 Chapter 30 of the Life of St. Teresa. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Anne Boulet. The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus, translated by the Reverend John Dalton. Chapter 30. She resumes the history of her life and mentions how our Lord remedied many of her troubles by means of St. Peter of Alcantara, etc. When I observed the little or nothing I was able to affect towards resisting these great impestuousities, I began to fear my having them, for I could not understand how it was possible that pain and joy could be united. That corporal pain and spiritual joy were compatible, I knew very well, but that so excess of a spiritual pain could be compatible with so extraordinary spiritual joy did quite astonish me. Still, I did not omit resisting it, though yet I had such little power in this respect that I sometimes grew weary. I armed myself with a cross, with the desire of defending myself from him, who, by his death, defended and suckered us all. I saw that no one understood me, though I dared not to say so to anyone but my confessor. For then people would have had some reason to say that I had no humility. Our Lord was pleased to remedy a great part of my trouble, and for that time all of it, by bringing to Avila that blessed man, Father Peter of Alcantara, of whom I have already made mention and said something of his austerities. Among other things I was assured that for twenty years he continually wore a garment of iron plate in the form of a haircloth. He is the author of certain little books of prayer in Spanish, which are now much used. For, as he was well versed in prayer, he wrote very profitably on it and gave excellent rules to those who practiced it. He observed the first rule of St. Francis in all its rigor and did other things which I have mentioned before. When then a certain widow lady, who was a great servant of God and a particular friend of mine, came to know that so great a man was there. And as she was also aware of my troubles, for she was witness of my afflictions and had comforted me on several occasions, because her faith was so great that she could not help believing I was directed by the Spirit of God, though all others thought I was deceived by the devil. She had likewise a very good understanding and was very cautious in her words and knew how to keep a secret. And to her our Lord was pleased to show great favors in prayer and to give her a knowledge of those things, of which they who were learned were ignorant. My confessors gave me lead to treat with her on some matters, for she understood them in many ways, and sometimes she herself enjoyed part of those very favors which our Lord had bestowed upon me, together with having received certain instructions and admonitions which were very profitable to her soul. Without saying anything to me, she got leave from my provincial that I might remain in her house for eight days, in order to be able the better to consult this holy man. And so, both there and in several churches I spoke with him often, on this first occasion of his coming to Avila. For afterwards I corresponded with him on many occasions. Having given him a short account of my life and manner of prayer, with the greatest possible clearness, I found almost at the very first that he understood me by experience, which was indeed the only thing I stood in need of at that time. For then I could not so well understand those things, at least so far as to express them. I have always endeavored, however, to treat in truth and sincerity with those to whom I committed the care of my soul. I also wish to make known to them even the first motions of my heart, and as regards those things which might, in any way, be doubtful or suspicious, I was want to discuss them against myself with strong reasons. Hence I laid open my soul without any disguise or duplicity. Since that time, our Lord has been pleased to make me understand and to express the favors which His Majesty bestows upon me. But before, it was necessary to have a person who had experienced these things. If I wished him perfectly to understand me and to declare to me what was the meaning of everything. This good Father gave me very great light, for I could not by any means understand what those visions meant, which were not represented by the imagination. And I thought also that I understood as little of those others, which I saw only with the eyes of my soul. For, as I have said before, those only which were visible to the corporeal eye seem to me to be of any value. And of these I had received none at all. But this holy man enlightened me in everything and explained all things to me, and bade me not to be troubled, but to bless God, and to be assured I was directed by his spirit. And that, though it was no article of faith, yet nothing could be more certainly true, nor which I might more firmly believe. He seemed to feel much comfort in being with me, and he showed me every courtesy and kindness. And ever afterwards took great care of me and communicated his affairs to me. Finding also that I had the same desires which he had already put into execution, and that I was likewise full of courage, for our Lord had given me great resolution. He took particular pleasure in speaking with me. Whenever our Lord brings anyone to this state, there is no pleasure or comfort which can be equal to meeting with such another person, to whom our Lord has given some beginnings of the same disposition. For then I had not much more than a beginning, by what I can remember, and God grant that I may have it yet. He had also very great compassion for me, and he told me that one of the greatest afflictions of this life was that which I endured, these, the contradiction of good men, and that there was still a great deal for me to suffer, because I should always have need of help, and there was no one in that city who understood me, but that he would speak with my confessor, and was one of those also who gave me the most trouble. And this was that merry gentleman of whom I spoke before, and because he had a great esteem for me, he attacked me the most. He was, however, a man of a tender and holy soul, and considering that lately before he had found out how wicked I was, he could not rest satisfied or secure. The holy man did as he said, for he spoke with these two persons, and gave them reasons and proof to show they need not be uneasy, and that it was proper not to harass me anymore. My confessor needed few reasons, but the other gentlemen so many, that these were not altogether sufficient, though yet they served to deter him from terrifying me so much. We agreed that I should send Father Peter an account of the success I might meet with, from that time forward, and frequently to recommend one another to God, for so deep was his humility that he valued a little the prayers of this miserable creature, and this gave me great confusion. He left me in possession of very great comfort and joy, and told me to continue my prayer and security, and to make no doubt that it came from God. But that whenever I was in any doubt, I should, for my own greater security, mention whatever happened to my confessor, and that then I might consider myself safe. But notwithstanding all this, I could not rest so entirely secure, because our Lord was still pleased to conduct me by the way of fear, so that I was inclined to believe my prayer came from the devil. When people told me that it was so, and thus no one was able to give me either so much fear or so much security, as to make me give more credit to either of them, then our Lord was pleased to infuse into my soul. Hence, though this holy man both helped and consoled me, yet I did not believe him so entirely, as to be without any fear at all, especially when our Lord sometimes left me in troubles of mind, as I shall now relate, but as I was saying, I nevertheless enjoyed much comfort. I could not then satisfy myself with giving thanks to God and to my glorious Father, St. Joseph, who I thought had brought the good Father to Avila, for he was the commissary general of the convent of St. Joseph, to whom I used frequently to recommend myself, as also to our blessed Lady. It sometimes happened to me, and so it does still, though not so often, to find myself in such excessive troubles of mind, as to join with such violent pains and torments of the body, that I knew not what to do with myself. At other times, I have been subject to corporal miseries, yet more grievous, but as I had not then such sorrows of mind, I endured them with great joy, but when they came both together, the affliction was so great that it pained me exceedingly. I then forgot all the favors our Lord had bestowed upon me. There only remained such a remembrance of them, as of something I had dreamt, and this only served to give me so much more pain, for the understanding becomes dull to such a degree, that it made me fall into a thousand doubts and suspicions, thinking that I had not understood matters well before, and that perhaps I had followed fancies instead of truths, and that it was enough to be deceived myself without trying to deceive so many good men. I also seemed to myself to be very wicked, that we thought all the evils and heresies which had lately sprung up were owing to my sins. This was a false kind of humility, which the devil invented to disquiet me, and to try if he could bring my soul into despair, and I know so well by experience that this is the work of the devil, that now, as he finds I understand him, he does not so often torment me in this way, as he was accustomed to do. This temptation is easily discovered by the restlessness and disquiet with which it begins, and by the tumult which it causes in the soul all the time it lasts. Likewise, by the obscurity and trouble which it produces, and by a dryness and indisposition to prayer, or to any good at all, for it seems both to stifle the soul and to bind up the body, so that it is fit for nothing. But true humility, though the soul knows herself to be wicked, and is grieved in considering what we are, and exaggerates her wickedness as greatly as I have already mentioned, and through these her sins are felt to be such, comes not with any disorder, nor does it disturb the soul, or overcloud her, or cause in her any irritity, but rather comforts her and proceeds in a quite contrary way, with gentleness, sweetness, and delight. For though she is troubled on one hand, yet she is comforted on the other, to see what a great favor our Lord bestows upon her, in allowing her to feel that pain and in considering how well employed it is. She grieves indeed for having offended God, but then, on the other hand, His mercy cheers her up, and she has light to be confounded at herself, and to praise His majesty for having borne with her so long. But in that other humility which the devil suggests, there is no light for anything that is good, but it seems to the soul as if God were ready to put everyone to fire and the sword. He represents the divine justice to her, and though she has faith in God's mercy, because the devil has no power to destroy that, yet she believes in such a manner that her faith gives her no comfort, but rather when she considers God's great mercy, the tempter makes this serve for her greater torment, because she thinks she ought to have served God so much the more. This is a stratagem of the devil, and one of the most painful, the most subtle, and disguised that I have ever known, and therefore I wish a reverence, lest perhaps he might endeavor to tempt you in this way, to gain some light, and to know him well, if he leave you understanding enough to do so. But do not fancy that knowledge and learning will be sufficient for this purpose. For though I want all this, yet now as I have escaped from him, I clearly see that what he says is foolery and madness. I am sensible that our Lord is pleased to permit this temptation, and allow him leave to act thus, just as he tempted