 So a few days ago I received a call from a client of mine who's recently engaged and we were just catching up Before the wedding and she wanted to just remind me how much she appreciated Working with me as a coach and one of the things I told her she was reminding me of that There are really good men out there and more importantly I helped her understand men and differentiating between the men who are capable of a relationship Forces those that are not capable of a relationship and more importantly Capable of a relationship at her level because most guys operate in her past experience Operated this level and she operated at this level So I thought to myself today would be a good time to talk about what to look for in men Who are not capable of action who actually fail at relationships Particularly with the men in the age of over 40 bracket because a significant percentage of people in the over 40 over 45 bracket are divorced I would roughly say about 75 percent of people Many women who are actively in the dating marketplace who are over 45 years old looking around in the dating marketplace are divorced and why is it important to understand divorce people because They typically have a relationship that failed or didn't work out So today I'm going to lean into those three reasons why men fail at Commitment when they're over 45 years old Now some of you are regulars on my channel probably notice the background is a little bit different I am currently at my girlfriend's place We're packing up her place because she's moving to California in a few weeks and I'm helping her out So you might notice the background in addition You might have seen some repurposed videos coming out that look like live videos And they were actually reruns of previous live videos So I just wanted to acknowledge that and then till I get my studio built in my new place There's still gonna be some reruns, but I will try to shoot another video too from here for my girlfriend's place Okay, so now let's dive into those three reasons why men fail at commitment Well speaking of my girlfriend I was just this morning we were talking about some of her her marriage and some of her past Relationships and we're kind of exploring Well, what's the difference between what she's experiencing with me versus some of the men she had dated in the past and certainly in her past relationships and She was actually shared with me a couple books that she purchased after her first marriage Marriage ended so I want to share with you because you guys know I'm a big believer in books and by the way all the books I recommend are in the description below and Jonathan recommends books But this is a book she turned me on to and I just began reading it today So I can't endorse it yet, but making your second marriage a first class success And you're thinking to yourself well, you might be thinking well Jonathan I may not want to get remarried, you know at midlife. I'm here to say What's the purpose of dating if you don't want to go the distance with the person you're involved in? What's the point of sleeping with someone if you don't want to go the distance? So it occurs to me that one of in fact It's one of the things I teach in my private coaching by the way You can see a link right here the schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you One of the things I think it's really important is to understand the mechanics To a healthy happy relationship. That's right the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship This is why I continually recommend this book or one of the books by the Gottmans This is by John Gottman called the seven principles of making marriage work Why I think we have to recognize that Marriage is the ultimate commitment and while many of you may not want the ultimate commitment The point is is many of you want the fundamentals of commitment Fundamentals of commitment and one of the primary fundamentals of commitment is trust That's right trust and trust isn't just about Fidelity trusting the other person might sleep with someone else. I believe the most important aspect of trust is Does this person? Have my best interest at heart is this person who I'm giving my heart to I'm giving my body to I'm giving my Time and energy to do they have my best interest at hand and Sadly these days in the dating marketplace many people I would venture to say even 80% of the population don't operate from that premise That's right. 80% don't operate from that premise because dating quite frankly today Isn't about courting someone for a long-term commitment dating is really just hooking up I am calling it for what it is. I am declaring this right now. Dating has just replaced hooking up That's right It's an opportunity to hook up for a short period of time Maybe a couple dates till you have sex and then you never see the guy or maybe for a few weeks or a few months And then they go I'm not ready for a relationship It's just merely a form of hooking up and I'm here to say if you want to actually Achieve a healthy happy relationship then it's time to set your standards much higher than you ever had before and this starts by Getting crystal clear on who you are and what you want and I say this because I get calls from women all the time saying Jonathan, I know what I want. I know what I want. I know what I want And then they go through my proprietary coaching program and you know what they say Why didn't they teach me this in school? Why didn't my parents teach me this? Why didn't I learn this before I dated the wrong guy? Folks if you want to shift your relationship narratives, then it's time that you get fully educated on Understanding men and in particular understanding the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship Now the other thing is learning how to weed out the guys who are ready for a relationship Versus the ones who are not and this is why we're going to lean in today to the three reasons why men fail at relationships and maybe by Understanding this you can predict their behavior and when you can predict their behavior you can start making better choices That's right. You can make better choices. This is all about choice It's it's the sliding doors. Is it do I go down this road or go? I don't go down this road and many of you are going down the road of fantasy hoping that magic fairy dust will change a guy and then you find yourself single over and over and over again or Disappointed over and over again and what happens and this is the shitty thing that happens is you become bitter and jaded towards men And I'm here to say there are really good good men out there They're just a little bit clueless But you can direct them because