 Hey guys, I should straighten myself out a little bit I Wanted to come in here and tell you that what what's been going on in my life I feel like I've been disconnected from you guys. I used to make a lot of really honest content Honest about what I was going through and like real real and I feel like I Feel like though. I'm happy with the stuff. I'm putting out I've lost that element to what I'm making and I guess this is a perfect opportunity for me to be honest with you guys About what's been going on I'm just I'm kind of burnt out and I'm kind of getting to the other side of it now and I didn't make this video last week because I wanted to I wanted to be true to Stepping away and for those of you who follows me follow me on other social media platforms You know that I kind of put out a little bit of a statement saying that I kind of felt like I was losing myself that I was like so caught up in busy-ness that It just it just muddles everything and for me this is my like life's passion like you guys got to understand that This is like the this consumes so much of my thoughts throughout the day and and just It's never off for me. It's always like go go go go next thing next thing and because of that I find so much Identity in it and I know I know we always say look and I say too don't find your identity or your self-worth in these things Because that's found in Christ and who Christ says you are and I'm like yes I'm with you and yet. I don't know how to do that and so So so often when I'm caught up in busy-ness That's when it gets worse when I'm making so much content and and over the last like six months I've been putting out so much more content than I ever have before and I'm so excited about it and there was so much growth and it was so Wonderful to see something that I've been working on for so long finally quote-unquote work But that's the issue isn't it? It's that that idea of something finally working is a misguided standard anyway this idea that it was only worth it or is only meaningful when It finally I finally got the views that I wanted or it finally got to reach enough people That was misguided in itself But that's kind of when my disordered thinking kicks and when I'm when I'm so distracted when my eyes aren't on the mission Aren't on Jesus. They sway to comparison. They sway to Making sure that that it works and that I'm not a failure and that I'm not a loser and and and then it finally does work and you get so excited and I got so excited about Look look what happened. Look what God did. This is so amazing and then the fear kicks in What what happens if it all fades away and all those anxieties and insecurities that were maybe They're really present with me and those of you who followed me for a long time I've verbalized these things for a long time and all of a sudden those things are kind of covered up temporarily by this by this this success by this this working of what you you wanted to happen and now You're not so worried about those things anymore and now you're just working really hard because it's it's working and and and Your dreams are coming true Yet and yet you know underneath the surface you know underneath the surface that it's not real that there's a big part of you that's just ready to collapse the second it falls away because Because you find yourself in it Instead of in where what where you should be looking towards what you should be doing is is towards Christ And and I don't want to give off this idea that oh man I think all my content is just about getting views or anything like I don't believe that for a second But I'm saying in me I want to give you guys the inner workings of what's going on in my in my mind in my heart because maybe you're experiencing something like it I Feel so much of myself Just falling apart Even at the the smallest The smallest breaking of what has been built to me explain I guess that doesn't make any sense I Have a real hard time looking at YouTube analytics they give me a lot of anxiety and even as Things have grown there have been months where I was really excited to see the growth and and oh my goodness It's it's finally Happening and and so many people are watching so many people are hearing the gospel and and And then as time goes on maybe you get less views than you did or maybe you're not getting as many more Multiplications is a you know all of a sudden it doubles the month and then it doubles again And then the next month it's kind of the same and then you you fear Maybe it's all falling apart and so I don't like to go to that space and I don't like to look at My patrons like that my patreon app it gives me a lot of anxiety because I Feel like it it testifies to me what I'm worth and how I'm doing and my future and God's approval of me and God's love for me and My whether I'm a failure or a success And I don't want to feel this way and I'm not saying I feel this way all the time I don't thankfully like I'm thankful for that But I've been feeling more of that way recently and that's kind of when it come to it came to a head Where I was like I need to I Need to stop this Not stop the mission. I know I'm called to this but Take a step back for as long as it takes for me to Reorient my focus back on to Where my identity truly is? It's not in my work. It's not in my productivity. It And my life can't revolve around me continually Striving to ease the guilt that says I need to do more that what I've done