, if you changed your opinion just because somebody told you you were wrong, even though you thought you were right. So how might that hurt your relationships? How might that hurt your self-esteem? Have the group create their own bill of rights and I'm not going to go through each of these. I just want them to brainstorm. And each side, I have the right to my feelings, my reactions as long as they don't hurt others verbally or physically, you know, verbal attacks are not okay either. My opinions and thoughts to be heard and respected to say yes or no to requests to limit contact if a relationship feels destructive and to have other friends and interests. You don't have to be the center of my world at all points in time. So that's the I have the right to, but I encourage them to write the I have and you have so they can see that other people have rights and relationships too. And they can refer back to this when they start having any relationship challenges. Encourage clients to describe differences they have with their friends and how they can synergize because we all have friends that are a little bit different. So it's important for them to understand that differences don't mean you can't get along, it just means you have to figure out how to make it work together. Extroverts, for example, can help introverts feel more at ease in big social situations. Sensors are better at detail oriented things. You know, when I used to write grants, I had somebody who was more detail oriented that I would pass the grant off to after I had written my part. And she would go through and make sure that all the details lined up and the bibliography was 100% correct and everything. Because I'm just not that detail oriented. My eyes start going wiggy waggy. Intuitors are better at the big picture. So, you know, she didn't want to write the big grant. She would get the grant and be like, I have no idea what to do with this. And I would get all excited trying to spend the government's money, but whatever. Judges can keep things on schedule and running smoothly. You know, we like our schedules, we like our deadlines, we like our alarms on our mobile devices. But perceivers adapt well to unplanned events. So, when I get a flat, my husband can, you know, figure out, all right, you know, what we need to do here. You know, I'm sitting there going, I'm not going to make my schedule. And he's like, well, tires flat, let's figure out how to, how to solve this problem. And he has to kind of jar me out of my schedule. And I know this about myself. Now, I use temperament because that's some of the most obvious examples of synergy. But other examples you can have them talk about if it's safe to go, go add in your group. Conservatives versus liberals, how can they synergize versus kill each other. Blue collar versus white collar, very different skill sets, but why do we need both types of jobs in order to make the world go round. Conservative versus practical. How do you synergize these, these two types of people. And in a work setting, it's great, you need some creative people but you also need the practical people to ground it and operationalize it. Same thing in life, basically. So you can come up with different yin and yang, if you will, and have clients brainstorm, and you can even ask them what are some differences you have with your friends and discuss how you can make those work in a synergistic way. Create a win-win by making sure to identify not only how your request benefits you, it would help me out if you, but also it benefits the other person. And I usually give this, these examples as a handout, but for example, if you let my dogs out this weekend, I'll watch yours next weekend or when you go on vacation. If you would call if you're going to be late, it would help me be less stressed when you get home. I want to go out with my friends this weekend, so you can have the place to yourself or have the guys over for poker. You know, you can make different suggestions and compromise, not really compromises, but helping the person see how it benefits them too. I'm really tired from work. It would help me out a lot if you would pick up pizza. That comes out a lot better than calling up your significant other on the phone and going, hey, pick up pizza on the way home. Generally, you'll get the pizza either way, but it comes across nicer if you present it as a win-win. And I'll go to you. If you go to my family's for Thanksgiving, I'll go to yours for Christmas. It's another one of those common struggles that couples often have. So creating a win-win, figuring out how to make it work for everybody. Saying no or making a request. Now, Linahan has multiple levels. I usually use three. I find it's a lot simpler. Insist. I might be willing to reconsider if it's absolutely necessary or I really don't want to, but okay. And when we're talking about saying no. So there are certain things like somebody making inappropriate advances in the workplace. That was one of those walls that you would put up and, you know, no, that's not going to happen. If somebody asked you to watch their pets for the fifth weekend in a row, you might refuse firmly. You know, I just, I can't. I've been watching your dogs for the last five weekends. But, you know, you really like Fido, so you might reconsider. All right, I'll do this one more time, but I can't do it anymore after this. Or express unwillingness, but say yes. If somebody asked you to give them a ride to the airport. I really have a lot to do, but if you can't find anybody else, I will do it. The same thing kind of goes with making a request and you need to ask directly. Don't hint around. Ask firmly and insist if it's something that has to be done. Like my kids doing their lessons. There is no negotiation there. It needs to be done today. Ask firmly, but resist if they say no. I really need you to, from my son this weekend, I need you to trim the hedges for me this weekend. And he kind of hemmed and hawed and everything and I was like, I need you to do it because we need to get it done. And we compromised. And finally I said, okay, you've done a lot of other stuff this weekend so you can do it on Wednesday. The temperature is going to be cooler and you can do it on Wednesday before martial arts. Or making a request that you don't really have a horse in the game. Ask tentatively and say no if you want to go out tonight. For me, turning on a dime like that, if I hadn't already planned to go out tonight, that would throw me for a loop. So, you know, if somebody asked me that they need to be