 whoosh whoosh. I don't know why I did that, I just wanted to do that. I don't even know what I'm doing today. My dear, I'm filming a video talking about visual hallucinations of my experience and what it's like to live with them. Hello, hi. Welcome back guys. If you're new here, hit the subscribe button. I'm a weirdo and I'm a mental health content. This video is one that I kind of wanted to make a while ago but never actually made and I don't actually have a reason as to why I never made it. I just didn't. I'm in a really strange mood today. What's good? Today I'm talking to you about my own experience with visual hallucinations. Anyone who doesn't know me? Hi, I'm Lydia. I'm 20. Not for much longer. 21 soon. Yay. I have been diagnosed with mental health issues for over five years now. It's continued a lot of my life. Today I'm talking about something that has impacted me since childhood. Something that has now been confirmed as being part of a dissociative disorder that I'm diagnosed with, which is known as derealisation. I'm also diagnosed with personalisation. They are both dissociative disorders and they are the main things that contribute to my hallucination. Obviously, like BVD and anxiety doubt also play into what I've been told. The main cause of it is the dissociative side of things, which makes sense. It makes sense. Anyone who does not dissociative disorder, it is a dissociative disorder is where one dissociates from a situation, which basically means disconnects from a situation around them. It's very common among PTSD and can also be a part of the mental health conditions such as mood disorders, psychotic disorders and personality disorder. And obviously, dissociative disorders. Hi. I'm existing over here. I also die when I am. Well, also, bing to you too. Damn. The only good thing about where I live in London is you don't hear sirens when I film, which means there's no problem with sirens when I film. The only problem is the underground, which is over the left and it's loud. I could go out and film just there. I have no reason to sit in film doors. Other than it's cold. Like it's very cold. Do I go out? No. Do I go out? Maybe. This is a video that I put onto a poll thing on my channel. If you don't know what I mean, hit the little notification bell. I have the community tab now on my channel, meaning I can post polls, pictures, previews and all that stuff. I'm considered a creator now. Thank you, YouTube, for acknowledging my existence. I appreciate you. The poll part on the page has, for now, at this current moment I've had a hundred votes. A lot of votes. First, I think I need to define what a visual hallucination is, so you know and so would clear throughout this video, so you don't have to keep checking your definition while I'm talking. A visual hallucination is where you see something that isn't really there. To me, what happens for me is I see things merging and moving and transforming. And the first time that I ever noticed this happen, I made a video and I will link that in the description down below. Visual hallucinations are scary. And I'm not talking about some LSD trip. I'm not talking about some drug trip. I'm talking about real psychiatric issues. I'm not talking about drugs and drug trips and LSD and all that crap. I think he's wrong. I will never, never, never, never, never support drug use. Just because personal experience with drugs, for me, visual hallucinations are pretty much a daily thing. I live with it on a daily basis. If throughout the day I tend to be okay because it's not as bad, but at night when I'm in a drug room and I filmed a clip when my last little episode happened with this major, so it terrified me. It was horrible. I see the shadows move. The thing that scares me of these is the hand ones. Like the hands or something that I see you like, like that. Like I see that but there's no one there. Like physically no one can be in here. There is some security in this bloody building. Like my door is always locked. My window is definitely closed and I have a flat in student halls that have got like a stupid amount of security. No one could physically be in here to do that. So I put the hands through and why would anyone want to do that? Why would anyone want to put shadows on my wall for me to see them? They would want to go on the floor and you know, yeah me. The issue with this is it terrifies me. And there was one incident in Lancashire where it was the worst and it's never been as bad as that moment. That night was single handedly the most terrifying thing that ever happened to me. It was horrible. It was hard. It was easily the most terrifying experience I've ever had with hallucinations. That's a lot to say because I've had some pretty intense experiences and like I say, this happens on a day basis. I see shadows moving and things like making like turning into different shapes and I see that every day. That's my norm. I can deal with that. I can live with it but this one episode I was asleep. I had fallen asleep and I woke up about two o'clock in the morning and in my flat there was but I had an ensuite which appeared locked from the inside. You can only lock them doors from the inside. My bedroom door was locked. My window was open and I woke up and I just kept seeing this door open. Imagine it's this. I'll recreate it a little bit over my door. I'm a film student but how can I read it? Like you know what I mean. I'll just demonstrate what went on. So I was lying in my bed and the door kept opening and this hand kept coming through and I swear to you it literally like the shadow of a hand came through the door, clicked on the light switch for the bathroom and obviously the light was already on in the bathroom but it flicked it on and it came back in and I threw something at it and then it did it again and then it locked itself from the inside. I literally heard the door lock and my thought was I was like what the fuck? Who's in that? I started shouting and I was like get the fuck out of my room, get the fuck out of my room, what are you doing? Get the fuck out, get out my room, get out my room, get out my room and I was so afraid. I was crying. I was, I was a mess you know. I was terrified of what my mind had constructed because it was so real. It was, it was happening and it was scary and I kept seeing like these little snowflake things dropping down. I kept seeing like water pouring in and I kept feeling like rain drops hitting my arm and seeing nothing and I was panicking. I was crying, I was panicking, I was terrified and the first thing I did after screaming for about five minutes was I picked up my phone and I phoned my building security and I was like does someone in my fucking bathroom? And someone in there they keep, they keep doing something, they're gonna do something and they're gonna do something and he came up and he opened the door and he's like it's not even locked Lydia, what? So I was like they locked everything inside. I was like there's someone, there's gotta be. I was like I saw them, I physically saw them and took me into the kitchen and my flat and I was very, hello Mr. Fly, goodbye Mr. Fly. I was so panicked and so afraid and terrified and I was crying. I was, I can't put into words how fearful I was in that moment because I was like but there's gotta be. I didn't, I couldn't believe that my mind was kind of struggling. I still didn't at the time like I