 chapters 26 to 31 of Tristram Shandy Volume 4. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Giesen The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy Gentlemen Volume 4. Last Volume by Laurence Stern Chapter 26 It is with love as with cuckoldom. But now I am talking of beginning a book and have long had a thing upon my mind to be imparted to the reader, which, if not imparted now, can never be imparted to him as long as I live. Whereas the comparison may be imparted to him any hour in the day. I'll just mention it and begin in good earnest. The thing is this, that of all the several ways of beginning a book which are now in practice throughout the known world, I am confident my own way of doing it is the best. I'm sure it is the most religious, for I begin with writing the first sentence and trusting to Almighty God for the second. To cure an author forever of the fuss and folly of opening his street door and calling in his neighbours and friends and kinsfolk with the devil and all his imps with their hammers and engines, etc. only to observe how one sentence of mine follows another and how the plan follows the whole. I wish you saw me half starting out of my chair with what confidence as I grasp the elbow of it I look up, catching the idea even sometimes before it half way reaches me. I believe in my conscience. I intercept many a thought which heaven intended for another man. Pope and his portrait, Vidae Pope's portrait, are fools to me. No martyr is ever so full of faith or fire. I wish I could say of good works too, but I have no zeal or anger or anger or zeal. And till gods and men agree to gather to call it by the same name, the errantest tattoo in science, in politics or in religion shall never kindle a spark within me, or have a worse word or a more unkind greeting than what he will read in the next chapter. Chapter 27 Bonjour, good morrow. So you have got your cloak on betimes, but it is a cold morning and you judge the matter rightly. It is better to be well-mounted than go afoot and obstructions in the glance are dangerous. And how goes it with thy concubine, thy wife and thy little ones of both sides? And when did you hear from the old gentleman and lady? Your sister, aunt, uncle and cousins, I hope they have got better of their colds, coughs, claps, toothaches, fevers, stranguries, sciaticas, swellings, and sore eyes. What a devil of an apothecary to take so much blood! Give such a vile purge, puke, poultice, plaster, night-draft, clista, clista! And why so many grains of Calomel, Santa Maria and such a dose of opium? Periclitating, pardee! The whole family of ye from head to tail! By my great aunt Diner's old black velvet mask! I think there is no occasion for it. Now this being a little bald about the chin by frequently putting off and on before she was got with child by the coachman, not one of our family would wear it after. To cover the mask afresh was more than the mask was worth, and to wear a mask which was bald, or which could be half seen through, was as bad as having no mask at all. This is the reason, may it please your reverences, that in all our numerous family, for these four generations, we count no more than one Archbishop, a Welsh judge, some three or four alderman, and a single Mountibank. In the sixteenth century we boast of no less than a dozen alchemists. Chapter 28 It is with love as with cuckoldom. The suffering party is at least the third, but generally the last in the house, who knows anything about the matter. This comes as all the world knows from having half a dozen words for one thing. And so long as what in this vessel of the human frame is love, may be hatred in that. Sentiment, half a yard higher, and nonsense. No, madam, not there. I mean at the part I am now pointing to with my forefinger. How can we help ourselves? Of all mortal and immortal men too, if you please, whoever soliloquized upon this mystic subject, my Uncle Toby was the worst fitted to have pushed his researches through such a contention of feelings. And he had infallibly let them all run on, as we do worse matters, to see what they would turn out. Had not Bridget's pre-notification of them to Susanna, and Susanna's repeated manifestos thereupon to all the world, made it necessary for my Uncle Toby to look into the affair. Chapter 29 Why weavers, gardeners and gladiators, or a man with a pined leg proceeding from some ailment in the foot, should ever have had some tender nymph breaking her heart in secret for them, are points well and duly settled and accounted for by ancient and modern physiologists. A water drinker, provided he is a professed one and does it without fraud or coven, is precisely in the same predicament. Not that at first sight there is any consequence or show of logic in it, that a reel of cold water dribbling through my inner parts should light up a torch in my Jenny's... The proposition does not strike one. On the contrary, it seems to run opposite to the natural workings of causes and effects. But it shows the weakness and imbecility of human reason and in perfect good health with it, the most perfect madam that friendship herself could wish me and drink nothing, nothing but water. Impetuous fluid, the moment thou pressest against the floodgates of the brain, see how they give way. In Swim's curiosity, beckoning to her damsels to follow, they dive into the centre of the current. Fancy sits musing upon the bank and with her eyes following the stream turns straws and bulrushes into masts and bowsprits and Desire, with vest held up to the knee in one hand, snatches at them as they swim by her with the other. O ye water-drinkers, is it then by this delusive fountain that ye have so often governed this wild about like a mill-wheel, grinding the faces of the impotent, be powdering their ribs, be peppering their noses and changing sometimes even the very frame and face of nature? If I was you, quoth theoric, I would drink more water, you genius. And if I was you, yoric, replied you genius, so would I. Which shows they had both read Longinus. For my own part I am resolved never to read any book but my own as long as I live. Chapter 30 I wish my Uncle Toby had been a water-drinker, for then the thing had been accounted for. But the first moment Widow-Wadman saw him, she felt something stirring within her in his favour. Something. Something. Something perhaps more than friendship, less than love. Something no matter what, no matter where, I would not give a single hair off my mule's tail and be obliged to pluck it off myself. Indeed the villain has not many to spare and is not a little vicious into the bargain to be let by your worships into the secret. But the truth is my Uncle Toby was not a water-drinker. He drank it neither pure nor mixed, or anyhow, or anywhere, except fortuitously upon some advanced posts where better liquor was not to be had. Or during the time he was under cure when the surgeon telling him it would extend the fibers and bring them sooner into contact. My Uncle Toby drank it for quietness's sake. Now as all the world knows that no effect in nature can be produced without a cause, and as it is as well known that my Uncle Toby was neither a weaver, a gardener, or a gladiator, unless as a captain you will needs have him won. But then he was only a captain of fort. And besides the whole is an equivocation. There is nothing left for us to suppose, but that my Uncle Toby's leg. But that will avail us little in the present hypothesis, unless it had proceeded from some ailment in the fort. Whereas his leg was not emaciated from any disorder in his fort. For my Uncle Toby's leg was not emaciated at all. It was a little stiff and awkward from a total disuse of it for the three years he lay confined at my father's house in town. But it was plump and muscular, and in all other respects as good and promising a leg as the other. I declare I do not recollect any one opinion or passage of my life where my understanding was more at a loss to make ends meet and torture the chapter I had been writing to the service of the chapter following it than in the present case. One would think I took a pleasure into running into difficulties of this kind, merely to make fresh experiments of getting out of them. Inconsiderate soul that thou art. What are not the unavoidable distresses which as an author and a man thou art hemmed in on every side of thee? Are they tristrum, not sufficient, but thou must entangle thyself still more? Is it not enough that thou art in debt and that thou hast ten cartloads of thy fifth and sixth volumes still, still, unsold, and art almost at thy wit's end how to get them off thy hands? To this hour art thou not tormented with the vile asthma that thou gattest in skating against the wind in Flanders? And is it but two months ago that in a fit of laughter on seeing a cardinal make water like a crista with both hands thou breakest a vessel in thy lungs? Whereby in two hours thou lost as many quarts of blood and hadst thou lost as much more did not the faculty tell thee it would have amounted to a gallon? But for heaven's sake let us not talk of quarts or gallons. Let us take the story straight before us. It is so nice and intricate to one. It will scarce bear the transposition of a single tittle. And somehow or other you have got me thrust almost into the middle of it. I beg we may take more care. End of chapter 31 Recording by Martin Geeson in Hazelmere Surrey chapters 32 to 37 of Tristram Shandy Volume 4 This is a LibriVox recording or LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Martin Geeson The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy Gentlemen Volume 4 Last Volume by Laurence Stern Chapter 32 My uncle Toby and the corporal had posted down with so much heat and precipitation to take possession of the spot of ground we have so often spoke of in order to open their campaign as early as the rest of the allies that they had forgot one of the most necessary articles of the whole affair it was neither a pioneer spade a pickaxe or a shovel it was a bed to lie on so that as Shandy Hall was at that time unfurnished and the little inn where poor Lefeva died not yet built my uncle Toby was constrained to accept our bed at Mistress Wadman's for a night or two till corporal trim who to the character of an excellent valet groom, cook, semester surgeon and engineer super added that of an excellent upholsterer too with the help of a carpenter and a couple of tailors constructed one in my uncle Toby's house a daughter of Eve for such was Widow Wadman and is all the character I intend to give off her that she was a perfect woman had better be fifty leagues off or in her warm bed or playing with a case knife or anything you please than make a man the object of her attention when the house and all the furniture is her own there is nothing in it out of doors and in broad daylight where a woman has a power physically speaking of viewing a man in more lights than one but here for her soul she