 How do you cope with being the less successful sibling of a traditional Asian family, a.k.a. being the black sheep? Yeah, we've got to talk about this Reddit thread from Asian American Reddit that says, are any of you guys the less successful sibling? How do you cope with it in the inevitable comparison by your parents? This person goes on to detail that their older brother is quite a bit more successful than him. He's married, he has a family, his house is worth twice as much, while I am still single and work a stable, decent, paying government job. He's very extroverted and sociable, whereas I am introverted in my hobbies. I just like to lift weights in my home gym and play games. My parents always brag about him at family events, since he's on the other side of the state. I can't even make it to most family gatherings. How do you guys deal with this? I know my parents never say it outright, but even I can tell they think that he is more successful. Yeah, I mean, this is tough. I guess we're going to go through a lot of the comments section, because Reddit had a lot of suggestions. I guess we'll just go through some of our thoughts. I'm not saying I'm a pro therapist on this topic, but I guess we're going to try to help. Yeah, I mean, this has got to be common, right? Because I've seen everything happen from all kids in a family fail to all kids be successful to it being one up, one down, one up, one down. You just see like every single sort of pattern take place. I'll tell you this, man. People oftentimes, Andrew, they either get rejected, dismissed, tolerated, accepted, or embraced in a given system. Those are my five levels. Rejected, dismissed, tolerated, accepted, embraced, but every family values things differently at different points in life. Some people, they really want you to embrace you or accept you in your early life. You have to get good grades, but then there's your family life, and then there's how much you are participating in the larger family environment. So you know what I mean, there's three levels. It's like your career, your academic career, and then like all the other intangibles, like are you giving the parents grandchildren or making the holidays fun or participating in family events? Right. So I guess, I mean, this person sounds like they probably were in a family system that doesn't have those other two aspects as much, but pretty much ranks their kids on like either academic or career success, and they feel lesser than their brother. Well, actually, to be honest, in all three aspects. Right. Right. Right. I guess my overarching questions for people like this, and there's no quick fix because, but ultimately it's like, what were the expectations from your family and from yourself? And do you need to care what your family thinks? Right. And for a lot of people, it makes them feel bad, but also for a lot of people who didn't do the right things or didn't try very hard. Now you're at a point in your life where you're not as successful and you're feeling bad about it. But I'm like, well, you had the choices to, but now if you're happy with your life, then just be happy with it. And you cannot worry about what your family thinks because you're a full grown adult. Right. But this person does sound like they're possibly depressed about it. I'm unsure. It doesn't seem like they're super effusive describing their situation. And again, maybe that's why they're making this post on Reddit to see if anybody else feels that way just to feel like that they're not alone. And the truth is they're not alone. There's plenty of people who feel this exact way because also growing up in a traditional Asian family can be a lot of pressure. Yeah. And I do think that the one aspect that I will say before we get into the comments section that oftentimes is overlooked Andrew, in a traditional first generation immigrant family, Andrew, if there is a kid that potentially has something non-neurotypical about them, it may never be identified and addressed. And I think that sometimes that's a huge detriment in the sense that there can be medications, there can be therapy that is oftentimes more effective taken earlier than later. That's true. Yeah. So anyway, let's just get into the comments section. Somebody said, on my dad's side, I'm seen as the failure if I compare him to like what, you know, like my dad did or his uncles and their uncle's kids. But on my mom's side, I'm one of the more successful ones because a bunch of my cousins on my mom's side ended up on drugs and then never even moved out of the house. So even though I don't have like a super sick, brag-able Asian career, it really depends on whether I compare myself to my mom's siblings or my dad's siblings kids. Success is all relative to your expectations and also where you started from. That's a good point. Somebody said, you know, for me, I'm only making $30,000 a year, but one of my siblings owns six houses. My other brother is a surgeon and I tend to be very scatterbrained. I have three degrees and seven certificates, but it led to nothing. I had a bunch of relationships, but I'm still a virgin. I have ADHD and I'm highly intelligent on tests, but I just cannot get my life