 So recently I posed a question in my private group Asking for the type of excuses men give for being non-committal. So you ever had a man giving an excuse for being non-committal? Yes, okay. What was it? My ex screwed me financially. Oh No, I can see how a man could say that so why do you think men give excuses for being non-committal well, I think they're I Think there's truth to what happened to him. Yeah, but what does that have to do with me? so He needs to heal. Yeah So we're gonna lean into some of the excuses men give For being non-committal and we're gonna dive into some of the reasons why they say what they do So I want to share something who are the men who typically give excuses now You just said men who haven't healed, right? Well, that was my experience. Okay, so what do you think it means to heal? Well, they haven't dealt with their issues or they just want They want to see how far they can get and so they can move on I don't know interesting. They want to see how far they can get before they move on So in you know, you you don't know all of my coaching stuff But I talked about there. Well, you probably have heard me talk about the users the spenders and the growers, right? The the growers of the men who genuinely want a serious relationship. They're looking for partnership. So they operate more intentional The users those are the love bombers. Those look those are the men and women that are only in it for themselves What happens in that second category? I call them spenders and the reason why I call them spenders is they want to spend time with you What they're missing is that? intentional commit intentional desire for commitment Okay, okay, but there are a lot of excuses. I'm sure yeah Well, what happens is for the spenders and I I believe that's the population of men and women who are rather dysfunctional in their emotional maturity and their relationship skills. Have you ever met a man who was one or both? all of the above No, a lot I just think a lot of men just think they know what they want It's just like women same thing. Yeah, I think they know what they want and then suddenly it's like, oh my gosh Like one guy told me, oh, you know, you're just like the greatest woman I've ever met But I just don't think I'm ready for that now that I've met you. I'm like, okay. Thank you very much So then it begs the question. Why are we even why are those people out there claiming? They want a relationship if they're not ready. They don't know what they want They haven't healed. In fact, I want to talk about they don't know what they want because Someone once said to me dating is an experience of learning what you don't want Not what you want, but what you don't want Well comment to make I do because in my case I didn't date when I was younger like most people did before I got married the first time and so I didn't know I didn't even know how to date or what to look for but I had a husband for 25 years And I knew I didn't want that So that's about it when I that was my criteria I wanted somebody but I you know as I healed and did all the work that I did things Became more clear with me and I just didn't so isn't it sorry to interrupt So isn't it interesting people certainly don't want their ex-spouse or their ex-relationship like that's like the clear line I don't want that so you can eliminate the things you don't want. I always hear I don't want a cheater I don't want a liar. I don't want you know blah blah blah blah blah Well, the thing is if you're focused on what you don't want I think the law of attraction keeps giving you that until you actually Decide on what you do want Okay, maybe I got lucky. Okay With me Well with you too But at that point I just didn't I knew what I didn't want but I didn't know what I wanted and so it took You know a few meet-and-greets to weed out a lot of people that I wanted nothing with well You we've talked about the amount of meet-and-greets you've done And well, I want to differentiate between for those that don't know we talked about this in the previous video Marie for a solid year used to go to a Restaurant bar that they were giving away a pair of shoes every Monday night some $1,000 pair of shoes you go by yourself or with your girlfriends and in that environment you got hit on Practically every Monday night. Oh, yeah And so 52 times you had 52 meet-and-greets if you will and you learned a lot about Male and human behavior in those interactions because you were in your power these weren't dates You were in your power you ordered your glass of wine. You didn't have any you weren't beholden to any man Right, and I also had a rule. I didn't let anybody buy me a drink Oh really because then I I felt then an obligation to talk to I didn't know but you told me you met some really nice guys doing this too. I did yeah I mean they weren't for me, but they they were good people So so those were as I said before kind of pseudo meet-and-greets And then after your significant relationship the one after your divorce You had dozens of meet-and-greets where you started to realize not only what you didn't want But what you did want, right? Right. Okay. In fact, what did your dating profile say you wanted? deeply connected Relationship that would lead to mutual trust and admiration. Oh, okay. Well, I hope you have that now Okay, so we're talking about excuses men give and I want to lean into this because I think You know, I'm gonna say damaged men give excuses now When I say the word damaged when I'm going back to what you talked about a moment people who haven't healed From their traumas of their like and like a divorce or maybe childhood traumas This is childhood traumas can include men who have avoidant Attachment style or they have abandonment issues makes it very difficult for them to lean into a fully committed relationship You have something to say I do okay, you know, I've always wondered sometimes It's just you know, you meet somebody once and then you see them a second time and you're like, you know I'm just not feeling it and then men don't know in my opinion Don't know how to handle that when you aren't interested. No Say it happened to them. Okay, you know, they're not feeling it They don't know how to handle it. Therefore, they have to come up with it with an excuse You bring up a very good point because there's this Confusion that happens. I know it happened to me a lot I'd have a great first date and for whatever reason I'd see him the second time and something was missing and I couldn't put my finger on it I couldn't say well, it was you know, you're too tall or you're too short or you're you know You look I mean you could make excuses like you live too far away or something like that but what would happen is Because we don't want to hurt someone's feelings and women do the same thing to men we oftentimes come up with excuses to avoid a an uncomfortable conversation and Given that you talked about confusion for a moment ago That's the hard part when we're confused about our feelings. We can't put our finger on it Well, but if you already know that you're not interested You I Mean I've done I look I was very honest though with people like I would just tell him like, you know, thank you very much I really appreciate getting to know you but I just don't think that we are a good match But those are for those but you're talking about