 So inshaAllah tonight we are going to talk about the five secrets of lasting love. I do know that it was kind of advertised as the Sunnah in Science of Marriage, which is a workshop that I teach but that's actually a full weekend workshop. That's about 12 hours, 6 hours on Saturday and 6 hours on Sunday. So inshaAllah tonight, what I've done is I've taken some of the most critical aspects. So that workshop convinced me a little bit for you guys. And in short, we're going to talk about that tonight. Have anybody heard me speak before? One person. So I have a rule. And the rule is that if I say prophet, we all say, peace be upon you. And if you want to know why, this is an infograph that I actually shared on my website. And if you actually go on my website and click on this infograph, you'll see all of that hadith supporting the point. But it's so important for us to send peace and blessings upon the Prophet, peace be upon him. And one of the reasons why is because we get so much reward and so many blessings from the last Panthaz. So what the Sahaba saw that the Prophet, peace be upon him, was in sujood, but he wasn't in salah. So he just made a sajda and he prolonged the sajda. And when he got up, he was so extremely happy. And the Sahaba said, yeah, As-SoulAllah, like why did you just make sajda? Why are you so happy? And he said, because jubilee just came to me. And he said, you know, won't you be pleased to know that when someone says salam to you, I say salam to you. And when we say send peace and blessings upon the Prophet, Allah has sent blessings upon us ten times. And Allah has sent the orders the angels to write for us ten good deeds and you raise ten bad deeds from our books and elevate our ranks on the Day of Judgment. So imagine if we say it ten times tonight. Anybody really good at math? We say it ten times tonight, yes. How many good deeds will we get if we say it ten times? 100 good deeds. So imagine getting 100 good deeds and 100 sins erased and having your rank in Jannah, hired by 100 levels. So insha'Allah, that's beautiful. And I hope and I pray that insha'Allah, we're all able to send peace and blessings upon the Prophet. And what I usually ask people to do is to say it in a way where the person next to you will actually hear you. Anybody want to guess why? Perfect. So in case that person next to you forgot when you say it out loud and you remind them, do you know what happens? You get double the reward, insha'Allah. Why? Because the Prophet, the one who initiates something good and someone else follows gets the reward of that person without diminishing their reward. So insha'Allah, that's very well. So insha'Allah, we're just going to get right into our topic. And before we start, I just have to make a disclaimer. So this class is meant to be psychoeducation, not psychotherapy. And so a lot of times as a therapist when I teach lectures or workshops, people expect some kind of counseling. Right? Psychotherapy. When in reality, what we're doing is we're doing psychoeducation and that's one of the areas that I'm focusing on right now because I realize that by teaching people the tools that they need, insha'Allah we can prevent a lot of the problems that the brother was talking about in our relationships. So insha'Allah, this minute, let's start. So we all know that beautiful ayah that's on almost every single wedding card, right? The ayah from Surat al-Rohra, Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala says and of his signs is that he created from you, from yourselves, mates so that you may dwell in tranquility in them and he, Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala, placed between your affection and mercy. And then Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala says indeed in that is a sign for the people to give thought for the people who reply. And so one of the most important things that we have to understand about marriages is that Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala is saying that this union between two people is a sign, a miraculous sign, from him, Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala. And he also says that he, Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala, is the one who places love and mercy between the hearts. And that Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala is in control of our hearts, right? The Prophet, Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala said that our hearts are between the fingers of Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala and he turns them as he wishes. So Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala is the one who controls our hearts and controls our spouse's heart, right? And so we have to really understand that Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala is in charge and we have to always seek his help and go to him. Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala, Jalla Fi Olam. So, do we have any professionals here? Obviously, yes. Okay, what do you do, brother? Health care consulting. So to do that, do you have to do any type of training? Lots of training, right? Lots of education. If you want to do anything in life, what's the prerequisite usually? Some kind of learning, some kind of training, right? So if I wanted to be a dentist, I would have to go to dental school, right? Pharmacist, pharmacy school. So with everything in our life, we have to... Okay, this is going to work out for too long. So everything that we want to do in life, we have to learn about it. We need some type of education. One of the most important, one of the things that we will spend the rest of our lives doing, we literally get no type of training. So actually speaking of the learning, okay, four. So I don't want to be so confused, and if y'all should think of it, you should think of it, right? And I'm thinking, okay, she wants... And then she looks at me, and she's like, you know, can you just give her the door she left? And I saw the photographer, she's getting married in a tower. And in our conversation, I realized that it's not working. Oh, it's working now. Perfect. So in our conversation, while I was talking to her, I realized she knew nothing about relationships. She didn't even know the think of marriage, like the basics, like the fact that she needed to make a Muslim. Right? After being intimate. She didn't know anything about conflict resolution. You know, a lot of times, and I'm going to be talking a little more about this tomorrow, a lot of times I give assessments to couples who come to see me. And these assessments are about their own selves. It should take about five minutes to answer the 10 questions. And for 45 minutes, they're looking at the paper. They're completely stopped. Because a lot of times we don't even know about our own selves, because we never took the time to sit and reflect and ask ourselves. So I guess the point I'm trying to make is we must learn and get training for everything in life. But why don't we rather get any type of training for one of the most important relationships that we're going to have in our lives, which is our relationship with our spouses. And so I just wanted to congratulate you all for being here, because you guys actually took that first step. And I pray and I ask Allah SWT to bless you for that and to reward you immensely and to grant you spouses and children that will be the coolness of your eyes emptying out of your head. So before we begin, I just wanted to remind us all about our intentions. So how many people here are married? Mashallah. Okay. So if you're married, I want you to renew your intention insha'Allah right now and know that your path to a better marriage will start today insha'Allah. Because like we said, you just took the first step. And in the name of Allah SWT we'll begin. And let's purify our intentions. Take a second to really purify our intentions and ask Allah SWT to help us get the marriage that we've always wanted, that we've dreamed of, the relationship that we longed for. And I ask Allah SWT and I pray that he makes it easy for us and I want to remind you all of this ayah where Allah SWT says and if they both desire reconciliation, if the spouses desire to reconciliate, to become closer and more loving and affectionate, Allah SWT says Allah will cause it between them. So make that