can see him in no light without mixing something of her own goods and chattels along with him till by reiterated acts of such combination he gets foisted into her inventory and then good night but this is not matter of system for I have delivered that above nor is it matter of breathery for I make no man's creed but my own nor matter of fact at least that I know of but is matter copulative and introductory to what follows Chapter 33 I do not speak it with regard to the coarseness or cleanness of them or the strength of their gussets but pray do not night shifts differ from day shifts as much in this particular as in anything else in the world that they so far exceed the others in length that when you are laid down in them they fall almost as much below the feet as the day shifts fall short of them widow Wadman's night shifts as was the mode I suppose in King Williams and Queen Anne's reigns were cut however after this fashion and if the fashion is changed for in Italy they are come to nothing so much the worse for the public they were two Flemish elves and half in length so that allowing a moderate woman two elves she had half an L to spare to do what she would with now from one little indulgence gained after another in the many bleak and dissembly nights of a seven years widowhood things had insensibly come to this pass and for the last two years had got established into one of the ordinances of the bed chamber that as soon as mistress Wadman was put to bed and had got her leg stretched down to the bottom of it of which she always gave Bridget notice Bridget with all suitable decorum having first opened the bed clothes at the feet took hold of the half L of cloth we are speaking of and having gently and with both her hands draw it downwards to its furthest extension and then contracted it again side long by four or five even plaques she took a large corking pin out of her sleeve and with the point directed towards her pinned the plaques all fast together a little above the hem which done she tucked all in tight at the feet and wished her mistress a good night this was constant and without any other variation than this that on shivering and tempestuous nights when Bridget untucked the feet of the bed etc. to do this she consulted no thermometer but that of her own passions and so performed it standing kneeling or squatting according to the different degrees of faith hope and charity she was in and bore towards her mistress that night in every other respect the etiquette was sacred and might have vied with the most mechanical one of the most inflexible bed chamber in Christendom the first night as soon as the corporal had conducted by Uncle Toby upstairs which was about ten Mistress Wadman threw herself into her armchair and crossing her left knee with her right which formed a resting place for her elbow she reclined her cheek upon the palm of her hand and leaning forwards humiliated till midnight upon both sides of the question the second night she went to her bureau and having ordered Bridget to bring her up a couple of fresh candles and leave them upon the table she took out her marriage settlement and read it over with great devotion and the third night it was the last of my Uncle Toby's stay when Bridget had pulled down the night shift and was assaying to stick in the corking pin with a kick of both heels at once but at the same time the most natural kick that could be kicked in her situation for supposing to be the sun in its meridian it was a northeast kick she kicked the pin out of her fingers the etiquette which hung upon it down down it fell to the ground and was shivered into a thousand atoms from all which it was plain that Widow Wadman was in love with my Uncle Toby Chapter 34 my Uncle Toby's head at that time was full of other matters so that it was not till the demolition of Dunkirk when all the other civilities of Europe were settled that he found leisure to return this this made an armistice that is speaking with regard to my Uncle Toby but with respect to Mistress Wadman a vacancy of almost eleven years but in all cases of this nature as it is the second blow happen at what distance of time it will which makes the fray I choose for that reason to call these the amours of my Uncle Toby with Mistress Wadman rather than the amours of Mistress Wadman with my Uncle Toby this is not a distinction without a difference it is not like the affair of an old hat cocked and a cocked old hat about which your reverences have so often been at odds with one another but there is a difference here in the nature of things and let me tell you gentry a wide one too Chapter 35 now as Widow Wadman did love my Uncle Toby and my Uncle Toby did not love Widow Wadman there was nothing for Widow Wadman to do but to go on and love my Uncle Toby or let it alone Widow Wadman would do neither the one or the other Gracious Heaven but I forget I am a little of her temper myself for whenever it so falls out which it sometimes does about the equinoxes that an earthly goddess is so much this and that and tether that I cannot eat my breakfast for her and that she cares not three haypence whether I eat my breakfast or no curse on her and so I sent her to Tartary and from Tartary to Terradelfuogo and so on to the devil in short there is not an infernal niche where I do not take her divinity ship and stick it but as the heart is tender and the passions in these tides ebb and flow ten times in a minute I instantly bring her back again and as I do all things in extremes I place her in the very centre of the milky way brightest of stars thou wilt shed thy influence upon someone the deuce take her and her influence too for at that word I lose all patience much good may it do him by all that is her suit and gashly I cry taking off my third cap and twisting it round my finger I would not give sixpence for a dozen such but is an excellent cap too putting it upon my head and pressing it close to my ears and warm and soft especially if you stroke it the right way but alas that will never be my luck so here my philosophies shipwrecked again no I shall never have a finger in the pie so here I break my metaphor crust and crumb inside and out top and bottom I detest it I hate it I repudiate it I'm sick at the sight of it it is all pepper, garlic, starragon salt and devil's dung by the great arch cook of cocks who does nothing I think from morning to night but sit down by the fireside and invent inflammatory dishes for us I would not touch it for the world oh Tristram, Tristram cried Jenny oh Jenny, Jenny replied I and so went on with the 36th chapter chapter 36 not touch it for the world did I say Lord, how I have heeded my imagination with this metaphor chapter 37 which shows let your reverences and worships say what you will of it for as for thinking all who do think think pretty much alike both upon it and other matters love is certainly at least alphabetically speaking one of the most agitating, bewitching confounded, devilish affairs of life the most extravagant, futilitas gallegaskinish, handi-dandish, irracundulus there is no K to it and lyrical of all human passions at the same time the most misgiving niny hammering, obstipating pragmatical, stridulus, ridiculous though by the by the arch should have gone first but in short it is of such a nature as my father once told my Uncle Toby upon the close of a long dissertation upon the subject you can scarce said he combine two ideas to gather upon it brother Toby without an hypalogy what's that cried my Uncle Toby the cart before the horse replied my father and what is he to do there cried my Uncle Toby nothing close my father but to get in or let it alone now widow Wadman as I told you before would do neither the one or the other she stored however ready, harnessed and comparison at all points to watch accidents End of Chapter 37 Recording by Martin Giesen in Hazelmere Surrey who certainly all foreknew of these amours of widow Wadman and my Uncle Toby have from the first creation of matter and motion and with more courtesy than they usually do things of this kind established such a chain of causes and effects hanging so fast to one another that it was scarce possible for my Uncle Toby to have dwelt in any other house in the world or to have occupied any other garden in Christendom but the very house and garden which joined and laid parallel to Mrs. Wadman's this with the advantage of a thick set arbor in Mrs. Wadman's garden but planted in the hedgerow of my Uncle Toby's put all the occasions into her hands which love militancy wanted she could observe my Uncle Toby's motions and was mistress likewise of his councils of war and as his unsuspecting heart had given leave to the corporal through the mediation of Bridget to make her a wicker gate of communication to enlarge her walks to build her to carry on her approaches to the very door of the sentry box and sometimes out of gratitude to make an attack an endeavor to blow my Uncle Toby up in the very sentry box itself 39 it is a great pity but to certain from everyday's observation of man that he may be sit on fire like a candle at either end provided there is a sufficient wick standing out if there is not there is an end of the affair and if there is by lighting in at the bottom as the flame in that case has the misfortune generally to put out itself there is an end of the affair again for my part could I always have the ordering of it which way I would be burnt myself for I cannot bear the thoughts of being burnt like a beast I would oblige a housewife constantly to light me at the top for then I should burn down decently to the socket that is from my head to my heart from my heart to my liver from my liver to my bowels and so on by the messageric veins and arteries through all the turns and lateral insertions the intestines and their tunicles to the blind gut I beseech you Dr. Slopp quote my Uncle Toby interrupting him as he mentioned the blind gut in a discourse with my father the night my mother was brought to bed of me I beseech you quote my Uncle Toby to tell me which is the blind gut for old as I am I vow I do not know to this day where it lies the blind gut answered Dr. Slopp lies betwixt the alien and the colon and a man said my father it is precisely the same cried Dr. Slopp in a woman that's more than I know quote my father 40 and so to make sure of both systems Mrs. Wadman predetermined to light my Uncle Toby neither at this end or that but like a prodigal's candle to light him if possible at both ends at once now through all the lumber rooms of military furniture including both of horse and foot from the great arsenal of Venice to the tower of London exclusive Mrs. Wadman had been rummaging for seven years together and with Bridget to help her she could not have found anyone blind or mansolid so fit for her purpose as that which the expediency of my Uncle Toby's affairs had fixed up ready to her hands I believe I have not told you but I don't know possibly I have be it as it