 The Abbot and Costello program starring but Abbot and Luke Costello, but tonight's guest star Elsa Maxwell, brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier properly aides tobaccos. The Abbot and Costello program with the music of Alan Roth and his orchestra, a singing star Amy Arnell, and spotlighting that chubby chubby little cherub, who went caught putting a toothbrush in his Uncle Artie Stevan's lunch pail, because he heard him say he was going to work on George Worsten's bridge, calmly said. On our second week in New York and you show up late for the broadcast. Now look, where have you been? Huh? Where have you been? Oh, I've been over at Paterson Abbot. Now that's ridiculous. Eight hours? And how could it take eight hours to come from Paterson here on a greyhound? Well, my greyhound got interested in another greyhound. Ah, yeah. Lou, are you paying any attention to me? Ah, pay the slills again, old boy. Well, that's a pleasure, please. You realize you were invited to a big party at Elsa Maxwell's house tonight? Yeah. Why aren't you wearing your tuxedo? It's ruined. I was wearing my tuxedo last night and the dog bit me. Where did you bite you? Well, if I was wearing license plates, you would have got the last three numbers. All right. All right, Bluff. Put your please dog sense. Are you taking your girl, uh, lean against the- No, no, no. We ain't speaking. Well, now, what's the matter with you and lean again? Well, yesterday she bought some brand new shower curtains and she asked me to hang them up on-to hang them up. And by mistake, I hung them over the front door. Well, that's not so terrible. Oh, no. Last night when she went to take a shower, she slipped off her bathrobe, pushed aside the curtains, and stepped out on the front porch. All right. Tell me, Godzilla, were you born- What if it was? Wait a minute, I want to ask you- What if it means? I know that. Listen, I want to ask you one little simple question. Were you born-were you born dopey? I could say not. I'm a self-made dopey. All right, so now- Hold up. Hey, now, wait a minute while I think of it, Lou. I'll bet you didn't even get any flowers for Elsa Maxwell. Yes, I did. I bought her a great big orchid for her hair. An orchid? An orchid for her hair. You dummy. For $30 a piece, you could have bought a pair of pants for that. Now, wouldn't she look awful silly wearing a pair of pants and a hand? No. Please, stop. I'll take the freers in the pocket. And, uh, never mind the orchid. Why didn't you get her a corsage? A what? A corsage. I don't know her size. No, no, no. Now, you dummy, I- I'm- I'm- You don't seem to understand, though. I mean some flowers to wear on her dress, you know. Oh, yeah. I bought her a bucket of chameleons. A bucket? A bucket of chameleons? You mean a bouquet, not a bucket. B-O-U-Q-bucket. B-O-Q-bucket? All right. All right, so- What is it? Bucket or bouquet? Bouquet. But if it'll make you happy, make it a bucket. All right. I bought her a bucket of chameleons, and do they smell beautiful? You- Why, you idiot? Chameleons have no odor? Well, these do. The bucket I brought them over in had fish in it. I- I- I- I hope you don't make a fool of me at Elsa Maxwell's party tonight. You know, there's- There's going to be dancing, you know. Oh, dancing? Well, I love dancing. I- I used to be a lifeguard at the Rosalind Dancehall. A- A lifeguard at the Dancehall? Yeah, I kept the wolves. I'm getting too close to the waves. Well, look. What kind of dancing do you do? Oh, I mean, I do the shimmy. The shimmy. The shimmy is a back number. Oh, I can start mine from any place. Oh. All dogs say it's Castella. Do you- Do you conga? Huh? Conga. Were you ever in a conga line? Ha-ha. I tried to get in a conga line once, but I must have gotten the wrong line. Now, what do you mean by that? I never got to dance. But I came back with an arm load of paper towels. I- Look, I- I can tell that you know absolutely nothing about modern dancing. Who don't? You don't. I come from a family of dancers. My Aunt Minnie. She was a famous balloon dancer on the stage. Who tell? One night a mouse went across the stage, and then Minnie screamed and dropped her balloon. Yeah, what happened? The mouse fainted. The mouse? Oh, look, I- I'm not going to take any chances. Now, before we go to Elsa Maxwell's party tonight, I'm going to see if you really know how to dance. In other words, I'll give you a lesson. Oh, you don't have to give me any lessons. I took lessons from Martha Murray. There's only one thing wrong. He taught me the woman's steps. So what's wrong with that? I'm the only wallflower in the history of dancing that uses the men's smoking room. Yeah, look, look, never mind that. I'm going to teach you how to dance right now. Right here. Right here? Yeah, right here. I'm a beautiful society girl. Now, this is my first party, incidentally. I'm coming out tonight. You're the kind that ought to be pushed back in. Cut that out. I'm a beautiful girl. What's your name? What's the difference? Let's say my name is Laura Doome. Your name is what? Let's say Laura Doome. Oh, I know your sister. Nothing, Doome. No, I never- Do you please stay and dance? Wait a minute. Listen to me please. Now, here I stand. Here I stand