intention insha'Allah right now. And if you're not married for those of us who are not married, let's make the intention that we're learning so that insha'Allah we do get married we can have that beautiful, harmonious and healthy relationship. And know that acquiring knowledge is one of the greatest forms of worship. Allah SWT loves what we learn when we acquire knowledge. Allah SWT says in the Qur'an, those who have knowledge and those who don't have knowledge equal, those who have knowledge are superior in the eyes of Allah SWT. So we're acquiring that knowledge and one of the greatest pieces of knowledge that we can acquire is that marriage is a gift from Allah SWT. Why am I saying it's a gift? Because in surat al-Fulqan where Allah SWT describes ibad al-Rahman, he describes his beloved servants. He quotes them as saying, Those who say, O our Lord, gift us, have lana, ibad is a gift. Have lana gift us from amongst our spouses and our children, our offspring to be the coolness of our eyes and allow us to be an example and lead the righteous. So marriage is a beautiful gift from Allah SWT. And you know everybody wants a happy and fulfilling marriage, correct? Do you think there's anybody in the world who will tell you, you know, you know, my goal is to have an unhappy marriage? No, right? Because Allah SWT, the way he describes marriage is what? It's a source of tranquility, right? Tranquility, peace, mercy, love, affection, right? And so everybody wants and wishes for a happy, harmonious, blissful marriage and there's no doubt about it. But like the brother was saying, what are we doing wrong? What are we doing wrong that the divorce rate in the United States right now is at 54% and that includes Muslims, right? We're not immune to the statistic. And so insha'Allah today we're going to talk about ways to prevent that from happening insha'Allah. And we're going to talk about the five practical elements to a happy, harmonious relationship. So, Bismillah. Number one. Number one is to understand that our relationship with our spouse and our relationship with everyone in our lives. By the way, these practical tips that we're going to talk about today, they will not only improve your relationship with your spouse, but they'll also improve your relationship with anyone. They'll improve your relationship with your children. They'll improve your relationship with your parents, with your siblings. So, applying these principles are very universal. So, number one, understanding that our relationships with each other is an act of worship, especially our relationship with ourselves is an upset that when a person gets married, they've completed the foundation to hear Allah, regardless of their other acts. Now, how else do you know that marriage and our interaction with our spouse is an act of worship? Can anyone think of an answer? Bring me into the world believing children. Bring me into the world believing children. Thank you. You know, I was just going to get Mark a few days ago, and when the sisters picked me up from the airport, they wanted to take me out to eat. And so they were all sitting, and I'm very interactive when I speak, and so I'm talking to them. And so I asked them, I was like, I've never been to Denmark before. How are Danish sisters? Because it's going to be a sister's only program. And they're like, Sister Dunia, Danish sisters, we are so shy. And we don't answer questions and if you make a joke, we won't laugh. Really? Come on, don't do this to me. But you know what? I had some hope because I was a traveler and I made thought that they would be you know, interactive and they would laugh at my jokes. So I started the whole conference off with a joke and they all laughed and I looked at those sisters. I was like, you guys lied to me. Look at them, they're laughing. And they actually answered every single question that I threw at them. So, inshallah, I hope that you guys will be the same so that it can be a little interactive and fun, inshallah. So active worship, how else? So how can you really define an active worship simply? Something that you're rewarded for, right? So an active worship could be anything that you get reward for doing, reward from Allah, right? Well, the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that when you're intimate with your spouse, you get a reward. The Sahaba were very confused, right? So marriage is an active worship and everything that we do with our spouse is an active worship. And you know what happens when we start viewing our relationships like that? Like Akhirah bank accounts where every time we do something we're getting rewarded and it's getting saved for us in the Akhirah. Our relationships are transformed. Why? Because when we're doing it for the sake of Allah, we're not expecting reciprocation. We're not expecting we're not expecting them to thank us. We're expecting our reward from Allah. So guess what happens? We're sad when you do something because you will never regret doing something for the sake of Allah, right? Did you ever regret giving the Sahaba? Ever. Did you ever say, I wish I could take it back? Why? Because you did it for Allah. So when you have that mindset when you're dealing with your spouse you're never going to regret doing something nice for them. Why? Because you're doing it for Allah. Because you know you already got your reward. Right? Even in the Quran, Allah's prophet said Inna la no fa ila kum ni wajhe la la nuri dominkum jaza anwarah shukr. We feed you for the sake of Allah. We do not want from you any type of things and we don't want you to pay us back. You are in a relationship and you are acting and you are doing everything for the sake of Allah. You're never disappointed. Okay? So understanding that and so when I conduct marriage therapy I find that the couple really makes a breakthrough when they embrace this concept of loving each other for the sake of Allah and looking at the relationship and act of worship. While we're talking about acts of worship and our relationships as being as such I wanted to quickly mention love for the sake of Allah. Does anybody know anything about love for the sake of Allah? You guys are going to go back to that crowd. Okay, I'll answer that question myself. So love for the sake of Allah is the greatest, the purest type of love. It's so great that on the day of judgment the prophets and the martyrs will be envious of those who love each other for the sake of Allah. Because the prophet SAW said for those who love one another for the sake of Allah they will be on seats of light on the day of judgment and they will be in such a high status that the prophets and the martyrs will be envious of them and in another way the prophet SAW said when he was describing this he was looking up so high and pointing up high that his upper garment fell off of his shoulders because he was describing how high these people's status are on the day of judgment. So loving your spouse loving your children loving your parents loving anyone in your life for the sake of Allah because that in and of itself will be an act of worship 24 hours a day. The prophet SAW also said barely the strongest part of faith is that you love for the sake of Allah. In another hadith the prophet SAW said a servant does not love another servant for the sake of Allah except that Allah will honor that person. Now when we look at a relationship as an act of worship every time we do something we're seeking the reward from Allah SWT and there's a beautiful hadith that's probably one of my favorite hadith where the prophet SAW said the most beloved actions to Allah SWT is what? What do you think it's going to be? Loving someone for the sake of Allah? Good answer, anyone else? The prophet SAW in this particular hadith said the most beloved deed the most beloved action to Allah SWT is making another Muslim happy. So imagine every time you make your spouse happy you're in your mind thinking I'm doing the most beloved action the most beloved deed to Allah SWT How are you going to feel about doing that? You're going to feel awesome right? You're going to feel super happy because guess what? Helping someone with their need another hadith the prophet SAW said helping someone with their need is better than spending a whole month in the masjid of the prophet SAW making the empty cap meaning praying, making