 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Johnathan Asley of johnathanasley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the five things all happy couples do before they fall in love. They do these things and I want you to do them as well. Alrighty, really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new content and during this video, you like what I have to share, please hit that like button so more people get notified of it because that's how the algorithm works. If more likes, more people get to see this. And also, if the content here resonates with you, please check out the description to the links below to schedule a discovery call with me, to join my private group, to get my free gift, to get my book, all that good stuff, it's all in the description. Also the recommended books because I do recommend a lot of books during the live stream. All right, really quickly, for those that are listening live, you know I'm gonna do Q&A shortly, but I always start with the content first for those listening to the recording so you don't have to wait till the very end if you come back to listen to the recording. We're gonna cover the topics really quickly in the beginning and then you can stay on for the Q&A. And I wanna thank everyone who's already joined us saying thank you. All right, let's just jump in. The five things all happy couples do before they fall in love. Okay, and here's my cheat sheet so I'm gonna put on my glasses in a second. One of the things all happy couples do before falling in love, before they actually enter in a relationship is they discuss their ideal relationship. They discuss their desired relationship. And one of the things I don't see happening very often in romantic dating today is discussing the type of relationship one is looking for. Now part of the reason for this is the average person doesn't know what they're looking for. Bump, bump, bump. Jonathan, I know what I'm looking for. Well, okay, so let's differentiate for a second. I wanna get back to that little sarcastic remark I just made. When someone's in their 20s and 30s, most of the time people who are actively seeking to be in relationship are considering the idea of having children and raising a family and building a home together. So they actually do know what they're looking for for those that are in their 20s and 30s. What happens in 40s, 50s, or 60s, that's the midlife category that I talk about. So those who know me know I'm a midlife dating and relationship coach. I say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. And so for those people there in their 40s, 50s, 60s and maybe 70s or even 80s is that they don't actually have a vision of what they want in a relationship. They haven't really contemplated. They haven't really given it much forethought. So let me give you an example for my own personal playbook and see if this resonates with you. So in the memory I said, this is what happy couples do. They establish what they want in a relationship. So for example, my playbook is I'd like to have a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, being active participant in each other's life from a teamwork perspective, both in our personal and our professional life while building intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy, eventually leading to some level of partnership whether that means living together or getting married. Now, wow, Jonathan, that was a mouthful. Well, I wonder how many of you actually have thought about it the way I just described and actually have a running narrative of what that looks like for you because I can tell you I coach so many women and they literally have no clue what they want in relationship. Now I know this because when a woman hires me one of the first things she does is she fills out an application describing their ideal relationship. And then she goes through my proprietary program I put together. It's now a six-week program I put together to help get clarity, not just in defining the ideal relationship but also how to vet for emotionally available men. And what happens is after women go through my boot camp it blows me away. I hear the same thing over and over again. Jonathan, why didn't they teach us this in school? Why didn't my parents teach me this? Why didn't I learn this 10 years ago before I dated that knuckle hat? So what I'm saying is if you don't have a real clear picture of what your future looks like what your ideal relationship looks like and the person you're with doesn't know that then chances are they're gonna be building a relationship on a weak foundation. I'm gonna repeat that they're possibly building a relationship on a weak foundation. So one thing all happy couples do they know what they want and they express it very early on in the dating process. Is this resonating with you if it is? Please hit that like button. Okay, number two. Oh, well this kind of piggybacks to what I said before one of the things all happy couples do is they invite their family and friends to meet the person that they're dating. Both couples introduce each other to each other's family and friends. Now in some cases family members may not be available. For example, my mom and dad, my mom passed away and my father lives in another country so I can't introduce someone to my mom and dad but certainly to my children or roots to build is with family and friends and I just lost my connection. Oh, there it comes back. Okay, sorry about that. Looks like I lost my internet connection for a second. All right, so spending time with family and friends. All right, is this sinking in if it is? Please hit that like button to let me know. By the way, it is Friday. It's Moscow Mule Time and I'm having a cocktail to get the weekend started. All right, number three. Oh, this is really critically important. What all happy couples do before they fall in love they've actually learned how to what I call fight there or they know how to resolve conflict from a grown up perspective. Let me repeat that. They know how to resolve conflicts from a grown up perspective. One of the things I see that happens repeatedly is men and women are entering in a relationship and they're both two little children in reference entering the relationship. And the reason why I say children is when a child gets into a fight with someone of I don't mean a fist fight I'm talking about a disagreement they always operate from the premise of I'm right. I'm right and you're wrong, okay? In a healthy relationship and this is what happy couples do is that they've learned that it's not about being right it's about being happy. So what all happy couples do is they lean into the dating process from the following. When there's a disagreement, when there's a conflict when there's some friction first they listen to their partner's point of view, okay? They listen to their point of view and they accept that person's point of view