 Note, this document has been designated a lathe class info hazard. Your access has been logged and you will submit to an examination to assess its impact no later than two days from this moment. If you have accessed this document unintentionally, cease reading immediately and contact the Cognito Hazard Research Group. Item Number SCP-022-J Object Class Keter Special Containment Procedures Due to widespread public knowledge of SCP-022-J, containment of SCP-022-J is limited to mitigating the damage caused by its effects. To this effect, the following procedures are to be enacted. The availability of SCP-022-J is to be reduced by means including but not limited to, suppressing research into more efficient methods of refining SCP-022-J ores. Limiting the mining of areas rich in SCP-022-J ores under the guise of, for example, protection of endemic species. Suppressing front companies to artificially drive up the price of SCP-022-J in order to limit the damage due to effects of SCP-022-J-1. Suppressing public awareness of SCP-022-J's physical properties to prevent SCP-022-J-2 effects from manifesting. To this effect, media containing counterfactual information with regards to the physical properties and proper uses of SCP-022-J are to be reduced and propagated. Suppressing public awareness of SCP-022-J's anomalous properties. Treatment of individuals severely affected by SCP-022-J-2 by Class B amnestics. Because the risks SCP-022-J-1 poses to Foundation personnel, especially those in charge of designing containment procedures, any containment procedures proposal containing relevant keywords are to be checked by personnel immunized against SCP-022-J-1. Organizing agents of choice, such as chocolate, beer, diazepam, Xanax, cannabis, are to be available to such personnel to mitigate the effects of SCP-022-J-2. Description SCP-022-J is the pure solid form of chemical element commonly known as titanium of atomic number 22 and average molar mass of 47.86 grams per mole. In its active state, SCP-022-J appears as a shiny, hard solid of density approximately 4.5 grams per cubic centimeter and melting point of approximately 1,940 degrees Kelvin. SCP-022-J behaves as a paramagnetic metal in most aspects and possesses a tensile strength of roughly 434 megapascals, remarkable for its low density. SCP-022-J is an info hazard. Most about it causes the manifestation of two distinct sets of symptoms, designated SCP-022-J-1 and SCP-022-J-2. SCP-022-J-1 initially manifests when an individual with no prior knowledge is exposed to incomplete or erroneous information about SCP-022-J's physical properties and its recommended usage. Individuals under the effects of SCP-022-J-1 will gradually begin to assert the superiority of SCP-022-J as a structural material, and recommend or attempt to enforce its use as such whenever possible, even in cases where this has a significant negative effect on functionality. Common terms used by affected individuals with reference to SCP-022-J include strongest metal in the world, super tough super metal, refined impenetrable metal, and the he-man of materials. Even in the cases where this behavior induces a performance failure or deficiency, an affected individual will refuse to acknowledge that they fucked up seriously, who the fuck makes a titanium anchor? SCP-022-J's role in the incident, inventing increasingly bizarre alternative explanations. SCP-022-J-2 manifests when an individual fucking gets a clue, is it so hard to read the goddamn standard? Is exposed to accurate information about SCP-022-J's physical properties and correct recommended usage guidelines. Individuals already affected by SCP-022-J-1 can't fucking get it in their goddamn heads with a hammer. I hear about titanium being the strongest metal, I will punch them in the dick with a fist made of goddamn show considerable resistance to SCP-022-J-2. This is affected by SCP-022-J-2 display signs of anger and mental distress at mentions of pure titanium or its usage to the point of becoming physically violent. This is especially marketed when the triggers are usual vectors of SCP-022-J-1 such as media containing examples of inappropriate uses of SCP-022-J. No, fuck this, there's no SCP-022-J-2, there's nothing wrong with me, anyone reasonable would fucking freak out when seeing the 50th SCP proposal calling for a 5 foot big titanium walls. You'd have punched him too, I'll give them titanium in their damn faces with a titanium dildo. This is a titanium conspiracy to sell more titanium, whatever the fuck they make of titanium, I will show them who's fucking