 Chapter 8 of the life of Saint Teresa. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Anne Boullet. The Life of Saint Teresa by Teresa of Jesus. Translated by the Reverend John Dalton. She mentions what great good her soul received by not having entirely given up her method of prayer. Also, what an excellent remedy prayer is for gaining what we have lost. Not without reason have I been considering so long this life of mine, for I clearly see that it will give no pleasure to anyone to look upon such a wicked creature as myself. And really, I should be glad that all those who read this account would abhor me in seeing a soul so obstinate and so ungrateful towards him, who has bestowed so many favors on her. And I wish I could obtain leave to declare the many times I failed during this period in my obligations to God, because I was not supported by this strong pillar of mental prayer. I passed through this tempestuous sea almost twenty years, between these fallings and risings, though I rose very imperfectly, since I fell again so quickly. And in this kind of life, which was so far below perfection, I made almost no account of venial sins, and for mortal ones, I feared them. It is true, but not so much as I ought to have done, since I did not avoid the dangerous occasions. I can declare that this was one of the most painful kinds of life which can be imagined, for I neither enjoyed the sweetness of God nor the pleasures of the world. When I was entertaining myself with the amusements of the world, the remembrance of what I owed to God gave me pain. And when I was conversing with him in prayer, the affections I had for the world disturbed me. And this was a conflict so very painful, that I know not how it was possible for me to endure it for one month, much more for so many years. Herein I clearly see the great mercy God showed me, that, dealing so much as I did with the world, I could still have the courage to apply myself to mental prayer. I say courage, because I see not one thing in the world in which there seems to be need of greater, than to be carrying on treason against a king, and to be sensible that he knows it well, and yet never to depart from his presence. For though it be true that we are always in the presence of God, yet, me thinks that they who converse with him in mental prayer are in a special manner in his presence, because then they see that he regards them, whereas others may remain some days in his presence without remembering that he looks upon them. True it is, that within this time there were, I believe, many months, and sometimes perhaps a whole year, that I kept myself from offending our Lord, and I gave myself much to prayer. And I use some, and even great diligence, that I might never offend him more, and this I here declare, because what I right now is to be delivered with truth. But I remember little of those good days, and therefore it may be thought they were few, and the evil ones many. Yet few days pass without my giving a considerable time to prayer, unless I were very sick, or extremely busy. The more ill I was, the more I was united with God, and I endeavored that those persons who were then with me might be so too, and this I begged of our Lord, and we spoke very often of him. And so, with the exception of that one year of which I have spoken, during the eight and twenty years which have passed since first I began to use mental prayer, I have endured this battle and strived for more than eighteen, through conversing with God and the world at the same time. In those other years of which I have yet to speak, the cause of the war was changed, though this has not been inconsiderable. But as I was then, I think, in the service of God, and had a knowledge of the vanity of the world, all was sweet and pleasant, as I shall declare afterwards. Now the reason why I have given this account is, first, in order that the mercy of God and my ingratitude towards him may be discerned, as I have before mentioned, and secondly, that it may be understood how great a blessing God bestows on that soul, which he disposes to practice mental prayer with a good will, even though she were not so well prepared for it as she should be. But if she persevered therein, whatever sins she may commit, whatever temptations may be presented to her, or whatever faults she may receive in a thousand different ways from the devil, I consider it certain that our Lord will, in the end, bring her safe to the port of salvation. As, it seems now, he has done so to me, may his majesty grant that I may never again expose myself to be lost. Many holy and good men have written on the benefits he obtains, who exercises himself in prayer. I mean mental prayer, and glory be to God for it. And even if this were not true, though I have but little humility, yet I am not so proud as to venture to speak on this subject. But I may presume to say something of that, concerning which I have some experience, and it is this, that whoever has begun mental prayer, I wish him not to give it up, whatever sins he may commit in the meantime, since this is the means by which he may recover himself again, but without it, he will find the work much more difficult. And let not the devil tempt him, as he did me, to leave it off through a motive of humility. But let him firmly believe that God's word cannot fail, that if we truly repent, and are determined not to offend him anymore, he will restore us to the same friendship we enjoyed before, and bestow on us the same favors we received before, and sometimes even greater, if our repentance should deserve it. Whoever has not commenced this exercise, I beseech him, for the love of our Lord, not to deprive himself of so great a benefit. Here we have nothing to fear, but much to desire, for though one should not advance much, nor strive to be so perfect as to deserve those favors and caresses which God gives to perfect souls, yet the least which he will obtain will be to advance along the path that leads to heaven, and to know that it is the right way. I trust in the mercy of God, that no one ever made choice of him for a friend, whom he did not well repay, if he persevered. For mental prayer is nothing else, in my opinion, than a treaty of friendship with our Lord, often speaking alone with him, who we know loves us. And if you love him not yet, for in order that your love may be sincere and the friendship may last, the conditions must be reciprocal, and we know that nothing will be wanting on our Lord's part, and that our nature is vicious, sensual and ungrateful. I repeat, if you do not as yet love him so much, on account of the difference which exists between his nature and ours, yet considering how important it is that we should be on terms of friendship with him, and how much he loves us, we must bear patiently the pain of conversing often with one whose nature is so different from ours. Oh infinite goodness of God, it seems to me that I see you and see myself in this manner. Oh joy of the angels, how I desire, when I consider these things, to be dissolved in loving thee. How certain it is that thou dost suffer much when we do not allow thee to be with us. Oh what a good friend thou art, my Lord, since thou continuous to caress us and patiently to bear with us. And thou waitest till we make ourselves like thee, and in the meantime thou dost endure our corrupt nature. Thou take us into account, my Lord, the few hours during which we love thee, and by one single act of repentance on our part, thou forget us all our offenses. All this I have clearly seen in my own case, and I cannot understand, oh my Creator, why the whole world does not strive to draw near unto thee in order to share in this close friendship. The wicked, who are not of the same nature with thee, should come to thee, that thou mayest make them good, and that they may suffer thee to be with them, though it were only for two hours in the day. Yea, though it were with a thousand distracting cares and thoughts of the world, as I myself was accustomed to have. And to recompense the violence they use, in order to make themselves love being in thy company, for neither in these beginnings nor afterwards can they avoid these distractions. Thou obligest, oh Lord, the devils to abstain from attacking them, and each day thou dost lessen their power over them, and thou give us them strength to overcome these evil spirits. Oh, life of all lives! Thou dost never destroy anyone who puts his confidence in thee, nor anyone who desires thee for a friend, but thou sustainest the life of the body with increased health, and thou give us the same to the soul. For my part, I cannot understand why men should fear, as they do, to begin the practice of mental prayer, nor do I know what they are afraid of. The devil, however, strives all he can to make us fearful in order to do us thereby some real evil of thinking how much we have offended God, how much we owe him, that there is a heaven and a hell, and what great labors and sufferings our Lord endured for our sake. This was my prayer, which I continued during all the time I was in these dangers, and thus did I meditate whenever I was able. And often, for some years, I was more desirous that the hour should end and more anxious to hear the clock strike than to attend to other good things. And many times it happened that whatever penance was set before me, however great, I would more willingly have performed it than prepare myself for prayer. And it is certain that the violence which the devil employed against me was either so insupportable or my own wicked habits were so great that I was induced not to go to prayer. And the sadness of my heart was such when I entered into my oratory that all my courage was necessary to help me to force myself. At last, our Lord was pleased to assist me, and people say the courage I have is not little. And it seems our Lord has given me greater than is usually given to women, but I have made a very bad use of it. But afterwards, when I had made use of this violence, I found myself in the enjoyment of more quiet and more consolation, so that sometimes I had a desire to pray. Since then, our Lord endured for so long a time such a wicked creature as myself, and it appears clear that all my evils were remedied by this means of prayer. What person, however wicked he may be, can have any reason to be afraid? Four, how wicked so ever he may have been, yet he cannot be so bad as I was during many years, after I had received so many favors from our Lord. And who can distrust our Lord since he bore with me so long, and for this sole reason, because I desired and procured some time and place in which he might be with me? And this I often did without any inclination of my own, but only by the great violence which I either offered to myself or which our Lord offered to me. If, therefore, the use of mental prayer be so proper, and even so necessary for those who do not serve God, but offend him, and since no one can possibly find it can do him any harm, which would not be much greater without prayer? How can they omit it who serve God in desire to love him? Most certainly, unless a man wishes to pass through the troubles of this life with still more numerous troubles, and to close the gate against God himself, lest he should by this means give him comfort, I cannot understand his manner of proceeding. I have indeed much compassion for those souls who serve God at their own cost, but as for those who use mental prayer, our Lord bears their expenses, and repays the little trouble they endure with many pleasures, that so they may bear those troubles for his sake. Concerning those caresses which our Lord gives to those who persevere in prayer, I shall speak more at length further on, and shall say nothing here. I will only mention that prayer was the gate through which God bestowed on me such great favors. If that be closed, I know not how he will bestow them, because though he should desire to enter a soul, to regal both himself and her, he has no means of doing so, because he wishes to have her all to himself, to be pure, and to be desirous of receiving favors. If we put any obstacles in the way, and do nothing to remove them, how can we expect him to come to us, or desire that he should bestow great favors upon us? In order that his mercy may be seen, and the great benefit it was for me, not to have omitted prayer and reading, I will hear mention, since to understand this point is very important, what kind of a battery the devil raises against a soul in order to gain her, and with what art and mercy our Lord endeavors to draw her to himself, in order that others may be on their guard against those dangers to which I expose myself. But, above all things, by the great love with which our Lord seeks to draw us to him, I entreat others, for the love of God, to keep themselves from dangerous occasions. For when we are in the midst of them, there can be no security against so many enemies who attack us, especially as we are so weak in defending ourselves. I wish I could here describe the captivity in which my soul was bound in those days, for I knew well I was a captive, but yet I could not understand to what I was a slave. Nor could I wholly believe that what my