as being true for them. In addition, your partner does the same for you they listen to your point of view and they accept your point of view as being true for you, okay? So when you're in conflict it's not about being right it's about being happy. How can we come to mutual agreement? How can we solve things from a mutually agreeable place? Is this resonating? Is this sinking in? Please let me know by hitting that like button. If anyone's on, I've just a double check please let me know you're okay. Just please let me know you're on so I know this is working because the live stream was okay it looks like it just popped up. All right, so they learn how to resolve conflicts they learn how to fight there. This is one of the most important functions in a relationship because every relationship is gonna have friction. Emotionally immature people when there's friction both in their personal life and in their relationship will run away they'll pull away, they'll need space they'll disappear which is really a reflection of a lack of emotional maturity, okay? By the way, ladies I know you keep and by the way because I've shot videos on this repeatedly why do men pull away? Why do men ghost? Why do men disappear? And it's really why do human beings do this? Is because when someone is lacking emotional maturity the minute there's friction they feel the need to run away they're not able to address their problems. All happy couples know this one thing they address their problems before they go to bed. I once talked to one of my parents dearest friends who have been they're still married I think they've got 61 years under their belt and one thing they always do is they don't go to bed mad. In other words, they solve everything before they go to bed. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? If it is please hit that like button, let me know. Okay, number four and this is a very touchy one this is a touchy subject happy couples talk about sex and money. Happy couples talk about sex and money, okay? Because the reality is is the reality from the way I see it is roughly about a hundred percent of divorces okay, not a hundred roughly about 90% of divorces cite and sex as the primary problem in a relationship half of them say money half of them say money and if sex and money is what I mean by money is it takes money to make a relationship work it takes money to go out on dates it takes money to go out on trips it takes money to eventually move in together money is an important part of both the dating process and the relationship process as well as sex and sexual preferences. This is why if you follow my work you know I talk about this frequently is the book Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. And one of the chapters in this the reason why it's called Eight Dates is you have eight separate dates talking about a variety of things including sex and money, conflict resolution and what I'm about to share next and the most touchiest subject is sex and money. And what's fascinating is people just assume that everybody's on the same page with money and I did a post the other day about who pays for dates and what's interesting the way men viewed it and the way women viewed that video was vastly different. So if you're not having grown up conversations early on it's gonna make it very difficult to have a real deep juicy delicious relationship. And this is why I want everyone to start leaning into deeper conversations instead of the premise of just leaning back and staying in your feminine because that's all you need to do to make the guy happy. No, if you wanna make a happy relationship for yourself you have to be intentional and be intentional by understanding the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship because the benefits of understanding is you can eliminate the wrong person much sooner than sticking with the right person. In fact, my whole coaching program by the way, there's a link in the description to schedule a free discovery call with me is all centered around teaching you not only about establishing your ideal relationship also learning how to vet for emotionally mature men. Is this sinking in? Please let me know at that like button. Okay, and the fifth, the fifth and this is so critically important is they have both determined their common cause in the relationship. They have both determined their common cause in a relationship. And let me explain what I mean. Do me a favor, write this down if you're listening to the replay pause and Google the following. Definition of commitment, definition of commitment. And there's two things if you Google this the definition of commitment. One, dedicated to a common cause or dedicated to a cause or activity. And number two, a restriction of freedom. Okay, now let me explain what that means. So for example, remember I was talking about the 20 and 30 year olds they're dedicated to the cause of making babies raising a family buying a home together. They have a common cause together. Okay, and restriction of freedom might look like something like this. It's Friday night, I went out drinking with my friends I get drink too much, I have a hangover and tomorrow I'm supposed to go to my niece's birthday party. My niece isn't her birthday tomorrow but let's just say I made an obligation but I don't feel like going. That's a restriction of my freedom. I don't feel like going but I made a commitment. Okay, I made a commitment. So a lot of times men look at commitment as a restriction of their freedom. It's because they haven't defined what the common cause is and all happy couples know what their common cause is. And this is one of the reasons why it's so frustrating for those of us in midlife because most people haven't really leaned into what is their common cause for being together? How are they dedicated to this common cause? It's not just about companionship because most people are seeking connection, sex and companionship. But are you really establishing the deep friendship? And that's what's oftentimes missing in so many relationships, I'm having another drink, is their common cause is centered around their friendship. And so because here's the thing, when you've developed a really great friendship with a partner, they're not gonna pull away, they're not gonna ghost, they're not gonna disappear and if they do need a little space, they're upfront about it because you've established a real part centered connection because you treat each other like friends. In fact, that's what I want everyone to think about this. When you're in a romantic relationship it should feel like you're talking to your best friend. I'm not saying it is talking to your best friend, it should feel like you're talking to your best friend and yet sadly I talked to so many women who have just ended a relationship and one of the things that was missing is deep friendship. And so what happy couples know, and I'm