titanium balls are in the titanium vise, motherf- Addendum 022-J-1, Incident 022-J-1, Forward, on SCP-720 while working on the SCP-022-J report, Researcher Eisenberg, further referred to as Subject, succumbed to the effects of SCP-022-J-2, transcript of security camera footage follows, begin log, 1900 hours, Subject begins work on SCP-022-J report, 1900 hours 30 minutes, Subject commences chewing on a pencil, 1900 hours 41 minutes, Subject bites pencil through, 1900 hours 44 minutes, Subject sees the spitting out splinters, curses loudly, 1900 hours 49 minutes, Subject loosens his tie, takes out an unidentified pill and swallows it, taking a drink from the nearby flower pot, slumping on the chair, 1900 hours 54 minutes, Subject resumes work, 20 hours 38 minutes, Subject's typing rate increases, 20 hours 39 minutes, Subject begins bashing keyboard with his fists, 20 hours 40 minutes, Subject tears out keyboard from the workstation and runs out into the joining hall screaming incoherently, 20 hours 45 minutes, Subject uses keyboard to assault a security guard, yelling, quote, I'll give you titanium cages, I'll give you titanium tits, you cunt-wacked ass cheeks, end quote, and is promptly subdued, end log, closing statement, Researcher Eisenberg was restrained and isolated in Section 5 Medical Wing on Site 19, Researcher Eisenberg's Level 2 slash 022-J clearance was revoked, and he is relieved of his duties until his mental state stabilizes. Work on SCP-022-J documentation overhaul has been suspended, and the existing document classified as a lathe-class info hazard. Hello Foundation staff, this is Level 2 Researcher Theron Sherman, and today's broadcast is regarding just a really weird one, okay? Item number, SCP-063-J. Object class? Not Euclid. Special Containment Procedures. SCP-063-J is to be stored in a Standard Issue Foundation Aquatic Containment Box. During the winter months, SCP-063-J may be checked out for experimentation, with explicit permission from O5-2. Due to previous frequent containment breaches, at no point during the summer is SCP-063-J allowed to be removed from its container. Description, SCP-063-J is a surface made of polyvinyl chloride resin with topological genus 0. When filled, SCP-063-J most closely resembles a sphere. Attempts to characterize the shape of SCP-063-J while empty, beyond trivial topological classification, are ongoing but have been described as frustrating and pointless. The anomalous properties of SCP-063-J manifest in two distinct effects. The first is that any individual that is made aware of SCP-063-J undergoes a compulsion to bring it to the immediate vicinity of the nearest large body of water that the individual deems clean. This effect appears to be seasonal. The second is that SCP-063-J cannot be classified as Euclid. Junior Researcher Ryman was recalled from his vacation to investigate the second anomalous effect. Alright, we got a table here with a few tests. Prompt. Junior Researcher Ryman was asked to fill SCP-063-J. Test. Inflated SCP-063-J halfway before running out of breath. Took a 5 minute rest then continued. Result. Success. Prompt. Junior Researcher Ryman was asked to classify the geometry of a filled SCP-063-J. Test. Spent 7 hours trying to draw two parallel lines on SCP-063-J. Result. Failure. Prompt. Junior Researcher Ryman was asked to draw a triangle with angles adding up to 180 degrees on SCP-063-J. Test. Spent 4 hours drawing before running out of sharpie ink. Result. Please, it's a beach ball. Note from Junior Researcher Ryman. Okay, I don't know how many times I have to explain this. Just because things are non-Euclidean doesn't mean that they're anomalous or spooky. So what if you can't draw parallel lines on it or sum the angles of a triangle to 180? It's a beach ball. There are so many other interesting geometries like hyperbolic or seafert fibers. And look, I've been thinking about one that tracks the inner product on an arbitrary smooth manifold and... update. Junior Researcher Ryman's access to SCP-063-J has been revoked because something is wrong with him. Junior Researcher Ryman is also no longer allowed to talk about esoteric geometries. Item number SCP-J. Object Class Special Containment Procedures. In a box in my office. Description. It's a rock that makes you procrastinate. Addendum? Probably memetic or something. I'll finish writing this up later. Dr. Vang. Greetings, this is O513. If you are watching this briefing, you have been tasked with learning about SCP-001-J. Let's begin. Item number SCP-001-J. Object Class Yove. Special Containment