 We'll have a moment of silence, we'll have a moment of silence and let the Divine presence be with us. The talks for me were very inspiring and also the interviews Nada did, for example, and I realized that our people's experiences and their subjective lives, their subjective truth, is really what inspires all of us. And everybody has their story and in fact this subjective life experience is what binds us truly. And I was happy to be asked to come and share my, let's say, connection to Cherubindo, mother Auroville, my awakening, let's say, my becoming aware of her presence, and I realized that people's subjective experiences and spiritual experiences and people talking here is actually not about us but about the mother. So in that sense I am happy to lay it all out. I've never shared my experiences of those first years like that, but I'm happy to do it because I feel we share this and it unifies us and it's very beautiful. Whenever I think about it, it inspires me still. You know, sometimes you lay awake at night and it's quite boring and you don't know what to do and the other time I spontaneously decided let me go back into my life and see the moments where I was touched and really go back. I don't know how long it took, but you go back and what are those moments? Those moments are, let's say, could be delight. It could be an insight in a certain subject matter. It could be an exchange suddenly with a teacher where there is a moment of inspiration and there we are touched. I mean, my schooling I consider quite boring and a waste of time, but there were moments like that with teachers. I consider that also moments of being touched. There was a moment in the sea, I mean I had been in the sea before, but never with waves. As a young child I was ten and the foam of the sea and the salt and they're like bubbles and the sunlight and the sand was perfect. It touched my face and the drops went up into the sky and there were moments like that with nature also. These are moments when you look back, we are touched by this what we call the Divine Mother, but later there was a more intense awakening. A friend of mine visited me in Auroville when I first came and he was asking me what is the Mother, what is this all about? And I would tell him that whenever you have moments of intense delight or you feel uplifted or there is some growth and you're moving beyond yourself, that is the Mother. And the Mother is also the answer to the call to our aspirations. Now when I had this crisis, it's quite an intense story which I would like to share. But in that crisis there came the aspiration, and from desperation came an aspiration and then there was an answer to the call and this answer has always been there of course. Yeah, so first there is a kind of suffering in my case. We went back from a country of these beaches and the sun to Holland and Holland to me was quite depressing, like a little Lego land as flat as this table and I didn't find joy first of all in the nature, missing that and so I was rather already a bit depressed. Of course there's also the obvious cruelty and humanity and things like that and you know, but I also excelled in certain things. I did very well in certain things and I also had a great joy in my life but there was a moment when I kind of gave up. I started giving up on school, I thought this is not worth anything and you know, so I withdrew and more and more the only thing that interested me was art, maybe music and art and so yeah, there was a withdrawal and I started using marijuana for example and there was the partying I mean just fooling around and inside me I did not feel comfortable with this but nevertheless I went on and so there was a feeling of guilt growing in my being when I was 16, 17 and this guilt started growing and as you know guilt is the enemy of our lives, guilt is truly the enemy of everything, of health and everything and there was a moment when I had a sentence this really was my perception, my experience there was a phrase that came into my ear and it was really like oh now you've done it now that's it, it's finished and that went in and something in me took it in also and I felt extremely uncomfortable and I withdrew I put it in a can in the cupboard somewhere in the back of my subconscious I put it away but I could not hide from it eventually I thought I would like to study this or study that but it was a compromising choice so I went to study but not really interested and after a few years when I was 21 I think I felt something strange in my neck these not good and so I went to the doctor and too sweet immediately to the hospital the biopsy was done and I was lying on the bed after this biopsy and I remember my family was standing looking at me rather you know how it is we all had the feeling of calamity it was very heavy and then from my side comes in a doctor or a young student doctor thing Asian it doesn't matter but Asian fellow that I did not know and he came to me and I turned to him and I asked him how bad is it and he told me yeah you're going to die that's what he said can you imagine and he walked away also so it was like he came pounced those words at me and left that moment to me was like a hit it was like a blow and from that moment on I turned inward there was nothing else and that was like I would say 24 hour a day occupation everything else was like a mirage or a dream there was sadness of course there was a lot of dealing with this and this went on for three months that I thought I was going to rot away in a bed full of tubes and stuff like that it was very very heavy and during that time there was only questioning why me, why me, why me, why me layer upon layer question, answer, question, answer and a lot of fear and what is fear I would ask anyway so after three months I met a very good doctor he was the best in the country an elderly man and he assured me that they had the means to get rid of this after all it had not spread very far and I was a young man and so immediately by meeting this man there was a faith in my healing and that meant well it meant eight months chemotherapy and one month radiation and now this sounds all terrible but it was not the same direction anymore of rotting away in a bed being insecure now there was a path where I was quite sure of my healing now these injections were very intense I mean I don't have to maybe go into detail maybe I should but yeah there was chemistry, chemicals very destructive, very aggressive but I took it like I said I had turned inward and I took