 Hi, yeah, I've been gone for a little bit. Hi friends. My name is fairy lights today. I'm back home again for Chinese New Year Hence my setup these beautiful earrings, which I will try to remember to link in the description today I wanted to sit down and chat because it's been a while since I've been on YouTube. I took a break from a lot of social media I didn't post on Twitter. I didn't do anything on Twitch either barely post on Instagram and I haven't posted on YouTube for like over two weeks I think last video was that and the only thing I said was on Twitter I said I was taking a break because I was going through some stuff and I wanted to go through in private before I wanted to Bring it to the public internet knowledge And it's also Valentine's Day today when I'm uploading and it's also Chinese New Year two days ago So I wanted to just do a little look a red look pinkish red look I don't really know where I'm going with it But we'll see how it turns out first thing I'm gonna do is actually get some tape and I want to do some Heart freckles. I don't know how to do them. I didn't bother looking up a tutorial So I'm just gonna cut out heart shapes because your boy does not have heart stickers, unfortunately Also, if you didn't notice my skin is pretty clear now. I finally got it under control not perfect Obviously still some imperfections, but that's how we look. It's amazing. What a good night's sleep can do to your face Oh my god, how am I gonna do this part of me while I take an hour to cut out some hearts See that heart. We got one. Alright, so it turns out my mic at that point just busted up big fat I won't say either way. There's gonna be a voice over for the rest of the video I'm so sorry, but I mean you probably don't really care about me saying in a person because this is about makeup And I'm also just ranting and just telling you all about what's been going on in my life So while I'm taping heart pieces to my face I wanted to talk about the fact that like I broke up with my boyfriend and I got back with him together in four days and I want to explain what I was going through the thought process and Just like the story behind it because it's pretty Movie-like but unintentionally, you know, I like to act like I'm in a romantic movie This was like unintentional, but it's still entertaining to talk about and I figured you all will like it So hopefully you enjoy so if you don't know who my boyfriend is his name is Joey and For privacy reasons, I still have not shown his face I don't want you all to search him up because the whole point is I want to respect his privacy Don't even bother trying to find him on Instagram. I don't follow him for that reason y'all think you can outstock me You don't know who I am. I'm a cancer. We stalk everyone and the whole reason to keep him away from my channel It's not because I don't want him to be on my channel Obviously I do hence why I talk about him But it's just because I like to enjoy the fact that I get to be with him And I don't have to worry about him being criticized by outside world and having you know Unsolicited comments about him because we all know some person's gonna try to be a negative person and just say like Why do you date him? Why not me or something stupid like that? I don't want people to judge my relationship when they don't even know anything about it And I'm also making this video because I want people to stop thinking that my relationship is perfect I want people to stop thinking any relationship on YouTube is perfect or just a relationship in general because it's not YouTubers show what we want to show and obviously I like to be a positive channel So of course I'm going to mainly focus on the positives hence why I took a three-week break because I was very sad at that time I'm putting on foundation by the way. So anyways around a month ago. I started to have some doubts about my relationship I thought like maybe I'm not as happy as I used to be which isn't saying I'm sad It's just saying I felt happier during the honeymoon phase. We're just totally normal I'm just not really used to that feeling of like happiness going down slightly But just because I haven't been in a relationship for that long This was my longest relationship right now My other one was three months long and it was a long distance. So you can't really count that putting on a blush That was not nail polish. It's just packaged like that by the way And we're doing a lot of blush just because we wanted to be you know a look for the girls and the gays and days You know for everyone and at the time Joey was going through some stuff So I didn't want to like bring this up because I just felt like I'll be putting unnecessary pressure on him And I kept it to myself It was during winter break and I said let's wait until we see each other again Maybe it'll spark joy again and like I won't feel as sad as I am right now just because I just feel like I haven't seen Him in a while That's why I felt this disconnect because up until then we got to see each other at least once a week By the way right here. I'm just putting a more pinkish red color around each heart to emphasize it And then I put a little bit of a true red eye shadow right on the center Just so it looks like a gradient You can actually see the heart freckles when I peel them off by the time I saw him again I was still really happy to see him. He bought me really sweet