Job. Though, as I am so wicked a creature, he does not suffer the enemy to tempt me with so much fierceness. It happened to me once, and I remember it was on the day preceding the eve of Corpus Christi, a festival to which I am much devoted, though not so much as I ought to be. At that time this following event lasted but one day, but at other times it lasted for a week or a fortnight, and sometimes for three weeks or more, especially during Holy Week, which used to be my delight in point of prayer. Me thinks on these occasions, our Lord surprises my understanding in an instant with certain things, sometimes so very trivial, that other times I would only have laughed at them, and he makes it stoop to whatever he pleases, so that the soul remains chained to it, without being mistrust of herself, or being able to think of anything, except those impertenencies which the temptation represents, and which have no substance at all, but serve only to choke the soul in such a manner, as not to allow her to be mistrust of herself. Hence I sometimes have thought that the devil goes playing with a soul, as men would do with a ball, and she in the meantime has no means of delivering herself from their power. It cannot be expressed how much she suffers in this case, and though she goes and seeks for some remedy, God permits her not to have any. He only retains, and this she always does, the power of her free will, though it is not clear, but like a man who has his eyes shut, and just as a person who has frequently gone along the same way, who though it were by night in the dark, yet knows where he may be in danger of stumbling, because he had noticed the same path in the daytime, and thus he walks free from that danger. So it happens to the soul, who now seems merely through custom, not to offend God. I speak not here of that protection our Lord gives her, which, however, is of the greatest importance. Her faith then becomes dead, or at least asleep, as her other virtues also are, though yet they are not utterly lost, for she believes what the church teaches, and she pronounces it with her mouth. While on the other side, the devil so harasses and deadens this faith, she seems only to have such a knowledge of God as men have of things which they hear at a distance. Her love also is so lukewarm, that if she hears God spoken of, she harkens in such a manner as to believe he is what he is, because the church teaches the doctrine, but she has lost all memory of what she has experienced in herself. To go and pray, or remain in solitude, is only to increase her affliction, for the torment which she then feels within herself, and yet without knowing the cause, is, in my opinion, insupportable. It is a kind of picture of hell, as our Lord himself was once pleased to make me understand, in a vision he gave me. Here the soul burns within herself, without knowing by whom, or by what means she is set on fire, or how to escape from it, or how to quench it, for as to seeking to help herself by reading, it is like as if she could not read. I happen one day to read the life of a saint, to see if I could relish it, and thus comfort myself by the consideration of what he suffered. Accordingly I read half a dozen lines four or five times over, but though everything was written in my own tongue, I understood the account less at the end than I did at the beginning, and so I gave over reading. This happened to me many times, and I remember it particularly. To engage in conversation at that time is much worse, for the devil fills us with such an unbearable spirit of anger that it seems as if I could devour everyone without doing anything more. Yea, and me thinks I act well in forbearing to do it, and that God shows him who is placed in this circumstance a particular favor, by preserving him from doing or saying anything against his neighbor, whereby he might prejudice him and offend God. As to going to my confessor, what I shall here relate is certain, for it has happened to me very often, that though they were saints with whom I treated at that time, and do still consult, yet they uttered such harsh words and rebuked me with such asparity, that when I afterwards repeated their words, they themselves would be amazed at them, and they told me it was not in their power to do otherwise. For though they fully resolved within themselves not to do it, and at other times had not only compassion on me, but even a kind of scruple to treat me so severely, full of affliction both in body and mind, and though they had resolved to comfort me with kindness, yet they were not able to do it. They did not, however, use such ill language towards me as to offend God thereby, but they would use words as offensive as could be heard from a confessor, intending thereby to mortify me. And though at other times I could have endured this with joy, yet then it became a torment to me. Sometimes I thought I had deceived them, and I would go to them, and advise them in good earnest to be on their guard against me, lest I might deceive them. I knew well, however, that I would not willfully deceive them, nor tell them a lie. But the truth is, I was afraid of everything. There was a certain person who, having heard of this temptation of mine, advised me not to be troubled at it, for though I should wish to deceive him, yet that he would have sense enough for me. That which often gave me great comfort, at least most frequently, was that I used to have some respite after I had communicated, and sometimes in the very instant of approaching the Blessed Sacrament, I became so perfectly well both in soul and body, that it amazed me. For it seemed that all the darkness of my soul was dispersed in a moment, and that upon the rising of this sun, I immediately discovered those times by hearing only one word which our Lord spoke to me interiorly, such as, be not afraid, or be not afflicted, I remain perfectly well, and sometimes also by seeing some vision I became as if nothing ailed me. I then regaled myself with God and complained to him for permitting me to suffer such great torments, though he repaid me well, because these afflictions were always followed with a great abundance of favors. And since the soul here comes, like gold, pure and refined out of the crucible, by seeing our Lord within her, and then all those troubles are accounted little which before seemed insupportable, and she desires to suffer them again, if our Lord could be served the better by them, and even to endure still greater persecutions and tribulations, provided they could be endured without offending God, she rather rejoices to suffer for him, though I never did bear them as I ought, but very imperfectly. At other times, troubles came upon me in another way, and this too so suddenly, that me thinks I am then deprived of the possibility of thinking anything good, or of desiring to do it, for that I have a body and soul which are utterly useless and burdensome. But at these times, I am not subject to these other temptations and disquietes, but only to a disgust for all things, knowing why, so that nothing can give content to my soul. I endeavor on these occasions to occupy myself by the outward performance of some good works, and these I do as it were by force, and I know well how little a soul can do when God's grace is hidden from her. But this does not give me trouble, for it gives me some satisfaction to behold my own baseness. At other times, I find myself in such a state that I am utterly conformed to any distinct idea of God, nor indeed of any good in a solid manner, nor can I then apply myself to prayer, though I am alone, and am sensible, I know God. But I find it is my understanding and imagination which injure me on these occasions, for my will I think is good and is disposed to all good. But this understanding of mine is so entirely lost, that it seems to me like some mad fool whom no one can bind, so far a mistress of it as to make it quiet even for a few minutes. Sometimes I laugh at myself and acknowledge my misery, and look at my soul and allow her to do what she likes. But thanks be to God, she never for a wonder applies to what is bad, but only to things indifferent, if anything is to be done here or there or anywhere. And here I know better the exceeding great mercy our Lord shows me, when he holds this fool, the imagination, bound in perfect contemplation. I consider also what would become of me, if those persons who consider me to be good were to see me in the state I have described. I have great pity on the soul to see her in such bad company. I wish to see her at liberty, and thus I speak to our Lord. When, oh my God, shall I be able to see my soul united in singing thy praises? That so all her powers may enjoy thee. Permit her not, oh Lord, any more to be torn in pieces, for now it seems as if every one of them were running up and down in different ways. Such words I often repeat, and sometimes I know well that the little corporal health I have contributes much to these inconveniences. I also reflect much on the injury which original sin brought upon us. For me thinks it comes from this part that we are incapable of enjoying so great a good, and that my own sins likewise form a part of this cause. For if I had not committed so many, I should have remained more free in doing good. I also endured another very great inconvenience, for I thought that I understood all the books which treat on prayer, and which I read, and that as our Lord had already shown me such favors, I did not stand in need of these books, but applied myself to reading the lives of the saints. And finding how much I fell short of what they had done for God, this seemed to do me good in length, but yet I thought this a sign of little humility, that I should fancy that I had already arrived at that degree of prayer, and as I was not able to compose myself, I continued in great pain till certain learned men, especially that blessed Father Peter of Alcantara, declared to me that I was not to be troubled there at. I know well that I have not yet so much as begun to serve God, though by His Majesty conferring favors on me is what He does for good, and yet I am in perfection itself, unless in my desires to love Him. For in this respect I see well that our Lord has favored me, in order that I may be able to do something to serve Him. I certainly think I love Him, but my actions and the many imperfections I discover in myself give me great uneasiness. At other times my soul falls into a kind of foolery. This is the case when I think I do neither good nor ill, but follow on the track of other people as the saying is. And this neither with pain, nor with glory, nor with thought of life or death, nor with pleasure, nor with pain. She even seems to feel nothing at all. Rather, she appears to go on like a little ass, which feeds himself because they give him something to eat, and he eats almost without thinking what he is doing. And the soul, when she is in this state, cannot be without feeding on some great favors from God, even when she is not troubled with living in such a miserable life as this, but passes through it with patience and equality of mind. But these feelings and effects are not experienced by her in such a way that she can understand herself by them. It now seems to me as when men sail at sea by the breath of a very gentle wind, for then they move along without knowing how, and so in these other cases the effects are so very great that the soul almost instantly perceives her own and her desires immediately rise up and never can she satisfy herself. They experience these great impetuosities of love to whom our Lord gives them, and it is like certain little springs which I have observed to rise, where the sand never ceases to move upwards. This comparison seems natural to me, as applicable to souls who have arrived at this state. Love is ever boiling upwards and considering what it can do. It cannot contain itself just as the water is unable to remain in the