 Welcome to episode number 27 of the Martin and Michael fully actual podcast man we've got fucking smooth look Bosley's still around I'm a dilemma he's defied all odds what have you done why is in the couch move back Matt don't know too late now fuck me everyone's gonna be so annoyed actually it's gonna not make sense to say that because technically the couch is here for when our guest arrives no why is my couch not moving back oh your couch isn't moving back oh I have no idea makes me sad anyway anyway means you'll have to concentrate fuck yeah so Bosley's still here that's the good he's defied all odds they only gave him a few days and yep and they only gave me one thing of the medication and said off you like bring it back once he's gone and if that's done now and I've had to go get a refill so basically that means and that proves you can live forever yeah so fuck me it's hard it's scary to get my hopes up but um yeah he seems he's like nearly back to a hundred percent health well I walked in today and he was galloping around yeah well then they did say though they said you know it's he'll seem completely fine and then it'll just bleed his heart and then born so that's why I haven't left him he's just never alone now God that is just tragic to think yeah but anyway let's talk about something else now we've got a fucking guest coming on today he's an international comedian mr. Sam Talon he's touring Australia at the moment if you haven't heard him check him out is at Sam talent on Instagram and talent with the double L and yeah he's he's like a pretty damn big in America and the legend yeah he's a really cool guy too we have already interviewed him that's why we're speaking like it's past tense with so we film the interview first and let me tell you we can prank the out of him we pretend that Matt is disabled and you know like the wheelchair was nearby and made this full elaborate back story and he fully thought the Matt was like disabled it was and then at the end you'll see what happens at the end yeah yeah okay yeah just wait for the end of the interview something very funny that happens we pranked him but anyway what else we got fucking we got Matt vs. Mike should we do some questions or we don't see many questions I can look some okay well how about we do that hey we'll answer some of your questions because we want to bring back Q&A but we haven't posted an episode yet so we're still filming and this is during our week off and we've got one in the bank that is not age restricted so we fucking we've cracked it guys not one more podcast is going to be age restricted but the problem is oh yeah there's a big problem we found out that like there's just some bits that like a fair few well not a fair few was only most of it no not most of it at all it was like there was like four short bits that they wanted us to censor basically well at least it wasn't too much I thought it was heat yeah but now at least we're learning what is okay saying what is not but we're going to keep the uncensored ones the ones that you guys like listening to we're gonna keep them and we're gonna post them somewhere okay somewhere for free so you guys don't have to pay for them and then we'll just have to post the more censored ones on YouTube but yeah we'll try and show which parts are censored maybe we'll just have like long bleeps or something they'll probably want us to cut it to be honest well fuck let's see um what if we we do our cuts and make it happen right and we put it on YouTube and then after a certain amount of time you can release the the unedited version on your website well I think we'll just have it there yeah straight away so you can either go to there or here or there it might be rumble it might be the website it might be we'll do it a week week behind though so like it'll be the censored version well not censored but the you know the r18 rated jokes version will be posted on YouTube and then the r18 plus version will be posted somewhere for free a week later yeah that's perfect that's horns Davidson so basically we're fixing things slowly and it's getting better but you can still watch it on Spotify we don't have any issues yeah that's true yeah well you can listen yeah that's true yeah well you can listen to it then and it's Spotify gets videos soon which we think we will yeah Spotify could be the spot if I could be a new place so the uncensored audio version will always be on Spotify because Spotify is less crazy rules or we aren't just big enough yet to be on their radar but I guarantee that'll happen eventually to anyway what else have we been up to man do you want to hear some news from around the world for fuck's sake this is fucking wild Matt's been dressed like that for five days so um does everyone know what a bikaki scene is yes Matt so age restricted so a Japanese porn star drowned and died is that legit from semen no way that's bullshit how many dudes I don't know the full ins and out you gotta find that out boy we should do a video like the world's biggest I want to know I want to know can you look it up now we should do a video and set a world record for the world's biggest ever or G like not participate but just will organize and sit back and watch like imagine just a thousand people in front of you have to go there'd probably be a lot of legalities no no we'll just do it here yeah okay well I guess if it's on private property yeah we can't do it in public but okay I can sort of find out how many okay yes this is what I want so there was 30 you can't drown from 30 loads if you do you deserve it she maybe she's got it stuck in her teeth ah the director insisted that it all goes into her mouth and she's choked on it I was a bit it out it's I'm sorry if I'm drinking and then I don't want to continue drinking I spit it out you don't need to be angry about this just yeah I don't know what's going on here yeah yeah it's just because you didn't have the numbers straight away I just wanted to know because I was like now I know 30 it makes me even matter 30 dudes should not kill someone yeah so she started choking and and now and she was unable to breathe because I guess it's thick and and yeah she swallowed too much load apparently anyway that's some good news yeah I guess that's good news man anyway what else are we being up to and fucking first week back at well not first week back at a shorter week last week because Bozzie was sick but what have we been doing this week what do we film we're doing high hiking to tomorrow it's gonna be fun so that'll be fun we're just gonna get blazed as fucking I believe it's Lord of the Ring themed we have found you will not believe this Matthew Brown but there is a part a place in Brisbane in the out of suburbs called guy what the fuck Julian Tennyson Woods these woods are named after Julian's grandfather and we're going to go through we're gonna hike through them anyway excited about that also another exciting thing about the website it can confirm that by the time you guys are hearing this I think the new website will be launched yeah holy shit so yeah not next money yeah this oh my god you guys the new website is live we have we have Zach arse from Jack arse for the movie he sends us his deleted fucking fucked up videos I got deleted from YouTube and shit and same with Kylovik this other content creator we've been watching for years if you guys think we're fucking nuts like some of the videos I'm just like holy shit one of his mates gets so badly burnt that he's in a coma for three weeks no two months there's two months two months yeah and it's self and self oh it was so hard to watch cuz he's just like fuck get the fire off get the fire off fire for like over I'd say 20 seconds oh man it's like far too long yeah and then there was another stunt they did where he's fucking stapled his mates tongue to his balls there's just some gnarly fucking shit man yeah so Kylovik and Zach arse are on the website now they're gonna be posting weekly episodes as well if you want to have a look free trial link in the description so this is the start of plus you'll be in the running to win 25 grand sorry Michael yeah yeah 25k but yeah we're gonna start having way more content on the website so thank you thank you everybody a round of applause because that's been a long time that fucking fuck fest and if this is all imagine if for some reason the website isn't launched yet and now we're saying all isn't it's not so it has to be launched now yeah holy shit next all right moving on Matt what are you fucking doing come what's what's been going down on brown tan you got sticker or you fucking can't you got a sticker well what are any other news as well any any love stories news I had no love stories well I did have a sticker last week but then one got sent in unexpectedly which was a banger cycling yeah so you've got the one from yeah I've got the one from last week did you take it come we'll leave no I swear to God I haven't touched it where I put it now oh you do have it is it down there the hair of the little fucking oh no brown maybe there it is somewhere where you're cleaning just on it behind the L behind the L dude sorry you laugh at the worst joke that's feelings are already knew it wasn't there that's the worst part hey I enjoyed it it was actually the bottom L by the way the actual L not fully out I can't believe we have a fucking sticker segment now well it's not really a segment well come on just I'm just showing you a short bit if you know if if we didn't have it I'd be doing this anyway so we're just showing people I do so anyway I think I mentioned that the post office is a fucking sticker playground so if you want some stickers hit up a straight post shout out we'll have to build them by the way for saying that but yeah I found these dinosaur stickers and like they are bangers and for the front I've decided to put the t-rex on there the thick on they they're thick stickers they are a little bit thick it's got nice texture there is my t-rex and I've added it to the collection and it's yeah it's good I guess I guess I guess it's good yeah I like it I don't like it it's better than the couple when I went to buy them because I was picking up PO box and I was like I was like our t-rex are and the guy was like okay that's enough man yeah that's a smaller hands to buy mine buy a star my shoes coming off fucking yeah so well let's get into the sponsors and fucking get on with the show you can't go a g1 75 vigil nutrients and minerals stuffed into powder you have it every day and you have one serving you mix it with water it's fucking delicious look they even send us this mixer sounds like a method dentist and it mixes it for you and it makes it really foamy and delicious but it's a subscription they're fucking great even our guest Sam talent we told him about athlete grins he's like dude I fucking love athlete grins and he even said like he's like he's like no a g1 is legit like there's a lot of fucking crap in a lot of the other ones but he said a g1 is legit so use that discount code fully actual and get fucking a free travel pack so you can go traveling and still have your little sachets and have your athlete green servings it's like 120 bucks a month or something and they just ship it to your door and you're fucking healthy