gifts for Christmas like it was just it felt Really nice, but the whole thing was at that point I didn't know if I wanted a boyfriend in general because I started thinking like I feel like I'm Having trouble balancing work and just like YouTube college and then with him And I didn't want to be a burden on to him because I know in the past I would always have to be like oh, I need to edit this video so I can't really hang out or just stuff like that And I always just got into my head and by the way, I still haven't said anything to him at this point This is how secluded I am in my own thoughts So after we hung out I just started to think by myself And I just had this one day of like spiraling down my own thoughts of saying like should I be his boyfriend? Am I doing him injustice by being his boyfriend because I feel like he's more committed to me And I'm not as committed to him and I don't want him to I don't want to drag him along You know, I started getting very paranoid and basically I just Got confirmation bias, which if you don't know that means just look it up Basically, I just asked people for the answer that I already wanted it Which was maybe you should just break up and I just like said, okay, let's just do it If I'm already feeling this way that's probably a sign that I should do it So I told him I was going to his park next to his house and we would just meet up Can you meet me here? It was around 25 degrees that day. So yeah, fuck my life We met and I just said I think we have to break up and at that point like before I even saw him I was crying on the way there through the subway. I was crying when I said it I started crying So yeah, it was a rough moment. He just stood there in shock like he didn't say much I think he said a total of three sentences in the whole span that I was just like talking to him And the thing is I said nothing I just said we were breaking up and then like the other hour 30 was just filler words because I didn't even explain to him why we broke up all I said was I just don't feel as happy as I used to and I Feel bad dragging you along I don't want to do this because I feel like you deserve someone better and he would ask me like why Didn't you tell me this earlier, which is totally true. I should have told him earlier I just felt bad because the things that I wanted to change in our relationship was like on him sort of like Can you change the way you say this like sometimes it upsets me Can you just do this instead? You know just little things and I took it as I would be forcing him to change who he is to fit like who I want Granted that's unrealistic to be like two people automatically fit together like a perfect puzzle And I just I wasn't really thinking I just basically didn't want to say it because I thought it would be too embarrassing too So I just said the stuff that I want to change I feel like isn't possible to and I don't want to force you and that's all I said to him So he didn't really get an explanation why and he was just left dumbfounded, which is like it's so bad And here's what we get to that freaking movie plot So by the time we have like one less kiss one less hug We separated and he went down one side of the park and I had to go down the other side to go back to my train So before we turned around and walked away. I told him, please don't look back Like I know it'll upset you and they'll just make things worse and he told me I can't promise you that and That's when I started walking away. I mind you I'm waddling away because it's so cold and I'm still crying no tissues I forgot to bring them and I just knew he was looking at me. So I turn around I see him just standing at the staircase just staring back at me. I keep walking down. He's still staring at me I turn a left and I'm crossing trees, but I can still see him at the staircase and by the time I get to the edge of My staircase he's still staring at me and I just I wave goodbye. I sent a little heart and I'm walking down I started walking down to my train station and Part of me was like I feel like something is about to happen and I turn around he is sprinting towards me He's around five feet away. I didn't even hear him running towards me It was just intuition and I had my AirPods in maybe that's a sign Don't I don't read into it, please But he just gave me a one-less hug we hugged for like a whole minute there It was just on the side of the road and people were walking by while I was crying I told him like why did you come back like why are you doing this and he said I know I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't That shit hurts So it's just so it's so weird because I haven't thought about it since this and I'm like talking about it right now So it's just it's making me a little emotional and while we were walking away like I sent a text and I was like goodbye Thank you so much for being in my life. I'm so sorry for doing this and he told me it's okay Like I know I'm crying right now and you were crying too But these are this is out of love and that I know you're making the best decision for you and me and I trust You and I wish you good luck in life, and I hope you're successful as you are now And I will be successful for you too, and it's just like the most Mature and sweetest goodbye that I could have received and I just I just part of it was like why don't you just hate me? Like why please just hate me because it makes