everything intensively and I had the support of my family and there was financial it was okay and I mean after those shots I couldn't go to the study anymore because I remember sitting there and I couldn't read the lines properly and I told myself you know what just leave it just like I had done before with many other studies I didn't care, what was I going to be I didn't care I didn't care too much about the world as it was and I was not interested so then started my process I would meet the physiotherapist of the rugby team I played national rugby under 21 for Holland and I met him again and he met me and I was wearing like tattoos on my face for the radiation machine I had to wear that for a few weeks but after a while I thought okay I don't care it was like that and I met him and he told me oh this is karma I have to help you I said karma, what? so I went along with him and he helped me get rid of toxins through my body and he explained to me this major orbit through the body, the meridian and he said yeah you breathe up a river of light, you breathe out a river of light is going down and you do this whenever you want and I went for it, I did it I was bored and so I had this experience of this flow of prana and in my crisis because it was still crisis I had many dreams many vision dreams and I would sketch them and I lost those sketches but very powerful, very symbolic stuff and my apartment became a spaceship an art gallery I would fool around with things dip in the pond of new age let's say a bit of Taoism a bit of Sufism a bit of read a bit of this read a bit of that and there was a moment when my questioning stopped because after every question why me, what is fear, what is guilt what are the gods I didn't know anything but after every question came an answer and it would not stop and then it stopped I had a moment when there was real silence I don't know how long it took but it was silence I wanted to say quietude but I think it was silence and it was luminous after that I had an experience within unmistakable awakening that was divine I can only say it like that I didn't know it like that yet but there it was and then things started happening in a rapid pace I had a friend who I met through a friend who had a bookshelf that I never looked at and indeed I took a book it was called the Divine Materialism or Mother and this book became a friend to me it was like a fairy tale magical land and I read it intensively and for me this was really like my only friend during that time, really yeah so that happened let me see, yeah then this friend he was very much into Sunil's music and Savitri I didn't know that, he never talked about it and one evening I said I'm interested in that and he said, yeah okay and he played me a few lines of Savitri this was the destined meeting place palm tree singled by a lake jewels what is it sorry I'm a bit nervous now a moon touched palm tree singled by a lake pale waters ran like glimmering threads of pearl that whole scene but it was not a scene for me it was not a listening to poetry for me I was transported to that place I was in that place and that will never leave me that was a moment yeah, so then Savitri started and then I took another book from his shelf this was the adventure of consciousness like so many people were touched by this book and I had to study by now I had started another study because I wanted to know myself I started studying massage this was a very serious the only real study in Europe that's five years for massage it was at that time and I was supposed to be studying anatomy I didn't like these things now for me it was like I was more interested in experience and I was very keen to learn about myself so I always used to go to the library of the law faculty in the university to study so then you have all these boys and girls with their leather books and me with my anatomy book but I would set it aside and read the adventure of consciousness now there in the middle of the library I was like halfway in the book I had this experience it was like a downpour actually it happened to me before once this descent we call it afterwards that first one I had was when I was really like I had a small photo of Shiro Bindo from this friend of mine from Bresson I put it far away on the wall and then I was like ok I've had enough now let's see what this really is about I would take my chair I would sit it down and I would concentrate on this photo and then I had a big shock I mean the shock the descent came and that was the entire space was just like that that was another milestone in my life but the second time in the library was a straight arrow to the ashram in Pondicherry and Orville it was like an arrow there was no doubt I dropped everything immediately I sold things I rented out my rented apartment to somebody I told my father I said dad you have to give me this amount I'm missing this much I need it now give it to me now and he was like oh ok what are you doing where are you going I'm going to South India and I bought the ticket and I flew out this all happened very quickly so that was the rude awakening but I tell you that time of crisis and red chemicals and radiating machines was one of the most beautiful times in my life yeah yeah it was like that filled with wonder you know the sense of wonder and miracle and you're just open and just it's like opening up opening up and then I came to Orville and I remember a small leather suitcase linen shirt, linen pants linen shoes not knowing anything I arrived in Orville and the moment I arrived at the visitor center the taxi dropped me off there comes this friend walking to me because I knew they were here they were just finishing their visit here actually I knew they were here a few people were here and there he comes walking towards me as I am walking on the path and it's so amazing and this hello and then he told me yeah you come you go there so I stayed in the Matraman Deer camp in a hut in the heat and put my things down and said hello to him and he said yeah you go there say where yeah the Matraman Deer yeah you go there okay I go there and it was it was open at the time right it was not yet the disco not yet and I walked along the garden and two elderly Tamil men with their cloth over their heads and their mantis and it was really a moment very wise men yeah and they said oh devotee devotee I said I don't know devotee what I don't know I went into the Matraman Deer and there was nobody maybe it was lunchtime I don't know but there was nobody I walked up into