 Good morning, Hank. It's Tuesday. If there's one thing I've learned from 104-year-old Elizabeth Sullivan, it's that if you want to have a long and happy life, drink Dr. Pepper. This stuff is good. It's got sugar in it. And three, two doctors have told me that if I drink it, I will die, but they died first. So today I'm going to be blind test-tasting Dr. Pepper, diet Dr. Pepper, and three meaningless knockoffs. Hold on, actually. You know what? I have to go vote. And I have voted and implore you to do the same. All right, let's taste a real one and some fake ones. You know what it tastes like? It tastes kind of like if Dr. Pepper were John Coltrane's of love Supreme. This would be... I can also blow into a saxophone. All right, on to number two. That is diet Dr. Pepper. It's not sweet. I guess there's like a tiny chance it's the whole foods diet Dr. Pepper, like the Zevia Dr. Pepper, but I'm almost positive that's diet Dr. Pepper. So I'm going to try the third one now. Oh boy. Holy crap, that's bad. Wow. That makes the first one taste like a love Supreme. Wow. Jesus Christ. That's worse than water. It tastes way too cherry. The thing you have to understand about Dr. Pepper is that Dr. Pepper was invented by Charles Alderton, who was a chemist. This is essential to understanding what makes Dr. Pepper interesting. It was the product of a chemist. And the chemist wasn't trying to make a soda that tasted like lemon lime or like citrus. He was trying to make a soda that tasted like the soda fountain at the Waco Pharmacy smelled. He wanted it in its essence to be artificial. This tastes like it is going for a taste, which is all wrong. Like you don't want to go for cherry or go for cola or go for sassafras roots and have a root beer. You want to go for the way the human heart wants a soda to taste. By the way, if that's Dr. Pepper, I retire. I retire from public life. I walk away. I do something else with the rest of my life. Let's go to number four. Oh, I feel even more confident now. It's so bad. Jesus Christ. Mmm. I'm... I mean, I guess it could be Mr. Pib. I'm gonna go back to taste number one. I'm like 80, 90% sure that's Dr. Pepper. The complexity. It reminds me of Whitman's Leaves of Grass. Do I contradict myself very well? Then I contradict myself. I contain multitudes. That contains multitudes. Hold on. I want to compare what I think is Diet Dr. Pepper. Make sure that I'm right. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's gotta be it, right? Those are like the same cord played at a different octave, you know? Part of what makes Diet Dr. Pepper so magical. Like, for a long time, their catchphrase was, it tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper, which it really does, because like, if I'm right, hold on. Let me... You know what? Before I start talking a big game, I should taste the fifth one. It's not bad. I just feel like I've been so confident and somewhat cavalier, and now I'm starting to second-guess myself. Like, I think... I think... That is Diet Dr. Pepper. That is very sugary, and it has some layers, but it's not Dr. Pepper, I don't think. It has a similar problem to the first one, which is that there's plenty of sugar, there's plenty of sweetness, but there isn't that multitudinousness. Now I'm getting nervous. I know what Diet Dr. Pepper and Dr. Pepper taste like. Okay, John, one more time. That is Diet Dr. Pepper. Please God be Diet Dr. Pepper. I'm going to be in so much trouble if you're not. Yes! Yes! Okay, then this is 100% Dr. Pepper. Yes! Oh, thank goodness. The remaining three, it doesn't actually matter to me that much, because they're not Dr. Pepper. That's the important thing. I'm going to guess that the really, really bad one is the whole foods, Dr. Pepper. It almost tastes like cough syrup, to be honest with you. Yes! So I think this is the Kroger one, Dr. K, because it's better. And in my experience anyway, store-brand knockoffs are actually better than like Coke or Pepsi knockoffs. Dr. K... Oh! Mr. Pib! They call it Spicy Cherry Soda. Well, I'll tell you one thing that it's not spicy. Now, I know what you're wondering, Hank. John, how are you going to turn this into a sock commercial? Don't you worry, you're pretty little face. So Dr. Zeevy is like ugly socks that get holes quickly that also have like uncomfortable seams. Then we have like cool-ish socks that just get holes in them really fast, so they don't turn out to be that cheap because you can't wear them that many times. Then for me, the Mr. Pib of socks is like fancy socks, like these socks are supposed to be for working out and they have all of these bells and whistles, but the thing is I prefer to work out in my awesome sock socks because they're just more comfortable. Then we come to the Dr. Pepper of socks, the awesome socks. These socks are perfect and 100% of the proceeds go to charity. That actually is a distinct difference between our company and Dr. Pepper. I know you're wondering, but John, what is the diet Dr. Pepper of socks? Well, I'll tell you our new ankle socks, which I don't have with me because we just started making them. So whether you like ankle socks or regular socks, awesomesocks.club, link in the doobly-doo. Hank, I will see you on Friday.