confessors represented as trifling was so very bad, as I felt it to be in my soul. A certain person once told me, when I went to him with a scruple, that although I should practice the highest degree of contemplation, yet such occasions and conversations were not prejudicial to me. This happened to me towards the end, when, by the grace of God, I was separating myself more and more from great dangers. When they observed me to have good desires, and to follow the exercise of prayer, they thought I did a great deal. But my soul knew well that this was not doing all I was obliged to do, for one to whom I owed so much. I am now grieved when I consider how much my soul suffered, and what little help she received from anyone but God, and how many opportunities I had for pleasures and pastimes, by being told they were lawful. But the torment which I endured by hearing sermons was not little, for I was particularly fond of them. In so much so, that whenever I heard anyone preach well, and with animation, I conceived a particular love for him, without endeavoring to feel it, though I know not how I came to have it. It seems to me that no sermon could ever be so bad, which I would not willingly listen to. Although, in the opinion of others who heard it, this sermon might not have been good, but when it was, it gave me particular pleasure. I was seldom or ever tired with speaking of God, or with hearing him spoken of. This was after I had begun to use mental prayer. On the one hand, sermons gave me great consolation, but on the other, they tormented me, because by them I understood that I was far from being what I ought to be. I begged of our Lord to help me, but as far as I can judge, I was to blame for not putting my whole confidence in His Majesty, and entirely distrusting myself. I sought for a remedy, and was diligent therein, but I understood not that all is of little use, unless we strip ourselves of all confidence in ourselves, and put all our trust in God. I desired to lead a true life, for I knew well I was not doing so then, but that I was fighting with the shadow of death, and there was no one who could give me life. I could not take it myself, and he who could give it to me had reason enough not to help me, since he had so often drawn me to himself, and I had left him. The Life of St. Teresa This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Anne Boulais The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the Reverend John Dalton. Chapter 9 She declares by what means our Lord began to awaken her soul, and to enlighten her in such great darkness. But now my soul began to grow weary, and yet the bad habits which I had acquired would not permit her, though she desired it, to take any repose. It happened one day that I went into the oratory to see a picture which had been brought there, to be kept for a certain festival which was celebrated in the house, and when I looked upon it I was much affected. It was Christ our Lord, all covered with wounds, and being devoutly made, it represented very well all that He had suffered for us. The sense of the little gratitude I had showed to our Lord for all these wounds was such that I thought my heart would break, and so I cast myself down near the picture, shedding floods of tears, and beseeching God to strengthen me once for all, that so I might never more offend Him. I was very much devoted to the glorious Mary Magdalene, and I very often thought of her conversion, especially when I received the Holy Communion, for as I certainly knew our Lord was within me at that time, I placed myself at His feet, thinking my tears would not be despised by Him. I know not what I said then, but I still know that He who was pleased I should shed those tears did bestow favors on me since I forgot so soon those tender feelings. I also recommended myself to this glorious saint that she might help me to obtain the pardon of my sins. But I think that I gained more profit on this last occasion when I prayed before the picture because I had a great distrust in myself and placed all my confidence in God. It seems to me that I then told Him I would never rise from that place till He had granted my petition, and I infirmly persuaded this did me good, for I have gone on improving much ever since that time. This was my method of prayer, not being able to discourse with my understanding. I endeavored to represent Christ as within me, and I thought I always found myself better. When I saw Him in places where He was most alone, for, being alone and afflicted, it seemed as if He would then admit me as a person in great misery. I had many of these simplicities, and especially I found much profit in the prayer made by our Savior in the garden. There I was accustomed to accompany Him. I thought on His bloody sweat and the great torment He then endured, and I desired to wipe off that most painful sweat from His face, but I remembered that I never dared presume to do this. So grievously did my sins represent themselves to me. However, I remained by Him, as well as my thoughts would allow, because many were the thoughts which tormented me most nights, during many years. Before I went to sleep and was recommending myself to God, I always thought a little on the prayer in the garden. Even before I was a religious, for I had been told I could gain many indulgences thereby. I think I gained much by this means, for I began to use mental prayer without knowing what it was, and it was as usual with me not to omit this practice, as to omit blessing myself before I fell asleep. But, to return to what I was saying respecting the torment which my thoughts gave me, this method of proceeding without the help of the understanding is such, that the soul either gains or loses much by it. She loses when all consideration is gone, and she gains much because all such prayer is love. But to arrive at this point will cost us a great deal of trouble, with the exception of those persons whom our Lord pleases to conduct in a short time to the prayer of quiet. And some such persons I know. But for those who go along this way, it is good to use a book in order to recollect themselves quickly. As to myself, I receive profit in looking upon the fields, flowers, and water. In these things I found something to remind me of our Creator. I mean, they serve to awaken and keep me recollected, and they were as a book to me. They always brought to mind my sins and in gratitude. As regards heavenly things and other such high subjects, my understanding was so dull that I was never able to represent them to my imagination, until our Lord represented them to me by other means. I had so little ability in representing things to my mind by means of the understanding that my imagination availed me nothing, except only respecting things which I saw, and yet others are able to do this because they know how to form representations by which they are unable to recollect themselves. I could only think on Christ our Lord as man, and it is quite true that how much so ever I read of His beauty or saw pictures of Him, yet I could never represent Him to myself, but was just like one who was either blind or in the dark, for though He may speak with another person and know that He is with Him, because He is sure this said person is there, yet He only knows and believes Him to be present, for He does not see Him. In like manner it happened to me, whenever I thought of our Lord, this was the reason I was so fond of pictures. Miserable creatures are they who, through their own fault, lose this benefit. It appears clear to me that they do not love our Lord, for if they loved Him, they would be glad to see His pictures, just as in this life we are glad to see the image of one whom we love. About this time, the confessions of Saint Augustine were given to me and it seems our Lord so ordained it, for neither did I procure them nor had I ever seen them before. I had a very great affection for this Saint, because the monastery where I lived a secular was of His order, and also because He had been a sinner, for I found much comfort in those saints, who, after having been sinners, were converted to our Lord, thinking that I should be helped by them and that our Lord would be pleased to forgive me as He had them. But one consideration discouraged me, which was, that our Lord called them but once, and they fell from Him no more. But my faults were so numerous that I was afflicted exceedingly on this account. But yet, when I considered the love He bore me, I was encouraged, for I never distrusted in His mercy, though in myself I did very often. Oh my God, how astonished I am at that obstinacy of mine, during which I continue to receive so many helps from Thy hand. I am fearful when I consider how little I was able to do with myself, and how I remain still tied and determined not to give myself wholly to Thee. But when I began to read the confessions, I thought I saw myself described therein, and I recommended myself earnestly to this glorious saint. When I came to the account of his conversion, and read how he heard that voice in the garden, it was, I thought, as if our Lord himself spoke to me, so lively was the feeling in my heart. For some time I was entirely dissolved in tears, and felt great affliction and anguish within me. Oh my God, how much does a soul suffer after losing her liberty of being mistress over herself? And what torments does she not endure? I wonder how I was able to live in such great trouble, but, blessed be God, who gave me life, that I might escape from so deadly a death. Me thought I obtained great strength from His majesty, and that He would now hear my cries, and have compassion on all my tears. My desire to spend more time with Him began also to increase, and to draw myself from all evil occasions. For when once they were removed, I immediately began again to love His majesty. At least I thought I then loved Him, but in reality I understood not, as I ought to have understood, in what the love of God consists. As far as I remember, I had scarcely finished disposing myself, and wishing to serve Him when His majesty began to caress me. It seems that what others endeavored to acquire by great labor, our Lord caressed me in such a way as to make me desirous of receiving it, these, His giving me delights and caresses in these latter years. I was never so bold as to beseech Him to give me any tenderness of devotion, but I only begged to give me grace not to offend Him any more, and that He would pardon my great sins. And seeing how numerous they were, I never intentionally presumed to desire either delights or caresses. I thought He showed me pity enough, and truly great was His mercy towards me, in allowing me to appear before His presence, for I knew that if He had not done so, I should never have come. Only once in my life I remember having asked of Him to give me some consolations, and this was when I had great dryness of devotion. But as soon as I reflected on what I had done, I was so confused that the grief I felt in seeing what little humility I possessed obtained from me what I had not dared to ask for. I knew well, however, it was lawful to pray for it. But I thought this was true for those only who were disposed to receive it, by their having endeavored with all their strength to acquire true devotion, and this was my consensus in not offending God, and in being disposed and resolved to do everything that is good. And me thought that those tears of mine were feminine tears without any efficacy, since I did not obtain that by them which I desired, though yet upon the whole I believe they were useful to me, because, as I have said, especially after that great compunction I felt on those two several occasions, and the pain I had at my heart, began to give myself more to prayer, and not to interest myself so much in those things which might do me hurt. I did not, however, entirely leave them aside, but, as I was mentioning, God continued helping me to withdraw myself from them, for His Majesty was only waiting for some preparation on my part, that so His spiritual favors might increase in the manner I shall relate. Our Lord is not accustomed to grant them, except to those only who keep their conscience in greater purity than I did. End of Chapter 9 Chapter 10 of the Life of St. Teresa This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Anne Boulet. The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus. Translated by the Reverend John Dalton. Chapter 10 The saint begins to mention the favors our Lord bestowed upon her in prayer, and she speaks of the manner in which we may help ourselves, etc. As I have already mentioned, I sometimes had certain beginnings of that which I shall now relate, though it passed quickly away. It happened in this representation, when I placed myself near Christ, of which I have been speaking, and sometimes also when I was reading, that there would suddenly come upon me such a feeling of the presence of God that I could in no way doubt but that He was with me, or else I was engulfed in Him. This was not in a manner of a vision, but I think they call it mystical theology, which suspends the soul in such a manner that she seems to be wholly out of herself. The will loves, the