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I've not really seen you do many podcast or interviews where it's in depth about your own life yeah how so very selective before we get into all the madness I always like to go back to the start of my guess get a bit understanding about you where you grew up how it all began yeah so I was born in Singapore actually and my parents got married there and I grew up I went to school there till I was about 12 years old and then my parents sent me to actually I was 11 years old my parents sent me to a really kind of small posh English boarding school where I experienced a lot of kind of behavioral problems due to like my upbringing and stuff and I got expelled from like five different schools I got sent away to America on a show called Brackcamp and so yeah this is just like in a quick sort of way and then because of that I kind of went off the rails because I was sent there based on complete lies I was tricked I was being treated like somebody who the way I felt didn't matter and the behavioral issues I was having before I got sent there I was just told constantly I was just some naughty girl constantly and yeah so that affected my life and then after that I kind of got into modelling and then I got quite badly into drugs as well as a way to sort of manage what I've been through and then I kind of sorted things out did only fans obviously that's a big earner for me and I'm a very strong kind of business woman obviously I did a lot of TV shows as well and then yeah I kind of stopped the whole bad road that I was on about eight years ago I stopped taking drugs through my own kind of determination and I got addicted to going to the gym instead and yeah here I am now how's your mom and dad how what do you mean how were they as parents awful and what were you so my parents are very they're very traditional in terms of like education they just wanted me to go to this really posh English boarding school but as I was a child growing up I was never heard never listened to I was always told that I was a problem and I was felt like I was a problem and that as soon as I became this problem I just was shipped away constantly and to this day I don't speak to my mom she has nothing to do with me or my daughter and yeah like they're just very emotionally unavailable and just really bad parents to be honest with you a lot of abandonment issues loads of abandonment issues I think that's a lot of the reasons why I've been attracted to like the wrong men and probably a reason why I've been down this road of like you know just acting wild on TV even any fans is probably something to do with that too and as a very as from a very young age I noticed that I was very sexual like in my mind but I didn't know that when I was little I didn't think that there was anything wrong with that but now looking back I'm kind of like why was I doing stuff like that or thinking stuff like that like when I was at school like to age 12 I was like just doing the weirdest stuff like you know back then when there were no phones I was like I remember buying a disposable camera from a shop and just taking pictures of myself and my underwear and I'd print them out and I would send them to like boys that I was talking to you from other schools but I didn't really know what I was doing I just thought that's how I was to get love and attention because I was so unhappy and no one cared and no one was listening and then I kept getting kicked out of all these schools and instead of my parents just like taking me in and looking after me they just send me to another one just constantly and all these times I kept getting kicked out and told off instead of someone just sitting me down being like are you okay like what's up I was just getting told you're so naughty go to this school go to that school and then I ended up at one where only naughty kids go to so that's even worse I'm just surrounded by loads of naughty kids like a prison yeah and that's when I started to take drugs what age 15 what age do you lose your virginity I think 15 as well the start of 15 I was 30 I think boys were kind of younger but it's like I wouldn't say like the being a naughty kid it's like a scream for attention yeah it's like you want people to listen it's like people who sell farms sometimes it's more for a scream exactly yeah did you go down that route of yeah I mean so I've never spoke about it but yeah I have I've took I took two overdoses when I was little well not that little like 18 and 20 both times I was just crying for help I did I did take a pretty serious overdose so I went to about three different shops and I bought about I think I took 80 neurofen tablets so it's quite a lot and I remember I did it and then I went straight to the hospital so obviously knew that I was kind of trying to get attention or someone to listen to me and then I told my mum that I did it I wrote her a long email saying that I just done this and I feel really shit and I just got ignored so yeah that kind of made me even more wild everything I did I was getting ignored like even though I could have potentially died I was still not getting listened to so from a young age I just had no guidance either so all the decisions I was making from like age 12 or 11 onwards from when I got sent to England on my own they were just me just trying to make decisions as a child that an adult makes so I had no one to kind of like guide me but yeah all the decisions I was making I was getting told off for and scrutinized for and I just felt like I can't do anything right so how else can I get someone to love me or get attention and it was always through trying to seek attention through men or my body even though yeah being so young I didn't really know like age 12 when I was taking these pictures obviously I felt sexy but I'm 12 like barely developed so yeah aside my daughter's 15 and I try and guide her as much as possible I know what men are like I was a fucking pervert myself majority men are for all honest about it so it's just we're living in a society where there's so many broken homes I don't know if there's no manual for men as well how to really be a good parent I've only just never learned it till my kids were seven eight nine I just kind of bring it as a father yeah but I think it's about being present isn't it and listening to your children because I've got a four-year-old and you know every day I'm like am I doing it right or am I being a bad mom even earlier she was having a tantrum and I just wanted to make sure that I'm just listening to her at the very least so yeah there isn't a guide but I think being present is the most important thing were you speaking the language over there in Singapore I tried to learn it but I just couldn't get the hang of it I learned Mandarin I can probably count to 10 I'm not going to do it now but yeah that's about it what sort of building did you have to go through bullying teasing name calling are you getting beaten up and I did get beaten up once actually but yeah a lot of name calling teasing yeah I can't remember the bullying as much as just the other stuff that was going on I was just constantly distracted by trying to get attention somehow did you feel lonely very a lot of rejection very rejected yeah like I still feel like it now like I'm not good enough for my family so yeah it's mad though the trauma of the past and the scars it still haunts us no matter how much we change and try to work on myself yeah the darkness always appears somewhere if you even if you even if I'm happy it's like something they said you shouldn't be happy that kid negative thoughts kick in it can ruin your whole fucking day of course it can exactly and like there's things that I think that parents don't realize that things can happen when you're younger you might be fine after it or years after but then you can experience trauma because at the time you don't realize how bad things were so I've got a specific memory that I thought of the other day when I thought of coming on here and what I wanted to share and I had an experience with a guy one of my brother's friends who actually tried to fill me up when I was asleep and they went on a night out got back I was staying at my brother's house and the guy my brother thought the guy was going to sleep in a different room he came into the room I was in I was age 14 and he got in the bed and like now if someone did that to me I'd go get a knife but obviously I was 14 I was terrified and the guy was like feeling up my body trying to pull my knickers down like licking my legs and kissing me it was horrible I was trying to ring my sister under my pillow and then the next morning I told everyone what had happened and no one believed me and even my mom was like are you sure this happened because you know how damaging this is if you're lying Gemma and to this day I basically felt like my experience was a burden on their life and like the fact that I shared what happened to me was a problem because I don't know I don't even know how it's a problem because they stayed friends with the people and it's weird because I I kind of forgot about that whole experience for a while because it's almost like I wasn't allowed to feel how I felt but I thought about it again a few years ago and realised how traumatic it was I even made friends with the guy again because I felt like I had to through my family and stuff and I think when you're treated like that by family members it just it just makes you feel like what what's going on if the only people around you that you're supposed to be able to trust a hundred percent you can't even trust them yeah because you've got yourself everything and that guy's a fucking pedophile exactly this is the thing like when I when I when it happened I just thought oh that's disgusting but looking back now I'm like no that's a pedophile and I was made to believe that I shouldn't speak about it or that I might be lying or you know and I even second guess myself I did that really happen but I know it happened yeah but that's what happens and that's abuse of parents as well yeah not mentally spiritually so many different levels of no day because you're not a girl in school you've probably said things before and nobody believes you yeah with the extreme things like you say it's probably a cry out for help and try to take my life your mum probably thought you were just pretending not realizing it was the fucking truth and you're crying out for a mirror how can you take the risk to not believe your child of something so serious like that what's your mum and dad's upbringing did you ever know it very partial and traditional and very like emotionally unavailable kind of just you go to school at this age and you get the grades and you have to do you then you get the job and just you know kind of like what's the word matrix or whatever I mean so so what happens then when you feel that abandonment issues kick in the rejection the suicidal thoughts being abused did your life really slip off then yeah so that's where I started to take drugs and I literally took every possible drug you can ever imagine all the time I was just fucked all the time and I had a good time but the come downs got so bad and I got so depressed and I had to change it around but it wasn't till I got sober that I realized what I was doing I was actually masking what what had happened to me you know there's so many little stories I could tell you but all of those things I was just blocking them out and yeah putting them to a side by just getting fucked off my face but my mum obviously just was like naughty girl you know if if my daughter was to start taking drugs I would be so upset and wonder why she wants to and really like get her help in terms of like trying to work it out whereas I was just naughty taking drugs like when you take drugs heavily you're obviously covering shit up yeah you're in pain yeah you're so in pain the mask she's the big plaster to pretend that you're finding them drugs as well listen it probably served me for for many years because I was so broken yeah it gave me confidence to pretend I was something that I wasn't exactly once you grow strength and learn how to say no you become a whole different animal yeah but it's so sad because so many people don't get out I've been blessed to go fuck this life I don't want that was a failure and I lose a third years pretend a craving fame craving attention because I thought that would heal the pieces I thought that would that would heal me that's all the pieces are broken but that's what I need and then you realize how fucked up that is and then you start actually getting some you realize you become more of a recluse because you realize how fake the world can be but if you're a parent you've got to take the reins you've got to lead by example yeah now you talk about your kid not wanting drugs and drink but they will see your past as well the shit that you've done and that can also be a blockage in your own mind because you've made changes you're looking great you've lost a lot of weight you get a sparkle in your eye so you're clearly doing something right in your mind because we're all soft cunts no matter how tough we think we are yeah the loudest cunts always the weakest we know when you start because we are soft we start thinking of the regret our actions becomes a reaction to our kids our kids have become a reflection of us and do you ever worry that your kid would follow your footsteps at things you've done from a teenager absolutely like it worries me every day what my daughter's gonna kind of get up to when she's older and stuff but all I can do is just be as present as I can for her and I believe why I got you know into drugs and went down those bad roads and I just believe it's because I was