gonna repeat everything one more time, they know what they're seeking in relationship. They introduce each other to family and friends. What did I write down? They learn how to resolve conflicts. They talk about sex and money and they figure out their common cause. What are we dedicated to in this relationship? Because when you're dedicated to a cause you're more apt to stick it out because you've developed roots to trust and those roots of trust lead to a deeper committed and as I always talk about a juicy, delicious relationship. These are five things all happy couples do before falling in love. Is this resonating with you? If you said yes, please hit that like button, let me know. All right, we're gonna take questions in a second for those that do know my format. I want you to write the word question in the chat box and I'm gonna answer questions in a second. But before we do, I wanna address the monkey in the room. And the monkey in the room is something I've, it's a couple of comments I've gotten, quite a few comments recently on some of my videos around centered around Jonathan. Why are you single? Why are you single? If you're such a great dating coach, why are you single? And I wanted to address that because that's the monkey in the room for me. Now, for those that know me know that I was married. I did make a commitment in my life back in the early 90s. I don't wanna date myself too much but I did get married, I was in a 12 year marriage. It didn't work out, I'll be candid with you. I wasn't a great husband. I did some things that I wasn't very proud of in my life. I was going through a lot of immaturity in my life in my 20s and early 30s and I wasn't prepared to be in a marriage. I thought I was because that was the programming. I was told to get a job, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, start a family. I was on that programming but I still was very immature. And my ex-wife has her own things that she contributed to the end of the relationship. So it's not singular to me but I wanna take ownership on my part, okay? So after my divorce, I also lost my $1,500,000 a year job shortly after that. The market crash of 2008, I got wiped out in the market crash and I began drinking heavily and I was addicted to drugs, mostly to self-med... I wasn't addicted to drugs, I was more self-medicating. I was in a lot of pain and in fact, online dating was one of my ways of coping was talking to women on a regular basis. And that was part of what prepared me for what I'm doing next but I was in a deep depression for over a decade. And during that time, I met a fantastic woman. I met a fantastic woman. I say fantastic. It was probably the healthiest relationship I ever had. And yet some things were missing. There were things missing for both of us. I wasn't really ready then. I was still in my child mode when I met her. She had to be in the parent mode. Here, let me give you an example. I drew a, I have this diagram. It says parent adult child. When I met her, I was still in my very much going through my midlife crisis. I was in my child mode and it required her to go into parent mode. We were both two adults. And while that's still probably the healthiest relationship I ever had, I still wasn't ready back then for where I'm at today. And I know a lot of you think, you think, listen, you all think, a lot of you think I'm great and I am so grateful for the loving comments and how you often say, I wish I could find a guy like you. Ladies, I'm messed up too. I've got my issues. I have my way of being righteous. I have my way of being, my sarcasm can kind of get my way. Sometimes my ego blows up. So I have my own issues too. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the means. But what I learned after the ending of that relationship was I was beginning to prepare myself to be in the kind of relationship that I hope to, that I hope I envision to have very soon. In fact, remember when I said three or four days and nights a week together, doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, sex, all that juicy good stuff. The juicy, delicious relationship. And then three years ago, I lost my mother. That's a picture of my mom and dad. And then six months later, I lost my son Connor and those who know me know that's a picture of my son Connor and talk about being brought to my knees on so many different levels. Anyone who's a parent knows that one of the, their greatest nightmare is to lose a child. And that's what happened to me, I lost a child. And for the last two years, I've been in mourning, if you will. And so when people ask why are you single as if something's wrong with me, there's nothing wrong with me, just like there's nothing wrong with anybody who is still single or why are you single? There's nothing wrong. And what I did during that time is I poured my heart and soul into writing a book. And for those who know me know I wrote a book called What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway? What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway? And why I share this with you is I had to go through my journey to getting to where I'm at today. And what's most important and why I'm sharing this with everybody and why I wanna want this to sink in for everybody is to understand is that being single is not a bad thing. Being single is actually the greatest opportunity to learn the most important relationship you have on this planet and that's the relationship with self. And I know that there's this belief that if you're happily married, you live longer. It's no, when people are happy, they live longer. And we can certainly find happiness even if we're not in relationship with someone. And while I'm a big proponent of love, I'm such a big proponent of love, it starts with the love for self. And that's what my goal is for everyone is to learn on to love on oneself. My book is a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So you're not dependent upon someone else for your happiness. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Please hit that like button. Ah, Connor, you broke my heart open on so many different levels. And I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart. You had to leave sadly for me to learn one of the most important lessons in life. And that is to love on myself. And for the last two years, I've been mourning, but not really. I've been grieving and grieving with love. And so whenever you lose a relationship, whenever you lose someone, just know that we have a choice. We can grieve through suffering or we can grieve through love. And my invitation for everyone is to love on themselves as much as possible. And if you're gonna grieve, choose love because the one thing your family members never want you to do is suffer. And so in honor of him, I choose to lean into something deeper and that is love. And that's my message for everyone today. And just remember I said, all happy couples do this beforehand. And one of the most important thing is they lean into their self-love. I hope this is sinking in and I hope this is resonating. Okay, it's time to take questions. Oh, should I do a trivia question first? I'm gonna do a trivia question really quickly. Oh, here's movie quiz, movie quiz. The trivia question is, what is the name of Holly Golightly's cat in breakfast at Tiffany's? What is Holly Golightly's cat's name in breakfast at Tiffany's? Let's see if anyone can get that. All right, let's check the Q&A board. If you have a question, write the word question, then post your question. Oh, okay, so we have something right here from Georgia. Oh, by the way, if you do a super chat, write a question, it makes it so much easier for me. Super chat, super stickers, ask questions. And Georgia writes, thank you for transparency. Morning is heartbreaking. Yes, it is heartbreaking. And not a day goes by that I don't cry. Not a day goes by that it's not a punch in my stomach when it comes to Connor. It's literally like, it takes me back to the moment I saw his lifeless body. It's like a punch in the stomach. And it's also a reminder for me to lean into love because I have, and I have, I say this because I have no choice. I can choose suffering or I can choose love. And my invitation for everyone is to choose love. And I hope this is sinking in. Thank you. Thank you, Georgia. I appreciate that. All right, Sal writes or Saul Gray writes, my man one year and I gained a mutual lady friend on Facebook. Wait, my man and I gained a mutual lady friend on Facebook, they have been interacting often. He has proven to be loyal, but I'm feeling insecure about it. Is it okay to kindly ask him for reassurance? I'm still a little confused you gained a mutual friend, but let me go back into, I don't believe it's about gaining reassurance, okay? I would simply ask, I understand that you have a connection with this person. What do they mean to you? Because it seems to me that there, and I could be, I could be unclear here. It seems to me that there might be something going on that might be closer to emotional connection with this other person. So I would just simply lean in and ask rather than asking for reassurance. Asking for reinsurance is not coming at it from an empowered place. I would prefer that you ask what the heck is coming up here. Now, I would do it in a kind loving way. Now, what you wanna pay attention to is if he gets defensive, that's your first clue that something's wrong. Let me repeat that, if he gets defensive. Now, what I mean by something is wrong is an emotionally mature person leans into what you're feeling. An emotionally immature person, that child that I talked about is gonna get defensive and deflect upon it. And that's possibly a sign that there is something going on. So asking for reassurance doesn't solve the problem. What solves the problem is getting clarity on what's going on. And if the person gets defensive, it might be a sign that there might be something going on. If they lean into how you're feeling, sweetheart, hey, I barely know this person. And if you'd like, I'll show you my phone and whatever, I can show you my text messages. I have no communication going on with this person. I care about you and that's what's most important to me. I would address what's going on rather than asking for reassurance. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know, hit that like button. All right, if you have a question, write the word question and post the question. And I'm gonna scroll up the board. Many of you, thank you so much. Doug writes, your friendship comment, the best relationships I've ever been had were when there was so deep friendship. One of the benefits is total openness and trust. I like what Doug just said. To me, and I said this earlier, when you're communicating with your partner, it should feel like you're talking to your best friend. That's what a relationship should feel like because ultimately at the end of the day, my mom and dad only had each other towards the latter part of their lives. I mean, they had friends and things, but they were with each other 24, seven the last 30 years. And I can tell you something, they talk to each other like best friends. In fact, I'm gonna tell a little story. Oh, I have something else I wanna say too, but I'm gonna tell a little story. So my mom and dad, one day, they live in a retirement, they did live in a retirement community. And one day I went over and the TV was out and you have to understand at seven o'clock it was jeopardy and at 730 it was Wheel of Fortune. I'm like, what's going on with the TV? And she said, the cable's out and they're fixing it. I go, what have you and dad been doing? She said, we've been talking to each other. I really, about what? And she goes, we talk about this, we talk about this, we talk about this, we talk about that. So I come back a week later and my weekly visit with my mom and dad and the TV's not on. And I said, mom, is the TV fiction? She goes, yeah. I go, what's, you know, why aren't you watching TV? She said, I'm not done talking to your dad. I mean, it was so cute. But what she really meant was we are best friends with each other and that's what's more important than television is to be best friends with your partner. Sadly, and this is something Dr. John Gottman talks about in relationships is most couples, they reach a point where they spend less than an hour a day genuinely talking to each other other than getting the groceries, getting things done around the house. It's more focused on things and not what's coming up with their heart. In fact, John Gottman says, Dr. John and Julie Gottman say, the vast majority of couples they reach a point where they barely are talking to one another. My mom and dad for 66 years talked to each other incessantly. I mean, it was so cute to watch the two of them. It was so adorably cute, but they would talk about anything and everything because that's the kind of relationship they had. They had a relationship that was from the heart. It was juicy, it was delicious, it was healthy. And it took years to get there. But I can tell you, you have a choice. You can choose mediocre or you can choose spectacular. And my goal for everyone is to choose spectacular. Stop choosing mediocre men. And if you need help with that, check out a link to a free discovery call with me because that's my area of expertise. This is resonating with you. Please hit that like button. So more people get to see this. All right, thank you, Doug. Oh, someone says, I agree. I think it's ridiculous to judge a dating coach by his or her marital status. There are many reasons a person is single. The main being they simply haven't found the right person. I had pretty much like the video I shot. You know, it's interesting. A lot of my contemporaries got married when they're younger and they're