will it is one of the number of those many things which a man had better do over again than dispute about it that whatever town or fortress the corporal was at work upon during the course of their campaign my Uncle Toby always took care on the inside of his sentry box which was towards his left hand to have a plan of the place fastened up with two or three pins at the top but loose at the bottom for the convenience of holding it up to the eye et cetera as occasions required so that when an attack was resolved upon Mrs. Wadman had nothing more to do when she had got advance to the door of the sentry box but to extend her right hand and edging in her left foot at the same movement to take hold of the map or plan or upright or whatever it was and without stretch neck meeting it half way to advance it towards her on which my Uncle Toby's passions were sure to catch fire for he would instantly take hold of the other corner of the map in his left hand and with the end of his pipe in the other begin an explanation when the attack was advanced to this point the world will naturally enter into the reasons of Mrs. Wadman's next stroke of generalship which was to take my Uncle Toby's tobacco pipe out of his hand as soon as she possibly could which under one pretense or other but generally that of pointing more distinctly at some redoubt or breast work in the map she would effect before my Uncle Toby poor soul had well marched above half a dozen toys with it it obliged my Uncle Toby to make use of his forefinger the difference it made in the attack was this that in going upon it as in the first case with the end of her forefinger against the end of my Uncle Toby's tobacco pipe she might have traveled with it along the lines from Dan to Beersheba had my Uncle Toby's lines reached so far without any effect for as there was no arterial or vital heat in the end of the tobacco pipe it could excite no assentiment it could neither give fire by pulsation or receive it by sympathy it was nothing but smoke whereas in following my Uncle Toby's forefinger with hers closely with all the little turns and indentings of his words pressing sometimes against the side of it then treading upon its nail then tripping it up then touching it here then there and so on it sets something at least in motion this though slight skirmishing and at a distance from the main body yet drew on the rest for here the map usually falling with the back of it close to the side of the sentry box my Uncle Toby and the simplicity of his soul would lay his hand flat upon it in order to go on with his explanation and Mrs. Wadman by a maneuver as quick as thought would certainly place hers close beside it this at once opened a communication large enough for any sentiment to pass or repass which a person skilled in the elementary and practical part of lovemaking has occasion for by bringing up her forefinger parallel as before to my Uncle Toby's it unavoidably brought the thumb into action and the forefinger and thumb being once engaged as naturally brought in the whole hand thawing dear Uncle Toby is never now in its right place Mrs. Wadman had it ever to take up or with the gentlest pushings, protrusions and equivocal compressions that a hand to be removed is capable of receiving to get it pressed a hair breath of one side out of her way whilst this was doing how could she forget to make him sensible that it was her leg and no one else's at the bottom of the sentry box was slightly pressed against the calf of his so that my Uncle Toby being thus attacked and sore pushed on both his wings was it a wonder if now and then it put his center into disorder the deuce take it said my Uncle Toby 41 these attacks of Mrs. Wadman you will readily conceive to be of different kinds varying from each other like the attacks which history is full of and from the same reasons a general looker on would scarce allow them to be attacks at all or if he did would confound them all together but I write not to them it will be time enough to be a little more exact in my descriptions of them as I come up to them which will not be for some chapters having nothing more to add in this but that in a bundle of original papers and drawings which my father took care to roll up by themselves there is a plan of Bouchain and perfect preservation and she'll be kept so whilst I have power to preserve anything upon the lower corner of which on the right hand side there is still remaining the marks of a snuffy finger and thumb which there is all the reason in the world to imagine were Mrs. Wadman's for the opposite side of the margin which I suppose to have been my Uncle Toby's is absolutely clean this seems an authenticated record of one of these attacks for there are vestigia of the two punctures partly grown up but still visible on the opposite corner of the map which are unquestionably the very holes through which it has been pricked up in the sentry box by all that is priestly I value this precious relic with its stigmata and pricks more than all the relics of the Romish church always accepting when I am riding upon these matters the pricks which enter the flesh of Saint Rattagunda in the desert which in your row from Festicluni the nuns of that name will show you for love 42 I think in pleasurer honor quote Trim the fortifications are quite destroyed and the basin is upon the level with the mole I think so too replied my Uncle Toby with the sigh half suppressed but step into the parlour Trim for the stipulation it lies upon the table it has laying there these six weeks replied the corporal till this very morning that the old woman kindled the fire with it then said my Uncle Toby there is no further occasion for our services the moor and pleasurer honor the pity said the corporal and uttering which he cast a spade into the wheelbarrow which was beside him with an air the most expressive of disconciliation that can be imagined and was heavily turning about to look for his pickaxe his pioneer shovel his pickets and other little military stores in order to carry them off the field when a high hoe from the sentry box which being made a thin slit deal reverberated the sound more sorrowfully to his ear forbade him no said the corporal to himself I'll do it before his honor rises tomorrow morning so taking his spade out of the wheelbarrow again with a little earth in it as if to level something at the foot of the glasses but with a real intent to approach nearer to his master in order to divert him he loosened a saw or two paired their edges with his spade and having given them a gentle blow or two with the back of it he sat himself down close by my Uncle Toby's feet and began as follows end of 38 through 42 of Tristram Shandy volume 4 chapter 43 of Tristram Shandy volume 4 this is the LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are on the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org it was a thousand pitties though I believe and please your honor I'm going to say but a foolish kind of thing for a soldier a soldier cried my Uncle Toby interrupting the corporal is no more exempt from saying a foolish thing Trim than a man of letters but not so often in please your honor reply the corporal my Uncle Toby gave a nod it was a thousand pitties then said the corporal casting his eye upon Dunkirk and the Mole as Serbius Serpicius in returning out of Asia when he sailed from Magina towards Magara did upon Corinth and Pyrus it was a thousand pitties and please your honor to destroy these works and a thousand pitties to have let them stood thou art right Trim in both cases said my Uncle Toby this continued the corporal is the reason that from the beginning of their demolition to the inn I have never once whistled or sung or laughed or cried or talked of past undeads or told your honor one story good or bad thou hast many excellencies Trim said my Uncle Toby and I held it not the least of them as thou happiness to be a storyteller that of the number thou hast told me either to amuse me in my painful hours or divert me in my grave ones thou hast seldom told me a bad one because and please your honor accept one of the king of Bohemia in his seven castles they are all true for they are about myself I do not like the subject the worst Trim said my Uncle Toby on that score but Prithee what is the story thou hast excited my curiosity I'll tell it your honor quote the corporal directly provide it said my Uncle Toby looking earnestly towards Dunkirk in the Mole again provided it is not a merry one to such Trim a man should ever bring one half of the entertainment along with him and the disposition I am in at present would wrong both thee Trim and thy story it is not a merry one by any means replied the corporal nor would I have it altogether a grave one added my Uncle Toby it is neither the one nor the other replied the corporal but will suture honor it exactly then I'll thank thee for it with all my heart cried my Uncle Toby so Prithee begin it Trim the corporal made his reverence and though it is not so easy a matter as the world imagines to pull off the length motoro cap with grace or a wit less difficult in my conceptions when a man is sitting squat upon the ground to make a bow so teeming with respect as to corporal was wont yet by suffering the palm of his right hand which was towards his master to slip backwards upon the grass a little beyond his body in order to allow it the greater sweep and by an unforced compression at the same time of his cap with the thumb and the two forefingers of his left by which the diameter of the cap became reduced so that it might be said rather to be insensibly squeezed then pulled off with a flattice the corporal acquitted himself of both in a better manner than the posture of his affairs promised and having him twice to find in what key his story would best go and best suit his master's humor he exchanged a single look at him and set off thus the story of the king of bohemia in his seven castles there was a certain king of bow he as the corporal was entering the confines of bohemia by Uncle Toby obliged him to halt for a single moment he had set out bare headed having since he pulled off his montero cap and the latter into the last chapter left it lying beside him on the ground the eye of goodness aspired the corporal had well got through the first five words of his story had my Uncle Toby twice touched his montero cap with the end of his cane interrogatively as much as to say why don't you put it on Trim Trim took it up with the most respectful slowness and casting a glance of humiliation as he did it upon the embroidery of the forepart which being dismally tarnished and frayed moreover in some of the principal leaves in boldest parts of the pattern in his two feet in order to moralize upon the subject to every word of it but too true cried my Uncle Toby that thou art about to observe nothing in this world Trim is made to last forever but when tokens dear Tom of thy love and remembrance wear out said Trim what