 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the heart. I'm Jonathan Astley of Jonathan Astley.com I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today. Our topic. Do you have a broken picker? Let's try to fix that. What does broken picker look like like this? Broken? Broken? All right, really quickly if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell So you can be notified of new videos and if anytime during this video the content resonates with you Please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms really quickly. These are my weekend videos I shoot out on my balcony very similar to the videos I shoot my private group called midlife love mastery This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis and based on the questions you write in I Post personalized videos just for you. So in the description below check out my VIP group. All right, let's talk about the broken picker What does that look like? broken All right, so what is a broken picker? Well, that's typically the experience of going out with the wrong men over and over and over again in other words your capacity to pick someone Who's aligned to who you are and what you want is broken meaning you haven't really developed the skills To really vet another human being and repeat that you haven't developed the skills to vet another human being It's partly because we've been indoctrinated in this fantasy Based on movies based on divin Disney based on books That relationships are rather easy and all you have to do is just magically sit there in your feminine energy and the right man will claim you I Mean think about the fantasy of that how often does that really happen that you just sit back in your feminine and the Guy's just gonna claim you so you guys know I have an issue with that narrative so The reality is this dating is so much more complex now than ever before because dating didn't exist Thousands of years ago. It didn't exist in caveman days. It quite frankly didn't even exist a couple hundred years ago There was mating but there wasn't dating and what I mean to say is if two people liked each other a hundred years ago They'd hang out for a few weeks. They'd get married so they could get laid. I mean, that's the reality of things There wasn't a real dating process compared to today And and we are in we are in an experience like nothing other Especially in the last 10 or 15 years because of our little smartphones didn't exist before we have this swipe dating We have online dating. We have all these different ways of meeting people and all of a sudden It's chaos out there. So no wonder human beings have a broken picker in addition Most human beings aren't familiar with what's known as the Amago the Amago and what the Amago is It's basically and I'm gonna give you the cliff note version of it And by the way, if you want to learn about it Highly check out the book getting the love you want by Harbell Hendricks and Helen Hunt Check out this book because this will make a lot of sense if you tend to pick the same type of person Over and over again and the Amago is basically our I'm gonna this is my version of it So is it's just basically we have a habit of choosing people that are familiar to us from our parental Upringing I'm repeat that we choose people familiar to us. So for example, if we had an emotionally unavailable parent We oftentimes choose people like that because we're trying to heal our parental wounds I'm repeat that we're trying to heal our parental wound. We're trying to get mommy's approval We're trying to get daddy's approval So if you have a propensity to choose someone who was like your father, for example And maybe you had an emotionally unavailable father Maybe an emotionally stunted father maybe even had a father that had anger issues We oftentimes choose people like that in our relationships Because we're actually trying to heal that wound with that parent This is why I highly recommend checking out getting this book So you understand why you might have made choices in the past That caused you to repeat a pattern and now you can do it from a more conscious aware place When you're actually in the dating process Okay Now the primary reason why we all have a broken picker is because we've bought into what's known as what I call the deception of chemistry or The belief that chemistry equals relationship success I repeat that we all have this belief that chemistry will equal relationship success And if you haven't seen my relationship iceberg, I'm going to show this to you right now And above the waterline is chemistry and we that's known as attraction Okay Now below the waterline is compatibility shared values blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity So I'm going to lean into this for a few minutes this entire thing So let's talk about chemistry for a moment. I Believe there's two types of chemistry. I believe that there's sexual chemistry Sexual chemistry and then I believe that there's energetic chemistry Energetic chemistry so sexual chemistry is oftentimes especially for us men What drives us to want to pursue a woman? So when you're hearing how men are hunters and men like to take the lead and they like competition they chase Well, it's oftentimes they're chasing lust or maybe even limerence and limerence is extreme infatuation They're chasing lust that's sexual chemistry And it's pretty obvious with these guys because they Hyper-focus on the sex piece they hyper-focus on that and none of the other pieces that I'm about to share Which is centered around energetic connection and Energetic connection has a component of sexuality to it So energetic connection is when you're