together. Well, how about this? You know, sometimes, sometimes, and I guess if you're just not like a successful individual, you can be a success for the family. You can be helpful to the family. You can be a good uncle to your nephews and nieces. You can be a good brother, help them out. I'm sure they will appreciate it because I think usually in a family, people are still counting what you're adding. If you're not adding the accolades, as in like the degrees and the money and stuff like that, then the family still wants you to see you add something. You know what I mean? Man, it's a tough situation because obviously we're not like the actual paid psychiatrists or psychologists to analyze these people, but I would say, just find a way to actually have some long-term serotonin and short-term dopamine without being destructive to yourself or others around you, maybe with or without your family. It really depends. Like, do you make your family's life easier or harder by being where you're at? You know what I mean? This person says, I just see it as less pressure on me to be the black sheep. I take it as a license to explore, be more creative, wild, lazy. I don't have any kids like my brothers and sisters. That means less responsibility. I've always sort of been an outlier in my family marching to the beat of my own drum. It can be kind of tough, but I had to embrace it eventually as long as you're happy. Yeah? Dude, you know, other people are talking about how, you know, they had a very, very bad depression and sort of like anxiety growing up. They had to be in medication, go to special programs. So ultimately, even though they got older and they're not more successful than their brothers and their sisters, everybody's so proud of them because of the odds that they beat from the probability of their situation. I guess of that young being diagnosed with that situation. Right, right, right. Yeah. I mean, does that go to your point of like, everybody has a starting, as a different starting point. Yeah, where'd you start? Where are you expected to be from where you started? Yeah, if you're from like a really good educated family, you're probably expected to go to get some type of high education. But if you're starting from a family who, you know, didn't have much and didn't have much formal education, it's like, I'm sure the bar on those metrics are lower, but maybe the bar is higher for family aspect. Yeah. And there's even more internal things like self-actualization that's almost like your internal soul that only you are even aware of. And maybe you might have got to do something even become aware of it, even when inside of yourself. These are completely outside of trackable visual metrics or analytics. Somebody's saying, my sister's way more successful than me and I am over the moon happy that she is successful and happy. Jealousy is stupid. She's my sister and I love her. She understands that and she loves me too. And other people are saying that like, I'm the least successful person in my family and including my extended cousins. But at the end of the day, I'm still respected for being responsible, a decent communicator and creative. And you know, I just feel like love to be me. And I thought, man, these people are really well adjusted. Do you think that that's common? Or is it just like, how does one develop this attitude from these first generation families where oftentimes hard metrics and hard success analytics are so valued? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's tough because I just think, I guess, I guess the truth is you make it up in other ways. It's the best way I could put it. Somebody says, it sounds like your parents like to praise your brother as a way of feeding their own ego and look good in front of others. Basically, society tells us we need to be happy by being mega successful and rich. But if you are personally happy with your stable job, that matters more because ultimately you live for yourself and not for the validation of other people. Yeah, I do think that, but I do think we're talking about Asian families. So it's tough because you're over that filial piety will always be a little bit there. I mean, like your soul is at least in part my soul, at least one extended lineage of souls, like a list versus being like parsed out horizontally. I guess like, dude, if your family sees that you're happy, that you're fit, that you're healthy, that even if you only make, you know, not that much money a year, but like you're always bringing good vibes to the family, I think it's good. I think they're gonna see it, man. They're gonna count it. They're gonna count it, man. But should you even live for the validation of family? No, you don't have to. But I'm just saying if you do, then you have to do something. Dude, a planet fitness membership is pretty cheap and you get the platinum upgrade with the sauna for like 18 bucks a month. You'd be the best looking person you and all your cousins. There's just no way that you're going to still shame yourself because you value those metrics and you're not going to rank high. Then you just have to change the game. Just have to change the game, change the metrics. Somebody said you