memory seems to me to be almost lost, and the understanding does not reverse as far as I can judge, though it be not lost. Yet it works not, as I was saying, but remains as if astonished at considering how much it understands, because God is pleased it should know that it comprehends nothing of that which His Majesty represents to it. At first, I very frequently enjoyed a certain tenderness, which in some measure, it seems to me, may be procured. It is a pleasure which is neither wholly sensual, nor wholly spiritual. It is all the gift of God. But it seems we can help ourselves a great deal in the acquisition of it by considering our own baseness and our ingratitude towards God, how much He has done for us, His passion and grievous torments, His whole life, which was so afflicted, by taking delight in considering His works, His greatness, how much He loves us, and many other such things. Whoever earnestly desires to profit by these, will often meditate upon them, though he may not intentionally walk along this path. And if, together with these reflections, there be some love united, the soul will be caressed, the heart softened, and tears will flow. Sometimes it seems we obtain these by force, and at other times our Lord gives them to us, so that we are not able to resist them. Now it appears that His Majesty is pleased to repay for the slight care we take to serve Him. By that gift, which is so great, these, the consolation He bestows on that soul, whom He beholds weeping for having offended so great a Lord, and I wonder not at her being consoled so much. For in this she rejoices, in this she regals herself. I think the comparison which now offers itself to me is a just one. These, that these joys of prayer must be something like the joys of heaven, for as they see no more there than what God is pleased they shall see according to their desserts, and as they see how small those desserts are, everyone is content with the place he has, although there is a very great difference in heaven between the joys of some and those of others, as there is here on earth between spiritual pleasures and earthly ones. And truly when God, in the beginning, bestows such favors on a soul, she is then almost convinced there is nothing more to be desired and she considers herself to be well repaid for all that she has done in the service of God. And with reason does she think so, for even one of those tears, which as I was saying, we might almost procure ourselves, though without God's assistance we can do nothing. Cannot, in my opinion, be purchased by all the labors of the world, because by those tears a soul gains much. And what greater gain can there be than to have some proof or testimony that we please God? Let him then, who has arrived at this point, praise God exceedingly, and acknowledge that he is greatly in his debt, because it seems evident our Lord desires such a one for his own house, and has chosen him for his kingdom, that so he may turn back no more. Let us not pay any attention to certain feelings of humility which people and whereon I intend to speak, for to some it seems a part of humility not to understand those gifts which our Lord bestows upon them. But let us know well how the case stands with us, these, that God does not give us those gifts through our own merit, and that we should be grateful to his majesty for them, for if we know not what we receive, we cannot excite ourselves to love him. And it is a most certain truth that when we think that we should be very rich, provided that we know we are poor, then more profit comes to us, and our humility becomes even more sincere. The other course tends only to intimidate the soul, and to make her think herself incapable of receiving great benefits. These, if when once our Lord begins to bestow them, the soul should also begin to terrify herself with the fear of vain glory. Let us rather believe that he who is to us will likewise give us strength to resist the devil, and grace to discover him when he proceeds to attack us on this point. This will be the case if we act with sincerity before God, and desire to please him alone, and not men. It is very certain that we love a person the more when we often call to mind the favors he has conferred upon us. If then, it be lawful and so meritorious for us, always to remember that we have our being from God, that he made us out of nothing, that he preserves us, and what benefits we have derived from his death and sufferings, which he endured long before we were created for everyone who is now alive. Why should it not be lawful for me to know and to consider how often I was accustomed to be speaking of vain things, but that now our Lord has given me the grace to desire nothing, save to speak of him? Behold here a jewel, which, when we remember that it has been given to us and that we now possess it, forces and invites us to love him, and all this good comes from prayer, when founded on humility. But what will it be when we shall see in our power other more precious jewels, which some servants of God have already received these, a contempt of the world and even of ourselves? It is certain that we shall then consider ourselves greater debtors and more obliged to serve him. We shall be convinced that none of these favors come from ourselves and we shall see the bounty of our Lord, who wished to be still more riches than I could even desire on a soul so poor and wicked as mine, and without any merit whatever. For the first of these jewels would have been more than sufficient for me. It is necessary to acquire new strength to serve him, and to endeavor not to prove ungrateful, because our Lord bestows the favors on this condition. And if we should not make a good use of this treasure and of the high place he has raised us to, he will take those gifts away from us, and then we shall become much poorer than we were before, and his majesty will give those jewels to whom he pleases, to one who will benefit himself and others by the good use of them. But how can that man who does not know he is rich derive any benefit from them and distribute them to others with liberality? In my opinion it is impossible, considering our nature, that he should have a soul capable of doing great things, who does not know he is assisted by God, because as we are so miserable and so inclined to the things of the earth, we cannot effectually abhor them, unless we feel that we have some relish for heavenly things. It is by these gifts our Lord imparts that fortitude to us which we lost by our sins and unless a person possess some pledge of God's love towards him, united with a lively faith he cannot well rejoice at being despised and abhorred by everyone, neither can he acquire those other great virtues which the perfect possess. Naturally we are so dead in faith that we consider only what we see and hence these very favors are the means which awaken and strengthen our faith. It may happen indeed that being so wicked myself, I judge of others by myself, and that these may require no more than the true faith to make their works perfect, but as I am so very miserable I stand in need of every help. Others may say what they think proper, but I relate what I have experienced, following the command of my superiors, and if what I say be not good or proper, he to whom I send may tear it in pieces, because he knows what is unfit better than I do. And I beseech him for the love of our Lord that he would publish whatever I have said hitherto concerning my sins and wicked life, and from this moment I give leave to my present confessor and to all who have been my confessors, and he is of the number to whom this account is going, to publish my sins even in my lifetime if they desire it that though I may deceive the world no longer, for people may think there is some good in me. And I most sincerely speak the truth, that he who should do so would give me great consolation, but as regards what I shall relate afterwards, I give my confessors no such liberty, but should they show what I have written to anyone, I desire they will not mention who the person is, nor in whom the things happened, nor who wrote the account, and this is the reason why I do not name myself, nor anyone else, but in writing it, I have done my best not to be known, and I desire it may remain a secret for the love of God. If our Lord shall give me grace to say anything that is good, the approval of grave and learned persons will be sufficient, and should there be anything useful, it will be God's, not mine, for I have no learning nor goodness, nor have I been taught by any learned person, or by anyone else, and they only who command me to write it know that I write it, and at present they are not here. I write also as if by stealth, and with trouble, because thereby I am keeping from spinning, and I live in a poor house, and have a great deal of business. If our Lord had given me better abilities and a more retentive memory, both of which are very poor, I might then have profited by what I heard or read, and so if I shall say anything good, our Lord wills it for some good end, but whatever is useless or bad, that will be mine, and your reverence may blot it out. And neither for the one, nor for the other will there be any advantage in mentioning my name. While one is alive, it is clear that his virtue should not be mentioned, and when dead, the recital of them will serve no other purpose but to make them lose their credit. When it is known the account is given by such a base in miserable creatures myself. And because I think and hope your reverence will do this, and I beg this favor from you, and from the others who may see the recital for the love of God, hence I write with such freedom. For otherwise I should have some scruple in doing so, though in declaring my sins I have none at all. In other things, my being a woman is sufficient to me. And how much more, since I am a wicked woman also. Whatever therefore, your reverence may find above and in addition to the simple account of my life, you must consider it as intended only for yourself, since you have pressed me so much to give some account of the favors our Lord bestowed on me in prayer, provided it be in accordance with the doctrines of our holy Catholic Church. If not, you must instantly burn it, for I will submit myself to her authority. I will mention what happened to me, in order that if it should prove conformable to the Catholic faith, it may be of some service to your reverence. And if not, you may be able to undeceive my soul, that so the devil may gain nothing by that wherein I thought I had gained something, for our Lord knows, as I shall afterwards show, that I always endeavored to meet with persons who could enlighten me. I desire to speak clearly concerning what relates to prayer, it will be very obscure for him who has no experience therein. I shall also mention some of the impediments which, in my opinion, prevent persons from walking in this way, and other matters in which there may be some danger, according to what our Lord has taught me by experience. And for many years since I have consulted very learned and spiritual men who see that during seven and twenty years, in which I have used mental prayer, though I have gone on amidst many obstacles, and very badly also. Our Lord has given me such experience as he has not given to others during seven and thirty, or even seven and forty years, though at the same time they had always walked along the path of virtue and of penance. May he be blessed by all men, and I beseech his majesty, by what he is himself, that he may be served by me. For my Lord knows well that I wish for nothing else, but that he may be a little more praised and exalted, and seeing he desires to plant a garden of sweet flowers on such a foul dung hill as I am, may his majesty grant I may not through my own fault pull them up, and so become again what I was before. I entreat your reverence, for the love of our Lord, to beg this favor of him for me, since I know what I am more clearly than I have been permitted to express. End of Chapter 10 Chapter 11 of the Life of St. Teresa This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Anne Boulet. The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus Translated by the Rev. John Dalton Chapter 11 She declares in what the fault consists of not loving God with perfection in a short time. This she begins to declare by a comparison containing four degrees of prayer. In speaking then of those who begin to be servants of love, and it seems to me to be nothing else than to resolve to follow him, who has loved us so much. I find it to be so great a dignity thinking of it delights me in a particular manner. For servile fear goes away immediately. If we conduct ourselves as we ought in this first degree of prayer, Oh Lord of my soul, and my eternal good, how is it that when a soul is determined to love thee, and to do what she can to leave all things, that so she may employ herself the better on this love of thee? How is it thou art not pleased that she should immediately rejoice in having this perfect love? But no, I ought to have said it is of ourselves that we have reason to complain because we do not desire it. All the fault is ours in