Procedures. SCP-001-J is under no circumstances to be allowed access to monetary gifts of any kind. Staff must relinquish all currency on their person before engaging in any interaction with SCP-001-J. The containment of SCP-001-J does not appear at this time to be attainable by the Foundation. However, due to SCP-001-J's apparent apprehension involving creditors, it may be possible to affect containment through such entities. More research is needed in this field. Description. SCP-001-J is an omniscient, omnipotent, omnitemporal entity named Michael Cain, who is the primary deity worshiped by a group of religious zealots calling themselves the Church of the Broke God. SCP-001-J wields great and terrible cosmic power while possessing a distinct and crippling lack of adequate financial planning skills. SCP-001-J requires a significant influx of cash money in order to pay, in his own words, the water bill, child support payments, bread, and some of those little hot dogs because protein is a must if you're just barely making ends meet. However, any amount of money given to SCP-001-J by any individual and for any reason will somehow mysteriously disappear, despite SCP-001-J's insistence that it was not spent on booze, cigarettes, and porno mags. Discovery. SCP-001-J was discovered by O5-1 on a business trip to New York during an event later described by SCP-001-J as, that time you totally contained me. Where O5-1 stopped SCP-001-J from stealing a bagel by shouting, hey, don't steal that bagel. Ever since, O5-1 offered to pay for SCP-001-J's bagel and gave him a few bucks for a cab. SCP-001-J has left no fewer than 17,000 voicemails on O5-1's phone, typically asking for money or, in some cases, talking at length about unrelated events before eventually asking for money. Addendum 001-J1. Recorded voicemails. The following voicemails were received by O5-1's office between April 20th, 2017, and May 1st, 2017. Notably, both the Global Occult Coalition and the Serpent's Hand also confirmed that SCP-001-J had called them asking for money during this time, while the Chaos Insurgency reported that SCP-001-J had called them, but only burped into the phone for 15 seconds and hung up. Voicemail 1. Hello. You've reached the office of O5-1. Please leave your name and your number, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Hey, Adam. It's me, Mike. Mike Kane, you know, from that one time he met when you contained me. Yeah, I know that wasn't a super great look, but hey, look at me now, huh? Got a whole congregation together and everything. So, that's great. While I'm here, I was gonna ask you something. See, I'm really trying to put things back on track, you know, get life moving in a positive direction. I wanna get some stuff, you know, to keep up appearances, but I'm a little short on scratch, you know? I know you probably got your own stuff going on, but you can spare like a short-term loan of like $200. That'd be super, you know? You know I'm good for it, absolutely good for it. Anyway, just give me a call back when you get a chance. Thanks again, buddy. Hello, you've reached the office of 05-1. Please leave your name and your number, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Adam, my man, what's happening? I haven't heard back from you yet, but I definitely still try to string together a few pennies, you know, pay off some bills, get that sort of thing taken care of. Really though, $200 might be a stretch, right? Because I've really only met that one time, and I know this thing's pretty foreign, I get that. I do. So I'm thinking really, if I could come up with like $100, I would really get me settled, you know, fucking me for any other, you know? Try to make a change. I know you get me. Thanks again, my man. Voice mail 3 Hello, you've reached the office of 05-1. Please leave your name and your number, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Have you been talking to that GOC son of a bitch? He doesn't know anything about me, Adam. Nothing. I don't even know his name. Look, I probably sounded drunk the other night, and you know what? Maybe I was. This whole thing is a process, right? It's not going to happen all at once. I own that. I definitely own that, but look, I noticed that $100 would do it, but really, I'm just trying to come up with like whatever I can. I'm supposed to take my kids, yeah, my kids. I'm supposed to take my kids to the kid museum? You can give me there for like 20 bucks. So if I can make that happen, I mean, me and you? Oh, that would be perfect. 