 What percentage of the population has issues with mental health that can get in the way of their day-to-day functioning? 100% 100% we all have mental health. We don't all have Severe mental health issues. We are not all clinically diagnosed as something But there are times where I have an ADHD moment and I'm not diagnosed with ADHD There are times where I am feeling more anxious than others. There are times where I'm a bit obsessive about Oh my gosh, did I turn the stove off? I wouldn't classify those as like clinically treatable issues But certainly that is a mental health issue if we're talking about symptoms. I am a 24 years old I am 21. I'm 29 years old. I'm 24 years old. I'm 36 years old I am currently single. I am a divorced single mom of two little boys. I've been in a relationship going on two years I'm currently not in a relationship. I'm single. I am in a relationship. I am married. I'm in an interracial marriage I have ADHD and I deal with anxiety and depression and I am Bipolar with borderline personality disorder. The body does more if you have been battling since a young girl Being a sexual assault survivor. I have borderline personality disorder and I have major depressive disorder I have bipolar to disorder PTSD. I have postpartum anxiety I have diagnosed OCD and panic disorder and I am diagnosed with ADHD and dysphymia The last time that I saw you first of all your first YouTube video 2017 you came to my apartment you taught me how to take sexy photos of my ass Which I don't have one but you taught me how to create one with a pose a lot has happened since then a lot for both of us Well, I want to hear about you. Okay, what's happened to you since then? What's been your experiences? Oh my goodness I think I met you. Yeah right around the time where I knew I wanted to go into sex education Sexology I went and did that's a similar or the same exact program that you did with the Institute of Advanced Study of Human Sexuality And yeah, I was just kind of Strutting down the path of sexuality and Things were starting to take off for me as they have done for you, and I'm so proud of the work you've been doing I really mean that I really do feel that and You know what my life kind of I had a website and then it was like yeah Instagram's blowing up and then I'm doing a podcast. I had a clothing line Doing events. I'm sure you're familiar but with all of that and it was just a lot on me mentally and I kind of had to take a step away from work in my career to go focus on my mental health. I Was just literally losing my mind. I was very suicidal. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping like I really just wasn't functioning So I knew Like no career is worth this I mean, I'm not gonna have a career tomorrow if I'm not gonna be around tomorrow So I decided to take a step back and I took time off of work. I entered a outpatient program at Columbia in New York City and I went to therapy literally in outpatient five days a week Group therapy for four hours a day. Had you never gone to therapy prior to that? I had gone to therapy I actually had a therapist during this time And I felt like it wasn't helping me like I wasn't really able to manage the anxiety or the stress Public speaking was really hard on me And I was touring and speaking at high schools and colleges is speaking at Columbia And I spoke at Brown and doing all of these things that I knew I I love doing but at the same time I was so nervous or so scared and had a lot of Like imposter syndrome I felt like I was struggling with Why me? Why is this my life? There's other people who deserve the success more than me like it was really hard on my self-esteem and I just knew I needed to take a moment and reevaluate my life and what I wanted and so that's what I did What was your diagnosis when you went to the outpatient center? I have borderline personality disorder it's a technically a personality disorder, but it's like nine criteria and Criteria in the DSM and it's like fears of abandonment it's Like impulsive behavior, so that can be sexual that can be gambling a lot of Suicidal ideation really high rates of people with borderline personality actually attempt or commit suicide And it's it's funny because the more and more I talk about this online And I'm really trying to open up the dialogue around mental health I meet other people who are like, oh wow my partner doesn't know I have a personality disorder my partner doesn't know I've tried to commit suicide before and It really speaks to intimacy and building a bond with someone they need to know who you are You know for you to be able to give and receive love Well, the problem is that people because they maybe are high functioning They think it's a part of themselves. They have to tuck away and keep a secret. Oh, I mean that was me for many years years and years and years Yeah, I always felt like I had a mask on literally like Yeah, I couldn't show I didn't want to show anyone the crazy sides of me Because you have a lot of these reinforced ideas of oh if I show them these things that I struggle with they're gonna leave me or They're I'm unlovable. They're not gonna love me And so that was something I really worked on during my five months away and something I really had to come around of My doctor would always tell me my therapist. You're not crazy you have mental illness like you're you're sick and You have to look at it like a physical illness And a lot of people don't understand and unfortunately I've been exposed and come from a family who? They're not really familiar understanding of mental health issues There's so much stigma around mental health that it's not real that people who have depression are lazy That people who are anxious are just high strong And if you got off your phone a little bit like you wouldn't have these problems And I'm like how many times do these studies have to come out? That it's like it's fucking brain chemistry. You want to put me through a CAT scan you can look at my brain It will look different than like an average healthy