abandoned and rejected and nobody listened to me and I was just basically like you don't want to listen to me like watch what I'm gonna do kind of I didn't know I was doing that but looking back that's what I was doing so yeah I just never want my daughter to feel any of those things and I know that you know it's kind of natural for teenagers to want experience maybe drugs or alcohol obviously alcohol and yeah again I want to be as understanding as possible with her because I was always made to feel like if I wanted to try a drink like all my friends were I was so naughty I was in the wrong but I was 14 15 years old that's what kids do and I just want you know to be on my daughter's side with it all and try and monitor it and it completely worries me but all I want to do is just be a much better parent to her than what I had that's all you can do is lead by example the kids are a reflection of you my daughter is in private school and I try and give her the best opportunities that I never had but again just because you go to private school back in the day there's more cold kids in fucking private school and there is because ladies are too easy for them not feeling the struggle yeah I think everything becomes easy and that can be damaging so I need to be careful I always thought I'd be the big fun dad love a laugh yeah but I'm strict as fuck I'm scared who's there what teachers are like all the mail because I'm thinking because I've interviewed enough fucking people to know how wicked the world is so a question man why the fuck you want to be a teacher and there's probably genuine people out there who genuinely do it for the heart but I think no there's so many groomers and scouts and football teams and teachers and I look at them and there's always a vibe yeah I think there's something not fucking right about you and the exact same all the my daughter's went to a couple of nurseries and I will only put her in a nursery where it's all females obviously I think when they get older that's hard to avoid male teachers but I feel like it scares me everything like even things like when she's older when she wants to go and see her friends that even their parents that I'm not I'm not comfortable with it that worries me more than anything because all these stories that come out when people are older such as me and I saw you did Emily blacks her story and stuff these things go on and sometimes the parents and even realize what's going on so that's why I just feel like I don't know I'm gonna be a mess when she starts wanting to go to her friends houses and things you just need to be strict because groomers they don't start on the kids to start on the parents the weak links there was an interview a guy an interview the sex case and he says if the father's big and strong or whatever the intimidate them not go near the kids so not just target the kids but we'll target the parents first the weak links the vulnerability of a guy and it would work on his mum and dad just to let him stay with the coach he was abusing them for fucking years six years of it on my god so it's the mental scarring yeah that's what you need to be careful about you can never be too protective that's the thing that's the thing I'm so protective to the point where I don't want to like give her any anxiety or or whatever but I just feel like I don't know how I'm gonna cope with that I'm way too protective I don't really like people I just feel like I don't I trust a small amount of people and and that's about it was the first reality show you done I did one with Katie price years ago but that was shit what was that signed by Katie price it was just some show I used to be a quite a big fan of her she was beautiful back in the day it's done yeah really beautiful that's what fame does to you it fucks with me yeah exactly and I used to I used to like kind of live with her and I spent a lot of time with her and the person that she showed me that she was yeah I didn't like it at all so I kind of lost being a fan of her but yeah that show was more kind of like I tried to go and be brother years ago and I didn't get on so I went on there but then the first of big show I did was excellent beach and that's where everything kind of took off from what was that like when you started getting the attention you've never had before I liked it and it gets addictive as I'm sure you know yeah associate yeah I'm addicted to my phone yeah I'm just gratification tell me how good I'm doing tell me my podcast yeah how many likes yeah my views go down a couple of weeks I think I'm gonna go broke yeah that's a horrible place to be yeah because I'm not showing gratitude to what I'm actually achieving my kids are healthy I'm already winning yeah I was the element I agreed yeah it's horrible how just phones and technology you're just glued to your phone the whole time and yeah like you said it's looking for validation and things like that and I think that you know the generation of kids now as they grow up it's gonna be even worse because they're growing up with it at least when we grew up we didn't have that when we were young but yeah I mean when I first did X on the beach the followers started to go up the likes the money everything went up and I did like it a lot because as well I was so vulnerable and naive as well because I was about 23 or something and I'd still had this rocky upbringing where a part of me still a little girl I feel like because I've never had the mothering that I needed or the fathering that I needed or just in general the guidance so even to this day I feel like that but when I did X on the beach I did it twice they take advantage of your vulnerability like they make you do stuff without literally forcing you physically with words they'll manipulate you and I regret everything I did on those shows I hate them I just look like a twat but I mean that's how I got to where I am now so I can't really slate it too much but there were times where they would drag me off set like by my clothes and if you want to be famous if you want to make it you need to start doing stuff we all going home tomorrow go and get in that room and sleep with him and blah blah blah did it to me so many times and I listened to them because I wanted it so much I wanted I wanted to be so financially secure that's been the main drive for me as money I'm so money driven obviously I love the fame and and that kind of side of it too but the end goal for me was the money because the fame and the followers equals money so I wanted it that much and they could see so they were just pushing me into situations that I was just acting like an absolute knob it was all acting though people think that's really mean it's not yeah but this is what people see for who you are today no bullshit no loud and shouting arguing because it's all drama drama sales yeah what gets these TV shows so popular as a fight in the arguing yeah you were perfect for that yeah exactly but then I would do anything still grooming but they know your targets as well yeah then the selling you're basically selling your soul exactly you're selling your soul and now because of the way TV is it's there for life but actually I've just thought that wasn't the first show I went on it was Brackham was the first show I went on 15 so what made you whose idea was to go on that it was my parents I got lied to so basically yeah so Paris Hilton wasn't on my one but she went to the same place as me I don't know if you've seen her documentary but she got sent to three camps in America that I liked behavioral camps and one of them was the one that I went to and she managed to escape from it I don't know how because the camp was it you're literally in a little tiny campsite that's 300 miles away from any sort of place where you could get anything apart from like a few shops down the road and there's mountain lions and stuffs you're literally in the middle of the desert but yeah so when I was 15 I kind of was at this bad school and I started to take drugs I was taking a bit of ecstasy but it was very like now and then it wasn't like hardcore like I got later on and I think my parents must have just guessed I was taking drugs because they were nowhere to be seen they were in Singapore and out of the blue they decided this was a good idea didn't tell me this was a good I didn't tell me this was the idea though but when they presented it to me they said to me that because again they knew I wanted to be famous and wanted to go on TV and stuff like this so they told me do I want to go on a TV show in America where I'm just gonna go partying and shopping and skiing horse riding all this things I love they're telling me I'm gonna go and do something like The Hills you know I mean like that type of show I was like oh my god I'm gonna go to LA and be a star so I was like yeah hundred percent and I went to Channel 4 to do all the interviews and they kept interviewing me and my parents separately and when they interviewed me they were like oh yeah we just don't want them to hear about this stuff we're gonna tell you because we're gonna do loads of cool stuff with you they weren't like they kind of just manipulating me and I was like oh yeah sick I'm gonna do all this stuff and yeah anyway they presented a contract to me so my parents had this contract that I had to sign and I was literally late for a rave and my parents just before I went out the door they're like oh just quickly sign this before you go because you know it's just so you can be filmed and obviously I'm 15 years old I've got a contractor in front of me like this I'm about to get fucked at a party I don't care what's in there just quickly sign it but little did I know I was signing my life away so I went to the airport a few weeks later got on the plane got off the plane and as soon as I got off the plane and walked into the airport in Salt Lake City in America out of nowhere about 10 cowboys with like handcuffs guns just surrounded me and these other five people who were also being sent there and they just said from now on you're not having any of your stuff your phones your clothes nothing you're not allowed to speak it's done for you lot for three months from now on they took all of our stuff chucked us in a car I was completely beside myself and I was being filmed as well this whole thing was filmed I was just humiliated and got taken to this camp and the first part of the camp you have to sit outside in a stone circle in the desert and you just have to sit upright and you're just facing someone who's like some sort of army police officer guy and you're just not allowed to move unless you want to go to the toilet you get given a bit of pasta that you can make on a fire no sauce nothing sleep on the floor and it was like that for about a week and a half and and their kind of sort of strategy was to strip you of your personality any privileges that you have but they're not privileges they're just normal things that you should have like your own clothes or a pillow or a mattress to sleep on but they had the strategy where they just take everything from you and if you want it back you have to earn it if you don't want to earn it back you don't get it it's as simple as that and I just remember writing letters to my parents just begging them to take me out of there just getting ignored ignored ignored ignored so I just thought the only way I can get out of here is if I just do what they say so I did again the place was very brutal you know a lot of shouting a lot of physical grabbing shoving pushing like the staff members and we weren't allowed to talk to each other the kids weren't allowed to talk to each other and it's very lonely horrible and so anyway I completed that three months later I left the camp went to visit my parents in LA who were then going to take me back to Singapore which again was a lie because I was told I was going back to England where all my friends were where they put me originally and I got out of the camp for one day and I had a huge argument with my mum because I was lied to I was like you're not fucking lied to me and sent me to this camp and you want me to now be reformed no thanks fuck you basically and then I went to the computer room in this hotel and I was just sat there on MSN catching up with everyone and I just heard the door burst open behind me and these two massive men bearing in mind on 15 these two men that my parents didn't even know who they rang up to take me back so they just grip me up chuck me in the car it was unlike Christmas Eve something something around Christmas time I was there for Christmas and I was just like fuck all I thought was why didn't I wait till I got back to England because this won't happen if I'm in England because it's not it's not legal here and so yeah I got sent back for that time it was for a month and yeah like the whole process just made me think I can't fucking trust anyone for some reason they think that I'm gonna sit there and go oh I need to be good now no I'm thinking fuck all you lot you think you can just lie to me and just chuck me in a car and chuck me in a camp but you don't even want to look after me yourself so yeah I left there after a month that sounds a bit extreme did anybody ever benefit from that no everybody ended up worse and oh you mean the other kids yeah I don't think so you ever in contact with any of them I used to some of them ended up worse I definitely did I took way more drugs than I've ever took I know and yeah I just feel like the whole strategy was just fucked up all you only did was love yeah and you know when I asked you exactly and when I asked my parents now why did you send me there might both of my parents just say we have to because otherwise you were gonna die and I was like are you listening to yourself you were saying I'm gonna