the people you met once or twice what we're gonna talk about More deeper if you will those that kind of men came on strong. They were interested in a relationship They professed their absolute fascination for you and then you know six weeks in 12 weeks in they start doing that pulling away They start doing the excuses so I want to lean into some of the most popular excuses I'm gonna save the number one for a little bit in a few minutes So I want to go through because the number one you've heard before but it's important to talk about it So one I wrote down is I don't know what I want That's a common excuse and and to to some degree it begs well Then why are you on the dating sites? Why are you out there seeking a relationship if you don't know what you want? Well, I think the translation for that is okay. You're not the one. Okay. Well, aren't most excuses You're not the one or I'm just not that into you. I Guess but sometimes, you know, some people really do have issues going on in their lives that that the timing is just wrong Yeah, well, I know I'm in a moment. I'm gonna share something my son said to me that I think relates to this as well So another one is so this is again These were comments posted in my group. So one woman wrote she heard I need to know someone for at least a year before I can even consider commitment Well So my thought is this and let me hear your take on this Are you asking for monogamy? Are you asking for excuse? Are you well? Are you having regular sex with this person? Because if you're gonna wait a year to have sex well, you can do whatever you want But if you want regular sex, but you're not willing to give a commitment How safe does a woman feel how how much trust can she feel with someone who doesn't want to make a commitment to them? If they want that person sexually Wouldn't put up with somebody that said that to me. Okay. There's one. Yeah, I mean look at even the bachelor Oh sex is off the table And then he has sex with the one he picked and the one he didn't pick Well, we don't he never can say he never said he had sex with the one he picked. Yeah. Oh, I don't think he said it All they talked about we're gonna go on a little bachelor tangent here for a moment They did talk about having sex with Gabby but and certainly Ariel put him in his place during the tell-all But but you're right These are personally says I want sex off the table and then he changes his mind or which to me tells me that he just Didn't want sex with that with Ariel the first one. Well, I don't know why he wouldn't want it with her I thought she was the most stunning one of them all Anyway, that's another conversation another thing you said meant my ex screwed me over financially Okay, so so I've a lot of men who have ex non through a divorce and they feel as though they have been What's the word I'm looking for Unfairly treated in the process now a lot of men they are fairly treated a lot of women are Unfairly treated in the process But these are the men that felt like they gave more than they were supposed to if you will that is a very common Excuse and for those men they they become very problematic to be in relationship with well I know someone that that happened and his wife got half of everything and it was a huge chunk and He never got over that because he didn't think she deserved half of it. Yeah, I worked with a client who was with a man who was incredibly wealthy and Did give half to his partner his ex spouse and then his new relationship was literally badgering Like when is your alimony check coming in and you know, are you gonna contribute to the relationship? And this is a person who's wealthy as beyond the capacity to support and yet He was so wounded in the relationship that it caused him to be rather You know, he was generous, but also kind of suspicious if you will, okay? All right, another excuse. You're too good for me. I don't want you to suffer. You deserve someone better Have you ever heard that one before? Yeah, well kind of yeah, it's like Because no, I don't want to be in anybody's life if I'm not treated like a priority Yeah, and that's one of the things he said, you know at this point in my life I got my job is very demanding and I You deserve somebody that can make sure priority So that was using time as the issue, but I think there are some men who also have deep shame They have deep wounds and so they're not going back to healing you talked about these are men that haven't healed their child and wounds They haven't healed their adult traumas and maybe they're feeling a level of shame I know after my divorce, you know, I lost my quarter million dollar your job. I was depressed I was feeling a lot of shame. I'd meet someone I've got if I met a classy woman like you I was so not ready for someone and I'd say something like you deserve someone better even though I want companionship I want connection then I want sex What? And you wanted someone hot We joke around like that a lot, you know, it's funny some people watch us and they don't get our sense of humor I might throw something out there and they seem to think I'm I'm offending you. So have I offended you in any videos? No, okay. All right. All right being disrespectful. No, I don't get easily offended. Okay So another one that men use is I have lots of responsibilities. I don't know where my life will be Okay, go figure out your life and see you later So I would do it the problem is is and we're gonna talk about how to avoid these men That give excuses these non-committal men. I think there is some tools that I mean, they're gonna be some tools I'm gonna share with you in a moment So you can hopefully head these men off at the past. Do you remember in early in our dating process? I kept asking you what could be the potholes in front of us Right talked about and trying to identify what could be the problems So we can address those before we got to attach to one another. Do you remember that? Yes So what are you just any quick thoughts on that for our audience if you will? Well, you know for me Making a move out here. I I didn't have a problem moving but I also needed the accessibility and To be able to go back to Chicago and see my kids and my grandkids that are there So that was something that we talked about because for me if he was not going to be on board with With that and it wasn't gonna work for me. So we talked about some of those potholes We talked about my you know, whether it's our exes and all these different things. We discussed those before we got to Attach to one another and I think it's important to do this sooner rather than later So you don't find yourself in a situation where a guy or girl is giving you an excuse. So I want to share another one Oh, here's one. I was hurt in the past. I don't want to get hurt again Or baby. Yeah, you've heard that one, right? Yeah, I did you remember what he said, let's take it slow. Let's take it really slow and For me that man, okay I'll move on I think people that take it like there's a benefit see I think taking it slow means I'd like to have all the benefits of a relationship But I am gonna be non-committal to you because I don't know and the thing is I've observed men who are in happy relationships They knew rather quickly at the person they're with is someone they wanted to commit to in fact furthermore They wanted to kind of tie