earth, but is cast up from it. And so it is very usual with the soul not to be at rest in herself, through the love she has for God, with which she is so full that she wishes all other men would drink of it, since she herself has abundance, that so they might assist her in singing the praises of God. Oh, how often do I call to mind that living water of which our Savior spoke to the Samaritan woman. I am very fond of reading that part of the gospel containing the account. It is very true that I was so, even from my childhood, though I did not then understand the benefit as I do now. But I often besought our Lord to give me this water to drink, and I had a representation of it always near me with this motto, oh Lord, give me this water. It seems to me likewise that as a fire which is very great requires fuel to burn, in order not to be extinguished. So for these souls of which I am speaking it is necessary that they bring wood, however dear it may cost them in order that this fire may not go out. But I am such a miserable creature myself that I would be content if I had only straws to cast in. And so it often happens to me that sometimes I laugh, and at other times I am in great affliction. An interior impulse which I have is ever exciting me to serve God in something, since I am not capable of doing great things, such as by gathering flowers and making bouquets, and placing them around images and pictures, or by sweeping a room and doing such like little offices which might humble me. And so also if I did any penance it was also very little, and so imperfectly done, that unless our Lord had been pleased to accept the desire for the deed I saw clearly that I was good for nothing, and I quite laugh at myself. Again it gives no small trouble to souls whom God in His goodness abundantly fills with this fire of His love if they have no corporal strength to do something for Him. This indeed is a great affliction because as strength is wanting to carry wood to this fire, it seems to me that the soul burns herself to ashes or else dissolves into tears and so is entirely consumed. This is a severe torment though indeed it is sweet. Let the soul who has arrived at this state praise our Lord exceedingly, and if He had given her corporal strength to do penance or learning in talents and power to preach and hear confessions and bring souls to God, she knows not nor understands the great benefit she possesses unless she feel what an affliction it is always to be receiving so much from God, and yet to be unable to do anything for His service, may He be blessed by all men, and may the angels give Him glory and honor. Amen. I know not whether I do well in writing about so many little things, but since your reverence has commanded me not to consider it any trouble to go into details, and that I must be sure to omit nothing, I have mentioned everything which I can remember with clearness and with truth. I cannot help however omitting many other things, the recital of which would take much more time, and you know I have but little at my command as I have mentioned already, and when I had related them, they would perhaps be of little benefit to you. End of chapter 30 Chapter 31 of The Life of St. Teresa This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Ann Boulet The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the reverend John Dalton Chapter 31 She treats of certain exterior temptations and representations of the devil, etc. As I have already spoken of some interior and secret temptations which the devil brought on me, so now I wish to speak of others which were in some manner public and in which one could not be ignorant that the evil spirit was the agent. I was once in a certain oratory when he appeared to me on my left side in an abominable figure. I observed his mouth in particular while he spoke to me and it was most terrible for it seemed to me that a very great flame came out of his body. He told me in a terrible manner that though I had escaped his hands yet he would bring me back again. I was exceedingly terrified but I blessed myself as well as I could and he vanished away. But presently he returned again. This happened to me twice and I knew not what to do. But as I had some holy water near me I threw it towards the place where he was and he never returned more. Another time he was for five hours together tormenting me with terrible pains, joined with such interior and exterior disquiet that it seemed impossible for me to endure it. The women who were then with me were astonished to see what passed but they knew not what to do nor could I help myself. The problem is when any corporal sickness or pain is very intolerable to make certain acts of resignation within myself as well as I can, beseeching our lord that his majesty may be pleased to give me patience and that I may so suffer if he please even until the end of the world. Whenever then I found myself suffering with so much pain I helped myself by making some such acts and resolutions that so I might bear it the better. For lord was pleased I should understand that I was tempted by the devil for I saw near me a very horrible little negro, gnashing his teeth like one raging mad as if he had lost something which he hoped to have gained. As soon as I saw him I laughed and showed no fear at all for there were some persons near who knew not what to do with me in this case nor what remedy to apply for so great a torment for the blows he made me give myself were very severe and I had no power at all to resist him and what was still worse I felt so great inward disquiet that I could in no way find any rest neither did I dare ask for holy water lest I should terrify those who were present or let them know what the matter was I have often found by experience that there is nothing from which the devils fly more quickly and return not again than from holy water they fly also from across but return immediately certainly the power of holy water must be great for my part my soul feels a particular comfort in taking it and very generally a refreshment and interior delight which I cannot express and which comfort my whole soul this is no fancy or a thing which has happened to me only once it has happened very often and been observed by me with great attention it seems like as if a person who was suffering from heat and thirst should drink a glass of cold water which would greatly refresh him I consider also that whatever is ordained by the church is of much importance and it is a subject of great delight to me that those words which the church uses when she blesses the water should be so powerful in making such a difference between blessed and unblessed water I told those who were present as my torment did not cease that if they would not laugh at me I would beg some holy water of them they brought me some and sprinkled me with it but it did me no good I sprinkled some myself in the place where the devil was and in an instant he departed and all my pains went away also as if someone had removed them with his hand except that I found myself as tired as if I had been severely beaten I afterwards considered that if the devil when our Lord permits him is able to do so much mischief to us in body and soul even when we are not his will he do to them who shall fall entirely into his power this consideration gave me fresh desires to be free from such ill company another time and that very lately the same thing happened to me when I was alone though it did not last long then also I drove the devil away by holy water two nuns who came into the room after he had departed said that they smelt a very disagreeable stench as a brimstone and these persons were well worthy of credit for on no account would they tell an untruth I myself however did not smell anything though I was told that the smell continued so long that others might have perceived it another time I was in the choir when I fell into a state of deep recollection and I went away less others might perceive it but all the nuns who were near heard great blows given in the place where I was kneeling I also heard persons talking near me as if they were debating about business though I understood not the conversation for I was so fixed in prayer that I understood nothing neither had I any fear this used to happen almost every time when our Lord did me the favor to confer a benefit on some soul or other by my advice it is certain that something happened to me once which I shall now relate and there are many witnesses of it especially my present confessor for he read it in a letter without my telling him who the person was that wrote the letter though he knew well who the individual was a certain person came to me who had lived about two and a half years in a most abominable mortal sin and during all that period he neither confessed it nor reformed himself but yet he presumed to say mass and though he confessed his other sins yet respecting that one he used to say to himself how can I ever confess so foul a crime still he was desirous of freeing himself from it but knew not how I took great compassion on him and was grieved to see God offended in such a way I promised him to beg of God to grant him some remedy and that I would prevail on others also to do the same who were much better than myself I accordingly wrote to a certain person about him sending my letter by the individual himself and so it happened by this first letter he confessed his sin and thus God was pleased by the prayers of my holy persons I also miserable sinner that I am not failing to beg this favor the best I could to extend his mercy to this soul the individual wrote to inform me that he was already so far reformed that some days had passed in which he had not returned to the sin but that the torment which the temptation caused was so great that he considered himself to be in a kind of hell and therefore that I must still recommend him to God upon this I again recommended him to my sisters by whose prayers our Lord was pleased to do me the favor for they took the matter exceedingly to heart no one could guess who the person was and I besought his majesty to lessen his torments and temptations and that those devils might come and torment me provided that I might not offend our Lord in anything and it is quite true that shortly after this I endured most grievous torments for a month and these two afflictions which I have mentioned happened at that time but our Lord was pleased as I have since learned that the devils should not afflict that person anymore his soul was strengthened and became quite free so that he could not be satisfied with giving thanks to our Lord and to me also as if I had done anything the conviction however which he had that our Lord sometimes bestowed favors on me might have been of some benefit to him I used to say that whenever he found himself greatly assaulted he was accustomed to read my letters and that then the temptation immediately left him he was much amazed to hear what I suffered and the manner how he himself came to be free may our Lord be praised by all men for the prayers of those who truly serve him as I believe my sisters do in this house can do much but because I had procured those prayers the devils were exasperated against me and our Lord permitted it for my sins about this time one night I thought they would have strangled me but as soon as I had a quantity of holy water sprinkled on me I saw a multitude of them falling as it were headlong and running away in despair so frequently do these cursed spirits torment me and so little is the fear I now have for them seeing that they are not so much as able to stir unless our Lord give them leave then I should weary your reverence if I related anything what I have already said may serve to show us that a true servant of God need give himself little trouble about these scarecrows which the devils set up in order to make us fear them let him be assured that every time they see we despise them they have