 The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens the program with Little Girl. One way to define an ideal dessert, ladies and gentlemen, is to say it's something you look forward to with eagerness and look back upon with satisfaction. Yes, that's one way, but an even better way is simply to say Jell-O, because Jell-O is really tops for topping off a meal. It's a grand-looking dessert, one that sets off a table in first-rate style, a gay glistening dessert radiant with jewel-like colors, the most tempting and attractive treat you ever laid eyes on, and what a swell taste, a top-notch tantalizing flavor, extra rich as inviting as a juicy ripe fruit itself. So tomorrow, friends, try a delightful Jell-O dessert in any one of Jell-O's six famous flavors. Ask your grocer for Jell-O by name, for Jell-O is a trademark, the property of general foods, and those big red letters on the box are your assurance of the highest quality and that delicious Jell-O flavor. The girl played by the orchestra, and now, ladies and gentlemen, we're back in Hollywood after enjoying the winter sports at Yosemite. So without further ado, we bring you our master of ceremonies, that outdoor man with an indoor body, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Jell-O again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, if you're referring to that little incident when I hurt my leg skiing in Yosemite, you're not being very fair. I'm a very good skier, but after all accidents will happen. Well, Jack, if you're such a good skier, how come the very first day you started down the hill you had your skis on backwards? Don, did you ever hear that expression, doing it the hard way? Anybody can go down a hill frontwards. Oh, then I must have misunderstood the whole thing. I thought you made a mistake and didn't know what you were doing. Oh, no, Don, no. Then I'm sorry, Jack, and I apologize. I object. Well, if it isn't Livingston, the DA. What are you objecting to, Mary? I object to that big fib you just told Don Wilson. If you're such an expert skier, how come you didn't even know how to stop? Well... Well, the first thing you did was crash right through the ski house. It could have been a publicity stunt, you know. Go on, you don't know any more about skiing than you do about spending money. Spending money? You do that the hard way, too. All right, Mary, all right. My skiing accident is over. I live through it, so let's forget it. Now listen, Jackson, I don't want to butt in, but that accident was nobody's fault but your own. You had no business getting on a pair of skis in the first place. Do I hear a voice from the cornfield? What was that, Phil? I said the whole thing was your own fault. Oh, it was. Certainly. It never would have happened if you weren't such a show-off. I'm a show-off. Listen, Phil, you're calling me a show-off is equivalent to Tommy Manville telling an owl it stays up too late. And furthermore, I'm not interested in your diagnosis of my accident. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. How's your leg? It's much better, thanks, but it still hurts a little. Every once in a while, I feel a twitch of pain there. How can you tell where your accident stops and rheumatism begins? Now, wait a minute, Mary, if I've got rheumatism, how is it on such a good skier? I'm not going through that again. You bet you won't. Well, Dennis, are you glad to be back home? Yeah, I'm as happy as a lark. Oh, he's always happy. Well, I regard that as a virtue. I'm glad that somebody is contented around here. There's nothing wrong with me that a raise wouldn't cure. There he goes with that raise again. All that guy thinks of is money. Women and money. Well, I never got one in the box of cracker, Jack. Neither did I, but let's forget it. Well, tell me, Dennis, did you enjoy our little vacation at Yosemite? I sure did, Mr. Benny, and I want to thank you very much for treating us to the trip. That's all right, Dennis. Yes, Jack, it was a grand gesture on your part. That's OK, Don. It was a pleasure. You and Dennis have acted like gentlemen, and you've always spoken very nicely of me. Therefore, I was glad to pay for your trip. I'm sincere, so I get hooked. Hooked? Yes. I think it was a pretty cheap trick for you to pay everybody else's expenses and leave me out. Oh, you do? Sure. That vacation cost me over $100. All right, Phil. I'll tell you what I'll do. Just give me an itemized bill of all your expenses in Yosemite, food, room, and everything, and I'll be only too happy to reimburse