20 bucks, right? Like, that's nothing. Anyway, hit me up, bro. Voice mail 4 Hello? You've reached the office of 05-1. Please leave your name and your number, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. All right, fine. You know what? I know you got me blocked or something and I get that. I don't blame you. I'm calling from my cousin's Yabbi's place. He's a good dude, right? Look, I've got some guys I need to get paid, you know, who I borrowed some money from and they've been pretty insistent about this whole thing. So at this point, really, anything would be perfect. Five bucks even. Whatever you've got laying around in your desk, you know, anything I could give these guys. So give me a ring there, homie. That would be great. Voice mail 5 Hello? You've reached the office of 05-1. Please leave your name and your number, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Um, Adam. I know you're there. Pick up the phone, Adam. Come on, it's your old pal Mike. Remember the good times we had that one time? I'm seriously in a pinch here, my man, and if you've got like cans or scrap metal laying around, I could take off your hands. That would be fine. Plastic bottles even. I got a guy who will give me 15 cents per pound of drier lint. I know you guys do a lot of laundry. Come on, man. You know I'm good for it. Totally good for it. I'm serious about that drier lint. Hello, Adam. Hello. Good afternoon, Foundation staff. This is Dr. Theron Sherman. Today's briefing, while mildly annoying, doesn't contain any objectionable material. So let's begin. Item number, SCP-5280-J. Object class, Euclid-Ubic. Special Containment Procedures. Subjects found using SCP-5280-J are primarily located in the United States, Liberia, and, to a lesser extent, the United Kingdom and its Commonwealths. These areas collectively comprise SCP-5280-J's primary containment area. While this area is inherently nonsensical, it has been deemed safe for habitation by civilians and personnel. Instances of SCP-5280-J have been located outside of containment in the past. However, these instances are not considered likely to spread SCP-5280-J due to its inferiority. Containment of SCP-5280-J is focused on attempting to eliminate its use on a case-by-case basis. Administration of Procedure 101010, codename, Dope Slaps. To subjects attempting to use SCP-5280-J is currently the most effective method of treatment. Repeated application of this procedure has been effective in curing subjects of habitual SCP-5280-J use in most cases. However, subjects raised in SCP-5280-J's primary containment area are, under most circumstances, incurable outside of scientific, technical, or otherwise professional contexts. Description. SCP-5280-J is a contagious meme that is comprised of several closely related sets of units that, theoretically, are capable of being used to express length, area, capacity, and mass. However, experimentation has shown it to be highly impractical for these purposes. While the basic units of measurements for length and mass are not inherently irrational, conversions between different units of the same quantity is unnecessarily difficult due to the apparently random conversion factors involved. As of yet, SCP-5280-J has resisted all attempts at eradication. This is believed to be an inherent anomalous property compounded by the extent to which it has spread prior to classification. SCP-5280-J had displayed several additional behaviors that the foundation has deemed to be of concern, most notably, actually being used by hundreds of millions of people. This is believed to be an effect inherent in the culture of SCP-5280-J's primary containment area. Personnel are encouraged to adjust their opinions of said cultures accordingly. Appearing on measurement devices that are created in, or are for sale in, SCP-5280-J's primary containment area. While it typically appears alongside conventional metric units, some items, which are collectively designated SCP-5280-J-2, have been located which are labeled only in SCP-5280-J. No purpose for these items has been found, and all have been donated to Site 43's shooting range. Appearance on reports submitted by recently recruited Foundation recruits. While this is easily corrected, repeated occurrence of an anomalous item affecting staff members is nonetheless cause for concern. Several staff members have individually claimed to make it their mission to correct all instances of SCP-5280-J found in official Foundation documents. Personnel are discouraged from alerting said staff as to the futility of their endeavors. Addendum. Further research has discovered