you if I don't go there I'm gonna die but where were you if you think your own child's gonna die you're still fucking around in Singapore whilst I'm fucking around in England and you don't want to come and help me if you really think I'm gonna die but it's not that it's your problem go did you ever get fairly pure yeah I still have therapy I've had every kind of therapy possible I have therapy every week I have hypnotherapy sometimes I've had loads of therapy I've actually got trauma from that so bad that I find it difficult to travel because airports give me really bad anxiety and I have anxiety about you know sometimes in the middle of the night I can't sleep because I think someone's gonna come and take me or take my daughter and it's a real problem I have like every night I would probably think about it at least once some nights I can't sleep because of it some nights I'm alright but I'm so funny with safety like the locks on my doors cameras everything cuz I just feel like I'm not safe have you ever been robbed once but it wasn't that bad I wasn't in and it was yeah they saw me coming to the house and they dropped all my stuff outside I think it was one of my friends said it was bad but you would have thought I had the way that I keep my house safe remember you were abused at 14 so you're gonna have that trauma and pain but it's because we humans are very good at blocking things out yeah block everything out and you don't even realize you're doing it all comes to the surface no matter how strong you think you know my how much you exercise or whatever you do you can only heal it when you face it yeah and be honest about it go do you know what I fucked up there I've been through some shit yeah this is why these podcasts are so good because these are therapy sessions absolutely yeah it's just people getting understanding a huge you know what she's actually sound and then people come forward gives other people strength yeah because so many people go through it and a lot of men are going through the same shit as well yeah the thing about men we don't we can't speak about it that's the thing we're fucking shut up and understand because it always say this but the saying it's okay not to be okay I get it but it's not okay to live there yeah you've got to fucking fight back you've got to push through the pain in the storm to try and have a better day and I think maybe we'll chill out when we're 60s hopefully but right now it's just all hustle because we've got pressure on us to survive to be better parents and yeah it's just constant pressure especially in this day and age and nobody really knows what the fuck is going on I think we know we're talking about we'll talk a lot of shit yeah no matter who really knows what's going on we're just like winging it yeah so see when you get through all that then you end up in X in the beach what was the fame like for you was that an enjoyment um because you see joy when you seem to embrace that I really embraced it and I was really good at it like I was really good at like making sure I was in the paper every day getting the press not giving a fuck as well I'll just the packs will be like do this do that I'll just do anything just to get the headline which was good for me then because I wanted what I wanted them but what I want now is totally different I want more stability and I won't press in the right way if I'm gonna get pressed but I like to be a lot more low key now anyway because I'd like to protect my daughter and peace yeah do you feel like you're used a lot but listen you are gaining the neighborhood gaining so you're using them just as much as you could you thought that was a right thing at that time for your life so it kind of serves you but do you look back and if you get embarrassed and feel you cringe absolutely I cringe so much like I think I'm the worst one but I'm sure I'm not but I think I literally was like I remember thinking when I went on that the second X on the beach they literally sat me down and we're like the first one you didn't do enough this one you need to do this this in this otherwise you're gone so that right I'm just fucking doing everything I'm drinking everything I'm yeah doing everything fighting with everyone what did you get paid I remember not a lot like 150 a day that's fucking terrible yeah it's terrible the only good thing is I got celebrity brother after that which is you don't wear in that yeah you got the final yeah I got to the final that's probably my least cringiest show but I still cringe who's the wee guy is a pain in the ass who's always shouting Paul Danan so jarring he was just like what was my experience of him I think he had a lot of issues himself and he was kind of like deflecting a lot where I've had so much therapy I can kind of clock these type of behaviors to like a lot of I think it's can be a male trait to be a bit more in denial not all men but yeah he was a bit in denial and I think that he was just pushing his issues on to me but I knew he was doing that so I was just winding him up on purpose what happened after big brother um after big brother I did quite a few I did a show called a celebrity stylist or something where they made me over and stuff which I didn't really like but I did a lot more kind of magazine deals and stuff and then I focused on my only fans because you're a glamour model as well yeah I did glamour back in the day when there was nuts zoo I mean I'm pretty sure I was in there when I was 16 but they didn't know I just yeah but back then they just ask you hold on you tell them and then they don't they don't check but now ID is like a thing but yeah back in the day of nuts and zoo the sun I used to do all of that um and then after big brother like as as all shows do when it started to die down all the magazine deals and stuff I just thought only fans I'm just gonna try it so I did and when I started it I was a very PG um and I made loads of money and I was like why the fuck wouldn't I keep doing this I carried on and obviously it's been like four five years now that I've done it so the levels have gone up and up and up because the money's addictive and people want to see more there's only so many times you can just pose covering your boobs and stuff so yeah it's my biggest thing right now but do you feel as if it has become an addiction because I've spoke to enough girls on only fans now and I spoke to enough porn stars who are now in their 30s and 40s they seem damaged they seem broke yeah is there ever a get out where you think because it's kind of still got it together and your understanding life a bit more and you know when you were used back in the day yeah because you're still being used again but you're getting what you want you're getting with the word men are fucking vulnerable men are so weak now there are there's it's cringe but the same one further than men are virgins so men are just looking for a partner or something to talk to yeah it's fucking it's terrible it's fucking sad but are you wary of the longer you go the more fucked up you will become absolutely and that's why I've started so I've just started a new thing where I'm building a software AI where I can be somebody's like virtual girlfriend on telegram and it's like a basically like a robot where it mimics me completely so you can literally voice note me I have to do about 20 hours of voice training and sending loads of voice notes off to the software developers but yeah you could actually voice note me and I can voice note you back but it's not actually me and I can have 20,000 conversations at once or the software can I don't have to do anything so obviously I have to do a lot of work at the start and I'll keep content regular and stuff but I'm hoping that I'm going to convert my only fans to that so only fans for me is not a forever thing and when my daughter's you know 12 years old when she's got a phone hopefully she doesn't have one before them maybe she will and things are easily accessible I just don't want to be doing it I just think the only fans know I think it's just more acceptable yeah the Americans in that they're kind of 10, 20 years ahead with the Americans love porn only fans nothing but it's the girl next don't know everybody seems to be doing it and listen men are paying for it the thing is when I post a photo with somebody from only fans are porn it's the men they hate the fucking anger they've got and I was like yeah that's so angry what's she telling us of you no the girls they're fucking it's it's madness how angry they are angry at what though I don't know I don't know I don't fucking know why they're so angry about this majority they don't pay and I hope people wouldn't do it yeah but you know a lot of guys pay to go on my only fans and say horrible things don't it doesn't bother me but they're just yeah they'll just say oh you look fucking gross or you look I'm like yeah but you just paid to see that and you keep paying so it's like they want to they get a kick out of abusing you still yeah are you used to that though yeah and that doesn't bother me anymore you become fixed into it but then I've always been speaking about it recently that like they say sticks and stones but names is just as bad as getting your fucking leg around broke because yeah and painful that they can kill people just as much as anything yeah I think like emotional and mental abuse is worse than physical abuse well actually no I can't say that because I've not really actually had real bad physical abuse but it can be like words like you said or manipulation can be a lot worse what's when did you start getting all the work done the tits and the lips because you've got your ass done as well did you know yeah yeah when did you start when do you look at that think this is an addiction as well when did you start working on all that I'm still addicted to all of that always getting filler in my ass um I got my boobs done when I was 20 I think see that's not too bad yeah it's when the fillers on the ass then the cheeks and then yeah I've seen men getting but my face is not yeah and I think calf implants and bicep implants I'm just no that's way too much the abs and stuff yeah that's weird for me and it's crazy I think yeah more women it is listen mama when I get Botox and lips so I don't need to put them down but it becomes an addictive thing as well where people don't love themselves enough where they're just craving something to but if it makes people feel better than I don't give a fuck but I don't think people are happy enough because they're always craving more if they were happier than they would get more I think this comes along with social media though because the more you can see this image of this perfect woman that's probably not real or like you know all the celebrities like Cardi B and all the American girls and that it's like you almost feel like you have to keep up with them because they're just portraying this perfect look the whole time and yeah I think like getting your lips done it's you know people go and do it in their lunch break now it's just normal it's so normal to get your lips done and you know it's when people take it to different levels that you can get filler here now because apparently if you've got a dip here it makes you look older and I'm like what would you mean I've got temples isn't that normal and they just keep adding these crazy things on and people get sucked into it but for me the face stuff I haven't got sucked into it yeah I get my lips done and I get Botox but I don't get anything else I think the face stuff I used to though I used to have massive cheeks and yeah you don't even see what you're doing to yourself because when I got it took out and I was just free of it all for a few months I looked back and I was like that is not what I saw when I was doing it so people just get I don't know you just kind of get sucked into it I think it became like a shield as well though like a little protection yeah of nobody can see who I really am yeah I think so I think that's what my tattoos are though when did you start the tattoos um I think I was a well my first ever tattoo when I was 13 in Singapore again no ID needed um it's shit I've got a weed leaf on my ass so used to be a stoner and then it didn't really kind of stem from that tattoo but I got the odd little one until I was about 18 and then that's when I started to get covered what about the tattoos in the face have you had some lasered off no so you've had so what's that is that still there then yeah yeah I've got make-up ones if you can fully see them I've got some love hearts here my daughter's date of birth and her name love written there and a few more dotted around but yeah that's something that I can't stop like I don't know what I'm going to do when I've got no space left and that's coming soon because I think in time with the laser stuff I think the next five years they're just able to take stuff off and people can just go again yeah yeah so see when you start tattooing fans obviously you've done the glamour modelling you've done the reality shows when you're doing mad shit on there was the only fans easy for you was that an easy decision no I actually was in two minds about it and I was seeing a guy at the time who didn't want me to do it but he was not bringing anything good to my life so eventually that kind of got put aside and I started it and started to see the benefits from it and making loads of money but it was definitely something I was thinking about for a while before I did it and although I can sit here now and say to you like I'm happy and proud of everything I've accomplished and stuff because you know I own properties and stuff I put my money in good places that something just doesn't sit right with me still how I got the money just it never will