for a 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description yeah women too and men all right guys we're gonna have a very quick and hard bong break bong bong break and we'll be right back with Sam talent are we ready to roll yeah when you didn't shake my hand with your regular hand I thought you were a stroke no it's not even exciting story it's just a car accident okay so you are mangled yeah a little bit okay but um that's different it's different to everyone else you know it's not I'm wrong I'm not super bad I get little twitches every now and then but it's um but yeah that's just the legs down or they don't work interesting okay yeah sorry I went like that because I was like oh yeah yeah no it's okay you've ruined the day man sorry yeah it's pretty shit and yeah and look who we have everyone we here with international comedian mr. Sam talent Sam welcome to our podcast hey I'm so glad to be here no dude thank you so much for coming on this is the first international guess we've done like zoom calls with people you're the first guy who's come to our little fucking shithole oh boy this is not a shithole all right I like this strange fucking outback refuge you guys have over here there's like a mansion next door and then you pull in here and it's just a bunch of cactuses even in the ground that's my wife she's got a business she's got cactuses you got to keep her busy I wish I would have known I would address like a widower as well yeah a whole costume room back there it's yeah you guys look like foster kids the shirt's perfect sure it's good yeah yeah that's what we had to get Matt dressed today didn't we man it's always fun dressing I didn't know that you were wounded I'm sorry I brought it up no no it's all right everyone else I didn't ask what's wrong with you I awkwardly shook with my left hand anyway before before we started rolling we're talking about athletic greens boy were we Sam is a big fan oh yeah athletic greens and they you'll notice have a sip of this one because it might taste a little different to what you used to well the texture might be oh my god and you know what that is they've they've literally sent us this whipper athletic greens and you stick it in and it does all the mixing for you finally because you know when I wake up and I have to have my let it drink just using my wrist at all on the side you waste man you gotta have more water in there more water yeah so it's very good but um yeah anyway athletic greens fucking get around it's the kind of pros drink yeah yeah and and disos oh disabled with an oh yeah cuz you guys are such a hurry to say your slurs we always choco's on shit a fuck oh yeah devo I like devo a lot devo is very good yeah were you devo after you became dissapointed I thought there was a period he's really good at gaming now he loves fortnight sometimes we catch him crying there's no cryo is in this house yeah no we both I'm in a medical suit like I'm in a medical scrubs as well just like it just adds that's that what that is I'm Rito that's a fun work around you getting the slang I love it yeah it's not hot it just put all on the end of shit I exactly like drongo a lot we didn't come to fuck spiders is another one someone apparently no one uses these ones but like people in the 70s who lived underground would say this shit yeah like I don't like how did like what does they even mean they're like the internationally known ones like that's what we're known for saying like put a shrimp on the barbie you always hear that yeah no one says I don't even know what shrimp is yeah we call him prawn we call him prawns I think that comes from when Paul Hogan did the ad and he did it for an American audience and said another shrimp on the barbie yeah that's why we know we aren't that old man sorry yeah you 40s how old are you I'm 23 years old the American lifestyles are up on I have a gland thing so you're here in Australia how long are you here for you gonna do a little tour I've been here for fucking 16 days already so you've been around already yeah this is the end of the era this would have made a lot more sense to do before I got here as it has it been what do you notice a difference in behavior when you go to different countries like are the crowds behave differently Australians are like the black people of white people you guys are all so funny you guys are funnier than any other white people in the world you reckon swear to God dude even man dude just a wreck especially Matt yeah you put him in the puppet string yeah dude like I just I was on a bus and just hearing two Australian men talk was funnier than like most Netflix special that's like when he's on the phone because he speaks German oh yeah when he's on the phone with his mom speaking German I can't help but just like cry laugh yeah it's pretty it's so pretty mean yeah yeah but oh man something about Germans talking German it's either really funny or pisses me off yeah no I mean I don't want to hear there are some languages that are you guys plotting on that phone I get it I get it the German it does sound like fucked ridiculous yeah and like I wouldn't know that it sounds fucked unless I you know grew up in Australia but yeah I get I get white people are offended at German the legit German language so I'm all right with it it's horrific it's guttural it's so back of the throat literally it is like so is Hebrew which is weird you guys like you're only be one poetic with Hebrew sort of like you know laden on the little thing to it yeah French and Italian like that's so much nicer sounds you know French is actually a nice I was just talking with Ty on the drive over here like we have this idea of like the lily livery like Ascot wearing Frenchman you know who wants to have his record you know and smoke his cigarette there's some fucking big-mitted nurse strangling palmed men in France they like tie knots for a living and they're out there too it's like look like bulldogs they don't have a neck they're showed bears you know it's rare I like there I guess every country has a fucked part of it sure yeah like you guys look like when essential Australians you're handsome you're shaggy you know Matt not so much you're handsome guy too it's just his body doesn't work as good I've got no hair you're bald is that from the accident funny that's funny I feel terrible about it why don't worry we'll edit it out and here I am just bashing this guy for his like changing it's just a joke it's a constant joke for us to have a laugh about it yeah you seem like you love it I'll cry but the check makes it better what about stem cells if you looked into some solutions well you get the twitches but yeah it's a lot of ultrasound therapy a lot of magnetic therapy yeah just yeah maybe you should look at a stem cell that's like fucking a hundred grand or something that would be tough I don't know surely there will be a time when they'll just like yeah put a fucking chip in you or something and then your legs will start flopping around again yeah so it's only a matter of time that just enjoy it where you can because you don't really have to do much not many people can say they were disabled in their life so it's sort of a blessing we won't be able to say that you you are a diso for now but soon you're going to be back to better normal yeah look at the bright side you just relax now you get money from the government you just chill and relax man your friends put your pants on yeah pretty much yeah you're on a holiday right now dude you don't have to get up I actually just sit I actually don't move from here I sit here I don't so I don't leave to do a time we're just the leaves change behind the reconstruct the room for me there's a lot of Americans who are very jealous of your situation yeah or maybe if you're out there guys and you are sick of your job consider having a car accident yeah or like even yeah make it look like it's an accident though an accident yeah you get to be lazy and compensated for the rest of your life yeah no don't do that I don't suggest you guys do you guys do like outrageous stunts right yeah you should do like where you go to like the hospital and you like gather the placental bag afterward then you make him drink it holy shit that would work well speaking of sacred bottles we are actually do have a bottle yeah and Sam we want you to try and guess what it's what it's filled with so this has been here you get three guesses if I lose I have to drink it no I get to drink it well you can have a sip if you want but if you if you can't guess it you have to have a smell oh no oh you just hold it just open it I'll take a whiff off your nasty jug before you guess this is how you guys elect your Prime Minister right it's pretty much like that yeah you can't guess it or try the next one is it Bob Hawks remains different p.m. I can't believe that's real that's I've made that up no I'm pretty well swimming sucked out by really sorry he went for a swim and they think he may have gotten taken by shock or he drowned oh wow come over his name though he's probably still alive some way probably still the reigning p.m. yeah loophole yeah I bet Monsanto paid him off to take the dive let me see let me see the let me investigate the bottle look what is this a former Coke zero bottle yeah that's correct oh my god oh look at the sediment it's like one of your fine natural lines you guys won't shut the fuck up you can tell it's good because it's covered in crap at the bottom oh no one's ever done like that's really sticking to the clump clump is it seminal fluid of some kind what's that word me so yeah semen jizzo jizzo you should have said semo yeah first guess no one ever seems to get it I know come when I try people think it's too watery for come but people don't assume you would give them a bottle of come as a guest on your show that's what they could fathom that would happen the intelligent thing you've done is you've moved it both ways so you can see the like seed seed see the sea that's the kids those those are match they're the lazy ones and the ones who don't move around the diso ones everyone seed no no this is just Matt just your and how long have you been collecting this what happened was we had a we had a joke where we were like oh can I feel a cum bottle within a season of the podcast and halfway we've only got halfway and then yeah then we had a we just had it in the bottle there and it started it never spelt smelt that bad but then now it's now it's horrific horrific so this is this is a chemical warfare agent this is a terrorist does it's like it's like it looks like it's expanded they used to yeah generations yeah potential human beings dying in there literally if your game you can have a smell if I'm gay your game oh really can I yeah but no I've never been so glad don't do it it's gonna fuck everything up but yeah usually when we open it it fizzes it releases a gas yeah it how often do you burp it usually just on benders when there's like we're having big but just a few people pretty close at his bucks to dropping a bit of my I had to spread my ass I'm gonna drop a bit in that is that I could say that comes been in my ass I decided against it when I probably have to cut that we've probably have to yeah this is gonna get so age restricted but man have to bleep the