liquor residing Quran 24 hours a day for 30 days So imagine next time you help your spouse and you're thinking of it as an act of worship How happy are you going to be that you're helping your spouse? Extremely happy right? So imagine how just doing that is going to change the dynamics of your relationship So that was number one which was look at your relationship as an act of worship And insha'Allah I have some exercises for you guys if you guys would like to participate And so number one is a question that you can ask yourself if you have a piece of paper and a pen you could jot down the answers I'm going to give you guys a few moments How can your relationship with your spouse be a means of attaining jannah? Number two What acts of worship can you start doing with your spouse? And number three is the beautiful da'a in Surat al-Fulqan where Allah's plan says So number three is really thinking about this da'a memorizing this da'a and understanding that in order for us to have harmonious beautiful relationships we have to ask Allah's plan of da'a because what did we say? The hearts are in the hands of Allah's plan of da'a So it looks like you really don't want to do these exercises so I'm going to go on to number two So I'm going to be honest with you guys I'm used to teaching workshops that are very interactive with workbooks and worksheets and you know it's a lot of fun and so I'm not really used to this type of studying but insha'Allah I think insha'Allah we can insha'Allah have a good time tonight Bismillah So number two commit So what does that mean to commit? It's so easy to fall in love If everybody thinks about the first time they met their spouse that first week that first month love came so easily so naturally but it takes work to stay in love it takes commitment and one of the biggest misunderstandings with relationships especially marriage is that it comes naturally you know it just happens because in the beginning it's really easy because there's so many hormones it's exciting but we really need to work to nurture that love and so one of the keys to a beautiful harmonious relationship is to actually put in a lot of work and a lot of effort to commit to that relationship Now, we said that Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala said that he is the one who places the love and mercy between the hearts the ayah from Surah Al-Rum the ayah that's on almost every single wedding card So the analogy that I like to use is that Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala plants that beautiful seed of Muadda and the Rahmah between the hearts when two people get married but then Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala says that it's up to you both to nurture that seed to take care of it to protect it from any type of harm to make sure it gets the sunlight and the water and the nutrients it needs to protect it from predators to protect it from the elements to allow it to grow The example I always think about is like a crop grows and then what happens he has a lot of crops, right he reaps what he sows and the same is true the more work you put into your relationship the better it will be and this is scientifically proven there are so many studies and in shala we're going to talk about that right now so there are so many studies in which researchers have found that the more work and the more effort and the more you commit to a relationship the better it will be and so in shala today I'm going to give you some tools so that you can put them into practice and get that relationship that you always wanted but you have to keep in mind that it's like I'm going to be a doctor today and I'm going to write the prescription for you and I'm going to give it to you but it's really up to you all and what you do after that right you can either say well this doctor doesn't know what she's talking about and crumple it up and throw it away or you can put it in your purse and kind of forget about it right or you can actually go to the pharmacy give it to them get your medicine, follow the directions and take it accordingly so bismillah so a big part of commitment and a big part of putting effort and work into a relationship is time so research suggests that happily married couples spend at least five hours a week together and so if you think about it the Prophet, Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam every day would go to each one of his wives and spend some time with them right why because Allah SWT sent the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam as well he sent him as a guide for us as a beautiful perfect example for us to follow and so he would spend time with his spouses and so a lot of times I'll give you an example yesterday I was in a counseling session and the sister was like yeah so I asked some questions and I was like what about this one just again we don't have time for that really you don't have time for that you don't have time to put into your relationship so everything else in your life is more important than the relationship between you and your spouse then your children growing up to watch their parents being cold insistent and learning those relationship habits and then it becoming a never ending cycle so we have to give our spouses time five hours a week so couples whose marriage is improved do the following number one they pay special attention in the morning when they part when the husband or the wife goes to work they spend some time beforehand even if it's just five minutes discussing what they're going to be doing in their day like hey having a cup of coffee in the morning and saying you know what honey today I have a meeting I'm so stressed out about it you know my boss he's really you know asking me to do so much you're the wife saying you know what honey today the kids they have soccer practice and you know how much I hate taking up soccer practice spending five minutes before you part you're raising the morning just connecting on an emotional level right number two reunions so when you guys meet up again at the end of the day when the husband or the wife comes home from work those those first ten minutes are so critical did you know that the prophet used to do the first thing when he got home anyone I'm going to keep trying because I have faith in you guys I know you guys are going to end up yes thank you the first thing he used to do he used to stand outside the door use his the slack the first thing he would do is he would kiss me and studies and research suggest that a six second kiss when you come home can do wonders on your relationship right he taught us the perfect example so it's so important that when we connect it's not automatic stress oh my god this is what happened today the kids did this it's more like hey how are you how do you kiss the affectionate right first five minutes and then in a little later on you can talk about those stressful things how to take them on who's going to want to see their spouses you know an example I give imagine if you every time you cook you burnt yourself you felt pain would you want to cook or every time you stuck your laptop in the charger you got electrocuted it you got zapped a little bit would you want to do it anymore no right and so the same is true with our relationships and so what else we have what else do we have to do we have to schedule time a long time for the spouses you know what happens when we get married especially for the sisters we forget about ourselves so we put everything else as a priority and we forget about ourselves and then we forget about our relationships and that's true for the brothers as well once we become parents what happens we forget that we're husband and wife right so we have to remind ourselves do you guys remember the story of Saint Magnefatici when he visited Abu Darda and when he walked in and he noticed that Abu Darda's wife was like sad and she will fix you don't really take care of herself and then when food was put to eat Abu Darda told Saint Magnefatici you know I'm fasting and then at night when Saint Magnefatici went to sleep Abu Darda's like no I'm going to stay up and pray and Abu Darda said no you got to sleep and so when they went to the Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam they told him what happened the Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said