 I always had this like deep deep in my soul feeling of everyone else belongs here but I don't. I don't belong in this friend group, I don't belong here on YouTube, I don't belong with my family, I don't belong anywhere. Hello there my beautiful lovely internet friends, welcome back to my channel. For the past 29 years of my life here on planet earth I have had this constant feeling of I do not belong, I don't belong, and I think anyone looking at me from the outside would maybe be surprised to hear that because I tend to fit in okay in social situations. I have friends, I've had activities that have been a part of, I run this YouTube channel and social media presence and have found some success if you want to call it that there, but I have never ever felt like I belonged anywhere. And I'm gonna go out on a limb here and theorize that I am not the only person who has felt this way. Yet I look at other people and I'm like you don't need to feel that way, you absolutely belong. I know that people would say that the same thing right back to me so why is there this disconnect between me and everything else, every point of connection in my life? Why do I feel like an alien? Why do I feel like all of my wires just somehow got shoved in the wrong slots and I'm just not, I'm just not meant to fit in, I'm not meant to belong. And it's been really recently that I began to really examine that and question the idea that maybe, maybe I'm not an alien, maybe I'm not someone who is completely different and unable to be understood and will always feel like an outsider. People sometimes say that the things that you are most passionate about are the things that you feel like you don't have or maybe growing up you didn't have and I definitely see that reflected in my own life. I talk about you're not alone, you're not weird, you're not broken because those are things that I felt so, so heavily on myself and in my own life. So let's start the beginning in therapy. I've been with one therapist for about three and a half years now, she's an absolute godsend, Jamie you are incredible. And over and over and over again I would describe different situations and talk about how different I was than everybody else about how I felt like I blended in in situations but how I'd always feel like a freaking alien. Like I kept using that word like I am an alien in this situation and I see how the humans act and I can emulate it but I'm not one of them and that makes me sad, you know, that makes me that that's hard to deal with. And for many years she listened to me, she helped me along some larger issues I was dealing with, but recently she began to challenge that and was like Joe, you know you're actually not an alien right? Like you know you're not from some other planet, you know that you're not some misfit who will never find a home, you know that that's what you feel about yourself but that isn't what you are. And as dumb as it sounds, I never really stopped to ponder that because this feeling of otherness was so oppressive in my life for such a long time. So internally I was like, all right Jamie, well it looks like you're full of shit. Just kidding kind of and we began to examine this a little bit and I want to share just a little bit of backstory here. I am a really good listener, especially throughout the first two and a half decades of my life, I was an exceptional person who could listen to other people. People would tell me things about themselves that they would not tell other people because I was present in that moment. I wanted to hear other people's stories like I had so many people who considered me to be a very good and deep friend because they had exposed so much of their life to me and knew that it was safe with me, but I did not feel the same way towards those people. I still felt like the outsider, like the weirdo, like I didn't fit in and that pattern was repeated over and over and over again through high school and college and after college as I learned that, you know, not everybody's trustworthy as I experienced different kinds of trauma. It got worse. They got more closed down and the more closed down I became, the more acute this feeling of alien otherness became. So there are two seemingly very inconsequential situations that I brought up with my therapist that have led to me realizing maybe there is hope of me belonging and actually starting to feel like I do belong. I'm gonna say out loud too much and like curse myself. My lovely therapist and I were examining anger and she asked me if I could think of any situation where I'd recently felt angry and I was like, ah, my friend did say this one thing that was really insensitive about my mental health and I like, I know it was ignorant. Like they didn't know what they were talking about. Yeah, so on and so forth. And then she was like, well, did you share that with him? I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Like what I feel is, is my responsibility. They don't have to know what I'm feeling. Like I'm not going to put that on them. And she really challenged me on that a little bit and shared that no, you know, how I feel and how I react to something is not someone else's responsibility. However, when there's a rupture that occurs in a relationship, big or small and it's not voiced, there's no hope of it ever being repaired because apparently in relationships and friendships, there's this concept known as rupture and repair where things happen. We say things or we do things that hurt those we love and we have to have conversations to come to forgiveness and understanding and repair that and then move on. And in fact, that process actually has the amazing potential to really deepen relationships because A, you're not holding hidden grudges, which is always a good thing. B, you are allowing the person in the relationship to get to know something about you that they might not have known, like why this upset you or why it was difficult for you to hear. And then if both parties are willing, it's something that can actually bring you closer. So I began thinking about that a little bit because here's the thing. I am a very easy person to get along with. If you ask pretty much, pretty much any of my friends, they'll tell you, I'm very easy going. I'm not like high maintenance. If you don't text me back for two weeks, it's totally cool because I probably am also not texting you back for two weeks. 