you. Oh, Jackson, you're kidding. If I'm not, may the roof fall on me. You've got a nerve expecting me to pay your expenses after the way you acted. There I was flat on my back in bed, and you were out every day with a nerd. Well, she was a cute kid. I don't care if she was Ann Sheridan. She was supposed to rub my back. Gee, Mr. Benny, would Ann Sheridan rub your back? I wish I knew and pay attention. I was talking about Miss Kelly, my alleged nerd. I think she did pretty well considering that she had to work 24 hours a day. 24 hours a day? Why, didn't he have a night, nerd? Now, Jack hired a girl with insomnia. Well, he certainly wasn't on the job in the daytime. She was out with Phil Harris every minute. By the way, Jackson, I had a letter from her this morning. Really? I finally met a girl that can write. Did she, uh, did she say anything about me? Yeah, she told me to be sure and say hello to great Seraph. Well, that's very, very clever. And Phil, when you answer her letter, be sure to give her my regards and tell her that as a nurse, she doesn't owe an aspirin tablet from a manhole cover. I wouldn't recommend her to my worst enemy. Your worst enemy? Who's that, Jack? Well, Don, take the name Edgar Allen Poe, remove the Edgar and the Poe. And then, take the name Fred and boil for 10 minutes. Now, look, fellas, we've got other things to do tonight, so let's settle down, eliminate all references to our vacation. How about a song, Dennis? Are you all set? Yeah, I got a swell number, Mr. Benny, called Make Love with a Guitar. Oh, yes, that's a very good song. Make Love with a Guitar. You know, when I was a young fella, I used to serenade the girls myself. Only instead of playing a guitar, I played my violin. And instead of girls, you got pennies from heaven. Well, that's all I know, Mary. Everybody in Warkeegan used to call me the sheath. Sure, you lived in a tent. I lived in a house. Where I live. Go ahead with your song, Dennis. OK. Oh, by the way, Jack, I knew I had something to ask you. Did you go to the Motion Picture Academy Award, Dennis, Thursday night? Yes, Don. Mary and I attended and it was a grand affair. Go ahead, Dennis. Well, Jack, weren't you disappointed that you didn't get the award for the outstanding performance? Yes, I did. Well, I know, Don. Go ahead with your song, Dennis. Now, come on, Jackson. Look, Jackson, weren't you just a little bit jealous? Me jealous? What are you talking about? He's talking about the Academy Award dinner Thursday night. You should have seen him, fellas. Dennis, are you going to sing or not? Boy, was Jack burned up. He nearly had to sing. Dennis, what are you waiting for? Sing. Jack was so mad. Sing, Dennis, for heaven's sake. OK, Mr. Benny. Come here a minute, young lady. I want to talk to you. Love with a guitar sung by Dennis Day. And very good, Dennis. That was one of your best numbers. And now, ladies and gentlemen, as a special offering and for the feature attraction of our program, tonight, we are going to present one of the out... Mary, I warned you. Tonight, we are going to present one of the outstanding plays. All right, Jackson. Come clean. What happened Thursday night at the banquet? Phil, I'm trying to introduce our play. This, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the out... I'm curious, too. What happened, Mary? Well, fellas, it was like this. Jack took me to the Academy Award dinner, and on the way over, he was so nervous and fidgety, he nearly drove me crazy. Well, of course I was nervous. We were late. Late? We got there so early, the head waiter gave Jack a box of silverware and told him to set the table. I didn't do it, did I? Anyway, getting back to our play... What were you so nervous about, Jack? I'm coming to that. He asked me. Well, fellas, you know Jack. As usual, he thought he was going to win the Academy Award. For what? Acting? Don't be so surprised. Why, that's silly, Jackson. Even before the banquet, everybody knew it was a toss-up between Jimmy Stewart and Robert Donat. All right, Phil, didn't you ever hear of a dark horse? Oh, Rochester! I don't mean Rochester, I mean me. Tough luck, Benny. That's who I mean. Well, anyway... Anyway... Anyway, all the stars got there and during the dinner, Jack ran around like a regular politician, taking hands with everybody and passing out cigars. Well, there's nothing wrong with passing out cigars. You didn't have to give one to Betty Davis. Well, I was excited. Sure, you were excited. And here's the payoff, fellas. Oh. When the dinner was over and they announced that Robert Donat was the winner, Jack got up and yelled, You can't do this to me! Well, I told you I was nervous. Anyway, I sat right down, didn't I? Not until someone hit you in the face with an artichoke. That was a Brussels sprout and I didn't even feel it. Artichoke, you have to exaggerate everything. Anyway, folks, as I started to announce... But, Jack, getting back to the award, I can't understand what you objected to and the decision you made. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't understand what you objected to and the decision. Because I don't think Robert Donat deserves that statue as much as I do. What are you talking about? Did you see Goodbye, Mr. Chips? Yes, but I don't remember him in it. Well, I don't. You're the kind of a guy that would visit Niagara Falls and not remember the water. Well, let me tell you something about Goodbye, Mr. Chips, Mary. I just wish I had a chance to play that kind of a role, that's all. Hey, Mr. Benny, I didn't see that picture. Would the pot really fit you? Like a glove. You know, Dennis, it's a story about an English schoolmaster and we follow his career. First he's young, then middle-aged, then he gradually becomes older and older and older, and finally he's a white-haired, wrinkled old man sitting by the fireplace. That's where the glove fits. All right, now listen, fellas, let's change the subject and forget about this year's Academy Award. First thing you know, people will think it's a case of sour grapes on my part. Now, getting back to our play. Pardon me, Jack. Ladies and gentlemen, speaking of sour grapes, I would like to announce that Jell-O does not come in that particular flavor. Wow. However, it does come in six other flavors and you will find each one of them tempting, economical and easy to make. So go to your neighborhood grocer and insist on genuine Jell-O. Look for the big red letters on the box. Very good, Don. Allow me to congratulate you. That was not only brilliant, but obvious. And now, ladies and gentlemen, getting back to our play. Tonight, we are going to present something entirely different and away from our usual sketches. However, before we begin, I'd like to explain... Oh, who is it? Come in. Well, look who's here, fellas. Hi! Andy, it's about time you showed up. Gosh, you've been away a long time. Yes, about two months. Had a lot of fun, though. Oh, that's right. You were out playing vaudeville. How'd you do, Andy? How was business? Well, Buck, I was the biggest thing since Power's elephants. Well, I'm glad to hear that, Andy, because I'd like to go back on the road again myself and play those good old pora days. I got a great idea for your act, Jack. What? You start out as a young man, and the audience gets older and older and older. Don't worry, I'd entertain them. Well, tell me, Andy, what sort of a routine did you do? I sang songs and told some jokes and all that sophisticated stuff. Well, I'll bet. Then for a wind-up, Ma, Pa, and me would come out and do an adagio act. Well, that sounds exciting. You mean to say you and your Pa would throw your Ma around in the air? Not only that, he'd catch her blindfolded. Blindfolded? Yeah, he couldn't stand the sight of her in those pink pipes. I'd like to have seen that myself. Say, that must have been pretty dangerous for your Ma. Didn't your Pa ever miss her? Every show, Buck, that was our big finish. That must have been surefire, and I'm glad you did so well. Well, stick around, Andy. We're going to put on a little play right after Phil's number. Maybe we can find a part for you in it. Sorry, Buck. I've got to run along now. I've got a blonde and a brunette waiting for me down in the car. Oh, two girls, eh? No, just one, and you ought to see her. I'd like to. Well, so long, Andy. So long, everybody. No, gone Andy sure gets a kick out of life. Well, Phil, now that I feel good again, let's hear a number and we'll do our play right after it. Okay, Jackson, is there anything special you'd like from our large repertoire? Large repertoire. Phil, you never played anything that was over three feet away from Dipsy Doodle. So get in the groove. Hold on a minute. Come in. Telegraph for Jack Benny. Take it, Mary. Hey, buddy, got changed for a half? Only two quarters. That won't help you. Thought we'd never get to that. Well, I'm glad he finally got a job. So who's the wire from, Mary? It's from your father in Miami Beach. From Dad, eh? What does he say? He says that my dear son Jack received your letter saying you were going to win the Academy