less strength against us and the soul acquires more power over them some great advantage is also gained which I will not hear relate less I should be too tedious but I will only relate what happened to me at night on all souls being in an oratory and having recited matins and also those other devout prayers which are at the end of them in our brevery the devil put himself on the book that I might not finish the prayer but I blessed myself and then he went away I began again and he returned again and I think the like happened three times and until I had thrown some holy water at him I could not succeed in driving him away I saw that some souls were freed from purgatory at that moment and that little was wanting for their deliverance and I thought that the devil wished to raise some obstacle it is seldom that I have seen the devil in any particular form but many times I have seen him without form as I did a vision for as I have mentioned one sees very clearly that he is there without form this I wish to relate because I was greatly astonished there at being one day in a certain monastery and in the choir upon Trinity Sunday I was in a rapture and saw a great contention of devils against angels I knew not at the time what this vision meant but before a fortnight I understood the contention by a great disagreement which happened between some persons who were given to prayer and many others who were not so and there came a great deal of harm to the house on account of this contention which continued long and cause much confusion at another time I saw a multitude round about me but it seemed to me that I was encompassed with a great light which did not allow them to approach me I understood by this that our Lord kept them from coming near me in such a way that they might not make me offend God but what I had sometimes found in myself I understood it was a true vision the fact is that now I know well what little power they have whenever I am not against God that I do not fear them at all for their strength is a mere nothing unless they find the souls whom they attack to be cowardly and that they yield to them then indeed they show their power sometimes in the temptations I have already mentioned it seems that all the vanities and weaknesses of my former life revive within me so that I have need to recommend myself frequently to God then I was presently tormented that all came from the devil till at last my confessor comforted me for then it seemed to me that even the first motion of an evil thought ought not to be entertained by one who had received such great favors from our Lord at other times I am tormented to see myself so much esteemed and especially now that eminent person should esteem me so much and speak such good things of me in this I have suffered and still suffer much and presently I consider the life of Christ and of the saints and me thinks I walk in a way very contrary to theirs because they endured nothing but contempt and injuries this consideration makes me so fearful that I can scarcely dare to raise up my head and would be glad not to be seen this does not happen to me when I am suffering persecution however much I may be afflicted in body and mind for then my soul seems to be mistraced in such a way that I know not how it can be that one seems to be in her kingdom and to tread all things under her feet this happens sometimes and lasted many days and it appeared to me to be virtue and humility but now I am sensible it was a temptation and a Dominican father who was a learned man declared this to me very clearly when I thought that those favors which our Lord was pleased to show me would be publicly known it was so excessive a torment to me willingly I thought I could more willingly have consented to be buried alive so when I began to have those very great recollections and raptures in such a way that it was impossible for me to resist them I remained afterwards so confounded with shame that I wished to be where no one could see me being once extremely afflicted at this our Lord asked me what was I so afraid of only one of these two things could happen in this matter these either that they would murmur against me or else that men would praise him meaning that they who believed it would praise him and that they who did not believe it would condemn me without any fault of mine and that as both these things would prove an advantage to me I had no reason to be thus troubled these words comforted me very much and do comfort me still whenever I call them to mind the temptation went so far that I was desirous of leaving this place and of retiring to some other monastery which was much more enclosed than that in which I am at present and I liked it the more because I had heard it praised exceedingly and it is also a house of my order and very far off and this it is which comforts me to be in a place where I am unknown but my confessor would never give his consent these fears greatly deprived me of liberty of spirit and afterwards I came to understand that this was no good humility since it gave me so much disquiet our Lord then taught me this truth that if I were convinced and assured I had no good whatever in me but that it all came from God it would follow that just as I was not sorry to hear other persons praise but was rather glad and greatly comforted that in them God made himself manifest so neither should I be sorry that his work should be shown in me also I fell also into another extreme which was to beg of God making particular prayer for this purpose that when any person should entertain a good opinion of me his majesty would be pleased to declare my sins to him in order that he might see how without any merit of mine it had pleased our Lord to show me favors and this I always earnestly desire my confessor bade me not to ask it but hitherto till very lately if I saw anyone who had a very good opinion of me I made known my sins to him by circumlocutions or by whatever way I could and by this means I thought I found ease a scruple however was raised in my mind thereby for in my opinion this proceeded not from humility but from a temptation many persons came to me and it seemed that I deceived them all and they were indeed deceived if they thought there was any good whatever in me still I had no desire to deceive them nor did I ever intend any such thing but our Lord allows it for some object nor would I ever have mentioned any of these matters even to my confessors had I not been convinced it was necessary otherwise I should have had great scruples but now I perceive that all these fears and troubles and excess of humility do savor of much imperfection and proceed from a wands of mortification for a soul perfectly resigned into the hands of God is no more troubled at being spoken ill of than well of if once she is deeply convinced and our Lord wishes to grant her this grace that she has nothing at all of herself but let her confide in him who imparts this favor and she will know why he discovers it and in the meantime let her prepare herself for persecution for she will certainly meet with it in such an age as this and our Lord wishes to make it known that he bestows such favors on her on one of such souls a thousand eyes are fixed whereas there will not be one fixed on a thousand other souls who act in a different way there is really much reason to fear and this ought to have been my fear for the other was not humility but pusillanimity a soul which God thus permits to be exposed to the eyes of the world should prepare herself to be a martyr of that same world for if she will not die to it she will die by it I see nothing in this world which seems good to me except that it does not allow the least imperfection in virtuous souls and thus by means of their murmurs against them they become more perfect but there is need of greater fortitude for one who is yet imperfect to walk on in the way of perfection than even to become a martyr at once perfection is not acquired in a short time unless by someone our lord by a particular privilege may be pleased to grant this favor but when the world sees a person beginning to wish to be perfect then it immediately considers him quite perfect and will notice any fault in him however trifling and will perhaps condemn him for that which in reality is a virtue and the person who condemns him may be accustomed to commit the self same fault through a bad habit judging of others by himself thus people wish as soon as they see an individual resolve to serve God that he should neither eat nor sleep nor even draw breath if possible and the more they esteem such a person the more apt they are to forget that however perfect a soul may be she is still in the body and lives upon the earth subject to all the miseries thereof even should she tread the whole world under her feet therefore do I still say there is need of great courage because the world wishes a poor soul to fly which has not yet begun to walk she has not yet overcome her passions and still people will expect her to remain in great temptations as firm and as solid as they have read the saints did after they had been confirmed in grace here we have reason to praise God and at the same time to be afflicted to the heart to see so many souls turn back again and say no not poor creatures what to do for themselves so I believe such would have been my case if our lord in his infinite mercy had not supported me till he did so out of his own goodness your reverence has already seen that I did nothing but rise and fall I would gladly be able to relate how this happened because I am persuaded that many souls are deceived in wishing to fly before God gives them wings I have already made use of this comparison but it suits my subject very well for I find many persons much afflicted on this account as for instance when they begin with great desires and resolutions to go forward in the way of virtue and some abandon even everything for love thereof as the exterior goes and when they see others more advanced than themselves and raised by the graces God has bestowed on them to a degree of virtue they cannot attain treat in books which treat a prayer in contemplation the means of arriving there at and which they find themselves incapable of practicing then they are afflicted and lose courage these means are to care little or nothing about being spoken ill of but rather to take more pleasure in it than when they praise us to have little esteem for honors to be disengaged from kindred and not to be desirous in conversing with them unless they be people of prayer and so with regard to many other things of this kind which must in my opinion be given by God because they appear to me to be supernatural blessings and very contrary to our natural inclinations but let them not be afflicted but trust in the Lord that so what they now have in desires his majesty may afterwards be pleased to give them in effect by means of prayer and by doing on their part what they can it is very necessary for this weak nature of ours to have great confidence and not be dismayed but to remember that if we act with courage we shall come off with victory and because I have much experience in this matter I will speak a word or two to your reverence by way of advice and you must not think though it may appear to be true that this virtue can be gained unless we have first experienced the contrary to it we must always be fearful and careful as long as we live for our weakness will stick close to us unless as I was saying before grace is given to us that we may know the value of every earthly good and that in this life there can be no advantage which is not attended with many dangers it seemed to me some few years ago that not only was I not attached to my relations but rather that I was weary of them and it is very certain that there were times when I could not so much as the conversation but afterwards there arose a business of great importance which obliged me to remain with the sister of mine