 Welcome to Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes. This podcast was created to provide you the information and tools Doc Snipes gives her clients so that you too can start living happier. Our website, docsknipes.com, has even more resources, videos, and handouts, and even interactive sessions with Doc Snipes to help you apply what you learn. Go to docsknipes.com to learn more. I'd like to welcome everybody to today's presentation of Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes, Practical Tools to Improve Your Mood and Quality of Life. Today we're going to be talking about self-esteem. And over the course of each segment, we're going to go over several things. We'll start by talking about the nature of self-esteem and why it's important to improve it. We'll identify and disarm the internal critic. We'll help you create an accurate self-assessment. Then we'll move on to identifying things that hinder self-esteem, like cognitive distortions. I will give you some tips on developing compassion, not only for yourself, but for others. Ways to shake the shoulds and handle mistakes. Ways to respond to criticism so you don't impair your self-esteem. How to set goals, define your core beliefs, and just generally how self-esteem should have been built in children and how you can build it in the children around you, as well as in yourself. So the nature of self-esteem, what is it? Self-esteem is basically how you feel about yourself in contrast to who you think you should be. The word should is going to come up a lot today. So just kind of prepare for that. Should is one of those words that generally causes us extra stress. We should do something. Well, if we change our verbiage, instead of saying we should do it, we will do it or we won't. There's no should out there kind of should extra stress weighing on you. You're going to make a decision whether you're going to do it or you're not. Self-esteem is formed and altered in each interaction. Notice I say in each interaction, present tense. Your self-esteem can be and is modified on a daily basis. Now sometimes it's bolstered, and we're going to hope that it's bolstered most of the time, but you can also take a hit to your self-esteem. Certain major problems in your life could cause a major hit to your self-esteem. So it's important to understand that self-esteem, A, isn't something you're born with and B, isn't something that's static. Once you get it, you always have it. So it's important to work on your self-esteem every day. So self-esteem is altered based on cognitive interpretation. So when something happens, how do you interpret it? Do you interpret it as the end of the world? Do you interpret it as something very personal to you that it's all your fault that this happened? In what way do you look at this event? Do you look at failure, for example, as a learning experience or as a sign that you're weak and stupid and deserve rejection? The next thing that impacts self-esteem is what I call cognitive availability. That's what's memorable. We do things every day. I can tell you probably, if I thought real hard about it, three or four kind of bonehead things I did this morning, just because I wasn't paying attention. Now I don't remember those because I don't give those any, I don't pay them any mind. It wasn't memorable to me. It wasn't reinforced or punished in some way, it just, it was. For example, I got up this morning and went upstairs, but forgot to let the dogs out first, so then I had to go back downstairs, let the dogs out, and then come back up the stairs again. I really don't like walking up and down the stairs multiple times in the morning before my first cup of coffee. That was one of those things that if I would have thought it through, probably would have done differently, but it doesn't really make a big difference in my self-esteem because I let it go. I'm just like, whatever, wasn't thinking. When you're a child, you know, some things are more memorable than others. When you get shamed for something, when you get scolded, when you get a spanking, when you get, you know, put in time out for a really long time, that's probably going to be a lot more memorable than times when your parent just looked at you with a evil look on their face and they said, don't do that again. And you were like, yeah, ma, okay, whatever, and went on. So the availability of it will impact your self-esteem. So if it was something that was really meaningful, you know, good or bad, that's probably going to stick with you more. And if a parent is punishing you, especially as a child that thinks in all or none terms, then you might take that as a punishment of you as an individual, meaning that you're bad for some reason. The other fault that we have or problem that we have is when children don't get enough reward, because remember the things that impact our self-esteem are those things that are memorable. So if every good thing that a child does is taken for granted, then they don't get any of those kudos to balance out the punishments. So all they remember is their parent constantly harping on them about you made a mistake about this, you did that wrong, you did that wrong. And there was no hugs and congratulations that they can really remember. We're going to talk more about these in later sections. A third thing that impacts self-esteem is attributions. And I talk about these a lot because they're so important. Especially global negative attributions will have a significant negative impact on self-esteem. Global means it's about you. I am stupid. I am lazy. I am whatever you want to fill in after that. That's a global interpretation. That means all the time in any circumstance, and it's probably not changeable, you are this negative characteristic. Now, we don't want our kids carrying around that stuff. We don't want our kids telling themselves all the time, I am a lazy, good for nothing person. So why do we tell ourselves that? But anyway, when children are growing up, they don't know how to differentiate between being punished for a behavior versus