that person down because men are territorial But okay, if they've been You know, they've had three girlfriends that cheated on them. Oh God and all that They're not gonna be like that because now they're gonna be like super cautious They're me walking on tippy toes because they're like, I don't know about this So you bring up something about trust issues, you know, that's if someone and by the way I've seen this with a lot of women telling me that they're with men who have been Habitually cheated on in their past relationships And by the way, this works in reverse to for women what my thoughts are so I was in a relationship where where there was serial cheating and I Did you know, I did all my healing work because I didn't want to hold somebody else responsible for what? my previous husband had done so It's the trust but this person that is said to take it slow I had not given any reason not to trust me and and that actually was the biggest turnoff in what ultimately just Ended that relationship because then I just wasn't feeling it anymore So going back to how you started this conversation or we both started this conversation is here's a person Who's been cheated on several times and yet he hadn't healed from that So what happens is he he basically I don't want to say blames anyone new but it's like guilty You know guilty before proven innocent instead of innocent before anyone new Has to go through the ringer first and I'm not the type that would have gone through the ringer anyway Yeah, okay, let's see for a couple ones. Oh, here's one. I'm just really confused right now and I Was thinking about my son who had a relationship of five months And after the second or third month he began feeling confused Now he was confused about his feelings and this is comes back to something we both said earlier This is really tricky because feelings aren't facts They're not like, you know, like this is a phone. That's a fact or it's a smartphone, you know This is mince a version. Oh, that's a fact, but feelings are Constantly changing so now while he didn't use the word I'm confused He told me he was feeling confusion and he did the honorable thing. He ended the relationship with as much Well, he didn't do what most men do as ghost or do the slow fade He basically said I'm really uncertain, you know, and he said to be all fairness to you It doesn't make sense to move forward This is the tricky part in relationship because when we hear the phrase. I'm just not that into you we can really like someone and Still have confusion Well, what I don't understand is why come up with excuses like Confusion is not really an excuse. It's if it's that's what they're feeling But why not just be honest and say look, you know, I like you we've had fun But I'm not ready to commit to anybody right now and as much as I have But what if the what if the reason is I don't like the way you part your hair I mean, yeah, well, I think some people I do believe in the dating marketplace You know, we can find one little thing, you know, like the Seinfeld episodes They always found one tiny little thing to be picky about and that was their reason for ending the relationship And the reality is is sometimes we don't want to necessarily share our You know real reason. Well, the real reason is our own issues, you know, I don't like how you eat your peas Yeah, I don't like how you eat your peas with a fork. Okay. We're gonna get through a couple of ones I like you too much. I don't want to hurt you. We talked about that and I said we are gonna share the number one reason Men give excuse number one excuse men give and that is I'm too busy That's like 60% of the time I hear that is the number one excuse. I'm too busy. It's like everybody's too busy for a relationship. I Call bullshit Yeah, enough time to date me, you know That's true. Oh, by the way, did you just use a dirty word? You know, I'm normal So that is bullshit to say I'm too busy that is I'm too busy with my kids. I'm too busy with work I'm too busy with this. We had enough time to date me five times a week in the first three months But now all of a sudden you're busy Now there's always Situational things that can happen in a person's life. Maybe they've had a career change Maybe they've had a promotion something that might change their dynamic But the reality is is if you had enough time to date You should have enough time for a relationship. In fact, I think people don't make enough time for dating What are you gonna say? No, but you know, then there are people, you know a lot of us are have dealt with or are dealing with elderly parents and Situation will change there. I have a good friend whose mom is in a really You know, she's terminal and so his dating life is basically All of a set, but that's a situational thing. Yeah, that's not an excuse. That's a genuine reality And and so he's assessing his dating capacity right now because of that. Well, that's why he doesn't he's not gonna commit to anybody Well, then he shouldn't be dating. Well because he wants to get say it Okay See, this is the challenge we have because of our devices folks It's sadly dating has turned into hooking up or what I say Relationships are just a string. It's it's really a long drawn-out version of friends with benefits But you don't know about it So I want to lean into what you can do to solve these problems and that is listen It's I was watching a Matthew Hussie video. He said something to the effect of this It's because of his excuse his excuses are your closure Repeat that his excuses are your closure. He didn't say it exact like that But in other words the minute the excuse is given that's your closure Yeah, okay to avoid getting excuses I want everyone to adopt what we did in the beginning of our relationship and that is to Start with radical honesty right from the get-go number two laying your cards on the table And number three and most importantly if you're going to engage in a relationship Know the rules of engagement what I mean to say ask deeper questions You know find out the potholes that could happen ahead of time and address those before you give your heart to someone Do you agree I agree, but not everybody is Is mature enough to do the radical honesty? Well, I say 90% of men will just bail on radical honesty But are they really capable of being in a relationship anyway? Probably not. Yeah, so folks I encourage Radical honesty what that means is get crystal clear on who you are and what you want Remember we talked about don't focus on what you do want don't want focus on what you do want Lay your cards on the table before that penis ever goes inside the vagina I know you cringe when I say that and lastly the rules of engagement Ladies you are in charge of your relationship destiny do not give that up to a man If you need some support on that see right here There's a link Jonathan asley.com forward slash coaching and there's a link below Schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coaches right for you All right one last plug and then we'll get into questions if you'd like this video Please give it a thumbs up. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel All right, and then again check out all the links below So this is time for Q&A for those who know my format if you have a question Write the word question in the chat box or you can purchase the super sticker super chat all the monies from the Super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor asley. That's a picture of them right there That's a one in that shirt Sadly, he's my son who passed away a few years ago darn almost five years ago now and in his honor I've started a scholarship fund to donate to causes like the Hoffman process and Insight Institute Just to name a few and if you're watching the replay you can hit the super Thanks, and by the way, we just made a $250 donation the other day Thanks to one of you sweet folks that gave a hundred and fifty dollar donations, so I really appreciate that In fact, I noticed there was a super sticker here earlier, and I want to give props to Melanie, thank you so much for the $5 super sticker. I really appreciate it All right, let's see what kind of questions we have Jennifer says you guys are cute together. Oh Thank you. All right one of the members in my private group wrote Why would a man you meet on a dating site almost three months ago stand you up twice But when you tell him not to call and give him a hand give him a hard time He keeps calling. Why do guys keep calling after you tell them no because you haven't blocked them Have you blocked anyone oh gosh really the other day I went through my phone and and they all say like Jim Matt Bill Matt Bree and I joked you know we went through our phone one day, and we looked at the last names that were hinge Bumble match. I mine millionaire match was mm match Okay, Cuba J dates You weren't everything well, I didn't of all by the way, I'm not Jewish But I did J date because I thought there were more serious women on J dates Versus I was not a fan of plenty of fish. Okay. Anyway So to keep going Why did that come up? Why do we talk about that? Oh stand you up you would block that person Yeah, well, why does it keep calling? Well because you haven't blocked them somebody that stands you up is not serious And the question is why do you care? Why like why do we care that someone keeps calling? There's I think there's this inherent We get some level of validation when someone we don't like still calls us. There's this almost the pseudo sadistic validation You follow me. Yeah, because sometimes there there were some people that I didn't block just so that I could know that he was texting me Didn't respond, but I'm like yeah, okay, but there's some some level of insecurity within ourselves. It's the ego Yeah, exactly. It's our ego. So anyway, that's my thought. Thanks so much and she's a member in our private group. So She also wrote you two look great in your outfits are matching. Thanks so much Alright, let's keep going. By the way, he's the one that matches me all the time. I just want everyone to know Okay, you pick first. In fact, one of their one of says Marie. You're so beautiful. I have a feeling she's secretly a model That's sweet. Okay. Let's keep going here Question sunny pie, right? Mine said we're not sexually compatible. Is that the huge barrier? Do you think I? Have a thought on that This is always tricky because sexual compatibility can be a real deal breaker, you know, and I think if someone you know To me, that's not an excuse For some people, you know, they're they're in their sexual their physical intimacy is a critical part of their Relationship and I would say that a lot of people aren't compatible sexually well Basically what what I'm hearing. Okay. I don't know if I heard it Heard it right, but is that they're just not that into you No, he said mine said we're not sexually compatible. So you think that's just I'm not that in you the guy said it to the girl you know, I He just doesn't think that They're sexually compatible. He's not into something that's into you Well, I guess you would have well some people have sexual fetishes and things that could be a little more extreme and if you're Some person could be a passive sexually and some could be you know, I don't know You know SNM or something like that. So I can see where sexual compatibility Well sexual compatibility could also be frequency of sex, you know, I know some men want it three times a day And you know, some women want it once every other week And vice versa, by the way, this isn't you know, the same this isn't singular to a gender But yeah sexual compatibility could be frequency as well. No, it's Sex is really important in a relationship even for us old folks By the way, the answer is yes, it is okay at least I'm in agreement with you. Okay, so let's keep going You know it is says I agree with Jennifer. If a guy is into you, there will be no excuses. Can I get an amen for Marie? Okay Let's keep going here Let's keep on let's see if you have a question write the word question. Oh, here we go Question do men in general believe that women are stupid I'll answer that one. So I don't believe men in general think women are stupid I do believe that Since okay, this is just I mean I can go down a couple rabbit holes here Women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment So if a man gets a woman to have sex with them, he then typically holds the power Not always but he holds the power because ultimately commitment is on his terms. Okay, so it's not that we think you're stupid It's just that there's a power shift. Sometimes it happens. Now most men do believe women are crazy Why are you looking at me like that? No, I was just thinking of that lady that always writes. Okay Yeah, well lady that always writes and says I'm gonna turn into Amber heard. Okay, so really quickly I do believe men do think because women tend to be more emotional creatures That when they are more emotional, they're Irrational men tend to think they're rational creatures Men tend to think that women are irrational creatures So because of that men have a propensity to think women are crazy now There are just some legitimately unstable unhinged human beings out in them in the dating marketplace But men can oftentimes believe that because of that all saying hell have no fury like a woman's score in other words I learned really young That if the emotions run high Intellect runs low. Oh, you keep your emotions and check you can You can speak in you know intelligently. Yeah to someone. Yeah, that this is just again. These are generalizations I'm not saying it's an absolute so Donna. Thank you so much for that question You can have a rational conversation with somebody that's irrational say that one more time You can't have a rational conversation With someone who is irrational. No, it's very difficult. No, in fact, and this is where I get a lot I feel like oh, there's some confusion when men oftentimes get labeled as Gaslighting and manipulative Sometimes it's the woman who's the irrational person in this conversation He's defending himself and I can think of a one particular friend of mine was with a woman that would he would defend himself in Earnest and she would say you're gaslighting me. That's because she was psycho I'm sorry, and I'm glad he broke up with her, but that's just a personal account. So anyways, let's move on Wanda writes question I've known the new guy for almost a year and he sees a sweetheart if he catches feelings for me I don't know for him. How do I let him down Marie? I keep him as a friend Okay, so you've known him for a year and you you like him Well, I get the sense Yeah, I get the sense. He's