 If my apartment's smelly My plants are ready Always stinking of cheese Like the star of the delis Not talking raps But my bars are heavy Made more profit off of drugs Than Martin Shkreli If you want some weed I'll be in the spotlight Oxy cream Seen more bars than a slot machine Behind the scenes Off the screen No special effects But there's a lot of scenes Shot in green I've got the ring I'm disrespectful Let's go I'm the type of nigga When you sneeze I say fuck you Don't flop all fucking day We are back here in Birmingham For the first time in the last five years About our number one Of the day North vs South Volume number three Heron Hounds Make some fucking noise Let's go It's been a couple of cancellations Everyone's feeling a bit shit We're about to get the mood changed Everyone's going to be on it up From this moment onwards I cannot wait I'm introducing Team North As my fucking big bro Briggs He's unfortunately in hospital Get well soon my brother MC on my right Handside Team North From Liverpool My man Jay Dillon Make some noise Left hand side Representing Team South Please make some noise For Mr Tongue Twister One of the event of my man Jay Dillon Let's go Hey Mr Tongue Twister Been gone some time None, mister Hold your tongue twister We're having fun, twister It's your comeback special You went away weird And you've come back special You get a medal You're bumped into Danny Jack In London A month back He had a chat about your comeback He said fuck that He tried to walk away Your big comeback Some fun facts He works in customer services Tongue Twister here But there he's Chris Through the week he's working Chris Weekend Larry Chris Monday morning sharing Chris He'll tell you what he did Tell you how many shots he did And how many sluts he copped off with As a boss he's the best in the company He gets the job done And he's good company I get comfy with a beer And a powerful joint You kick back with a laptop And make power points When it turns sour, boy It turns sour at the insurance firm He grabbed the secretary's tits To ensure they're firm Thrived you, nulled He blamed her short skirts When he talks work He's a bit of a twat He says things like Will do, ace up You agreed with your boss When he said he hates rap And he did a wiki-wiki And it made you laugh The face facts The colleagues say Chris is a wanker The assistant to the manager Who thinks he's dapper Dropping hints he's a rapper And moving drugs, suit and slugs But at work it's who wants a group hug The group shrugs Who use my mug It's communal love The dude loves the office banter He's got it sewn up saying Oh no, who brought the donuts? Then he phones up the sketch From Human Resources The one who sniffs kettle Like Humans Resources The one who's trying to flirt At the water cooler Saying keep your caffeine girls Water's cooler Chris, you're a loser But you think you're bad and heavy Going Frankie and Benny's With the HR bitches Angie and Jenny And then he talks footy With Andy and Terry You look like Peter Crouch If Peter Crouched That's exactly how he would sound Leave it out There's something we need to speak about Each verse You'll hear at least one bad bar Come out of this geezer's mouth That's how I know you're a faggot Cos he doesn't reach around Hey And according to Brigzy You're Mr. Originality No, he isn't actually Cos you said Cos you said Petrofile That's been said Euthanasia Euthanasia That's been said Selfridges Selfridges That's been said You even said Your delivery's like a fortnight It's two a week Dickhead See, I can sum you up You are Harry Baker Minus the calculator You are Mark Grist That he didn't teach classes And wasn't an educator You are Adam the rapper If he wasn't rapping You are Most probably He didn't compose songs And just wrote blogs You are Tony D If he didn't do poetry Or wasn't a decent writer You are Shonda Rhimes If she was shiter And even whiter It's all your battle with Petro And in my opinion You lost it, right? But some said you won And I was surprised Cos I thought you were Proper shite Cos you shut your rhymes When you drop your rhymes The irony You battled Petro And robbed him Blind See during these rounds He always has closed lids When his bloke spits I could go to the bar Get some cold drinks Go outside Smoke spliffs Go to the toilet Go for a slow piss Come back He's still be rapping And won't even know this See Dylan said Him winning this summer And he can't doubt I could beat him with my eyes closed You're taking it too far See me I talk to the crowd Look at him And keep the people out Then I look you dead in your eyes And have you peeing in your pants You always have your eyes shut So you're decreasing in the ranks Cos if you close the window to your soul We can't see you as the champ He talked about my eyes Thanks mate I've got glaucoma And that's bad taste About the double meanings The homonyms Well that just lets me see the homonym I said I don't care what I don't care what channel you cruise on You're a bunch of dry squares Crutons I said move on Donzo You might have had a buzz But it's gone though You need to filter your shit You need a bomb bro You think he's weak You're wrong though He's always strapped with the long nose But I'll John Doe this person Catch a body for certain We could talk about your diss trap Nobody's heard it My verses have the right feel My rhymes make the highlight real You're a vampire with the twilight feel Your name is Chris Or it might be Neil You might feel that Twister's the worst I said I wouldn't battle him They twisted my words I said it hurts to say Twister No one vote for you Theresa May Twister It's not your day Twister I've got rounds on deck I don't play Twister I said my brain works quicker With the wisdom of Yoda I've got more jokes than Homer's sofa I've not got coke But I've got cola Your mom's tattoos The logo for Gola Twister's a snake Who ordered a cobra Twister's boring Who ordered a coma I said I'm prone to insomnia I can't stop the noise I've got annoyed I've got some kush from the drop-off boys I put your battle on and I dropped off boy He got paranoid from conspiracies The mysteries Illuminati The military The imagery Who's really writing for Little T You feel Little T He said listen to me To distract from the aliens The government gave me aids again It's not your day my friend Let's get personal Your girl's in charge Angela Merkel Stay in your shell You're not a hero turtle You can't come back You're not kidverbal Your life's going in circles You're a twister