connecting on an emotional level. You're connecting on an emotional level You're connecting on an intellectual level. You're even connecting on a creative level Okay within creativity because we all human beings have a level of creativity And when you're actually tapping into someone else's creativity, you're feeling a level of energetic connection This is those spaces when guys and ladies meet each other and they feel a sense of knowing they feel a sense I know this person because they're vibrating on an energetic level and there's a layer of sexuality Underneath it, but that's not the driving force. It's in the mix, but it's not the driving force Sexual chemistry is typically the guys are leading with sexual chemistry. It's kind of like Okay, this is Willy Wonka, right Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory, right? It's the candy It's the candy store that we're attracted to that the sweetness, you know That's that the sexual piece, but that's not all of what happens in a relationship to make it go with the distance So this is one of the primary reasons men and women have a broken picker because they either hyper-focus on the on The sexual chemistry and they're not really leaning into are they experiencing energetic connection with this person This is why if you really want to get highly attuned to your intuition I highly recommend checking out my book. What the heck is self-love anyway? What the heck is self-love anyway? There's a link below to get my book because it's really designed as a tool for personal development self-help and spiritual work So you can actually start to tap into your intuition You'll actually start knowing if you're following that pattern of the amago Are you following the pattern of sexual chemistry? Are you actually leaning into your heart-centered space and really tapping into Energetic connection with another human being. Okay. Now, let's go back to shared values Blendable lifestyles and the most important piece you're gonna want to stick around to this Emotional maturity. Okay shared values. Okay. I want you to think a hundred years ago when two people lived In a town or village most likely everybody was most likely very similar Most likely very similar particular in their area of their values Okay, now come to a place that like Los Angeles where I live It's a melting pot of different cultures different races different politics different religions Which leads to different values all of that stew of our our upbringing our culture our race What was I just saying I just Just had a little brain fart there all of these things make up our values Oh the politics and religion and when two people and by the way, you know, two people can have You know healthy values. It's not an issue of healthy values It's really more aligned with shared values So when people have completely different values in other words, let me give you an example one person values Healthy lifestyle. I mean they eat absolutely clean and the other person's a chain smoker likes to eat pizzas all day long And it really doesn't take care of their body one person values health and the other person values What's the word I'm thinking gluttony. Let's just say okay It's okay that that person values gluttony. They're allowed to do whatever they want in their life It's and yet it's going to clash with someone who values health. So having shared values is Hugely important to the success of a relationship. Okay, and let me give you another value really quickly punctuality It's one of my top values I'm not going to hold someone up to the level of my value of punctuality and yet I do believe it's a level So in other words, I'm okay with someone being late, you know, that's just part of the process It doesn't mean you have to be absolute in your values But I'll tell you when you have differing values. It makes it very complicated. Okay number two or number technically number three Blendable lifestyles blendable lifestyles This is where a lot of people have real challenge in relationship and this is particularly true for those who are doing the long-distance Dating, you know long-distance dating is very difficult just to build the first hundred hours of familiarity with one another to build the layer of trust that it takes to have a successful relationship and then the real Continuity that goes on so blendable lifestyles is about continuity Are we doing social activities hobbies mutual interests spending time with family and friends or can our lifestyles blend with one another? Or is it you have a lifestyle here? I have a lifestyle here We get together, but it's going to be difficult if you can't find a way to blend those eventually start moving into Blending it together and a lot of people don't recognize that this is where there's a big hang-up now in blendable lifestyles You have to also recognize that people might be going through a lot of stuff in their life People that are going through divorce and contentious have issues with their jobs and have issues with children maybe issues with their health and So this is part of their lifestyle and you have this really clean lifestyle meaning you you you know This person doesn't have their crap together and you have your total crap together It's gonna be hard to blend your lives together if that's going on The fourth the most important piece about your picker that I want you to lean into is Emotional maturity emotional maturity and if you haven't seen this illustration I have This is emotional maturity and relationship skills And if you haven't seen and by the way what I'm about to say is this is not a fact This is my opinion roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues I mean real clinical issues that make it difficult for them to be in relationship and Maybe if we're lucky 20% are healthy have good relationship skills And that's that's I'm being generous when I say 20% and the vast majority are dysfunctional dysfunctional And this is because most of the time humans who have had childhood wounds and traumas Childhood and wounds and traumas create negative patterns and limiting beliefs in their life that make it very difficult To actually be emotionally mature in relationship This is why I continually recommend the book the Hoffman process the Hoffman process This is a deep dive in healing childhood wounds and traumas that cause our negative patterns and limiting beliefs in life Which makes it very challenging to lean into love to lean into love Hmm by the way my coffee mug says love yourself love yourself It always starts with self-love if you want to improve your picker Now ultimately I've shared with you a lot of content here The real challenge with most people's broken picker is centered around they hyper focus on chemistry and that tends to be more sexual Chemistry than actual energetic chemistry number two they don't really understand how Importance of the compatibility piece in the relationship and within compatibility is Shared values and it's really important to ask better questions in the early stages of dating So you don't get attached to the possibly the wrong person and That third piece when I talk about blendable lifestyles Another way, you know, this is really where a lot of you ladies. I got to tell you this fantasy Well, if we love each other everything will magically work out, you know All the complications in our lives all the stuff that's going on our lives if there's actual love This will work out Listen, I'm here to say, you know, that's a fantasy now I'm not suggest that people that don't genuinely care for each other can't overcome obstacles That is not what I'm suggesting whatsoever But I will tell you most human beings are rather myopic in their lifestyle and they're not Contemplating the importance of shared lifestyle or excuse me having lifestyles that are blendable And I will tell you that while men oftentimes tend to be the ones in midlife to end the relationships more often a Big proponent of it is because of this piece, but they'll never ever ever ever ever say it out loud They'll never say it out loud. Well, actually, that's not true, you know, that 20% Remember of emotionally healthy guys will share that that is probably problematic in the relationship and by the way in the long-distance dating just recognize this that is the Easiest exit clause for a guy to say listen, you know what I just decided I can't do this long-distance Thing it's that it's a built-in exit clause This is why I'm really wanting to caution most of you to be very Mindful before you enter into a long-distance dating scenario because it's always there a guy can always say, you know What I just decided I don't want to do this long-distance thing And I can't tell you ladies as a coach how often I've heard this over and over and over again and Lastly that emotional maturity piece I really want to lean into this because this is where most of you falter and by the way You're equally as ladies you are equally as unskilled as men I know many of you have this fantasy that you're just is you're just so much better at the dating and Relationship process than men and I can tell you as a man who's been single out there I mean you women are just as have just as many issues on the emotional side as men Men just don't have tend to be as expressive out in the public around this and women just happen to be so I want you to own This stuff, too Because if you don't own Maybe that you need to improve your relationship skills. Maybe you need to improve your communication skills This is why I don't have a copy of the book. I highly recommend Nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I highly recommend that book and by the way There's a link to Jonathan recommends books in the description below So how we going to fix our broken picker first off is with awareness today I've laid out so much content to make you deeply aware to start paying attention and being more Intentional in the dating mating and relating process instead of being in this fantasy realm That's so many of you dance in and I'm here to say many of you dance in this realm This is why I continually recommend book after book after book To actually make you so better prepared to be in a relationship That you'll actually start to attract in that person that you're going to feel energetic connection that person values They're going to be closely aligned to you and where your lifestyles have actually the capacity to blend one another and then lastly the Relationship skills the emotional maturity that will actually help you overcome the oftentimes Obstacles that we are all facing in the dating mating relating realm today and When you're you have the skills to communicate at a better level you'll be able to overcome them much easier than those that do not Is this sinking in is this resonating is this helping with your broken picker? Please let me know by posting a comment below Also, if you have something to share I do my best to read them all if you like my t-shirt my coffee mug Please let me know all right. This would be a great place to wrap up this video today And like I always do first off. I'm gonna give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear Or a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and we can all use more love In our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye now. Bye. Bye