ended up going to rainy. The security phone ambulance because it was very obvious that I was not with it and I appreciate that. I do. Like a lot of people appreciate that. I was an emotional mess that day. I wasn't even there. I was like I literally, I was, I don't understand emotions very well. I don't cry around people. I don't, I don't have that kind of emotion in me. I find it very hard to be that that like it's upset and terrified as I was. I was crying and to get me to a point where I'm phoning someone else to say hey this isn't gonna happen to me. Someone's gonna do something that's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. I was not only was I irrational, I was seeing it like it physically happened but it didn't. Like to see your own door opening and then see a shadow hand come through it like was terrifying and I haven't had anything that intense happen since then because thankfully my bathroom is behind my bed now which thank the lord. That episode is something I haven't really spoke about on here before because it has so much. There's so much emotion in it and it's a very real thing that happened and now what happens for me is like I will see shadows but I'll see them coming from like walls. Like there'll be a wall. I don't know if there's a wall. I'll see like hands going through there. I'll see movements. I'll see the walls bending in and moving and shaking and that's what I see physically every night and it's kind of why I don't like going out alone. And I think because I have to do something to distract from the shadows I do only, I am fortunate I only really have it with shadows. There are sometimes where I see like flashing colors and balls of light and whatever but I can disconnect from that. I do know that that's not real. The shadow thing is it's quite a hard thing to comprehend and it goes on all the time and like I said it's a very it was a real moment. That was at that point when that whole episode happened when I saw someone opening my door and flicking the lights which and locking the door from the inside I physically heard this door lock and I saw the door lock go across but it didn't. It didn't happen at all. Like the building security appears in the symphony. It's like Lydia and there's no one there. Like there's nothing going on like what and I was crying. I was like there's someone in there that I to be in that much emotional pain and at that point I was like I can't even trust me and thought so what if it's playing tricks. I got so irrational so quickly and it was around the time that I was really struggling with mental health as a lot of you guys know I had a bit of a hellish start of the year. I started I mean January to July but I'm doing good now and that moment happened it happened around three to four days before my last admission to hospital which as you guys know was the most intense thing that happened to me in July. That episode was a huge point in my life where I was like I can't even trust why I see and to honestly to live with it it's it's hard because there are times where I have to get reassurance from people around me I'm like I don't trust shadows that sounds really bad to say I don't trust shadows because like I said my mind makes things transform shapes which is a normal part of the conditions I'm diagnosed with like don't be wrong it's a completely normal thing for me to feel but it's a very normal thing to deal with with the conditions I have and yes I could go on medication to help however it would mean stopping all the other medication I'm on which helps a lot like when it's minor I can deal with it. If it got ever got any worse then yes I would like go on medication for that. Seeing shadows move it's not the worst and I'm not saying that I like have this major thing now it's nothing serious or major it's my daily life I say it's very hard for me because shadows me they don't seem real because when I look at a shadow it never looks like I think it's supposed to be reflecting like the image of like if I was to make a shadow with my laptop I've all demonstrate this. What I see is it's quite hard to explain that right? I just can't really demonstrate. Both sides were waving and shaking like I said I don't trust shadows because what I see isn't accurate I know it's not accurate like that's why I'm capable of living like that. I'm gonna play you a small clip from a few nights ago and you'll see what it's like when I'm the thing is when I'm tired and when I haven't slept I'm feeling emotionally down it obviously inevitably is worse as with any mental health condition if you're not doing well it's going to be worse like that's just that. I filmed this a hallucination episode and I said what I saw and I said how it made me feel and I filmed the wall and I have rewatched the footage I know what it's like and it does show you exactly what I mean I don't know what you're doing because it scares me it's gonna shadow your stomach and your tummy and change your shape can you see it behind you see shadowing me down the hill and all that can I see it? I think it means. All I want you to know is if you are struggling with it and I don't know how many of you are honestly it's not so when I talk about much so I'm presuming not that many of you will maybe you do I don't know. This is a very real thing that I struggle with and I know what other people do too I've spoken to some hello fly. This fly just like seems to want it's like facetime like hallucinations are easily scary like they are terrifying. The main issue I've had is I can't turn around and talk to my mum about it because my mum doesn't understand my mum thinks dissociating is the same as hallucinating so try to explain the differences and explain what hallucination is to it that is what hallucinations are like to me. As for hearing voices and stuff I only have that kind of hallucination when I'm when I'm not learning medication or if I'm very suicidal if I'm suicidal I'm probably hallucinating as well. Hi Mr. Fly, that is all I've got for you guys today if you would like to hear more stories let me know in the comments down below. Very happy to carry on doing it I'm where I start doing more storylines we're doing a vlogmas this year kill me now but yeah I'm also going to be doing some Christmas themed videos which I've already got planned out. If you are new here hit the subscribe button leave a like comment and subscribe I start Serenity's Outro for a third time I'm a great person I'm a great girlfriend though you don't know who Serenity is Serenity is my girlfriend. If you haven't already bought my book it's a thing I have a book I wrote a book the link's in the description down below and make sure you have the notifications turned on because you'll be able to vote in which video you want to see next. I hope you're doing amazing and I will see you guys soon with a new video. Also even more the fact my hands are red. I dive my hair obviously. Anyway I'm gonna go and edit this and the bloopers and then cry. Follow me on my socials that's what I need to do. Follow me on my socials I could never be a beauty guru though let's be real I could never be a beauty guru. I'm too much of a flop for that. Every time you use the flop, your brain. No my brain's knowing at the moment. I hope you are doing amazing and I wish you all the best for the current future. That was a very weird outro. I need to leave. I need to just stop. Bye guys!