Award. The newspapers here got it all wrong. Poor Dad, he'll be so disappointed. Wait, there's more. Oh. Congratulations, and I'm very anxious to see your new picture. Mr. Chip fries again. He means Buck Benny. Let me have that, Mary. I'll answer it. Play, Phil. Gosh, how will I ever tell Dad? Because I've got my eyes on you played by Phil Harris and his orchestra. And Phil, that number was vaguely familiar. Didn't you play it a few weeks ago? I don't know. Hey, Eddie, did we ever play that number before? I don't know. Hey, Phil, have we ever played that number before? I don't know. Hey, say it. Never mind. I was just asking. No use going through the whole orchestra. It's not that important. I think, Phil, you ought to be a little bit careful about repeating band numbers so soon. That's all. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Well, I don't remember whether we played it before or not. It bothers me. Me too. Me too. Cut it out. You know, Phil, if your boys would worry more about their music ahead of time, instead of spending all week at the Santa Anita race track, we'd be a lot better off. What do you mean? I went out of the track yesterday and there they were, every one of them, including your guitar player. What a pest he is. Oh, Frankie, he used to be a tot. Used to be? He used to be a tot. He's got more information now than Clifton Fatima. Every race you come around say, play this horse, play that horse. Well, you know how Frankie is. He gets enthusiastic. That's all. Phil, I don't object to enthusiasm, but those tips he hands out. Yesterday in the big race... Okay, yesterday in the big race, he insisted that I play heel fly. He said, I'm so sure of that horse that if he don't win, I'll kill myself. Well, what about it? I lost $2 and I don't see any lily in his hand. I can't stand a welter. No, sir. Well, Jack, you certainly don't expect a fellow to kill himself just because he gave you a bad tip, do you? No, but he could cut his finger or something and throw you a compare. Some little gesture. You know, Jack, a guy like you should stay away from the races. You don't have any fun there. Listen, Mary, there's nobody that enjoys a hot dog and a little fresh air more than I do. I mean, you can't stand to lose. Well, naturally, six races in a row are just a little too much. No kidding, Jack. Did you really lose six straight races yesterday? Yeah. Jack was so mad that instead of tearing up his tickets to the track, he took them home and ran them to the meat grinder. They aren't right, I did. Well, so much for Santa Anita. And now, ladies and gentlemen, as I started to announce, for our feature attraction this evening, we are going to present, if possible, a dramatic version of one of the outstanding... Well, I give up. Come in. Hello. Hello. Look, Miss, I'm very busy and I... Oh, hello, Gracie. Jack, it's Gracie Allen. Oh, beautiful. Hello, Gracie. Oh, fine. Gracie, you're the only one in the world that thinks Phil Harris is beautiful. Oh, yeah, and so do I. Oh. Well, Gracie, it was nice of you to drop in, but we have a plated and we haven't much time. What brought you up here tonight? When I hitchhiked, I never asked their names. I see. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll... Oh, Jack. Jack, did you know I'm running for president? President? Oh, yes, I heard about it. Where's George? Well, he's out digging up worms so I can go fishing. Oh. Look, look, Gracie, Gracie, I'll be through in a few minutes, so if you'll just... Well, I just came up here to ask you, Jack, if you'll vote for me. Well, are you nominated? No, no, I just think to be sociable. That I don't understand at all. Now, if you don't mind, Gracie, look... Now, how about you, Mary? Will you vote for me, Don? What's he talking about? I'll be glad to. Me too. So you've thrown your hat in the ring, huh, Gracie? Oh, yes, and it was adorable. I paid $37.50 for it at full exposure. Oh. No. Did you really? I think the hat they're wearing this year is so much better than last year. Don't you, Gracie? Oh, yes. I like the hat I got on even better than on my head. You know, it's more becoming... Yeah. Isn't it? Look, girl, girl, you can discuss all... I just said you. That's the real thing I'm gonna wear around the White House. Look, girls, girls, you can discuss all this later. We're very busy. Hey, Jackson, come to think of it. We did play that number three weeks ago. That's right. That's right. That's right. Forget about it. Now, look, Gracie, I'm glad you're running for president and we'll be very