in the friend zone. So if he starts pursuing it more, how would you let a guy down? How would I let a guy know that you know that's happened to me? And I'm you know, I you just talk to him and say, you know, I love you. You're a great guy It's just that I I just want to keep you in my life, but not as a As a romantic partner. So well, I'm glad you brought this up because this actually happened To me where a woman put me in the friend zone after I think we dated for about, you know About four dates for you know dates and she called me and told me I'm just not having feelings for you She put me in the friend zone. I Immediately was defending myself. I was telling her why I think she was wrong and I'm like you're you're blowing it I mean, I was just like, I mean, I was like so wounded that I was like Practically begging for her to change her mind And that was before you did all your healing work. I take it. Well, no, I did a plenty I did a fair amount of healing work. No, this was a couple years ago. So what was interesting? All right, I think I told you the story. So when I share the balance of it, you'll get the gist of it Marie and I have been very like we're an open book to each other We have no problem sharing our past experiences the nooks and cranny of them all because we don't get triggered by them Okay, so what happened? I'm defending myself. I'm like lower. I'm literally begging We end the phone conversation and I called her up an hour later And I apologize because I realized if she didn't want me if she didn't feel like we're fit Then her reason was our closure You know her reason was valid for her and as I sat with it I thought to myself, you know what I value I wrote something down. I said fuck this shit I'm worth being in a relationship with someone who really wants to be with me And you know what we did we started to hang out as friends and to this day We're still you know, I mean we don't talk as frequently now after COVID But we went to hung out together for months doing stuff together just as friends So maybe that's what can happen with you Wanda. So I wish you luck on that one Lily says you two are adorable I dated for six weeks with the guy I met on bumble every date was good and was promising He called me saying that there's no chemistry You know That's a tough one, you know, the thing is this is kind of like what I just shared this woman I went out four times. We liked each other even my son. We were talking about they dated for a few months Feelings are not something we can quantify and and you know, these are something that sometimes evolve over time Sometimes they happen quickly, but ultimately again, I'm a big proponent find out if you're on the same page both What you desire from a long term, but at the end of the day You know, I can't create feelings No, you can't you either have them or you don't and sometimes we have these grand feelings only to find out that the person Is a jackass and leaves the toilet seat up all the time Anyways, I'm just kidding. I'm not the jackass, but I do occasionally leave the toilet city up and yes I'm human. I make mistakes. He's getting better. Okay Barber writes question me 56 him 59 He has been winning and whining and dining me for six months two to three times per week two weeks ago We had our first kiss And we fooled around only we fooled around only he spent the night now. He's gone quiet What to do? Oh Wow, you know, that's that's a little surprising to me. I think someone who invests six months now obviously there was no physical component to this until the Until this six month mark where there was a kiss and there was an overnight, you know It's hard to exactly predict what was going on with him He might have reached like he might have appreciated the platonic nature of your relationship But the minute it got a little more serious He pulled away because he has a my guess is a fear of intimacy Anything like that ever happened to you? No, no, they want you right away No, that's I mean I find that very sad but you know six months and not even having a kiss It's I don't know again. That seems like it's a platonic relationship So I'm a big listen I'm for those of us you're in your you know, you're in your late fifties Okay, for those of us who are baby boomers or early gen Xers the days in front of us are not as long as the day You know the days in front of us aren't gonna be as long as the days behind this I'm like cut to the quick either. You're interested in each other or not, you know I don't want to invest six months only to find out that You know, I mean physically, you know a compatible. Well, I mean you might I Think if I if it were me I might send a text message just saying hey, you know, I You know, I haven't heard from you or oh, that's right. He's gone quiet. So I'm sorry I went off on track there So he's gone quiet. Yeah, absolutely do what Marie just suggested send a message saying You know, I've noticed you've done a slight energetic pullback I like the term energetic pullback because it's not saying physically pullback But I've energetically pulled out to write that down because I wouldn't remember that Okay Well, someone writes this down for us. I I feel that you've pulled back slightly Energetically you can even say my gut is telling me you've pulled back energetically is my gut right and Really the only purpose of sending this message is to create a dialogue You know, it's not to get the answer. It's to get the conversation going Because in this particular case what you's needed is to people to dialogue with one another and let me be clear Don't be afraid to ask for a telephone conversation or a face-to-face Gosh, they've seen each other twice a week. Talk about it folks in my book What the heck is self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work There's a link below to get a copy of my book chapter one Speak your truth do it with kindness and chapter nine if it's sincere and from the heart Rationally speaking if it's sincere and from the heart you can't really say the wrong thing to the right person So Barbara, I know I went off on a tangent a little bit but bringing it back Start a dialogue with him. See what he says Good luck with that Barbara. Okay Julia says question. I don't know if I want kids Do I look for a man who also doesn't know? So I don't like uncertainty Either you know, you want children or you don't want children. I don't like the I don't know well, I I Have a cousin that you know knew she didn't want children and She ended an engagement because of that Because he thought he was gonna talk her into having children and she had already made that decision that she wasn't gonna have children I was just thinking you have a cousin that didn't expect to have children and at age 44. She got pregnant That was an unexpected situation, you know, I'm a big believer It's important to choose people that have clarity clarity breeds confidence, but more importantly Confidence leads to better choices when there is a lack of clarity. I don't know it can go one way or the other I know a woman who is with them. Oh, okay. I'll give you a sample friend of mine He was dating a woman who's who never professed. He wanted she wanted children But he had already had three children and this she was ten years younger. Okay, well, he went off to go have a vasectomy and Said he told her I guess a