 For the safety of your smile use pepsidon twice a day see your dentist twice a year Lever Brothers Company presents the pepsidon show my friend Irma created by Cy Howard and starring Marie Wilson as Irma with Joan Banks as Jane Friendship, friendship, just a perfect landship when other friendships have been forgot, theirs will still be hot Others are wonderful people and mine is the darling of them all if you'll permit her daughter to say so You see I just received a package from her with six jars of my favorite blueberry preserves When mother vacuum packs those berries I don't care how long they stay in the jar When you open them they're as young and sweet as the day they were first picked Which reminds me of my roommate Irma Peterson That pretty head of hers must also be a vacuum because although she is 24 years old her brain is still as young and sweet as the day she was born Now don't get me wrong I love her I wouldn't know what to do with other It's just that there are times when well the other day for instance I was reading the paper about the heavy plane traffic at LaGuardia Field and I said Irma Yes Jane It says here that a plane takes off and lands every two minutes isn't that terrific Two minutes that's silly where can anyone go on such a short trip See what I mean Well today is Saturday and we usually have the afternoon off But Irma hasn't come home yet and I can't understand it Oh well maybe her boss Mr. Clyde has her doing some extra work at the office Miss Peterson Yes sir That letter at the clover leaf aviation did you file it under C or L or A Under D Under D Miss Peterson that filing system of yours is Well maybe I'm crazy but I can't see how clover or leaf or aviation can fit under D Of course it does What do aviators do They fly And what kills flies DDT Oh no Mr. Clyde You certainly are Now would you mind getting the letter for me I need the information for my income tax report All right Thank you Miss Peterson I'd like to see our book on office expenditures Here you are Mr. Clyde Thank you let me see $640 for postage stamps and lifesavers Yes I always use them together What do you mean Well you see I can't stand the taste of glue so when I have to lick a stamp I put my tongue through the little hole in the lifesaver and the stamp doesn't taste so bad I have a friend in Washington maybe the government will flavor them for you Now this next item one electric fan $23 on fountain pen $15 Repair of same fountain pen $8 This I don't get Well you said you wanted your name on everything so I tried to write property of Mr. Clyde on the fountain pen But I forgot to shut it off first That explains the $28 for new wallpaper I suppose Oh no that was when you threw the inkwell at me because I painted your chair and you sat on it before I had a chance to tell you about it Oh no Are those things deductible Mr. Clyde No but I'm putting you down as a total loss Now let me see entertainment at employees party $120 and a grand for fixing the judge Ms. Peterson where did you get that a grand for fixing the judge I copied it right from this slip of paper you gave me Let me see that that's a pan for mixing the fudge Look Ms. Peterson before you get me put in jail do me one little favor Go home I think I've given you enough help Goodbye I expected you home early what kept you Well I was helping Mr. Clyde with his income tax Jane maybe we ought to do ours because the earlier you file the sooner you get your refund Say you've got something there maybe by doing it now we'll get the refund in time for our vacation Where's that little black book we keep a record of our expenses in Well here it is Let me see Irma what's this notation of $1.75 Oh that was for having the hem of my black silk dress lowered when the new look became popular Oh I see and this $1.50 the next day That was for shortening it again when Al told me it was a shame to hide such pretty legs Here's another $1.75 for the same dressmaker Oh well that was when my girlfriend Amber Lipscott told me not to pay any attention to Al So I had it lowered again And this $1.50 and $1.75 on the same day Well I went in the fashion magazine that skirts were being shortened So I had it shortened again Then I happened to see the date on the magazine was 1925 so I Yes I know Irma what's this $2 for Fringe Fringe Yes for the dress I got tired of it all so I cut off the sleeves and made it into a Spanish y'all for the piano Thank you Hattie Carnegie Come in It's only me Professor Kropatsky Hello Janie and Irma my two little darlings figuring out their income tags One with a blank in her hand the other with a blank in her head Well Kropatskin all the time with your little jokes Tell me girls how are you making out Well we just started but I'm having a little trouble with Irma's return She's got Al down as a medical deduction because I told her that every time I look at him he makes me sick Well I myself have a few deductions like entertainment in my room Entertainment in your room? Yes last year Mrs. O'Reilly bought me a second hand gas stove, a bathtub and an ice box So the first night the gas stove leaked and put me to sleep The bathtub had a crack in it and the water covered the floor The door and the ice box sprung open and froze the water And so it shouldn't be a total loss I've been ice skating How can you put that down as entertainment Mrs. O'Reilly came in she fell down and I laughed for half an hour Well you've got your troubles Professor but honestly I can't make head or tail of this form I'd better go in the bedroom where I can concentrate Excuse me Yeah I hope I get the same refund I got last year But I think the government took advantage of me Professor Do I look 65? 