95% of very controversial topics and situations. I'm very open to hearing the other side. I don't get mad at you for what you think. Like I want to hear what you're saying. I want to share it, you know, back and forth. Like I have sculpted myself into someone who is very easy to be around and I'm aware of that. However, one thing that I have sacrificed in that process of being a people pleaser, being easy and never raising a fuss is the fact that people saying, do things that hurt me that I then never bring up with them, but that I have felt and I now deem that person or that topic less safe. And so I feel a distance from them. That just confirms my suspicion that I don't belong there and maybe I can still act like I belong there, but I'm just different because these things happen. I never say anything and this rift grows and grows and grows. And more recently, there was a specific situation where a friend of mine said something that was very hurtful to me. They had no way of knowing that this was going to hit on very deep trauma for me, but it did. And in that moment, I laughed it off. I was super easy to deal with. I went home and I started sobbing to my sweet dear husband being like, how could they say this? Like how, how could they say such a thing? Like it is so overwhelming and brings up so much shit for me. And Brian was like, you could, you could just give them a call or text them and let them know that that was hurtful to you. And I decided for one of the first times in my life to give that a shot. So I wrote my friend a message saying, Hey, I know you wouldn't know this, but what you said was really upsetting to me. Here's why here's some personal stuff it hit on. I just want to let you know, because I know it wasn't intentional, but just something to kind of know about me. And I would appreciate it if these kinds of jokes and things were made in the future around me personally. And I sent that and immediately wanted to run to the bathroom and throw up because I was like, that was the worst decision I've ever made. Why would I let someone know that about me? I should never have showed that I was angry, upset or any way. And you know, minutes later I got a response being like, Hey, Joe, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Really appreciate you telling me that. I'm glad to know this about you. And absolutely, I'll respect that in the future. And I kind of sat there in awe and wonderment for a few minutes because I felt closer to them because I felt seen. I felt a little bit taken care of. And ever since that situation, I have continued experimenting just a little bit. Just a little bit. I'm not going to go crazy here with being a little bit more vulnerable with people. I know when I say that there's incredible risk because when you're vulnerable, there's this huge possibility of getting hurt in a deep way. But I've walked around most of my life feeling hurt in a deep way all the time because I was so desperately lonely, even though I was surrounded by people who would have been willing to be there for me, who would have accepted me, who would have made me feel like I belong. Now, as I've said that, I want to make something really clear. I am in no way saying that if you feel like you don't belong, that that is your fault that makes you further broken, right? That's not at all. But I spent so much of my life thinking that something was inherently broken and wrong within me, which led to me then taking actions to further distance myself from people, to create space because I believed I didn't belong anyways. So why would I then let myself get hurt by feeling like I did belong only to be let down again because I was convinced that was what was going to happen? And so as I began to examine some of my actions and some of the ways that in groups of people I could belong to who could feel like family or could feel like good friends, there are some things that I do have control over that I can choose to do or not do. And that doesn't account for all of it because sometimes other people make us feel like we don't belong. Some of us have had a lifelong experience of trauma and breaches of trust and reasons why we don't feel like we fit or why we don't feel like we belong. So I'm by no means saying that everything is your fault if you feel this way, because everything is not my fault if I feel this way. But with that being said, there are actions that I can take. There are some things that are in my control that I can begin to experiment with to maybe start to feel like I belong. And in some very isolated situations, I'm beginning to feel that way. I'm beginning to feel seen because I've allowed people to see me and they haven't rejected me. And yes, I've been in a lot of situations where people have seen me and rejected me and it sucks. But this feeling of belonging is something that's new to me and it's something that's been very, very healing. Because at the end of the day, I am not some foreign alien that is destined to never feel like I belong to always be an outsider no matter where I am and neither are you. This whole experience of exploring why I always feel like a misfit has been very eye-opening to me. And these are just a couple of things that have worked for me. Perhaps they will for you and perhaps they don't apply in your situation and it's going to be something else. But I wanted to share this because I know that pretty much everyone I've ever spoken to has felt this way at some point in their lives. And it breaks my heart for other people because it's broken my heart for me. Living and feeling like you don't belong to the planet, like you don't belong to people is one of the worst feelings. It has motivated so much of what I've done in creating the content that I create and talking about the topics that I talk about. I never want other people to feel lonely or left out or like they're weird or broken. And my motivation for that is because I have felt lonely and broken and left out and like weird and different. Maybe I'm not nearly as much as I think I am. And maybe my beliefs about myself begin to influence how I interact with other people. Maybe, maybe not, but maybe there's a self-fulfilling prophecy that I have that says I'm never going to belong. I'm an alien. And so I internally start acting that way and maybe externally start acting that way and push people away. And I've begun to realize that that belief is not a true one. It's not a real one. It's not one that I have to continue to live under. And if there are things that are in my control that I can do to change that, I'm going to do that because I've hated feeling this way. I hate feeling isolated and weird and outcast and broken. But maybe that's not who I am. And that's not who you are either. If no one said it to you, you are not some foreign alien who does not belong here. You belong. You're not weird. You're not broken. You're not alone. You are not destined to always be isolated and neither am I. This is a journey I'm still on. I'm still learning. I'm still growing. It's a long process because I do still feel like a weirdo and like the outcast and like I don't belong. A lot of situations, but those situations have started to subtract. And for that, I'm very grateful. Thank you for listening to me today. I truly appreciate it. This video is a little bit different for my channel, but let's be honest. My content has been very all over the place lately. So it's kind of par for the course. It's par for the course. Is that like a, that's a golf term, isn't it? I think that's a golf term. Sports. A huge thank you to all of my patrons over on Patreon for supporting these videos, for supporting my channel. You guys mean the world to me. I'm so grateful for you guys and for the community that I have there. If you're interested in what Patreon is or if you'd like to become a member and support what I'm doing, here's a link on screen. There's also one linked down below. But most importantly to you watching this video right now. Thank you for spending a few minutes out of your day here with me today. You could be anywhere else in the world doing anything else and you chose to hang out with me for a few minutes. And that means the world to me. Thank you. I love you guys. I'm thinking about you and I will see you in the next video. Bye guys.