your own soul yourself has a right upon you take care of yourself your spouse has a right upon you give your spouse quality time and your Lord has a right upon you and give each one their due rights so when we become parents we can't forget that we were husband and wife right we can't forget that our spouse has a right upon us and so we have to make time for our spouses schedule date nights prioritize your relationship because guess what happy couples prioritize their relationships they prioritize their relationship above everything else right because guess what in the end of the day what do you have your spouse your children are going to grow up and what are they going to do they're going to get married and they're going to leave you know what usually happens couples don't spend time together when their children are going up and then what happens they end up drifting and drifting and drifting and their kids go to college and get married and they're alone in the house and they're living like roommates do you know why that happens it's because they didn't take the time to connect so they drifted and drifted and drifted and drifted and then one day they realize that they're sleeping in separate rooms that they don't even know the first one that they're married to anymore and that's really unfortunate right so schedule time no matter what weekly date nights just for an hour where the kids are with someone else you put the kids to bed you bring a babysitter you have your mother take care of them it's so important to spend quality time and research suggests 5 hours a week right 5 hours a week so you can spread that out maybe 30 minutes a day and then one day a week you have your date night and then you and your spouse and you know a lot of people think this is really like elementary we don't need you to tell us to go on dates with our spouse but think about it when was the last time you went on a date with your spouse a long way without the kids when was the last time you planned something different something fun something out of the ordinary it takes work yes you have to sit there and talk and shout out to Allah do you know what's very interesting research suggests that working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health than exercise it's kind of like isn't that amazing so a lot of people they work out why and they eat healthy why for their health right they don't want to live longer they don't want to have infectious diseases but the research actually suggests if you spend that time working on your relationship you'll be healthier and you know people who are in unhappy relationships are actually more prone to infectious diseases more prone to infectious diseases so and every one study where people who are in unhappy marriages their lifespan was shorter their lifespan was shorter so kind of like that people who are in happy marriages happy relationships so when we do spend time with our spouse we have to give them our undivided attention right you can't be saying ok I'm going to spend those 10 minutes with my wife in the morning having coffee or while your laptop is open or while you're going through Facebook right so undivided attention so we talked about prioritizing your relationships scheduling date nights coffee and tea and we have to remember love is not what we say love is what we do right there's a beautiful ayah where Allah says to the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam say if you really love Allah that do what is that you want to start having coffee every morning with your spouse or tea or maybe it could be that everyday when you come home from work you want to spend 10 minutes of non stressful talk where we don't talk about the kids we don't talk about stress but we have just like hearted talks just for 10 minutes or maybe we want to have dinner every night together and remember we have to express our wants and our needs to our spouse in a gentle way and inshallah that's going to be our next topic inshallah the next exercise for the next week try to pay special attention to when you wake up right when we wake up that's a perfect and a beautiful moment to connect even if you just spend 5 minutes just in bed talking do you know what the prophet sallallahu used to do in the morning after budget he would ask Allah if she had any dreams that night and they would talk about it so just spending 5 minutes of intimate conversation number 2 when you're partying right in the morning when your spouse is leaving a 6 second hug number 3 is your reunion when your spouse meets again after a long day a kiss and this is very important the ending of your day giving closure to your day it's so important that spouses go to bed together go to sleep together and a lot of couples complain that one spouse will go to sleep that one will stay up working or watching movies and so it's really really important to go to bed together at the end of the night and to end the day on a positive note so talk about something positive before you go to sleep and if you really really have to go do something getting permission from your spouse what do I mean so one day the prophet some love I'm going to do that one more time because I feel like you guys are falling asleep so one day the prophet some love blessed you blessed you was sleeping with Amma and she said I love being close to the prophet so she was kind of tucked into the prophet so I don't know if they were laying down and then after some time he was kind of waiting for her to fall asleep but she didn't so after some time he said may I ask you for something and she said of course I was so low on and he said will you give me permission to pray to my lord when I am and she said I love being close to you I love being close to you but I prefer your desire over mine so go ahead so look at how beautiful that is so yes I'm not going to say that our lives are so perfect and we don't have so much work that we have to do and that every night we can just you know go to sleep together but if you have something that you have to do spend five minutes with your spouse and then ask them my love John have you be whatever you call your spouse you know I really have you know a presentation that I have to do and it has to be done before the morning is it okay if I just go work for a half an hour and you know why don't you just go to sleep in the morning when you wake up we'll talk about that isn't that beautiful doesn't that sound so simple why don't you do these things they sound so simple right so simple just a few words that make a massive difference but I realize it's because we don't want to commit we don't want to put that effort in and it's really unfortunate right it's really unfortunate that we feel so entitled that we think that everything will just work out and I don't have to work I don't have to do anything and so in Shalom we're going to take a five minute break and in Shalom when we come back we're going to talk about the next three secrets to lasting love in Shalom so in Shalom I'm going to give you guys a five minute break and in Shalom we'll resume in exactly five minutes do that a lot later just a reminder there is a box of index cards coming around where if you can write your questions so Sister Junior will be reviewing them when we break for Isha in 35 minutes here and then we'll be coming back so we don't have to do any outreach at Shalom because I don't think so Isha will be starting to get in a minute so Isha, if you guys would like to settle down in Shalom so okay so does anybody from Makra the first two secrets worship? Good job and number two commit so number three is connect now to connect is to express love and how can you express love one of the ways is through communication and that inshallah is what we are going to talk about right now and the majority of people who are truly suffering in their marriages are suffering because of the lack of the tools to effectively communicate and so effective communication techniques are one of the most important life skills that we can acquire it enables us to better understand and connect with our loved ones and so the art of communication can be best deduced from the study of the Quran and the Sunnah of our beloved Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam we learned from the beautiful tradition of our Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam that he was the most proficient in dealing with others especially with his outstanding communication skills and his perfect manners and communication is one of the most important aspects to a healthy relationship and researchers that open, clear and frequent communication is the foundation for a strong, healthy, harmonious relationship and so inshallah I'd like to share with you five communication skills that are derived from the Quran, Sunnah and the latest scientific research so this is the last number one skill for communication is wisdom is to have wisdom and to understand that we are all different and we have different levels of understanding different levels of intellect and the way that the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam spoke to for example a Bedouin was not the same way he spoke to his wives was not the same way he spoke to Abu Bakr was not the same way he spoke to the Mushukin of Quraish or the Jews of Medina and we have to understand that that we can't speak to our spouse the same way we speak to our boss and so having wisdom to know what to say, what to say and how to say it and to have that skill of speaking with our spouse and to think before speaking and to pick the best, most appropriate most loving and compassionate words Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la says in the Quran and tell my servants to say that which is best in the Shaitan induces among them in the Shaitan is ever to man kind of clear enemy so Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la tells us to always say what's best and so the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said he who truly believes in Allah in the last days should speak a good word or remain silent and so it's so important to always choose the best possible words and you know a lot of people they don't really think before they speak it's very unfortunate but the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam he taught us and he warned us about not thinking before we speak because in the hadith he said a person will say a word without thinking about it and it will displease Allah's Pantalla and will throw them into the pits of the Hellfire for 70 years and so it's so important to think before we speak I posted a video on my Facebook about a week ago I saw this video, really really good video it was about a father who noticed that his son had anger issues and when he was angry he would say things that he would later regret so he gave him a bag of nails and a hammer and he told him every time you're angry and you say a bad word I want you to take a nail go outside to our fence and then hammer the nail into the fence and so after about a week he realized that he's getting angry a lot because he sees all the nails in the fence and he realizes he's getting really tired from hitting these nails into the fence and so little by little he started controlling his anger and controlling his tongue and not speaking while he's angry and not saying things that he would later regret and then he finally went to his father and he's like I'm so happy you know I'm not saying anything out of anger anymore I'm not saying things that I'm going to regret and so the father took the boy out to the backyard and he said oh okay so why don't you take out all of the nails that you hit into the fence and so he sat there and he removed all the nails and he saw all the holes that he made in the fence and the father said is the fence the same and the boy said no it has so many holes in it and the father said will the fence ever be the same again and he said no and he taught him a really great lesson right that I took a class called Makarim Akhla and our sheikh told us an example that I'll never forget he said our mouths are like guns our words are like bullets once they come out what happens when you shoot a gun and a bullet comes out what happens can you ever take it back even if it's a split second after you shoot can you say wait no no don't shoot you can't do that right and it will always what will the bullet always do it will hit something and does the bullet always hit the target no right so we have to be very careful with our words because once we hurt someone with our words it's very hard to do what to take it back and so having the wisdom another aspect of wisdom is to be clear about what you're saying because no one's a mind reader and one of the things that I see couples therapy is that spouses expect their spouse to read their minds and to just know what they're thinking or their feeling and that's not fair right because no one's a mind reader and the sisters are laughing because it's especially prevalent in sisters he should just know tell me please she's like I don't know but he should just know and so be clear no one's a mind reader even Allah says O you who have believed fear a lot speak clear words straight to the point so speak clearly the prophets also used to use visuals analogies he used to make sure that his message was understood he would repeat and rephrase in hadith where he'd say stuff three times or there was hadiths where he would draw on the sand that we know or he would use his hands or he would point for example at the moon and say on the day of judgment the believers will see Allah the same way that you're seeing the small moon so be clear and use different speaking styles because people understand in different ways some people understand the words some people understand more with visual and so be clear about what you want and always be gentle in the way you say it and always choose the right time you know there's a cliche that says there's a time and place for everything and communication is no different right you don't want to talk to your spouses about something really important when they're stressed out or when they're hungry when they just walk in from a long day at work so you want to choose a good time to speak to your spouse about things and this is so important if you're talking and it's getting heated take a break please take a break because studies suggest that couples who when they feel like they argument the discussion is getting heated take a 20 minute break they're more likely to not have conflict so let's say you're talking to your spouse about something and you realize that you both are getting very overwhelmed or even one of you is getting overwhelmed usually I'm sorry sisters usually is the husband who's getting overwhelmed he's being really quiet and his heart rate is elevating and usually it's the sister who's just going to keep going please sisters understand that really at that moment physiologically your husband is flooded his brain is flooded his heart rate is off he's probably sweating and so he probably won't be able to think clearly and so the best thing that you can do is to take a break to agree hey Noah let's take a break let's both just read a book, watch some TV go outside for a walk whatever and Shalva will talk about this after 20 minutes so if you need a break take a break that's a part of wisdom number two number two is the communication soft start-ups what's a soft start-up our beautiful being is so perfect what are we what are we told to do when we meet a muslim say salamu alaykum right that's the perfect soft start-up imagine the first thing you say is a salamu alaykum what does that mean peace and blessings be upon you you know what it means it means between you and I there's peace starting off really soft what else are we really encouraged to do with mahalams and people of the same gender shake their hand right I needed to clarify that shake their hand right so touch what else smile smiling in the face of your brother sister's what charity the Sahaba said we've never seen the perfect soft start-up accept that he was smiling so start off with kind words something very positive the perfect soft start-up good word is charity start off with a good word look man before advising his son what did he say yeah oh my dear beloved son Ibrahim A.S before speaking to his Catholic father who was actually making the idols what does he call them yeah abadi you know what yeah abadi is it's the most loving gentle kind form of calling your father even even Allah SWT he spoke to Musa A.S and Musa A.S was going to go speak to him around the greatest tyrant of all