whom I had formerly loved with great affection but when I came again to converse with her we did not remain long together for though she was better than I was yet as her state was different from mine since she was married the conversation was not always what I could have wished and therefore I endeavored to be alone as much as I could also that her affairs gave me much trouble and care than those of my neighbors and so I came to understand that I was not so free as I thought I was but that it was still necessary for me to avoid occasions of sin in order that this virtue which our Lord had begun to give me might increase and I have endeavored through his favor to proceed in this manner ever since when our Lord begins to give virtue to a soul it ought to be held in great esteem and on no account should we expose it to the danger of being lost this holds good in things regarding our reputation and honor and in many other cases be your reverence assured that we who think ourselves to be entirely disengaged from all things are not so in reality and hence we have great need to be careful in this respect for whoever feels in himself any care for the point of honor let him believe me if he wished to gain profit to his soul that there is at the end of it a chain which no file can divide but God's grace united with prayer and our own endeavors and this chain seems to me so strong that I am not surprised at the evil it produces I know some persons whose actions are so holy and so great that we cannot help admiring them and exclaiming oh my God how comes it that such a soul is still upon the earth is she not already at the top of perfection what is this what can keep such a soul on earth which does such great things for God I answer some point of honor detains her and what is still worse she is unwilling to believe there is any such thing and this happens because the devil makes her think that she is obliged to take care of it but let people listen to me for the love of our Lord I beg of them to believe me a poor little miserable aunt whom our Lord wishes to speak assured that unless they free themselves from this caterpillar though it may not destroy the tree entirely because some other virtues perhaps remain though warm eaten yet it will never be a beautiful tree nor will it ever flourish in itself no nor even allow any others to flourish that grow near it because the fruit of good example which it gives is not wholesome nor does it last long I say again and again when any point of honor is to be maintained however inconsiderable it may be it is like the stop of an organ when the tone is not correct the whole of the sound is grating this is a matter which does harm in every way but in this way of prayer it is a very pestilence for then we endeavor to join ourselves to God by the way of union and we desire to follow the councils of Christ loaded with injuries and false testimonies and yet at the same time we wish to be very careful with our honor and reputation but it is not possible ever to arrive at our journey's end without walking along the same road our Lord went our Savior then comes to a soul when we endeavor to correspond with His grace and to give up in many things even that which is our right but some perhaps will say I have no opportunity of this kind to give up something for His sake I believe that whosoever has such a resolution as this our Lord will not suffer him to lose so great a good His majesty will ordain things in so many ways in order to gain this virtue that he will wish he had not so many opportunities let us all then put our hands to the work for I wish to inform you that those miserable nothings or at least some of them which I performed those straws of which I have spoken and which I cast into the fire and which were fit for nothing else are all accepted by our Lord may He be praised forever amongst my other imperfections I was subject to this I had very little knowledge of the Brevary and of all that was to be performed in the choir and this happened by my being so careless and so given to vanities while at the same time I saw other novices who were able to teach me I did not ask them any questions for fear they should discover my ignorance but shortly after a good example was presented to me and this favor is usually granted by God for when He had opened my eyes a little I then asked when I was in the least doubt though I may have known the thing very well the little children to inform me and so far from lessening myself in their esteem our Lord was rather pleased in my opinion to give me a better memory I was also a bad singer and I was troubled if I had not learnt what I was commanded not through fear of making any blunders in the presence of God for that would have been a virtue but because so many heard me and thus I was so disturbed purely about my reputation that I really acquitted myself much worse than I need have done afterwards I thought it better to tell the sisters plainly that I could not sing well which was really the case at first I had some difficulty even in this but afterwards I took pleasure in doing it and thus it is quite true that when a soul begins not to care about her faults being known she performs her duty much better and when I renounced this unhappy desire of honor which I fancied I could acquire in singing and which everyone places where he likes I began to sing much better than before and thus by performing such poor little acts as these his majesty is pleased to give them worth and value because they are done for his sake though in reality they are nothing and I am sure I am nothing he also helps us to perform greater things and so it happened to me in matters concerning humility by seeing that all the sisters advanced except myself for I was never good for anything when however they left the choir I would stay to fold their mantles for it seemed to me as if they were angels who were there singing the praises of our lord this I continued to do till they came to hear of it and then I was not a little ashamed for my virtue was not so far advanced as to desire they might know the circumstance not because I was humble but only less they might laugh at me because I was so completely good for nothing oh my lord what confusion ought I not to have in beholding so much wickedness and encountering such little miserable grains of sand which I did not even raise from the earth for thy honor but all was wrapped in a thousand imperfections for the water of thy grace had not yet flowed from beneath those sands to make them rise up oh my creator would that I had something valuable to mention among so many sins since I have been commanded to relate those great favors which I have received from thee oh my lord it is true that I know not how my heart can endure the thought nor how any person who reads this account can help a boring me when he sees such immense favors so ill repaid and that I am not ashamed to mention these services as if they were mine but my not having anything else to mention which I could call my own makes me declare these base beginnings of mine in order that whoever may have made greater and better beginnings may have good hopes since he who has accepted my poor beginnings as a kind of payment will certainly accept those others which are so much better than mine may his majesty give me grace not always to continue in these things which are only beginnings amen End of Chapter 31 Chapter 32 of the life of Saint Teresa this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Anne Boulay the life of Saint Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the Reverend John Dalton Chapter 32 the Saint mentions how our Lord was pleased to show her in spirit the place which had been prepared for her in hell and which she had deserved by her sins after our Lord have bestowed many favors upon me which I have already related as well as many others which were very great he was pleased that one day while I was at prayer I should find myself without knowing how in a moment lodged in hell I understood that our Lord was pleased to let me see the place which the devils had prepared for me there and which I had deserved by my sins this lasted for only a very short time but yet if I should live many years it seems impossible to forget such a place the entrance seem to be like a long close alley or rather like a low dark and narrow oven and the ground appeared to be like mire exceedingly filthy, stinking insupportably and full of a multitude of loathsome vermin at the end of it there was a certain hollow place as if it had been a kind of a little press in the wall into which I found myself thrust and close pent up all that I have said might pass for delightful in comparison with what I felt in this press the torment was so dreadful that no words can express the least part of it I felt a fire in my soul which I cannot express or describe as it was in reality under most grievous torments almost insupportable which I have endured by the shrinking up of all my sinews and by other ways which in the judgment of physicians were the greatest that could be suffered in any corporeal way in this world and some also as I have said which were caused by the devil were all a mere nothing in comparison with what I suffered there joined with the dismal thought that all this suffering was to be without an end or intermission and even this is still nothing if compared with a continual agony the soul suffers that pressing, that stifling that anguish so exceedingly sensible together with such desperate torturing, discontent and disgust that I cannot express it to say it is a butchering or rendering of the soul is to say little for this would seem to express a violence used by some other agent to destroy her but here she is her own executioner and even tears herself in pieces I saw not who it was that tormented me but I seem to find myself both burnt and cut in pieces all at once and in so dreadful a place there was no room for the least hope of once meeting with any comfort or ease neither was there any such thing as sitting or lying down thus was I thrust into this place like a hole in the wall and these walls which are also most horrible to the site press in upon their prisoner so that everything chokes and stifles there there is nothing but thick darkness without the least glimpse of light and yet I know not how it is though there is no light yet once sees all that can afflict the site our lord was not pleased I should see any more of hell at that time but afterwards I had another vision of most terrible things as punishments inflicted for certain particular vices and these as far as I could judge of them by the site seemed to be more hideous than the former but as I did not feel the pain they did not give me so much fear but in this other vision our lord was pleased that I should really feel those torments and that affliction of spirit as if my very body had been suffering them I knew not how all this could be but I understood very clearly that it was a great favor and that our lord was pleased I should see it by the light of my own eyes from what place his great mercy had delivered me it is nothing to have heard people talk of hell nor to have meditated on several kinds of torments all is nothing to this since it is quite a different thing and indeed the torments of this world are no more than a mere picture and the burning here in this life is but a trifle in comparison with the fire of hell I was so astonished and amazed at this site and so now while I am writing though it happens six years ago that at the thought of it my blood seems to chill in my veins through fear and whatever troubles or pains I now suffer if I do but call to my remembrance what I then endured immediately all that can be suffered in this life seems to be nothing at all I therefore say again that this was one of the greatest favors which our lord has ever shown me for it has been a very great benefit to me both in making me lose all fear about the