giving advice based on that experience. Most dating coaches haven't gone through what I've gone through. I have gone through hell and back a number of times. And I'm not talking about when I was in my 20s hell. No, I'm talking about my 40s and 50s kind of hell. I'm talking about losing my quarter million dollar a year job. I'm talking about being addicted to cocaine because I needed, I was self-medicating because I was so depressed. I was talking about losing my quarter million dollar a year job. I've been through alimony, child support, visitation rights, family court, erectile dysfunction. You know, let me be real. I gotta take a blue pill. I'm not happy about it. I have to do it. This is what happens when you've experienced life. I've been through a lot of the experience. I've been through another significant relationship and I've been through the greatest hell of all, losing a child. And so when someone says I'm not qualified, I'm fucking hugely qualified in the area of life and why I wrote my book. It's because it's not about finding a healthy, happy relationship. It's about finding a healthy, happy relationship with self. That's what matters most. My whole coaching program is making you so happy that whether you're in a relationship or not, it's gonna be okay. And that's my invitation. So Stephanie, thank you so much because just because someone learned how to do it once a certain way doesn't mean they've been through hell like some of us have. And most people are single in their 40s, 50s and 60s have been through real pain and hell and not, you know, anyway, I think you get my gist. And yes, I'm a little bit judgmental. All right, let's see if there's more questions. Okay, Linda writes, I think people jump into relationships too fast. Anyways, exactly. Nothing wrong with being alone for a while. It's where I'm right now. And again, this isn't about, listen, I'm gonna say one thing. I am not a big proponent of staying in mediocre relationships unless there's a mutual exchange going on. There's a true mutual exchange. And sometimes a relationship needs a mutual exchange. One person is paying the bills, one person takes care of the home. You may have to settle if there's a reason for it. But ultimately, if you're following my channel, I'm all about leaning into a healthier way of approaching relationships. And the reason why I keep saying leaning in is because I can't stand the fucking narrative around leaning back into your feminine energy. And I wanna address feminine masculine energy for a second before I take my next question. By the way, did anyone get the trivia question right? So why do I have such a hard on against feminine energy? Well, it's feminine energy coaching. And I wanna address this because this is another monkey in the room. It's because it sets ladies up for a very false narrative and it can set you up to actually take you a step backward instead of a step forward. So let me just say this. Masculine is doing and feminine is receiving. And throughout any given day, we human beings spend probably 90% of our time, men and women alike in our masculine, we're always doing, doing, doing, doing, okay? That's what masculine is doing. Feminine is receiving and both men and women need to be able to receive equally. They need to be able to receive equally if you wanna have a healthy, happy relationship. Now what happens with a lot of the feminine energy coaching, it starts to tell you a narrative that if you're controlling, if you're trying to create agendas, if you're being too dependent on a guy, that's masculine energy. That's controlling behavior, criticizing behavior, contempt is not masculine energy. That's just called bad behavior because what you're basically saying is if a man does those things, it's okay because it's masculine energy. No, it's not okay. That's just bad behavior. And what I don't like about the narrative is sets up a lot of you women to be in a expectant role or princess energy where you're expecting the man to do all the heavy lifting. And let me just tell you something. If you wanna be in a juicy, delicious relationship, a relationship is a two lane street, two cars traveling at the same speed or relatively the same speed. It's not about, now, let me be clear. I am all about women and men getting empowered to be empowered in your self-worth, self-reliance, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-love. But that's not feminine or masculine. That is just called empowered energy. And I'm a big believer of being empowered. And when you're empowered, you don't need to lean back. You lean into your sovereignty. You lean into your self-worth. And you recognize that if a person is doing bullshit behavior, like ignoring you, pulling away or leaning back or excuse me, well, they're leaning back. You don't go lean back and go live a happy life and just hope he's just gonna come running back at you. No, you call him out on his bullshit. Let me just tell you something. If you're entering into a relationship with someone, then it should be conscious. It should be intentional. Stop settling for media, stop expecting. Men are just gonna magically do something different because you're just happy living your life. That doesn't, yes, that's good for you. But address the problem. What did I say earlier? The couple, my friends, my parents' friends, they always address their problems before they went to go to bed. Ladies, stop, when a guy stops texting you or isn't texting you back for days, don't go leaning back in your feminine energy and just think he's just gonna magically come back because that's what men do. Because you're just living your happy life. No, that's a fucking crock of shit. Call him out on the bullshit. Find out what the fuck is going on and address the problem because otherwise you're gonna be driving yourself crazy leaning back in your feminine energy. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Hit that like button. All right. All right, I got a lot to scroll through here, everyone. So bear with me. If you have a question, write the word question and then post the question or buy a super sticker like Georgia did. All right, Jolie, first time being live, thank you. Okay, bear with me everyone. Okay, Kelly writes, hey Kelly, I adore you Kelly, big hugs to you. How do you appeal to defensiveness? Sometimes people won't share in responsibility or take ownership but deflect on their partner. Okay, how do you appeal to defensiveness? Not sure if you meant the word appeal but how do we address defensiveness? You know, here's the thing. It's very human to get defensive. I even get defensive, okay? Sometimes it's natural to get defensive if we're not prepared, okay? And that's what oftentimes happens to me. Now, whenever I've done that, I immediately like within 12 seconds to 12 minutes I come back and I apologize for my defensiveness. I've learned that. People who act continually get