person your point about making the comparison to physical we understand that Physically certain people are not able to do certain things. Yes, like I cannot dunk a basketball It doesn't matter how much I want to do it or how much I will myself or how much research I do it just more than likely is not Feasible for my body type and accepting the same thing that for you Mentally based on what you are born with it more than likely these things that seem like we'll just do it or just feel it Just accomplish it. You just can't exactly and I think I put pressure on myself because of some of my values or views of like you know, I Don't want to have a partner who cheats on me. I wouldn't stay with them I wouldn't tell my girlfriends to stay with their boyfriend yet. I'm so Freaking out of them abandoning me or going through a breakup that I will stay in this relationship that I know isn't working for me Mm-hmm. How freeing is it to get the diagnosis to know like so freeing like the biggest weight off my shoulders It was so freeing. I mean, yeah, at the same time though I don't want to be defined by my diagnosis, you know So that's a fine line and actually it is very treatable, which is awesome. Let's talk about bringing your Mental health illness into the bedroom into the bedroom and into a relationship. Yeah, a lot of people want to leave it outside I had this conversation with somebody about God actually in interestingly enough that they felt like in order to have sex They had to leave God outside of the bedroom, which it's a big part of their life Their religious beliefs But so it never sex never really felt complete and full because a massive part of them was always waiting outside So they started to invite God into the bedroom sex just got so much better So I'm wondering if you relate to that. No, I definitely relate to that um Yeah, I think there was a lot of fear of Oh man, I don't want to appear a certain way I hope this relationship doesn't get to the point where I start acting crazy and then they leave me So yeah, always putting on a facade. I think I had a real fear of intimacy So I had pushed people away or I've been in relationships where I've cheated on partners because I was afraid of that intimacy like almost self-sabotage and so now with everything that I know and And also not wanting to continue that Spiral or the way my life was going Yeah, I have these conversations with my partners I mean my boyfriend that I'm with currently I told him I was like I struggle with borderline personality disorder And that was that was the first time I had ever told a current partner that bring it up Tell me set the scene for me Oh, I'm really even trying to remember because I feel like it was so casual That's amazing. It wasn't like a like sit down To have your favorite meal. Like it's just something that rolled off the tongue Yeah, and I think also I was looking for a different type of partner after I got out of the hospital I wanted someone that I could communicate with I didn't want to play games or Yeah, try to seduce someone like I came out of there being so much more comfortable with who I am that I wanted a partner who solved me and can accept me for Who I am do I still have issues with my boyfriend? Yeah all the fucking time and I mean relationships are hard and you have to work at them And especially when you're bringing in like a literal personality disorder But yeah, I think I just told him hey I have specific needs in this relationship that such as I Will go little lulu if my partner is like liking other girls photos on instagram and That's just something that makes me feel insecure and then it Will aggravate some of these vulnerabilities or behaviors and when I'm really stressed out Then I can kind of see manic and I don't ever want to get there again Yeah, I just felt like he was so receptive and that's what I knew like wow I found such a genuine good guy and I want to be with this person Because I have been with partners in the past who I I didn't know why I felt that way But I had brought up similar things. Hey when you're liking other girls photos or if you're texting other girls It makes me feel incredibly insecure Which I think is actually kind of normal But specifically with my vulnerabilities. It makes me feel really out of control and kind of crazy And I've had ex-boyfriends be like well. Why do you care so much? So why are you why are you looking at whose photos I'm liking? Or you're being so dramatic and so I had gotten a lot of that pushback and past relationships Which makes you kind of scared to even bring this stuff up. Yes, because really just laying out Here is how I can enjoy being with you and when I'm an enjoyment being with you I have the highest chance of one looking after your needs and two you feeling fulfillment being with me as well Oh 100% if I feel comfortable, then I feel like sexy and I want to have fun And I want to get freaky or like do all these things, but bottom line. I need to feel comfortable Hi, Nedra Glover-Tawab author of set boundaries and find peace and just overall Everybody's favorite online therapist now. I'm trying to think through the process because if I for example identify as somebody who is depressed and I find somebody who I feel like I have a good connection with and there's a sense of trust there And then I tell this person that I have this personality disorder I've got an issue and they accept me How do I then go to that person who I feel like is already taken on a lot and say Okay, now can we also go to therapy together to ensure that we keep a good thing going? Don't buy into to the belief that you're too much Because what I what when you were saying that it sounds like I'm all of this and someone has to take me We're all too much where we come with our own stuff. We have our own stories We have our own preferences. We all have a lot going on So what I have going on is not bigger than what another person may have going on So not assuming that this is going to be a deal breaker In a relationship. It is a healthy thing people