not immediately enjoying this love with perfection. True love of God brings with it every blessing but we are so fond of ourselves and so slow in giving ourselves entirely to God that as His Majesty on the one hand will not allow us to enjoy so precious a treasure without paying a great price for it. So on the other we must never omit disposing ourselves to receive it. I see clearly that there is nothing on this earth which can purchase so great a treasure but if we did what we could to prevent ourselves from clinging to the things of this world and if all our care and conversation were directed to heaven, I am confident that very speedily this blessing would be given to us if we quickly and entirely were to dispose ourselves to receive it as some saints have done. But the truth is we think we give all to God whereas we offer Him only the rent or fruits. Keeping in the meantime the roots and possession of the land ourselves, we resolve to be poor and this is great merit. But often do we employ all our care and diligence in seeing that we want nothing not only of what is necessary but of what is even superfluous and we are also careful to meet with friends who will procure these things for us and thus we expose ourselves to greater trouble and perhaps greater danger than we were in before when we have possession of our own estates and all that nothing may be wanting to us. It seems also that in becoming religious or when we begin to lead a spiritual life and to follow perfection we care not for the honor of this world and yet as soon as ever our honor is in any degree touched we forget that we gave it all to God and we wish to snatch it from the hands of God as they say and so run away with it even after we had freely made Him Lord of it as we thought and this is the case in all other things. This is an odd way of seeking the love of God to desire to possess it entirely and as it were in handfuls and yet still to attain our old affections and not endeavor to fulfill our good desires nor wish to raise them from the earth though we expect to enjoy many spiritual consolations at the same time but these two extremes cannot well agree nor is there in my opinion any relation between them and therefore because we do not at once give ourselves up entirely to God this treasure is not entirely given to us may His Majesty however be pleased to bestow it upon us were it only drop by drop and though it should cost us all possible labors God grants a very great mercy to that person whom He endows with grace and courage to resolve on procuring with all His strength this blessing because if He perseveres our Lord will not deny it to Him and by degrees He will be giving Him courage to gain this victory I mention courage as necessary because in the beginning the devil represents many difficulties in order that we may not commence the good path effectually as one who knows the injury he will receive not only by losing that one soul but many others also if he who has begun to serve God endeavors by the divine assistance to arrive at the height of perfection I believe such a one will never fall into heaven but he will bring many others with him and God will give these to him as to a valiant captain that they may march under his guidance hence as the devil will put many dangers and difficulties in the way great courage is necessary as well as very many graces from God in order not to turn back I will now speak of the manner in which those ought to commence who are determined to go in search of this blessing and to succeed in this enterprise I shall treat afterwards on what I have already begun to speak about these mystical theology as I think it is called the greatest trouble comes in the beginning for those who give their whole substance to God are the persons who suffer but in the other degrees of prayer there is more enjoyment though all three have their crosses in different ways all those however who wish to follow Christ must walk along the way he went to be lost and happy trials these are which even in this life are so super abundantly repaid I will now make use of some comparisons which yet I would be glad not to mention because I am a woman and I would wish also to relate simply what my superiors command me but this language of the soul is so difficult to be expressed by ignorant persons like myself that I must discover some method of explaining it it may happen that seldom I will have the good fortune to give a proper comparison and in this case your reverence will be amused at seeing my stupidity it seems to me that I have either read or heard the following comparison though as I have such a bad memory I know not where or how I first met with it but it will serve my purpose for the present he then who commences prayer should imagine that he is beginning to make a garden for the delight of his Lord in some very beautiful soil full of weeds his majesty must be asked to pull up the bad plants and put good ones in their place but we will suppose this is already done when a soul has not only determined but is resolved to make use of mental prayer and now by God's help we must endeavor like good gardeners to make these plants grow and we should take care to water them that so they may not wither but bring forth flowers of such fragrance as may please our Lord and then he may take pleasure in often coming into this garden and delighting himself with our virtues let us see then in what way these flowers may be watered that so we may understand what we have to do and what trouble it will cost us whether it will be greater than the gain and how long it will last it seems to me that these plants may be watered in four different ways one by drawing water out of a well and this cannot be done without much labor two by using a wheel with buckets attached to it and this can easily be turned by the hand sometimes I have in this way drawn water myself and I found it was less troublesome and drew more than by the former method three by letting some small stream run into the garden and by this means it will be watered much better than by the preceding method and the earth will have moisture and there will be no necessity to water the ground so often the labor of the gardener also will be much less four by a good shower of rain falling for then our Lord himself waters the garden without any labor on our part and this is without comparison by far the best method of all I have mentioned and now let us apply these four ways of watering whereby this garden is to be kept in good order because without water a garden will perish this comparison which suits my purpose may serve to explain in some measure the four degrees of prayer to which our Lord in His goodness has sometimes raised my soul and may it please His Majesty that I may speak correctly and in such a way as to profit one of those persons who have commanded me to write this account and whom our Lord has advanced further in four months than I was ever able to advance in seventeen years but He disposed Himself better than I did and hence His garden was watered in these four ways without any trouble on His part though the last of these was given to Him only by drops but He advances so rapidly that by the assistance of our Lord He will very soon be engulfed in it and I should be glad were He to laugh at me in case He finds my method of expressing these things to be very foolish that those who begin to use mental prayer are the persons who draw the water out of the well and that this work is very troublesome as I have mentioned above they grow weary in recollecting their senses which as they were accustomed to wander about are difficult to keep in order these persons therefore should accustom themselves not to hear or to see anything which may distract them they should observe their hours of prayer love solitude and consider alone by themselves their past life and though the perfect and the imperfect ought often to dwell on these thoughts yet as I shall afterwards show some require more and others less time at first they will feel some uneasiness because they are not fully satisfied whether they have repented of their sins and yet they do repent because they are so determined to serve God in good earnest they should endeavor also to meditate on the life of Christ though the understanding may grow weary of this practice at this point we may be able to arrive ourselves I mean together with the divine assistance for without this we know we cannot have even a good thought this is beginning to draw water out of the well and God grant there may be some at least the fault will not be ours if there be none provided we endeavor to draw it and do all our power to water those flowers and God is so good that when for reasons best known to his majesty perhaps for our greater profit he wishes this well to become dry he still supports the flowers without water provided we do our part like good gardeners and he causes virtues to spring up by water I mean tears and if there be none tenderness and an inward feeling of devotion what will he do who experiences nothing for a long time but dryness disgust and insipidity and so little inclination to go and draw any more water if he did not remember that he pleases the lord of the garden and does a service to him and if he were not careful not to lose the merit of all his service and the hope also of gaining more by the great labor of often casting the bucket into the well and of bringing it up without any water then he would be inclined to give up everything often times it will happen that he will not be able to move his arms nor to have even a good thought this working with the understanding it is understood means drawing water from the well but now as I was saying what is the gardener to do in this case he should rejoice and console himself and esteem it a very great favor to work in the garden of so great a prince and since he knows that thereby gives him pleasure for his object should be not to please himself but God let him praise our Lord who treats with him so confidently because he sees him so careful to do what he commands him without receiving any recompense and let him assist our Lord in carrying his cross and remember that he lived all his life upon it he should not desire to have his kingdom here in this world nor ever once give up his prayer he should rather let him resolve though this dryness should last all his life never to allow Christ to fall with his cross the time will come when he will be repaid all together he need not fear lest his labor should be lost for he serves a good master who beholds all that he does he should not make any account of bad thoughts but consider how the devil represented them to Saint Jerome in the desert as one who has endured them for many years that when I drew only a drop of water from this blessed well I thought that God conferred a favor upon me I know these troubles are very great and it seems to me more courage is necessary to support them than many other troubles in the world but I have clearly seen that even in this life God does not leave such souls without bestowing on them great rewards for it is that when I have passed one hour only in the enjoyment of our Lord here below I have afterward esteemed all my afflictions well rewarded which I endured all the time I made use of prayer I believe our Lord is desirous often to give in the beginning these afflictions and many other such temptations which occur in order to try his lovers and to discover if they can drink his chalice and help him to carry his cross before he will commit such valuable treasures to them and I think that for our greater good his majesty wishes to carry us along this way that so we may understand how little we are worth because the favors he afterwards bestows are so excellent that he wishes we should first know our misery by experience before he bestows them less what happened to Lucifer might befall us but what oh my Lord art thou would it not be better for the good of that soul which thou knowest is already thine and which puts herself into thy hands to follow thee wheresoever thou goest were it even to the death of the cross to resolve to help thee to carry it and never to leave thee alone with it they who see themselves possess with such resolutions need not fear for spiritual persons who are raised to such a high degree of perfection as to despise all the pleasures of the world and to wish to be alone with God have no reason to be afflicted the rest is already accomplished praise his majesty for it and confide in his goodness for he never was wanting to his friends consider not why he gives to one sensible devotion in a few days and does not grant it to another for many years let us believe that all this is done for our greater good and let his majesty guide us where he pleases for we are no longer our own but his great is the favor he bestows upon us in permitting us to dig in his garden and in allowing us to be so near the lord thereof for it is certain that he is with us whether he may please that these plants and flowers grow or not grow by giving water to some and none to others what does that matter do oh lord as thou pleasest only let me not offend thee nor let my virtues be lost if thou has given me