65 of course not Irma darling Well then why do I have to pay Social Security? You don't understand darling This is to take care of you after you're 65 Oh but I don't think that'll be necessary Why not? Well I think by that time Al may have a job I wouldn't bet on it Now if you'll excuse me Irma Mrs. O'Reilly wants me I should fix the lock on her trunk Maybe there's some way I can get her to hold the cover down from the inside Goodbye Happy that you got the raise What do you want to celebrate? You're so excited I can't understand what you're saying Get the sitter for the children and meet you in front of the Roxy Theater Well gee I'd like to but you have the wrong number A raise? Goodbye From tax returns I'll figure it out and I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed Oh Jane, you're back for my vacation? It's worse than that honey you owe $20 I owe them That's right sweetie Well there must be a mistake I never borrowed any money from them Look honey I've gone over it carefully and I'm sure that's what you owe Jane do you think I ought to pay it? Well yes sweetie Or they'll change your name to a number and you'll never remember who you are Now you sign your form while I run down to the corner and get something for dinner Let's see Two times eight is twelve Subtract no dependence It still leaves twelve Plus depreciation on furniture Come in Hiya chicken Chicken baby why so glum Oh it's my income tax I have to pay $20 $20? Yes just because they're putting a new balcony on the White House why should I have to pay for it? I'll never be invited Well personally I think it's a crime Especially when I was counting on borrowing that $20 to put across my new deal A new deal Al? Yeah it's poker chips made from pressed onions So when a guy comes home to his wife he can say his eyes are red Because he was crying all night at the bedside of a sick friend But Al I have to give the money to the government Oh they're entitled to it After the wonderful things women have done through history I think the least we can do is not tax them What do you mean Al? Well I think it's unfair You have a good argument to give Jane chicken Was it all in vain when Pocahontas saved the neck of Captain John Smith? Do we forget to sing the praises of Betsy Ross who sewed the stars and stripes? And what of Florence Nightingale and Martha Washington Who worked shoulder to shoulder with the father of our country You're right Al Take Joan of Arc or Barbara Fritchie who said Shoot if you must this old gray head but spare this flag Did all these famous women make their sacrifices Knowing that the women that followed in their footsteps Was going to get soaked $20 by the government on their income tax? No no You got to tell Jane to stay out of it And then I'll get a friend of Joe's to do your income tax return over again So you will not have to pay that $20 Alright Al I'll tell Jane everything you said And don't be scared of her Remember you're a human being too Oh Al you say the nicest thing I'll tell Jane it's unfair to women Good chicken we'll be back later Goodbye Was Alan such a hurry for he almost knocked me down in the hall Jane are you a woman? What? Then you've got a fine way of showing it Sweetie I have no idea what you're talking about Oh don't pretend Did Pocahontas carry this nation into bars While Betsy Ross sewed stars and stripes on John Smith? Did they shoot the gold gray head of Martha Washington So she would walk shoulder to shoulder with Barbara Fritchie? What are you babbling about? You know very well Did the father of our country neck with Joan of Arc Florence Nightingale sing? What? Oh never mind I'm leaving I'm doing what Al said What Al said? Yes I know he may have made some mistakes in his lifetime But this is the biggest thing he's ever done Peck peck sit in toothpaste Fight film on teeth And clean breath too Peck peck sit in toothpaste Pick his film on teeth the old skidoo Don't think that you are safe from film Run the tip of your tongue over your teeth If you feel a slippery coating You have film And you need pepsidant with earium to remove it For film is worse than you think Film collect stains that make your teeth look dull But remember pepsidant toothpaste removes film Makes your teeth look bright Film harbors germs that cause unpleasing breath True but pepsidant removes film Makes your breath fresh and clean Film glues acid to your teeth The very acid many dentists agree is the cause of tooth decay That's right But pepsidant toothpaste removes film And the acids it contains Film never lets up It forms continually on your teeth Yes, you have to fight film every day So brush your teeth twice a day with pepsidant toothpaste Because no other toothpaste Can duplicate pepsidant's film removing formula No other toothpaste contains