 Hey guys, it's up, it's Kinsey and welcome back to my channel. Today's video, we're gonna be talking about divorce. Such a fun subject, I know. If you guys are new to my channel and you guys have never seen my face before, I'm Kinsey, I normally make lifestyle videos, but I talk a lot about just like life in general as well. I have been getting an overwhelming amount of messages from you guys recently about like your parents splitting up or just like how to navigate having divorced parents. My parents got divorced. I was in like fifth grade, going to sixth grade. I personally wish that I was one of those kids who was either too young to remember it or was like in college or above. Not that divorce is ever great or a fun situation, but that's definitely a time when like I was so aware of what was going on and it was at the middle of my childhood and like your family splits up and it's just such a hard thing to go through. And then just like custody and stuff, like horrible. So anyways, I'm gonna share a little bit about my story with it and then also answer some of your questions. I just wanna say your life is not over. I think I say fifth, sixth grade and I feel like that makes me sound so young, but I just remember like the things that I was thinking, I feel like I was so mature at that age. I feel like I was so much older at that age than I was. Like the things, I don't know. I maybe I had to like grow up and mature really quickly because of that or whatever, but then we're gonna be talking about divorce, having divorced parents, all of that stuff. I'm gonna tell you my experience. I don't wanna go into like my parents' business or whatever. At the same time when you go through a divorce and you have kids, it highly, highly impacts the kids as well and that's also like their kind of story to share. Okay, I have a little note of like things so I can remember. The divorce at this point, I'm 23 now. My parents split up about 12 years ago. The divorce was not one of those really amicable happy ones. Like my family did not do holidays together. They didn't do really anything together. Like it's still honestly like pretty tumultuous to this day. I look at people whose parents like get along and have had such great situations and whatever healthy divorces if that's even possible, which is a weird thing to say, but there is a way that you can do it that is better than a very tumultuous divorce. I love both of my parents. They're incredible. I also think like this is one of those things that's like how do you navigate through that and also how do you do that with kids and it's such a like horrible heartbreaking experience and then like learning how to navigate that at the same time. Like it's just a lot. It's really difficult. Both of my parents' parents were divorced. My dad, my dad's parents split up when he was younger. Actually his siblings and him were the exact same ages that my siblings and I were when they divorced and my mom's parents divorced when she was like in college. So with both of those backgrounds, I feel like I could relate to my dad a little bit more because my dad understood it's just different. Like divorce is never a good thing and it's never easy. I think it's definitely worse on kids, but regardless, obviously it's gonna be horrible on anyone that has to go through it, but there's something to be said about it being like a developmental thing and that's also your home. Like that's where you're currently living and having to go back and forth and stuff. So when you're younger, it's really hard. I literally thought my life was over. That was my absolute biggest, biggest, biggest fear. I don't know why. My parents didn't really like grow up finding a time. I don't remember that well. Like I remember them being fine together and then them just like splitting up one day and that was really hard on me. I think it in but more honestly than anything if any parents are watching this who are going through divorce, I think more than anything it was less of, I look back and it was less of the actual divorce and more of like the division of my family and I say that to this day. It's really hard when your parents are on the same page. It's really hard when your parents are talking at all and just going through all of that and I think the number one thing that I would say to any parent that is going through a divorce is never, ever, ever, ever, ever speak poorly about the other parent in front of your kid. Always be a team and always be unified. Sorry. Always be a team, always be unified regardless of if you're married. I think that would have helped us. That is like so important. Anyways, I feel weird talking about this because it's like not exactly just my story to share but that was definitely not the easiest divorce. It was very messy. Like I always joke that we should have had a lifetime movie and at least monetize the thing. Like it was really bad. It lasted for years and like to be really honest I feel like there are still things to this day that are completely result or bitterness or whatever from this split 12 years ago. The divorce went through a long period of time. For custody, I would do 50-50, I would get mad at one parent, I would go stay with the other parent for a year and then I would go to the other parent and stay with them for a year and it was just a whole thing of like that is so not healthy and I really hate that I did that now looking back on it. Also it's really important as a kid and just even as an adult looking back on this to realize that like parents are humans, they are not perfect. And this is one of the worst things to go through anyways so expecting your parents to react and behave perfectly is not fair. However, as