disos maybe really yeah maybe nah really we'll look into it is this so bad fended now is this so a slur it is because they all sound so whimsical economies yeah well I never said it go to the tape prove me wrong well it's all right because you didn't know what it meant I didn't know yeah so how long have you been on standoff for now shut up we can't go back to the word question ever after I handle this guy's jizz have you ever seen a dead body yeah yeah can you tell us about it yeah I hosted an open mic in Denver Colorado at the lion's layer and these comics kept going outside to smoke cigarettes up for a long period of time I was like what's going on the alleyway and they were like oh no one told you I get off stage in between comics I go over there and there's just a guy with his head smashed in why didn't anyone call the fucking why didn't anyone tell me I could have ripped on it I could have filled some time did you see brain oh I saw brain I saw skull you should have dragged him on set with you his tongue was hanging out of like a hole in his cheek it was fucked he totally got clubbed so like whoa to death you're a hobo probably what some people going out there just look at him yeah and it was like this the mic started at 10 no one told me until after midnight this is the talk of them nothing funnier has happened in here than this dead guy outside see that's someone that's tried to get compensation but it went too far oh yeah he probably tried to target the spine not the skull I think he tried to rip someone off for like a 10 bag of crystal methamphetamine probably not well he deserved it Perth style you know yeah so does that do you reckon that stays in your mind forever has it fucked you up a bit or is it like whatever well fucked me up the most was this kid Roger Stafford taking a photo where he's posing with the body giving a thumbs up oh okay guys we had our fun with this is a dead man someone son did someone jerking him on people were doing bits with the body we had a man go missing right yeah yeah that was not long ago and the cops did the full thing without a line of them walking through a you guys are prime suspect that we literally came we had like the baby dolls hanging from fucking yeah they caught us and wanted to know what this place was yeah yeah where you guys where you guys like bring a warrant get off my land you guys go American the weirdest thing was the kids granddad came the day before the cops came and he knocked on the door and he told us and he was like oh he he's like some big conspiracy theorist he was saying that he used to work for you know he used to be in the army for some intelligence and he reckons that some a government agency's taken him or and he'd been MK altered conclusion they did find him yeah but down in another park down there somewhere yeah but he was walking around with a syringe yeah they never said what what it was but surely he was just OD'd or something no one just walks around with a syringe like this like fucking Chuckie style trying to defend himself from his granddad I'll pop an embo and you're gonna still hang out with the the rapist grandfather we haven't seen him since yeah probably date of happiness actually surprisingly I was looking at our land for sale and the land next to his is for sale all right oh there is it's just popped up yeah it's right next door houses for sale should have a look at it cost it'd be about 3.5 mil way out of about you guys have that easy yeah we have that right now you guys have it cash in your fake Australian money 3.5 mil Australian 50k us like that's fine I'll chip it notice that traveling it's it's better money wise or worse yeah well because my wife's here with me we're just going to these like extravagant meals and drinking bottles of wine and she'll be like $300 I'm like that's like $170 get another bottle of wine yeah who cares to dump them out what about Europe Europe I guess is a bit more expensive right yeah for sure I think that the euro is up on the dollar but Japan is the yen is down against the dollar so it's been pretty good just I've just been carpet bagging war profiteering around perfect yeah what's the what's the most like do you ever go to any like fucked up places yeah I lived in Ecuador for all of May holy shit had their presidential assassination for a presidential candidate like two days how come you were there you were living there did you say or you went there to tour I was just doing some research there's some good yes there's some good substances that's right yeah yeah I can't whip that you think this gives you energy my wife was practicing medicine there she was your wife's a doctor that would be so nice knowing that if you were gonna like some fucked up was gonna happen to you your wife could save your life you know what's weird dude when she was in residency I would always I have these like when I get to stone again I would like have these ideas that I'm having a panic attack and I'm all I'm having a heart attack and I had I've got really stone with this doctor at this big like party and there was 10 student doctors and then a bunch of residents around and I was like oh no I'm gonna have it and I was like I can't have a heart attack here they're gonna be trying to fucking big dog each other they're gonna be like it's not a heart attack it's a stroke no he's just he has an embolism like I didn't want them guessing around me so I was I just decided I was gonna go walk off in the backyard and die outside yeah so I don't want to die it's like pressure to die how I'm gonna die in front of him so I'll just leave it right yeah I don't want to ruin the dinner party surrounded by people who could probably say yeah but then I just feel like they would be like trying to fucking big dick at all fight each other yeah it's the wind right it's like it's HIV it's like no way is it HIV right yeah it's just my wife's like it's HIV he had a rough go a bit before we met being a big dick and not bad yeah like when I see and when I'm driving and there's an ambulance nearby I get just a little bit more relaxed because like if I really bad happened right now ambulance right there it's all good I do understand that yeah I know I do love that my wife but then whenever I'm like a baby at my shoulder hurt she's like shut up like she doesn't care she comes home from work or she clocks out you know but do you ever do like if you know if you're your partner was like a masseuse or something you surely get lots of massages massages yeah so do you take do you take advantage of the fact that she's a doctor if you're getting like pill scripts no right for me yeah she could have but she can at least speak to another doctor and be like can you get my husband she's a doctor of osteopathic medicine to so she like can do like manual manipulations of your musco skeletal system so yeah I got a lot of those coming up yeah and then I'll like flip over let's go a little after happy ending extra happy endo do you guys like getting jerked off by your partners no really yeah dude I can't remember the last time I've wanted a hand job never like I wouldn't say no if it started happening but yeah but you know it's a job to just like I can do that myself and work me let me in the south mouth or leave me alone you know what I mean yeah hundred percent yeah let me in I'm taking that take it go crazy make t-shirts you guys don't respect intellectual property law here very good yeah yeah sorry so we saw you're on that Rogan as well I've always wanted to know what what's it what's it like after going on Rogan like just is there like a do you notice a difference in your career or anything yeah a lot of some more tickets and shit well there's that but then there's also just a lot of guys like hitting me up and calling me slurs for gay men because I defended trans people on there that was fun yeah there was just a deluge of you know oh really yeah that kind of happened so kind of went the wrong way no no so that episode we talked there was a big Bud Light controversy in America which was part of this yeah yeah where they put a trans woman on a can that they only sent to her they didn't put it in stores and everyone was like no way and Kid Rock shot a bunch of fucking beers which was awesome that is definitively cool to blasts like 150 beers with an AK like hey I'm on your side but yeah I was like I was like you know I didn't say that trans people should be locked in cages or euthanized you know which was an unpopular opinion I guess for a certain portion of his listenership yeah so yeah it was a very great so many good things happened but then I did just like have a bunch of DM's just people calling me how can you put no on the end of that one yeah it was it was good I mean it's definitely given me a bump in tickets he's the man he's so fucking generous and sweet but anytime you do anything like I'm sure people will just be like oh look at this wad you know who's this fat guy you know either he said diso too much he didn't say diso enough yeah judges for a different thing you can't you can't perfect it but it was good man I'm really grateful I got to go on there and that he's been nice to me how is the club is your greatest it's the best yeah do stand up no dude fuck me no no but we filmed a video recently we have a subscription website right right that's what he said what a classic model yeah and and we did a video where like it was me Michael and Julian and we each come up with an activity that the other one doesn't know about and so Julian's activity was he was like oh you guys need to get blindfolded put earplugs in put headphones on and get in the van and we're going for a drive for an hour so complete sensory deprivation for like an hour we have no idea where we are he like kind of eludes like it's gonna be something physical so it's like oh what are you shoe sizes and stuff so I was expecting that we're gonna take the fucking blindfold off and we're gonna be in a cage ready to fucking fight someone or something did he strip you nude no we were in like exercise gear yeah he was especially I didn't inkling I was like something this isn't something's wrong setting us up here so I just oh you didn't think it was gonna be a tea party when you took off the blindfold oh man I wish and then he's like you know we get dragged out of the van off like an hour and I'm trying to think what it is I was freaking out because your mind starts playing tricks on you like this is gonna be something really really fucked up and then like literally no idea blindfold gets taken off standing on a stage and there's fucking you know all these people in front of us stand up open mind and open Mike yes oh my god dude and it was 5 minutes go yeah as a pair no no and then my mind's like just immediately immediately because it immediately just went to like shocking things so just immediately like trans jokes pedophile jokes just like cuz you know fuck man so cringe yeah and not even jokes just statements yeah it was like to make it drag out for five minutes was like I went to some bad territory where it was just like what did the baby what did the puppet tomato said to the baby tomato squashes it and said ketchup like really shit that's worse than the first joke you said yeah it was like this it was a roller coaster that's