just feel dirty it feels yeah why the fuck are you doing it then addicted how do you change that then because obviously you know yourself as a parent you want to read by example it's all we want to do am I talking a good game I'd be completely destroyed if my daughter wanted to do it I couldn't say she couldn't know but I literally would be horrified if she wanted to it's fucked isn't it it's like a contradict you know as sometimes I talk and I think you're on it today James and I say back and I think you're just off your fucking head because it's just pure shit we talk no no it's just because we say it in a more calmer place it's bullshit yeah but because we're talking about life and this but why man down in London away from my kids to great views money attention things that I don't really give a fuck about I wear holes in my jumper back home I just walk the dogs all get fucking so I walk about like a fucking a jakey but so why are you here I don't know I don't know because the fact that you're keeping busy yeah keeps my demons at bay yeah they're not as loud and you're still voices in there but they're not as loud as they used to be yeah I've got to keep busy when you when I say oh I think I need to be doing something everyone's got to be doing something though you can't just the family life is amazing but I think if you do that 24-7 like you just go insane but the family life it's hard there's no it's okay making money and try to give them but it's fucking painful yeah the constant worry the constant stress the constant am I doing a good job because I get angry and agitated so do I I'm not a fucking monk and I get myself down because I know I should be doing better I'm always looking for improvements I think that shows that's a good quality to have if you're always trying to be better especially for your children that must show that you're doing something right if you're always trying to do better yeah but it's constant pressure then I know it's not never happen my life is going amazing I'm drink free drug free gambling free I'm fucking smashing it but up here I'm eating I'll eat my motions this is my third podcast today so you can't eat after it and it's like comforts that's sitting eating myself yeah it's fucking weird I wish I had that issue you've lost a lot of it yeah I want it I'm trying to put weight on um the weight that I've lost is just healthy weight though because I train a lot more now no like like oh yeah I had that but a while ago that went in my bum so yeah so it took so how does that work so they took all the fat out my stomach my back my arms and then just shoved it in my ass not can't believe I just said that you know what I mean so see when you started the only fans that started PG yeah and then you're getting that you're still getting that attention because you're in control I've booked enough girls and they love that power when you've got an army of men who basically fucking do anything for you that is for me I don't the power isn't really what drives me it's just the money just like I can sit and talk to someone all day if they're spending and I just I don't know like it for me money I've never I've never got enough like I want to have a mansion with 10 cars and 10 private jets in a fucking boat like that's where my brain wants to be so no matter how good I do if if I'm not there I'm not doing well enough and you know there's been times where I've stopped and I've kind of looked around and I've seen what I've got and seen the house I live in and the houses that I own the other people rent and I've thought why don't I why am I not like proud of myself or why am I not getting a feeling of like gratitude or like yeah being being proud of myself basically and I think a lot of it's to do with how I've got the money but a huge amount I don't even think it has to do with that because my money's clean now I'm clean living I'm not doing any dodgy shit I'm flying straight but I'm still feel the same yeah I still feel the same no matter the car the jewellery or the house it's just there's still an emptiness I wouldn't say loneliness because it's I've got enough people around me but it's just I don't know because it's it doesn't mean I think when you've been through so much you're just trying to fill a hole constantly maybe and and it almost makes me feel bad like I've got the most beautiful healthy daughter and she's the most important thing to me in the world but sometimes I'm like why am I not content with just that but I'm not and that's a fact and it's like but that's why I think that you know when you said you like to be busy and doing stuff I think it's important to have the balance but yeah I don't think I don't know I think I'm still searching I think I think I still need a mum and a dad I'm 35 years old but I still need that and I don't have it and I just think I'm just trying to fill the hole with everything else and and it isn't working but I'm still doing it have you ever had that discussion with them now that you're a bit old and understand life more that they've let you down are they in denial in absolute denial my mum will not talk about it and she will not face it she blames me so when I have tried to speak to her about these things in the past she just tells me I'm aggressive so if I'm speaking and I'm being a bit um I don't even think aggressive the word I'm just telling you how I feel and I'm emotional so I might be sounding a bit angry or a bit upset oh you're just so aggressive Gemma I can't talk to you and that's it it's done you know there's loads of situations I remember another time when I was little sorry to go back to that but it's just come to my head where I was moving house I say little I was 18 but yeah I still feel little because I still feel like I'm craving that motherly love but I was moving house and I had to get some man in a van to come and help me move and I had not a lot of money back then so I just chose the cheapest one and the guy was some Indian guy and he came upstairs the top of my house so I was collecting my bits and he just took his shirt off and he just grabbed me and he kind of I can't remember dead dead specifically but I just felt his breath like on my face like he was dead close to me and I just pushed him off and ran downstairs my friend luckily was downstairs kicked them out I think I might have reported to the police I can't remember um but the first thing I wanted to do is ring my mum and her fur I told her exactly what happened and her first thing she said was well what were you wearing because yeah you must have been wearing something basically I don't know the exact words she said but something revealing for that to happen and it was just like again that was another scenario that I felt like oh shit was I doing something right I was wearing a tracksuit I was moving house but she obviously can see on Instagram I'm going out on little skirts and stuff so her initial reaction is to blame me and yeah I think I probably went on a bender that night but yeah these these things I've brought that up to her since and she just says she doesn't remember so it's either I don't remember or you're aggressive I can't talk to you does it make you feel as if you're going insane and actually making it up but you actually do blame yourself um I don't think it makes me feel like I'm making it up or blame myself but it makes me feel like how I feel about it isn't valid like I don't have a right to feel like that or I shouldn't feel like that and if I tell you I feel like that the fact that you don't like it I'm upsetting you and that's my fault that's how it makes me feel and you know you can still report that cunt when you were 14 yeah that's where you can there's not there's not a time limit there's not to say that because that's still trauma and pain whatever relationship breaks down of the trust issues every man comes into your life is fucked yeah and I know I can it's it's a weird feeling of like it's almost like I feel like because I've got over it I don't want to relive it by going through that type of process of reporting it it's weird though because he's now 45 or something and I heard that he married like 18 year olds and I think like I know that's not pedophilia but it's not it's fucking bottom line yeah that's thank you for saying that because I think it is yeah I don't know if it's fellow school fielder he's just seen the kid that tends you're abusing your power yeah exactly just because listen they could have waited and had sex at 16 but it's abusing their power it's a man in power yeah who's then giving them on a job that's grooming and it's it's the mental state of an 18 year old like how are you 45 and you're you want to be with an 18 year old who's got no life experience no sexual experience it's like manipulation it's just I think it's messed up it's just grooming yeah and if he's obviously got those tendencies if he's done that with you who else has he done it to exactly but the most hurtful part again was just not being believed and not being listened to and even you know I just remember my little sister was still friends with him um a while after actually I think she got back friends with him and I just felt like I had to be friends with him because protect your sister yeah but also because otherwise I'd be the naughty girl again who was just always the problem so yeah but he's a sex kiss he needs a fucking bullet right through the knee and then beating fuck out as simple as that there's no denying it I believe in calm though as well but look at Jimmy Savile he went through his whole life with no convictions oh my god you're actually he was fucking shagging dead bodies and working in hospitals and working with disabled kids you know stuff like that I can't read too much of it because it makes me paranoid like what's out there I know it's out there already and I'm so protective and I'm aware but when I read stuff like that I'm like what is this world coming to when pedophiles are just out here but yeah other crimes are way not as bad but you get treated like way worse yeah I was a kid that read 13 year old in Glasgow and never even get community service or got community service but there some there was some there was streaming football matches now you buy those dodgy boxies and get 12 years are you joking 12 years a poor bastard what this is what I'm saying but they say the world does run by satanic fucking lunatics yeah I agree with that definitely I mean because I get so much power money no object look at the Balenciaga campaign yeah that disgusted me I got rid of all my stuff I do notice people still wear it and I do sometimes feel like how you're just allowing it the sick thing is it's in front of your eyes and we're so brainwashed and so dumbed down because we're so caught up in a world where it's all go go go get the bills work hard get the kids to bed then repeating the same cycle 70 years old and what are you done fuck all your life people think they're doing the right thing life listen there's a lot of beautiful things in life and there's a lot of amazing people I've met so many but you just don't know what goes behind closed doors so you've got to be protective you've got to kind of just make sure listen I'm you're not having a sleepover my kid doesn't have sleepovers I don't know what the fucking dad's like cameras in rooms and shit and I've interviewed enough fucking people now with a weird shit that does happen I've interviewed a woman Sarah sands amazing woman she was a old man at the shop 77 her kids used to go to shop lovely old man and he gave the kids a job and abused the sons but she went around that night killed the cunt killed him she did she get seven years and then they doubled her sentence because it says it was too lenient beautiful amazing really can they do that go back and change it yeah because I was the people reported that it was too really amazing woman I'd do that I would do that I would kill not a fucking problem yeah it's not that tough it's just I would sleep better at night knowing that I've done damage to the person like a lot of torture as well yeah exactly that's what I mean so what kind of everybody's got it in them this is just a woman who done the right thing she wanted the man to admit his guilt but what happens is he got bail came back out again and abused more kids so the system here's fucked uh Dela right who's trying to get because you can change your name for less than 20 quid change your passport change your driving license that's how a lot of these people have why do they get protected like that Australia you can't leave the country russia life sentence got it bang on here they're just protected just kill the cunts yeah I'm the same fuck them I reckon definitely for things like that yeah I think I'm going to try and castrate them but the thing is it doesn't change the mindset because it's a sexual attraction they say one in 30s get paid to file tendencies so that's one in one in 30 maybe the age the age consent in UK I think was 12 just at the late 1800s and I try to bring it down again to 14 and I try to normalize all the fucking weird shit with the trans move it and all the there's this the dinner cycle in London naked psycho yeah what the hell is that about it's just creepy you get done I get fucking at 60 quid fine for doing a person in the street three years ago well exactly all these cunts are walking about even if you're not doing a piss you'll get done for being naked but why are they allowed to be on bikes because I try to normalize that if they normalize it and bring it into schools and have drag queens reading story times it just I've not got anything to do it I've not got nothing to do against drag queen or whatever but just keep it 18 plus don't that's what I do yeah ferry suits and promoting it to kids and all