 Today, the Harris's youngest daughter, Phyllis, is celebrating her birthday. She's received a lot of presents, such as a bicycle, roller skates, a doll, and a carriage. And as we look in, she is about to open the last package, a gift for her daughter, Phyllis. Today, the Harris's youngest daughter, Phyllis, is celebrating her birthday. She's received a lot of presents, such as a bicycle, roller skates, a doll, and a carriage. And as we look in, she is about to open the last package, a gift from her Uncle Willie. Hey, Uncle Willie, this is beautiful. It's just what I- You don't know what this is? No. City Yards have felt weather stripping for your bedroom windows. Is that what it is? I thought it was two miles of dandel floss. You're lucky, sis. You should see what he gave me for my birthday. A Mother Goose Mustache Cup. Gee, Uncle Willie, you promised to buy me that toy pony. And I wanted- Now, now, Phyllis, you should be thankful for what you received. That's right. Now run along and play with your weather stripping. Go ahead. Play cowboys and Indians. With weather stripping? Yeah. Use it to tie Uncle Willie to a tree and I'll get you a bow and arrow set. Go ahead, kids. Go on outside and play, huh? I'm going out and get Phyllis that electric pony. It's a great toy. You get on this thing and then you press a button in it and it goes all over the place. Oh, but Phyll, it costs $75. Besides, if you bought it today, it would be broken by tomorrow. No, it won't, honey. I'll be careful when I ride it. Oh, gee, honey, can I get it for Phyllis so she won't be dis- Uh-oh, I'll get that. Man, I'd love to get her that pony. Kids are only young once in age. Hiya, Curly. Oh, hello, Frankie. What's the matter with you? I feel terrible. It's little Phyllis' birthday and she wants a pony. Why don't you get her one? Well, Alice says it's too expensive. Well, if a pony's too expensive, get her a jigger. She'll never know the difference. Remly, Remly, let's break it up, hon. Alice, don't get started because it's no laughing matter. Come in here, get her a jay. What can I talk? I'm in trouble. Phyllis wanted a toy electric pony for her birthday and she didn't get it and she's very disappointed. Oh, well, she'll get over that when she sees all this stuff I bought her. I got a lot of things for her to play with. A doll, jacks, set of blocks, a bottle of ready-mixed martinis. Wait! A bottle of martinis for a kid? No, that's for me to play with. I'm too old for dolls. Hello, Frankie. Hi, Alan. What are all those packages in your arms? The present's for Phyllis. Oh, here's a little something extra for her in this envelope. Go ahead, open it. Okay. Oh, gee. It's just what Phyllis always wanted. What is it, honey? A gift certificate for a tattoo job. I figured that would make a nice picturesque gift. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the kid will look great with a battleship on her stomach. The big mole, maybe. Curly, don't be ridiculous. You can't put a big battleship on a little girl's stomach. Better make it a P.T. boat. Frankie, what kind of a gift is that for a little girl, a tattoo job? Yeah, I guess it is more practical for a grown woman. However, if you don't like that, here's something that's ideal for a girl. Something that's ideal for a child. Books. Oh, that's better. Books are wonderful. Wait a minute, Alice. Wait a minute. Now, don't go off the deep end. What kind of books, Mr. Remley? Educational books for children. Written and published by I.J. Grogan. Grogan? You mean I.J. Grogan boy counterfeiter? He was a counterfeiter, but that's all behind him. He's converted his presses so he can print kids' books. I bought the whole set. They're wonderful stories to combat juvenile delinquency, and each one teaches a moral lesson. Say, that sounds good. What are the names of some of them? Well, here's one called Hansel and Gretel at Leavenworth. Or, no matter how good you make a $3 bill, never try to pass it at a bank. That sounds like a great book for a child. Oh, honey, you ain't heard nothin' yet. Listen to these. Heidi gets the hot seat. Little Red Riding and her hoods. And here's another one. A little Red Riding and her hoods. A little Red Riding and her hoods. And here's one that's really a-clied. It's called Raggedy Ann Goes to Las Vegas. Yeah, that one teaches kids the pitfalls a gambler. Yes, yes, but I can see. I can see that for the titles of some of these chapters. Listen to this, honey. How to warm up a cold deck. How to act nonchalant when caught with five aces. How to act nonchalant when caught with five aces. Well, yeah, and here's 50 fictitious names to use in case of a rape. All right. Now take these things out of here and burn them