several additional properties that have been deemed of note. SCP-5280-J has a unit of length called a furlong. Further investigation into how this was allowed to happen is required. Subjects found using SCP-5280-J sometimes claim that it is superior to the metric system. Procedure 1231760, codename Face Palms, has been deemed an inappropriate response to this behavior. A request to upgrade SCP-5280-J to Ketter has been denied, due to the fact that SCP-5280-J is just a mildly annoying and irrational way of doing things that people take far too seriously. Good afternoon Foundation staff, this is Dr. Theron Sherman. Today's briefing doesn't contain any objectionable material, so let's begin. Item number. SCP-3472-J. Classification level 2. Object class, safe. Special containment procedures. SCP-3472-J is to be stored inside a padded locker in the high value anomalous object storage wing of Site 56. No further containment measures are necessary. On the order of Site Director Agatha Drummond, testing of SCP-3472-J is to be held indefinitely. Description. SCP-3472-J is a 500 milliliter glass vial filled with a viscous, semi-translucent, blue substance. The contents of the bottle replenish at a rate of 5 milliliters an hour while not full. Foreign substances are blocked from entering SCP-3472-J by an invisible barrier. Five minutes after an individual ingests more than 20 milliliters of SCP-3472-J's contents, they will enter a comatose state lasting between two and five hours. Upon waking, subjects report experiencing vivid dreams from the point of view of a man named Jamison Maddox, hereby referred to as SCP-3472-1-J. Recovered documentation suggests that such dreams share an internally consistent, if anachronistically presented timeline. SCP-3472-J was recovered during a raid on the residents of Annetta Maddox. Ms. Maddox had been chronicling her usage of SCP-3472-J in a journal prior to recovery. Unfortunately, Ms. Maddox perished during the raid and was therefore unable to be questioned. Among Ms. Maddox's possessions was the following letter, allegedly written by SCP-3472-1-J. It reads, My beloved daughter, In time, no doubt, you'll come to hate me for the things I've done. I admit to my cowardice, my foolishness, the sickening simian frame of mind that colored my sins. I will not defend my actions. All I ask is that you come to understand the why of it. Signed, Jamison Maddox. Experiment log. Experiment 1. Subject, Dr. Jeremiah Samarian. Protocol. Dr. Samarian will ingest 20 milliliters of SCP-3472-J's contents, after which he will record his experiences. Results. While attempting to drink from SCP-3472-J, Dr. Samarian fumbled and accidentally dropped it onto the floor. SCP-3472-J shattered upon impact and did not retain anomalous properties. Final note. If anyone needs me, I'll be off sulking in a corner while Command transfers me into D-Class. Signed, Dr. Samarian. Well, shouldn't have dropped it. Good afternoon, Foundation staff. This is Dr. Theron Sherman. Today's briefing doesn't contain any objectionable material, so let's begin. Item number, SCP-649-2568. Object Class, Keter. Special Containment Procedures. SCP-649-2568 is to be kept in a standard animal containment unit. Under no circumstances is SCP-649-2568 to be allowed to discuss geological or geographic details. Interviews of SCP-649-2568 should be scheduled daily, with a focus on any future escape attempts. All other testing involving SCP-649-2568 requires approval from the project director. Description. SCP-649-2568 is an entity which superficially resembles the species Unectis Nataeus. Despite this resemblance, SCP-649-2568 retains the personality and speech patterns of a human male. SCP-649-2568 has shown a capacity to reshape any geological features it sees or has heard described. These reshaping events exclusively affect any features the entity deems as quote, too flat. This has in the past included planes, marshes, and the ocean floor. During reshaping events, these locations will experience several seconds of tremors, followed by the growth of an extrusion, generally at the geographic center of the area seen or described. These extrusions will rise above the surrounding land and have uniformly possessed steep sides with flat tops. No known force has been capable of stopping this growth, though the internal structure of these formations have displayed no anomalous properties beyond their creation. Furthermore, when interviewed, SCP-649-2568 displays a compulsion to disclose the truthful answer to any inquiry. This compulsion has led to the discovery of