tribulations and contradictions of this life and giving me strength to bear them and also in teaching me to give thanks to our lord for delivering me as I may now hope from those dreadful and never-ending torments since that time all seems easy to me in comparison of one moment of such suffering as I endured there I wondered that having so often read books which give an account of some of the torments of hell I yet feared them so little and did not regard them as I ought to have done considering in what state I was then I was also astonished to see how it was possible for me to take pleasure in anything that was likely to bring me at last to so bad a place be thou eternally blessed oh my god for how well hast thou made it appear that thou disloved me in comparably better than I did myself how often oh lord hast thou delivered me from that dark horrible dungeon and how often have I returned to cast myself in there again even against thy will hence I feel very great pain for the many souls which are condemned to this prison especially for the Lutherans because they had once been members of the church by their baptism this was followed by strong impulses to do good to souls so that it seems to me very certain that for the delivery of any one of them from such excessive torments I could very willingly suffer many deaths I consider that if we see a person in this world whom we love dearly in any great pain or affliction it seems that our natural disposition invites us to compassion and therefore to see a soul which is forever to endure that supreme affliction and misery of all miseries who shall be able to bear it surely no heart can endure it without great grief and since in this world we are moved to so much compassion for those whose misery at the farthest is to end with their lives I know not how we can be at rest considering what a vast number of souls the devil daily takes with him to hell this also makes me desire that in a business of so great importance we should not be satisfied with less than doing all we can on our part and leaving nothing unattempted and I beseech our lord to give us his grace for this purpose when I consider that although I was formerly very wicked yet I was somewhat careful to serve God nor did I then commit certain sins which are swallowed down by the world as if they were nothing and though I had endured most dreadful sickness with much patience that our lord gave me and I was also not inclined to murmur or to detract or to speak ill of anybody nor was I covetous or envious as far as I can remember in any way so as grievously to offend God though I was so wicked I usually had the fear of God before me yet notwithstanding all this I see where the devils have provided me a lodging hence I conclude that it is a dangerous thing we should take our pleasure here and that a soul ought to take no rest which is frequently falling into mortal sin let us for the love of God remove all occasions thereof for our lord will help us as he has done me may his majesty vouchsafe to hold me fast in his hand that so I may not relapse anymore for in that case I see to what place I must go but I beseech our lord not to suffer such a calamity to happen for the sake of what his majesty is Amen having now seen all these great things and heard many secrets which our lord through his mercy was pleased to show me concerning the glory which is prepared for the good and the torments prepared for the wicked and desiring therefore to find out some way and method whereby I might do penance for all the sins I have committed and be enabled to do something towards obtaining so great a glory I was desirous of flying from the world and avoiding once for all the company of men my heart could find no rest but this restlessness was not troublesome to me but sweet and delightful it was evident he came from God and that his majesty had given sweet enough to my soul for digesting other stronger meats than she had before eaten and now I began to consider what I could do for God the first thing I thought of was to follow the call which he had given me to a religious life and to observe my rule with the greatest possible perfection and though there were in the house where I lived many servants of God by whom he was greatly served yet as they were in great want of temporal means many of the nuns were often obliged to go abroad to seek assistance still they did so with all due decorum and piety and besides that house was not founded according to the first rigor of the rule but that rule only was observed which was conformable with the rest of the order according to the bull of the pope granting a relaxation there were also some other inconveniences it seemed to me also that the place was too good as the house was large and pleasant but the inconvenience of leaving the monastery had become very troublesome to me though formerly I had frequently indulged in it because some persons whose wishes the superiors could not refuse were pleased that I should accompany them when they went out and the superiors being importuned by them commanded me to do so and thus by this means I grew accustomed to remain but seldom in the monastery the devil also was sure to be instrumental in helping me not to remain at home for by my imparting to some of the religious there what I had learnt from those with whom I used to converse they derive much advantage being once in the house with a certain person she happened to say both to me and to others what would you think if we were to become nuns like those who are called discoused for it might be possible to form a monastery of that kind as I had the same desires I began to talk over the matter with this widow who was my companion and of whom I have spoken before for she had the same desires as myself she then began to consider how she could endow the monastery with rent but I soon saw there was no great probability of it though the desire she had of doing so made us believe it might be possible but I, on the other hand as I found the greatest pleasure in the house where I was because it was in accordance with my own satisfaction and the cell in which I dwelt was very convenient delayed all I could the execution of my design though we did resolve to recommend it earnestly to Almighty God one day after I had communicated his majesty earnestly commanded me to endeavor to accomplish this object with all my strength promising me at the same time that the monastery should certainly be established and that he would be greatly served in it that it should be called by the name of St. Joseph that he himself would guard us at one gate and his mother our lady at another that he would continue with us and that the place would become like a star which of itself would shine with great splendor and that though other convents were then relaxed yet men must not think he was but little served therein and what would become of the world were it not for religious orders I was told to inform my confessor of all that had been said to me and that our Lord wished him not to oppose my design nor put any obstacle in the way this vision was followed by such great effects that the words used therein were uttered in such a manner that I could not possibly doubt of there having come from God still I experienced the greatest affliction because all the labors and trials this project would cost were represented to me I considered how extremely happy I was in my first house and though formerly I began to think about this matter it was not with any determination and certainty that it would succeed it seemed however that the reward I should have for accomplishing it was placed before me yet when I foresaw what great trouble the undertaking would give me I began to doubt about what I should do but our Lord again spoke to me so many times on this subject and represented to me so many reasons for undertaking it that I saw clearly it was his will I should do so and I thought of nothing else but acquainting my confessor with the matter and I gave him in writing what had taken place he did not dare expressly to command me to abandon the project but saw little hopes of accomplishing it judging humanly because my companion who was the person to commence the work had but little means he told me to speak on the subject with my superior and that I should do exactly as he told me but I did not mention these visions to that superior the lady however spoke to him on the matter and told him she wished to erect a new monastery the provincial very readily gave his consent for he was a friend to all religious orders and so he gave all the liberty and power that were necessary and told her that he would admit and accept the house they then settled the revenue which the house was to have and we never wished the community to consist of more than 13 religious and this for many reasons but before we finally settled the matter we wrote to that holy man Friar Peter of Alcantara and told him all that had passed he advised us to proceed with our design and not abandon it and gave us his opinion upon the whole affair but as soon as our intention began to be known in the town there instantly arose such a violent storm of persecution as cannot be described in words the scoffs the jeers the laughter the exclamations that it was a ridiculous silly undertaking were more than I can describe they said it was better for me to remain where I was but they persecuted my companion to such a degree that they quite afflicted her as for myself I knew not what to do for it seemed as if they had some reason for what they did in this distress I recommended myself to God and then his majesty began to comfort and encourage me and told me that now I might see through what difficulties those saints had passed who were the founders of religious orders in the church and that I was to suffer many more persecutions than I could imagine but that I must not be troubled at them he told me also some things which I was to tell my companion and that which astonished me most was that we were instantly consoled respecting what had passed and encouraged to bear up against all trials that were to come I am quite certain that there was hardly any person of prayer who did not oppose us and indeed all in the town were entirely against us and all thought the undertaking was a most foolish thing the trouble and disturbance which the affair excited in the monastery were so great that even the provincial thinking it would be rash to act in opposition to everyone changed his former opinion and was now unwilling to admit the foundation of the house he said the revenue was too small and also not very certain and that the opposition was too great he seemed to have reason on his side in a word he gave up the affair altogether and would not admit the house we who had already received the first blows on our head were greatly troubled at this change in the provincial and especially was I afflicted to see the provincial opposed to us for had he approved of the undertaking then everyone would have freed me from blame but to my companion people were not so favorable they left her to herself for they said she was bound to take away the scandal she went therefore to a very learned man who was a great servant of God and belonged to the order of Saint Dominic and told him all that had passed and gave him an account of the whole business this happened before the provincial had given it up for now no one in the whole town would give us his opinion on the matter and therefore they might justly assert as indeed they did that the project originated only in my own head but this lady gave the holy man an account of the whole affair and mentioned that the revenue she intended to settle on as Terry came out of her own estate she wished he would assist us because he was the most learned man in the town at that time and there were few so learned in the whole order I told him likewise all that we intended to do and gave him some reasons for the undertaking but I did not