already to dance. Now, I'm dressed in a strapless evening gown and you asked me to dance. No, I can't dance with a girl with a bare back. Why not? Why, it always makes me feel like I'm patting a bald man in the head. Never mind that. Now, let's dance. Now, here we go. Come on out. Now, slide, glide, slide, glide. Mike, that's wonderful. I like the way you dip. Who's dipping? My pants are full of it. Oh, isn't this lovely? We're dancing past the orchestra. What's the matter? I dance too close to the trombone player. Ophthalmologists, cardiologists, gastroenterologists, otolaryngologists. No folks, I'm not practicing tongue twisters. Just listing different kinds of doctors covered in the Great Cigarette Survey recently made by three leading independent research organizations. Yes, they covered doctors in every branch of medicine. 113,597 doctors. From Mexico to Canada, from the Atlantic to the Pacific. Doctors in every state of the Union were asked, what cigarette do you smoke, doctor? And the brand most named was camels. Rich, full-flavored camels, the cigarette of costlier tobaccos, superbly blended camels, the cigarette with the cool, throat-welcome mildness. Sure, doctors like all you folks smoke for pleasure. Camels' flavor and mildness register with their tastes and throats, just as with yours. Now, this impartial factual evidence shows that... According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Alan Roth and the Camel Orchestra feature the popular rhythm-favorite doctor, lawyer, Indian chief. Mrs. Niles, what are you doing in New York? Oh, I just flew in from Hollywood. I wish you had been there. Then they could have rolled out the blame. I'm dead tired from my plane trip. I'm bushed. Bushed? You look more like something that's been treed. And already I've been taken for Lana Turner and Rita Hayworth. You've also been taken for $200. Mrs. Niles alone. Yes, you little pipsqueak. Another studio kitten caboodle. Mrs. Niles, you may kick my kit. Mrs. Niles, will you go with Costella to Elsa Maxwell's party tonight? Why, I wouldn't be seen with this uncouth, fat little assassin. I said that, Mrs. Niles. We could be very dear friends if you would have faith in me. Have faith in you? Everybody has faith in me. Even my dog has faith in me. Oh, dog-faith Costella way. Mrs. Niles, why don't you go with Costella? Oh, very well. I'll go with Costella in one condition. I insist that he drive me to the party. All right, I'll drive you to the party, but you have to bring your own harness. Well, Costella, at least I tried to get you a woman to take to the party, didn't I? Try to get me a what? A woman. You want a bet? Come in. Ah, good evening, gentlemen. Costella, Costella would say, Professor Mellonhead, well, what are you doing here? I'll tell you what I'm doing here, Abbott. I just read in this newspaper here that Costella was going to Elsa Maxwell's house party. It's an outrage. I will not tolerate it, after all. I have jurisdiction over this. I happen to be Miss Maxwell's right-hand man. I'm her major domo. You look like her shiny domo. There you go, Costella, making remarks about my bald head again. I am proud of my bald head. My head looks like a baby's. Like a baby cereal bowl with shredded wheat around the egg. Mellonhead, why do you object to Costella going to Elsa Maxwell's party? Why, if Costella were to appear to Miss Maxwell's party to be a catastrophe, it would be... A cat for the spree? No, no, no, no. A catastrophe. I'll explain a catastrophe. Costella, suppose your cat had kittens in your hat. What would that be? A miracle. My cat's name is Jake. Don't worry about Costella at the party. Please, I'll take care of them. All right, Abbott. I warn you, Costello. Don't partake of any edibles or vions until the butler announces dinner. Well, who? The butler, the butler. Look, I'll explain the butler. At your house. How do you know when it's time to eat? Well, my mother takes the iron bars off the dining room door. She ain't going to do the cooking tonight at Elsa Maxwell's. She makes the world's worst pancakes. I never mind about... Wait a minute, wait a minute. I don't want you to make any more remarks about my wife's pancakes. What? In fact, Costello, the next time you mention the word pancakes, I'm going to take this newspaper and hit you over the head with it. You mean every time I mention the word pancakes? Weird! I certainly don't like your wife's stuff anyway. What? You don't like what stuff? I don't like that. The word, do you want me to say it? What word? What word? When they hit me on the head, if I say it. What word? Pancakes? Something you're not supposed to say. Well, I won't say that word no more. What words? That pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pe. In fact, you should never eat them again. You pancakes? At the end of the page. Alright. That stuff she makes. Why? You know why? Why? I'm going to tell you why. Why? Because there was a war once. A war? What do you know about the war? Plenty about the war and it's got something to do with what you were talking about when you're hitting me on the head. Is that so? Yes. This war, I was going over. I had it go. And down I was going to fight I was gonna fight for our country over