more upsetting to me as a comedian yeah fuck man and it was just I think I think back on it now it's just so cringe yeah it's so embarrassing for some reason because we're all sitting in the crowd and Marty had his ass out the whole time I thought because I thought I was going into a cage fight so I thought if I have my I had my pants pulled down just to show my ass so I thought if I could make the guy I'm fighting laugh a bit he'd go a bit easier on me so I get pulled on stage my ass is still out the blindfold gets taken off and my ass was just out so I was like oh this is probably the funniest thing that's going to happen here so I'm just gonna leave my ass out and then towards the end I was like panicking trying to think of shit and I was considering showing my asshole the audience but then that's assault right yeah that's some kind of sexual harassment I don't know there's a lot of like well at least in the states there's a lot of like free speech laws that cover anything you do on stage really I think you can show a hole up there and not get in trouble wow he asked and but I'm so glad that I didn't but there was this weird energy because I was just like so desperate for fucking to cling on to any ideas it was a primal fear it was fight-or-flight but you couldn't fight it's like a nightmare you know it's a fucking nightmare and in that situation you usually just spread chic and show hole he really does like if we're at a party it's just like that's his thing it's always good it's your old gag someone's like do the news time you hack but you want to get up there and have a go don't you yeah I wouldn't mind having a proper go eventually at least to redeem myself from that you know what happened is you would have a much easier time doing stand-up because people who like you already would be coming to your shows yeah but then I also think that flipside is people expect you to be you know at least a little bit funny you are funny you're very engaging I mean I feel you're charming I feel you get up there and do 20 minutes of like ridiculous stories and people wouldn't be bummed at the end you do a Q&A and then you get more bits out of that because you're just improvising and being yourself and we did do this podcast live in front of people and you're great yeah at the end of each season we do a live show so we've got another one coming up there's a bunch of like YouTube stars in the States who have no business ever being outside of a basement and they do live shows and their people come and it's just so much 20 minutes of the worst stand-up you've ever seen and then the longest merch line in the history of salesman and you're like this guy sucks then you're just there like watching him fucking make $100,000 off t-shirts very good well played Captain Ungus or whatever the fuck his name is yeah well I can imagine you've done it for so long it'd be such a rush like stand-up yeah when you get so many laughs and then it's just like I have to do this or I'm not good at my job when the fucking magic falls out of it when you expect it every time because that's pressure yeah how do you write like what's the writing process just funny shit just happened in your life and then you're like this would be good write it down or do you sit and write no you have maybe a kernel of an idea then you get up and you just fucking try and riff it out so you just get up and kind of improv around and then you have that's how you build the hour and then you have the hour and you're like I feel like a fraud telling these jokes that I know work I wish I was getting fucking fingernails thrown on my body in a park somewhere half again half again rapode well you know let's leave a little bit to the imagination but yeah stand-up stand-ups fun but it then it's like when it just becomes your job like anything it kind of takes the the magic and the luster out of it you know yeah I can yeah I can feel you but you guys are lucky you guys got your squad you know you can do whatever you want yeah it seems like a pretty good operation we just met but I'm charmed well you know the website is yeah because social media videos now it's not no fun making them anymore because there's so many rules and shit and everything yeah you can't you know oh man it's literally feel like children's entertainers sometimes but having the website we can literally do whatever the fuck we want and we do whatever the fuck yeah I guess it's pros and cons because you've got the pros of being able to do whatever you want and be creative but then the cons are when your audience expect like fucked up shit every single time and now it's like holy shit how do you top that that's what's weird like what you described about doing stand-up the first time so many comedians go up there and they make the most outrageous jokes they do like rape jokes really say fuck 15 times it's like how do you heighten that where do you go after that after you've shown to be the dark prince of mirth like what's next yeah you want to start I guess small and then yeah sort of evolve or just like you know there's that sign at the sit-down club here where it's like don't say cunt as a as a punctuation because I guess all these colleagues get up there at the open mic and they're just like cunt this cunt that yeah okay yeah well if Matt Matt would you ever do well sit down very good very good would you ever might like I don't know if I if I thought I had a good you know I got a few jokes to say maybe well because you have an advantage because you know if you can make jokes about shit as long as you are the thing that you're joking about right like black people can make black jokes you should do blackface what I'm saying is go up and be really racist it would be it is funny like imagine if you just got up and just started hacking into dissos yeah you could crawl out on your arms just go help me help me don't be immediately it's just you panicking for five minutes I can't whoa help me crawling around on your arms just asking for help ends with you like lighting yourself on fire you've been a great crowd Matt Brown there was there was a comic in Denver when I started this guy and he had a hook for a hand and he would do like ten minutes and then he would you wouldn't talk about the hook at all and then he would just be like that's very good Don Becker I forgot about that guy oh yeah that is cool if they brought you what's your last name Matt Brown if they were like hey what was age Matt Brown and then there was just like thirty seconds and then finally you come through the curtain just seal crawling screaming that would be the funniest thing help what happened why are you laughing leave me alone why would you help me because you can't feel your legs have like knives and shit sticking out of your legs oh man I'm so sorry Matt oh damn it Matt can't walk oh that's different he's not the same he's not the same as everyone else oh but anyway fuck were you at least like drunk when you got in the air no there's nothing fun about it the guy that the guy was that he oh fuck oh no and he thought it was funny right yeah she's totally fine it's like a thing if you drink alcohol and get into an accident your body goes loose so it's the way to do it oh man but anyway alright well let's wrap it up there well thank you so much for coming on thank you for having me guys listen to my podcast Shubby Behemoth very similar to this oh there you go guys do you have a date in Brisbane it was last night and tonight though when's this come out I had a blast in Brisbane everyone we'll check some stories out for ya and you got some books out as well I wrote a novel you can buy it at samtalent.com at samtalent on Instagram that's an easy thing to do for comedians is just follow them on Instagram but so much of the fucking metrics for American comedy at least is how many followers you have and then the club will give you like 500-1000 bucks to do your own promo and then they don't take it out of your check so if you want to support a comic but you don't want to do anything else just follow them I'm gonna follow you guys man I didn't know what I was walking into you guys are fucking good I've done some fucking pods while I've been here this one is the most fun I've had oh thank you man I haven't laughed this hard the whole time I've been here alright we'll fucking grab a photo and we'll chuck it up it was good to meet ya dude he's not disabled he's not disabled we had a good laugh we had a good laugh we had a good laugh we had a good laugh bomb break we couldn't even dare we couldn't even dare oh my god oh my god I actually do have a bad leg at the moment but I can't walk oh my god that's so funny oh my god oh my god sorry sorry nothing enrages me more than Matt Brown's sticker position oh no he says Matt Brown's sticker position choice so he's pissed about where I'm pointing him they're pretty all over the place oh yuck Matt that's Matt's wild side I'm being risky the sticker position is Matt's wild side I ignored the rules on that one he's outside the lines anyway that was fucking Sam Talon what a legend easy man easy man to be around that's like a pretty intense joke to pull on someone immediately pretending to be disabled and he fucking loved it yeah he did he had a good gil it's like you could go either way there you guys are really like twisted well imagine especially if he was disabled himself oh yeah to try and make him like feel welcome we're disabled too man anyway it's time it's time for something big here we go it's Matt first Michael hit it Matt hurry up yes come come come and this is a segment where Michael and Matt go head to head against each other and the winner at the end of the season whoever wins more overall challenges gets to keep this bottle of mints this mints that divides us the current score is 14-11 to Klein hmm oh fuck yeah I wonder if they've checked that yeah if that's actually real that's a real score yeah true yeah we asked that on the last one i think to run check our score for us yeah i'm pretty sure we're right i'm pretty sure we're right 14-11 but anyway as you all know from last week's Matt vs Michael Matt vs. Michael is a rap battle. It's a rap battle. Michael and Matt will go head to head, rapping about each other and whoever is the more brutal rapper wins more brutal. Yeah. Like whoever wins the rap battle. How do you win a rap battle? I don't know. Whoever's like, whoever is better with their beats, their rhymes and their chimes and beats and attitude too. Hey, you were good with the box. I want to see confidence here. It's an attitude. Some real fuck you about you. This is like campaigning, but more hip hop. James, do you want to come on and be a judge for this as well? Please? Holy shit. I wish I practiced. You did practice. No, no, I didn't. I seriously did. Why would he say that? Matt doesn't trust. We're going to find like a song, right? Are we meant to attack each other? Yeah, a rap battle. Yeah, that's what you're doing. Yeah, I've never I've only ever seen M&Ms or movie. Yeah, I guess it's like eight mile. We're being eight mile. Should I get a royalty free song? How would I do that? I type in YouTube Audio Library. What do we just do without it? Be true. It looks like he's gone down on a big, fat, bloated period, bitch. Oh. There's chunks in