mention any of my revelations I only dwelt on those natural motives which struck me because I wish him not to give any opinion but what was conformable to them he answered that he wished to have eight days to consider the matter he also asked us whether we were determined to do whatever he should tell us and I assured him we were but though I said so much Amy thinks I would have done as I promised yet never did I lose the confidence that the monastery would be established the faith and confidence of my companion were still greater than my own for whatever people might say to her she was resolved never to give up the project but though I considered it was quite certain the work would be done so deeply was I convinced the above revelation was true provided that it contained nothing against holy scripture or the decrees of the church which we are bound to observe yet though I consider the revelation was really from God still if this learned man had told me that we could not affect our design without offending our Lord and going against a good conscience I think I should instantly have abandoned it and sought for some other means but our Lord gave me no other but this this servant of God told me some time afterwards that he had carefully considered the matter and had come to the resolution of doing all in his power to induce us to abandon the undertaking because the opposition of the people had already come to his ears and also because everyone considered it to be a foolish thing a certain gentleman as soon as he heard that we intended to speak to the Father sent word to him and advised him to consider well what he did for he would not help us but now when he began to consider what answer he should return and to reflect seriously on the matter and upon the intention we had and what regularity and devotion we intended to introduce into the monastery he came to the conclusion that its establishment would tend much to the honor of God and that we should on no account abandon our object and hence he advised us to make all possible haste to bring the matter to a conclusion and he gave us his own opinion as to the best method we should adopt and he told us that though the revenue was small God was to be trusted and that whoever opposed the design should be sent to him for he knew well what answer to give and thus he always assisted us as I shall afterwards declare with these words we went away much comforted and we found that some holy ones who had before been opposed to us were now much more satisfied and quiet and amongst them was that devout cavalier of whom I have made mention above who knowing that our order aimed at great perfection as indeed it does because it is holy founded on prayer he gave us his opinion that however difficult the means seem to be having no appearance of success yet it may happen to be an undertaking inspired by God now our Lord may have disposed him to be of this mind and the priest also that servant of God who was the first as I mention to give his opinion and who is a pattern for all the town and one whom God preserves there for the advancement of many souls this person now came forward to assist me in the business we had thus so far succeeded by the help of many prayers for we bought a house though a small one in a good part of the town but its smallness did not trouble me at all for our Lord had told me before that I should take possession as well as I could and that afterwards I should see what his majesty would do and this promise I have seen strictly performed and thus though I found we had but little means yet I believed our Lord would so arrange matters that we should be assisted in other ways End of Chapter 32 Chapter 33 of the life of Saint Teresa this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Ann Boulet the life of Saint Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the Reverend John Dalton Chapter 33 the saint continues the history of the foundation of Saint Joseph's monastery etc when the business was now so far advanced and so near being completed that the deeds were to be drawn up the very next day it happened that just then our Father Provincial changed his opinion and I believe he was moved there too by divine providence as we shall see afterwards because as our prayers were so numerous it seems our Lord was perfecting the work and arranging things in such a way that it might be accomplished in a different manner but as the Provincial was unwilling to admit the house my confessor immediately commanded me to think no more about the matter but our Lord knows what great troubles and afflictions I had to endure before I could bring the business to its present state but as it was now abandoned all the former objections were confirmed these that the project was the foolishness of women etc and I had to bear all their complaints and murmurs though up to this time the Provincial had commanded the business to be done in the meantime I was in a very bad odor in the house where I was because I wished to have more enclosure in the monastery they said that I affronted them by my new project that God could be as well served there as in another place that there were persons much better than myself that I had no love for the house that I should have done much better to have procured revenues for that house than for any other place and some even said that I ought to be thrown into prison and few there were who took my part in any way but I saw clearly that they had reasons for many things they said and sometimes I made excuses though as I could not tell them the principal motive which was the command of our Lord I knew not what to say and so I held my tongue at other times our Lord showed me very great favors and all this affair of the monastery gave me no trouble whatever for I gave it up with as much pleasure and facility if it had never cost me any pain but this no one could believe not even those persons of prayer with whom I used to converse for they thought I was still full of trouble and shame even my confessor himself could hardly believe the contrary but as I thought I had done all that lay in my power it seemed to me I was no longer obliged to promote what our Lord had commanded me I remained still in the house quite content and at my ease though I could never help believing that the business would be done still I neither knew how nor when I would certainly be accomplished that which extremely afflicted me was that once my confessor wrote me a letter to this effect as if I had done something against his will though it seems our Lord was pleased I should have some affliction even by means of that which was most dear to me and thus in the multitude of my persecutions when I was expecting to receive some comfort my confessor as I have said wrote to me saying that now he hoped I saw by what I had done that all had been a dream that I should for the future so far correct myself as not to meddle any more with any business nor talk any more of this business in particular for I must have observed what scandal had arisen etc other things he said which gave me great pain but this letter I confess gave me greater pain than all my other troubles put together because I then began to think whether I might not have been the cause of all the evil and whether I did commit an error whereby God may have been offended nay I even began to fear whether those visions might not have been illusions and my whole course of prayer had been from the devil and whether in a word I were not then in a state of error and perdition these thoughts so overpowered me that I fell into the most profound grief and trouble but our Lord who was never wanting to me in all my afflictions often comforted and strengthened me though this is not the place to relate to what I did but he told me I should not trouble myself that I had served him well and had not offended him in this business in the meantime he told me that I should do what my confessor commanded me by keeping silence till a fit time should come to renew the subject after this I became so content and consoled that the afflictions which came upon me seem to be a mere nothing hereby our Lord showed me what a very great benefit it is in the persecutions for his sake because so much had the love of God increased in my soul as well as other virtues that I was amazed at it and this is the reason why I cannot help desiring afflictions in the meantime other persons thought I was quite dejected with what had happened and this indeed would have been the case had not our Lord been pleased to honor me so much with such great favors then greater impestualities of divine greater raptures than those I mentioned before began to happen though I did not mention them to anyone nor the prophet I derived from them in the meantime that Holy Dominican continued to believe for certain the business would succeed and I believe the same also but I made no account of this because I was resolved to obey my confessor the Dominican and my companion arranged matters together and wrote to Rome about the affair and made their offers here the devil made it known one person talking about these things to another that I had had some revelation on the matter upon this some came to me in a great deal of fear to tell me I had better look well to myself that the days were evil and that perhaps men might lay things to my charge and complain even to the inquisitors these fears made me laugh because in this matter I never had any fears because I knew well that in all things relating to the Catholic faith even to the least ceremony of the church or for the truth of any doctrine in the Holy Scripture I was ready to die a thousand deaths I therefore desired those persons not to fear for me and that my soul would indeed be in a miserable condition if anything could be found in her to make her afraid of the inquisition and that if I thought there were any grounds to fear I myself would be the first to go before the inquisitors and that if any charge were brought against me our Lord would deliver me from it and I should be the gainer thereby I spoke on this matter with a Dominican father who as I have said was so learned a man that I could confidently rely upon whatever he said and on this occasion I told him with all the clearness I could of all the visions I had received and of the kind of prayer I used and of the great favors which our Lord have been pleased to show me and I begged of him to consider well all these things and to let me know if they were in any way against holy scripture and that he would give me his opinion thereon this he did and so he made me very secure in my mind and I also thought he himself derived some advantage from this matter for though he was before very holy yet from that time he gave himself more to prayer and entered into a monastery of his own order which was a place of great solitude and silence in order that he might exercise himself better in prayer there he remained about two years and then he was removed by obedience much to his sorrow but his superior stood in need of such a man and I was much grieved myself when he left me because I wanted such a person though I knew he would be the gainer while I was in trouble about his departure our Lord told me to be comforted for he went for some good purpose and indeed he returned afterwards with his soul so much improved in spiritual matters that he himself told me at his return he would not for anything in the world have neglected making the journey I also might say the same thing because as he formerly comforted and consoled me only by his letters he was now able to do the same by the great experience he had acquired in supernatural things our Lord was also pleased to bring him back at the time when his majesty saw we stood in need of him to assist his work concerning this monastery which it was his will should be established in the meantime I remain silent on this matter for five or six months neither hearing or saying anything nor did our Lord command