the kid you kind of desire protection from your parents and you desire your parents to protect you and to have a unified family and you want to feel loved and all that stuff. So in growing up, you know, not that this is good but like 50% of marriage is in divorce now. Like there are so many people around me, I had so many friends as well whose parents were divorced and so people kind of got it. Unfortunately, it has become like this kind of normalized thing and it's never what like I would want for anyone. People don't wake up when they're seven and be like, I'm so excited to get divorced one day. Like it's just never, it's never like what I would ever wish for anyone, especially a child to grow up with divorced parents. However, it doesn't have to ruin your life, it doesn't have to ruin your relationships. I remember being so, whatever, I was already dealing with anxiety and depression at like such a young age and I think this really sparked it. It really hurt. It was a core mandate for us to go to therapy so we were in counseling for years from that. That was my first experience with counseling. We had this horrible therapist, none of us liked her but I finally did find therapy that I really do like and has really helped me. But it was honestly just like the spark that started a lot of other really bad things just kind of growing up. With that being said, that's kind of my divorced parents situation. Both my parents now are remarried. I have six, five step-siblings like and I have really good relationships with everyone. I love my step-siblings. I love my step-family. I got really lucky in that situation. And while divorce really, really, really sucks and really hurts, now I'm able to have like an even bigger family and like my niece is technically my step-family and things like that. The people that I love and like could not survive without came as a result. So I think there's always good that comes from the bad. If I could give any advice, I have a few things that I just wrote down that I wanna say. This is really hard. I wish that, you know, I was like, what? 12, 13 when this happened. And like the first thing I wanna say is step boundaries and like here's the thing. I was 12, 13 when it happened. I wanted to know everything. I wish that I would have been more protected in the situation and not told things but I unfortunately was very much still put in the middle of it. And I wish that I knew nothing. I wish that I had set boundaries with parents and that's so much easier for me to say now at 23 even though it's not the easiest thing in the world still. And also at 12 you don't know to set boundaries. You know what I mean? But depending on the age that you're at, especially when you're older, that's another benefit of being older is that you are more self-aware and you're able to hopefully set boundaries. Another thing, do not let your parents talk bad about each other. If you are a parent, never talk poorly about the parent, other parent. In front of them, be a team, be unified. Like, I think that is so important. Leave no room for the kids to manipulate which they will 100%. I feel like the kid also feels safer when their parents are on the same page even if it's a page that they don't agree with. Do not get involved, do not get in the middle of it. Even if one of your parents said the other wrong or blah, blah, blah, whatever, like a marriage takes two people, that's between them. Like, they're not your spouse, they're your parent. Right? So like, you wanna keep the healthiest relationship with them as possible. And while that's so hard and divorce is so heartbreaking and it's like, trust me guys, I really get it. I just don't get involved. So like, if I was talking to like my younger self during this divorce, I would, like I did crazy things. Like, I would just be like, shut up, don't get involved, like stay out of it. Another thing, get therapy, go to therapy. Again, if you are a parent whose kids are going through a divorce and you're splitting up right now, like take them to therapy. I think that's one of the best things that you can do and also you kinda get ahead of the problem because divorce does affect you later on in life. I think just unity more than anything, which obviously, what I mean by that is obviously divorce is division, right? Obviously that's like dividing a marriage and a family and whatever that is. But I think that with divorce, there is a way to still be unified and not create as much division. So try to stay unified even if you aren't married. I never, ever, ever want to work to my own kids. I know that's obviously so much easier to say when I'm like, I've never been married, but I also think that it is possible. I've seen it so many times. Something that was really helpful for me too, just growing up, because obviously I didn't grow up with married parents, I didn't grow up with a marriage that I really looked up to, but when I moved to LA and the church that I was at, there were so many healthy marriages around me and I was able to just kind of like, one, be friends with a lot of them, to learn from them and also just kind of get that perspective and see what it means to actually have a marriage like that and a marriage that I would want. So I think it's really important to be able to see healthy marriages around you and kind of have that modeled for you when you are a kid of divorced parents and you didn't grow up looking at a healthy marriage. And that's even for people who are growing up with parents who just don't have a healthy marriage. I think that was one of the best things that ever happened to me through the college that I ended up at, because they had so many healthy marriages around and I was able