 I mean, it's no verb, bro, it's okay to do that now. Don't let me try, don't let me try. I don't even know how to start this. So jump in, shall we? Hello to you guys, welcome back to my channel. Can you hear hi hello? I'm Lydia. Today I'm lying down to film a video. I did originally have a different video lined up to go up, but I wasn't happy with it. Literally an hour before the video was supposed to be up today and I'm filming because I wasn't happy the first one I had. Today! Quick shout out to my good friend Louise, who has just done a video sharing her diary. Please go check out her channel, please go watch the video, please go show her some love, show her some support, and go through something that I haven't done on this channel. I thought I could go through my journal and properly dive in deep. Today we're doing another diary reading. Now this diary, this journal, is from my hospital admission this year. This was the one that took place in April. Get on with this, let's get into it. To be completely honest, my life right now is completely chaotic. I don't even know where I'm at at the moment or what's going on. All I know is life at the moment is really complicated. I think this is as good as an intro as I can give. I'm not a writer. What's up? What happened? I'm here. I'm from the future. Today this little shout out goes to Ryan's life. Love what she does, and I felt like giving her a shower in today's video. And with that, I'm going to disappear again back into the past and edit this into the past. My camera's not recording on me. I rude of it. So, the 27th of April 2019, at Northwood Park, A&A. So with this trial, I was in the seclusion. This A&A department, Northwood Park, has a mental seclusion room in A&A. I was in there for nearly two full days, and it drove me mad. And this is from that. So this is the 27th of April this year. I've been setting this room for over 24 hours, so it really has been a long time. A seclusion room is not where I thought 2019 was going to take me. But I guess it's where we are at. Honestly, I did the quotation marks because it was like, it wasn't a bad... You would give her a better bed when you're in police custody than they have in a seclusion room. So, yeah, no, this bed wasn't a bed. What's really been bothering me today is not being able to have my medication, the correct time, or even the right medication. I don't really know what this hospital have found so hard about getting the right medication. I've genuinely never had this much of a problem before. But hey, here I am. So let's take it as it comes together. This is our journey because I know a lot of people are going through this too. I just don't realise I haven't explained anything at all. It comes to... Why am I actually here or anything? So maybe it's trying for some free text. A few weekends ago, I lost my friend. Well, lost my friend, close friend, to suicide. And to be real with you, it's completely not all it brought me. There's a lot of emotion in these pages, guys. This time, the staff seemed a bit worried about me. I was telling them they couldn't wait to be rid of me. There must have been a difference being this time I actually did come with Roe, and I did try to step in front of an underground. I didn't say my mind was in a pretty dark place. The support staff, I resupported. I tried calling the Brent home treatment team and got hung up on proving even more to them that they wasn't doing their job. It supported me. And other people, something I have been saying since I first went under the latter year. On active April, Shore Ward, Park Rail. Last night, I got transferred back to the same ward I was on only five years ago. Honestly, this morning hasn't been easy. I've been away since around 7am. I had a massive anxiety attack because I don't know how to face people when I know they are going to be looking at me because I have massive cuts across my neck. And nothing to hide them with. So right into the wall of silence, got to the reception and got my medication. They asked me why my medication was so messed up. The discharge letter hadn't gone through properly. This morning I've had lorazepam and then the vaccine which result in my mood a little bit. Let's see where the day takes us. I feel really broken at the moment. I think at the moment so much when I write is ridiculous and I don't really know why. What I do is clearly my life is being really chaotic and so many things have happened to me. At this point I just can't deal with anything at the moment. I was like how many times do I say at the moment? I'm going to start writing for a bit. Why did I write that? For the rest of the day I have very much laying in bed. That's all. I did a good job at keeping like daily logs of what I was doing in that. I'm actually really bad at doing that. I forget to do that. I haven't written a journal entry. About 2 weeks. 29th April. I woke up in an okay mood today. Little stressed out. I don't have access to the intensive look that all I need to do for UNA. That's all I wrote. What? I've got this. Oh, what? What? I hope this is the one problem I'm doing in this age. I'm explaining to Marta. It's just a blocking page. There's nothing after that. It literally goes from that to that. Why is there nothing else? Thanks, Mia. Bye, guys. Go, Mia.