there, and I was right where the bullets were the bullets were the thickest Where was that underneath the ammunition truck? Be serious finally I come up out of there and there was a bullet Coming right at me a bullet coming at you and it hit me a bullet hit you right in the heart right in the heart And before I left home my father gave me a good book Yes, and he told me to pull up by my heart the good book and you know I saved me from being killed a good book Of course. Oh, no one of your wife's pancakes It's an amazing instrument intricate sensitive a miracle of chemistry physics and all the assorted sciences and you own it It's your own t-zone. That's tea for taste and tea for throat And it's also the greatest cigarette testing machine in the world the most critical laboratory for any cigarette So just try camels on your t-zone See how your taste responds to the rich full flavor of camels superbly blended and costlier tobaccos See how your throat reacts to camels cool mildness Perhaps as with millions of other smokers your t-zone, too will report that camels suit you to a tea Oh and another thing did you know that when three leading independent research organizations put the question? What cigarette do you smoke the one hundred and thirteen thousand five hundred and ninety seven doctors all over America the brand Most named was camels. Yes, that's so according to a recent nationwide survey or doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette The girl with personality The madam has a cute Personality and think of all the books about the berries look was it made her the toast of Perry He had a well-developed Personality what did Romeo see in Juliet? Oh Jupiter and when so lonely dance and have the boy easy to see That she knew how to you what did Harry Jay see in Betty G or Garcin G in Gable C or Bing and Bob in Dot Lamore To you. I've got the grave. Oh great. I've got a great face except. I've had it much longer than G if I only had her Personality personality, this is some party Costello. What a crowd. Hey, hello boys Costello. It's Elsa Maxwell Do you realize that this is the one and only Elsa Maxwell? Yes, here I am in the flesh Who's is it? You better give it back. You're scratching it all out of shape Don't you talk to me that way you baby bunion baby bunion. Yes, you're a little corny Don't mind him Elsa. Is there anything we can do to help entertain your guests tonight? Yes I'd like to have you boys put on a play. I have a wonderful vehicle for you. Mr. Abbott And what about a vehicle for me a vehicle for you, Castello? How about a garbage truck? Hey, you know why but this thing's got better jokes than I got Have you something in mind first? I know you have produced some big Broadway shows and oh, yes But I've been on the stage, you know, I've also appeared in a few Western pictures In fact, I played a regular Western girl. I shot from the hip From the way out there Shut up and listen to Elsa. Oh, that's all right, but I think Castello's only pulling my leg pulling it. I couldn't even lift it You know boys, you know, I've written a little sketch that we can do tonight. It's called Anthony and clear Patra It's a lovely play Costello. You will be Anthony and I will be clear Patra as iron of the Nile You sound more like a fog on on the Hudson If you don't understand castella Elsa will be clear Patra the most enchanting lady on the Nile Yes, Costello in this play I am the sorceress sorceress. You're a whole set of dishes Lovely play Costello. I fall madly in love with you. I get you in my cutches Yes, but you break away. Yes again. I get you in my cutches. Yes, and again you break away Looks like my breaks are okay, but my clutch is slipping Let's get on with the play Mellonhead will you set the scene? Okay Abbott and now ladies and gentlemen We bring you a drama of Anthony and Cleopatra Starring Elsa Maxwell, but Abbott and Lou Costello entitled how the terrible snake killed Cleopatra or Costello makes an ass for himself He opens Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony are walking along the banks of the Nile Julius Caesar speak Ha and funny isn't this a wonderful country? Yes, Julius There is no country in the world as beautiful as egg white egg white. Wait a minute Costello Where do you see egg wiped on the script right here in the script? What do you mean white egg white? Egy pt. I don't know that's Egypt you read the straight lines kid. I'll get the land. Yeah, quite Ah Anthony we are approaching Cleopatra's camp. Oh, who goes there God tell Cleopatra that Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony are here Which one is Anthony? I am Mr. Anthony, I have a problem I've been going with a girl for eight years and You got the wrong program Play about Sahara. That's my girl's name Oh Look this Cleopatra's scowling at anchor. Let's get aboard. Okay. Oh get off me you fool Come on Costello. Let's get on with the play. You come here You come here is Mark Anthony the great lover take Elsa Maxwell in your arms and read your line Okay, I'll clear Petra at last we are together my proud beauty Anthony. I am not proud You're no beauty Yes, Anthony put your arms around my waist. I'll have to make free trips there Tell me Anthony. What are you