these pronouns and things like there's two genders male and female that's it men can't have babies men can't have periods and it's just well it's just it seems mutilation if you're cut off your tits and your dick and if you genuinely think yeah somebody else listen I don't have a problem with you but don't bring it into schools and keep few kids minds because if you're at that age and lost and nobody's listening to you maybe you think or maybe I'm trapped in somebody else's body exactly you know you're cutting things off it's just and you know there's people that have had these six changes and then they've regretted it a few years later because it's not human it's not a normal thing and it was classed as a mental illness four or five years ago yeah and now it's as a mental illness you're mentally fucking all if you want to be saying that you've had Botox and tits and arson yeah but I don't want to be a boy yeah you know what I mean so I can understand the light I say I have no issues with anybody but don't fucking teach my kids it because I speak out this shit frequently and people go off their nut but I can only speak from a father the way I'm not got against it but just because and I can say say you know where people's feelings are more protected than the truth that's just bizarre and it's just fucked up man don't tell me to into his sex it's when it's and also if you want to sit there and tell me that you are a cat with fucking I don't know whatever a dick when yet when you're actually a girl sat there and I don't want to believe you I can get in trouble for that now apparently it's fucked up if I don't want to address you like that yeah it's like I keep seeing these things where the people of that kind of community are getting so offended when people who don't agree with it don't want to comply with how they want to be addressed and stuff but I don't want my daughter to learn that in school but they are trying to bring that stuff into schools I keep seeing it but how can you stop it it's just seems it's a very small majority but it's just to seem very loud and if I'm in a if my current daughter's going to a toilet and I saw some hairy ass guys getting in I ain't letting them in just because you then change your name or change your pronoun or whatever the fuck you're still a man yeah exactly and there's genuine people out there who genuinely think they're stuck in a different body and I get it and they just want to be theirself and don't be shouting from the rooftops but there just seems to be a lot of madness with the pride flags and pride ones what's happening with the straight man who fucking who celebrates us we get a father's day that's that and yet we don't even really get fucking celebrated that much listen a lot of men are assholes we get it I've been one for many years and I probably still am at some degree but it's just try to understand life and not just bending over because what the fucking media try to promote just have a front have some fucking balls and saying do you know what I'm not agreeing with that and I'm not agreeing with you because you say it's right everybody sees the world differently absolutely it's actually scary though when when I kind of see all these things on reels on instagram and how much people are just getting completely brainwashed and you can get brainwashed by good stuff but when when kids are like what 12 scrolling on tiktok and they're seeing this all the time it becomes more normal what's going on on their phone than what's going on at school or what's going on in the real world um but yeah that's something that's actually scares me but what about relationships what's your longest um four years what do you struggle in relationships with insecurities you've had from the past um or you need to yeah I think majority women are i think majority men are as well like men like me the women yeah i'm an elephant i control because all men i control freaks i'm a control freak absolutely i'm like in a relationship i'm very um submissive so i kind of like to be what the man wants me to be and i'm like a good girlfriend in terms of loyalty and i stay at home i don't not out in the club and stuff like that when i've got a boyfriend um but in return i do kind of want yeah i guess i'm needy and i do want affection and love and stuff and i think the men that i've gone for in the past can be quite emotionally unavailable and can't handle that sometimes and um yeah i think the problem for me and the men that i get with is that i'm probably trying to fill a hole from what my parents didn't give me so it's probably quite a big job for them to then do that and i shouldn't really maybe expect them to but i don't mean to okay father forget yeah or just you know i i have i literally have no family around me at all so i crave a lot of like the stuff what you get from your family just comfort love loyalty um even just a shoulder to cry on or just someone to kind of talk to about stuff so i feel like when i've had a boyfriend before i kind of put a lot of weight on them what a lot of people might go to their dad for or their mom for do you know what i mean so yeah and yeah i i have insecurities i think we all do especially in this day and age um so yeah i i do i do struggle but i think it's because i get with the wrong type of boys do you think it's easier being single sometimes definitely yes emotionally um because it is draining relationships are tiresome because as you get older the more baggage as well yeah you're coming with fucking kids you're coming with trauma you're coming with pain you're coming with fix me you're looking for something to heal the pain and yeah i used to always say you can't love anybody until you love yourself but i don't believe that anymore because i don't believe that i think people can come in and make you a better person because only thing with relationships if you're single for so long you can hide yeah nobody knows nobody sees your madness but then when you're in a relationship it brings out all that unwanted fucking trauma the easy press and you get those feelings they can leave me so as a man all my relationships are the end of after three months because my feelings are going you can fucking hurt me and i was already in pain yeah exactly as a man a broken heart is the worst pain that you can go through losing a dog probably as well but yeah as a man the pain in a heartbreak because you'll see men going to the clubs and drink on ocean beach so do you think that it's worse for men than women i think so because we hide it more but that doesn't mean it feels worse it does because you tend to see a lot of women speak about their pain they'll sit around the girls and talk shit and friday night with a pizza men are straight to the club fucking other girls going to ocean beach and doing all that because that's because they're broken they can't handle the pain anybody normal just go fuck it i'm going to train hard go to gym a lot of men do do that but that is always an escape i think both feel the pain because men love the attention women love it but when it when it's a toxic relationship though they're the fucking worst yeah the toxic ones are the worst yeah when you're that's the worst but when it's the love is there though it's the best yeah but it doesn't last that long because it just goes fucking nuts again exactly and if you're both needy in different ways and you're not the stubbornness as well is the worst i'm so stubborn how is it when you get a man when you the shit that you're doing now though so with my boyfriend that i've got now we do content together so that's that's the best you tend to see every porn star that you kind of because they understand that life yeah a man would accept it for three months and then the insecurities and you're not doing that anymore have the only fans got to have spoke to choose the the job over the man yeah well my i've had one boyfriend since i did only fans because when i first started it i was with another guy and he didn't like it but i wasn't really doing it extreme then and it was all right it only fans have never actually got in the way of me having a relationship before like my boyfriend that i'm with now he wanted to be involved so what was he like before he met you what do you mean what would he say that you got involved so he was he wasn't doing any of that shit no he never done it he never done it before he he knew i did it so i think he always knew that there was a chance he could get involved and um yeah it just made me more money so when you started pg what sort of shit you're doing only fans now i'm fucking only fans everything yeah does that make the most money yeah do you see a lot of these guys gave her pain that i just don't get it i can't get my head around that around what gave her pay a lot of the men sucking dick and getting their ass blasted oh my god i don't get it then you'll get it if you're doing that million percent i had dan on always mentioning poor bastard he's a good he's a bare knuckle world champion yeah fucking nutcase but he's sucking dick and blasted asshole of guys in the sense he's bi or whatever but yeah i don't let nobody cares but i just yeah but as the money so good that people just do it for the money but why not just fuck women but he says he makes more money if you're a man on only fans the audience is predominantly gay because women don't really go on there and spend money on there so if it's like a woman's only fans but the obviously men are on there and you're like having sex with a guy who's not it's not his only fans then it works that way around but for men to just have an only fans on their own unless they're with a girl who's like known on only fans it is going to be a gay audience i would say many subscribers you got um for a hundred thousand collectively what yeah i'm okay fucking good on you i'm really starting out with only fans maybe i'll just start getting ass blasted all the time getting on i'm putting everybody down now he's gay but everybody shouts that is the one who's gay on that no exactly so how the fuck do you maintain that then with that a lot of time consuming a lot of content you need to make yeah so this is the other thing people think only fans are so easy and you just start a page and then you just take some naked pictures and you become a millionaire it doesn't work like that like i have to make new content every single day and i'm constantly answering messages all day long um i do have a team of people that help me with the structure of my page and scheduling and stuff but i speak to the fans myself you know um so it's a lot of work and can you imagine i've been doing it five years like there's only so many times i can do everything with whatever toy or whatever position like i've done it all so i'm constantly trying to find new ways to make new content and it's fucking hard um yeah and i don't love doing it if i'm honest is it just showing your boyfriend who does it as you get other people involved i do stuff with other girls but i've never done anything with another guy just him so other girls i will meet up with and do collabs with i actually do a collab day which i started um a few months ago it's just called collab with gem lucy and people other girls can come there to the day and collab with me collab with each other i don't really do really explicit with these girls i'll do explicit stuff with like selected ones but they can do um kind of PG videos with me and i provide five of the best photographers in england who come and it's just a really great day for people to kind of start somewhere and build so yeah but in terms of the explicit side i can yeah i'll collab with other models that do well on only fans and i'll do everything as well how do you separate making love to having sex for only fans is it just the same or no separate both it's completely different how so so when i first did it with my boyfriend it was really weird because it's like it's acting it's not like obviously when i have sex with my boyfriend it's very intense and passionate and stuff but when i'm filming i don't do any of that stuff i don't even really like to make much noise because i don't know it feels weird it took us a while to kind of get into that but um yeah it we don't mix the two so we have a set time where that's being filmed and then obviously the rest isn't a set time that just happens whenever how is it when you've got so many men because men are creepy but when you've got so many men following you know how do you then trust men when you know how fucking dancing do they are i don't yeah it's weird don't i'm really i struggle with trust like i think that all men cheat i think all men lie i'm pretty fucked i'll be honest like there's nothing there's nothing i trust and if it hasn't happened yet i think it will i'm not just saying in my situation because that's separate but i'm just saying in any situation but i don't really trust people i get fucked over a lot i put a lot of love and trust into people because where my family is so non-existent i kind of make my friends or the people around me my family so i put my all into it and then i get you know i can get really upset with people if they either break my trust or let me down i take it quite quite badly in a way i wish i didn't i wish i didn't take it so personally but yeah trust for me is the hardest thing to get in any friendship or relationship what sort of packages do you have and only fans in terms of what does it work what people would pay for your time and what's the price range so you can subscribe i usually have some sort of promotion on so it's $20 to sub sometimes i'll have a promotion where it's five or ten um the idea is to just to get as many people on the page as possible and then when i'm talking to them in the DMs i'll just