several escape attempts, including one involving anomalous contact with an outside organization. Due to the linking of its reshaping ability to descriptions of locations, the method of this anomalous contact must be determined to affect continued containment. While interviews with SCP-649-2568 have proven effective in limiting this contact, care must be taken to avoid further restructuring events during those interviews. The following interview between Dr. Sumerian and SCP-649-2568 took place very shortly after containment. Hello, in your own words, please describe yourself. Well, I like big buttes and I cannot lie. Following this admission, the interview was suspended until further questions could be approved by the project director. Good afternoon Foundation staff, this is Dr. Theron Sherman. Today's briefing doesn't contain any objectionable material, so let's begin. Um, this is a completely blank document. What's going on here? What am I looking at, guys? Oh, okay, there's an email chain. Maybe we'll get some answers. From Nicholas May Logistic Division, to Director Marion Wheeler, Anti-Memetics Division, Subject Urgent SCP Blank-J. Good morning, Director Wheeler. As you can see in the file linked to my email, an SCP slot seems to have acquired anti-memetic properties. I am asking for your assistance on the matter. Such anomalies seem to be common in your field, thus I do not think it would be a hard challenge for you and your researchers. I eagerly await your response. Best regards, Nicholas May. Next email, from Director Marion Wheeler, Anti-Memetics Division, to Nicholas May Logistic Division, Subject Regarding Urgent SCP Blank-J. Mr. Nicholas May. Maybe before you cry anti-memes, you should actually check if you pressed save. Idiot. Um, well, my apologies to Nick for broadcasting this to all of our listeners. Good afternoon Foundation staff, this is Dr. Theron Sherman. Today's briefing doesn't contain any objectionable content, but it is kind of weird and unprofessional, so we need to figure out why it's on the database. Let's begin. Item number, SCP-5417-J. Object Class is called Keter. Special Containment Procedures. Just make it far away from us, okay, big guys. SCP-5417-J, stay in its home of crystal and shiny. Thank you, big guys. Also is contained song we sing make 5417-J stay in home. Please memory it. It is no for good. It is no for spackle. Please stay home. It should be where the bad knackle. Description. SCP-5417-J is small white squares of deadly. Also called the knackle. Sometime fall from sky. When it touches, burn awful. Make us dead. Please keep deadly in container of crystal and shiny. That it's home big guys. If big guys must eat deadly, please keep on big guys food not fall on tiny doctors. Addendum one. On many day ago, Dr. Tropod have SCP-5417-J fall on him. He died bad pain. Horrible. I cry for him. Dr. Mluske also sad. Stay in his house three day. No work get done. He quote, this worst day since SCP-8899 call Mr. Baguette, worst mister, reach its home devour many tiny doctors. Entire Mobile Task Force team pepper gone. Addendum two. Apologies for my goo on letter buttons big guys. Signed Dr. Slugo. Addendum three. Also thank for tiny lab coats big guys. Are practical. Signed Dr. Cargo. Addendum four. Request tiny pocket protects. Ink bad mix with goo. Thank. Signed Dr. I stocks. Addendum five. Request granted I guess. Researcher Yuki made them for you. Signed Dr. Corden. Addendum six. Thank big guys you best. We decide you security clear upgrade now Helix level. Access grant to visit tiny doctor houses if big guys can learn be tiny too. Signed Dr. Cargo. All right staff that ends our broadcast whatever it was. Use your foundation and krypton youtube account to like comment subscribe hit the bell and support our broadcast at patreon.com site 42 secure contain protect oh it was snails good afternoon foundation staff this is dr. Theron Sherman today's briefing contains extremely objectionable content I mean seriously fucked so if you're not up for that what are you doing working for the foundation this is your job suck it up item number scp5972-j object class fucking keter jesus christ special containment procedures scp5972-j is to be kept in containment locker 5972-j access to this locker is to be barred to all male personnel even if they're drunk and their buddies bet them they couldn't get in description scp5972-j is a standard vacuum cleaner produced by the Kirby company scp5972-j appears to be a sentient predator males viewing scp5972-j will feel a sudden compulsion to stick their genitalia