time what did Allah say to Musa A.S and speak to him gentle manner right and so what else is the soft start-up praise do you guys know the etiquettes of Doa when we talk to our Lord how should we start our Doa anybody know what the Prophet SAW advised us to do start with praise right so praise so look at this this beautiful example from the life of the Prophet SAW said them when the Prophet SAW wanted to advise a young man Abdullah do you know what he did he said what an excellent man of the lives and then he gave him advice express love and physical touch Muaz Rabi Allah who says that one day the Prophet SAW came to meet and took me by the hand put his arm around me and said Allah I swear by Allah I love you imagine starting your conversation with your spouse touching them and there's so many studies and there's so much research that shows the importance of physical touch and in one study that I recently read physical touch can be as effective as anti-depressant medications so imagine imagine if you're speaking to your spouse and you're talking to them you touch them and you say I swear by Allah I love you and then you start talking what would that conversation be like pretty good right so that's how the Prophet SAW communicated what else did he do number three for communication to listen actively to listen actively listen with your eyes and your ears and your mind and your heart and yes I mean yourself you know I saw this picture on psychology today I loved it it was so true it was a picture of a man and a woman laying in bed and then right in between them was a huge phone and I was like how true is that come on we all know it what do we do when we get into bed sitting there like I got some links on my Facebook post checking Snapchat when the Prophet SAW was walking away and someone would call his name do you know what he would do he would stop turn around give his full attention to that person who called his name giving him full attention so when we're communicating we need to get our spouses and our loved ones we have to especially make sure especially with our spouses eye contact, non-verbal cues like head nodding use bridge phrases such as really that's really interesting and then what happened because if you're not doing that you know what your spouse is thinking they're not listening did you ever tell your husband why it's because they're not giving you those non-verbal cues so you need to say those things oh how did that make you feel oh wow how's it going is there anything I can do to help and so we have to listen actively without thinking about a comeback a lot of times with counseling I'm looking at a really body language and when one spouse is talking the other one's just thinking about how they're going to respond and like attack and listening because guess what happens when you're doing that you're not hearing what the other person's trying to say and so you miss completely everything that they're saying and you just start attacking right and so take the time to listen and absorb what your spouse is saying to better understand their perspective and their point of views show empathy and validation when your spouse is talking to you and their current show empathy when they're asking you questions answer and validate your feelings you know there's a very long hadith it's called the Hadith of Um Zara did you guys ever hear about this Hadith anyone? Hadith of Um Zara Subhanallah awesome so Aisha Rabi'Allah Mu'ahman came to the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam and she said to him Ya Rasulullah imagine who is the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam the last and final messenger he had the big great amount of spreading the last and final message from God was he a busy man extremely busy right he was not only trying to teach the deen this new religion these new concepts these muslims people didn't really hear before because the muslims didn't really have the sense of religion because they weren't christians or jews but what else he was trying to survive they were being attacked from every direction he had multiple what assassination attempts they would go into battle and it would be 3000 muslims versus like 100,000 muslims he was trying to build a new a new community in Medina he had so many responsibilities he was the busiest man on earth can you agree? perfect so this busy man his wife comes to him and says you know one time I was sitting with these 11 women and each woman was telling us their whole life story about how them and their spouses were and she starts telling the prophet also about 11 women and their relationship with their husband this hadith is so long but I couldn't even read through it at all and at the end she finishes her long story and you know what the prophet says on the desk he looks at her and he says I'm like you I mean I'm like to you except that I'll never divorce you the way divorce so what does that mean he was listening and understood and comprehended this whole entire story and what did he do he showed empathy cause her talking about that what does that mean she's a little worried right I loved each other so much but then something happened and one day I was divorced so she's a little worried so what did he do he comforted her showed her empathy was actively listening repeated what was said to her so that she knew that he heard everything that she said can someone do me a favor and just touch that so that our slides can come back thank you so actively listening express your understanding and validate your spouse's emotions never make them feel like what they're feeling is unimportant and let your spouse know that you understand what they're saying even if you don't necessarily agree with them you respect and understand what they're saying even if you don't necessarily agree with them did you know that a lot of people fall in love with someone who will just give them their heart and their ear a lot of people mistake someone listening to them for love do you know a lot of people actually fall in love with their therapist you guys are laughing but it's actually very true do you know why because we can't differentiate between that feeling of love and that feeling of someone giving us that time, that attention, listening and understanding us one of the greatest human needs that we have is to feel understood and how can you feel understood someone takes the time not to listen right and so listening is so important number 4 pay close attention to your tone your volume, your body language your facial expression no eye rolling and no facial facial expressions of disgust or contempt so there's a difference of opinion between researchers on how much of communication is verbal versus non-verbal so there are some studies that suggest that only 7% of your communication is what you say and 93% is how you say it in your body language and the numbers vary up to 35% of what you say it's 65% of how you say it but everyone agrees that non-verbal communication is huge overlooked part of communication and so number 1 pay attention to your volume and tone less bypasses the Quran and be moderate in your pace and lower your voice indeed the most harshest of sounds is the voice of a donkey so don't scream you don't have to raise your voice to get your point across do you know what happens when you start raising your voice your spouse turns you out start moving around and so speak gently use kind words be mindful of your tone and we talked about this right what did the last kattab tell Musa to say to the greatest tyrant of all time the guy who was a baby killer and had hundreds of thousands of babies he's the one who said I am your lord most high and what Allah said speak to him in a gentle tone be very mindful of your facial expressions can anyone tell me where the Quran Allah's path out reminds us of this that will make so much doubt for you come on someone just say something Allah's path may Allah SWT give you all the goodness in this life and all the goodness in the hereafter make you happy in this life and make peace to Allah SWT remove all of your stresses and give you relief and may Allah SWT introduce you to those of the Prophet so one day the Prophet was speaking to Quraysh trying to make da'wah and a blind man who cannot see facial expressions came to him and the Prophet SAW just made a facial