start talking a bit naughty and then send a little teaser video and then from there if they want to see more then they just start unlocking and they're probably wanking at the same time or definitely these men because they feel as after the relationship with you did i love you any stalkers any weird shit do you know what touch word i haven't really noticed a stalker i mean i might have but i think i would know um yeah some of them are dead kind of like loving and that you can tell they just want to be they want to just talk to me sometimes none of them sometimes they don't want to talk about anything sexual they just want to talk about normal stuff but then you get the proper dirty ones that just straighten like i had to do a FaceTime the other day and usually i answer the phone and they talk to me for about a minute or two and then that's usually it um but this one i just answered it he's just wanking straight away i was like only not on the fucking thing i was like get this off if you've got so many how can you balance it out if somebody's paying for your time somebody so much is it for a FaceTime um depends like two hundred dollars for like a minute and a half what yeah that's not you're never starting no well no i am when i do this ai when i do this ai thing i'm stopping because this is the ai thing that i'm doing is so much more personal and it's like on your phone on your on your whatsapp basically and it's me voice noting you throughout the day so like you could literally say hi jemma how are you and i will reply saying hi james i'm good how are you what are you doing today and it's just like within seconds the software's unreal but the people just send you money all the time when all they find is just if you're going out for the getting your nails done yeah they do i don't really ask for money for my nails so because yeah it's cheap yeah yeah i just want the big dollars yeah so see when you how do you is there any boundaries with you but it's a no go or you're just full steam ahead in terms of what content yeah i don't know what do you mean just i don't piss and stuff like that they're even shitting at that that's fucking weird no no no no i don't you're not allowed to be there but no way because i've had a dominatrix in it on she's just shits in a bowl and the guy's just sitting eating it at the door pardon had a dominatrix on the gara and she's just the crazy stories that men just eating it like a fucking bowl of conflicts yeah it's crazy so she was just shitting the bowl he's the pretend he was a dog or whatever and just sitting at the shite and just talking to her like it's a complex i can feel something in my throat yeah i don't hear it like everybody's got fetishes the feet fetish which we've been we've been talking about at least recently we who gives a fuck about that nothing tells you that yeah like pushing on people and that i kind of there's nothing out of bounds anymore yeah everybody's seen it all i think people see what they see are enough naked people in one day then they're holding their whole lifetime or generation back when your grandparents 1700s 1800s maybe say a set of tits yeah time to time but nowadays there's so many issues just flooded do you think that can be damaging though it's got to be because the porn watching porn damaging towards the brain so i'd imagine only fans are just the exact same yeah i think the whole i can feel the damage that's kind of like within me from being involved in the industry and making the content and talking dirty to these guys and pretending i'm coming on this fucking video and i'm not like it feels so it's fake do you know what i mean and it's yeah it does feel really damaging um but yeah i think porn in general for for guys a lot of men get addicted to porn don't they yeah and i personally don't do you know i used to watch all the time but i used to watch it back to the you're watching 10 minute previews at 12 o'clock at night at 12 13 but then in your 20s because it's reward it's like a reward system yeah you're feeling good pleasure for a couple of minutes and then it goes but yeah the more you do it the more depressed you become watching porn that damages the brain it darkens the yeah where it becomes depressing because then you're seeing people as objects and i believe that's why so many men are creepy because that guy who you invited into your house he's he's thinking that some fucking ponds say so it's men are seen things definitely the way we should it's not it's the relationships are breaking down too easy because it's yeah exactly where the fuck i'm just i'm just going put a post on fucking instagram and say i'm single or some cheesy shit and people slide into your DMs absolutely women are just they're up there remaining it's and it's just everywhere because it's like free now like even some people's instagrams are so pornographic it's just like a man can just see that and just get horny straight away and go straight to a porn site i don't know i just feel like even like i've i watched porn sometimes it not a lot but when i do obviously once it's done i'm just like what was that feels up there yeah just not interested it's just like a weird feeling where i've done it occasionally and i've kind of felt like that afterwards where i just don't really can't see how someone gets addicted and wants to carry on doing that it's not like a doesn't stimulate you it doesn't make you feel good afterwards what sort of weird stuff do you get asked what sort of what weird stuff oh i had a fucking weird one the other day wait what was it oh my god it's not even dirty so someone paid me to do a video where i tied my hands up together and washed my hands with a bar of soap and they wanted to film me to film it so i was like how am i going to film this in my hand side i did it but what the fuck are you getting off of me washing my hands while they're tied up like that i mean that's not well it is sexual but it wasn't gross thank god um yeah i get asked for the pissing a lot but i don't do that i did that once when i was off my nut do you know i mean i wasn't um just pissing on a video yeah much do you get paid for that i didn't do it is it the more is it the heavier stuff the more you get paid yeah but that's actually not allowed on any fan so what person yeah fucking amateur website yeah i know shite bags exactly so what's your daily routine like doing only fans um so when i wake up in the morning after you know my daughter's gone to school and stuff i'll usually i'll always take some pictures in the morning like in my bed or in the shower or um in the mirror and then i'll just have to kind of go through all my messages respond to people send out mass messages of like the porn that i've got that i've made myself um and then make a schedule of what new stuff i need to make you must be one of the biggest money makers uh i don't think so no you must be in the uk that's a lot man maybe but the american girls are on loads yeah they're mullions i'm on fitness some of them yeah is that the next step what millions america you can only get so high in the uk america opens a door and our 360 million people yeah exactly well i've got a big american audience though because i do a lot of collaborating with so there's a uh really well known porn star called tucci cash i don't know if you know her she's super hot she's real cool girl and she's really high up so i've done some collaborating with her before and when i did that i got quite a lot of american subs um and i collaborate in other ways such as you know you can just share each other's posts on each other's page so i do have a lot of american subs and the money's there but i don't know they just hit different over there see when you're like taking your daughter's school and how did you feel when you know you're going back to do the mad shit that you try and block it out because if you've got it thrombingly for very good at blocking all the show but there comes a stage where it won't hit you and you're fine the thing is like the good thing about only fans is i am self-employed so i do have weeks where i just shut off when i just i can't be fucked with that now for a few weeks and it isn't good for my income but my head's more important and my daughter's more important and if i don't want to do it i'm not going to like if i really don't want to what you're gonna do when she does ask the questions when she has in school and people are fucking showing the photos around where my mum pissing on herself there's no photo of that day do you know what it is yeah you'd have thought about that no doubt every fucking other day of course every day yeah and how do you handle that because you know how fucked up your upbringing was and even though your mum's put you through you doing what you do is probably more damaging i'm sorry to say but it is so you need to be careful because i know how much you love your daughter absolutely yeah i mean my aim is for it to not be around by the time she's at proper school and i want to get as much content as i can remove from all the leaked sites and stuff i'm not going to be naive and sit here and say she's never going to know we're never going to see it but i do often speak to girls that i know who have kids that are older and i would say 80% of the girls that i know who've got older kids are fine with it 20% no not to say that it's not me i wouldn't believe that because as a mother and as a father when i used to get mad at certain parties i used to think what the fuck am i doing i've got kids my kids need me but i wasn't strong enough i was weak just to line after line after line because i was so selfish yeah no matter what you're making or what and i was doing bad things to make money plus i was gambling i was doing fucking mad shit but i always knew what i was doing was wrong but i blocked it out where were the weeding valium and charlie and yeah but then i mean you come so but the thing about changing your life everything hits you you realize how much i've messed your fucking yeah but in terms of a career like this i don't know how to change it that's the thing like i'm trying to with the thing that i mentioned earlier with the ai but i don't know how i like i couldn't just go all right i can't do any fans anymore because when my daughter's older it's gonna be whatever because it's my income yeah you're never i already see we're talking to you're never going to stop at any time soon because like you say you're addicted to the money the money heals your pain but they will come at stage where it doesn't matter how much money you make you're probably already feeling it doesn't mean fuck all yeah it's your daughter's sanity because you know yourself the photos but no matter how much you try and block out but again i genuinely do think within the next i don't even think it'll matter yeah only fans and all through you're probably hoping that anyway but i genuinely do think who's asked i think that in 10 years time it's just becoming so much more normal like i've even got friends ringing me up asking me can you help me get on i want to get on it girls that i'd never thought would do it you know one of my friends she's almost 50 and she's got two kids and she wants to do it and i'm just like everyone's just jumping on you know so i think it's just gonna become a lot more normal but that doesn't mean i still even when it becomes that i still want to get off it because of how it makes me feel how do you get off it i have to build other businesses that have an income that's kind of matches that or covers my expenses and a bit more at least and you don't even know how long it lasts did they did it not crash last year or they changed the fucking yeah they tried to say they were not allowing add-on content on there anymore and i think everyone got pissed off when they changed that but yeah that scared me yeah they're making too much money man they must be making throw-eans balleans literally yeah do you know what i mean so yeah yeah is that your main concern the damage because you're only you're doing it to comfort your own home so you are protected sort of imagine that but yeah you're in control yeah exactly not working for anybody you're not being violated yeah because i used to be a stripper and you know when you're when you're using your body to sell in front of people where it's literally like the person's there it feels it feels different like when i'm at home i could just go on my phone log on do what i need to do and then if i feel shit or whatever i don't want to do i just put my phone away but when i used to strip you can't do that you're there and you have to make the money so yeah i've thought about all kinds of things i actually i was a stripper from age like 21 to 26 something like that and i actually went back to it last year or the year before because i thought now i've been on tv i'm going to make loads of money which i did i went back smashed it um but it just didn't feel right like selling myself in person to someone it felt different to doing it on the internet even though it's the same i can still switch off from it and like you said i'm at home i'm in the comfort of my own home i feel safe to a certain extent there so you think about yourself jemma you are a good soul you're a good cunt man you're you're good energy you have you've always been a good cunt you've always been scatty don't get me wrong but who's not do you know what i mean but yeah i was just how do you feel as if your life would be if you had that father that role model to protect you and to guide you how do you think your life would be did you hold any regret towards your father with that as well um my life would be completely different if i had parents that gave a fuck that's the real because they didn't and i didn't know what the fuck i was doing from