you were in charge of your relationship destiny So let's lean into those three reasons why men fail at relationships and we'll get into q&a shortly thereafter So I'm going to pull up my notes Because I want to share with you what I actually wrote and First and foremost the number one reason men fail at relationships over 40 is because They don't know what they want. That's right. How many of you have heard men say I just want a casual relationship I don't you know, let's not put labels on it. Let's just see how it goes If a man doesn't clearly know what he wants then how can he know how to choose somebody? Because the reality is is if you listen We have all been indoctrinated in the belief that chemistry equals Relationship success and if you've been following my channel and you know my relationship iceberg not only is it about chemistry It's about compatibility. It's about alignment. Do you share the same values are your lifestyles blendable and more importantly Does this person have the emotional maturity to actually lean into a healthy happy relationship? So if a man doesn't know what he wants and the reason why men over 40 often times Don't know what they want is because they went through a divorce and 80% of the time maybe even 90% of the time that was a contentious divorce and if a man had a contentious divorce It makes it difficult to know what he wants because men in their 20s and 30s Or at least for those of us who are baby boomers and gen Xers Most men in their 20s and 30s wanted to start a family with someone so they were looking for a wife They had an idea of what a wife looked like Well, then the minute you go through a divorce everything that you thought you knew was wrong And if you don't learn the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship if you don't understand yourself being the man How can you know what you want in a relationship and most men operate from the premises? I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it I'll believe it when I see it instead of operating like the growers and builders I talk about in my channel growers and builders of the men who clearly know what they want They choose partners that they can grow and build partnership with so number one do they know what they want? One of the things I teach in my private coaching is how to Uncover that out of a man. Which question should you be asking to really filter in is this guy? Legitimate or is he gonna be wasting my time? So number one, does he know what he wants? number two Does he have good relationship skills or what the reason why they fail? Let me excuse me is that they have weak or terrible relationship skills particularly in the area of conflict resolution If you by the way My girlfriend gave me a couple books that she's been reading one is called marriage is a promise of love And she also gave me a book of like 50 successful marriage 50 or excuse me 20 successful marriages for people have been married over 50 years Why am I talking about marriage so much because marriage as I said earlier is kind of the ultimate commitment And when you think about it when you examine and study Good marriages. What is the common denominator? Almost everyone will tell you is That when they had a problem in the relationship, they worked as a team to overcome the problem That's right. They worked as a team to overcome the problem. That means each one of them What's known good conflict resolution skills because most Relationships are gonna have little bumps in the road a little bit of conflict and the question really becomes Will your partner listen to what you have to say? except what they have to say is being true for them Acknowledge that that's their truth and you do the same for them And it's sometimes it's okay to just it's okay to agree to disagree But ultimately it's not about being right People who men and women who fail at relationships. By the way, I said earlier Well, first off many women who fail at relationships is because they'd rather be right than they'd rather be happy And let me just say this for this video Everything I say about men fail at relationships women do the same because as I said earlier women Clearly don't know what they want because they keep choosing the wrong guy over and over and over again expecting different results Isn't that the definition of insanity? Okay, so number three the reason why men fail at relationships Is because they're not committed to commitment. That's right They're not committed to being in a committed relationship in other words They're not committed to wanting to be a partner with someone This is one of the primary reasons why people remember I said earlier dating is just hooking up It's because it's done back ass ass backwards Do you know it used to be if a man wanted to have sex with a woman you had to make the ultimate commitment? Well these days you can have sex with making little or no commitment with someone and ladies the bottom line rests with you because men Women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment The reality is is women choose whom they have sex with and men choose who they want to commit to So isn't it interesting that sex happens so early on these days in relationships with little or no commitment? Not even the commitment of calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Oh, let's not put labels on it It was what a lot of guys say Ultimately you have to set the bar much higher because when you set the bar higher You're gonna weed out a lot of the riffraff. In fact, if you look at the description below I've established my Relationship the dating vows and the dating vows is simply an agreement with one another to say we're gonna explore this Relationship we're gonna agree to be monogamous. We're gonna agree to take our relation or our profiles off the dating apps If that's where you met we're going to agree that if there's problems We're gonna talk about it. Ultimately, we're gonna agree as what to this relationship looks like check out in the description I've got it listed below in the description my dating vows, and it's just a merely it's Listen, this is not an absolute. This is merely a guideline. Take it for what it's worth But if you're gonna be actively out there seeking a relationship and you're gonna be actively having sex Then you should set the bar much higher because these days the bar is so low that Dating is merely an opportunity to hook up because dating no longer is about courting For probably 80% of the guys thankfully there are great guys out there my clients. I mean, they're getting engaged They're getting married. They're living together with people. So it definitely is happening I just want