shall we say? there is no occasion Trim quote my Uncle Toby to say anything else and was a man to puzzle his brains till doomsday I believe Trim it would be impossible the corporal perceiving why Uncle Toby was in the right and that it would be in vain for the wits of man to think of extracting a pure moral from his cap without further attempting it he put it on and passing his hand across his forehead to rub out a pensive wrinkle which the text and the doctrine between them had engendered he returned with the same look and tone of voice to his story of the king of Bohemia and his seven castles the story of the king of Bohemia and his seven castles continued there was a certain king of Bohemia but in whose reign except his own I am not able to inform your honor I do not desire it of thee Trim by any means cried my Uncle Toby it was a little before the time in pleasure honor when giants were beginning to leave off breeding but in what year of our lord that was I would not give a half penny to no said my Uncle Toby only in pleasure honor it makes a story but the better in the face tis thy own Trim so ornamented after thy own fashion and take any date continued my Uncle Toby looking pleasantly upon him take any date in the whole world thou choosest and put it to thou art heartily welcome the corporal bowed for of every century and of every year of that century from the first creation of the world down to Noah's flood and from Noah's flood to the birth of Abraham through all the pilgrimages of the patriarchs to the departure of the Israelites out of Egypt and throughout all the dynasties Olympias, Urbecon Ditas and other memorable epica of the different nations of the world down to the coming of Christ and from thence to the very moment in which the corporal was telling his story had my Uncle Toby subjected this vast empire of time and all its abysses at his feet but as monasty scarce touches with the finger what liberality offers her with both hands open the corporal a contentant himself with the very worst year of the whole bunch which to prevent your honors of the majority and minority from tearing the very flesh off your bones in contestation whether that gear is not always the last cast year the last cast dollar monack I tell you plainly it was but from a different reason than you vote of it was the year next to him which being the year of our lord 1712 when the Duke of Oremond was playing the devil in Flanders the corporal took it and sit out with it afresh on his expedition to bohemia the story of the king of bohemia in his seven castles continued in the year of our lord 1712 there was empleasure on her to tell the truly trim quote by Uncle Toby any other date would have pleased me much better not only on account of the sad stain upon our history that year and marching off our troops and refusing to cover the siege of Kazanoy though fagle was carrying on the works with such incredible vigor but likewise on the score trim of thy own story because if there are and which from what thou has dropped I partly suspect to be the fact if there are giants in it there is but one empleasure on her tis as bad as twenty replied my Uncle Toby thou shouldst have carried him back some seven or eight hundred years out of harm's way both of critics and other people and therefore I would advise thee if ever thou tellest it again if I live empleasure on her but once to get through it I will never tell it again quote trim either to man woman or child poo poo said my Uncle Toby both with accents of such sweet encouragement did he utter it that the corporal went on with his story with more alacrity than ever the story of the king of bohemia in his seven castles continued there was an empleasure on her said the corporal raising his voice and rubbing the palms of his two hands cheerily together as he begun a certain king of bohemia leave out the date entirely trim quote my Uncle Toby leaning forwards and laying his hand gently upon the corporal's shoulder to temper the interruption leave it out entirely trim the story passes very well without these niceties unless one is pretty sure of him sure of him said the corporal shaking his head right answered my Uncle Toby it is not easy trim for one brought up as thou and I have been to arms who seldom looks further forward than to the end of his musket or backwards beyond his knapsack to know much about this matter God bless your honor sir the corporal won by the matter of my Uncle Toby's reasoning as much as by the reasoning itself he has something else to do if not on action or on march or upon duty to his garrison he has his fire lock and pleasure honor to fervish his accoutrements to take care of his regimentals to mend himself to shave and keep so as to appear always like what he is upon the parade what business at the corporal triumphantly has a soldier and pleasure honor to know anything and all of geography thou wouldst have said chronology trim said my Uncle Toby for as for geography it is of absolute use to him he must be acquainted intimately with every country and its boundaries where his profession carries him he should know every town and city and village and hemlet with the canals, the rows, the hollow ways which lead up to them there is not a river or a rivulet he passes trim but he should be able at first sight to tell thee what is his name and what mountains it takes us rise what is its course how far is it navigable where affordable where not he should know the fertility of every valley as well as the hind who plows it and be able to describe or if it is required give thee an exact map of all the plains and defiles the forts, the eclivities, the woods and morasses through and by which his army is to march he should know their produce, their plants their minerals, their waters, their animals their seasons, their climates, their heats and cold, their inhabitants, their customs their languages, their policy and even their religion is it else to be conceived corporal continued my Uncle Toby rising up in his century box as he began to warm his part of his discourse how Marlborough could have marched his army from the banks of the maze to Bellberg from Bellberg to Kirpennord here the corporal could set no longer from Kirpennord, Trim, to Kalsigan from Kalsigan to Newdorf from Newdorf to Landenburg from Landenburg to Mildenheim from Mildenheim to Elkingen from Elkingen to Gingen from Gingen to Balmerkofen from Balmerkofen to Skellenburg where he broke in upon the enemy's works to the heart of the Empire marching at the head of them through Freiber, Hockenvert, Schonevelt to the plains of Blenheim and Hostet great as he was corporal he could not have advanced a step or made one single day's march without the aids of geography as for chronology I own Trim continued my Uncle Toby sitting down coolly in his century box that of all others it seems the science which the soldier might best spare was it not for the lights and determining the invention of powder the furious execution of which renversing everything like thunder before has become a new era to us of military improvements changing so totally the nature of attacks and defenses both by sea and land and awakening so much art and skill in doing it that the world cannot be too exact and ascertaining the precise time of its discovery or too inquisitive in knowing what great man was the discoverer and what occasions gave birth to it I am far from contributing continued my Uncle Toby what historians agree in that in the year of our Lord 1380 under the reign of Wincolus son of Charles IV a certain priest whose name was Schwartz showed the use of power to the Venetian in the war against the Genoese but it is certain he was not the first because if we are to believe Don Pedro the Bishop of Leon how came priests and bishops in pleasure honor to trouble their heads so much about gunpowder God knows said my Uncle Toby his providence brings good out of everything and he avares in his chronicles of King Alphonsus who reduced Toledo that in the year 1343 which was full of 37 years before that time the secret of power was well known and employed with success both by Moors and Christians not only in their sea combats at that period but in many of their most memorable sieges in Spain and Barbary and all the world knows that Friar Bacon had wrote expressly about it and had generously given the world a receipt to make it by full of 150 years before even Schwartz was born and that the Chinese, added my Uncle Toby embarrassed us in all accounts of it still more by boasting of the invention so hundreds of years even before him they are a pack of liars I believe cried Trim they are somehow or other deceives said my Uncle Toby in this matter as is plain to me from the present miserable state of military architecture amongst them which consists of nothing more than a frost with a brick wall without flanks and what they give us as a bastion at each angle of it Tis so barbariously constructed that it looks for all the world like one of the seven castles and pleaser on her quote Trim my Uncle Toby though in the utmost distress for a comparison most courteously refused Trim's offer till Trim telling him he had half a dozen more in Bohemia which he knew not how to get off his hands my Uncle Toby was so touched with the pleasantry of heart of the corporal that he discontinued his dissertation upon gunpowder and begged the corporal forthwith to go on with his story of the king of Bohemia and the seven castles the story of the king of Bohemia and the seven castles continued this unfortunate king of Bohemia said Trim was he unfortunate then cried my Uncle Toby for he had been so wrapped up in his dissertation upon gunpowder and other military affairs that though he had desired the corporal to go on yet the many interruptions he had given dwelt not so strong upon his fancy as to account for the epithet was he unfortunate then Trim said my Uncle Toby pathetically the corporal wishing first the word and all its synonymous at the devil forthwith began to run back in his mind the principal events in the king of Bohemia story from every one of which it appearing that he was the most fortunate man that ever existed in the world it put the corporal to a stand for not caring to retract his epithet and less to explain it and least of all to twist his tail like men of lore to serve a system he looked up in my Uncle Toby's face for assistance but seeing it was the very thing my Uncle Toby sat in expectation of himself after a hum and a ha he went on the king of Bohemia in pleasure on a reply the corporal was unfortunate and thus that taking great pleasure in delight navigation and all sorts of sea affairs and they're happening throughout the whole kingdom of Bohemia to be no seaport town whatever how the do should their trim cried my Uncle Toby for Bohemia being totally inland it could have happened no other wise it might said trim if it had pleased God my Uncle Toby never spoke of the being in natural attributes