into the vacuum tube scp5972-j will then activate it maximum power and yeah fuck scp5972-j has a secondary memetic effect males are reading about its effects will feel extremely uncomfortable this is followed by a contraction of the thigh muscles until the legs fully cover the genitalia and a series of sharp inhalations yeah that that's accurate addendum 5972-j interview log 5972-j interviewed d5748 a 25 year old male interviewer dr. Valin forward testing of the secondary effects of scp5972-j begin log i'm going to tell you what this thing does and we're just going to engage your reaction all right all right so it's this vacuum cleaner right and when you see it you want to put your dick in it uh that's fucked up man i know crazy shit anyways you put your dick in it and it turns on oh shit and then it just sucks your dick right off oh shit it sucks up the nuts too oh god man what the fuck it's fucked up man like seriously shit i've seen a lot of crazy shit here but man fuck this i need to go out for some air want a drink i need a fucking six pack and log closing statement d5748 was glad to face his month-end termination stating quote at least they didn't put my dick in that fucked up vacuum amen that good afternoon foundation staff this is dr. Theron Sherman today's briefing does not contain any injectable material but it does contain the best absolute banger of an scp item number scp7394-j object class keter special containment procedures scp7394-j is to be kept in a small box in janitorial assistant james's closet who will tweet every time scp7394-j let's rip a hilarious one janitorial assistant james is to use the hashtag keter frogfarts description scp7394-j is a small tree frog species unknown with the ability to causing massive internal bleeding and psychological trauma in subjects caught within a two kilometer radius of scp7394-j approximately 259 deaths have been traced back to scp7394-j this effect is overshadowed however by scp7394-j's hilarious ability to fart whenever it pops researchers have concluded that this fucking beast just won't stop letting them rip and scp7394-j has been a major hit at almost every party it is pretty much the funniest thing you'll ever see just trust researchers on this although certain recommendations towards creating stricter containment have been voiced these have been downplayed in favor of increasing exposure to scp7394-j's humorous gaseous melodies personnel voicing these precautions obviously have no sense of humor they would just watch scp7394-j farting at least once researchers hypothesize they'll finally understand why this is so fucking entertaining addendum 7394-j-1 incident log a bridge due to length scp7394-j bridges containment from site 44 21 personnel casualties three civilian nuclear failsafe deployed following breach of scp scp and scp last message from site 44 did this really loud beer fart we all lost our shit yeah with good reason uh 5320 restom on scp7394-j lets out silent but deadly fart hilarity ensued personnel left permanently disabled on a ceasefire is called its site during an attack by chaos insurgents in order to allow the insurgents to hear scp7394-j insurgents later admitted quote that was all we really came to do it lived up to all of our expectations damn right it did fighting resumed resulting in estimated casualties on scp7394-j breach containment and managed to enter the site cafeteria it subsequently began to consume a plate of scp666 and a half dash j while it was located there the result of this incident has been deemed a medic hazard and has not been transcribed here and scp2000 was activated shortly however janitorial assistant james describes the incident as quote 10 gulf war oil spills with each drop of oil being imbued with pure uranium the fart was still hilarious though hashtag apollyon frog farts righteous addendum 7394-j-2 audio log recorded by doctor mayreeter play audio log good evening scp737394 we would like to conduct an interview an interview regarding regarding the nature the nature thank you for your okay that concludes today's broadcast foundation staff use your foundation encrypted youtube account like comment subscribe hit the bell and support our broadcast at patreon.com site 42 secure contain protect hahahaha item number scp1994-j object class amazing special containment procedures oh my gosh you have to throw it with me at least five no seven no twenty nine times a day oh and we have to go to the park too can we go to the park please please please can we go to the park description it's a big shiny green ball and i love