defensive, well, first off, they oftentimes lack emotional maturity. Okay, one to think defensiveness is a lack of emotional maturity. And consistent defensiveness means this human being needs to do some personal development work. This is why I'm such a big proponent of the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. The Hoffman process is a deep dive into childhood wounds and traumas and it helps you address adult traumas that cause negative patterns and limiting beliefs in one's life. And one of the negative patterns is defensiveness. So when you've done the inner work, and this is a lot of fucking work, I did an eight day deep dive into my stuff and I'm still doing work on a regular basis. So how do you address this? If someone's consistently defensive, chances are they're just not an emotional grownup and they won't make a good partner. So nothing you can do unless I highly recommend going to group there or going to therapy. Now, here's the thing. If you, listen, ladies, if the penis gets to go on the vagina on a regular basis, you have every right to ask for therapy to help improve your relationship. Let's stop being so fucking naive and think that just magic fairy dust is just gonna make it all work out because love solves everything. Who the fuck bought into this stupid narrative that love solves everything? Love doesn't solve everything. Consciousness, commitment, dedication, that's how you get through the difficult times in relationship. Love is the icing on the cake, but you have to be with a fucking grownup. And if you're with, remember I showed you the narrative? If you're with a child, if you're with a child, you're gonna have to be a parent. It fucking sucks being the parent in the relationship. Raise your hand if you've had to be the parent in the relationship and if you have, you know, it sucks. Defensiveness is childlike behavior. Adults lean into conflict resolution. This is why there's a whole chapter. Here, everybody, I got, there's a chapter in this book, Eight Days. It's called Agree to Disagree, Addressing Conflicts. If your partner says, I refuse to go to therapy with you to help improve your relationship, then why the fuck do you wanna be with someone who doesn't wanna work on building the relationship? Choose people that if your relationship needs help, then go seek a professional to help you communicate with one another. And if you haven't bought the book, this book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, I highly recommend you checking this out because this teaches you how to actually have compassionate communication and that's what this is really about. So Kelly, how do you address it? Listen, if you address it head on and if he's deflecting it, then you recommend therapy and if he says no, then cut your ties. Now, chances are when you cut ties, he'll come back begging to fix things if he genuinely cares about you and then work on your relationship together. Most human beings don't know how to be in a juice, healthy, happy relationship because they haven't learned how to be in one. By the way, I wanna change the lighting here for a second. I wanna do something. How much difference did that make? Is that better? Anyway, I hope I answered your question. Thank you, Kelly, your stories, your parents, I appreciate. Okay, oops, the connection went out. Okay, question, totally chill girl. Oh, dude, I just picked my nose. She writes, what are your thoughts on swinging? Well, my thoughts on swinging, couples who swing and what that means is to have multiple sexual partners with other couples I understand is I'm just a big, I just don't like cooties. I don't wanna catch any diseases from someone. I don't wanna take the chance. And also, I'm at a point in my life where, look it, when I was younger, most men, we can sleep with someone and not get attached to them and we can spread our seed, we can do pump and dump as I've said before and not get very attached. Now, I want a heart-centered connection with one person. I wanna dive into the juicy deliciousness of intimacy with one person and exploring Tantra and exploring Kama Sutra and exploring different ways to approach love-making. So I'm just, I don't need to do it with other people. I just wanna focus on one person. That's just me. I don't know about you, but that's how I feel about swinging. I just don't wanna catch cooties. Maybe unless I'm super drunk and hammered, I might do it. I'm just being honest. I hope I wouldn't, but, all right, Heather writes, oops, sorry, Heather. Your question went up the screen. Advice for meeting friends and family of your partner during COVID. Thanks, Jonathan. And as always, I'm sorry for your loss to your son. Thank you so much. Oh, from another brief parent. Oh, I'm sending you a big, gigantic Jonathan bear hug. Okay, so, well, you know what? COVID is now kind of, listen, California is opening up and if California is opening up, you know, most people have gotten vaccinated. Half the country has gotten vaccinated. We're gonna be in herd immunity sooner rather than later. I think of, I wouldn't take COVID in the, oh, I think maybe when you think of elderly parents, it might be a challenge, but I think you could even socially distance and meet someone or certainly do a Zoom connection. What's most important is that you incorporate your family and friends into your life because that develops a strong root in the relationship and relationship needs roots. And one of the most important roots is our community, our tribe. And so, yes, I encourage you all to lean in and invite family and friends in the dating process sooner rather than later, okay? Does everyone have a drink? Oh, by the way, someone did get the question right. Holly go lightly's cat's name was cat. All right, let's see if there's any other questions. A1 says, thank you, Callie, it must be cool outside in the famous red sweater. No, it's actually getting warmer now, but I just thought I'd mix it up today. It's hard to soar with the eagles when you walk with turkeys, a phrase for mediocrity. Yes, and this is why I encourage everyone, men and women like to strive for excellence. Okay, A1 says, everybody please hit that like button. Oh, Susie writes, I'm guilty of watching the feminine energy videos. I felt weird because it's not me and it didn't work for me anyways. I'm so glad I found you. Your advice is working for me. So happy to hear that Susie, thank you. Stephanie writes, love solves everything brought to you by the film industry. Okay, I wanna lean into this for a second because ladies you bought into this stupid fucking narrative that Disney has sold us. Love doesn't solve everything. Commitment, dedication is how you get, and discipline is how you get through the tough times because we can all be magically in love with everybody on the first, second, or third date. And it's not the first, second, or third date, but in the early stage of dating because