age any age but especially from when i was in england on my own i didn't know what to do i was just doing what i thought was the right way to get love or get attention or make money um so yeah to answer your question i i kind of resent them in this sense of like what the fuck were you doing having a kid when you don't even want to look after them but they don't even see what they did wrong so i can't even have a conversation about it and my dad's actually my mom is horrible but my dad's actually a nice person he's just completely emotionally unavailable and doesn't understand anything about what he's done to me and what i've been through um but my mom's just a horrible bitch so the last thing you cried over the other day you cried a lot um i'll go through like phases yeah i cry a lot of the time when i cry it's believe it or not i feel guilty about certain things like with my daughter it's always just silly little things like i just find her so cute and stuff and you know if she like when you said you get frustrated i get so frustrated with her and if i shout at her or i always cry about stuff like that because i feel like why can't i just manage my emotion better and not shout at her but then the other part of me saying no you need to like discipline your child but yeah i cry a lot around stuff like that but no doubt you're an amazing mum but there has got to come a stage where you think you've got to think about your daughter you've not got to be selfish because it is star selfish mode you're in i don't want to fucking try and bring you down when i can only speak for what i see yeah and you're not daft you fucking know this so it's just difficult when you're in that little game you're fucking smashing it you're killing it basically but it don't mean fuck all i want to provide things for her like you know financial security and stuff i want her to never ever like miss out on anything but what's that one thing you would have took from your mum and dad what do you mean what's the one thing you wanted from your mum and dad love and attention there you go that's free i definitely give her that but obviously the only fun stuff yeah i just don't know how that's gonna affect her yeah i mean the the thing is like all the stuff that i've been through i'm so aware of it all the time because when i'm looking at my daughter even today when she had a tantrum i was just like i need to just i just want her to know that i'm still care about her even if i can't fully attend to her right the second or if i can't fix whatever's wrong with her which was nothing but as long as i'm just there and prepared to listen to her and stuff i just feel like that's got to be where it kind of starts um in terms of her feeling comfortable and safe that's something i've never felt never felt safe never felt like i couldn't trust anything where i am who i'm with family nothing i've always felt lied to um let us stray so yeah if i can provide a safe home for her that's the main thing yeah that's all you can do and it's not listen i've not got any problems about people doing only fans and porn i've got friends in every fucking industry friends with murderers and bank robbers porn stars only i've no issues with but sometimes i just see sadness in it because i'm trying to fly straight but i'm still sad i still get sad i'll go home in the journey tomorrow and i'll feel down and i think what the fuck you're down for it's like a depressant sometimes yeah for people seeing it's a big smiles it's a handshake it's a cuddles and he's a great guy but then i walk away and i think i just can't be fucking talking to you i'm like that but how do you fix that how do we fix that jank what do you think it's missing i think it i'll be honest of you in my last in my latest years i just think i'm fucked and that's just it i'm not joking i just think i've had so much therapy i've been around all different kinds of people i just have to learn to live with the person i am and i'm never fully happy i'm never fully content i'm always want more of this i'm always doubting myself in that being a parent everything and i don't know i just just gotta live with it damn he's done it yeah what can we actually do about it but it's listen it's not just us the thing with these conversations we're just kind of putting it on the line listen we're fucked we contradict ourselves we're happy one minute we're sad the next we want money we want attention we get that we're still not happy we want to be good parents but we still do things wrong yeah if i love my kids that much why do i travel so much yeah they need me i do what i do is convince myself i'm giving them good schools i'm giving them this that's what i do and it's just and i don't know if i'm trying to convince myself because as a father man you've got to keep busy i've got to keep busy i believe it as a murder's role to be with the kids more skin to skin and understanding kids i don't think kids should be in nurseries all the time that's just my own opinion yeah i don't know somebody was raising their kids and the thing is kids listen to their teachers and their friends will only do their parents so your kids lives are kind of controlled by who they're surrounded with at a very young age and i don't know all this and we don't have it all figured out the money does help i'm not going to lie we've got some freedom we're staying in nice places we travel all around with absolutely yeah and of you some amazing people and people get a lot of inspiration from these conversations but i think the important thing to remember what i always tell myself is that just because you've got kids doesn't mean you're not your own person still so this is something i always try and tell myself because i still have like needs and just things that i like to do and things that might not always involve my daughter and i do feel guilty but i just like always tell myself like i'm still me i still have my own issues and like i said needs that i want to fulfill in my life that they don't just go away just because you come a parent and but some people they do i guess because i there are some people that are literally just parent mode 24 seven i don't know how people do that though and i don't necessarily think that that's normal i think maybe that's some sort of coping mechanism for something maybe um but i think it's also important that children do kind of grow up knowing that parents have to work and parents aren't always with you 24 seven but if you need them they're literally a phone call away or five minutes away kind of thing so um that's what i tell myself anyway would you have any more kids yeah i do want to have another child i don't know when yet but definitely within the next two to three years what about when you go to school and stuff do you feel as if the parents look at you and because i know yeah absolutely i don't think they know what i do they don't know what the fuck they don't they fucking know of course they'll know i have to cancel by subscribing do you reckon yeah one percent everybody knows everybody i know i always check it i always need to know who the parents are my daughters hanging around with i don't you know who the fuck are they with three two oh shit maybe that's why they're weird with me then yeah i wouldn't say they were weird with you but like i say you're not as if you're not you can't chat with you and you're not you're like i say you're not a bad person i always think it's more how i look that's an issue yeah i think so especially where you know the area that i live in it's not to posh yeah so it's not do you feel like it's not an oddity but you feel like different outsider yeah smart that in it yeah but you're making money the rest of those slags yeah i know you look down at the posh wankers this is what i mean this is what i mean but i think that's imposter syndrome but no matter what we do or how much money there's always going to be they're not good enough definitely and i think that i was in a really posh boarding school when i was younger all of the schools i went to and i just found the people that are brought up with these kind of like what's it called spoon fed yeah that you just fake all the time and you just yeah not real and pretend to like each other and it's all a very kind of like surface level relationship you have with other people where you just pretend to be nice all the time and that's kind of why it was an issue when i mentioned about that guy feeling me up when i was 14 that mess of all of that when people just have to have this surface kind of niceness no matter what's going on and i feel like that happens a lot around where i live um and it just reminds me of that like when i was younger so i feel odd because of that too because my mindset isn't like that if i don't like you that i don't i'm not going to pretend i like you i'm not going to be horrible but um but yeah i definitely feel the way i look though when i go to pick my door up from school that nobody looks at me like that like this there so i don't know like do people see past it like my mum has always had an issue with how i look she hates it my tattoos everything she sent me an email once years ago that she was meant to send her friends she copied about 10 of her friends in she screenshot all my tattoos on for my Instagram slagged me off but accidentally put me in it as well and then when i was like my reply saying it was horrible and she was like well i'll be honest with you Gemma you are um segregating yourself is that the word your mum sounds like an evil bastard man she's probably not meant to you're probably meant to put you in is he definitely your parents are they definitely my parents probably not they could be adopted or something yeah maybe it's the dollar i know but when i meet people that are sort of posh it just makes me think that they're going to see me how she does do you know what i mean so i get really thinking that way because no matter what you've done this and you've stolen it and provided for yourself you've survived you're still here that's what you might not be making the the legit money that you believe you could be making you're very successful you know how to make money you can utilize that brain and making money where you feel you know you've got a proper driving purpose right now you say you feel it's a bit dirty but you're doing what you can you're surviving you've not had the father figure to say look what you're fucking doing it's all the usual suspects for the father not being there stripping yeah squatting porn fucking only fans tattoos everything just hiding from something yeah covering up nobody's suspects but it's not some of the girls i used to get back today were fucking nuts but they were so loyal to me yeah they were fucking hundred percent they would die for me that's what i'm like yeah fucking psychos they would smash up my gaffe and there weren't loon balls but there was something i attracted to that because i loved that i loved the madness and chaos and then when you start changing your life doesn't become boring it's more at peace but even then with my life's at peace i feel as if i should be causing some sort of problem because i'm used to my life being so noisy that's it exactly i get that too like i'm still i'm not as wild as i used to be like that but i am like that i'm crazy but so loyal and i mean i'd probably rather be that way than not loyal and not crazy if i'm gonna listen to you because loyalty is just the one thing that it's so rare nowadays gets your bond as well if you're too loyal absolutely when are you your happiest um it's a really tough question you know i don't ever feel hundred percent happy ever so it's more when i'm at my least saddest i would say and i think it's just definitely around my daughter and her happiness and yeah but i feel guilty i just don't ever feel fully content yeah i'm the same person but should that should be the answer what happens when we're for kids but that's bullshit sometimes i'm the most fucking stressed and yeah exactly because i just think that's natural for a parent yeah and that whole love yourself thing i don't really get that because everybody you know on this planet wants to be with someone else because that's what makes you happy and i don't love myself so what now so what does that where do i go from there so yeah i guess i'm my happiest when i'm happy with my partner and my daughter's happy but then i always feel like if that goes away it's almost like i'm depending on that to make me happy yeah but that's okay as well not using them but to be dependent on other people for happiness because we don't know how to be truly happy for ourselves i don't think anybody does people think they've got it figured out but no are they really honest about that i've never came a club you see people and they're they're too fucking happy and i think you're just acting you're about to talk to yourself chill out when are your darkest days when do they they come oh my darkest days are that's a tough question too i guess actually i'll be honest if my money starts to go down this is when i get real depressed because only fans is something that goes up and down depending on everything it can depend on the recession or the time of year or even the week before paydays shit you know or i don't know everyone's making their content three dollars and mine's 20 so then do you know i mean it changes all the time it's so up and down it's not consistent so you can make 200 grand one month and make 10 grand the next month it's like that's a huge jump um so yeah when i go when i have a dip in earnings which is still a lot more than a lot of people it makes me so depressed yeah but you're becoming reliant on that it's like a fruit machine now yeah so i was just pulling the lever i've been i've wanted in