it. Taylor, that's the story. Yeah, should we just do without it and then just go back and forth? Maybe I'll just give you a beat like that. Yeah, because if you put a beat in, I think we have to go to the beat and that makes it even. I can't. So what about that one that we love? Free stuff. We did with mono. Yeah, that would be pretty easy to find. All right, Papes is Rock to Sea goes first. Oh, man, it's going to be hard without music. I'm scared, but this is big. Shit, are you scared? Yeah, I'm terrible at rapping. I just I can rap. I can remember songs. I can't do my own scissors paper rock, scissors paper rock. Shit. How does this play? Does he just get one go and I get one go? Well, you decide you want him to go first or do you want to go first? I think you get one. He gets one and then you get a rebuttal. He gets a rebuttal. Yeah, man, that's only how a rap battle works. How many rap battles you've been to? I've seen them on YouTube. And we'll go 30 seconds long. You've got to rap. It's a long time. All right, 20 seconds. Well, look, I reckon you're allowed 30 seconds to a minute. Yeah, you don't have to go immediately. You can get in the boom, but yeah, what's up? Listen up, everybody. Yeah, you're. Yeah, can you go to a minute if you want? If you're if you're on fire. Look. OK, I'll just let you know when the 30 seconds is up. but you can do longer if you want. If you've lit up and you're on fire. Fucks sake. Oh god. Do you remember the rap part of an M&M? They do so high. Yeah man, Michael's a good one. No, you wouldn't get fucked up. Channel some M&M. So high. So everybody from the 313, put your motherfucking hands up and follow me. All right, man. Is that your go? No, that was M&M. Don't use such good material. All right, Michael, your turn. Dude, my material would be horrible. All right, is Michael on first? Yeah, I guess so. I'm curious to see what he starts with. All right, all right. So your 30 seconds will start. Because I am pounding with cringe. Three, two, one, go. Check it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, check it. Beg your pardon. Are you from kindergarten? Because I'm around in this garden. Oh, is that your garden? Because guess what? It's looking really shit. It's brown. And it's what not. There's no plants be growing around your side of the town. Brown, clown, mound of dirt, hurt. That's what you feel. 30 seconds, go. Spurt this rhyme and know that your time is neared down to every last crime, bitch. Hop, hop, keep hop, hop like a rabbit. Brown town on, he is a... Iggy. I think you rhymed more than you actually wrote. Not bad. That was some good shit in there. 46 seconds. I would have liked it to be a bit less gibberish, a bit more attack. Yeah, yeah, fuck. I was freestyling, dude. Yeah, I understand. Do we have to sing more of it? Because I feel like you just sort of rhymed. That is a strange question. Well, that's what I mean. No, no, no, no. You're not really rapping it. You just sort of rhymed your words and spoke. Yeah, well, whatever you want to do, man. I'll leave it up to you. And I said the word agate then. Yeah, we heard. Yeah, I know, we heard. It wasn't. Sorry. All right. You start in five, four, three, two, one. Hit it, man. Yo, yo. This is the brown and he's come to town to tell Michael a few things. Look at your face. Look at your face. Did you have a fall? Probably because you're tall. Sorry. And time. It ended well. Yeah. A lot of dead fall. A lot of dead time, though. You could have just added. It's hard. I didn't laugh. Michael laughed at me. I've got a few things to say. Yeah. That's what you got me. It's so good. I've got a few things to say. Do we need a rebuttal or are you happy with that? I think we got to. But you only have to go 15 seconds for the rebuttal, but you can go longer if you want. Okay, wait, wait. So only 15 seconds. It's time. Fuck, I've enjoyed this too much and haven't been thinking about judge. So I'm going to really judge this second round hard. Yeah, I got to just fuck. Okay. Holy shit. In a gang, so just be a fucking... Yeah, fuck this guy. Ready? Five. Four. Three, two, one. Stop dropping row. Because I'm on fire. You look like a crow. I am what you desire. There's a funeral. And I am the pyre. 15 seconds. Bing ding, wing sing, cling, cling, ting. That's the sound of your brain. When I come round and see... Bing. Shit. Shit, mitt, crit, rip. Surely that's longer than 15. Sorry, stop. You're going down, Brown. Oof. Over and out. Bad ending, Michael. Brand new. You have to win this. All right, listen, listen, listen, listen. Wait, wait, wait. I've got to get the timer ready. Sorry. Oh, man. That last start is the same way. Go, go, go. Ready and go. All right, listen, listen, listen. Your rap is like your face. It's shit. It's definitely not a hit. You can't be the Brown, not in this town. Because I know how to get down. Because that is not bad. Awkward silence at the end. It was like a mick drop. I wish you said I know and then like froze up. Like there's things lying. That was going to be good, but... All right, so there's Matt's rebuttal. I thought Michael won the first round, obviously. Yeah, me too. Well, maybe is there a third? Matt definitely won the second round. I think Matt won by more in the second round than Michael won. I don't know, actually. I also think I rapped more than you. You rhymed more than you rapped. And you didn't attack me much. The first one I was on fire. Yeah, he shredded you on that first beat. The second one I fucking said I was on fire. What was your first rap about face being shit and then you rhymed shit with something? Do you remember? I did that on the second one. Yeah, the second one. Hit, shit with hit or something. I said you rap the way like your face. Your rap is like your face. It's shit. It's definitely not a hit. That's a solid line. That's the line of the day. Okay, sir. Oh my God, this is the whitest rapping. Yeah. I'm really sorry, everyone. If it was my choice, I would not have done this. Yeah, I regret it. But hey, we did it. But we did it. So who wins? Oh man, I'm giving it to Brown. I think I'm just going to give it to Brown just to keep the score close. You know what I would have loved to see? Not rap battle. Just who's the better rapper. And just like you prepare something each. That would be fun to watch. Oh, well, we've done it now. It's definitely not a hit. That's what you came up with. Yeah, we should do that after. You can't be the Brown, not in this town. Oh, yeah. That was like chaos. What's that 1412? 1412, everyone. All right, so the score now is 1412. So that's, you know, it's getting real close. We should probably put those tickets on sale soon. Yep. I reckon by real soon. I reckon maybe like mid-September. So in a month. I got all the details ready to go. If you're listening to this in two weeks, tickets will go on sale for our live show at the end of the year. All right. So two weeks, baby. All right, let's move on to Matt's Tinder adventures. Oh, have fun boys. Hit that button, Brown. You have all the questions and we have all the answers and we've got lots of dances for you. Oh, this is so good. All right, guys, now to be honest, there are no new ones, but there are some excess from last week. So I'm just going to read a few of these out. All right. Bozzy? Yeah, look at little Bozzy. Bozzy's so cute. That's how he looked after it, if his hair was shaved. All right, he hates it. That's Jet, everyone. That's Jet. Jet Lee. He's learning how to be Bosley. He's the replacement boss. He's definitely not as good. No. No, we love you, Jet. All right, guys. This segment is where we take over Matt's Tinder because he was using it incorrectly and was not getting any f***ing b***y and gone on any dates. He's just a single mid-40s f***er. He's just a single mid-40s f***er in a nightgown. I'm 36 and I don't own a nightgown. And he's f***ing scum. So we've helped him and we've taken over and we speak to these b****es exactly how Matt would f***ing talk to them. They're not b****es. That's not what you said. This is what you said. Please let me dance for you. I want to show you how flexible my hips are. I can bend my arse so far back that my f***er cheeks touch my back. Go on, then, dance for me. I straighten my legs and bend forwards until the palm of my hand is flat on the ground. My head snaps up and I wink at you. I stand up and my legs rotate independently. I flap my arms and open and close my mouth really hard and fast, smashing my teeth together. I keep f***ing until you hear my teeth start to break. Are you impressed? I don't want a description. I want a demonstration. Well, what's your f***ing number? I'll send you some dances. Did you actually say that? Don't worry about it. Didn't want to see your ugly hole anyway. She's angry. Where did that come from? I thought we were having a bit of fun. No reply. She got angry. Shocking. Was she pretty? Yeah. Dammit. I dribbled like a baby on MDMA last night. Way too much warm milk. What's your star sign? Capricorn, yours? Oh, sick. I've heard Capricorns are heaps determined and give sh** to charity and sh**. Is that true? I'm a tourist. And yes, I have the exact qualities that you would expect. Stubborn, quite aggressive, and cold, and I f*** cows. Plans this weekend. I try to give to charities when I have the right cause and money. Capricorns are quite stubborn too. Tonight going to a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She just ignores the f*** cows. Yeah. You? Oh, f*** yeah. So you like to party a bit, eh? Yeah, not much on for me this weekend. Probably just sleep in until like 4pm tomorrow. Have a few milkshakes and pop a couple of Xanax. Then head back to bed by like 9pm. Sundays are similar day. Can I come out with you and your friends? I've got some heaps hectic coke I'd like you guys to try. Where I go, drugs aren't allowed. Oh, what the f*** is in an alcohol either? Where do you go? I go to a kink club. I have weekends off. You can bring alcohol with you, but it's not really a place to drink heavily or get high. A kink club? I'm coming! Ha! What happens there? Is it like just a massive f*** hot orgy? What time and what's the address? I'm coming! No, it's not an orgy. It's a safe play. It's a safe play where being can relax, talk to other like-minded people and a place where you can enjoy your kinks. One time and what's the address? Don't worry, I've taken heaps of rack on planes before. I won't get caught. And she unmatched. Oh! Wait, so she's a kink, like a club? A kink club, yeah. So cute. It would have been interesting to know a bit more about that. Yeah, well, you shot, you shot. Yeah, you're stuck by your guns there, man. You tried hard. I was asking for the address. Ha ha ha ha ha. Like the most fucking... Anyway, so that's our... What if I wanted to go? Yeah, we can. I wish that went a little bit longer, and you were like, don't worry about it, I found the address. That's what she's like. She's going to a kink club, thinking Matt's gonna show up. Flyin' high on cocaine. Oh. Oh, shit. So Matt starts this one. Shift around and tense your biceps. And then she sends a gif of this Asian man tensing his bicep. Is he hot? Wow. No. And then Matt replies. Is that actually you? That's so good, thank you. I'm afraid I'm not an Asian male, but hey, whatever tickles your fancy. Oh, true, I thought it might have been you with like a haircut or something. I didn't even know you could send videos on here. Wanna see a video of me getting screamed at by an old man. It's so fucking funny. He was fully crying and shit. How do you send a video? I can't see. It's a gif, just underway you type, but that does sound fucking hilarious. Oh, I see. That's hectic as shit. Wow, technology is crazy these days. Even 20 years ago, I don't think they even had gifs and shit. Oh, yeah, I ran into this old guy's car when I was drink driving last year and he fully got out and lost it at me. It was some super old classic car that had been his dad's or some dumb shit. Someone filmed it and put it on YouTube. His own fault, right, for driving in your way. Court didn't quite see it like that. Suspended license for 24 months and 100 hours community service. I've done nearly all the community service, though. How's your weekend and shit like that? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Quiet, not much, not much, not done much at all, you. I went on a 40 hour anime binge, haven't slept yet. What's the oldest person you've had sex with? She didn't reply. Oh, damn. Oh, wow. Question. I just don't get how they keep replying after some of the shit. What is it? Yeah, we're in a maybe. Surely they're just like, oh, that's a bit weird, but I'll keep going. I haven't slept yet. God, yuck, that would be rough, man. Oh, dude, this one is just weird. I can't remember if I read this or not, but this one's just fucking, yeah, anyway. All right, so Matt starts a conversation just with one word. Flags. Hey there, Matt. What kind of flags are we talking about? Would you think I was hotter with a mullet? Matt, are you awake? Yeah, I would. Yeah, I'm awake. Wanna come over? And then she didn't see that. Hey, well, that was smooth. And then I didn't reply, so she messaged again a day later. Come over. And then Matt replies again a day later. Sorry, just seeing this. I finished work at 6 p.m. Can we have a little fuck? And she replies. Sorry, I was out. What about tomorrow? And then again, didn't reply for a few days. Sorry, went off Tinder for a bit. I'm back now and my balls are swollen with concentrated mints. Help me drain them. And so reply. That could be an ongoing conversation, I'm not sure. Oh my God. But like, yeah. Is she nice? Yeah, is she nice? Yeah, not too bad. All right, I think, yeah, that's it. That's it for this week, guys. So, you know, some headway there. That last one's very promising, man. You're gonna have sex pretty much. Oh my God. You've been saying that for like... Yeah, and have you not, have I not presented you with at least, I'm gonna say at least seven. Two. At least, no, no, that's not true at all. Giving me two. No, you've accepted two. I've had seven for you. You've said no. Yes, I have. You haven't. Minimum. Minimum of seven. I've had fewer. The girl has said, I wanna have sex. Remember the gun sex chick? Could have fucked her. Yeah, but she's too far away. But you blew that away. Didn't you blow that one up? No, I asked you during the conversations. I come to you and say, hey, look, here's another one. And you just discard them. You don't like them. So, no, I've definitely gotten you way more than two, bro. You've had at least seven and you have denied them. Well, look, there's one around the corner. And one of them could have been your wife, can't. I reckon you'll be married within two, three weeks. You just need to start saying yes more for you. Oh, fuck, we've got to go play in Matt's Bugs. Oh, man, I can't wait to do Matt's Bugs. It's gonna be so easy. Just fucking theme park with a bunch of strippers. Why is that? I'm not the biggest stripper person to be honest. Oh, Matt, come on now. I'll let you do that, though. No, it would just be Ketamine. Matt would just be like, oh, it's so true. Everyone in Ketamine except for me. It's so true. Nah, you guys will fuck, oh, man. It's gonna start with golf. All the things that Matt hates. Yeah, it's gonna be terrifying. You probably handcuffed me to somebody like I won't name him, but yeah, you probably handcuffed me to someone I hate. And it just, it'd be a fucking nightmare. Oh, no, I don't want to get married. We'll make your bugs open to the public. So everyone who might be. I'd actually feel a bit better if that was the case, because then that's 3 a.m. We leak the address for you. Oh, yeah, you'd end up like Corey Worthington. Yeah, yeah. I'm planning another party. We're something tight, whatever he says. And then we're going bowling. Actually, I like bowling. OK, all right, let's fucking move right along. Hey, should we do actually have we got any P.O. box? Yes, we got one there. Oh, all right, guys, we're going to P.O. box it up. Can't and this is a segment. We open live everything that you guys send us to our P.O. box. Two, five, six, taken four, zero, one, eight. And we open everything live. So careful. Send us some weird shit. Send us some weird shit. Matt, you already know what this is. Yeah. How? Because they message me. Well, it's good opening skills. They've sent it. They've sent it for Michael's. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. So we finished their last bottle. Oh, is that from Conor McGregor? Yeah, we've been whiskey. So they sent us some whiskey already. And it was months 30th. We've polished that off. I remember it's this one. Was it nice, Michael? Yeah, it got me really like help. Very smooth. I'm not a huge whiskey drinker, but it was easy to ship out. If this was just an elaborate plan and this was just actually Pierce. I'll do a shot right now. Do you want me to test it? I'll do a shot. Yes, they test. Send us one. That is Pierce. They need to fucking drink some. No, it's surely not. It was legit whiskey the first time they sent it. Um, I don't know. Let's go out of the bottle. Oh, man, if it is Pierce, it's going to be. No, it's not Pierce. God, it smells delicious. It's vanilla. Oh, wow, it does smell good. Yeah, it's really sweet. It's like lovely. Oh, really? Yeah. Kind of a smell. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, well, that does smell. That is amazing. It smells like a dessert. Do it. Sorry. Go us. Have a little sip. Tear pressure is not cool. It just culled up. That would be so good. And then the next 24 hours is a nightmare. He'd probably die. He'd stay here. I'd have to put up with him. That was delicious. It's like vanilla. Yeah, that's amazing. Do you want some? Oh, that's good. I just put me on. I'm just not good with hard spirits anymore. Have a look. Jettie, come here. You want some water? So was it winchin whiskey? Oh, you feel it go down your chest. It's lovely. Yeah, look them up. Buy some whiskey often. It looks fucking, it tastes fucking amazing. It is nice. Yeah, it's good. I can definitely see where we're going. Yeah, I just do that after every straight alcohol. Yeah, the best in the world. And I'd still do that reaction. All right. So at your box, we will demolish that come. Do they sell this online? I believe you can buy it. Yeah. What's it called? Winchin whiskey. Winchin whiskey. I think it's from Victoria. I'm sorry if it's not. But yeah. Yeah, get about it. Get about it. That's really yum. Yeah, I might have another sip. Oh, I like that warm feeling going down my chest. Yeah, it's a little blazed out of my mind. I'll just finish the bottle. We'll just polish it off. I'm not saying no. And then we went bong break and then came back and we were just all spewing in buckets. Yeah, that's not real. Speaking of, bong break. Bong break. You have all the questions and we have all the answers and we've got lots of dances for you. And these guys is a segment where we answer your questions that you posed on the mighty Michael Fully actual YouTube channel. Oh, fuck. You know what we I realized? Remember how I just, sorry, everyone. In last week's episode, we said I send in your, the times you've grossed out your partner. We can't read it because it's the client. That episode hasn't come out yet, guys. So bear with us. We'll do that next week, OK? Yeah, it's two weeks. Yeah, so we're literally filming. Yeah, we're two weeks ahead now because of the new thing how we're going to make sure our podcasts aren't age restricted. It takes, that process takes a week to do. So we're like a week behind. Send through the clips to Marty, Michael and Instagram. Or or the fully actual recording. Yeah, just recording story. Stories of times you have fucking grossed out your girlfriend. OK, yeah. They're very funny. James, yeah. I know we spoke about all of ours, didn't we? Yeah, fine. I'm like, Gurgle, but that's right. That's how that started. That's how that started. All right, guys, we're going to answer some questions. So if you want us to answer your questions, please leave a comment on the mighty Michael Fully actual YouTube channel. We answer the most like questions first. But even if your question is most like, don't be disappointed if it's not answered the next week. Because remember, we're two weeks ahead now. So whatever you do as a result of this, we'll respond to in two weeks, not one week anymore. That was maths. Yeah, fuck that was there. Oppenheimer. All right, Matt, what do we got? We've dug up some old questions from some old cubs. I just went and pulled a couple out from the dips. Blaza 69. Blaza! He wants to know what's your favorite game to play at the Pogies. Lawn balls. The, just the, I like the, I've got the things. The suns. I like the fucking, the bull, the raging bull. Because I had him, I won twice in a row. Fuck, remember when we first started earning Facebook money? We'd go to the Pogies every now and then. Yeah. And twice in a row, I won like 500 bucks. I was like, I'm never changing machines. It was like so easy. 500 bucks back now. I like the gold one. The gold digger one. Oh yeah, where's the gold? My goodness, fucking 20 cent bets takes so long. I just like to get it done. Yeah, just, yeah, me too. I bet high win high. I like to make it last. I was like, win a little bit, make the next machine. Yeah, I like to just fucking eat this. Either you win or you, win or you're gonna lose it. Can't, I never bet. I just watch you guys do it. Yeah, because it is a waste of money. Although I did see James Benton win once. He won like 20 or 30 dollars. The one place I do bet is that Italian near my place. Because every time we go there, you seem to just pay for your dinner. No, yeah, true. I feel like that right now. It's good, man. It's a good one. OK. Yeah, we'll pop off. Pop off. Next question is from a YEPS, depending whether from YEPS 6495, what's the best gift you have ever received? Man, fuck, man. Best gotten many bang. Oh, the golf clubs is probably the fucking best. Oh, wow, thank you. Well done, Michael. That was you. That was a good find. Yeah, it was. Because it's so fucking expensive. A whole new set of golf clubs. Probably the most expensive birthday gift I've ever got. Oh, these are but like, we got you had to get it because you don't come across that price for that. Yeah, yeah. And Mon's gotten some really good holidays and shit, but nothing like. So yeah, Mon's definitely got some really good gifts before, but that's about it, eh? Mine's my range finder. Amber got