of God but with diffidence and hesitation I believe not reply my Uncle Toby after some pause for being inland as I said and having Silesia and Moravia to the east Lusatia and Upper Saxony to the north Franconia to the west and Bavaria to the south Bohemia could not have been propelled to the sea without ceasing to be Bohemia nor could the sea on the other hand have come up to Bohemia without overflowing a great part of Germany and destroying millions of unfortunate inhabitants who could make no defense against it scandalous cried trim which would bespeak added my Uncle Toby mildly such a want of compassion in him who is the father of it that I think trim the thing could have happened no way the corporal made a bow of unfeigned conviction and went on now the king of Bohemia with his queen in courtiers happening one fine summer's evening to walk out I there the word happening is right trim cried my Uncle Toby for the king of Bohemia and his queen might have walked out or let it alone it was a matter of contingency which might happen or not just as chance ordered it King William was an opinion and pleaser on a quote trim that everything was predestined for us in this world in so much that he would often say to his soldiers that every ball had its billet he was a great man said my Uncle Toby and I believe continued trim to this day that the shot which disabled me at the battle of Landon was pointed at my knee for no other purpose but to take me out of his service and place me in your honors where I should be taken so much better care of in my old age and she'll never trim he construed otherwise said my Uncle Toby the heart both of the master and the man were alike subject to sudden overflowing a short silence ensued besides said the corporal resuming the discourse but in a gayer accent if it had not been for that single shot I had never in pleaser honor been in love so that was once in love trim said my Uncle Toby smiling sauce replied the corporal overhead in ears and pleaser honor and how came it to pass I never heard one word of it before I dare say answer trim that every drummer and sergeant's son in the regiment knew of it it's high time I should said my Uncle Toby your honor remembers with concern said the corporal the total row to confusion of our camp and army at the affair of Landon everyone was left to shift for himself and if it had not been for the regiments Lumbly and Galloway which covered the retreat over the bridge near speaking the king himself could scarce have gained it he was pressed hard as your honor knows on every side of him Gallaud mortal cried my Uncle Toby caught up with enthusiasm this moment now that all is lost I see him galloping across me corporal to the left to bring up the remains of the English horse along with him to support the right and tear the laurel from Luxembourg's brow if yet tis possible I see him with a knot of his scarf just shot off infusing fresh spirits into poor Gallaud's regiments riding along the line then wheeling about and charging Conti at the head of it brave brave by heaven cried my Uncle Toby he deserves a crown as richly as a thief a halter shouted trim my Uncle Toby knew the corporal's loyalty otherwise to comparison was not at all to his mind it did not altogether strike the corporal's fancy when he had made it but it could not be recalled so he had nothing to do but proceed as the number of wounded was prodigious and no one had time to think of anything but his own safety though Talmash said my Uncle Toby brought off the foot with great prudence but I was left upon the field said the corporal thou was so poor fellow cried my Uncle Toby so that it was noon the next day continued the corporal before I was exchanged and put it on cart with 13 or 14 more in order to be conveyed to our hospital there is no part of the body in pleasure honor where a wound occasions more intolerable anguish than upon the knee except the groin said my Uncle Toby in pleasure honor replied the corporal the knee in my opinion must certainly be the most acute there being so many tendons and what are your columns all about it it is for that reason growth my Uncle Toby that the groin is infinitely more sensible there being not only as many tendons and what are your columns for I know not their name as little as thou dust about it more over Mrs. Wadman who had been all the time in her Arbor instantly stopped her breath unpinned her mob at the chin and stood upon one leg the dispute was maintained with amicable and equal force between my Uncle Toby and Trim for some time till Trim at length recollecting that he had often cried at his master's sufferings and never shed a tear at his own was forgiving up the point which my Uncle Toby would not allow it is a proof of nothing Trim said he but the generosity of thy temper so that whether the pain of a wound is in the groin catarous paribas is greater than the pain of a wound in the knee or whether the pain of a wound in the knee is not greater than the pain of a wound in the groin are points which to this day remain unsettled ending of chapter 43 of Tristram-Sandy volume 4 chapters 44 to 47 of Tristram-Sandy volume 4 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Elizabeth Klett the life and opinions of Tristram-Sandy gentlemen volume 4 by Lawrence Stern chapter 44 the anguish of my knee continued the corporal was excessive in itself and the uneasiness of the cart with the roughness of the roads which were terribly cut up making bad still worse every step was death to me so that with the loss of blood in the want of care-taking of me and a fever I felt coming on besides poor soul all together and please your honor was more than I could sustain I was telling my sufferings to a young woman at a peasant's house where our cart which was the last of the line had halted they had helped me in and the young woman had taken a cordial out of her pocket and dropped it upon some sugar and seeing it had cheered me she had given it me a second and third time so I was telling her and please your honor the anguish I was in and was saying it was so intolerable to me that I had much rather lie down upon the bed turning my face towards one which was in the corner of the room and die then go on when upon her attempting to lead me to it I fainted away in her arms she was a good soul as your honor said the corporal wiping his eyes will hear I thought love had been a joyous thing quote my uncle Toby it is the most serious thing and please your honor sometimes that is in the world by the persuasion of the young woman continued the corporal the cart with the wounded men set off without me she had assured them I should expire immediately if I was put into the cart so when I came to myself I found myself in a still quiet cottage with no one but the young woman and the peasant and his wife I was laid across the bed in the corner of the room with my wounded leg upon a chair and the young woman beside me holding the corner of her handkerchief dipped in vinegar to my nose with one hand and rubbing my temples with the other I took her at first for the daughter of the peasant for it was no inn so had offered her a little purse with eighteen Florence which my poor brother Tom here trim wiped his eyes had sent me as a token by a recruit just before he set out for Lisbon I never told your honor that pity his story yet here trim wiped his eyes a third time the young woman called the old man and his wife into the room to show them the money in order to gain me credit for a bed and what little necessaries I should want till I should be in a condition to be got to the hospital come then said she tying up the little purse I'll be your banker but as that officer alone will not keep me employed I'll be your nurse too I thought by her manner of speaking this as well as by her dress which I then began to consider more attentively that the young woman could not be the daughter of the peasant she was in black down to her toes with her hair concealed under a cambrick border laid close to her forehead she was one of those kind of nuns of which, your honor knows there are a good many in Flanders which they let go loose by thy description trim said my uncle Toby I dare say she was a young beguin of which there are none to be found anywhere but in the Spanish Netherlands except at Amsterdam they differ from nuns in this that they can quit their cloister if they choose to marry they visit and take care of the sick by profession I'd rather for my own part they did it out of good nature she often told me quote trim, she did it for the love of Christ I did not like it I believe trim we are both wrong said my uncle Toby we'll ask Mr. Yorick about it tonight at my brother Shandy's so put me in mind added my uncle Toby the young beguin continued the corporal she would be my nurse when she hastily turned about to begin the office of one and prepare something for me and in a short time though I thought it a long one she came back with flannels et cetera et cetera and having fermented my knees soundly for a couple of hours et cetera and made me a thin basin of gruel for my supper she wished me rest and promised to be with me early in the morning she wished me and please your honor what was not to be had my fever ran very high that night her figure made sad disturbance within me I was every moment cutting the world in two to give her half of it and every moment I was crying that I had nothing but a knapsack and eighteen florins to share with her the whole night long was the fair beguin like an angel close by my bedside holding back my curtain carrying me cordials and I was only awakened from my dream by her coming there at the hour promised and giving them in reality in truth she was scarce ever from me and so accustomed was I to receive life from her hands that my heart sickened and I lost color when she left the room and yet continued the corporal making one of the strangest reflections upon it in the world it was not love for during the three weeks I was constantly with me fermenting my knee with her hand night and day I can honestly say and please your honor that once that was very odd trim quote my Uncle Toby I think so too said Mrs. Wadman it never did said the corporal Chapter 45 but tis no marvel continued the corporal seeing my Uncle Toby musing upon it for love and please your honor is exactly like war in this that a soldier though he had escaped three weeks complete a Saturday night may nevertheless be shot through his heart on Sunday morning it happened so here and please your honor with this difference only that it was on Sunday in the afternoon when I fell in love all at once with a Cicerara please your honor like a bomb scarce giving me time to say God bless me I thought trim said my Uncle Toby a man never fell in love so very suddenly yes and please your honor if he is in the way of it replied trim I prithee quote my Uncle Toby inform me how this matter happened with all pleasure said the corporal Chapter 46 I had escaped