isn't enough that I will never be enough Because in reality nothing I could ever produce Will be enough to save me Will be enough to make me whole To be enough to ease that that shame or that guilt's lingering in the back of my head It's only Christ I Don't make this video because I Want you guys and you know, I'm trying to get all the advice that I can and and you know Because I want you guys to try to fix me or anything like that Like I got plenty of people in my life that I'm working through this with I Share this with you to ask for your prayers and To let you know To let you know that That you're That thing that you're looking towards that goal that dream that you're like once I once I reach this or once I hit that Then I'll be happy then I'll be satisfied then I'll be whole it's a lie and anytime our our focus shifts off of Christ and the mission on to The metrics We're going to be Always disappointed. We're always going to be left broken because When we're building our kingdom, I my pastor talked about this this week and it really it really hit me when we're focused on building our kingdom We're also perpetually anxious about it falling apart But when we build Christ's kingdom, we can have the assurance that his kingdom will never fall apart So where does that leave me? That leaves me with the desire to create not out of anxiety fear a sense of trying to gain worth or Or identity from this but rather out of the love and acceptance and joy that I have already received through Christ seeking to build his kingdom and not my own Because his kingdom will never fail His kingdom will never fade so even when I feel like All the stuff that I've put my life's work into begins to fade away or isn't growing as fast as I would like It doesn't it doesn't need to It doesn't need to keep going that thing doesn't have to quote-unquote work Because this is where God has placed me and as long as I'm seeking his kingdom That's enough. I feel like I Feel like I so often enter this cycle of like this endless guilt and shame and needing to work and be productive And doing as much as I can and then being burnt out And then letting that take over again And I don't want to enter that cycle again. I want to do this for the long term I Have I'm so excited for 2022 and and just beginning to plan out what that's gonna look like because of your guy's support and because of the Where the channel has gone and just everything behind it. It's just so amazing and so exciting But I do not I do not want to continue on my own terms I've experienced once again coming to the end of what I can offer Feeling the stress of needing to come up with more ideas than I can think of The stress of needing to make more content than I can do on my own the stress and the anxiety of not having enough time to do Everything that I feel like I should do the guilt and the shame of not feeling like I'm measuring up to where I should be I've experienced all of that But it was all a means to get me to look back at Christ and say God, I want to do this with you once again I've I've I've let the busyness consume me. I let the I let the content consume me and I want to look back at you and say God, let's let's go. Let's walk. Let's walk together So often we think of God is like a destination like when I work work hard enough and And do well enough then that I reach God But the truth is is that he's walking with us that his power and presence is there with us when we ask when we humble ourselves and So that's where I'm at Well, why I'm crying Yeah, I'm gonna be making I'm gonna be I'm gonna be what am I gonna be doing You'll see videos coming out a lot of videos still daily videos because I have a lot of stockpile videos But just know behind the scenes that I'm working stuff some stuff out that I'm so thankful for each one of you who Decides to support me in any way whether that's walk watching videos or you know being a supporter on patreon or any of those things like I said I'm so excited for 2022 and I just want to get in the right headspace to do that I'm still gonna make some videos this year and And you know I'm gonna do that with more rest and and thought not necessarily thoughtfulness because I do think I put a lot of thoughtfulness in every piece of content that I create but it's like Yeah, I don't know I don't know exactly but I'm gonna be more intentional about taking that space in that time To make sure I do this in a healthy and sustainable way and so like I said, you'll still see more content from me You know and and I'm so you know, I wouldn't be releasing it I didn't think it was gonna be fun and good and entertaining and interesting I'm really proud of the content that that's gonna be coming out But this was just an opportunity for me to open up to you guys about some of the things that I'm doing that This is not easy that I do not have this Together I don't know what I'm doing But I'm so thankful for each one of you and and I want to be more relaxed with with on the channel Sometimes and so if you're in favor, I think I'm gonna be popping in like this from time to time Yeah, appreciate your prayers appreciate your comments I'm not gonna be responding to too many in the comments. Just because too many, you know comments I'm just because I part of my thing is stepping away and taking some time and For my own sanity so When the time comes I'll read them and I appreciate you guys so much We'll see you tomorrow. God bless