prepared to take a no. Can I explain a little bit more the difference between ask firmly insist and ask firmly resist ask firmly and insist means it's something that has to be done. The government, the IRS asks us to pay our taxes. There's no option there. It's, it's a done deal. Ask firmly but resist if they say no would be you ask them they say no and you start bargaining creating that win win compromising negotiating think car salesman they really want to make that sale. So they're asking you to buy it and they're going to resist letting you walk off the lot. They're not going to ask tentatively. And if you say no go okay well have a nice day. Jealousy can be spread expressed as anger at someone else for something that they have that you want. So I encourage clients we put these four things up on the board, and I asked them, you know, what do these things mean. What do you think having power says about the person and what not having power says about you why does why is why can you be jealous or why are you jealous over someone who has more power than you do. In what ways is not having power a threat to you. And then I want you to give me specific examples of when you have been when someone else has had power and you've been jealous and tell me was it a threat based on actual facts. And think about what do they have to do to get that power and is it worth it to you. I mean there are people who are really successful in business, but they had to work 100 hours a week for, you know, 1015 years, and they had to sacrifice time with their family and time at hobbies and other things that I haven't been willing to sacrifice. So, maybe they have more power in a bigger company, but they may not have some of the other things that I attribute to a rich and meaningful life. So we go through those questions one at a time for each of power money attractiveness and spouse or significant other because these are the three four areas that that jealousy often comes up. Resentments, I encourage clients to identify three things you hold on to resentment for and apply the questions that we're going to talk about. So think about three things you you hold you're holding on to resentment for resentment can talk be thought of as anger at someone else for something you feel they should have done and didn't or should not have done and did. Remember that resentment is another response to a threat. So what do you think that person's behavior says about you. So if somebody canceled plans at the last minute and you resent them for doing that. What does that behavior say about you maybe that you think it says you're not important that you're being disrespected. In what way is this behavior a threat to you. Do you feel like maybe it means that that person doesn't respect you and is abandoning you. Is this a threat based on actual facts or maybe they canceled plans the last minute because their car actually did break down or some some other intervening factor. So what other factors might have contributed to the person's choice that might inform our decision about whether this is worth being resentful over. Nurturing relationships encourage clients to learn about the other person's temperament because that is so important to effective communication and learn about their love language. And I say be aware of extremes because if somebody needs constant words of affirmation that's kind of going to alert your spidey senses that they may have some underlying self-esteem issues that they need constant validation. You know within reason what helps people feel loved and supported and cared for words of affirmation is one so saying kind words. Leaving little notes here and there can go a long way with certain people acts of service doing things to just help them out because you think it would be nice to do. Getting gifts you know some people like gifts I'm not big on gifts that's not mine but so it's important for people to understand that not everybody is big on getting gifts. Quality time spending quality time together and you got to define what that means sitting on the couch watching a football game may not be quality time for you. And physical touch is this a way to communicate affection and support and love for some it is for some who didn't grow up in a touchy feely family. It may not be it may be kind of annoying so talking with them about what they perceive how they express love and affection know about their interests. And once you figure these out about your significant others and I say others because it's not just your spouse it's your kids it's your friends etc. Then figuring out how to work these into your day to day relationship activities. I encourage the client for clients for homework to identify the temperament love language and interests of all the significant people in their life. And then the next session when they come back we discuss how this information will be used to nurture their relationships. So how can they start giving words of affirmation more frequently texts little sticky notes what what are they going to do. You can also put flip chart sheets around the room and brainstorm how to speak the love languages because sometimes people. You know they hear acts of service they're like well I don't really know what I would do so get everybody involved to figuring out how to give acts of service. Nurturing relationships also involves compromise. And communicating in a meaningful way, and that means so both people feel heard and understood. Interpersonal interactions combine all aspects of yourself with the aspects of the situation. Many clients never developed healthy boundaries or even awareness of what they wanted and needed and the impact of situations on them so they're just kind of floating on autopilot. Healthy relationships help clients get their needs met and reduce stress and help them appreciate differences while giving and getting respect. Alrighty everybody thank you very much for being here today and I will see you on Thursday. If you want to stick around for the Q&A I am here for you. Otherwise, you know, I look forward to seeing you next time. If you enjoy this podcast please like and subscribe either in your podcast player or on YouTube. You can attend and participate in our live webinars with Dr. Snipes by subscribing at allCEUs.com slash counselor toolbox. This episode has been brought to you in part by allCEUs.com providing 24-7 multimedia continuing education and pre-certification training to counselors, therapists and nurses since 2006. 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