No, you're a jable I said it's hurtful His social life's not a good one I found him outside Trying to sell his plus one He puts on a brave face He puts on a brave face But in reality it's Dear diary I'm so lonely Why does no one phone me I thought I had homies Brian, Mike and Tony You know me I've been training for this one Dribbling round cones You've been just getting stoned Dribbling round cones He's alone Of all the rappers in here He's the wackest in here The battle's risk assessment Has come back clear It is clear that he's salty Because he's not improving While I say lying I drop solutions He said my nose is big Ooh, that is just peak But it's an obvious angle So this dude's rapping is weak And talking about obvious angles I should headbutt you For that shit that you actually speak But I'd be worried that my giant nose Will get stuck in that huge gap in your teeth You could get beaten Even if we weren't in a town In Birmingham now You would get beaten Even if we weren't in Hirsham Or weren't in the south Even in the north You'd still get burnt to the ground In the middle of the Liverpool You'd still get served in your house This will be J Dylan vs Wade Wilson When I murdered his scouts Because I'm a dead pool When I'm a merc with a mouth Now Now It feels like I've been buying new drinks all night And I'm sozzy 8-3 But that last round was mine And the cost was crazy It's a pub crawl Vodka, Baileys, Fosters, maybe Nah, I just been going Bar after bar Taking shots at JD Now you've got to pay me Hold on Hold on, stop Wait, freeze Now concentrate please I said I'm taking shots at JD Like that Dr. Dreby So is it J Dylan or JD Well, I guess that's close enough I've got JD bars Like Weber spoons Yeah, you know the pubs I'll put JD on the floor Like I'm mourning the death Of my closest fugs From a heavy dose of drugs I've got more JD put down Than an episode of Scrubs Or The in-betweeners Because there's plenty of bullshit That this fool's bound to say And if anything bad happens It's all down to J Hey, I just called out your name And it all sounds okay But if this is the in-betweeners I'm Simon Because I got balls out on stage If you were to say You plagiarist It's because your right hand Cheated on your left hand You plagiarist See, every page of his Is plagued with this Take a pic Takes the piss Basic shit Makes me sick Makes me want to go into a rage And switch A major swing But even if JD blocks There's no way I'll miss that face of his They'll ask why He's in for a rough ride When I aim my fist For JD kiss And they're like Breach Those who can Do Those who can't Reach In-betweeners Thinking you're deep, bro That's just a weak version Of the peep show And I'm a northern star I was born for the part Never bore the bars I'm poor McGraw You're getting torn apart By the rhyming Here's where the north And south is divided You pay a thousand Pound for the round of ciders You don't welcome outsiders And you make blogs About house prices But no doubt You like it You said that it's awesome You can say I'm not northern I've never been to Hirsham But I know that it's boring It's a warning Here's where you lose To the north again You need a uniform For the war for your men And the captain's Danny Jack And he's in George for men You've been talking Again about your new life You just moved to London That's cool, guy You've got the free buses The Uber Boris' new bike So I don't want to hear About the tube strikes Too right North and south As the judges The outcome They point to the north Like a compass When it comes to stationery I find angles with the protractors You're from the sticks And you're protractors You're a hopeless wrapper Nobody's feeling it You're a hopeless wrapper Nobody's feeding you I only came to Brom To meet Jamelia I said I'm washing you And bitting me clean in you Shout out to devil man I'll burst your bubble I'm on a spirit level, man He's in heaven And he's living the dream In Hirsham Working hard Earning money Giving her some He can't have kids So he's looking after her some Sometimes he wants to hurt him I said he's an outdoors person As a boy He was a boy scout Boy it was good No booze or drugs Or footy or pubs No getting high Watching boys in the hood He was getting weird With some boys in the woods I said I'm destroying this cunt Employee of the month You're in the hotspot I jump over square As a hopscotch My style's a mishmash A hopscotch Hopspot Up north it's all ketamine And hot pop You lost the don't flops Number one scott You lost the don't flops Number one scott Evil And you stopped drugs You said he beat evil But tongue lied Tongue tried But at best tongue tied But he lives the good life He's never been sporty But his car was Highlight of the week Was the car wash You're not vibes cartel With the Clarkson You're getting hard Watching Top Gear for Clarkson Right From the start I'm gonna be harsh You're front teeth Proper apart Looks like one of them Wounded off far You've got a bigger gap In your mouth than an Ogbios bar I know that's an obvious part But If we were to have a competition On insizers Insizes You win prizes And judging by the Width and wideness And how big your bit is I'd be a bit surprised If you didn't need windscreen wipers For your ginger biters Here's the richest white kid So his life has never been hard He's always been bought The things that we can't He was born with a silver spoon In his mouth Oh wait It's all coming together now But your teeth aren't Your teeth aren't I'm sorry Jay But your teeth are a horrid shape And in a wonky place On your face It's sort of like something Brian Cox would say Because your mouth A lot of space See It's that big black hole I'm dissing Close your lips It's so convincing No it isn't Hold on listen So much space in his mouth He's got his own molar system But you'll never get me You'll never get meat stuck In fact I bet you can eat stuff With your teeth sharp Like a pizza If you were going to say You're going to be on TV I'd say less of a wild guest Jeremy Carl guest You should definitely smile less See right The left tooth Hates the right tooth Like get away from me The right tooth Is in the right mood And can't wait to leave And now what a divorce court For separation fees Will the fight for custody Of the baby teeth Now The left tooth Said it's time to leave him Such a gap This kind of even A line between them And if you look close enough You might just see them Having a fight this evening Well the right one's giving The left one the silent treatment