couple months later. He had a vasectomy. She goes. Why didn't you tell me you were gonna do that? I want to have children. Okay. Well, what she did is she stayed in this relationship five more years Hmm. Okay. She eventually ended the relationship to go have a child with someone But she spent five years in a relationship and their biggest issue She wanted to have children and he had a vasectomy. I Think it's better to be crystal clear in choosing people who either want children or don't want children and get clarity on that a lot of you know, a lot of people are have careers going on women are waiting later to have children and That's when they start having do I focus on my career or do I stop to have children and Men they're like, well, you know, I'm making a lot of money. I have the freedom to go here and there and travel So I can see how some people don't well, okay So let's dive into this a little bit more because a woman takes a greater risk Man doesn't have to take as much risk because she's not only spending nine months Bearing children, but he can always not be in the picture. So she has a hundred You know, you know, the woman actually has the greater risk because she might have the potential of a hundred percent Responsibility, I think that's something you should be clear on because of that Well, yeah, if you're in a relationship, you should be clear on it But I okay, but not knowing the guy might not know at this point He still wants to go travel the world, you know, okay Maybe he won't doesn't want a kid till he's 40 and she's already 36 and okay, but but not but and She doesn't know she wants children He doesn't know if you want children and then she says I want children and he says I don't want children Then you're screwed. Yeah, then you're in an impasse. So again, I prefer people that have clarity All right, that's we went on a little bit longer on that one. Let's keep going. Ah Here's one Tatya says question after six weeks of dating. I was given the following I can't take care of myself off the I can't take myself off the apps But it's not enough. He proceeded to compare himself to a flat line as opposed to up and down EKG I Can't take myself This reminds me of the guy who kept swiping even though he's in a relationship with someone, right? Hey, I think there is an addictive nature to the swipe dating apps. I Think there's a dopamine rush. I mean, you know, even you know, you know even in the Relationship, I still felt a pull to want to go on the dating apps Even though, you know, I'm like I knew I was you know cared for you and was falling for you But there's that almost that Pavlovian, you know getting the pellet kind of thing. Well I dated someone that I found out, you know, six months into the relationship I went to look for a picture on his dating profile So I turned on the dating profile and went on it and I saw that he had been on it the day before So it's like, whoa So, you know, so, you know, I I was very clear. I showed him. I said look, you know, this is what I was doing and you're still on there and then He was so apologetic. He says, you know, when I'm sitting on the toilet I I just swipe and swipe and swipe and I'm like, well, you know I'm in it and if you're not on the same page as me then, you know We we need to reassess here and he says no, no, no I'm gonna cancel that right away and and he did but And then I was telling the story to your friend. Yeah, who is in a relationship And he's like Guilty he goes, I I do that too. He goes, I'm gonna get off of it because I'm gonna get off it He goes, it's not that they're looking for someone else. They just like, you know, so well, this is where it gets tricky though And by the way, I found it disrespectful No, and I agree and even when we talked to my friend about him immediately said no, you know I'm off blah blah blah, but I think of some men there's a difference the the Addictive quality versus like someone who's on Instagram and they've collected hundreds and hundreds of you know women and their You know friends list or however, it's categorized on Instagram. I can't think of it right now, you know followers Excuse me all these either you're following or they're following You know, they're following or the person is following them hundreds of attractive women I think Instagram has almost become the new porn Like it's almost like it used to be guys went to a porn magazine. Well now dating apps and Instagram is like a different version of porn Okay Well, anyways, that's just an observation. Does anyone agree Instagram is turning into porn for some men. Anyway, let's see Let's keep going Maybe we should see your Instagram My do you want to see my Instagram? It's Jay Shetty quotes, okay question Does making out too early in the relationship will have the same effect of getting the guy wait Does making out too early in a relationship will have the same effect of getting the guy distant as having sex too early No, I don't think so. No, I think you know Well, okay making out is kind of different like heavy-duty PDA on a first date It is a lot different than ace a kiss. Good night Yeah, but if you hit it off and You make out a little bit Know before you he drops you off or you leave or whatever. I'm thinking of making out Okay, you meet someone and you're making out for six hours in a bar versus a kiss. Good night I think there's two differences there I think what she's getting at is does do men view a woman who make out too easily Just the way a man looks at a woman who has sex too quickly. I Think that's old-fashioned thinking. Yeah, I don't I don't I think men don't give a crap I don't think go back back in the day. Yeah, the girl that you don't kiss on a first date and all that I don't think that happens. Yeah, okay. Yeah, thanks for that question That was from a kiss can tell you if you have some chemistry because if you feel something Do you have chemistry with me on our first kiss? I can't remember that part No, I was not fishing for a compliment Julia Thank you so much for the $2 super sticker. I really appreciate it Kate writes question. I Just finished breast cancer treatment and fine. I fall in love with with life and focusing on healing emotionally Physically spiritually. I'm not interested in dating at all. Is this normal. I think absolutely I'm really sorry that you've gone through this Take time for yourself. You know what I was thinking as I'm reading this, you know after your significant relationship ended like you were like You know you went through this, you know really emotionally traumatic experience and let me just say there's a huge physical as well as emotional You know traumatic experience going through cancer treatment. So I'm putting it in the second not I'm not putting it in the same venue But or you know, but there's a similarity and you took time to heal them. What did you do? You traveled the world. Yeah, I you know, I joined groups and I met people I know people all over the world and you know Had a friend call me yesterday from Montreal. She these are the people that became Kind of like my family as much as I was healing because I needed to focus on myself I want to do things that made me happy and and you didn't date, right? I did not date Okay, I did not date. I didn't and I met men in these groups and stuff But I did not date. I was focused on myself. I think Here's the