any I wish to suffer oh lord since thou dis suffer may thy will be accomplished in me in every way and thy majesty be pleased at a treasure of such high value as thy love may never be given to those who only wish to serve thee for the pleasures thereof it is necessary to remark and I speak of this fact because I know the truth of it by experience that a soul which begins to walk in this way of prayer with a firm determination not to make much account whether she received many consolations or none at all because our lord gives these consolations in tenderness of devotion or he does not such a soul has already passed over the greater part of the road and she need have no fear of going back again whatever obstacles she may meet with for the building is placed on a solid foundation hence the love of God consists not in having the gift of others nor in receiving consolations and tenderness of devotion which we may however desire and take comfort in but in serving him with justice, fortitude and humility otherwise it seems to me we should be receiving everything and giving nothing ourselves and as for weak insignificant and cowardly women like myself we think that good and proper our lord should lead us on with consolations such as I now him in order that we may the better endure those afflictions which his majesty is pleased to send us but as regards true servants of God, men of solid virtue learned and sensible that such should be disturbed at not receiving from God tenderness of devotion gives me sorrow they should certainly receive these delights when God grants them and esteem them very highly because then his majesty sees they are good for them they should not be troubled knowing that as his majesty does not give them they are not necessary for them they should be masters of themselves and everything and believe this is a defect for I have tried and seen it myself and in imperfection not to walk on with liberty of spirit and to be cowardly in attacking difficulties I say not this so much for those who are beginners though I place much stress on it because it is very important they should begin with this liberty and determination but for others also for there are many who have begun and yet do not advance and I think it is in a great measure owing to their not having embraced the cross from the beginning such persons will fall into affliction thinking that they do nothing and because the understanding does not work they are in trouble though perhaps then it is that the will is nourished and perceiving it we should recollect that our Lord does not look at these things for though they may seem to us to be false yet they are not so in reality his majesty already knows our misery and base nature much better than we do ourselves and how these souls desire always to be thinking of him and loving him this is that determination which he desires from us but the other is an affliction which we bring on ourselves for it serves to disturb the soul and if before she were unable to advance during one hour now she will not perhaps advance in four hours and many times for I have great experience in this matter and know it to be true because I have carefully considered this subject and spoke about it afterwards with spiritual persons this arises from corporal indisposition for as we are so miserable this poor confined soul of ours participates in the miseries of the body even the change of the weather in the seasons and our own humours are often the cause why without any fault of ours we cannot do as we wish and hence we suffer in every way and when we try to force ourselves at this particular time the evil becomes worse and lasts the longer judgment is necessary in order to know when the evil proceeds from this cause and the poor soul must not be oppressed we should also be aware that we are sick and the hour of prayer should be changed and this very often for several days this banishment we must endure as well as we can for it is misery enough for a soul which loves God to see that she lives in this misery and that she is unable to do what she desires on account of the infirmities of the body in which she lodges I said this is to be done with discretion because sometimes the devil will be the cause of these things and therefore it is good not always to omit the usual time of prayer whenever there may be great disturbance and distraction in the understanding nor yet always to be tormenting the soul to make her do what she is not able there are also other exterior works of charity which may be used and though sometimes the soul may not be able to attend to these yet she must accommodate herself for the love of God to the weakness of the body because at other times the body serves the soul and she may use his recreations holy conversations or walk out into the fields just as her confessor shall advise experience is an excellent schoolmaster in everything for it makes one understand what suits us and in all things God is served for his yoke is sweet it is very important the soul should not be dragged along the ground as it were but that she should be led along with mildness and sweetness and she may advance the more hence I again advise everyone and though I repeat this advice often it will do no harm for it is very important not to be depressed or afflicted either on account of dryness or troubles or distracting thoughts if we wish to obtain liberty of spirit we should not be always going about in trouble but we should begin at once not to be frightened at the cross and then we shall see how our Lord wishes us to bear it with what pleasure we shall proceed and what profit we shall derive from everything we already see that if there be no water in the well we cannot of ourselves put any into it the truth is we must not be negligent in drawing the water when there is any in because by this means our Lord wishes to multiply our virtues End of Chapter 11 Chapter 12 of the Life of Saint Teresa This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Anne Boulet The Life of Saint Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the Reverend John Dalton Chapter 12 The Saint continues her discourse on the first degree of prayer by which I intended to be understood in the last chapter, though yet I spoke at some length on other points because I considered it necessary to do so, was how much we could acquire ourselves and how in this first part of our devotion we may in some degree help ourselves because by thinking and pondering on what our Lord suffered for us we are moved to compassion and the sorrow and tears which spring there from are very sweet to think also of the eternal we hope for and of the love our Lord bore us and of his resurrection this excites joy within us which is neither holy spiritual nor sensual but it is a virtuous kind of joy and our sorrow is very meritorious of this nature are all those things which cause devotion acquired in part by the understanding though there be no merit or gain there in unless God give it but it will be very proper for which God has not raised to this state not to endeavor to aspire any higher and let this point be well remembered for otherwise it may cause her ruin in this degree she may perform several good actions by resolving to do many things for God and by awakening her love of him and other such actions which help her to increase in virtue according to the rules given in the book called the art of serving God this is a very good book and very proper for those who are in this state because the understanding acts she may also represent herself as in the presence of Christ and accustomed herself to be greatly enamored by his sacred humanity and to be always carrying him along with her and speaking to him she may likewise beg his assistance in her necessities and even complain to him of her afflictions and rejoice with him in her consolations but yet so not to forget him on their account all this may be done without making use of any set form of prayer but only words conformable with her desires and necessities this is an excellent way of advancing in a very short time and whoever will endeavor to keep himself in this holy company and to make a good use of it and also to conceive a true love for our Lord to whom we owe so much such a one I consider as having already advanced this purpose we must not in any way be troubled that we have no sensible devotion as I have already mentioned but rather we should give thanks to our Lord for making us desirous of pleasing him however weak our works may be this method of carrying Christ with us in all the four degrees is very useful it is a most secure means of advancing in the first degree and of quickly arriving at the second degree of prayer and of being free in the last two from those dangers which the devil may place in our way I have now mentioned what we can do if anyone should desire to pass from this state and should raise his mind to the hope of feeling certain consolations which God does not grant him this in my opinion would be to lose both the one and the other for as these consolations are supernatural when the understanding is lost the soul then remains desolate and in great bitterness and since the whole building is grounded on humility the nearer we approach the God the more shall we advance in this virtue and if we do not all is lost it seems to me a kind of pride when we desire to advance higher since God bestows too much honor upon us considering who we are to allow us to be so near him but it must not be understood as if I spoke against raising up our thoughts to the heavenly things or of God and his wisdom and the wonders which are above and though I never did this myself for as I have said I have no ability for it and I knew I was so wicked that God conferred a favor on me in enabling me to think even of earthly things that so I might understand this truth and this too was great boldness on my part and how much more would it be to consider heavenly things yet other persons may profit thereby especially if they have learning and knowledge which in my opinion is a great treasure if accompanied with humility for the exercise of prayer not long ago I witnessed the truth of these words in some learned men who began a short time sense and now they have made very great progress and this makes me feel an earnest desire that all such may become spiritual men as I shall declare afterwards saying about not raising ourselves higher than God wishes to raise us is a spiritual mode of speaking he who has not experienced therein will understand me but if he cannot comprehend what I say I know not how to express it in mystical theology on which I began to speak the understanding ceases to work because God suspends it as I shall declare more at length further on if I be able and God give me grace but to presume or even to think of suspending it ourselves this is what I am saying we must not do neither must we omit working therein because we should then become cold and stupid and not obtain what we desire but when our lord stops and suspends it he supplies it with matter to occupy itself and ravish it with astonishment so that without any reasoning it then understands more during the short space of a time then we ourselves could understand with all possible study during many years but to exercise the powers of the mind and at the same time to think of making them inactive is foolish and I repeat it though it may not be understood that this is no great act of humility for though it be not a fault yet it is trouble thrown away for which there will be a punishment and the soul finds herself possessed with a certain slight disgust says when a person is about to take a leap and is held back by others he seems to have employed all his strength and yet finds himself unable to accomplish what he had desired to do and so whoever will consider the matter will find by the slender gain he has made some little want of humility of which I was speaking because this virtue has the excellent property these that there is no action if it be accompanied with humility which will ever leave the soul in disgust I think what I have said has been understood though perhaps only by myself may our lord open the eyes of those who read it for however small may be their experience they will soon understand what I have been speaking about for several years I continue to read many things and yet I understood none of them and there was also a long time during which though God gave me ability to understand I was not able to express myself so as to be understood and this cost me no little labor but when his majesty wishes he teaches us everything in a moment and this too in such a way as perfectly to astonish me one thing I can say with truth that though I spoke with many spiritual persons who wish to make me understand what our lord imparted to me in order that I might be able to declare it to others yet it is certain my dullness was so great that their discourse was no use to me and perhaps our lord as his majesty was always my master and may he be blessed forever since it is confusion enough to be able to say this with truth was pleased I should have no one to thank but himself and without my desiring or wishing it for in this point I was in no