being punished for being, quote, bad. And it's up to us as parents to separate that for them and make sure they understand that they're loved for who they are. You just disapprove of whatever the behavior was. It's important that you do the same thing for yourself today. If you were raised in an environment, which most of us were because, you know, parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual. If you were raised in an environment where there was a lot of punishment and you were told you were bad, you did the wrong thing, you are and it was always followed by something negative, then you may have internalized that and you may tell yourself that a lot, which results in a negative internal critic. And we're going to talk about him in a little while and conditions of worth. So you take all this and kind of lump it together and we put it in conditions of worth, which means you got the message when you were growing up somehow, somewhere that you were only lovable if you followed the rules. If you were quiet in the house when dad wanted it to be quiet. If you did X, Y and Z. Then you were lovable, but if you didn't follow all of the rules, then there was going to be hell to pay. And again, parents may not have been trying to say that you weren't lovable, but they were focusing on the behaviors and they wanted you to behave in a certain way to help you, you know, grow up and be a responsible human being, but they forgot the part about loving the person and making sure that the child understood that they were loved despite making some behavioral mistakes. So when all of that happens, we tend to carry that as we grow up. And this is how we talk to ourself now in our own head. The more rejecting we are of ourselves, the more distress we experience. If you're constantly telling yourself, you're stupid, you're unworthy of love, you're unworthy of a promotion, you're unworthy of, you know, just keep going. You're probably going to experience more distress because not only are other people potentially rejecting you, but you're rejecting yourself in your own head on a daily basis. So when that happens, you know, you feel awful, you feel unlovable. What's the survival reaction? The survival reaction may be to go out and seek external validation. Find somebody, anybody who will tell you, you're okay. A lot of times that leads to really unhealthy relationships because you cling on to somebody, anybody, because you need someone to tell you you're worthy of breathing the air, somebody to tell you you're lovable because you don't believe it about yourself. In order to develop healthy relationships, you need to feel good about yourself. You need to be able to ask for what you need and set boundaries and be able to bring to the table, if you will, a very positive package. You know, if you bring something to a pawn shop, if you will, and you put it on the counter and you start telling the pawn shop owner all the awful things about it and how it's probably not worth much, he's probably not going to give you much for it. Well, if you do the same thing in your relationships, you present yourself as, you know, I'm not real lovable and I don't know why you'd want to hang around me, but, you know, I'm here, that's probably going to create a very different relationship than if you enter a relationship and say, you know what? I'm not perfect, but look at what I have to offer. So why should we improve it? I think you're already kind of getting an idea. People with high self-esteem love themselves and, you know, it's okay to love yourself. That's not being egotistical. That's not being rude. That's looking at yourself and going, you know what? I'm okay. And loving others for who they are, even if they don't like certain behaviors or are not perfect. As you begin to develop self-esteem, you begin to look at yourself and go, you know what? I'm lovable. Yeah, I may have made a mistake. I'm not perfect, goodness knows, but I'm still lovable. The interesting thing is people with low self-esteem are much more able to do this about other people than themselves. They're able to look at other people and go, you know what, she's not perfect, but look at all she brings to the table. And then they look at themselves and they're like, ah, I got nothing. So high self-esteem helps you love yourself and recognize why you are a good person. People with high self-esteem don't have to be in a relationship to prove their worth or constantly have reassurance from others because they can look in the mirror and go, you know what, you deserve better. Or you know what, you deserve that really awesome thing. You don't have to have other people going, it's okay. You can breathe the air today because you know, I think you're decent. They can look in the mirror and get that. They feel secure in relationships and don't fear abandonment for the same reasons. They can look in the mirror and provide self-reinforcement. They love themselves enough to go, you know what, if this relationship is gonna work out, great, but if not, you know, we can move on. People in secure relationships are willing to put forth the work. Don't get me wrong, any relationship is worth work. But they're also able to recognize what's healthy for them. And at a certain point set boundaries and go, you know, this may not be working. And they don't think that every time something happens, their significant other is abandoning them. If you have low self-esteem and that person abandons you, then you're left out there with no one to tell you you're okay. And that's, it's hard to survive that way. If you've got high self-esteem, if you can provide your own self-validation, you know, let them hit the bricks if they want to. People with high self-esteem tend to be in healthier give and take relationships. With low self-esteem, there's so much invested in keeping that person around because you need them for validation. A lot of times the person with low self-esteem gives and gives and gives and gives and doesn't get much back. Healthy relationships, there's a give and take. When one person is in