it so much harder So I cried on the way home like I was just sobbing on the subway with a mask to mask on if you were just looking at me weirdly I was crying up the way to the apartment and Crying at my door, and then I opened the door, and I'm just like sobbing because my roommates started hugging me so it was it was a rough three-hour trip thing and I cried for another hour on my beanbag until I eventually passed out from crying and I said to him like I don't want to lose contact with you 100% like I I would love to be your friend like I would still want to help you with anything if you need something or if you just want to go out and just talk and You have my number like I will let you contact me on your accord when you're comfortable I'm not going to message you until then so because I wanted to give him privacy like I told him you can block me everywhere You don't have to stay here like you can leave our discord server. I just I want you to be able to have closure and The problem was like technically we never got closure and I'm gonna get to that soon by the way I'm filling in my eyebrows with Glossier boy brow and also liner brow liner I think is what it's called and the eyeshadow is the same color as I use in my blush And I'm just centering the red towards like the inside of my eye Asian eyes are really weird to work with but just just look At where I'm putting it all makes sense So for the next three days, it was just like every day cry Listen to the song you were good to me because those lyrics hit home so deeply it was like too real and On the fourth day, I just I saw something that reminded me of him And I just like I sent it to him because I thought I would cheer him up And I asked him how's he doing and he told me like I'm doing okay. I don't really feel anything anymore It's kind of sort of like this limbo stage and I once again I said like I'm sorry and then just I feel terrible and I said do you have anything to say to me? And all he said was I just wish you told me this sooner So we could have tried to work this out and that's when like like the whole time we broke up I was like I did it because I thought that I would feel better without a boyfriend and That he would feel better without me But every day after we broke up felt miserable and I was like I didn't think I would be this sad And it made me start to doubt didn't make the right decision because I know that like I'm not prone to giving second chances Just because I kind of like have trust issues But I felt like we didn't even bother trying to make it work because I didn't even tell them what was wrong Which is so not right in a relationship. It was so one-sided back to the makeup I'm putting brown eyeliner towards the edge of my eye just to like lengthen it a little bit not really a wing It's just to give the illusion that I have bigger eyes And I'm also putting that same blush color underneath my bottom lash line. No mascara. We hate mascara here And my inner corner is just a glitter. I always do that. You all know that and look at my heart freckles Didn't they come out so good? I didn't have to touch them up So I told him like do you want to just talk it out at I'm watching the square park so I can explain to you like my thought process and just tell you why I thought we should break up and obviously he said yeah And we started talking about like random stuff and I was like would you do this all over again? And he said I would do this in a heartbeat. I would take your second chance in a heartbeat I would do everything in a heartbeat because I have no regrets. I loved what happened between us I like I loved the past five months. I know he wasn't doing this on purpose to mess with my brain But it's just like I started messing with my brain. I was like Frederick You were about to lose the best person you've ever had in your life Are you making the right decision figure it out right now because you might just be in your head So I told him okay, let's meet up. Let's just it's not guaranteed second chance. Let's just first talk it out So here's another movie scene. I'm waiting at Washington Square Park And it's it's right after it snowed So everything is still like white and there's snowmen everywhere and I'm waiting at a bench I waited for 10 minutes and I look up and he's just he's right across from me Just staring at me across the gate and he's just waving and he climbs across the gate to talk to me And I just told him like I'm not going to say everything on here just because you know privacy But I told him I wish you could say this instead. I wish we were more like this, you know Sometimes this upsets me and all he said was that's it You think that was going to be forcing me to change myself and he told me the whole point of a healthy relationship Is that you feel comfortable communicating this stuff to each other so that we can better each other and become better people And have a healthier and better relationship and I was like, yeah, that makes so much sense I'm such a dumbass and he told me like I just wish you never felt scared to tell me and He would do all of those things like so easily. It's nothing out of his way. He said And that like I just started thinking and self-reflecting like there wasn't really anything wrong with our relationship. It was just I felt something I felt some things were off between us because I wouldn't communicate with him And he didn't know the