to play with it sometimes he tries to trick me when he hides it behind his back but i am smarter than him we go out in the front lawn and he throws it back and forth and it's awesome and what's that mother f***ing male man doing here yeah you better go away mother f***er will you throw it in the pool please please please i love when you throw the ball in the pool and i go get it yay addendum i love the pool good afternoon foundation staff this is dr theron sherman today's briefing does not contain any objectionable material that is unless you've worked at the foundation this long having a problem with censorship and thought policing the general populace didn't think so now this is a reminder that this briefing is brought to you by the site 42 broadcast network which brings you the best possible news anomaly briefings and entertainment content in the foundation verse head to the site 42 beacon in the description to support our mission on patreon and other social media using your encrypted foundation issued accounts steve let's begin item number scp 1984-j classification level 2 restricted containment class keter description class amita risk class notice special containment procedures george orwell's estate must be seized at all costs after this publication of scp 1984-j will be halted indefinitely copies of scp 1984-j will be gathered by mobile task force delta 9184 codename the over specifics where after they are to be incinerated simultaneously with these efforts latent c-class amnestics are to be released by air throughout the planet once all copies of scp 1984-j have been destroyed these amnestics are to be activated permanently eliminating any memory of scp 1984-j from human consciousness description scp 1984-j is the novel 1984 by English author george orwell scp 1984-j tells the story of a hypothetical dystopia in which independent thought is criminalized and an unseen character called big brother is worshiped as a dictator sounds like a complete narcissist what's the point of having a shadow government if they have a cute nickname for you scp 1984-j compels people who are aware of it to compare any use of controller power to the dystopia portrayed in orwell's work no matter how absurd of a comparison this may be consult addendum 1 for more information while no individual appears entirely immune to this effect individuals who have actually read scp 1984-j seem much less susceptible addendum 1 the following is an incomplete list of concepts compared to scp 1984-j by foundation staff the use of amnestics to maintain the veil the scp foundation's numerous misinformation campaigns the containment of humanoid anomalies being requested not to defecate in a personal trash can the termination of a portuguese tribal community the implementation of acs the anomaly classification system across the scp foundation site 4214's dress code policies specifically the wearing of safety goggles during experiments project whack-a-mole the united states government doing anything ever for any reason the dictionary redaction and expungement of non-info hazards or cognitive hazards the existence of gay people the implementation of stringent countermeasures to control dangerous thought across the non-anomalous world through introduction of alternative facts so as to maintain a safe normalcy any political ideology except for neoliberalism neoliberalism quote every religion that has ever existed i swear and quote internet moderation oh wait a minute we seem to have a new message regarding this document let's check it out from jamie van petrel site 4214 researcher to gummy johnson site 4214 director the special containment procedures for scp 1984-j concern me as an anomaly scp 1984-j poses no real threat to the veil or to humanity and yet we are going out of our way to eliminate an iconic work of literature from the public consciousness this feels wrong i get scp 1984-j can be annoying at times but surely there are better ways of handling it than this right now it just all feels a bit fahrenheit 451 it sounds like van petrel is having an are we the baddies moment go and nest his eyes and re-educate them before they go all v for vendetta on us okay all right staff that ends our broadcast use your foundation encrypted youtube account to like comment subscribe hit the bell and support our broadcasts on patreon.com slash site 42 secure contain protect thank you for listening site 42 studios and its staff are funded by viewers like you please become a patreon or visit our merch store at the link in our bio to support our work secure contain protect