the chamber and there was nobody and I spent like four or five hours there alone so I was sitting down I was standing I was lying down it was four or five hours and I walked out and I came back to the Matraman Deer to the hut my friends and they all said that like I look like a ghost like fully removed you can imagine and that's when the adventure began and so I stayed in the Matraman Deer I helped polish the marble a little bit I had these beautiful people there I mean Dorothy, Lakshmi Narayan that kitchen and all these very simple things and for me that was very magical very magical and I'm very grateful to the people around me because they they didn't talk much about yoga or anything I remember once a friend he was sometimes very kind of blunt and was very good Dutch people are blunt like that sometimes but it was very nice he just said be quiet go and sit in your room be quiet and go and sit in my room wonder sense of wonder wondering what's happening to me reading little books Savitri was becoming a serious part of me and then they moved out and I stayed for a while and then I went to stay in the ashram at the Parcast House also met beautiful people I would have wonderful moments there sitting on the rooftop of the library I don't know if that's the library today but there were two palm trees I was sitting in a chair and there was nobody around and I had this big the big edition of Life Divine the books I would be reading and it would be it would not be reading it's an experience yeah that was it and I mean the ashram also the people there it was like like a repose like a finally arrived like feeling yeah there were for example the dining hall I mean for me this was all new right I had no idea I felt very special and the movie night in the sports ground and watch a very Walt Disney simple movie silly movie for kids kind of and while I was under the stars you know and while I was watching I went out of my body I went out of my body and my head it happened to me I didn't do anything I had my head on a Sadakas lap elderly lady wearing a white sari and I only woke up out of it afterwards I had a deep rest deep all my nerves all my emotional baggage it was all and after the movie I look back at her and I see them and it for me this was such a very beautiful you know and then the Dachan you have a Dachan the first time you don't know what's what waiting long time early in the morning and you walk past mother's mother's room you walk past the portrait and you think okay yeah all right you get ready you know trying to prepare yourself okay and it was a very short moment so that surprised me also I didn't know a very short moment yeah okay and the moment I step out there was a wooden door frame it was like blueish and the moment I put my foot out on the street I had a I had an experience I'm sorry I mean I'm sure you know I'm not the only one but I just want to share this with you because this is my life this is what this is I'm a very beautiful and that was a touch of bliss I had a touch of bliss and afterwards you spend your life looking for this it becomes more more mature afterwards but this is the period of awakening and the magical and the touch but she has always been there of course it's I met all these characters and their stories and I would go back to Auroville and I had my some classes and I had an experience of the chi again through what became my art my practice and I knew when I had this experience on top of the roof of Pitanga with beautiful people around me I had this experience of health and I knew I didn't know I just it was again narrow and I knew where I had to go because I had to go home after three months it was time to go home I didn't know and finally I found what I wanted to study and this was the art of chi a lager du chi and Tai Chi Chuan Chi Kong and from Stevanovic method and I had the opportunity to go to the south of France first it was in Portugal I again told my father I need this I have to go and he said okay and I met my teacher there and they helped me out fully to make it happen and I spent three to four years with them at the school it was a I lived in the in a very charming broken down castle farmhouse kind of thing and you go to school every day for the classes so that was my life for three years that put me back into my body you see that made me healthy and it improved my ability to concentrate and but Auroville and Savitri and they never left me they were part of it it was every day I had it under the pillow so to speak and there was a moment when it was really like I have to go now then again this arrow came of clarity there was no deviation from such a decision it's just like the whole alignment is clear there is no deviation possible it is what it is and again I had the opportunity to come to Auroville for ten months and I told myself look you stay here and you will know don't question anything so I stayed for ten months wonderful time and then I knew after ten months I knew and I wanted to live here and so I went back home for the visa thing and everything and my father had stopped his work early and there was a kind of inheritance going on in my family it was not so big but this inheritance turned out to be the right amount for the house that was given to me in Auroville given to me as in I walked in somewhere and I thought oh this is so beautiful a very small place I learned after later that this would be available the lady was leaving so I told her oh I'll be happy to take it you know and she said no no there's too many people forget it there's 15 people on the list you can't forget it so I forgot it and then three months later she calls me are you still interested and this money was the exact amount it was chak chak it's I had a place she gave me a place and we still live there now I live there with Saumya and our son Ahran and that is my time of awakening and connection to Auroville to the ashram my life in Auroville is very much now taking care of our son and my wife's clothing companies iBiscus heroes it is also I teach I've always taught my art my art is my Auroville life for me the art of movement with the body the concentration education this has been my share in Auroville and it still is and it probably always will be and here we are I feel like that most of the time here the sense of wonder I feel a great smiling presence every day I can't help it I feel this place is special it has this smiling presence and about Auroville in general and about Auroville now the situation we are in it was very interesting