expression that this blind man couldn't even see so he wasn't very mindful of his facial expression and what did Allah's path do Allah's path taught the Prophet SAW and taught us to be very mindful of our facial expressions even if you're talking to someone who can't see them so the Prophet SAW made a facial expression I don't know what facial expression and Allah's path said hey don't do that why? how much does it hurt when you I think this is more of a sister's thing brothers how much does it hurt when you're talking to your wife and she makes a mean-looking face as she rolls her eyes at you that's a lot right sisters that are laughing as they know to be very mindful of your facial expression number five of communication is always be respectful and courage never be disrespectful or criticized avoid using words like you always or you never don't ever attack the person's personality or character and don't forget and dismiss all the good that someone did especially during a disagreement so criticism brings up a barrier and yields very ineffective a lot of times we think that when we criticize our spouse that that will make them change right when we show them all of their defects and we tell them all of these bad things about them we expect them to say something like thank you honey you know thank you for pointing out all of the horrible things about me you know can we meet up tomorrow can you tell me more that's not how it works right nobody likes to be criticized no one likes to be criticized the prophecy son did not criticize people even when people put something wrong you know he would do but you would say you know I heard that there are people who are doing such and such don't do it he never even pointed the finger at the person who is doing it to make them feel bad so don't criticize your spouse you know researchers discover that they can predict the likelihood of a couple divorcing by observing them for just the first three minutes of conflict discussion and the couples who divorced started their discussion with negativity and lots of bad facial expressions and they used criticism and so we don't want to use criticism when we want to talk about something we want to use eye statements right we want to feel like we don't want to criticize or attack and so that's connected our next key to stop working I think it turned off for a second the projector yeah thank you so the next secret to lasting love is discover next time please is to ask and to learn about your spouse to learn about their dreams and their aspirations in life you know the prophet Sassan he was so perfect he said she said that one time the prophet Sassan said to me oh Aisha I know when you're upset at me and I know when you're happy with me really like how could you know I don't do anything and he Sassan said when you're upset at me you swear by the lord of Israel and you're pleased with me you swear by the lord of Muhammad Sassan so we have to know our spouses we have to happy couples are familiar with their spouses world we have to know what our spouses dreams and aspirations and goals are we have to know what our spouses favorite color is which might change every few years or their favorite food or who their best friends are or what they like to do in their free time we have to know things about their childhood we have to know things about their day what their day was like are they stressed out about a certain co-worker what is their boss like so it's so important to be familiar with your spouse Israel with your spouses his mind and heart and so there's a lot of exercises that we can do inshallah maybe I can share them with you I'm just going to end because I have two more minutes and I have one more thing that I wanted to share with you can you do that thing and that's number five which is a tune a tune is to look for the positive in your spouse happy couples who stay married when they look at their spouse they think of the positive and the process on some of you taught us this he said a believer should not despise a believing woman if he finds something in her character that he dislikes he focuses and he looks at the characteristics that he's pleased with so we should always focus on the positive because she front wants us to focus on the negative and to exaggerate it but happy couples focus on the positive they think of the good times they think oh you know mashallah you know my wife mashallah she's such a good cook or mashallah my husband he works so hard to provide for us they think about the positive and they appreciate it and they don't just appreciate it because a lot of times people say well you know he knows I appreciate him no right we said people are not mind readers we have to do what we have to verbalize our appreciation the Prophet s.a.w said if someone does something for you you should do what say juzakmalum for you another hadid the Prophet s.a.w said if someone does something for you you should try to repay them and if you can keep making juzak for them until you and let your juzak was enough to repay them for what they did so showing appreciation to your spouse is one of the greatest things that you can do in your marriage I ask Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala to bless us and to bless our families and to bless our marriages I ask Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala to remove any other feelings that we may be having between us and our spouses I ask Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala to forgive me if I said anything that was wrong because that's truly from my own self and Shayfan and I ask Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala the same way that he gathered us here to gather us in the highest level of general the Prophet s.a.w and juzakmalum for your patience with me inshallah and if you'd like to hear more and learn more inshallah tomorrow I know it's been advertised as it's for single couples but I promise you that everyone and anyone can benefit from the information that we're going to discuss inshallah and juzakmalum if you have any questions you have the index cards inshallah after sallah and take those questions I'll give you the hardest one first what do you guys think? can I do the hardest one first? okay so the hardest question that I receive is why do husbands cheat? okay so first and foremost first and foremost there's nothing there's nothing that can justify this there's nothing husband or wife but honestly we live in a day and age where I'm going to be completely honest the infidelity rates among women are also very high so it's not the men anymore it's not just the husband so I'm going to be more general and so there's nothing nothing that justifies this type of behavior men must kind of forgive and say like this all so there have actually been a lot of studies and there's been a lot of research done on why do people look outside of their marriage and one of the studies suggest is that they're not obviously they're not being fulfilled in their marriage and that doesn't mean that they're blaming on this other spouse no I'm not saying that and I need to preface that that we're not saying by saying this reason that we're blaming the other spouse not at all but I was asked a question and I'm just going to give you the research and what the studies have shown so the research suggests that many people who look outside of their marriage do so because they're not fulfilled inside of their marriage and in Shela's this is something that we're going to talk about tomorrow we're going to talk about what are our emotional needs and these needs that we have are just like food and water just like food and water you know one time I read a study about why do people cheat with people who are not as attractive as their actual spouse and the research is pretty interesting it's because when we're hungry emotionally it's like being hungry physically if you are starving you would eat anything in front of you correct even if it was for example I'll give you an example I think hot dogs are disgusting I watched this documentary on how they remain right and I would never eat a hot dog but if I was starving would I eat a hot dog stay alive yes right and so basically our emotional needs are just as strong as our even if not stronger as our physical needs of food and water and so one study suggests