up. Remli, you do the stupidest things. I don't know what's- That's a fine way to talk to me. Just for that, I got a good mind not to sing. Nobody ever asks you to sing. Nobody ever asks you to sing either, but you do it every week. I thought it might be a welcome change if I sang. Well, if anybody does any singing around here, it's gonna be me. I don't know about that. I know about it. Now, boys, don't argue. There's only one fair way to settle this. I'll sing. Now, see what you did? It's something that can be done by two, for I'd really like to stay. It's a lovely day today. And whatever you've got to do, I'd be so happy to be doing it with you. But if you've got something that must be done, and it can only be done by one, there is nothing more to say. Except it's a lovely day for singing. It's a lovely day. It's a lovely day. And I hope whatever you've got to do, is something that can be done by two, for I'd really like to stay. It's a lovely day. And whatever you've got to do, I'd be so happy to be doing it with you. But if you've got something that must be done, and it can only be done by one, there is nothing more. It's a lovely day for singing. It's a lovely day. Well, Remly couldn't have done better. You know something, Alice, I've been thinking. If Phyllis wants that electric pony, I'm going to go out and get it for her. After all, it's only $75. Only $75? You mean you don't mind spending $75 for a toy? No. Curly, I saw a little play thing. I'd like my birthday. Yeah, what? There's a little manicurist down the street. Of course, she's not electric, but I could have her wired. But you're going to be quiet. Phyllis wants the pony, and I'm going down and get it for her. I want her to... Okay, okay, if you insist. But don't be too long. I want you to stop at the bake shop and pick up a cake I ordered for Phyllis. I'll see you later, honey. All right, honey. Hey, Curly. Yeah. Why spend $75 on a toy pony when you can add a few dollars to it and get a real pony? A real one, huh? Sure. Gee whiz. That's every kid's dream, isn't it? Sure. Having a real pony. Yeah, but where are we going to get one? You leave it to me. I can take you to a place where they know all about ponies. Yeah, let's go. All right. Well, here we are, Curly. Here we are where? Those aren't stables. Remly, this is an office building. There aren't any ponies here. I know that, but this guy is an expert on ponies and he has his office here. Now, follow me. And now, as they come into the stretch, it's big noise by a light. Lady Lynn coming up fast on the inside and it's powder dry making a bit on the rail. And here they come across the wire and it's powder dry. Thank you. This is a book making establishment. No. So this is what they look like. Yes, and I don't want to see such goings on so I'll close my eyes and you lead me out of here. You ought to be ashamed of yourself taking me to a place like this. I'm sorry, Curly. Well, you should be. I didn't know. I'd never been here before myself and if I had known, I would... Hey, Remly. You speaking to me, sir? Yeah. That nag you bet on yesterday came in and paid ten to one. It did? Here's your winnings. Sixty cents. The horse paid ten to one and you got sixty cents. Remly, aren't you getting a little reckless? Betting six cents on one horse? Or was it a five horse parlay? Don't be a wise guy. I bet it all on one horse. Across the board. Remly, why did you bring me here? Curly, you want a pony and these guys know all about the pony. Yes, but I can't buy a pony here. Who says you can't? It's Grogan. Yeah. Hey, Grogan, what are you doing here in Sam's bookmaking establishment? Do you place your bets with Sam? Well, no, no. I just come to see my dear old mother. You mean your mother hangs out in this bookie joint? She has to. She's Sam. It must be nice to have a mother you can call Sam. Look, Grogan, do you know where I can buy a good pony? Well, now you have come to the right, man, because I just happened to have a racehorse for sale. No, no, no, no, no, Grogan. I don't want no racehorse. See, I just want a little pony. Now, why waste your money on a pony when for a few bucks more you can get a thoroughbred and you can race him. You can make money. Well, that's true. Grogan, is this horse of yours any good? Good, he says. Good. Hey. Look here, Clem. This snake... This snake is the biggest moneymaker since Citation. He is? Well, how much do you want for him? Well, would $28 be asking for money? No, no, I don't know. That don't sound too high for a horse that can make a million dollars in purses, huh? Look, Grogan, if this horse of yours is so good, then how come you're not racing him? Well, I did. Last year I raced him. I would track in a country and I