way curious because it might have been a virtue to be so but I was curious in other manatees he gave me to understand it in a moment that so I might be able to declare it to others and this too in such a manner that men were amazed there at and I myself was more than my confessors because I knew my dullness better than they did it is not long since this happened and so I do not endeavor to know those things which our lord has not taught me only so far as they relate to my conscience I again repeat that it is very important not to elevate our spirit unless our lord pleased to do it and this is very soon understood for women especially it is more dangerous as the devil may bring some illusion upon them but still I consider it certain our lord will not permit the devil to do him any harm who shall endeavor to approach his majesty with humility rather will he derive more profit and advantage from that very thing by means of which the devil thought of ruining him I have thus entered into some long details because the road of beginners is more beaten and because the admonitions I have given are very important I acknowledge however that others have written better than myself on the subject and it is with great shame and confusion I have written though not with so much as I ought to have may our lord be praised by all men since he permits so miserable a creature as I am I seek of things relating to him and these so high End of Chapter 12 Chapter 13 of the life of Saint Teresa this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Ann Boulay The life of Saint Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the reverend John Dalton Chapter 13 She continues the first degree of prayer and gives advice against certain temptations which are sometimes brought on by the devil I think it proper to speak on certain temptations which I have noticed occur in the beginning and which I have also experienced myself I will give some advice respecting them which I consider necessary a beginner then should endeavor to go on with cheerfulness and liberty for some person seem to think their devotions will vanish if they should take any little recreation it is certainly proper to have a fear of oneself that so we may entirely distrust ourselves and not putting ourselves in the occasions in which we are accustomed to offend God and this distress will be very necessary until we become perfectly confirmed in virtue few there are who are also confirmed that they can safely trust themselves in occasions which are conformable to their natural inclinations indeed as long as we live in this world it is well to know our miserable nature were it only for the sake of humility but there are many occasions when it is allowed as I have mentioned to take recreation in order that we may return to prayer with greater strength but in all things discretion is necessary and likewise great confidence in God for it is not proper to be diminishing our desires but we must trust in him and if we use our utmost exertions we may by little and little though not immediately arrive at the same perfection the saints did by the divine assistance and if these had never resolved to aspire there too and had not endeavored by degrees to execute their resolves they would never have reached the highest state his majesty loves and is a friend of courageous souls provided they proceed with humility and have no confidence in themselves I have not seen any one of such souls remain behind on the road and on the other hand I have never seen any cowardly soul though provided with the safeguard of humility who has advanced as much in many years as those others who have in a very few years I am amazed when I consider how much is done in this way by animating ourselves to do great things and though the soul may not have sufficient strength to perform them immediately yet she takes a flight and mounts high though like a bird not yet well feathered she grows tired and reposes herself formerly I often considered what saint paul says I can do all things in him who strengthens me as for myself I knew well I could do nothing I also gain great profit from the words of saint augustin give what thou commandest and command what thou wilt I often thought that saint peter lost nothing by throwing himself into the sea though afterwards he was afraid these first resolutions are of great importance though in the first degree it is necessary that we should proceed with discretion and do nothing without the advice of a director but we must take care of one who will not teach us to go along like toads nor to hunt after lizards humility must ever precede that so we may understand this strength does not come from ourselves but we should first understand what kind of humility this must be for I think the devil does those who practice prayer much harm and prevents them from advancing by causing them not to understand what humility properly is and by endeavoring to make them think a species of pride to have heroic desires and to wish for martyrdom and to be anxious to imitate the saints he immediately tells us or makes us suppose that the actions of the saints are only to be admired not imitated by us sinners this I say likewise only we must consider what in particular is to be admired and what imitated it would not be proper for a weak and sickly person to fast much or use severe penances or go into a desert where he could neither sleep nor get anything to eat and so on but we should be convinced that we may by the divine assistance strive to have a great contempt for the world not to esteem honors nor to be attached to riches our hearts are however so very narrow that if we neglect a little the concerns of the body in order to give more attention to the soul as if we should have no ground to stand upon it seems a help to recollection not to be in want of necessary things for cares of any kind interrupt prayer I am grieved that we should have so little confidence in God and so much self love as to be disturbed by any care but the truth is that when a soul has made but little progress trifles will give as great trouble to some persons as matters of great importance due to others and yet in our own minds we presume to think ourselves spiritual men this way of acting seems to me to imply a desire of satisfying our soul and body in such a way as to take our ease in this world and to hope to enjoy God in the next and this will be the case if we walk in justice and adhere to virtue still it is but the pace of a hen and never will it enable us to enjoy true liberty of spirit this seems a good method of proceeding for those who are married and who must act in conformity with their vocation but for any other state to advance in that way I on no account desire nor will people ever make me believe it is a good way for I have tried it myself and I should always have continued in that road if our Lord in his goodness had not taught me another shorter way it is true I always had great desires and I endeavored as I have said to practice prayer though at the same time I wish to live at my ease but I believe that if I could have found anyone to encourage me to fly higher I should have endeavored to execute those desires but through our sins few there are who have over much discretion for such cases and this I think is one great reason why beginners do not advance more quickly on towards perfection our Lord never fails on his part it is we ourselves who are faulty and miserable persons may also imitate saints in loving solitude and keeping silence and practicing many other virtues that will not destroy these our miserable bodies which with so much care we desire to preserve even at the risk of injuring the soul the devil too helps us a great deal to make us unable to do these things for when he sees we have some little fear he desires no more than to persuade us that everything will be apt to kill us or at least to deprive us of our health and if we should have the gift of tears he will try to make us fear we shall lose our sight I have passed through these temptations and therefore know them and I know also that we cannot desire a better kind of life or health than to lose them both in such a cause being so infirm myself I was always tied up and unable to do anything till I resolved to make no account at all of my health or to care for my body even now I can do but little but as soon as our lord was pleased I should discover this trick of the devil I told him whenever he represented to me the danger of losing my health that my death would be of little consequence if he represented to me the necessity of rest I told him that it was not ease which I now wanted but the cross and so I acted in other cases though I am certainly very infirm yet I saw clearly that in many things it was either a temptation of the devil or my own laziness but as I am not so nice and delicate as formerly I now enjoy much better health it is therefore of great importance that those who begin to practice mental prayer be not disturbed or terrified by their thoughts let them believe me in this point for I have some experience therein and perhaps it may be of some use to mention these my faults that so others may take warning by me there is another very common temptation which is this to desire that all may become very spiritual as soon as we ourselves begin to taste the common advantages which come from prayer to desire this object is not bad but to endeavor to effect it might prove hurtful unless great discretion be used and also some dissimulation in such a way as to not let it appear that we are teaching whoever wishes to do some good in this respect must have some very solid virtues so as not to give any temptation to others this happened to me and therefore I understand it for when as I have mentioned I was endeavoring to make others practice prayer and when on the one hand they heard me speak on sublime subjects and of the great benefits which come from prayer and when on the other hand they perceived how few virtues I possessed I led them into temptation and disorder I could not be surprised at this and they themselves told me as much afterwards for they knew not how these two could be reconciled with each other and it caused them not to think that to be evil which was indeed so because they saw me do it sometimes when they had a good opinion of me and this the devil effects who it seems takes advantage of the virtues we possess in order to authorize as far as possible the evil which he strives to accomplish and however little that may be when it is committed in a community it gains much thereby and how much more when the evil which I did was very great and thus in many years there were only three persons who profited by what I said to them and when afterwards our Lord had bestowed upon me more solid virtue many profited by me in two or three years as I shall afterwards mention but besides this there is another great inconvenience these when the soul makes no progress because the chief thing we ought to mind at first is to take care of our soul alone and to consider as if there were no one in the world besides God and herself this is a very important point there is also another temptation and all such temptations come with a zeal for virtue and it is necessary to understand them and to use caution arising from the trouble which men feel for the sins and defects that they observe in others the devil endeavors to persuade us that this grief is entertained by us only because we desire should not offend God and that we are troubled because his honor is insulted then we immediately desire to remedy this evil and we thus become so restless that it hinders prayer but the greatest misfortune is that we think this to be virtue perfection and great zeal for God's glory I speak not of that affliction which public sins cause when a community is in the habit of committing them nor of other calamities of the church such as heresies whereby we see so many souls are lost for this is a very good affliction and being good it does not disturb the soul but the secure way for a soul which desires to practice prayer will be to forget all persons and all things to keep an account with herself and to please God it is very proper to do this for if I should relate all the errors I have seen committed on account of the confidence put in their good intentions I should never make an end let us then always endeavor to consider the virtues and good qualities which we perceive in others and to conceal their defects by the consideration of our own great sins this is a kind of work which though we cannot perform with perfection in a short time yet we may gain great virtue thereby and this consists in esteeming all others better than ourselves this we begin to acquire by the grace of God of which we have need in everything and when this is wanting all our endeavors are useless we must therefore pray for this virtue and if we use all diligence God will not be wanting to anyone let those also who discourse much with the understanding consider well this advice for they are able to draw many thoughts and ideas from one subject but as for those who are unable, like myself to work with this faculty there is no necessity to give them advice but only to