continued the corporal all that time from falling in love and had gone on to the end of the chapter had it not been predestined otherwise there is no resisting our fate it was on a Sunday in the afternoon as I told your honor the old man and his wife had walked out everything was still and hush as midnight about the house there was not so much as a duck or a duckling about the yard when the fair beguine came in to see me my wound was then in a fair way of doing well the inflammation had been gone off for some time but it was succeeded with an itching both above and below my knee so insufferable that I had not shut my eyes the whole night for it let me see said she kneeling down upon the ground parallel to my knee and laying her hand upon the part below it only once rubbing a little said the beguine so covering with the bed clothes she began with the forefinger of her right hand to rub under my knee guiding her forefinger backwards and forwards by the edge of the flannel which kept on the dressing in five or six minutes I felt slightly the end of her second finger and presently it was laid flat with the other and she continued rubbing in that way round and round for a good while it then came into my head that I should fall in love I blushed when I saw how white a hand she had I shall never unpleaser on a behold another hand so white whilst I live not in that place said my uncle Toby though it was the most serious despair in nature to the corporal he could not forbear smiling the young beguine continued the corporal perceiving it was of great service to me from rubbing for some time with two fingers proceeded to rub at length with three till by little and little she brought down the fourth and then rubbed with her whole hand I will never say another word and please a runner upon hands again but it was softer than satin pretty trim commend it as much as thou wilt said my uncle Toby I shall hear thy story with the more delight the corporal thanked his master most unfanedly but having nothing to say upon the beguine's hand but the same over again he proceeded to the effect of it the fair beguine said the corporal continued rubbing with her whole hand under my knee till I feared her zeal would weary her I would do a thousand times more said she for the love of Christ in saying which she passed her hand across the flannel to the part above my knee which I had equally complained of and rubbed it also I perceived then I was beginning to be in love as she continued rub rub rubbing I felt it spread from under her hand and please your honor to every part of my frame the more she rubbed and the longer stroke she took the more the fire kindled in my veins until at length by two or three strokes longer than the rest my passion rose to the highest pitch I seized her hand and then thou clapsed it to thy lips trim said my uncle Toby and maids to speech whether the corporals are more terminated precisely in the way my uncle Toby described it is not material it is enough that it contained in it the essence of all the love romances which have ever been wrote since the beginning of the world Chapter 47 as soon as the corporal had finished the story of his are more or rather my uncle Toby for him Mrs. Woodman silently sallied replaced the pin in her mob passed the wicker gate and advanced slowly towards my uncle Toby's sentry box the disposition which Trim had made in my uncle Toby's mind was too favorable a crisis to be let slit the attack was determined upon it was facilitated still more by my uncle Toby's having ordered the corporal to wheel off the pioneers shovel the spade the pickaxe the pique and the other military stores which lay scattered upon the ground where Duncork stood the corporal had marched the field was clear now consider sir what nonsense it is either in fighting or writing or anything else whether in rhyme to it or not which a man has occasion to do to act by plan for if ever plan independent of all circumstances deserved registering in letters of gold I mean in the archives of Gotham it was certainly the plan of Mrs. Woodman's attack of my uncle Toby in his sentry box by plan now the plan hanging up in it at this juncture being the plan of Duncork and the tale of Duncork a tale of relaxation it opposed every impression she could make and besides could she have gone upon it the maneuver of fingers and hands in the attack of the sentry box was so outdone by that of the fair Begwin's in Trim's story that just then that particular attack however successful before became the most heartless attack that could be made no let woman alone for this Mrs. Woodman had scarce opened the wicker gate when her genius sported with the change of circumstances she formed a new attack in a moment End of chapters 44 to 47 for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Bruce Peary the life and opinions of Tristram Shandy gentlemen volume 4 last volume by Lawrence Stern Chapter 48 I am half distracted Captain Shandy said Mrs. Woodman holding up her camber cankerchief to her left eye as she approached the door of my uncle Toby's sentry box a moat or sand or something I know not what has got into this eye of mine do look into it it is not in the white in saying which Mrs. Woodman edged herself close in beside my uncle Toby and squeezing herself down upon the corner of his bench she gave him an opportunity of doing it without rising up do look into it said she honest soul thou didst look into it with as much innocencey of heart as every child looked into a rary show box and were as much a sin to have hurt thee if a man will be peeping of his own accord into things of that nature I have nothing to say to it my uncle Toby never did and I will answer for him that he would have sat quietly upon a sofa from June to January which you know takes in both the hot and cold months with an eye as fine as the Thracian Rodope's Rodope Thracia Tham Inevitability Thaschino Instructa Tham Exacto Auculus Intuens Attraxit would see in Ilam Quis Incadisit Fiery Known Passet Quincoperator I know not who besides him without being able to tell whether it was a black or a blue one with his pipe pendulous in his hand and the ashes falling out of it looking and looking then rubbing his eyes and looking again with twice the good nature that ever Galileo looked for a spot in the sun In vain for by all the powers which animate the organ widow Wadman's left eye shines this moment as lucid as her right there is neither moat or sand or dust or chaff or speck or particle of opaque matter floating in it there is nothing, my dear paternal uncle but one lambent, delicious fire furtively shooting out from every part of it in all directions into thine if thou lookest, Uncle Toby in search of this moat one moment longer thou art undone Chapter 49 An eye is for all the world exactly like a cannon in this respect that it is not so much the eye or the cannon in themselves as it is the carriage of the eye and the carriage of the cannon by which both the one and the other are enabled to do so much execution I don't think the comparison is a bad one however as tis made and placed at the head of the chapter as much for use as ornament all I desire in return is that whenever I speak of Mrs. Wadman's mouth once in the next period that you keep it in your fancy I protest madam said my Uncle Toby I can see nothing whatever in your eye it is not in the white said Mrs. Wadman my Uncle Toby looked with might and main into the pupil now of all the eyes which ever were created from your own madam up to those of Venus herself which certainly were as venereal a pair of eyes as ever stood in a head there never was an eye of them all so fitted to rob my Uncle Toby of his repose as the very eye at which he was looking it was not madam a rolling eye a romping or a wanton one nor was it an eye sparkling petulant or imperious of high claims and terrifying exactions which would have curdled at once that milk of human nature of which my Uncle Toby was made up but was an eye full of gentle salutations and soft responses speaking not like the trumpet stop of some ill-made organ in which many an eye I talked to holds course converse but whispering soft like the last low accent of an expiring saint how can you live comfortless captain Shandy and alone without a bosom to lean your head on or trust your cares to it was an eye but I shall be in love with it myself if I say another word about it it did my Uncle Toby's business chapter 50 there is nothing shows the character of my father and my Uncle Toby in a more entertaining light than their different manner of deportment under the same accident for I call not love a misfortune from a persuasion that a man's heart is ever the better for it great God what must my Uncle Toby's have been when it was all benignity without it my father as appears from many of his papers was very subject to this passion before he married but from a little sub-acid kind of drollish impatience in his nature whenever it befell him he would never submit to it like a Christian but would rush and huff and bounce and kick and play the devil and write the bitterest Philippics against the eye that ever man wrote there is one inverse upon somebody's eye or other that for two or three nights together had put him by his rest which in his first transport of resentment against it he begins thus a devil tis and mischief such doth work as never yet did pagan Jew or Turk this will be printed with my father's socrates et cetera et cetera in short during the whole paroxysm my father was all abuse and foul language approaching rather towards malediction only he did not do it with as much method as Ernulfis he was too impetuous nor with Ernulfis's policy for though my father with the most intolerant spirit would curse both this and that and everything under heaven which was either aiding or abetting to his love yet never concluded his chapter of curses upon it without cursing himself in at the bargain as one of the most egregious fools and coxcombs he would say that ever was let loose in the world my uncle Toby on the contrary took it like a lamb sat still and let the poison work in his veins without resistance in the sharpest exacerbations of his wound like that in his groin he never dropped one fretful or discontented word he blamed neither heaven nor earth or thought or spoke an injurious thing of any body or any part of it he sat solitary and pensive with his pipe looking at his lame leg then withing out a sentimental hey ho which mixing with the smoke incommoded no one mortal he took it like a lamb in truth he had mistook it at first for having taken a ride with my father that very morning to save if possible a beautiful wood which the dean and chapter were hewing down to give to the poor Mr. Shandy must mean the poor in spirit in as much as they divided the money amongst themselves which said would being in full view of my uncle Toby's house and of singular service to him in his son of the battle of Winnendale by trotting on to