would still be doing it, except for one thing. What? I was barred from every track in a country. Grogan, did you do something dishonest? Now, how can you say that? You know that I wouldn't do nothing dishonest. Now, you buy this nag, kid, and I will throw in all the equipment that I used when I raced him. Well, what kind of equipment? Syringe, no sponges, saddle with electric buzzing, you know. And if you pay cash, I will also throw in a crooked jockey. Hey, Grogan. What colors did your horse race under? Oh, he raced under different colors. His one week I painted him black. His one week he was brown and one week he was black and white. You know what, I gave him a nice sporty look for the sum of me. Look, Grogan, I don't think I want to buy this horse. There must be something wrong with him. There's nothing wrong with him. He's the greatest piece of horse flesh you ever saw. If you don't believe me, you just take a look at this picture of me here. Here. There stands the greatest handicap horse you ever saw. I'd define you to find anything wrong with this horse. He's only got three legs. That's his handicap. I don't believe I've ever seen a race horse with three legs. What do you call him, Grogan? Tripod. Ah, yeah. You would have seen Tripod coming down the stretch. But he only has three legs. How does he run? Like a camera. Well, Mr. Grogan, Grogan, I don't want to appear difficult, but I don't cotton to this animal. But don't. When you think it over, Harris, because I guarantee that if you buy this horse, you will be getting the fastest thing on two legs. I know, but now he's got two legs. Well, he really has three, if you want to count the wooden one. Look, now, I don't want no race horse. All I want is a pony for my child with four legs. You've got a child with four legs? Look, if you can have a horse with two legs, I've got a right to have a child with four legs. Now, do you have a pony for sailor, don't you? Well, now, I ain't got no ponies. Hey, yeah, wait a minute. There is a friend of mine has got a defunct psychus in Cucamonga, see? And this guy, he's breaking up the outfit. He's sunning all the animals, and maybe you can pick up on his trick ponies. Oh, yeah? Well, thank you, Grove. Thanks a lot. Come on, Remli. Well, we might as well forget about the pony because I haven't got time to go to Cucamonga. I've got to pick up the kid's birthday cake and get home. Well, you get the cake. I'll go out and get the pony. Would you do that? You can trust me, Curly. All right, but look. Now, when you get to the circus, remember I want a pet for the kids. So don't come back with a bearded lady, huh? Why are you getting a real pony? Where will we keep it? Well, we've got a big place here. We can keep it in the guest room. Don't be ridiculous. Besides, Mother's coming over to stay with us for a while. She'll be sleeping in the guest room. So what? It's a double bed. I don't know. Mother's not accustomed to having four cold feet on her back. Don't worry, honey. We'll find a place for her. We'll build a stable. For who? The horse or my mother? They can toss for her. Not by wish, Frank. You'd get here. I'm anxious to see that pony you picked out, boy. Well, do you think you sent the right man? Oh, now, don't worry, honey. If there's one thing that Remli knows about its horses, he won't have any trouble picking out a good pony. Come in. Hi, Curly. Well, my mission is completed. You got the pony, huh? Uh, you were not exactly, but I got the closest thing to it. What did you get? A kangaroo. A kangaroo. A kangaroo. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Remli, why I told you to get a pony. I didn't have any more left. I didn't want to disappoint Phyllis, so I got her a kangaroo. I got it out on the porch. I'll call Zelda in. Zelda? Yeah. Here's Zelda. Come on, Zelda. Remli, get that Australian hop along out of here. Oh, Frank. Stop with your jumping around. Do something. The guy said the only thing he'll cover down is music. But we don't have any music. Then you sing to her, Curly. All right, anything to keep her quiet. Now sit down in the corner and Zelda. Sit down in the corner and listen. Now listen. Now Uncle Phyllis is gonna sing. You're lucky kangaroo, you. Give me that old time religion. That old time religion. Give me that old time religion. Cause it's good enough for me. It was good for Paul and Silas. It was good for Paul and Silas. And it's good enough for me. Show me that place by the river. That place by the river. Show me that place by the river on Jordan's sunny shore. What say Daniel from the Lions? Say Daniel from the Lions. What a Daniel with the lions, he can start telling me. Well it was that old time religion. Yes they're old time