thing whenever for example You go through something you know like a physical trauma an emotional trauma like the ending of a relationship It takes time to Unravel this experience and reintegrate yourself into who you really are and more importantly Who do you want to be and what I mean by who do you want to be like? How do you want to live your life? Yeah, you know you talk about travel travel that we just had a conversation earlier today Travel is like this this core need of yours and I was sharing with Marie because there might be situations where we mean She wants to go travel and I can't for work and she was concerned about that and I said, you know Like my mom traveled the world without my dad You know and not I mean not all over the world because they did traveling together But I'm not I If I want you to be happy when you're in a relationship with someone who genuinely wants your happiness They want each person wants you to be the best version of you like I think you would want that for me, right? No, yes, and but what's happening now is because first it was COVID and I haven't seen a lot of the people that I've traveled with so They they're all reaching out. Are you doing this trip? Are you doing that trip? And you know, we've also planned on doing a trip with some of my travel friends. Yeah, we might go to Egypt and next year I'm really excited about that. You know, I really do believe that You have to work on yourself first. Yeah, you know, you've been through something really difficult and I You don't have to date go find yourself. Have a good time. Go travel the world join Singles cruises join singles in paradise. These are great organizations or find a travel group Folks traveling is a great way to connect with people and see the world and by the way You show me deals all the time $1,300 12 days in Egypt kind of thing, you know, it's absolutely possible. So go do that So Kate, I wish you luck in sending you a big gigantic Jonathan bearhawk for what you've gone through All right, let's keep swimming question Tatya says It was a typo. He said I can take care of myself Oh, I can take myself off the app. Sorry And I don't remember the question The question is he was that we thought he was still on the apps when they were together You know what we made a decision to get off the apps like pretty quickly Yeah, we both went off the we both hit our apps I believe it's funny because we were looking the other day I think like I deleted all my apps like the the apps itself I still have my match profile because I use it professionally But I think we both went on our profiles just to read What we wrote, you know, and we we should just cut and paste it and just save that in the document But every once in a while we go to our dating apps to actually read what we wrote Not to one another but um In the profile, um, I'm a big proponent have a dialogue Especially if you're going to be physically intimate with one another regularly Then I believe it's best to have an exclusive and monogamy and exclusivity monogamy is No sex with other people exclusivity is no meeting new people or dating new people And I believe you have regular sex you should be doing that. So Well, I also believe if you're if you're For me to move forward with a relationship There's no way that I could be with somebody that's That's on a dating app. Yeah, because that's like, wait a minute. This isn't fair I can do that too, you know Well, if you're if you're still on the dating app, then it's the whole FOMO, you know fear of missing out the bigger better deal. I mean look folks I gotta tell you something A lot of people need to instead of settling they need to settle down Look at when you meet like and I feel about that with you when you have a great partner in life Settle down because life is better with company Life sucks on some love not sucks, but you know life is better with company We have a lot of fun Yeah, but and whether that company is a romantic partnership or friends travel friends, whatever that is Life is better with company as George Clooney said in the movie up in the air And he was the quintessential bachelor who eventually found his amad. What's her name? Amal. Amal. Okay. All right Let's keep going here Omnir says question I did I did no contact for two months. He called and said he wants to have a serious talk should I have the talk There was no apology yet and no issue addressed. I'm looking for am I looking at this wrong? Well, I don't know if he's if you're entitled to an apology. So I don't because I don't know the particulars You know two months no con what is it no contact? Uh, you know, if you haven't had closure Then I'd say have a conversation I would have the conversation If there's a chance that you know He was going through something He I don't we don't know the the particulars but Um, if what you're looking for is an apology then you're setting yourself up You can't expect that that's what you're gonna. Good point Do you remember that you tell me that we just talked about this the other day the guy that reached out Long time later and said he reached remember you dated and he ghosted you And then he came back and said I was really going through a tough time in my life Yeah, well See, I don't think somebody here's the thing. I don't care how rough Listen, I lost a child and I was supposed to have a date the night I lost my son and I had the courtesy to at least text this person and say I had a family emergency and couldn't make it I think respect What's the word I'm looking for character Is doing the uncomfortable things and even when this guy said yeah, I was going through a lot Having character says I'm gonna do the uncomfortable things because it's the right thing to do Yeah, so anyway, that's my two cents on that Uh, let's keep swimming Oh, we have a super sticker from cito. Thank you so much question $4.99. Thank you so much Any advice for uh, libido mismatches mismatches is mine is higher than his otherwise We have an amazing relationship. We currently have sex twice per month Hmm That's you Go ahead. Well, I'm the horny one in our relationship I mean, no, I don't mean it that way But I'd be like I if I had my druthers I would have it all the time and we have a great sex life. Well, okay I'll answer I did have a relationship with somebody that um Everything was great But that you know that was an issue and it would be Oh frequency well frequency and well Frequency and style it was coveted. So there was a lot of drinking involved So it things just didn't happen the way they should because when you're drinking things don't work properly um, so it would be like in the middle of the night And that's not enjoyable when you like roll over and you're like what? By the way, I want to address something so I believe a sexless marriage Is sex only once a month? That's considered a sexless marriage I think they say healthy marriages that have sex at least twice a week That's considered pretty a healthy sex life within a marriage Okay, I I'm by the way, please don't quote me. That's what I've heard But having regular sex is an important part of a relationship. Um, you know, did she say the sex was good? I don't remember only that the sex was twice a month Um, so that's a libido issue. Okay, so the question really becomes how do you address this with your partner? I know for some people this