to put the odds in your favor And again if you need some help with that check out a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach Is right for you and check out the links below to see if again I can help you on your path of attracting a great relationship in your life All right for those who know me know this is my time for our Q&A Yes, I'm live today. I'm in my girlfriend's bedroom. We are gonna do a short Q&A So if you have a question to ask me simply in the chat box if you're listening If you're watching live right now post a question write the word question and post the question there after or you can Purchase a super sticker super chat all the monies for the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor as like who passed away It's been four over four years now and in his name I've started a scholarship fund to donate to causes like the Hoffman process Inside institutes as well as other charities. So again purchase a super sticker super chat And if you're watching the replay you can purchase a super thing So let's do our Q&A now and let's see what the audience has to say By the way, it's great to see everyone. I by the way did this content resonated with you? Did it make sense? I hope it did All right, let's go through here Kimberly says I don't think your girlfriend wants to be on camera. She's actually at the The U-Haul store getting boxes because she ran out. So that's what she's doing right now But she's not ready to be on camera But hopefully she would like to share with her with every one of you how she feels about our Relationship and how she feels about our conversations because I incessantly talk about relationships With her at least my clientele and whatnot All right, let's see what else we have here You have a question post the question. Oh, here we go. All right Kimberly says When are you planning to introduce us to your girlfriend? Is she simply shy? You know what? She does feel a little bit shy She's not ready because she doesn't she's not used to being in front of the camera I'm gonna tell you it took me about six years Before I got up the nerve to be in front of the camera So let's give her a little bit of space because I don't think she's ready yet But I definitely will get her on camera sooner rather than later All right, Jennifer says oops, wait a minute Jennifer says What about men over 50 in no commitment? I'm finding some of these men as well. Yes, I'm gonna say roughly about 80 percent By the way, I'm making up this statistic I was saying most roughly about 80 percent of the population either has clinical mental health Or emotional health issues or they're roughly about 20 percent and about 60 or rather dysfunctional So while they might want companionship connection and sex, they're not able to dive deeper into commitment So my job as a coach is to steer you towards the 20 percent Who are the growers and the builders those men who want partnership and how to Put the odds in your favor. That's what I do as a coach because the chances are You know 99 out of 100 men you meet aren't a good fit for you Anyway, but wouldn't you rather narrow it down to like five guys? Wouldn't you rather have your odd if one out of five instead of one out of 100? I think if you want one out of five work with someone like myself to help you get there So yes, it's this true for men over 50 even men over 60 All right, Sandra said oh wait, let's see joy says Oh, Wanda says Jonathan. Thank you for all your advice. I really appreciate that Wanda. Thank you All right, joy says How many dates approximately should a woman go on to develop attraction? I'm trying to be open and dating men based on values more than chemistry I think it take I think let's face it If there isn't some level of mutual attraction by the third date, it's hard to Okay, a man has to be attracted to you to want to ask you out on the second date And he certainly has to be attracted to you. Well, here's the problem with men Men's barrier to have sex on level of attraction could be kind of low Their level of attraction to want to be in a relationship is much higher And their level of attraction for commitment is even higher than that So it is a little bit tricky, but men need a low barrier of attraction to want to have sex with you This is and by the way ladies you should be aware of this. What do men think of on a first date? We oftentimes think about sex So understand that's how men operate. Okay now as far as your level of attraction It should be are you attracted? Is he a good person first and foremost? Does he have can you sense he has good character? Do you sense that you're on the same page? in wanting commitment Okay, and lastly, are you attracted enough To at least be willing to kiss him if you look at if he's got teeth that if he's missing his front teeth And he's got a beer gut the sides of texas. I can understand why you may not want to kiss that guy I get it I feel the same way about a woman who was missing teeth and had a beer gut the size of texas Okay, but ultimately you have to be attracted enough to at least want to kiss him But more importantly Does he have character? And are you on the same page if you at least have those two things? I would give yourself a little time to see if he's charming enough to Woo you a little bit to become more attracted than you might have felt on the first day That's my invitation for you because good men are worth investing a little more time than the than those You know, I'm going to read you a quote I want to read you a quote This was a meme I got the other day Okay It says the Buddha says If you meet someone and your heart pounds your hands shake and your knees go weak That's not the one when you meet your soulmate You'll feel Calm you'll feel calm no anxiety and no agitation Okay, when you meet the soulmate, you'll feel calm no anxiety and no agitation. That's what it should feel like So Joyce I always feel like give a guy so long as you're not totally grossed out by him Give him a chance based on his character his values and your alignment to both wanting the same thing All right. I hope that helps. Thank you so much Joyce Susan writes Why do men over 60 want friends with benefits and not a relationship? You know why because you women will give it to them That's right. Women will have sex with men these days with little or no barrier to entry So if enough women are willing to have sex with men with women little or no Barrier to entry Then it makes it easier for men to get their physical needs met And then you know what happens when enough women give men their physical needs met These men start to lose interest in even wanting a relationship because there's this belief that