earium Or pepsidant's gentle polishing agent So start now to fight film with pepsidant The toothpaste with an exclusive formula For removing film Cheer up sister and you too mister pepsidant The paste for you I'm going out of my mind Why? Because I have to do things the hard way I have to try to explain to Irma about income taxes And what makes me so angry is that I should know better Because I remember the time Irma came home With a pair of red fox furs That she'd bought from a man in a dark alley for five dollars And when I said Irma the paint isn't supposed to come off Genuine red fox furs Irma said Well the man who sold him to me explained that the foxes were wounded And the red stuff was macuracrone Then there was the time when the dentist told her He'd have to extract one of her eye teeth And Irma said I wish you wouldn't take my eye tooth I'd like to see what I'm eating See what I mean about common sense The same thing happened today when I tried to explain Why she must pay twenty dollars to the government on her income tax But she ran out in a huff and now I have no idea what she's up to Come in Hello Janie Oh hello Mrs O'Reilly Won't you sit down? Thank you Janie I'm a little bit worried about Irma Oh? She stopped in to see me about her income tax And I've never seen her so confused I gave her one of the donuts I just baked And when she opened the door to leave She handed me back the donut and said I'm sorry I broke your doorknob Yes Al told her she didn't have to pay any tax And she's trying to get out of it Well of course the tax is a problem to us Single girls So I hinted to the professor that married people Don't have to pay much tax And what did the professor say? Well he started to mutter something in his native tongue I thought it sounded like I'll think it over But then suddenly he started throwing things at me Well I think he's being silly Besides the companionship that he married you You could declare everything as community property I told him that But he says with my figure Everyone would move out of the community Well Mrs. O'Reilly You've got your hands full with the professor And I've got mine full with Irma Come in It's only me again I'm looking for the... Oh there you are Mrs. O'Reilly Yes And now that you found me Don't get coy with me Mrs. O'Reilly I'm telling you for the last time Either you tell Mrs. Horowitz next door to me To get rid of her television set Or you got to plaster up my walls What are you talking about? It is not easy to go to sleep When Anne Southern is looking on me and singing Come to me my Mel and call it a day Oh professor quit complaining Or I'll charge you extra rent for having a floor show Professor have you seen Irma? Yeah I saw her just before she went out She was muttering something about Betsy Ross Waving Barbara Fritchie out of a window She's still off on that kick Well I'd better go out and find her before it's too late No way Janey we'll go with you Come on Mrs. O'Reilly I'll take you to see Humphrey Bogart And knock on any door And this could never be the story of my life Because first I don't look like Humphrey Bogart And second I haven't got a door Good chicken With Jane out of the picture there's no one to interfere Now the first thing we do is tear up this form that Jane made out for you And the next thing we do is get in touch with this friend of Joe He knows more shortcuts with income tax forms Than a two story man being chased by the cops Oh that's swell Al but I hope we aren't doing anything dishonest By not paying the twenty dollars Chicken loopholes are put there for citizens to use See it's just like the unemployment office I could find a job But who am I to destroy a great American institution? You're so loyal But I feel so terrible about it What do you mean? They won't miss your twenty dollars? Well I understand there are a lot of dollar a year men down in Washington And I'd hate to put twenty of them out of work Chicken can only think of ourselves And there's only one thing to do Who are you calling Al? Who else but hello Joe Al got a problem Understand you have a man who's good on income tax What? He's very busy this time of year? Oh he also changes numbers on license plates See what you mean Joe but this is important Where can I reach him? Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh Thanks and so long Joe Well chicken we're all set Joe has given me the address of a guy And when he gets through with your income tax returns You won't know the government on nickel Oh Al it's wonderful where's his office? Uh his office? Well you see chicken he's a very busy man Always on the move Right now he's doing his work in the alley In back of a Chinese laundry That's a blind for a bookie joint But Al isn't a bookie a bad thing? Oh no no chicken it's a baby talk Just like a child says mommy for mom and daddy for dad They say bookie for book It's a kid's library Oh I understand now Sure well here chicken here's the address The guy's name is Frank Just tell him Joe sent you Look lady this is the fifth time you walk by Staring at me what's on your mind Well you look like the man my boyfriend described Except that you don't have a sailor suit Is your name Frank? Yeah I'm Frank but what goes with a sailor