thinking? I'm thinking how wonderful it would be to have this much butter You shouldn't talk Why don't you take that flower out of your lapel and wear it in your vest? Why should I wear my flower in my vest be nearer the pot? Come you two you're supposed to be in love. Yes, Anthony Remember that old adage all the world loves a lover. Oh, yeah, the weather to have cops a simple part But mark my sweet this night was made for love. There are lovers everywhere. Listen to that couple on yonder bench I'm getting on the board. You're not gonna treat me like your first six husbands Mark Anthony sit beside me on the throne and I will stretch one of my slave girls to detain you Enter slave Yes, that'll me kindly attend to the wishes of our guests. Oh mark Anthony. I am here to serve you What can I do for you? Come here and kiss your poor old father Mark Anthony the queen will be jealous. Oh kind sir. Is there anything I can bring you you already brought it babe Come on here and kiss your poor old father Stella will you leave that girl alone? Yes mark Anthony. This is an insult You are making love to this slave while I am here. Oh, what's the local when you can catch an express? Out of here away. I clear Patrick will dance for Mark Anthony. I will do my famous Fan dance you do a fan dance. Yes, what are you's when milk? Let Miss Maxwell do her fan dance. Will you please? I'd rather see you do a hula dance. Oh You think I could do a hula. Oh, you can do a hula certainly all you do is walk out on the floor fast Stop quick and let nature take its course That's all you think of the play now now comes the big love scene as the barge floats down the river Nile under the Egyptian moonlight Miss Maxwell is sitting on your lap. Oh goody goody Well costello here. I am on your lap costello speak to me. Where are you? I'm this grease spot on the chair Now is the slave girl's sprinkle roses around your feet you take miss Maxwell in your arms Mind you in your arms and you kiss her. I can't do that. I bet miss Maxwell and I we can be nothing but friends Oh, please please costello. Don't say that. Call me anything, but just a friend. I'm afraid. I can't Here I'll put my arms around you now. Am I just a friend? Yes, you're just a friend. I'll put my cheek against you Now what do you want to call me? You're just a friend Then I will kiss you Now am I just a friend? I won't tell you till you let me up That kiss I can't call your friend not after a kiss like that. Then what will you call me grandma? Costello will be back for camel cigarettes in just a moment And now tonight salute to the men on the armed forces who won through to victory Tonight we hail the 99th division heroes of the romagen bridgehead Since the beginning of the war the makers of camels have sent more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas But now with the mobilization in progress free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead This week the camels go to veterans hospital Mary in Illinois US Army Cushing General Hospital Framingham, Massachusetts National Naval Medical Center Bethesda, Maryland US Marine Hospital Savannah, Georgia and veterans hospital Northport Long Island, New York in your honor men of the 99th division I'll go out to the United States twice a week a Re-broadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America And now here are but avid and Luke Costello over the final word. Well Costello This is our last night in good old New York City. Yes avid, but this is not our last broadcast In fact, we're gonna do four more broadcasts from Hollywood Why don't you go out and take a long walk on a short pier old boy? Oh get this corny guy with that broken down joke What's the matter with that joke? That was one of my father's jokes. What are you? To you by camel cigarettes and remember try camels in your T zone See if they don't suit your taste your throat to a T See If you smoke a pipe It'll really be a red-letter day when you switch to that big red tin Prince Albert Yes more pipe smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco in the world It's crimped cut to burn cool and it gets a special No buy treatment that takes out all the parts and sting that leaves in all the rich mellow wonderful flavor So switch to Prince Albert today Saturday night be sure to listen to Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry You'll hear Red Foley Grand Ole Opry's sensational new romantic singer. Remember Grand Ole Opry Saturday night on NBC with Red Foley Perhaps you've seen pitiful pictures of starving people in your newspaper recently these scenes are being repeated over and over throughout Europe and Asia Many of these people especially the children will die without our help You can't help by avoiding all food waste by preserving food through home gardening and canning And by giving canned food and money to your local emergency food collection share a meal save a life Be sure to listen at this very same time next week for the Aberdeen Costello show for camel cigarettes Which will come to you from Hollywood Thursday night is all star night on NBC Stay around now for Rudy Valley over most of these stations. This is Bert Parks in New York wishing you all a pleasant good night for camel NBC