me to do anything and I did not know the reason thereof but still I could not help thinking that the business would be accomplished sooner or later about the end of this period the rector of the college who belonged to the society of Jesus being removed from this place his majesty brought another to succeed him who was a very spiritual man and of great courage understanding and learning he came at the time when I was much in need of help because as my confessor had a superior over him this virtue was practiced to perfection these not to remove from any place but only in conformity to the will of their superior and though he clearly understood the state of my soul and desired I might advance more and more yet he dared not in some things any fixed determination for many reasons which he had while on the other hand my soul had such great impestuousities that I found it very troublesome to be tied down so much still I resolved not to swerve from his commands being one day in great affliction because I thought my confessor did not believe me our Lord told me not to be troubled there at assuring me that all my troubles would be soon at an end at these words I rejoiced thinking I should soon die and I felt great pleasure when I remember this but I clearly perceived afterwards that these words related to the coming of this new rector of whom I have spoken because never afterwards did I experience any pain on account of this rector for he was not opposed to the subrector who was my confessor but rather he told him to console me and assure me there was no reason for me to fear and that he would not conduct my soul by such narrow ways and with such restrictions but would allow the spirit of God to work freely in me sometimes it seemed by reasons of these great impestuousities that my soul had scarcely room to breathe I went to visit this rector and my confessor commanded me to speak to him with all candor and clearness I felt however the greatest difficulty in doing so but it is quite true that on my entrance into the confessional I felt in my soul I knew not what and neither before nor after do I remember ever to have experienced the like I cannot tell how it was nor can I explain it by any kind of comparison because it was a spiritual joy and an understanding which my soul had that the soul of this man would be able to understand me and that his judgment and mine would agree although as I have said I knew not how this would be if I had spoken with him before or if others had told me something great about him it would not have been very surprising if I rejoiced when I heard that he was to hear me but neither of us had ever spoken to each other nor had anyone ever given me any account of him but since that time I have clearly seen that my soul did not deceive me because by speaking with him I have derived great advantage in every way because his method of conversation is very important for those persons whom our Lord seems to advance in the road of perfection and therefore he makes them run and not walk step by step his method is entirely to disengage them from all creatures and to exercise them by mortifications and in this respect our Lord has given him very great talents as well as in many other things as soon as I began to speak with him on my affairs I immediately understood his method and saw I had found a holy and pure soul and that our Lord had given him a particular talent in trying spirits he consoled me exceedingly soon after I had spoken to him our Lord began to press me to resume the business of the monastery and that I should declare both to my confessor and to this rector the many reasons why they were not to oppose my design some of these reasons made them quite afraid to oppose me because this father rector never doubted but that all was directed by the spirit of God since he beheld and considered with great care and attention all the effects at last after much consideration they durst not presume to oppose me and my confessor again gave me leave to use all my endeavors and yet I clearly foresaw what trouble the undertaking would give me because I was quite alone and had very little power to do anything but we agreed the matter should be carried on with great secrecy and therefore I prevailed on a sister of mine who lived elsewhere to buy the house with money which our Lord found means by certain ways to give me in order to purchase it but it would be too long to mention how our Lord continued to provide for us for I made it a point not to do anything against obedience I knew however that if I told anything to my superiors the whole business would be undone as it happened before and if I should mention the subject now things would be even much worse in procuring the money to make the bargain and fit up the house I endured many troubles and some of them all alone though my companion did what she could but this was little so very little that it was next to nothing all she did was to lend her name to the undertaking and to patronize it all the rest of the trouble was mine and it came upon me in so many ways that I now wonder how I was able to endure it sometimes when I was thus in affliction I said oh my lord why do you command things which appear so little though I am a woman yet if I had liberty something might perhaps be done but being bound in all directions without money and without knowing where to get any to pay either for the brief or anything else what can I do oh lord being one day in great want and not knowing what to do and not being able to pay the workmen Saint Joseph my true father and patron appeared to me and told me that I should not fail to make the agreement and that I should not want for money accordingly I made the bargain without having any money but afterwards our lord provided some by such wonderful ways that they who heard them were amazed but now the house seemed to be too small and indeed it was so to such a degree that it appeared impossible ever to make it a monastery and I had a good mind to buy another house but I had no money nor means to procure any very small house near it where of a church might be made but one day after I had communicated our lord spoke thus to me I have already told you to enter how you can and in the manner of exclamation he also said to me oh the covetousness of mankind why are you afraid of wanting a little earth how often did I sleep in the open air not knowing where to lay my head these words terrified me for our lord had reason for what he said and so I went to the little house and bargained for it but I found that though it was so very small it was fit for such a monastery and I thought no more about purchasing a larger place but I endeavored to prepare this house in such a way as to make it habitable though everything was rough and coarse all I aimed at was that it might not be injurious to our health and so which I'll ever remain upon the feast of Saint Clair when I was about to communicate she appeared to me in great beauty and told me to be of good courage and to go on with the work I had commenced and that she would assist me her words proved true for a monastery of religious belonging to her order which is near this house helps to support us and what is still more she has by little and little brought my desire to such perfection that the very same poverty which that Blessed Saint established in her house is also practiced in this belonging to us and we live on alms this however cost me a great deal of trouble in getting the point so confirmed by the authority of the Pope that no innovation might be made afterwards nor the house ever have any revenue and now our Lord does even more than what I have mentioned and perhaps this favor may have happened through the intercession of this Blessed Saint for his majesty provides us with all things in the most abundant manner without our asking anyone may he be blessed for all things amen being one day about this time in a certain monastery belonging to the order of the glorious Saint Dominic I was considering the many sins of my former life which I had confessed in that house and the events of my wicked way of living when suddenly there came so great a rapture upon me that it took me almost out of myself I sat down and yet it seemed to me I was not able either to hear mass or even to see the elevation for which I afterwards had some scruple while I was in this state I appear to be clothed with the garment of great whiteness and brightness and at first I could not tell who clothed me but afterwards I saw our lady on the right hand and my father Saint Joseph on the left who clothed me with this robe I was then given to understand that I was now cleansed from my sins when I was thus clothed and full of the greatest joy and glory our lady immediately took hold of me by the hands and told me that seeing me devoted to the glorious Saint Joseph gave her much pleasure that our Lord and she herself and Saint Joseph would be devoutly served in the monastery that I should have no fear about this decree being changed though the obedience placed upon me might not be agreeable to my inclinations because he himself would protect us that her son had already promised he would remain with us as a proof that all her words would come true she cast a very beautiful chain of gold around my neck with a cross of great value attached to it but this gold and these precious stones are so very different from those of this world that no comparison whatever can be made between them nor can we possibly imagine what their beauty was neither can our understanding know what the garment was made nor can it form any idea of its whiteness for all the whiteness we see in this world is like soot in comparison the beauty I saw in our blessed lady was beyond description though I could not determine the form nor figure of any particular part I could only discern the form of her countenance she was clad in white and surrounded with excessive splendor yet this was sweet and not dazzling I did not see the glorious Saint Joseph so clearly though I knew well he was present as in those visions which are not seen whereof I have already spoken our lady seemed very young and she remained with me only for a short time but I enjoyed great pleasure and glory from the sight more in my opinion than ever I had enjoyed before and glad I would have been never to be deprived of the vision I thought I saw both of them ascend into heaven attended with a great multitude of angels in the meantime I was left quite alone though so comforted and transported and recollected in prayer that I remained for some time unable either to move or speak for I was almost out of myself I had great impulses to be as it were annihilated for God and I experienced some of the effects thereof and the whole happened in such a way that I was never able though I used great endeavors to doubt but that the vision came from God the queen of angels left me very full of comfort and peace by what she said to me concerning obedience and the case was this for my part I was unwilling to give up this house to the order and indeed our Lord himself told me that it was not proper I should give it to them he also gave me the reasons why it was not proper at all and told me to write to Rome by a certain way and he assured me he would arrange the matter so that it should be successful and so it happened for the business was dispatched by the very meansware of our Lord has spoken to me for we never should have been able to manage it ourselves but on account of what happened afterwards I saw it was proper that obedience should be shown to the bishop by submitting the matter to him then however I did not know him nor was I aware what kind of prelate he was but our Lord was pleased he should be so good and should favor this house as much as was necessary in order to oppose what happened therein as I shall relate afterwards and to place it in its present condition may he be blessed forever who has done all things Amen End of chapter 33