suit business Well I thought you'd be worrying one Because Al said you spent a lot of time up the river Look lady ain't got no time for jokes What do you want to see me about? Well Joe sent me I see want to be smuggled across the border No I came to see you about my income tax Oh pardon me got too many sidelines Let's see got a few tax forms right with me Just write your name here fill in the amount of your income Leave the rest to me Alright my girlfriend Jane figured it out once today But once she got through I was going to owe the government 20 dollars do you think I'll have to pay them anything When you make it out? Lady when I get through filling this form out for you They will probably put you on a pension for the rest of your life Now let's see item number one section one Oh Jane chicken bucket Al I want to talk to you where is Irma? Did not think she should pay the tax So I sent her to see a guy who is an expert in his field A CPA CPA? If he's a friend of yours it probably stands for Certified Public Assassin Now take it easy Jane Frank happens to be a friend of Joe Oh that's even worse Al if you've gotten that girl Mixed up with anything illegal believe me I'll uh Hello Jane Al honey Well chicken did Frank take care of your income tax problem? Yes he made it out in duplicate and he's filed the original And I have the copy right here in this envelope Hey you see chicken I saved you 20 bucks Yes Alan and he only charged me $35 for making it out Yipe Oh Irma $35 Well I thought it was kind of high at first two Jane But Frank explained it to me and it really doesn't cost me that much in the end Oh this I gotta hear How did Frank explain it? He said I'd have to pay $20 but by paying him $35 I don't lose so much Oh you see 25 from 35 is 15 And 15 from the 20 is only $5 that I actually lose That's right isn't it? Irma let me see that form Here it is Charity deduction $15 for French relief $10 for starving Albanians And $26 for miscellaneous Irma what's that? Well if the Albanians need help I guess the miscellaneous need it too And what is this? Oh no Al brace yourself Irma has put you down as a dependent A dependent? Chicken I'm ruined When the unemployment office hears about this they'll cut off my source of income How could you do this to me? But Al we almost make sacrifices like you said When Betsy Ross went to Washington with Joan of Arc to buy a nightingale for John Smith Don't think that you are safe from film Nearly everyone has it Just run your tongue over your teeth If you feel a slippery coating that's film And you'd better get pepsidon toothpaste to remove it For film collect stains that make teeth look dull It harbors germs that cause unpleasing breath Film glues acid to your teeth The very acid that many dentists agree is the cause of tooth decay And remember film never lets up So brush your teeth twice a day with film removing pepsidon No other toothpaste can duplicate pepsidon's film removing formula Get pepsidon with Iriam today Pepsidon toothpaste fights film on teeth And cleans rap dude Pepsidon toothpaste is film on teeth I don't know They say that fools and babies are protected from harm by a guardian angel And it must be true Because the tax office called up the following day And told Irma that she would have to make her returns over again As they were destroying the one she sent in Because it was made out on a 1942 tax form And with her luck still holding out She was able to stop payment on the check she gave to Frank Right now we're getting ready for bed And Irma? Oh Irma's quite smug about the whole thing Irma, what are you doing with that pad and pencil? I'm sending in my 1949 tax returns now Because they say taxes are going up And I want to pay mine while prices are down Well you know prices can fall and go down But me, I'm always up in the air Because I live with my friend Irma My friend Irma is produced and directed by Cy Howard Park Levy writes the script with Stanley Adams and Roland McClain And it is brought to you by Pepsidon toothpaste with Iriam Another fine product of Lever Brothers Company Marie Wilson is starred as Irma with Joan Banks as Jane The part of Al was played by John Brown Hans Conweed was heard as Professor Kropotkin And Gloria Gordon as Mrs O'Reilly Music was under the direction of Lud Glaskin Calamity on the campus They had met just outside the library and she was saying to him I have thought it over Jimmy, but I'm going to be busy That's what she said, what she was thinking Oh Jimmy, you could be such a nice guy But nobody likes you with film on your teeth Jimmy ought to remember, and you should too That film makes your teeth look dull It breeds bad breath, glues acid to your teeth And film never lets up So fight it with film removing pepsidon Get pepsidon toothpaste with Iriam today Ladies and gentlemen, your help is vitally needed During the present American Heart Association drive Give and give generously to the heart campaign in your town Or to the American Heart Association Box 500, New York City Tune in one hour earlier next week And listen to the Lux Radio Theater Followed by the pepsidon show My Friend Irma Both brought to you by Lever Brothers Company Wendell Niles speaking This is CBS Columbia Broadcasting System