have patience till our Lord gives them matter by which they may occupy themselves and light also since they can do so little by themselves that their understanding hinders more than it helps them but to return to those who discourse with the understanding these I would advise not to spend all their time in this exercise for though it be very meritorious yet as prayer is so sweet they think there will be no Sunday nor any season wherein they will not be obliged to labor and therefore they immediately suppose all that time is lost whereas I think that loss is a great gain but let them as I have said represent themselves to be in the presence of Christ and without tiring the understanding let them speak and regal themselves with him and not be fatiguing themselves in composing discourses but only present their necessities and acknowledge themselves unworthy to be allowed to appear in his presence some of these considerations may be used at one time and some at another that so the soul may not grow tired of always feeding on the same food they are also very sweet and very profitable if once we accustom ourselves to feed on them for they bring with them great support for giving life to the soul as well as much profit but I will explain my meaning a little more because these points connected with prayer are all difficult and if we have not a director they are very hard to understand and this is the reason why though I wish to be short for it will be sufficient merely to touch upon them on account of the abilities of him who commanded me to write these particulars on prayer yet my dullness is not able to declare nor explain in a few words a subject which is so important to explain well and because I suffer so much myself I have compassion on those who begin to practice prayer by using only books for there is a wonderful difference between what we draw from them and what we learn afterwards by experience but to return now to what I was saying let us begin by considering some part of our savior's passion as for example his being bound to the pillar let the understanding search out the causes which produce those immense sorrows and pains which his majesty endured in that affliction and so on with regard to other points and if the understanding know how to meditate or the person be learned he may draw many lessons from such a subject this is a method of prayer in which everyone may both begin and proceed and make an end and it will be a very excellent and secure way till our lord shall be pleased to raise them to other supernatural things I say everyone though there may be many souls who will gain more profit by other meditations than from the sacred passion for as there are many mansions in heaven so also there are many ways thither some persons profit by meditating on hell and others by considering the joys of heaven and others by thinking on death and others again if they be tender hearted grieve too much to disturb their mind if they are always meditating on the passion while they are more consoled and profit more by considering the power and greatness of God in his creatures and the love he bears us which is manifested to us in everything this is an admirable way of proceeding though at the same time we must not forget frequently to meditate on the life and passion of Christ this being the source when all our good is to come a beginner should consider what he gains most by and for this purpose it is very necessary to have a director if he can meet with an experienced man if he be not experienced he may commit many errors and guide a soul without understanding her or allowing her to understand herself for as the beginner knows how very meritorious it is to subject oneself to a director so he will not dare to depart from what he shall command I have met with some persons who were afflicted and placed in difficulties because he who was their guide and instructor had no experience and I was very sorry for them others also I have seen who knew not what to do with themselves for not understanding spiritual matters they afflict themselves both in body and soul and prevent any advancement in prayer a person once told me she had a director who for 8 years would not allow her to pass from the consideration of herself and yet our Lord had already raised her to the prayer of quiet and thus she had great trouble and though this consideration of oneself ought never to be omitted nor should any soul given to prayer think herself so strong as not often to stand in need of becoming a child this must never be forgotten and perhaps I shall speak more about it because it is very important and also because there is no degree of prayer so high in which it will not be necessary to return again to the first principles and this knowledge of ourselves and of our sins is the bread with which all our meals ought to be eaten in this road of prayer for however sumptuous these meals may be they cannot nourish us without we have this bread this however must be taken as it were by weight and measure for when a soul sees herself already humble and is deeply persuaded she is good for nothing and blushes to behold herself in the presence of so great a king and sees how little she repays him for all she is indebted to him what necessity is there to spend so much time upon this point without applying ourselves to other subjects which our Lord may place before us and which it would not be proper for us to omit our Lord knows better than we do what is proper for us to feed on hence it is very important for the director to be skillful I mean of good understanding and also experienced and if he be learned in addition to this it will be a very great advantage should however these three conditions not be found united together the first two will prove more useful and important than the third because we may easily consult learned men whenever we have occasion but learned directors if they be not experienced in prayer can be of little use to beginners do not say we should not confer with such men for I myself would prefer to consult a learned confessor who did not practice prayer than a man of prayer who was not learned for the latter could not guide me in the truth learning is very necessary since it instructs us who know but little and gives us light and when we come near the truths of holy scripture then we do what we ought but as for silly and foolish devotions may our Lord deliver us from them I wish to explain myself more for I think I say too many things at once but this was always my fault not to be understood as I have before remarked except at the expense of many words a nun for example begins to practice prayer and if some simple man should direct her he will capriciously give her to understand that it is better to obey him than her superior and this he does without any malice but simply because he thinks he is in the right and being a religious she thinks that what he says must be correct if the person be married he will tell her that it is better to apply herself to prayer during the time when she ought to be engaged about her household work even though she should displease her husband thereby hence she knows not how to dispose of her time or of her business that so all may go on in order as not like himself he cannot give it to others though he may desire to do so for this purpose learning may not seem so necessary but my opinion is and always has been that all Christians should endeavor to consult with learned men about their souls and they often are so much the better those who walk along the road of prayer have greater need than others to meet with such men and the more spiritual they are the better it will be for them that people deceive themselves by saying that learned men not accustomed to prayer are not fit directors for those who practice it I have had occasion to consult many and for the last few years more than usual because I had a greater need of them I have always been very friendly with learned men for though some of them have no experience yet they do not dislike spiritual persons nor are they ignorant of spiritual matters because in the holy scriptures they study they always find these matters are not without some truth I am convinced that a person given to prayer if she take the advice of learned directors will never be deceived by the illusions of the devil unless she wished to deceive herself I believe the devil is exceedingly afraid of learning provided it be accompanied with humility and other virtues for he knows he will be discovered and will suffer loss I have said thus much because some think that learned men are not fit for persons given to prayer unless they also be spiritual men I have already said that it is necessary to have a spiritual director and if he be not learned great inconvenience may arise and yet it will help us much to treat with learned men provided they be virtuous for though they may not be spiritual they will benefit us and God will give them to understand what to teach us and even make them spiritual that so they may advance us in virtue I do not mention this without having some experience of it for I have met with more than two such directors I say therefore that if a person give herself up entirely to the will of one single confessor she will commit a great error unless she endeavor to find one who is learned also and especially if the individual be a man belonging to some religious order he may be subject to his superior who perhaps might want all the three qualities mentioned above this would be no little cross to him and besides he might be submitting his understanding to the will of one who had not a good understanding himself I at least could never prevail on myself to do this neither did I think it proper but if the person should be a secular let him beg of God that he may choose a man to whom he will subject himself and not lose this virtuous liberty he might even remain for a time without any director till he find a fit one for our Lord will certainly give him such a one if he become deeply grounded in humility and has a desire to make a proper choice I myself admire such a director exceedingly and both men and women who are not learned should always give great thanks to God that there are some who with such pains have found out the truth that they, being unlearned are ignorant I am often astonished in considering with what trouble learned men especially those in a religious order have acquired that which is so advantageous to me and which I learn without any trouble except that of asking them and can anyone be unwilling to benefit himself by it? God forbid I see these persons subject themselves to the mortifications of the religious life which are great to penances, to poor diet to obedience, to want of sleep I see that everything is a mortification everything across and sometimes the thought thereof throws me into some confusion and I think what a great evil it would be for anyone to lose such a benefit by his own fault and there may be some amongst ourselves who are free from these austerities or at least if we feed upon them we have them well dressed as the expression is and we live at our ease but because we give a little more time to prayer we may fancy that we excel those who are accustomed to such great austerities Blessed be thou, O Lord, who has made me so useless and incapable of good yet I praise thee most sincerely because thou hast raised up so many to excite us to virtue we should therefore continually offer up our prayers for those who give us light for what we do without them and miss such terrible tempest as the church is now in if some men have been wicked the good shall shine the brighter may our Lord hold them by his hand and help them that so they may help us Amen I have digress from what I first intended to say but all is useful for beginners who commence this sublime way of prayer in such manner that they may see themselves placed in the true road of salvation to return then to what I was saying about thinking of Christ bound to the pillar it is good to discourse a while and meditate on the pains he endured there and why he endured them and who it is that endured them and also to consider the love wherewith he bore them but we should not weary ourselves with seeking out these reasons but only dwell upon them with a calm understanding if possible we should employ ourselves in considering who looks upon us and we should accompany him and pray to him and humble ourselves before him and regal ourselves with him remembering that our Lord deserved not to be there whenever we are able to do this though it should be at the very commencement of our prayer we shall find great benefit from it indeed many benefits are gained by this kind of prayer at least my soul found it so I know not if what I have said be correct your reverence will consider this but may our Lord be pleased that I may not fail in always pleasing him. Amen End of Chapter 13 Chapter 14 of the life of Saint Teresa this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Ann Boulet The life of Saint Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the reverence on Dalton Chapter 14 the saint begins to explain the second degree of prayer having already mentioned with what labor this