to see that. And that's something that I think of now that I didn't really think of in the moment but I've seen and I've heard them talk about having healthy marriages so much that obviously I'm like no expert at all but just being around them and learning from them and just seeing them in different situations definitely really, really helped me. It is possible just because you're a kid of divorced parents does not mean there's anything wrong with you. It was never your fault. Couldn't be further from your fault. You still deserve a healthy marriage. You're still fully capable of having a healthy marriage. You're fully capable of having healthy relationships and even having healthy relationships within your family like I just wanna really drill it in that you, there's nothing wrong with you that you are not the problem and that you are not this broken, fragile person broken beyond repair because of divorce. Like I'm not gonna lie to you. Obviously there are things that you probably do need to work through having divorced parents, like going to therapy and even like reading books and being self-aware and just kind of getting ahead of the problem and trying to not make this, trying to not allow this to affect your future relationships I think is really important but there's nothing wrong with you at all. People, I think a lot of the times people go into relationships and they're intimidated to you because they think, oh the other person like they haven't gone through this so they're like better than me or whatever that is and like that is not true. I just wanna be very clear. We all have our own problems and we've all gone through our own things. This just happens to be something that happened to you and this is like a specific thing that you wanna work through. Does that make sense? Basically I'm just saying don't have victim mentality and get ahead of the problem. Someone said, hi, my parents have been divorced for years and it's my biggest struggle to this day. I get it, divorce really affects family. It's just one of those things where you are only held accountable for your reactions and how you respond to things and unfortunately you are not in control of your parents and you're not in control of the situation but I have learned how to set very strong boundaries, how to have very strong emotional boundaries so I don't allow that to affect me or in a lot of those words to bother me or you just have strong boundaries in relationships. I also think therapy is really great. I'm assuming that talking to your parents and having a conversation about this has not really gone anywhere from this message but there's a lot of people who have gone through this as well, I would definitely recommend therapy. I'm really sorry. How do you handle conflict between your parents if they try to put you in the middle of a situation? This is so common in divorced parents just be like, hey, I don't wanna hear about the other parent or hey, that's not my job or hey, I'm not the parent. Like I think just saying things like that in a respectful way because you don't wanna go about it even though you might have like a little bit of resentment and anger in you that your parents are trying to do that. I think sometimes they don't realize that they're doing it, parents aren't perfect and going at it from a place of bitterness and resentment is really never gonna get you anywhere so times where I've been like respectful and nicer about it, because I haven't always been, have helped me and I feel like we've had a lot better conversation from that. How it affects sibling relationships? I think again, there can be a lot of division from divorce on top of the divorce and people take sides and people, you know, whatever and I think it's really important to, again, be like, hey, we're still a family and like sometimes I'm assuming you mean like certain kids take certain parents' sides and whatever and I think just staying away from that as much as possible and also recognizing that your relationships with your sibling have nothing to do with your parents being divorced, that's your own individual relationship to working on that yourself. It says, yes, because my parents are currently on the brink of divorce and I have no idea how to handle it or how my life will be without them being married even though I'm 21. Having your parents go through a divorce at 21 is still such a horrible thing to go through, I'm really sorry. In a weird way, I always think we think it's gonna be worse than it is. I think God has a way of working things out for the good and again, I think all the advice I've kinda given already, like not getting in the middle of it and learning boundaries and things like that, going to therapy is really great but also know that I don't think that time heals all, I think that whatever you water grows. So if you are focused on bitterness and resentment, as time goes on, that's just gonna keep growing because that's what you're watering, right? So I think just being very self-aware and intentional with how you're going to deal with this, whether it's through therapy or through talking to friends or whatever, however you're coping with it in a healthy way, I think that's really important to be intentional, especially because you are 21, so being able to set boundaries from the get-go is so nice. Did you have resentment toward one parent? If so, how did you deal with it? Yes, 100%, and I was younger, so I feel like I was just really angry and really resentful and I didn't really know how to manage and control my emotions but I think it took a lot of therapy and it also took a lot of like, I'm done fighting this, there's no reason, this is what's happened, I'm gonna make the best of