 We're going full-blown meta this week as two versus films battle it out And I don't think I'm alone when I say they're both pretty disappointing. It's Alien vs. Predator vs. Freddy vs. Jason on Movie Feud. I remember when these movies were first announced, especially the Alien vs. Predator one because I was super stoked to see our human heroes Dutch and Ripley join forces to battle their foes. Alas, that was not the film we got. Instead, Fox gave us a bunch of throwaway disposable characters. Thanks! Blade Star Sanaa Lathan, whose name I just butchered, is our mountain climber turned Xenomorph fighter And she's far and away the best actor in either of these films. We have a couple TV stars in the mix too with Tommy Flanagan from Sons of Anarchy and that dude from Millennium in the picture But they're very underutilized. The main attractions both look pretty cool with Xenomorphs going mostly CGI in this outing. It worked for me. I like seeing them move a bit faster, but the fear was certainly nowhere to be found. The slasher flick has your typical teen drag, but there is a good amount of TNA Which always makes movies like these go down better for me. What didn't help was the inclusion of Destiny's Child singer Kelly Rowland. Although she'll always have a special place in my heart right here, thanks to songs like Bootylicious, Jumpin' Jumpin', Bills, Bills, Bills, say my name and I'm a survivor. You know what Kelly Rowland? You're a survivor. I mean not a Destiny's Child because you broke up or of your film career But you still have a rockin' body and that counts for something. Damn it. It counts for everything. The master of fear, Robert England reprises his ongoing role as Freddy Krueger And although he looks the part, he comes off far more cartoonish and silly in this installment. Ken Kurtzinger dons the mask for the first time as our lovable scammed Jason Boahase. Although he comes off about his threatening as my neighbor's dog Sprinkles, he has a lot of bark but not much bite. I get it Sprinkles. You don't want me pissing by your tree. You're not scaring anybody. In the third grade I wrote a story about a cat that fomutated fish using kung fu. He would later come to realize he himself was part fish and the story ended with a space party on the moon with dogs. That story is 75% better than the crap AVP concocted. I've sadly seen Alien vs. Predator a couple times and I still have no clue what the hell is happening. Some nonsense about predators building pyramids for the ancient human race. In exchange humans would give up a few people to a sacrificial chamber so aliens could be reborn to fight predators. That kung fu cat story sounding pretty good right now isn't it? What really bothers me though is the glaringly obvious PG-13 that was slapped on the front of this piece of shit. The film constantly cuts away from intense sequences like the chest burst or attack and instead were treated to a series of off-camera screams. Oh my god what the hell is happening in that room down there? I mean they're not going to let me see because there's a wall in the way. But I hear a lot of crazy noises and I'm sure it's really awesome and visually pleasing but I'll just never know. Because it's PG-13. Freddy and friends keep the hard R rating but that's about the only thing they brought over from the respective properties. The storyline is much better than AVP but still pretty stupid. Freddy's all but forgotten so he raises Jason from the dead for the millionth time to kill on his behalf. Or something. I don't really know. The problem is Jaytown won't stop his rampage so Freddy has no other choice but to square off against his puppet. Unique kills, scary imagery, fun thrills, none of these are present in the movie. Instead replaced with campy one-liners, stupid dream sequences and lame fights. The final battle is really the only good part of the flick and even that could have been so much more. I do have to give a shout out to AVP. I love when the Predator does the slow-mo stab to the Queen's throat. That was really boss right there. Kids say boss right? I'm not talking to anybody. The Bride of Chucky director has a very hard time convincing me that I'm not just watching people on a stage. The lighting is really bad. Freddy and Jason are given far too much time out of the shadows which makes the makeup stand out like a pop singer in an acting role. The gore isn't too shabby with the final act providing a large portion of the brutality. The dude getting folded in the bed after being stabbed like 80 times seemed a bit unnecessary but I allowed it. It was at least something to look at. What I don't allow is the crappy CGI slug that Freddy turned into during a nightmare sequence. At least he could have cocooned and came back as like some demonic moth or something. That would have been a little bit funner than what we had which was just him like slugging down a guy's head. That's what slugs do. They slug. It's a testament to the screenwriters and filmmakers that AVP is so uninteresting to look at. A large portion of the movie takes place inside a pyramid that's constantly shifting and when we do finally get to a setting that's interesting to look at the film cuts away because the violence got too violent. There was a fair amount of slow motion in Alien vs. Predator. I wasn't expecting it but I also thought it was pretty cool especially when the Predator vertical limits across a chasm. A vertical limit if you don't know is the description of a person jumping in an extremely bizarre way in an unnatural fashion where they flail their arms like a jackass but it just looks so much cooler. It just looks boss. I'm really trying to make boss a thing. I'm still talking to nobody. Slow motion comes at no surprise when you find out Paul Anderson is at the helm. If Resident Evil has taught us anything he's required by law to have at least three slowdowns in each picture he does. Aliens look like aliens with perhaps too much lip quiver going on but once more nothing is scary. I dug the Xenomorph head shield in Spear though. Flaw Hands vs. Hockey Mask had a pretty decent sound if not inconsistent. It varies between dreamlike to full on rock and roll when Freddy and Jason square off. I don't think it worked well making some cheesy moments that more polarizing. That city of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra mixed with Machine Head is probably the reason for the genre mixes. I don't know why I did that weird accent or even what it is but let's just go with it. Harold Klosser composed an entirely orchestrated score for AVP. It had some weight to it but it can't touch the respected movies that came before. Much like the characters in the film it lacks any sort of real development. The fans of both respected franchises really wanted these movies for a long time. I don't think anybody was too pleased with the outcome. I know I wasn't. Freddy may be the king of haunting your dreams but Alien vs. Predator's script? That's the real nightmare. I'm personally going with Freddy vs. Jason as the winner since I'm not a big horror fan so the impact of this crap movie didn't hurt as much as the competition. Plus as I've stated pointless nudity can do wonders for this type of a picture. Let me know your thoughts though. Vote for the winner and remember this is more than just reviews. This is Movie Feuds. I've also heard that AVP 2 Requiem is better than the first. I tried watching it but it could only make it about 20 minutes in before I wanted to eat my own head off so I can't really make an argument.