stuff he was doing was wrong and it's not like red flag It's just little things that sometimes annoy me or maybe upset but I just kept it to myself and That's that's wrong of me to do that because he deserves to hear that too because then how else is the relationship going to change I just told him like do you want to try again? And he said of course So I said, okay, let's let's try this. We hugged it out and I told him the next day Let's just hang out see how it goes like let's just try to feel normal again because it was a long week and He also got me a muffin when we met because like that's just who he is And the muffin did not convince me to give him a second chance It was just a very sweet thing that he did on his end Also, I don't want anyone to think that I am going back together with him for the sake of Not wanting to make a we broke up video or like feeling like I would never find someone else It's not that it's just the way he makes me feel Every day it's something I've never felt before and maybe I don't want to lose that obviously I don't want to lose that But it's just I think I would be dumb to lose it and not even bother trying to make something work Because I'm just too scared to even talk to him and now ever since that we've been able to just feel more comfortable And I feel like I trust him even more now. I know I trust him more So I guess if I had any advice, you know, if there's anything I had to say in this video, it's that Hold on. I'm putting a lip gloss right now I put a reddish pink lipstick in the center of my lips, dabbed it out and then put a lip gloss over it If you're curious, but if there's any tips I have to say is number one Don't fantasize about relationships just because you see them online try not to at least I know it's a hard habit and a lot of us do it I'm victim of that too But this is proof that no relationship is perfect because you could have dumbesses like me who do stupid stuff like this And also if you are in a relationship, please don't be scared to talk to your partner about how you feel Just be honest because honesty and good communication make a relationship work And that is the biggest I everyone always says it but it's actually true and this is like I'm telling you right now. This is the reason why it's very important If you're single right now on valentine's day enjoy being single. It's nothing to be ashamed about It's nothing to feel sad about because you only get this temporary. This is most likely going to be a Smaller portion of your life because what you're less than 20 years old I'm assuming and you're gonna live to like probably 80 knowing us maybe the world ends I don't know so just enjoy while you have it because our relationship is commitment It is work and on top of other work such as school and homework You're going to be more stressed no matter what and you may not be ready to go through that So work on yourself first make sure you're at a good point in your life before you think to have other people Go into your life because if you can't even take care of a plant I don't know how you're gonna take care of another human that being said I can take care of 20 plants So joey you're welcome and I guess at the end of the day Just don't always talk to your friends. Maybe think about your own opinion Don't try to have other people to tell you what to do because you should be able to handle your own Conclusions and your own thoughts. It may be useful to go to your friends But they don't know your person like you do so go with your gut Not your gut go with your brain think about it think it through please and that's the final look so I hope you guys enjoyed your chinese new year if you are asian or you just celebrated and I hope you have a wonderful valentine's day. Hope you're staying safe. I know it's still a lot going on Sorry, I haven't posted in a while I've just been through a lot and I wanted to have some time to myself because I was moping but now I'm back at home And I'm happy again and I feel ready to upload more videos. So I'm bulk recording right now I'm planning on starting streams again in a side note. I'm finishing college in one year I'm taking 19 credits this semester and it's it's a good amount of work, but nothing I can't handle I'm just trying to push it off until I can have more free time in the summer And I figured it's better for me to make better quality videos than just pump out one video a week Because I knew you guys didn't enjoy that as much and I didn't enjoy it as much and you could tell I also sound sad right now. I'm just tired. It's 12 a.m. Give me a break and I hope you all understand If you're curious on whether or not I'm uploading just make sure to keep track on our twitter I'll always be there until you guys and update you on my life and just know that if I don't upload a week I'm not dead. I'm still here just probably going through stuff and having to finish homework And with that being said if you enjoyed this video give it a like leave a comment down below Subscribe for more videos whenever I have time to post social medias are all right here Go follow my twitch. None of y'all follow it, but we stream pretty often follow my instagram I post really cute photos there. I posted a selfie of this earlier and follow my second channel for more makeup and skincare My gaming channel and my pocket channel and as always I love you all and everything is less than three