it and I'm gonna invest in these relationships with step-family and I'm gonna make the best of it and that is the best thing I ever did. There was definitely a time where I wouldn't even talk to one parent or whatever and honestly, I feel like that was just wasted time and I wish I would have just focused on having better relationships but obviously in the moment, your heart broken and it's hard to like, think logically, so. Also, don't be hard on yourself if you went through that period of time, like people, we don't know how to deal with these things, like everyone's learning. How to maintain a good relationship when one parent is being mean to the other one? I feel like everything I'm saying is just a repeat but I think that's just about setting boundaries. Again, having a very respectful conversation. Someone else said how to talk about it without getting emotional. This is something that does just come with time, I think. I talk about it now as like a joke and like that's not, you know, it's how I deal with my problems, I think. But yeah, I think just over time, that is something that time helps with as you're kind of moving past it, like you will not cry about it every time you talk about it. How does it affect your relationships now? So, weirdly enough, I don't feel like I have trust issues at all. I don't feel like I am even fearful of divorce because I, something that is so important to me now, maybe this is how it affects my relationships is I'm also like very strong in my faith so that I think this would happen without my parents even being divorced, but I do not wanna get divorced and having someone with the same views on marriage and having the same views on divorce and things is really important to me so I won't even date someone that isn't equally as strong in my faith and what I want my marriage to be based on. So, maybe that's how it affected it, but I also think that's just part of like being so into my faith, you know? I also think therapy isn't really, really helpful. I don't, and like I'm sure I'm saying this now in a year from now, I'll be like, well that affected you and this affected you, but like at the time that I'm recording this, even like actively being in therapy, I feel like it's only made me more excited to have a really healthy marriage and show that to my kids. I feel like that's the way it's affected me the most, not necessarily in a way of being afraid of being left, but I do think maybe, I do have a little bit of a, you know, maybe it has, this is like therapy right now. I do think I struggle a little bit with thinking that like good things will not last in my life and maybe that is stemming from my parents being divorced, so I am always, while I'm not like actively fearful, like something's gonna end or whatever, I do have a hard time like grasping and believing that I will have something long term that is good and healthy in my life, but I also think that's just for like a lot of other problems in life and it's not really the strongest thing that I deal with, this is just like a fleeting thought sometimes, but comment down below if you have divorced parents and like this, you think it's sin from that. A lot of these questions are so similar and it's kind of just the advice I already gave of like not getting in the middle and sending boundaries and obviously this is so much easier said than done, but I just want you to know, as someone who genuinely thought for years, my life was like over because my parents were getting divorced and granted my parents' divorce was like literally a lifetime movie, but it does get so much better. There does come a day where you don't even really think about it anymore. I think also moving on, no one really asked about like meshing with step sibling, so if you guys want stuff on that, we can, but there does come a time where you are just like moved on and this isn't something that like impacts your everyday and you're not so angry about it 24-7. There is healing with anything, I think God works all things together for good, so like there will be good things that come out of it, even though at the time it may feel like the worst thing ever. I think it's really important to feel your emotions and also I think it's important to like intentionally work through them, whether that's with therapy or journaling or whatever you're doing, just think don't sit there and let the resentment and bitterness grow, really try to focus on things that are pushing you in a positive direction at the same time. Does that make sense? I hope you guys enjoyed this video, I hope it helps any of you guys, I'm so sorry if this is something you are currently going through because it sucks, I'm not gonna sit here and be like, oh it's fine, it gets better, like it does get better and I have said that, but I also recognize that like where you're probably at right now, like it sucks, it's a very hard thing to go through, but I also think I have learned so much to the whole kind of like a life the past 12 years of this and just the therapy and so many other good things that have come from it, but I'm so sorry, I love you guys, I hope this video helped, I feel like it was kind of rambly and it is the worst thing and I'm so sorry, but I love you guys, again I'm so sorry it sucks but it does eventually at some point get better even if that's the most annoying thing to hear. Trust me I get it, I feel like I still deal with things to this day that are related to that, but also not every divorce is like that, some people have you know healthier situations and some people have worse situations than me, but I love you guys, hope you guys enjoyed this video, I'm actually gonna end it now and I'll talk to you guys soon, bye.