hastily to save it upon an uneasy saddle worse horse etc etc it had so happened that the serious part of the blood had got betwixt the two skins in the nethermost part of my uncle Toby the first shootings of which as my uncle Toby had no experience of love he had taken for a part of the passion till the breaking in the one case and the other remaining my uncle Toby was presently convinced that his wound was not a skin deep wound but that it had gone to his heart chapter 51 the world is ashamed of being virtuous my uncle Toby knew little of the world and therefore when he felt he was in love with widow Wadman he had no conception that the thing was any more to be made a mystery of than if mrs. Wadman had given him a cut with a gaped knife across his finger had it been otherwise yet as he ever looked upon trim as a humble friend and saw fresh reasons every day of his life to treat him as such it would have made no variation in the manner in which he informed him of the affair I am in love corporal quote my uncle Toby chapter 52 in love said the corporal your honor was very well the day before yesterday when I was telling your honor of the story of the king of bohemia bohemia said my uncle Toby musing a long time what became of that story trim we lost it and please your honor somehow betwixt us but your honor was as free from love then as I am it was just whilst I went off with the wheelbarrow with mrs. Wadman quote my uncle Toby she has left a ball here added my uncle Toby pointing to his breast she can no more and please your honor stand a siege then she can fly cried the corporal but as we are neighbors trim the best way I think is to let her know it civilly first quote my uncle Toby now if I might presume said the corporal to differ from your honor why else do I talk to the trim said my uncle Toby mildly then I would begin and please your honor with making a good thundering attack upon her in return and telling her civilly afterwards for if she knows anything of your honors being in love beforehand lord help her she knows no more at present of it trim said my uncle Toby then the child unborn precious souls mrs. Wadman had told it with all its circumstances to mrs. Bridget 24 hours before and was at that very moment sitting in council with her touching some slight misgivings with regard to the issue of the affairs which the devil who never lies dead in a ditch had put into her head before he would allow half time to get quietly through her tedium I am terribly afraid said widow Wadman in case I should marry him Bridget that the poor captain will not enjoy his health with the monstrous wound upon his groin it may not madam be so very large reply to Bridget as you think and I believe besides added she that his dried up I could like to know merely for his sake said mrs. Wadman we'll know the long and the broad of it in ten days answered mrs. Bridget for whilst the captain is paying his addresses to you I'm confident mr. Trim will be making love to me and I'll let him as much as he will added Bridget to get it all out of him the measures were taken at once and my uncle Toby and the corporal went on with theirs now quote the corporal setting his left hand a Kimbo and giving such a flourish with his right as just promised success and no more if your honour will give me leave to lay down the plan of this attack thou wilt please me by it Trim will Toby exceedingly and as I foresee thou must act in it as my aid to comp here's a crown corporal to begin with to steep thy commission then and please your honour said the corporal making a bow first for his commission we will begin with getting your honour's laced clothes out of the great campaign trunk to be well aired and have the blue and gold taken up at the sleeves and I'll put your white Romali wig fresh from your pipes and send for a tailor to have your honour's thin scarlet breeches turned I had better take the red plush ones quote my uncle Toby they will be too clumsy said the corporal Chapter 53 thou wilt get a brush and a little chalk to my sword twill be only in your honour's way replied Trim Chapter 54 but your honour's two razors shall be new set and I will get my Montero cap furbished up and put on poor Lieutenant Le Fever's regimental coat which your honour gave me to wear for his sake and as soon as your honour is clean shaved and has got your clean shirt on with your blue and gold or your fine scarlet sometimes one and sometimes two other and everything is ready for the attack we'll march up boldly as if twas to the face of a bastion and whilst your honour engages Mrs. Wadman in the parlor to the right Mrs. Bridget in the kitchen to the left and having seized the pass I'll answer for it said the corporal snapping his fingers over his head that the day is our own I wish I may but manage it right said my uncle Toby but I declare corporal I had rather march up to the very edge of a trench a woman is quite a different thing said the corporal I suppose so quote my uncle Toby end of chapters forty eight two fifty four chapters fifty five to fifty seven of Tristram Shandy volume four this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Bruce Peary the life and opinions of Tristram Shandy gentlemen volume four last volume by Lawrence Stern chapter fifty five if anything in this world which my father said could have provoked my uncle Toby during the time he was in love it was the perverse use my father was always making of an expression of Hilarion the Hermit who in speaking of his abstinence his watchings, flagellations and other instrumental parts of his religion would say though with more facetiousness than became a hermit that they were the means he used to make his ass meaning his body leave off kicking yet pleased my father well it was not only a laconic way of expressing but of libeling at the same time the desires and appetites of the lower part of us so that for many years of my father's life was his constant mode of expression he never used the word passions once ass always instead of them so that he might be said truly to have been upon the bones or the back of his own ass or else of some other man's during all that time I must here observe to you the difference betwixt my father's ass and my hobby horse in order to keep characters as separate as may be in our fancies as we go along for my hobby horse if you recollect a little is no way an auspicious beast he has scarce one hair or lineament of the ass about him tis the sporting little filly folly which carries you out for the present hour a maggot, a butterfly a picture, a fiddle stick an uncle Toby's siege or an anything which a man makes a shift to get a stride on to canter it away from the cares and solicitudes of life tis as useful a beast as is in the whole creation nor do I really see how the world could do without it but for my father's ass oh, mount him mount him, mount him that's three times is it not mount him not tis a beast concupacent and foul befall the man who does not hinder him from kicking chapter 56 well, dear brother Toby said my father upon his first seeing him after he fell in love and how goes it with your ass now my uncle Toby thinking more of the part where he had had the blister than of Hilarion's metaphor and our preconceptions having, you know as great a power over the sounds of words as the shapes of things he had imagined that my father who was not very ceremonious in his choice of words had inquired after the part by its proper name so, notwithstanding my mother Dr. Slopp and Mr. Yorick were sitting in the parlor he thought it rather civil to conform to the term my father had made use of than not when a man is hemmed in by two endicorums and must commit one of them I always observe let him choose which he will the world will blame him so I should not be astonished if it blames my uncle Toby my ass my uncle Toby is much better brother Shandy my father had formed great expectations from his ass in this onset and would have brought him on again but Dr. Slopp setting up an intemperate laugh and my mother crying out lord blesses it drove my father's ass off the field and the laugh then becoming general there was no bringing him back to the charge for some time and so the discourse went on without him everybody said my mother says you are in love brother Toby and we hope it is true I am as much in love sister I believe replied my uncle Toby as any man usually is said my father and when did you know it quote my mother when the blister broke replied my uncle Toby my uncle Toby's reply put my father into good temper so he charged a foot chapter 57 as the ancients agree brother Toby said my father that there are two different and distinct kinds of love according to the different parts which are affected by it the brain or liver I think when a man is in love it beholds him a little to consider which of the two he is fallen into what signifies it brother Shandy replied my uncle Toby which of the two it is provided it will but make a man marry and love his wife and get a few children a few children cried my father rising out of his chair and looking full in my mother's face as he forced his way betwixt hers and Dr. Slops a few children cried my father repeating my uncle Toby's words as he walked to and fro not my dear brother Toby cried my father recovering himself all at once and coming close up to the back of my uncle Toby's chair not that I should be sorry hence thou a score on the contrary I should rejoice and be as kind Toby to every one of them as a father my uncle Toby stole his hand unperceived behind his chair to give my father's a squeeze nay, moreover continued he keeping hold of my uncle Toby's hand so much dust thou possess my dear Toby of the milk of human nature and so little of its asperities tis piteous the world is not peopled by creatures which resemble thee and was I an asiatic monarch added my father heating himself with his new project I would oblige thee provided it would not impair thy strength or dry up thy radical moisture too fast or weaken thy memory or fancy brother Toby which these gymnics inordinately taken are apt to do else dear Toby I would procure thee the most beautiful woman in my empire and I would oblige thee Nolan's volans to beget for me one subject every month as my father pronounced the last word of the sentence my mother took a pinch of snuff now I would not quote my uncle Toby get a child Nolan's volans that is whether I would or know to please the greatest prince upon earth and would be cruel in me brother Toby to compel thee said my father but tis a case put to show thee that it is not thy begetting a child in case thou shouldst be able but the system of love and marriage thou goest upon which I would set thee right in there is at least said Yorick a great deal of reason and plain sense in captain Shandy's opinion of love and tis amongst the ill spent hours of my life which I have to answer for but I have read so many flourishing poets and returitions in my time from whom I never could