crisis, the other person is there to help them out. But it's like a teeter totter and it kind of goes back and forth. That's healthy, not just one person taking and one person giving. People with high self-esteem are able to set and maintain boundaries. They're able to say, this doesn't work for me. And if it's really important, they're able to maintain that boundary and go, I'm sorry, you don't agree. This may be something we can't compromise on. And they're not afraid of arguments, they're not afraid of criticism. And if for some reason it's something that's, you can't work out, they're not afraid of ending that relationship because of something that is truly valuable and important to them. People with high self-esteem feel more self-aware and confident in their abilities. Cause they've taken a good look inside and they've gone, you know what, I'm lovable. I may have some weaknesses, I may make mistakes, but not only am I lovable. Look at all these skills I bring to the table. Look at all this stuff I bring to the table. I'm pretty awesome in a bag of chips. They're better able to handle failures and rejection. Why? Starting to sound like a broken record here because they realize they're lovable despite the fact that they're not perfect. So when failure comes their way, instead of seeing it as a big hit because they were relying on their success to prove their worth, they look at it as a learning experience and they say, you know what? Gonna have to drop back and try that one again. The same thing is true about rejection. And I don't just mean rejection and relationships. I mean, if you apply for a job and you don't get it or you apply for a certain college and you don't get into it, there are a lot of things that we may want as people and if we don't get them, how do you interpret that? It goes back to that cognitive interpretation. Is it a ding against you as a person? Or is it just one of those things that happens and okay, drop back and figure out what to do next? People with high self-esteem also tend to focus on their strengths and the positives, what they bring to the table, what's worth expending their energy on. They don't get themselves as wrapped up. I'm not saying they don't ever do it, but they don't get as wrapped up in the minutia in the stuff that's not really important, like whether they ran 10 minutes late today or overslept in the morning or things that really in the big scheme of things are relatively inconsequential. They focus on what they bring. Now they're aware of what they need to do to meet other people's needs. You can't be late for work every single day and expect to keep your job. That's common sense, but they're also aware that, if you're late one day out of in five years, the world's probably not gonna end. People with high self-esteem experience fewer stress-related illnesses, anxiety, and depression because they're less stressed. They're not relying on other people. And one of the things that we know we can't control in this world is other people. So if you're relying on them for your happiness, you're really setting yourself up for a stressful lifestyle. Anxiety is that fight-or-flight reaction that's triggered when we fear rejection or isolation or failure, which we've already identified are a lot less consequential for people with high self-esteem because they accept themselves and they can interpret failure as a learning opportunity. They look at the positive and depression. After a while, if you feel hopeless and helpless, if you feel unlovable, yeah, I can see where you'd feel depressed. So if you start addressing all of this and you can look in the mirror and you can go, you know what, I'm okay. You may not think you're a rock star, but even if you can look in the mirror and go, I'm okay, that is a starting point. If you can look in the mirror and say, I deserve and have a few things that you know because you're a good person, you deserve to be loved. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to, you know, you can fill in some of those things. That's what's important and that's what's gonna help buffer you against stress-related illnesses. We know that relationships can be a big stressor, but good, healthy relationships are one of our greatest buffers against stress. Well, how about having your first, strongest, bestest relationship be with yourself? How would that help buffer you against stress? What would you tell yourself when something bad happened that could help you feel better? And, you know, you may be thinking, well, I don't know. So I would ask you, what would you tell your best friend? Or what would you want your best friend to tell you? Okay, well, that's what you're gonna say to yourself. You are gonna be your own best friend. You are going to be the person that's kind of got your own back. So self-esteem develops. You are not born with it. There are many benefits to self-esteem including improved mood, relationships, and health for yourself. And to serve as a model for others. How awesome is it if the people who are around you see your high self-esteem and they learn from it? They're like, you know what? I wanna be like her. I don't wanna feel like my moods depend on the way the wind's blowing on a current day. I wanna be able to feel good about myself. Low self-esteem develops as a result of many factors. Developing higher self-esteem means addressing each of these factors one at a time. You know, it took you however old you are, you know, 30 some odd years to get to this point. It's not gonna happen overnight. But if you start looking at what's causing the low self-esteem and we're gonna talk about in the next section, stop being such a bully to yourself, you're gonna start feeling better. So in conclusion, I would ask you to make a list of all of the reasons you want to improve your self-esteem. How could an improved self-esteem help you work on your journey towards happiness? If you like our podcast, you can subscribe on your favorite podcast app, join our Facebook group at docsknives.com slash Facebook or join our community at docsknives.com.