me. Yeah, you love that thing. Yeah, use it for everything. You'll sit in the car and see how far people are away from him and shit. Yeah, exactly, that's why I hit that Mongolian, man. Man. Mom's from when I was a kid, which is like, I've just never had so much joy as when my parents gave me like a Mongoose BMX scooter. It was a scooter, but it had like BMX wheels on it. Yeah, that makes sense. Because you love, you love shit more when you're a kid. Oh, dude, I was obsessed. I would have like put it into my bed and slept with it if I could. I had a Mongoose as well. Did you? Yeah. I never had a scooter. Oh, Marty. What's going on? Oh, it was a scooter, not a bike. No, it was a scooter. It was like a push scooter about BMX wheels. It was like massive. I kind of remember that. Yeah, dude, I fucking loved that thing. Yeah, I never get big on gifts. I can, you know, I loved when you guys all put in so I can get basketball cards. That was very beautiful. My parents have hit me with so many nice gifts over time, but I remember the only thing I can really remember being super excited about was remember when you were a bit young and they had CD players with the big speakers on the side of them. Oh, yeah. There was a phase where that was the thing to get. And you got a sick one. And Mum and Dad got me one for my birthday. I remember they didn't tell me and I walked into my room and I was just sitting there, ready to roll. And I came sprinting back out. Oh, I've done both. And then they told me they were getting divorced after that. No, it's like straight away. On your birthday. Terrible. They're hugging you thanks to the gift. We're getting a divorce. Oh, my God. And it's all your fault. It's all your fault. No, I mashed two stories together, but they both did happen. Cut that out. Cut that, big Connor. It's such a good story to think that happened. Can't make my parents sound evil. Oh, my birthday. Let's tell him on his birthday. My mum will be so annoyed with me. She's like, Matt, that didn't happen. You can tell me, Julie, if it did happen. Next question is from Milkingstall Patrick 1908. I believe he's the man that gave us the milkingstall. Still got it. It's in the shelf there. That was a good one. Will we ever hear a fart from Matt? Yeah, it's a good point. I've definitely farted on him, but not to the depths that the other boys have done. Is this my fart? Yeah, I've heard of it. That's just so weird. The juice. Yeah, usually his arse cheeks go like that. Yeah. Michael gets some fucked ones, because usually I sit down when I get back from work, and so it's either long overdue. Oh, it's been simmering and marinating these colons. So gross. Or I'm a bit sweaty from the drive home, so you don't get the best ones. They're rough. It's a strange sound to hear. But my favourite reaction from Michael is he's like, Oh, did you shit? That's fucking dog poo. You don't like Matt's scent? Sometimes he gets in there. They're just old, I think. It's very sauce. It's like a barbecue sauce, Matt. It's like a barbecue sauce. I don't like barbecue sauce, and it's very sugar. His insides are all marinated in sauce. You know like kebabs that you buy from butcher, and they've got sauce all over them? That's his father. And his arse cheeks. That's what they look like. Yeah, it looks like kebab meat. Like deep veggie mice. Yours is like organic coffee, and yours is just like... Michael likes mine. I can't smell his. I never smell him. It's like a slight mist. Michael just farts on the mirror now. Yeah, it's become him. I know what to get you for Christmas, a fucking mirror. For the kids to try and other people. When you need to fart, pull your pants down so it's bare ass on the mirror. Fart is loud and as hard as you can, and you will see that you create fart fog. The whole mirror fogs up for like seconds, and then it starts to like go back to normal temperature. And if you look close enough, there is shit, like specks. You know the old times at my parents' place? Yeah, I remember. I had a shit wall. You can recreate that. He used to call them shit crystals. Yeah, shit. That's right. You can recreate that on a mirror, and it's like double-sided shit. It's really cool. Oh, it's cool. Dude, I hate to burst your bubble. But I think your mirror farts is just the body heat of your arse cheeks. Yeah, I think it is. So are you pushing right up on it? No, I promise you I'll show you. OK, all right, I need to reinvestigate this. Try not to touch. It's the warm air. All right, yeah, it is. Try not to touch it, and then see, then you'll know. You'd need to stretch your arse hole so far apart to get your arse hole close enough to the mirror, but your butt cheek's not touching the mirror. It's nearly impossible. Yeah, I don't think I'd be able to do that. I'd like you to try. I will. Yeah, I will try for that. But it is warm air. But it does put the scent on the mirror, at least. Yeah, it's like you get to see the scent. Yeah, it's urgency. Slowly is crap on it. It turns around so quickly to inhale it. Screaming at us to shut up and listen to mute the TV. Well, yeah, you've got to put on the show. Hear him inhale as well. It's special. It's special. There's as much tension in his stomach so he can push as hard as he can. It's like it's sort of like putting a fire on a pedestal. You get to see it and appreciate it as opposed to just pedestals. And then just like a flower dies. Disappears. Very good. It's very special. Eric Davis asked, will we ever see Austin or Dim come on the podcast? Yeah, 100 percent. I think that's in the works. Yep, we've spoken to him and they're keen. They've been out away from Brisbane, but as soon as they're back nearby. I think Austin's back now at the Golden. Oh, he is back now? Yeah, hot. We'll line it up. And final question from Stephen Hunt for it for this. Actually, I had heaps of likes on the episode it was on. If you guys become parents, what would your parenting styles be? Oh, man, just no. No. Everything. Will you give it a go? No. Everything's no. It's no. You hate hugs and she's no. Please have some water, daddy. No. Child services are noting down your details as we speak. Playing PlayStation the whole time, screaming no. Daddy, please. No. Just playing words. Yeah. The big diet Coke bottle on his big belly. And a straw leaning into his mouth. I don't know what I fucking thought about it. Have you got any funny stories from when you were a kid? A little brown boy running around with glands and big lollipops in your hands. Yeah, when you were a kid, did you get in trouble from a teacher at primary school or high school? And what happened? I've got a good one. This is how I sort of like I had one teacher that made me stay back and I had to clean the floor. And every time she came back in, she wouldn't see me underneath the tables hiding. So I ended up being there for like an hour and a half. I think it was a quarter to five by the time when she discovered me when she was packing up to leave. And then she's like, she's like, have you been there the whole time? I was like, yeah, I've just been cleaning. I hadn't been. I've just been chilling going, I'm going to make a point. What you left me. You made me stay behind. I'm going to make sure I can make you. How old were you, your little psychopath? I was like, you won. Fucking hell. That's anyway. I got a Mars bar the next day. So from that teacher. Yeah, the behavior was rewarded because she felt so guilty that she'd kept you there that long. What was wrong? And you were being such a good boy, cleaning. I was cleaning the floor, making all the paper up. Year one. Year one. Yeah, wow, that's very, that's very manipulative. I'm impressed. It's like, I shouldn't have been like trouble, will you? I will make you pay with your emotions, bitch. I want a Mars bar. But yeah, basically, I shouldn't have been kept behind. It was for false reasons. Yeah, fair. We had this teacher that came from Africa and like, we very quickly learned that he was not to be fucked with. Oh, really? The first kid that was sort of like mucking around and talking in his class. He was really just like, just walked over to his desk and just picked up his whole pencil case and just pegged it at the wall, like smashed his pencil case and like destroyed his scientific calculator, like a hundred bucks. Literally just turned back to him and he goes, you fucking cunt. Caught him a fucking cunt. He got fired after like three weeks at the school, but man, he was terrifying. Yeah, everyone from then on was just like, don't fuck. And we were high school, like, I was a high school teacher. I think I was in like year 11, year 10 or 11, but we just went in you, do not fuck with him. That's crazy. Man, shout out, Mr. Naidu. Good man. Oh, my God. I wonder where he is now. Was this in Palm Beach? Yeah. Fuck. Oh, I have to say, I can't remember any ones where a teacher was real fucking cunt. Straight to him. And then what? It would have been so awkward after that. Yeah, no, he was so angry. He was such an angry, angry thing. What, and then he stayed angry the whole time? Yeah, the whole lesson, it was like a concentration camp. He was just like few moved or spoke at a turn. Oh, he'd cop it. That would have been quite entertaining. I'd rather that than nothing. I'll try and get someone else into trouble. 100% that was happening. Yeah, yeah. Dude, you would totally try and fuck with me. Dude, oh, man, I feel so bad, but it reminds me of the deaf boy in a class again. Oh, yes. Oh, man, have we told this before? Yeah, I've told a few stories, I think. But his hearing aid would start fucking going off every now and then, like just be it was a really high pitched sound. And he was he was getting into trouble and his hearing aid was just going nuts. And he kept looking over to me and Darren. Sitting next to me and we were pissing ourselves laughing, which made him laugh. So he's sitting there getting yelled at and he's hearing aids going off and he's laughing. And man, it was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. He got into so much trouble. Oh, shit, put it in your way. It wasn't intentionally bullying him. It was just funny. It was just a funny situation. It was so easy to convince because that time you drew all those dicks on his paper. Oh, that guy. Dude, the teacher's going to think this is fucking hilarious. He's going to show it and he's like, no, no, no way, no way. So I know, no, seriously, seriously, dude, that is so funny. Showing it around like this is so good. There's go all right, we'll go show it. And then he marches over the big, small. Back at me like, fuck it. And then he's like, Stephen, what is this? What is this? And then like immediately gets up and calls a principal and say, no, I'm sitting here. Stephen's been drawing. And then Stephen's just like so shocked and looks back at us. I'm just fucking tears. Well, I'm like like shrugging. Like, I don't know why she's not getting it. How were you that? I was like, you three or you four. I keep forgetting that you grew up with a kid called Darren. That's a funny part for Michael. One of my best mates in school was Darren. Bullshit. I promise you, we used to like go up to girls at parties and be like, have you seen my new belt buckle? And then like look down his belt and he just be holding his balls. Oh, that was so good. Oh, my God, he's in jail for rape now. The faces will be so repulsed. Yeah, that is rough. Oh, my God. He stands on his hips like thrusting it forward. Oh, man. Fucking Darren, eh? I wonder if you ever picked up from that, surely not. Oh, anyway. All right, let's get into the fucking prank. Oh, come on, come on. No, it's Bruce. Hey, hey, come on, Bruce. More names, Darren. I've seen your number on the back of your car, I think, and you used to look cash for bikes and that. Is that true? Yeah, sure. What's the bike? Do you mean like bicycles, right? No, motor bikes. Oh, right. No, that's perfect because I've got one here. But the only problem is I don't got the key for it. Look, it's more of lost the key for it. But it's like a 2018 Kawasaki, the Z1 T5. So. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that'll. Yeah, OK. Yes. And how many cars? Let me have a look here. Dirty, 30,000 bottle look to it. OK. Yeah, and look, yeah, look, I lost the keys. Look in the city or something and look. So I had to, like, put it in the back of me. You and just drive home. But I don't have the keys. But look, yeah, look, it's ready. It's here. Look, how much cash can you use, Dave? Or do you reckon? Sure, it's got any. Can you read your? Let me have a look here. Yeah, it does. Yep. Oh, hang on, hang on. Hang on. No, no, no. The radio is gone. Of I had to take that off in the city because it was a bit loose. No, like one of the nuts was out. So, like, I had to take it off just because, like, yeah, it was a bit loose. Yeah, right. OK, look, it's possible to see the bike at all. Yeah, look, I can send you a photo on that. But look, I'm probably going to call around. And that's safe. Any of the boys want to pay some cash for and shit, because, like, corner strapping on a lock, need to full lock the way it can come up in that. Yeah, gotcha. Yeah, having a big lock, parting shit. So I'll call around and ask the boys in that. But yeah, I can send you a pic and shit. But if you just off top your head, like, what numbers are we talking and shit, like, just so I can let the boys know if anyone wants like a motorbike, this one that I've got. Look, yeah, somewhere around a grain, somewhere around there. Right, you're not grander. It's not even leaving a ball. Could you do, like, one five or something, like? Yeah, it all depends on what it's like, condition like, you know, the tires, the paintwork and all that. But yeah, somewhere around there, probably good. Yeah, look, I haven't locked ridden it in that for, like, a wall, but, like, off a froth, fingers pretty good. Like, it looks pretty good. There's nice scratches in that on lock. There's a lot. It's got, like, green bit on the front. The front wheel's got, like, green bit over it, like, handles in that bit, green. It's green and black, which is, like, yeah, it looks pretty sexy. Have you had it for long or what? No, mate, look, just real racing. Just real racing, I picked it up. Gotcha, OK. Today. Yeah, look, the best of the year, you can see me come up with photographs. And I'll give you, can I give you a call about tomorrow? Today's a holiday in Brisbane. Yeah, not brought, no worries. Yeah, no, it is academic, isn't it? Fuck sorry, I'm not in fucking... Yeah, but you can see me come up with photographs. Yeah, well... And I'll give you a call tomorrow and, well, let's see if I can have a look at them and pay some cash. Um, do you know if there's, um, there's an elephant on it that can, like, identify it in that lock? Is there, um, lock, um... Do you know what I mean? Is there an elephant on it that's locked? Like, I've taken the number place and shit off. But, like, is there an elephant... Yeah. Any numbers and shit that I need, like, scratch off and shit before you, like, come and pick it up? Oh, no, it's just, someone's got the VIN number on the bottom. Yeah, VIN number, where's that? It's probably on the steering head. Where the handlebars go. But yeah, you can't touch the top of your head. What's that from? Where the handlebars go. Yeah, right. If you scratch it off, it's worth nothing, though. So don't scratch that off. Oh, but lock. Oh, yeah, right, okay. Um... Yeah, because, like, why don't you scratch it off? You can't be re-registered, so it's worth nothing. Yeah, look, it's already, like, kind of scratched off now. I just found it, um, and, like, it's already come off a bit. So, like, fuck it off. Yeah, so it's, like, a bit, um, scratched off already. Like, I can barely read it and that. Oh, fuck, that's so annoying. So, like, and that might affect the price and that, but, like, um, if you want to do it for, like, I could do 800, like, right now, like, we wrap it up, wrap it up, brother. I can even drop around your joint, if you want. 800 dollars. That shake hand looked me in the eye, and we were fucking on the same level. Like, no, you know, we're boys now, like, we're fucking, we're a team, like, I've got your back, you've got mine and shit. So, like, I can drop around, like, cut layers if you need to, or something. Yeah, the problem I've got is that without that number on the surrogate, I can't read your, it's out of the way to worth nothing to me. Oh, fuck, you're kidding me. Lord, what about, like, you can use it for personal, yes, in that, look, if you find, like, places with a bit of land or even got a bit of back, yeah, you can, you can check the kids, check the kids on. Oh, yeah, that's what I'm saying. I've got plenty of, I've got plenty of my work. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I think you might want it because, yeah, without that number on the front, it's sort of worth nothing to me. Right, right, nah, I said like something about, yeah, nah, that, come on, man, say something about, like, yeah, like, like, I said, like, I'm real keen to get rid of it and that, so you can, like, you can sell it, pull it apart for parts and shit, like, you can get probably flicks out of that. Yeah, we can. Engine and shit, you can fucking flick that off and that, so it's like. Well, I reckon, yeah, you have to try gumtree. Because for us, we'd need it, we'd need that number there, and we've got to review it and do our checks. Is there, like, paperwork, shit, like, that we's got to do to, like, transfer, like, to say, like. Yeah, there is. Fuck, they're right. Yeah. Fuck, I didn't know that shit. So, yeah. Probably, yeah, probably, yeah, probably, yeah, probably, yeah. We've been a company. Yeah, we're a fucking company. There's so much fucking paperwork there on these days. It's like, fuck me, can't, like, can't, can't, can't a blight just look at a blight in the eye and just be like, yeah, fucking, yeah, yeah, yeah, fucking check hands, fucking do a deal, like, man, can't, where's the fuck, where's them days gone? Blah, it's like, yeah, they gone, they gone. You got paperwork here, you got to fucking fill that 20 fucking pages, fucking look, fucking back at fucking the life skill against fucking pissing me off, fucking, I can't, I can't, I can't believe that shit. Fuck! Yeah, I got it, I got it. Fuck it! Yeah, nah, all right, well, fuck, I'm going to have to pull it apart and sell it for passing shit because... I think so. Yeah. I'm going to be honest, mate, look, it's not my bike. Okay, yeah, sure. Yeah, I think you've, that's just going to be your best bet, my point of view, we're going to be a squeaky queen. No, no, I'll get that, mate. No, I've just seen her on the side of the road in the car park, and I've just slung it in there. Yeah. You just can't sell it anyway, so it's like, you know, you use her off the table, but... Yeah. Yeah, but like, don't say enough and shit, but... No, no, no, we'll put her out in the gumtree of Australia, that's your best bet. Right, okay, yeah, right, I'll say all, well, so you can have a, but won't like the cops and that be looking for it on like, gumtree and shit, like, I'm not saying it's gone. So the problem, problem is the, yeah, and I'll see the, there's been a number on it. No, I'll scratch that off, that's what I'm saying, like, that's what I've seen you before. I was lying, I was like... Yeah, but the problem is, why don't you scratch that off? It sort of, it's worth nothing. Oh, no, no, no, no, it's actually still on there, but like, I'm just trying to cover my arse, like, I'm just making sure, like, there's no way they can fucking prove that, that's, because when the owner comes back, he's gonna be like, oh, my fucking box gone, he's gonna call the fucking cops and tell them exactly what fucking is, and then like, if I fucking put these out up and shit, and they say, oh, that looks the same way, and look, if the fucking Vietnam is gone, right, they can't order it for it, and know that they can't put that back on me, does that make sense? No, they can't, they wanna do their x-ray. The x-ray, so they can take the office service, but it goes deeper, so they'll x-ray the thing, they think that's what it is, they'll x-ray it. Right, fuck me, can't say, there's really, so really, I gotta pull this fucking little fucking thing apart and put the fucking parts up for sale, that's probably my best bet you reckon. Yeah, I reckon that's your only chance. Fuck! No, no, that's respect, but look, I appreciate you, look, helping me out, and that, mate, look. Yeah, that's your best bet. If you ever need any of them for me, look, protection, or like, he's after another one, just let me know, or get me boys around, or fucking help your boys out, like, no, no, cause you's been locked nothing, but give me a good of awesome shit, look, I'll love that, look, you don't even know me, and you're fucking helping me out, yeah, mate, no, don't worry, don't get caught, bro, don't get caught, I've been down this man for about 45 years now, bro, but I ain't even sniffing around and me yet, like, don't let anything failed. Yeah, but anyway, bro, thank you for all your time on that, and your local said me, yeah, my local said, yes, no, protection, all fucking look, meth or you need your boys on something, let me know bro, you're my blood brothers, good, good, good on you and enjoy the other side. You're my brother for life, brother, and I won't ever forget you. I love you. Thanks, mate. I love you with all my hands. Cool. See you, brother. Thanks, mate. Kiss me on the lips. See you. Love you. Oh, my God. He's the nicest man in Australia. I love that guy. Very good. Bruce is the nicest man in Australia. Dude, we should keep his number because he would like back anyone, I reckon. He's like that guy from Haymish and Andy, but with the job interview thing. Maybe he was a bit scared. He's like, fuck, I don't want to say no to this guy. Incredible how nice he was. He was just telling you what to do. Yeah, no, you should have break it up. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Oh, man, the laugh. You definitely watch your number, right? Yeah. Oh, man, magic. Even your big fucks, he was just like, yeah, yeah. All right, guys. That is the end of episode number 27. Love you guys. Thanks. Give us a five-star review on Spotify. Like, comment, subscribe, and we'll fucking see you guys next week because we're the best. We're the best. We're the best. We're the best, uh, yeah. We're the best. We're the best. We're the best. We're the best. We're the best.