extract so much I wish Yorick said my father you had read Plato for there you would have learnt that there are two loves I know there were two religions replied Yorick amongst the ancients one for the vulgar and another for the learned but I think one love might have served both of them very well it could not replied my father and for the same reasons for of these loves according to fascinuses comment upon Valacius the one is rational the other is natural the first ancient without mother where Venus had nothing to do the second begotten of Jupiter and Dione pray brother my uncle Toby what has a man who believes in God to do with this my father could not stop to answer for fear in the thread of his discourse this latter continued he partakes wholly of the nature of Venus the first which is the golden chain let down from heaven excites to love heroic which comprehends in it and excites to the desire of philosophy and truth the second excites to desire simply I think the procreation of children as beneficial to the world said Yorick as the finding out the longitude to be sure said my mother love keeps peace in the world in the house my dear I own it replenishes the earth said my mother but it keeps heaven empty my dear replied my father his virginity cried flop triumphantly which fills paradise well pushed none coath my father end of chapters 55 to 57 chapters 58 and 59 of Tristram Shandy volume 4 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Bruce Peary the life and opinions of Tristram Shandy gentlemen volume 4 last volume by Lawrence Stern chapter 58 my father had such a skirmishing cutting kind of a flashing way with him in his disputations thrusting and ripping and giving everyone a stroke to remember him by in his turn that if there were 20 people in company in less than half an hour he was sure to have every one of them against him what did not a little contribute to leave him thus without an ally was that if there was any one more untenable than the rest he would be sure to throw himself into it and to do him justice when he was once there he would defend it so gallantly that would have been a concern either to a brave man or a good natured one to have seen him driven out Yorick for this reason though he would often attack him yet could never bear to do it with all his force Dr. Slopp's virginity in the close of the last chapter brought him for once on the right side of the rampart and he was beginning to blow up all the convents in Christendom about Slopp's ears when corporal Trim came into the parlor to inform my uncle Toby that his thin scarlet breeches in which the attack was to be made upon Mrs. Wadman would not do for that the tailor in ripping them up in order to turn them had found that they had been turned before my father rapidly for there will be many a turning of them yet before all is done in the affair they are as rotten as dirt said the corporal then by all means said my father bespeak a new pair brother for though I know continued my father turning himself to the company that widow Wadman has been deeply in love with my brother Toby for many years and has used every art and circumvention of women to outwit him into the same passion yet now that she has caught him her fever will be past its height she has gained her point in this case continued my father which Plato I am persuaded never thought of love you see is not so much a sentiment as a situation into which a man enters as my brother Toby would do into a core no matter whether he loves the service or now being once in it he acts as if he did and takes every step to show himself a man of prowess the hypothesis like the rest of my father's was plausible enough and my uncle Toby had but a single word to object to it in which trim stood ready to second him but my father had not drawn his conclusion for this reason continued my father stating the case over again not withstanding all the world knows that Mrs. Wadman affects my brother Toby and my brother Toby contrary wise affects Mrs. Wadman and no obstacle in nature to forbid the music striking up this very night yet will I answer for it that this self same tune will not be played this twelve month we have taken our measures badly quote my uncle Toby looking up interrogatively in trim's face I would lay my Montero cap said trim now trim's Montero cap as I once told you was his constant wager and having furbished it up that very night in order to go upon the attack it made the odds look more considerable I would lay and please your honour my Montero cap to a shilling was it proper continued trim making a bow to offer a wager before your honours there is nothing improper in it said my father tis a mode of expression for in saying thou was lay thy Montero cap to a shilling all thou meanest is this believest now what does thou believe that widow wadman and please your worship cannot hold it out ten days and whence cried Slopp jeeringly has thou all this knowledge of women friend by falling in love with a popish clergy woman said trim tis a beguine said my uncle Toby dr. Slopp was too much in wrath to listen to the distinction and my father making that very crisis to fall in helter skelter upon the whole order of nuns and beguines a set of silly fusty baggages Slopp could not stand it and my uncle Toby having some measures to take about his breeches and Jorak about his fourth general division in order for there several attacks next day the company broke up and my father being left alone and having half an hour upon his hands betwixt that and him he called for pen ink and paper and wrote my uncle Toby the following letter of instructions my dear brother Toby what I am going to say to thee is upon the nature of women and of love making to them and perhaps it is as well for thee though not so well for me that thou hast occasion for a letter of instructions upon that head and that I am able to write it to thee I had it been the good pleasure of him who disposes of our lots and thou no sufferer by the knowledge I had been well content that thou shouldst have dipped the pen this moment into the ink instead of myself but that not being the case Mrs. Shandy being now close beside me preparing for bed I have thrown together without order and just as they have come into my mind such hints and documents as I deem of use to thee intending in this to give the token of my love not doubting my dear Toby of the manner in which it will be accepted in the first place with regard to all which concerns religion in the affair though I perceive from a glow in my cheek that I blush as I begin to speak to thee upon the subject as well knowing not withstanding thy unaffected secrecy how few of its vices thou neglectest yet I would remind thee of one during the continuance of thy courtship in a particular manner which I would not have omitted and that is never to go forth upon the enterprise whether it be in the morning or the afternoon without first recommending thyself to the protection of Almighty God that he may defend thee from the evil one shave the whole top of thy own clean once at least every four or five days but oftener if convenient lest in taking off thy wig before her through absence of mind she should be able to discover how much has been cut away by time how much by trim to her better to keep ideas of baldness out of her fancy always carry it in thy mind and act upon it as a sure maxim Toby that women are timid and as well they are else there would be no dealing with them let not thy breeches be too tight or hang too loose about thy thighs like the trunk hose of our ancestors adjust medium prevents all conclusions whatever thou hast to say be it more or less forget not to utter it in a low soft tone of voice silence and whatever approaches it weaves dreams of midnight secrecy into the brain for this cause if thou canst help it never throw down the tongs and poker avoid all kinds of pleasantry and facetiousness in thy discourse with her and do whatever lies in thy power at the same time to keep her from all books and writings which tend there too there are some devotional tracks which if thou canst entice her to read over it will be well not to look into Ravallé or Scaron or Don Quixote they are all books which excite laughter and thou knowest dear Toby that there is no passion so serious as lust stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt before thou interest her parlor and if thou art permitted to sit upon the same sofa with her and she gives the occasion to lay thy hand upon hers beware of taking it thou canst not lay thy hand on hers but she will feel the temper of thine leave that and as many other things as thou canst quite undetermined by so doing thou wilt have her curiosity on thy side and if she is not conquered by that and thy ass continues still kicking which there is great reason to suppose thou must begin with first losing a few ounces of blood below the ears according to the practice of the ancient Scythians who cured the most intemperate fits of the appetite by that means Avicenna after this is for having the part anointed with the syrup of Halibor using proper evacuations and purges and I believe rightly but thou must eat little or no goats flesh nor red deer nor even foals flesh by any means and carefully abstain as thou canst from peacocks cranes coots didappers and water hens as for thy drink I need not tell thee it must be the infusion of vervein and the herb Hania of which Elian relates such effects but if thy stomach pauls with it discontinue it from time to time taking cucumbers melons purslane water lilies woodbine and lettuce in the stead of them there is nothing further for thee which occurs to me at present unless the breaking out of a fresh war so wishing everything dear Toby for best I rest thy affectionate brother Walter Shandy chapter 59 whilst my father was writing his letter of instructions my uncle Toby and the corporal were busy in preparing everything for the attack as the turning of the thin scarlet breeches was laid aside at least for the present there was nothing which should put it off beyond the next morning so accordingly it was resolved upon for eleven o'clock come my dear said my father to my mother Toby but like a brother and sister if you and I take a walk down to my brother Toby's to countenance him in this attack of his my uncle Toby and the corporal had been accouter to both some time when my father and mother entered and clock striking eleven were that moment in motion to Sally forth but the account of this is worth more than to be wove into the fag and of the eighth alluding to the first edition volume of such a work as this my father had no time but to put the letter of instructions into my uncle Toby's coat pocket and join with my mother in wishing his attack prosperous I could like said my mother to look through the keyhole out of curiosity college by its right name my dear my father and look through the keyhole as long as you will end of chapters fifty eight and fifty nine