want to be respected by your family. You need to start telling them how you feel. You're an adult, so talk like an adult now. And somebody said, are you serious? Your traditional Chinese parents do not give AF about your feelings. The bottom line is your bank account is what matters. Emotional support is non-consistent. It's non-existent. So basically somebody was saying that they finally became successful after parents passed away. So it was like kind of crazy for them because they were like struggling and they had to take all the disappointment and the talks and those blank stares that your parents give you when you're not living up to them. And then they only made it after they passed away and I guess they got some issues from that. Oh, man. Yeah. Well, I hope they get over that too. Bro, get some therapy, find an Asian therapist. I always tell you, would you agree, man Andrew, you got to find an Asian therapist who understands these first generational immigrant survival, striving to thrive with dynamics because it's such a unique situation. I'm not saying no other therapist could understand it, but as a lower probability. Somebody said, the most important thing is to not let any sort of hierarchy that your parents rank you with hurt your relationships with your siblings. So basically this guy was just like, man, at the end of the day, I was the favorite sibling growing up. I always got the best grades and it turned out 20 years later, our brother who did the worst at school and went to community college ended up having the best career. So he was like saying it was like, which it's different at different eras who was like the favorite son. Yeah. Yeah. Ultimately Andrew, what do you think about this comment? Because there was a lot of people, there was a bunch of comments I didn't even, you know, wasn't even able to fit into the thread. There's like so many people and this is not like, I say this, it's not really true for our family, but I've definitely witnessed it. I've witnessed it in people that I know. There's just so many different ways to be successful, man. And I think that if you only imagine success in one singular path and you rank low on that path or you're behind in that path, then you will always feel bad. But if you know yourself and you're like, listen, I may never be as conventionally as successful as my siblings and my parents probably don't love that, but I can be like a really good family member or I can do something cute for the family or do something fun for the family or at least be a good brother. Maybe my parents will never love me like them, but at least I have good relationships with my other siblings. But you know, sometimes it goes the other way, Andrew. We know a guy who is a lawyer from like Vanderbilt, like a pretty good law school and he has a better career than his art school sister, but the parents much more find the art school sister of an enjoyable person to be around and he resents her because he has more higher analytics, but the parents prefer the sister. Right. Not all parents only care about the dollar amount. It's just true. Some parents just want to see their kid be a nice, fun, like an enjoyable, affable person, right? Like a likable, pleasing person. Yeah. Yeah. I will say this. I do think sometimes Asians, especially from the older generation, they treat life like rainbow road on Mario Kart 64. You know how you can fall off the rainbow road, but then I feel like Western people, they treat life more like Mario Kart eight deluxe on DS. You know how there's like a upper upper track and a lower track and a mid track. Like it starts to get real meta. Like there's more past to life. So if you fall off the main path, you just go on another path. I mean, there's got to be some way you can help your parents out and just be like, Hey, mom and dad, what can I help you with? Or can I help you do this? And then just like help them do it. And you know, just at least provide, I guess, some more like specific value to send them articles on iMessager, whatever we chat or whatever you guys are using. I said, I noticed when sometimes the Asian kid is the black sheep man early about it, they can kind of like develop this self identity of being low ranked and having this outsider status and they give up on everything and maybe they go retreat to the video game world to have some sort of dominance or a ladder to rise up the hierarchy of. I just don't recommend that. Like you said, find something else. There are plenty of ways to live a great life with like making the 40k a year or something like that. You just got to be a little bit, you know, do some more research on how to distribute it. Yeah. Alright, everybody, let us know in the comments down below. Is this something that you've seen or something that you've been through or some something that might ring true for your family? Either way, let us know how this person can cope with being the less successful, possibly less likable sibling. But I mean, listen, your life's not over. There's a lot of things that you can do. So anyways, hit that like button and let us know in the comments down below. Hopefully this discussion was helpful. And until next time, we out. Peace.