to me that the galaxy plan the model let's say the picture of it it was never so much in our consciousness in the beginning I was here 98-98 it was more like we just decided that it was a great symbol a great exercise of life ongoing change very powerful and then I realized by going in a little bit I met Roger a few times only but it was never I always felt some connection to these models and the work that was going on but it was never so strong and lately the situation through this situation I'm very grateful because I've learned many things for example this plan for our city how amazingly beautiful that is how much things have been thought of and how much well mother no she mustn't forget who mother is she already knows anyway there are so many elements for me it was really an awakening to this plan how it's a gift to us as our this plan is a gift all we need to do is start that align ourselves to that for me it's also amazing that there is a real sense of urgency on a material plane I'm not talking about my feelings or my insights you and I might have but there is really an urgency and I don't think anybody can deny it you just look at the encroachment and the land development I mean it's obvious and if I may humbly say something about the situation and this is from a perspective of healing and love it really is I believe that the second generation of Aurovillians and the third also there is an obvious there is a trauma there there is anger and resistance can you imagine being born here or being brought here by your parents and being told how special you are and what a special place this is I mean we come here we are touched but they are either born here and told by people these things very often and that must be a great trauma somewhere and leads to a lot of anger and I believe that these generations because of circumstances have not really passed from childhood into adulthood the initiation into adulthood that you see in other societies that are necessity through survival or crisis here they are they didn't have this passage it's like a childhood that just goes on and it's quite a reasonably comfortable life except that there is this anger and it expresses itself I became aware of this only through my own life in Auroville my own experience that is when I arrived in Auroville I was a little bit in touch with all aspects of Auroville society all kinds of people maybe because of my giving workshops or becoming friends all kinds of people and I noticed that amongst those born here or growing up here or also the ones that inherited the pioneering spirit of planting trees they also are part of this trauma that I was never quite accepted and I didn't understand why I thought ok then I realized that oh I need a kind of initiation to join a kind of no but the problem is I was also interested in here in Savitri Bhavan also I went to studies I went to courses, lectures I studied Sanskrit for a while and so this was not accepted by the circles the tribes because they rebel it doesn't mean that they don't live a life of yoga they may or may not I don't know but they will not accept words like Divine Mother or because I was speaking about that all the time I didn't feel religious about it at all it is my interest my profound interest still today but I've learned to kind of I was feeling awkward not allowed to express that because it's for them it's a fight and we have not looked at this strangely a love is not a place where we express ourselves at all in fact out in the world it's done more than here so this trauma is deeply rooted in our society and the first generation unconsciously I believe is covering this up because they might feel guilty of being not good enough for their kids or wanting to keep their children happy instead of having this initiation into adulthood there would be a status quo and I believe this is what happened there is an anger towards the city also from this trauma and now what happened is helping not to look at that trauma so you look at the youth center and the youth center was not necessarily the youth only the youth for me is under 18 mother actually has a place for people in this plan for people, youth that they are no adults she was wise, she is very wise you know and the youth often had opportunities to find their place but this youth center place was a mixture of what I'm speaking about the youth and the elderly and everybody trying to feel better without going to that essential trauma and so it has become a habit in our society not to talk about mother it doesn't help also that people put up huge portraits everywhere where they shouldn't I mean mother also had these clear things to say about it in public spaces and yet we do it yet we insist and they are hurt and that hurt feeling is there that expression of resistance and now it has come to an end because of the urgency we have an urgent situation here maybe humanity also I cannot say clearly but we have an emergency urgency and now this opportunity has come but it was not taken like an opportunity because of this resistance you know for a long time in these circles of which I'm still more or less part of but not really because I won't be allowed in there fully and I understand they have a right to be you see but the new people were not really allowed in not really and this has become a kind of signature of Auroville the past 20 30 years that new people it's not a city consciousness city consciousness there are new people coming all the time there is knowledge and research coming exchange all the time so I think this mindset is now being challenged it's all out of love and we are all part of this place everybody here is part of this place and it has a connection to the charter in their own way and we should have the goodwill to pass beyond our own thing and realize that this trauma is there by the way that's number one it's a and we should all realize it's there and many of us are acting from that hurt space reactive angry emotional still now it's going on after many months and when you are reactive and emotional you cannot have your subjective it's a world where facts are I had the experience two people for the same subject have completely different perspectives not from their intuitive space because that is not much visible nowadays more facts emotions, anger, facts proving mother's quotes they have completely different perspective and both of them are proving themselves right but yeah so how to harmonize and balance I think this is why I want to mention this thank you very much