 Reading and carrying around the book at school was like placing a big target over you. Nah, more like a big sign that said, hey, please grab my head and dunk it inside of the nearest toilet you can find. As a lot of you already know, throughout school I used to enjoy reading all types of novels, manga, vampire romance, shonen, action adventure, you name it. What you don't know is the mission impossible shit I had to do just to acquire these books. If you wanted to develop your reading skills, you had to strategically plot out when you were going to make an attack on the library. Cause a lot of the kids in my school, right, they already existed to make your life a living nightmare. You know, that was a given. But every now and then, they get a bit tired of it. You know, after lowering the self-esteem of one-fifth of the school population, they'd usually get exhausted around midday. But them seeing a kid having the audacity to enjoy a book, it awoken this beast in them. It rejuvenated their prowess. Man, turning all these kids into potential self-harm victims, it really does take a toll on you. If I do say so myself, bro, tell me about it. I think I'm done for today. Wait. Hold up. That smells like... That smells like someone reading the twelfth chapter of a Stephanie Meyer romance novel. And it's the worst one in the series, too! Now I'm ten times more ignorant. It was like Fahrenheit 451 up in that bitch. But you know, instead of the books getting roasted, it'd be you instead. There was one book that was permissible by the congregation of high school no-lives, though. It encouraged even. Diary of a Wimpy Kid. That book was like crack cocaine for kids. All it took was just a few pages. You'd have a child hooked on it. Begging and rolling around on the floor for the parents to spend their entire college tuition on the rest of the series. Everyone enjoyed it. Didn't matter what your standing on the social hierarchy was. Didn't matter what your reading level was. You know, you could be a kid that finished books in two hours. Or you could be a kid that, you know, had the reading speed of twelve words per hour. Everyone loved it. You know, Tosso was a godsend. But to the tutors and staff of the school, it was a plague. A plague they wanted to see be exterminated and sealed away for thousands of years. The teachers, especially the English teachers, they really had a problem with it, you know? They wanted us to read, yeah, but they wanted us to read those curriculum-mandated books like Hatchet or The Giver. And they got even more frustrated seeing kids read it during class time. So teachers, you know, they did what they did best whenever they saw children having fun. They said, enough is enough. It's time to put our foot down. And it came together and came up with a solution. The next day we went to school, we heard the principal over the intercom. Recently, there's been an increase in kids reading books during class time. More notably, the books from the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series. From now on, anyone caught reading these books will have their eyeballs gouged out. That's right. If we catch you reading that shit, we're gonna grab you little kitty eyelids, grab a stapler, and staple your fucking eyelids, dare I sock it over and over again! In fact, I see a kid in the hallway reading something right now. Come here! What? No, this is just my science textbook! Please! But! Ah! Ah! Teachers scoured the lens, you know, searching far and wide for children that dare oppose the D.O.W.K. book band. When they caught you, they didn't even make a big deal out of it either, you know? The punishment came down quick, swift, and efficiently. One second you'd be hiding in the bathroom stall, looking at a page in the book thinking, oh, I'm safe. There's no way they could find me in here. The next second, all you saw was all white. He's hit with a flashbang! Moving with the staplers! Go! Go! Go! That's when us kids decided to improvise, you know? We weren't gonna let these old flea bags tell us we couldn't enjoy our favorite book series. We developed code words, secret handshakes, and tunnels within the school tech in an exchange trade and read D.O.W.K. books. It was like the speakeasies from back in the prohibition era. Kids were hired as wardens and lookouts to alert us any time teachers were approaching. This was a community-wide change, you know, not just an in-school sort of thing, because we even had niggas in trench coats that usually sold weed and guns to kids, pulling up with rodric rules and dog days in their jacket pockets. And for a while, the school had no idea what was lurking beneath it. You know, everything was calm, everything was peaceful. Don't ask, don't tell, you know? Only till the school snitches found out that everything started toppling down. They ran straight to the principal to lap up the dirt from under his nutsack. They're eating diarrhea for Wimpy Kid! They're eating diarrhea for Wimpy Kid! The precautions the school took to prevent any more reading of the books were cruel, inhumane, and downright unnecessary. They got extra funding from the government to begin training attack dogs to sniff out diarrhea for Wimpy Kid books. And maybe they went a little bit too far with the patrol robots that would scan you to see if you had any diarrhea for Wimpy Kid residue on you. And if you did, you just get vaporized on the spot. It seemed like all hope was lost. This was it, you know? There was no point in trying anymore, because the school was always one step ahead of us. And we thought that that was the worst of it. The principal came on the intercom one last time. Starting tomorrow, all students and teachers will line up in the gymnasium to have their eyeballs gouged out, regardless if you've read diarrhea for Wimpy Kid books or even know what it is. That way, we'll ensure no one ever reads it again. Or reads anything ever again for that matter! Mr. Principal, I think that's kind of illegal for us to do- Ah! My eyes! We weren't just gonna let him get away with this. You know, come the day of the eye gouging, both teachers and students side by side with pitchforks and torches headed towards the school chanting, shouting for the principal to come outside and stop his tyranny. He walked outside with two staplers in his hand, and he spoke at the top of his voice. Well, well, well. Seems like we have a bit of insubordination going on here. What you're doing is fucked, bro. How did enjoying a silly little kid's book even get to this point? It just doesn't even make any sense. It's not about the book. It's about sending a message. Also, doesn't his fight seem a bit unfair? I mean it's your fault for taking it this far. Oh, I didn't mean unfair for me. Wait, what? When I say this man was fast, this man was fast. See, he was on some moderate Uchiha type shit. No matter how many times we tried to attack him, he just deflected and used it against us over and over again. It was a complete massacre. Ten minutes passed, and the principal took every copy of the book off of the bodies piled up on the ground. He threw the books into the fire, and he got to the last person alive, me. Trembling, clutching my diary roomby kid volume one in my hand as he approached me. I just handed it over to him. You know, I wasn't trying to get hit with the sauce that my other classmates and teachers got hit with. Wise decision. I can't believe all your friends were willing to throw away their lives just to keep this book safe. What do you guys like about this book so much anyways? He opens up the book and he begins to read the first page. Wow, this book's actually pretty good. After that whole ordeal, the principal disappeared, and no one really knows what happened to him. Some say he tried to flee the country after committing yet another school serial killing. Others say, and after he found out how great of a book series Diary of a Movie Kid was, and he lived with the guilt of all the books he'd burned, he fell into a deep depression and committed sepuku to atone for his sins. Whatever happened to him, I don't know, but before whatever happened to him happened. I received a letter from him in the mail that said, Like and Subscribe to KneeCaps, you freeload nasty b----.