without Mental health issues may want to proactively go to couples counseling So it's not a thing that you're asking someone to do out of Nowhere. I think if you want to be in a healthy relationship It might make sense at some point just to go to counseling It might make sense at some point to read a few books about relationships Whether there is a mental health issue present or not How do you unsubscribe from the belief that you are too much? That you're that we almost have to essentially Dole ourself out in select doses because all at one time it's just way too overwhelming for for folks with mental diagnosable mental health issues and I'm making that distinction because I think we all have mental health issues We have to normalize having mental health issues We have to normalize using mental health language. We have to normalize Discussing naming talking about feelings if we did that more we would feel Less isolated if we did that more we will understand that everybody Experiences so many of these things you do not have to have A diagnosis to have two sleepless nights because you're worried about something that happens to humans And so when someone shares that you can understand it because you're a human Um, there are so many things that we experience. We just don't talk about those things and that is the bigger problem It's not that there is this, you know mental health thing that's happening Is that there's this secrecy around mental health because everyone has it and I wonder if you know the people who Were brave enough to go to therapy and say hey, I'm having this issue a little more than other folks or at least I think I am if They just happen to be a little more willing to talk about it than the general population but talking about it certainly Takes the sting out of it because I'm sure if we you know talk for an hour We have a lot of things in common as humans that we have felt that someone might say oh, that's a mental health issue Well, that's to me a human experience. That's a that's a feeling That's that's what happens when someone dies. We you know, that's how we respond to to certain things. This is just being a human We talked about in the interview bringing your mental health positive the heavy the still Uncharted and um the parts maybe that you're that you struggle with but bringing all of that Into the bedroom and I mean during sex when you're trying to integrate That part of yourself Into your sex life. Is there a separate conversation that has to be had around boundaries and triggers? If you know what your triggers are there are times where Particularly with sexual health issues. I've seen people try to pretend that they don't have any this is the first time this has ever happened Okay, it would be better if you could just be honest that you're having an issue with arousal or an issue with Performance it makes sense to talk about that and not to pretend that there is no issue present And to talk through again strategies because vulnerability increases Sexual experiences, you know, it's a huge reason why why women can orgasm, right when you are comfortable With a partner because you trust them you've been vulnerable You have a higher likelihood of actually having a pleasing experience so it makes sense to talk through these things and If the thing is impacted by mental health that can actually change the sexual health issue I love this and I think that you have just shared so many gems in this conversation And I want to close out just by the person who's listening to this right now Who maybe hasn't gotten a diagnosis but knows that they do have particular triggers and those triggers lead them to feel out of control over their mental health And they're wondering if this is a barrier for intimacy for them So I want to talk about strategy because that's a word that you use so beautifully If you were to give that person a strategy To coming to terms with and then being able to share this knowledge about themselves with somebody else What's a common, you know, couple steps you could offer? I would say Think of the words you want to use and don't focus on finding the perfect words Oftentimes we don't say anything because we are looking for the perfect thing to say this does not exist There is no perfect way to say that I am anxious and sometimes That impacts my ability to perform in the bedroom. Now, of course timing matters But this is an issue that many adults commonly deal with and I think the challenge is that Is not talked about and again, you think it's you and perhaps not this situation No one is taking ownership. So really own it Own it and talk to your partner about the issues that you're having Talk to them about triggers and strategies that you've used in the past that might work And explore some strategies that could work now I think, you know sex is really about exploration and figuring out what could or could not work So this is a wonderful opportunity to explore And the million dollar question of when When is a good time to start these conversations? I'm often surprised at how often we have sex without talking about having sex And then we have all of these people who say oh my gosh the our sex life is terrible. Have you ever talked about sex? No Well, uh Just like you would tell a waiter a waitress how to prepare your burger you have to tell people What is pleasing and not pleasing to you and typically you do that before somebody brings the burger out You don't wait until you have the burger to say oh, you know what I didn't want onions You say it before you talk to people about these things before we can talk about everything under the sun Salary where we want to retire how many kids we want to have but there's Something about talking about sex before having sex that many people are like Oh my gosh, I can't be honest. I have to make up these stories or play into a fantasy and it's like hey tell the truth So both of you can have a wonderful experience and I think by being honest it takes some of the pressure out of the situation it can decrease the anxiety