happy to vote for you. But right now, look... You know, I've got my own party. The surprise party. Oh, well... And I was thinking that maybe you could get me a lot of votes from your hometown, Walkiegan. Walkiegan? Well, I haven't lived in Walkiegan for 10 years. Oh, well, then maybe they'd be glad to do your favor. Gracie... Gracie, listen to me, will ya? The election isn't until fall and we'll all vote for you. Now, don't annoy us anymore. We've got our own show to do. Goodbye. Well, goodbye. And give my regards to George. Oh, I will. You know, George will be pretty busy after I'm president. You mean between writing a column and flying to Seattle? I know. All about it. Imagine, my day by George Burns. That ought to be something... What's along, Gracie? Goodbye. Well, goodbye. Well, if I'm going to be elected, I've got to run out now and make some speeches. And perhaps kiss babies. Say, that's not a bad idea. Come here, pal. Hey, wait a minute. That's about the silliest thing I ever heard. Gracie Allen running for president. Wouldn't it be funny if she were elected president next year? It sure would. And you won the Academy Award? Oh, quiet. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I have a little announcement to make. This evening, for our feature attraction, we were going to do Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. But in as much as we only have a few minutes left, we will change it to Mr. Smith Goes to Glendale. Now, in this abbreviated version, I will play the part... Oh, nuts. Let it ring. In our abbreviated version, I will play the part... Oh. Answer it, Jack. Mr. Smith went to bed. Might as well. We'll try to do something high-class. Hello? Hello, Mr. Bennett. It's Rochester. Well, you'll have to call me later. We only got a short time left. We have a play to do. Okay, boys, but they had it again. Hot and heavy. So long. Wait a minute. Wait, you mean to say Carmichael and Trudy are having another scrap? Uh-huh. My goodness, Rochester, I told you to keep that polar bear and ostrich separated. Is it much of a fight? Come on in. We're broadcasting this. It's nothing to get funny about. Now, tell me exactly what happened. Well, I was in the kitchen when I heard a noise and I ran into the living room. Yes. And apparently Carmichael had run the vacuum cleaner over Trudy. Apparently? What do you mean, apparently? Well, the bag is full of feathers and she ain't. For Heaven's sake, for Heaven's sake, Rochester, why didn't you take the vacuum cleaner away from Carmichael? I ain't the finance company. I don't mean that. Anyway, the whole thing is your own fault. In the first place, Carmichael is supposed to be locked up in the garage. What was he doing in the house? I brought him in to help me wipe the dishes. Are you crazy? The last time you did that, he broke four plates. Well, he established a new high today. What? He broke everything with that big meat platter. Oh, my goodness. He broke everything. Now, look, Rochester, I've had just about enough and you're going to pay for all the damage that's been done in the room in the kitchen. It's coming out of your salary. That old refrain. Never mind. Now, you separate those animals and keep them quiet. I'll be home in a little while. Goodbye. Goodbye, Jose Boss. What? I see where Robert Donut won the Academy Award this year. I know, I know. Should I go out and buy a statue with that shelf you built? Never mind. There's always another year. Goodbye. I'll perhaps find a nice looking mess when I get home. Oh, well. And now, ladies and gentlemen, getting back to our feature attraction, tonight we are going to all the heck with it, play Phil. And now, folks, here's something that's really extra special. Truly a mealtime masterpiece, Jello apricot mold, a swell new Jello dessert that's sure to prove one of the best you've ever tasted. It's a gay, sunny combination of delicious golden apricots and a clear, shimmering lemon jello. And it's so easy and simple that you can make it in just a jiffy. First, dissolve one package of lemon jello and one pint of hot water in apricot syrup. Chill until slightly thickened and fold in two and one-half cups of apricots. Then mold and you have a grand, intriguing dessert or salad that's simply sunshine itself, bright with color and a brim full of rare, delightful goodness. So tomorrow, friends, for a real thrill, try this new Jello creation, Jello apricot mold, a marvelous blend of golden, tangy apricots and a rich, tempting lemon jello. This is the National Broadcasting Company.