lust and limerence is driving the bus. Let me repeat that, lust and limerence. If you don't know what limerence is, Google it right now, L-I-M-E-R-C-M-L-I-M-E-R limer, L-I-M-E-R-E-N-C-E limerence. It basically means enthusiasm, over-exaggerated enthusiasm, excitement. That's what happens in the first six weeks when you connect with a brand new human being. You're in limerence. It's about getting past the first six weeks. And love, and to get there, it's gonna require intentionality. It's gonna require dedication, commitment. And what did I say, dedication, commitment? Oh, fuck, now I forget. You know, sometimes I'm just channeling this stuff. I literally, I mean, I literally forget everything I've just shared. That's why when people come back, well, when you said blah, blah, blah, I'm like, I'm channeling. I'm like, this just comes out. This is why I can do free streaming. I don't have any notes. I'm not reading like a script, like a lot of people do. They're reading from scripts. I mean, I have my five bullet points for our topic today. That was it. So dedication, commitment. Oh, and discipline is what I said. That's how you get through the tough times because every relationship is gonna have friction. And sadly, too many people don't know how to get through the tough times and that's why relationships fail. And I'm here to change that narrative because when you act like a grownup, you become more of a magnetic attractor for grownups instead of mediocrity. So thank you so much for your question. I really appreciate that. All right. All right, let's see. Bella writes, I recently told a guy, well, I'm not gonna be on your merry-go-round of women. You have some, you have some at all. You're stopped. He was floored. I guess he thought I was dumb or unaware. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Haiba writes, I love how he criticizes childish guys' behavior, tired of being a parent. By the way, ladies, we men have to be a parent to many of you. By the way, whenever I'm talking about, whenever I may be dashing men, I'm gonna tell you something. Women are just as equally immature in the dating process. A lot of you women are just as childish as men. You just operate from an, I'll be candid with you. A lot of you operate from queen energy, queen energy, which is an entitled energy. And so I'm here to say it's both men and women alike, but I do appreciate what you said because it is a lot of times men. Okay, T. Carr writes, I want to go out for happy hour alone. Do men still? I don't know what the question is. All right. Okay, someone writes, as a man, how do you address erectile dysfunction with your partner? And what is the effective way for her to address ED with her partner? Oh, great question. One of the hardest things to talk about is erectile dysfunction for men. And it's very hard for women to address this as well. This is probably by far one of the touchiest subjects. So I tend to like use humor for me personally. I mean, I'm right off the bat. I'll just say, hey, look, sweetheart, just, you know, before I ever get too intimate with someone. Hey, look, I just want to be upfront. I need a blue pill on occasion. And that's it. I just shut up. I just address it. I just say it and I shut up. That's how I do it. I just do it kind of humorously and try to move through it. But I basically let the person know. Now as a woman, it's a much more challenging conversation. This is a very delicate conversation to have with a man because for men, this can be rather shameful. As we age, biology for women, they have their own biological issues that have come up that makes it difficult. I think what's most important is to have a grown-up conversation. Now, here's the thing. Most grown-up men have already addressed it themselves. It's mostly emotionally immature men that haven't done something about it. And there's always ways around it. In other words, from a sexual perspective, look, we can all use our tongues more often. I'm a big proponent of using the tongue. I hope you get my drift on that. And there's lots of different places you can use your tongue for men and women alike, okay? But I think as a woman, what's most important is feel into your partner's energy, feel into his energy. And you may, not at a sexual time, but a non-sexual time, say, hey, sweetheart, can I ask you a very intimate question? I don't know if you use any type of enhancement, but I just wanted to check in with you and ask you what you do. And if it's okay, we can talk about it because I know I want to have a juicy, delicious sex life with you. And if this is an uncomfortable conversation, I want to talk about this rather than shove it under the rug. So just approach it in a very loving way, tell him how wonderful he is in the beginning, address the issue, and then to bring it up again. This is called the Oreo cookie. Tell him how wonderful he is, address it, and then remind him how wonderful he is. Now, an emotionally healthy man won't get defensive. He won't go into shame. We might feel a little bit of embarrassment, but we can lean into it. Now, someone who gets defensive, someone who gets argumentative, or someone who cours in his insecurity, he's gonna cower in his insecurity and add a lot of facets in his life. So grown-up men can talk about it, and immature men most likely can't. Does this, I hope that helps. So thank you so much for bringing that up. All right, question, just write the word question, so I know what it is, or buy a super stick or a super chat. Okay, okay, one towel writes, what's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear about a woman from the Middle East? What chances a man considers dating from a different culture through online? Well, look it, whether we're talking about someone from a different culture, whether we're talking about someone from a different race, whether we're talking about someone from a different gender, everybody has their own preferences, okay, everybody does. And I think what's most important is not to get hung up on the preferences and more focus on your preferences. In other words, let's not focus on what other people doing, focus on what matters to you most. Ladies, I get a lot of questions centered around, why do men do this and why do men do that? The most important question is, why do you do what you do? Why do you choose emotionally unavailable men? Why do you choose commitment-phobic men? Why do you choose narcissistic men? Instead of asking why they do what they do, why not focus on what you're doing? And so my question is, what is your preferences and focus on that? Don't focus on other people, focus on your own preferences. Is this thinking and is this resonating? Please let me know, hit that like button. All right, if you have a question, oh, Mya writes, I choose to get divorced even if it'll be single mom. I never wanted that to happen. However, I'm much happier divorce than living with a