 hey guys it's the night at the moment it's like 21 it's 21 45 on Wednesday videos for tomorrow's um i haven't meant to help women um well i'm anxious about it but what's new there i spent last night doing this i've uh been decorating on my room good morning everybody welcome on to my channel if you know here hi hello my name is lydia and today i'm doing a live update but i have got an appointment in just over an hour with my mental health team i'm gonna quickly get ready for that i think i'd sleep a lot at 1 a.m i'm not very good with early nests literally see that i'm tired well this brightness isn't exactly any good um hi i've got a gp appointment in an hour um i think i'm going to be starting back on the other antidepressant that i use i think so i used to take trasadone as well as when the vaccine and it helped so i'm going to speak to my gp today about that and then i'm meeting Rebecca it's done to form a life of day video oopsie here you can see the surgery um as i said earlier i'm gonna see about starting back on the second antidepressant i feel like that appointment was such a waste of time because i got booked in with the local team who doesn't know me and i was like wow you need to get your mental health team through with me i'm under the recovery support team and i've got to wait till tuesday i don't mind i can tell him myself that my name is going well as i said is there nothing i can adjust even slightly like just you know just slightly things can improve it or just make life more bearable as i said i don't even fucking sleep and i should someone three different things for sleep we need to give you an accurate update on how life's been since i last filmed a proper life at date video i've been one three six i feel a section that i was under the home treatment team i was under one under the current team i've actually got her coordinate now that's that's a good thing that's a good stuff for like i've got recovery support for you i literally went today to see my gp to see if i could restart taking transident again which is a second would be my second mental depression as well as the vandal vaccine which i take as well when it comes to enzymes and it's what everyone cares about there's a problem i've never wanted to go for um i take clonazepam and lorazepam and lorazepam i take three times a day lorazepam i take four times a day i take from aphazine as well i get literally written on my description tape from aphazine and uh lorazepam the cure to everything it's really not like it's but anyway what type in morning and night now like a lot's changed since i last filmed a life at date video that's where i'm struggling to make this video i'm not struggling now i'm not 100% i'm not i'm not fixed so i'm not i'm not uh near i'm just existing it's perfectly how i feel right now actually the state of existence looks like earth but it is actually artists impression of what a distant earth-like planet might look like in this imagined world you can see continents oceans and clusters of cloud the kenra spacecraft has discovered over a thousand planets in other star systems we call these worlds exoplanets and some are believed to have the right conditions to support life hello boo hello boo i'm seeing you right i'm excited to meet you in a couple of days i look like i'm a ghost why do i look like a ghost oh no you do look quite pale i mean your eyes look like your eyes are like they're half open like you look like you literally look like you're on drugs i felt like that when i've been taking photos today i'm like what's up with me we're trying to look out why i look like maybe it's because i haven't got any iron on you know but your eyeballs like put the glasses on what that covers up me looking like i even i'm illiterate i forgot my mask is mine so did i i just get my dough from the app um i'm lowkey awkward as fuck at the moment you can see my rubber duck unicorn thing that goes on my computer welcome back to my channel if you're new hi i talk about mental health my life and recently i haven't talked about my life so i'm doing a life update video which um i wasn't sure i wanted to do just to be real with you i uh i wasn't sure i was going to actually do this because this is what caused all the trolling and hate last time i also realized that some kind of people are always going to be out there and no matter what i say i do they're always going to have something negative to say about something that i do let's just be me let's do what i want to do for a video because why should i let people who don't even know me dictate what i can and can't talk about i just do that on camera it's okay me being weird off camera being weird on camera that's a whole new level so let's have a chat shall we look whenever i hear that it puts me so on edge because i'm just like oh my god i'm going to be abandoned yeah if i seem really hyperactive i haven't on medication today so bad lydia but i thought considering i am hyperactive i am i yeah i'm an a uh this is a life update and i know my editing is a bit different now and i know i've put vlog clips in i know it is all over the place when isn't something i make not all over the place so i've been away like for for a hot minute basically last month i was in hospital i was on a section two so that's a up to 28 a hold here in the uk um i didn't want to be in hospital but i didn't have a choice i do have a video in the work so it's like about that admission but i'm taking my time with it because there are some aspects of it that i don't want to share i do not want to share things that's why right as a human being i was in hospital for a month not 100% i'm not self-harm free you know and i haven't been self-harm free since like last year now like i've been struggling with self-harm for a long time and i was i was clean for a few years and then last year in the admission that i had in me i started self-harm again and it got it got bad and it it's it's not bad that bad anymore but it is something i still struggle with and you know i'm not gonna hide that for people because you know yes i am a shame that i went back to that but when it comes down to the fact that it's that or i let the suicidal feelings build up and then make an attempt on my life but i felt i couldn't come back to youtube fully without posting an explanation for what the fuck's been going on with me since like last summer because i've watched back a lot of my old videos from i say old i've watched back a lot of videos from after the trying started i can see in myself that i just wasn't me because i was getting bullied for being me then i was getting bullied for acting out character then i got bullied for sharing my life then i got bullied for just existing no that's a lot for anyone's dealer you'll forget that yeah you're watching me on the screen but i'm a real fucking person i have a i have my own life i'm 10 20 minutes out of the day you don't see me when i'm at uni you don't see me when i'm in an appointment you see me sitting in front of a camera when i've said it all you didn't see the admission i just had you didn't see what like the ins and the outs of what happened so you don't know what i want to remind people is yes i choose to put my life out here i choose to make videos that's not an open invitation to harass bully slander or anything like that it's not okay to send hate it's not okay to troll someone i see it all the same way it all constitutes a bullying and i've gone from answering these people to any hint of any of it or any association with these people i've gone full on zero tolerance i don't take it anymore i don't know what i did to make her hate me but people will come in out of lives no matter what we say or what we do and it's learning to accept that that gets us three things so yeah thank you for watching and i'll see you go soon with a new video please be kind to me like if you don't like me you don't have to be here you could just it's like holding my flap and it is outside fun anyway bye guys