garden is to be watered and what strength is required to draw the water from the well I will now explain the second way of drawing up the water for the master of the garden wishes that by the means of the wheel and buckets the gardener may be able to draw more water with less trouble and may also be able to take a little rest without being continually obliged to be at work now this method when applied to prayer which is called the prayer of quiet is what I wish to speak upon here the soul begins to be recollected and to touch upon the supernatural for it is impossible she can acquire this gift by her own power it is true that sometimes she may grow weary in turning around the wheel working with the understanding and filling the buckets but as the water is higher in this second way she has less labor than she had in drawing the water out of the well I say the water is nearer to her because grace is given to her to know herself more clearly this is done by collecting within herself all her faculties that so she may enjoy the divine sweetness of her pleasure these however do not remain dormant nor are they lost the will alone is occupied in such a way that she is taken captive without knowing how and only gives her consent that God may hold her in captivity as one who knows well what it is to be a captive of him whom she loves oh Jesus my lord how powerful is your love since it holds our love so fast bound as not to give us instant the liberty of loving any person or thing but you the other two faculties assist the will that so she may be capable of enjoying so great a good although sometimes it happens that even when united with the will they are a great hindrance to it but in this case the will must not disturb herself but remain in her quiet and pleasure for if the soul be anxious to recollect all her faculties both she and they will lose the good they might otherwise gain they are like pigeons which not being content with the food the owner gives them from the pigeon house without their laboring for it go and seek some elsewhere but finding it not good they soon return and thus they come and go to see if the will might give them any part of that which it enjoys and if our lord should be pleased to cast them some food they stay if not they go away again to seek for it it is thus that these faculties act with regard to the will thinking they are of some use to it but sometimes the memory and imagination injure it by wishing to represent to it the happiness it enjoys let the will then act towards them in the way I shall mention afterwards whatever happens in the prayer of quiet is accompanied with very great consolations and gives so little trouble that however long it may last it never tires the soul because the understanding only acts at intervals though it draws much more water than it drew from the well the tears which God gives it then are tears of joy which though we feel we procure not this water the source of great blessings and favors which our lord gives us therein make our virtues increase incomparably more than in the first degree of prayer because the soul now begins to rise out of her misery and have some small glimpse of the joys of eternal glory and this I think makes her increase the more in virtue because she approaches nearer to that true power once all virtues come that is God then his majesty begins to communicate himself to this soul and he wishes her to feel how he communicates himself when she has arrived at this point she immediately begins to lose all appetite for the things of this world and to despise them because she sees clearly that even one moment of these pleasures cannot be purchased here below and that no riches nor dominions nor honors nor delights are capable of giving such pleasures even for one instant because the pleasures are true and we feel they satisfy us with regard to the pleasures of the world it seems even a wonder to me that we can tell in what their enjoyment is because yes and no are never wanting but in other pleasures everything is yes all the time no comes in afterwards for then she sees that the matter has come to an end and that she cannot recover it again nor does she know how and though she should almost kill herself with doing penance and praying and using all other means yet all would be of little use unless our lord was pleased to grant the favor but god for the sake of his greatness is pleased this soul should now understand that his majesty being so very near her there is no need of sending any messengers to her but only for she herself to speak with him though not by word of mouth because being so near her he understands her even by the very movement of her lips it may appear unnecessary for me to speak in this manner that our lord always hears us and is always with us there can be no doubt of this truth but our lord and emperor wishes we should here understand that he knows us and that we should feel the effects of his presence that he particularly wishes to begin to work in our soul by giving her a great interior and exterior satisfaction and by showing her the difference there is as I have declared between those heavenly delights and the pleasures of the world for the former seem to fill up the void which our sins have made in the soul and this satisfaction resides in the most intimate part of the soul and she knows not whence nor how it has come and often she knows not what to do nor what to desire nor what to ask for therein she seems to find all good things united together though she knows not what she has found nor do I know how to make her state understood for many things learning would be necessary in order to make those who are ignorant understand that there are general helps in particular helps and that by the latter our lord wishes the soul to see him almost as it were with her own eyes and to see many other things also which cannot be properly expressed by me but as proper persons are to see what I write and to examine if there be any errors in it I do not feel so uneasy because it will go into the hands of those who will understand the matter and who will blot out whatever has been incorrectly expressed and I know that through want of learning and piety I may easily be found fault with I wish however to explain myself because the soul to whom God begins to show these favors as soon as she applies herself to prayer does not understand them nor does she know what to do with herself should conduct her along the path of fear as he has conducted me she will experience great affliction unless she meet with someone who can understand her then her joy will be abundant to see herself well described and she will know clearly that she is walking along the right road it is also a great blessing to know what one ought to do in each of these degrees that so we may go on with profit for I myself suffered much and lost a great deal of time because I knew not what to do I have therefore great compassion for those souls who find themselves alone when they have arrived at this point for though I have read many spiritual books which treat on this subject yet it is explained in a very obscure manner and hence unless the soul be properly exercised in prayer she will find it difficult to understand them though they may explain the point at some length I am very desirous our lord would grant me the favor to relate the effects which are produced in the soul by these things when they begin to be supernatural that so she may know when these effects come from the spirit of God when I say that she may know I mean as far as we can understand in this world though we shall always do well to walk on with fear and circumspection for though these effects come from God yet sometimes the devil can transform himself into an angel of light and if a soul be not well acquainted with prayer she will not understand this strategy indeed to understand it properly she must have arrived at the highest degree of prayer the little time I have to spare gives me but little help and therefore it is necessary for his majesty himself to assist me for I must be engaged with the community besides being occupied with many other things I am also at present living in a house which has just commenced as I shall afterwards mention I am writing therefore without having any repose and only by little and little but I wish I had more leisure for when our lord helps us by his grace to do a thing it is always done better and with more facility for then it seems as if we had a pattern before our eyes which we have only to follow but when the divine spirit is not with us then we no more understand this language than if it were gibberish as the expression is although we may have spent many years in prayer hence it seems a very great advantage for me to be in prayer when I write for then I see clearly it is not I who speaks nor does my understanding direct me so that after I have written I could not tell how I wrote this has happened several times let us now return to our garden and consider how these trees give the bud and flower that afterwards they may give fruit and how the pinks and other flowers bloom and diffuse a sweet smell this comparison pleases me much for often in my beginnings I mean at the commencement of my life as I shall mention afterwards and may our lord grant that now I may have begun to serve his majesty it was a great delight for me to consider my soul as a garden in which our lord walked up and down I besought him to increase the odor of those little flowers of virtue which seemed wishful to bud that so they might contribute to his honor and glory and that he would support them since I desired nothing for myself and would prune them as he pleased for I already knew they would grow the better afterwards I said I besought him to prune them because at certain periods the soul has no remembrance of this garden but everything seems to be so withered as if no water would come anymore to refresh it and as if there never had been any virtue at all in the soul thus she suffers much affliction because our lord wishes the poor gardener to think that all the care is lost which he had employed in watering and taking care of his garden then however is the time truly to cut up by the root those small weeds which had hitherto remained in the soul by making us understand that no diligence of hours will avail if God take away from us the water of his grace that so we may not esteem our nothingness or rather our less than nothingness hereby great humility is gained and the flowers bloom with fresh beauty oh thou my lord and sovereign good and I know not how to utter these words without tears and without feeling great pleasure in my soul how desirous thou art to be thus amongst us and thou art also in the blessed sacrament which may most truly be believed because thou hast said so and with great truth also we can make this comparison for if no fault on our part prevent us we can enjoy ourselves with thee and thou art likewise pleased to be with us since thou hast said my delight is to be with the children of men oh my lord what mean these words whenever I hear them there should be great consolation and so it was even when I was very wicked is it possible oh lord there should be any soul which after having received such favors and blessings from you and having understood it was your delight to be with her should again offend you after all these favors and so many great proofs of the love you bear her as to leave no doubt it is so since it is manifest by the effects it is certain there is such a soul who has offended you not once but often and this is myself I beseech your goodness oh lord that I may be the only soul who has been guilty of such base wickedness and such excessive ingratitude though even from this my wickedness thy infinite goodness has been able to draw some advantage and the greater my misery was the more has the greatness of thy mercy shown forth for the reasons then have I not to celebrate those mercies forever I beseech thee oh my lord that it may be so that I may sing thy praises forever since now thou has been pleased to show such very great favors to me that those who see them are amazed and often they carry me quite out of myself were I to be without you oh my lord I should be fit for nothing but to behold the flowers of this garden become withered in such a way that this miserable body of mine would be again turned into a dung hill as it was formerly but in order that I may praise thee the better do not permit oh lord this soul to be lost which thou has purchased with so many labors and which thou has so often repurchased again and again and has saved from the teeth of the terrible dragon I trust your reverence will pardon me for thus wandering from the subject may not wonder at it for it happens so according to the nature of the reflections the soul makes when I write hence it is sometimes very difficult to forbear breaking out into praises of God when as I am writing all that I owe him are represented to me and I believe this will not be displeasing to your reverence for it seems to me that we may both chant one song though in a different manner for I owe much more to God than you do pardon me more sins as your reverence knows well End of Chapter 14