there's another swipe There's another woman you could swipe on that'll just have sex with you Don't worry. What other people do what men are doing Focus on what you're doing set your standard Who cares if men over 60 want friends with benefits or no relationship? You don't care what you care about is being an attractor to the men who want a deeply committed relationship God universe spirit I invite in and align myself to a man where we have mutual chemistry with one another Where we where we have excellent communication with one another Where we share the same values with one another and our lifestyles are blendable with one another And lastly we can build the deep roots of trust. I know there are many men who don't fit that role And yet I know god universe spirit You will align my line me to that person because that's where I operate and I really don't give a shit That there are men who only want friends with benefits or no relationship because I'm Setting my standard for those men who do want that god universe spirit. I invite that in All right, use that prayer All right, I hope that helps and thank you so much Okay ever steal heart. Hi, jonathan. Thank you. What about single men over 40 who have never been married? Are they failing at commitments? You know, one of my dearest friends um didn't get married until he was 45 First time and he had his first child at no at 49 So he got married at 45 46 and had his first child at 49 now He's definitely the exception. Not the rule. Here's the thing. I look at these days Especially for women who have not been married at age 40 I think a lot of people were smart not to get married in their 20s and 30s And they they bypass their starter marriage and honestly people who get married in their 40s Actually have a greater chance of relationship success. Now. I will tell you a lot of men who didn't get married Probably they dodge bullets just like a lot of women who didn't get married before age 40 dodge bullets but ultimately Yes, they may not have gotten married, but Listen, just because someone got married doesn't mean they're a success at a relationship Think about it. If 75 percent of singles over 45 years old are divorced That means that's a big percentage of people that fail that relationship So just because they made a commitment doesn't make them in fact Many people who have been divorced are less likely to get committed in the future So I wouldn't set yourself. I listen you can meet a guy 41 years old never been married You got a point blank ask him is marriage in the cards for you And if yes, what does commitment look like for you ladies start asking the deeper questions You guys all focus on the stupidest fucking questions. You go. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. You guys are kramer from seinfeld You guys are asking Such mediocre questions if you really want to go deeper Then I invite you to read these books that i'm talking about read these books Read these books. These are just some there's a link below so you can learn Better questions because guess what mediocre questions is going to develop mediocre results And I want to invite you to have much better question Ah I'm thirsty All right All right, this is going to be our last question of the day. So let's see who we've got Oh I went all right. We're this is going to be our last question from trina who just purchased a $9.99 super sticker Thank you so much I've been in a long-term relationship for 10 years off and on again We need some tweaking an emotional intimacy connection. What book do you recommend for us as a couple? Thank you Trina great question. By the way in the link below in the description below There's a book I recommend called emotional intimacy by robert masters emotional intimacy by robert masters in addition I invite you to purchase the book nonviolent communication by marshal rozenberg and the book. I hear you These are three really great books and again in the description below under jonathan recommend books I highly recommend reading especially emotional intimacy because when you understand the mechanics to emotional intimacy You can begin to weave in the fabric in your communication with one another and some of the tools to actually build deeper roots of trust What emotional intimacy does it builds those weaker or those stronger roots of trust? Excuse me Because trust as I said earlier in this broadcast is about does this person have my best interest at heart? And that is going to happen through emotional intimacy. Listen folks Those of us are from the baby boom generation the gen x generation We were indoctrinated that Men are supposed to be the provider protectors. That was our sole role when I got married in my 20s All I focused I didn't focus on being a husband I didn't understand emotional intimacy. My job was to make money pay the bills make money pay the bills make money pay the bills I didn't know how to build intimacy with a partner. Sure. We had sex on occasion Okay, I bet I was pretty much a typical marriage on occasion But we didn't know how to build emotional intimacy for relationships to be successful today Emotional intimacy is a critical piece To actually have a thriving relationship where you want to genuinely be partners with one another And again, I highly recommend the books I list below and I hope trina You're it sounds like you're in a great place And I hope by doing reading this together you guys can build that deeper emotional intimacy with one another So you can have a juicy delicious relationship that can withstand the test of time All right, folks, this has been my live stream from my girlfriend's bedroom Um, I will as I said before I've been running reruns lately. So I hope you don't mind It's gonna happen until I build my studio out in about another two weeks I'll try to do another video from here before I I take off to go back to los angeles And I hope you found value. Did this content resonate with you? Please let me know Please give me a thumbs up. Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new to watching me And again if this resonated with you post a comment below I'd like to hear your thoughts about what I shared today And I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off Give myself a big gigantic jot and bear of itself love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it We could all use more love in our lives Okay, I want to thank Jennifer and Jolene and Carrie and uh, Mimi and maria And even steelheart or evis Eva steelheart and trena and kimberley's in the house from chicago carry leah Susan denise Ella, tony sylvia everyone. Thank you so much wishing you a super duper wonderful fantastic day. Bye now