my life i'm achieving but i don't even fucking i don't even enjoy or embrace it i remember we used to be in steven used to drive and because we never had the money to stay in hotels we used to sometimes in the car they're just winging it trying to do his money i don't know if it was in a day because it's trying to get fuel home and then it becomes easier i missed that green something i'm still puzzling but there's doesn't there's some spin the more money you make the more pressure you have on yourself as well and your lifestyle just you just have more things to pay for and more extravagant lifestyle it kind of just makes it more depressing because of the pressure i would say where do you go forward for a future in what sense just plans okay so future plans are believe it or not i do want to get off only fans within the next five to ten years hopefully five okay i thought you're gonna say 23 years no just give yourself a ten stretch that means 20 years i don't know if only fans of about about that long people will get bored of it yeah they will over the next three four years there'll be something else coming in there'll be fucking robots and that there was mad shit the ai stuff's all gonna come in but yeah so and i want to build i'm building a property portfolio i buy and sell no don't sell sorry i buy properties and i rent them out um but i buy them off plan at the minute but my um plan is to buy them and either build them from scratch or buy derelict ones and build them up and yeah i keep busy doing that and hopefully build a business that my daughter can then be involved in when she's older i just want to make my daughter financially secure and i know she might grow up and not care about money but money does make the world go around and money doesn't buy happiness but it buys freedom for sure yeah of course when we need it to survive it's an energy currency yeah it's how we like i say you've got the business mindset you're not daft you're learning you're grown where it's a case of you still might be having all the property in all time all your own properties but you still might only fans because it gives you a sense of an escape absolutely yeah and that's the scary thing but you doesn't matter how much money you make how many properties you have it's to jump off that ferris wheel and make the changes that's why people struggle to change because they're so caught up in that lifestyle so people are in abusive relationships they can't leave because they're used to it that's exactly it when you're used to being like traumatized by someone you kind of feel although you know you're getting treated badly you kind of feel comfortable in that because it's what you're used to yeah scary i've been in that yeah i say you've been doing that since you were a kid a band of issues billion being fucking groped stripping only fans on tvs tattoos all you just a constant we're never feeling good enough but i'll come a stage when you go do you know what i'm going to really fucking work at this because you're not daft you know deep inside you see you get emotional when you talk about your daughter yeah so it's clearly you know the answers it's just hard to actually follow through with them because we're so used to that yeah that lifestyle if i could jump off only fans and jump into something else and make the same amount of money i would do it with that question but you could and the thing is remember it's not all about the money but we crave it so much because we feel as if that's what makes us better but it is about the money because of my lifestyle but you're probably happier when you were skinned at times as well oh yeah i was well happier when i was skinned but i didn't have a child to people though yeah it is an excuse thing though definitely like you know it's it's really tough when you actually like think about it and go deep into your brain about it because i do hate it and i don't want my daughter to say it but yeah i'm still doing it that's just me i used to say i'm coming off the weed and then before you know ten o'clock came i was smoking a joint before bed so and you just feel like a fucking waster no matter what it is it's always an addiction addiction to pain addiction to misery i don't know what the fuck it is i genuinely don't have the answers to it yeah i can only speak from my own life experiences and i don't have you enough people to realize nobody knows what the fuck is everything yeah coke eckeys volume it was kind of balanced it all out so coke was more at the weekends and then it was about a gamble to everything so i was gambling every day the coke was to give me the confidence as if i'm about to get in the world yeah Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday it was in a smoking joint so then it was a couple of volume just the balance to pain and it was straight back on the hustle again it's just just do you think you're affected now mentally i think it has scars yeah because i'm all over the graph sometimes people say you're doing well and you're smashing it and i'll say this all the time but i genuinely walk away and think full due you can't because they just don't know i had a much better time when i was getting fucked then it's easier yeah it's easier being a loser it's easier being a waster it's easier doing that stuff because you've no responsibilities when you become clearer and the mind becomes clearer the responsibilities become even a greater responsibility because you know there's pressure of your kids looking up to you for support not just mentally physically spiritually financially there's just so many different things that we need to but that's a good thing because the kids are a future i'm just i'm just worried because i think the fucking place is a mess what's going to talk to schools and everything just seems backwards i don't know what we can do about it though exactly for anybody watching gem and it's maybe going through a life or struggle you've been there yourself still fucking struggling not you've got through it listen you're making money and you're doing what you can but the tools that you've got to succeed but for anybody that's in this struggle and now what advice would you have for them in terms of drugs anything just struggling i mean appearance just drugs whatever it's hard because although my struggles have changed and the way i handle it has changed i'm still in it myself so i guess the best advice i can give someone is to never give up um surround yourself with people only people that you fully trust that make you happy don't trust new people and you just got to keep going i mean that's that's the best advice i can give because that's what i'm doing i'm not i'm not fixed from what i've been through i'm just dealing with it different by burying my head into making money um doing my only fans but it's just my addiction's changed do you know what i mean um and i get addicted to men like so if i'm seeing someone that's like my main obsession yeah i get really addicted to them and in a good way as well as can be a bit toxic um i used to be worse at that though and i used to put up with shit that i don't put up with anymore but if it's a drugs thing i think you just it's a time thing some people never see the light at the end how much gear were you taking i was sniffing a lot of gear i would i would sniff from friday till monday no sleep yeah but i think that's just an actual for anybody that's kind of fucked up in the head yeah and i used to love it because i would be on gear with other people on gear and you're yeah and you love each other yeah because you've lost souls just talking pure shit and i do crazy things i used to think i was so funny and wild and i ended up sniffing fucking pro not pro plus what's it called pre-workout once so we run out of gear and we're just sniffing these huge lines of this pink powder and it was just fun and wasn't getting fucked off it but yeah and i have memories when i look back and i think i actually had fun when i was doing that but what i was doing is fucked up yeah you know so yeah i was sniffing loads for days um coming down like you said valium zanex all of that um the surula coaster of emotions and i've never laughed as much as i did in my 20s when that's when i was a most lost i don't know if that's the acting of a clown but yeah i genuinely laughed because it was fucked up because you just didn't give a fuck as well it was so fucked up so deranged it's dysfunctional the shit that we used to do and sitting but i never left i mean i used to get upset when people are leaving the band they weren't used to kicking i never left this is what i said the other day and i used to get sad and then i just wanted the first day to come again on friday i used to love people in my house so they couldn't leave nothing psychotic yeah i literally was saying this the other day because i was the worst one on the sesh because i would literally not let anyone leave and i would if someone was like i'm going home to bed i'm like no you can't leave and i was always i was always i wouldn't just crunch jaws all over the place i was always in control i'd put the lines out i'd have the music on and fucking up and down yeah everywhere so but my engine would go so long me too and then i would fucking crash everybody would leave people would leave at six in the morning first night i was three nights deep yeah and i was still fucking at my tits i know so it's it's it is scary but hopefully i have learned i don't think i've got another recovery in me if i did go back i hope to touch with i don't go back but i don't think because i've it's too it's too painful yeah it's too hard feeling like i fail you're in a loser would just be too much yeah and then i feel as if everything i try and promote would just be a fraud because i already feel like a fraud anyway so do i yeah so it's it's fucked up but how do you feel just kind of going over your story today i feel good i feel like it's good to kind of get my story out there a little bit because i think that a lot of people think i'm just this crazy drunk girl on the telly but actually i've been through so much and there's a reason for all of my madness yeah um and i hope people can see that i'm actually just trying to i'm trying to be a good mom a lot of people will say that i shouldn't do this i shouldn't do that but we're all trying no one's there's no like written handbook of how you shouldn't shouldn't be a parent and every parent every child's different so it's not just because you're doing only fans it doesn't mean your daughter's going to be bad no usually the parents had a bit of money and literally it turned out so it does not mean fuck all no but again people will judge it and you can understand why they'll judge it you know why you judge yourself so i do exactly but nobody's got any right place to have their opinions on anybody else's life because nobody's got a hundred percent figured out i just hope you have the best future i genuinely hope you get all your dreams and hopefully our demons do surpass yeah i don't think that i think we just learned to dance with the fuckers in it that's what i mean you know what i mean but what about fairy pain stuff are you done with that are you gonna dip your toe back into it no i still i always i still have it every week my therapy can be damaging though just can over the same shit um or you just do that because you've not got anybody to talk to i was just gonna say like my therapist she's got a very sort of motherly energy loving babe yeah so i just like to talk to her i don't even know if she knows that i feel like this but i just like to talk to her because i don't really talk to her about all what i've told you about today of course i have done but when i see her every week it's usually what's happened in the week if something's happened or i feel shit about something i'll tell her like as we go along like i would a friend and i really like her so i'm gonna continue doing that i was having a bit of hypnotherapy um i kind of stopped doing that because i've got real bad anxiety about traveling because of what happened to me in the airport so some years it's worse than others like i've definitely traveled since it happened but especially since i've had my daughter i just get this vision that i'm gonna get ripped away from her soon as i get off a plane and this happened to me 20 years ago and i still to this day feel like i'm gonna get ripped away from her um so i want to have therapy to fix that but i've had so much therapy to fix it and it doesn't go anywhere it's stuck in me yeah it's just all programming i mean it's a mad power it's a powerful fucking thing yeah and it's difficult to break away the chain and break the connection and try and rewire the brain but if it's there it's just a case of loving it and trying to push him through absolutely yeah it's for cool what we can do but would you like to finish up on anything no i'm good thank you so much for having me today listen thanks for coming on i've thoroughly enjoyed that but like i said shows a different side of you and i genuinely believe you are a good soul yeah you're lost like most of us i'm not here to judge her but i'm just as fucked up as you are so i'm to be just together but i genuinely wish you all the best for future for people's maybe want to subscribe to your only fans social media is what's all the links they can go to okay so my only fans is at geminicbip says onlyfans.com at gemini at forward slash geminicbip my instagram has just got took but i'm hopefully getting it back it's at geminic underscore official but if it doesn't come back my new one is at geminic new underscore new listen for coming on the day very brave for telling your story and i wish you nothing but the best for the future god bless you sending love thank you