religion. And it's good enough for me. It helped him with the lions. Oh he of set him free. Well, if it's good enough for Daniel, then it's good enough for me. So give me that old time religion, give me that old time religion, give me that old time religion. It's good enough for me. I'll be listening for Gabriel, I'll be listening for Gabriel, I'll be listening for Gabriel to blow on Judgment Day. What was it? Say, don't Jonah from the belly of the whale? Yes, that old time religion, that old time religion Yes, that old time religion, and it's good enough for me It saved Jonah from the whale, yes, it helped to set him free And if it's good enough for Jonah, then it's good enough for me Give me that old time religion, give me that old time religion, give me that old time religion It's good enough for me, give me that old time religion, give me that old time religion, give me that old time religion It's good enough for me. Give me that old-time religion. That old-time religion. Give me that old-time religion. It's good enough for... That did it, Curly. Zelda's quiet now. You're singing that something to her. Well, it figures. She's a female, ain't she? Oh, just look at her sitting there with her little pouch quivering. And her front paws over her ears. Don't be a critic, Zell. There's one thing I can't stand. It's a wise kangaroo. Well, I'm not going to stay in the same house with that animal. I'm going upstairs and you fellas get rid of that beast right now. All right, all right. Now come on, Remli. Between the two of us, we can subdue her and get her out of the house. Come here, Zelda. Look out, Curly. She's kicking again. Zelda, stop horsing her. I mean kangarooing around. Hey, Remli, we'll have to shove her in that closet until we can get somebody to take her away. Curly, she don't want to go. We've got to put her in. Well, we'll grab her and rush her in. You grab one side and I'll grab the other. You ready? Yeah, I'm ready. One, two, three. Ah, we got her in the closet. Yeah, we got her in there, but now tell me something. Who are we going to get to take her out of this house? I hadn't thought of that. Who can we get that would... Yeah, the trainer just came in with a basket on his head. Yeah, we'll get Julius to take her out. Yeah, but how? We'll tell him we got a dame for him in the closet. She wants to go out with him. Miss Fire, put the groceries in. Hey, hiya, Julius. Are you home again? All right, kid, I got a right to be... I hope Zelda kicks his brains out. Julius, I'm going to do you a big favor. I'm going to arrange a date for you. With what? With one of my girlfriend. How'd you like that? With the pins. What does his aunt eat or look like? She doesn't look like an aunt either. No, but you're getting warm, kid. Julius, look, now, I don't blame you for being suspicious of Frankie's girlfriends, but this time, man, this is a pretty one, and if you don't believe me, you just take a look for yourself. Well, that's fair enough. Where is she? Right in this closet. You keep her in a closet? Yeah, Julius, because she's kind of shy and she doesn't like to be seen in the light. Yeah, but if you talk nice to her, maybe she'll come out. Her name is Zelda. Go on in. Tell her I sent you. Okay. What's your name, Julius? Well, say something, Zelda. Oh, this Remly really gets him. Julius, grab her by the arm and bring her out here. I don't blame you. Grab her and show her who's the boss. You said it. Julius is gone. Gone. Zelda must have eaten them. Isn't that awful? Yeah, poor Zelda will have heartburn all the time. You know, it's too bad Julius had to go before tasting had a call. Sweet, she thought he was one of her young. Girl would go out with you, do you? Hey, girlie, now we got Julius and the kangaroo going steady. What's our next step? Open the front door. Yeah. This is Phil, and I'd like to thank Ben Crosby for inviting me to his 10th annual Pro Amateur National Golf Tournament at Del Monte this year. And also thanks to my good friend, Mori Luxford, for pairing me with a great guy and a terrific golfer, Dutch Harrison. And thanks to Dutch, we won the Pro Amateur. And that was my biggest thrill, next to seeing the 39,000 fans turn out for Bing's tournament. And Bing, as he always does, turned over the entire proceeds. And this year, $40,000 went thanks to Bing to the community chest for youth centers and polio work. Good night, and thanks again, Bing. Good night, champ. This program was produced and directed by Paul Phillips. Included in today's cast were Stan Freeberg, Sheldon Leonard, and Jerry Hausner. The part of Frankie Remily was played by Elliot Lewis, and Julius was played by Walter Tettler. Coming up, head a hopper, then its theater guild on NBC.