man I don't love. You know, it's interesting. I think I knew, and thank you for sharing by the way, I knew my marriage was gonna end probably the day I got married. I just, on some level, I think we all know we chose the wrong person, we just are blind to it. I'm grateful that our divorce happened when it did. It allowed me to explore myself. One of the things is when you're a meshed with another person, the divorce, once you become un-emeshed, and once the tapestry of that life is over, a lot of times people try to fill that hole. In fact, my next trivia question, I wanna pull this one out. Which film contains the line, hello, you had me at, or excuse me, the film contains the line, you had me at hello. This is also the movie that said, you complete me. The problem with the narrative we live with is that we need someone else to fill our hole, our hole in our heart. This is why so many human beings are codependent upon someone. If you haven't read the book, codependent no more. I had to learn this for myself. So remember when I said I'm the guy that went through alimony, child support, visitation rights, family court, erectile dysfunction, losing a quarter million dollar a year job, rebuilding myself. I also had to learn to love myself because I was ridiculously codependent, meaning I needed you to love me for me to feel good about myself. And so a lot of times we need the divorce to give us a chance to find out who we are. That's what divorce does, it gives us a chance to find out who we are. But we as humans, because we want connection and we want sex, we immediately go back out in the dating pool to fill that I need you complete me bullshit. By the way, what move? Yes, you got it right, Jerry McGuire. So anyway, I don't know if I answer your question but that's my thought. Why do women dislike, okay, Maha writes, my question, why women dislike very nice men? I tend to love bad boys. Okay, that's a great question. And if you haven't read the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Hell and Hunt. Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Heading Hell and Hunt. Oftentimes we're not choosing bad boys, we choose what's familiar. And what's familiar is basically our childhood patterning that stems from our parents. So oftentimes you're not choosing bad boys, you're choosing based on an unhealthy narrative in your life. And what that means is you're gonna most likely have to do the Hoffman process to heal those childhood wounds and traumas so you don't, or read the book, Getting the Love You Want so you can heal past that because here's the thing, emotionally grown up people choose the nice person. Emotionally grown up people choose nice people. Only our ego wants, you know, here's the thing. In my coaching practice, ladies, those who go through my coaching practice, by the way, there's a link to a discovery call here. I help you dismantle the unhealthy ego and rebuild love because unhealthy ego acts very entitled. And it's actually an entitled behavior to choose the bad boy because you're trying to repeat patterns over and over again, coming from a very unhealthy entitled place. And I wanna invite you to heal the wounds so you don't keep choosing the wrong person over and over again. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? I hope it is. Oh boy, I'm just, I've been talking nonstop. I'm gonna have to take a second break and read some. Okay, I hope I helped with your answer. Leaf says, your energy goes where your focus is, correct. Linda, say the same thing for some guys, choose a bitchy woman who treat them like crap. Okay, men choose crappy women, women choose crappy men. It is not singular to a gender. It is a very human behavior. People choose bad people, not bad people. So I often talk about another book. How can every one of you learn how to be a grown-up in relationship? And by the way, the reason why I talk about so many books is because most dating advice is centered around this stupid fucking book called The Rules because it teaches you reverse psychology bullshit. If you want to have a grown-up relationship, then learn to be a grown-up yourself, learn to be an adult, learn all these things I'm talking about and teaching you because it's gonna prepare you to be in the right relationship. Is this sinking in? Is this making a difference? Please let me know. Hit that like button, let me know. All right, I think this is a good time to take a break. Oh, Susan writes, I dated bad boys because that is who I was attracted to and accepted my, accepted to my, wait, to my acceptance and my empathy. Could you, you could be empath. So, well, first off, anyone who's an empath simply means I can feel your feelings. That's what an empath does. An enabler tries to fix someone's issues, not an empath. An empath doesn't try to fix someone's issues. An empath just can feel someone's issues. That doesn't, but a person who loves themselves never sets healthy boundaries for themselves. So, I wanna be careful with the term empath. I wanna say love on yourself, the empathy isn't just I can feel your feelings means I care about your feelings, but it doesn't mean I have to solve your feelings. That's what a boundary is. And if you haven't read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, Brene Brown talks about boundaries, learn boundaries because it's not about being an empath, it's about setting healthy boundaries, at least in my opinion with respects to your comments, Susan. So, thank you so much. All right, everyone. I'm gonna repeat those five things really quickly. Five things all happy couples do before falling in love. And the number four is touchy. First, they express their desires for relationship, for partnership and commitment. Number two, they meet each other's family and friends. Number three, they learn how to resolve conflicts and they know how to fight their. They talk about sex and money. And number five, they determine their common cause that they're dedicated to a common cause and they're fully committed to this cause building a partnership together by exploring one another to see if it makes sense to be in partnership with one another. I hope you found value in this live stream. I wanna thank everyone that was on live, certainly those listening to the recording. I'm gonna say thank you to Susan. I'm gonna say thank you to Nicole from Germany. I'm gonna say thank you to Gentle Soul and Stephanie and Wing Woman and Susan and Laurie and Linda and Jennifer and Tina and Kelly and everyone else that's been on. Thank you so much. I'm gonna wrap up this live stream today. First off, giving myself a big gigantic shot at the barrage of self love. Ouch. I got the shot yesterday or the day before so it was a little sore. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a teddy bearer and pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we can all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now.