has been the cause of the ending of their relationship But is um, you might look at is he taking any medications that that may cause this Um, that's a good point. I mean, there might be a medical physical condition. Well, this happens with women too You know, I mean certainly from that perspective presence will will really affect But then this gets really tricky because if if a person Doesn't have a desire and the other person does That becomes a real challenge within a relationship So then the question is should that relationship maybe turn polyamorous or in other words Have the agreement to go outside of them. Well, I think it's it's something worth talking about You know, we don't have that problem thankfully Um, by the way, I didn't mean to throw you under the bus early. I didn't mean it that way It's just we have a very healthy sex life and I'm grateful for that. Well, thank you that No, my but my concern is if they have the relationship is really that good Then then you should be able to talk about it and see if there is something else going on I mean, there are sex therapists too Yeah, and this isn't this is again the most important thing If I can say as a dating relationship coach is to have dialogue. That's the most important thing have conversations There are probably multiple different options. That's not my air of expertise And certainly we're just speaking from our own experiences But ultimately what matters most is having the dialogue about it sooner rather than later because what you don't want Is resentment to happen You don't want twice a month to turn in twice every year type of thing and I suspect you may not be happy at the same time This is the second most common reason for divorce centers around physical intimacy relationship You don't want to just throw it away without without having a dialogue something. Okay. Yeah Thank you so much for that question. Really appreciate boy. We've got a lot of comments here um Let's see All right, this will be the last one for the evening question the gentleman I've been dating Uh demonstrates all the love language except he's struggling to be sexually intimate. Oh my gosh another one Well, I think we just addressed that Colleen. So I hope that helps Well, if he's struggling to be sexually intimate, yeah, that may be like An erectile dysfunction dysfunction type of thing Uh, again, thank god for blue pills. You have that you have the conversation because It's a lot easier now than it was, you know Okay, so let me ask you so some women are afraid of having that conversation because that might um Might feel the make the man feel less than a man miss a man. He might be feeling shame You're an expert at this and what I mean to say is you are really good at having the tough conversations I've noticed that in our relationship. So do you have I mean in your you know in the wires in your brain I have a lot of wires. Okay. Is there something you think you would say If that were the case if that were the case that Well, if that was the issue, I would you know, I would say, you know, I I really love the way our relationship is going and um, there's only one thing that perhaps um, I would like to find some improvement and I don't know if there's a reason why we're not As intimate as we could be And and if I can help you in any way Perhaps find a doctor or someone to see so you I mean, do you really feel I want you to sit with this for a second Do you really feel like that's what you would say to someone? I feel I could say it. Yeah. Okay. Why not? No, I was really I again What I appreciate most about you, sweetheart is you have a way of bringing up the tough conversations in a very elegant classy Non-confrontational way, but more and more importantly in a sensitive way. I really appreciate that about you Thank you. Um, so I was I was asking you that because that's not one that I'm good at teaching my clients That's a really tough one because for men Just like for a woman, you know That women have their own sexual stuff going on that can be Very difficult for a man to say and a man might stick his foot in his mouth, you know poorly Again, I say if it's sincere and from the heart speak speak from the heart like what you do But you practice and I hope that helped for you. So thank you so much um, do you want to go another couple minutes or let's see Um, I want to get off the subject of erectile dysfunction Uh All right, let's see what we've got here bump bump bump Chatting with a guy online seems all right. Let's try one of this. I'm not sure this is a real question I just spent a few months chatting with a guy who seemed keen But when it finally came to action meeting up, he just doesn't follow up and it's in the same city Where is the line? Sounds to me like you just wanted a pen pal, you know, sadly people are lonely They are what a friend of mine called monitor mice meaning back when we used our Computer screens. Um, and now everyone's on their phone. Um I think some I I'm a big proponent using my three Two one three rule. Okay three two one three Okay, that means if you've met through a dating app or a dating site You have roughly about three email exchanges or text exchanges. Okay That should turn into one or two telephone calls So we went from three to two one to two telephone calls Okay, that one to two telephone calls should turn into one date and all within a three week period of time If you live in the same city There's no reason why someone who doesn't live in the same city can't meet you in less than three weeks from the initial contact Use my rule three two one three and that will avoid these extended. Oh my god during covid We could get into drawn out conversations, but you know, I didn't do it that way. You didn't what was your I I would immediately want to Want to go from the app to the phone Yeah, because you can always block somebody so who cares I gave my phone number Okay, and then a conversation. I just wanted to get off the app and into the world Yeah, but I'm going to assume there's some men that you're communicating with that You might have had a communication on a monday and by the time it turned into a phone call It was a friday and by the time you arranged the date it was you know within two to three weeks I I probably would have moved on by then You're like meet me at gibson's atalia at you know six o'clock and move on You know folks, I think that'll be a great place to wrap up for today We had a lot of great questions come in. I want to thank everyone who shared some questions and certainly those that had Also purchased a super sticker super chat folks if you found value in this conversation I want to please hit that thumbs up. Please hit that like button. Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new Also, if you need some support in your love life check out the links below to a free discovery call with me Can't afford coaching check out my group called midlife love mastery if you need help recovering from a divorce there's uh divorce recoverer Naked to come naked divorce naked recovery ask for a del throne Use my name. Uh, check out all the books. I recommend it as well We're gonna wrap up this video as we always do first off. I want to give you a big gigantic john thamara Do I get one back? Yeah, okay. Thanks Thanks, sweetheart. Everyone. Thanks so much. Have a great evening. Be well. Bye now