is because the spouse isn't fulfilled in their marriage right and then there are other studies that say that things like people are looking for a variety and people are looking for excitement and like I said again we're not justifying it but this question is so broad so if you are a person who is in a relationship and your spouse is unfaithful you can go to counseling and inshallah find out the root cause of it because it could be something else right human beings are such interesting beings because we're all so different we'll move on okay what do you do when your spouse's defense is not logic but they shout loudly first of all we shouldn't be shouting loudly right we already discussed that second of all I read a beautiful quote by Alhadra the Alhawaii poet where he said that if one of you is like wider the other one should be water and it's extremely difficult to be the water extremely difficult to be the water but what I would do and I know it's going to be difficult but I would advise to show empathy to your spouse because the reason why they're shouting is because they feel like you don't hear them you know there's a lot of times when we speak and the person isn't understanding us as we get very frustrated why because we feel like they're not hearing us and when we're not equipped with the right proper tools the only thing we know to do is what scream did you ever notice when children when they tell you something and you kind of tell them know what they're doing they start screaming why because they think that you didn't really understand how badly they wanted or you didn't understand what exactly they wanted so they feel like if they shouted then it'll get your attention it'll make you understand that it really has the opposite effect so first of all what I would do if I was in a conversation with someone who was screaming speaking very loudly I would take a deep breath myself and I would say I would have been dead in a shape of a dream and I would ask Allah SWT to give me patience and to give me wisdom to deal with the situation correctly the second thing that I would do is that I would weigh it out for a little bit and then I would show some empathy and I would say something like it looks like you're really frustrated of the situation maybe we could both remember I and we statements say you and you don't attack the person because that's just going to make it worse maybe we could we can both calm down take a 5 minute briefly we write out our thoughts and our feelings and then talk about it right you want to be Allah SWT says itfa bilatihi awa ahsan respond with that which is ahsan from asan like the best like I want you to imagine when the prophet SAW said that right when he was ridiculed when he was cursed right and how did he respond he responded in a better way and what is the last practice say in that section of the Quran what will happen if you do that any hefa Allah SWT says if you do that maybe the one in which there is hostility with will become a close friend and companion and so I know it's hard and it's difficult but at the same time Allah SWT is based on our work on our actions it's hard it is so let me give you an example if you're an Arab and you're born reading Quran and knowing how to recite Quran and you recite Quran so beautifully you get one reward but if you don't know any Arabic and when you recite the Quran it's so difficult and it's hard and you make mistakes what happens you get double the reward when you're dealing with someone who's very hard to deal with versus someone who's dealing with someone who's easier to deal with your reward is greater and so that's what I would do another thing that I would do is I would at a later time talk to them about it because you know I love having to be job whatever word you call your spouse I love talking about things with you but sometimes we get heated and we start raising our voices and it's really like it becomes really hard for me to stay in that kind of conversation and it hurts my feelings and then give a solution be like what if the next time we feel like we're going to raise our voices we take a deep breath and we go make lulu or we go drink some water and we write down our feelings and then we come back to give a solution so that's how I would deal with this what can the other spouse do if one spouse is following these principles but the other spouse is not again this is a very difficult situation when you feel like you're doing everything you possibly can and your spouse isn't reciprocating number one first and foremost we would ask a lot of parents to help us but number two maybe your spouse doesn't know if that's the case that they don't know maybe saying something like hey you know there's this online class that I heard of awesome that teaches skills about relationships and I love us and I want us to grow and show that if we took it together it is a really good book so that you can usually it's easier when someone just doesn't know and it's a matter of just educating them but what is the first to know but it's difficult for them to change or even care to change that's what I would definitely recommend counseling having a mediator because what is the last point that I said he said you know to send to have a mediator a mediator between them and LaShalla Tabata Kala your community is very blessed because you guys actually have a lot of Muslim therapists like I was so excited to come here because other communities don't have Muslim therapists and then so use these resources right and so that's what I would do in LaShalla Tabata now it's pleasing our parents and pleasing our spouse I think one of the hardest situation is when you're put between a rock and a hard place and this is one of them where your parents have rights and responsibilities over you and so does your spouse and it's really hard to do it but you have to be bound with and we have to have so much wisdom by giving everyone their due rights and by setting boundaries one of the things that we're not taught is to have personal boundaries right um once I had a couple where the husbands brought up the story of Abu Bakr of Ilal Ain who telling his wife to divorce his wife and people bring up these things right like from the past or you know the example of Ibrahim A.S. when he came and visited his son he told his son to divorce his wife and to marry someone else we often understand that was Ibrahim A.S. he was Khalilullah like he had revelation he was not you and me and so when he said something he said something out of what out of knowledge maybe of the unseen right and so we can't use those examples for us and so when I think probably this was a brother who asked this question because you just it's the brothers who have the hardest time and I think just being really wise about spending time with your mother along and also spending equal amount of time with your wife along and expressing I know a lot of times our mothers sometimes they cause some issues there's a few questions here about daughter-in-laws and mother-in-laws and I think that the root of all of this is principle number one do you guys remember what it is worship that we're not looking at it as an act of worship that we're not remembering the sanctity of the human being do you know that there are two types of rites tukukullah and tukukulaydah tukuk the rites of Allah swt are like prayer and tukukulaydah are the way that we deal with people now Allah swt has a camp and will any shortcomings between us and him but do you know what Allah swt is saying when we hurt others see do you know that where's my proof right what are you talking about Allah forgives everything true but when we transgress upon the rites of others on the day of judgment he told us who's the bankrupt person who's the bankrupt person and they said the bankrupt person is the person who had a lot of wealth but then they lost it all and he said no the bankrupt person is the person who comes on the day of judgment with a lot of good deeds they hadn't they prayed, they used to fast right but they hurt people so they hurt this person with their tongue would shed them so on the day of judgment Allah swt would bring that person that they hurt and Allah will say on the day of judgment there will be people who they only need one good deed to go to jinnah they will run around and go to the prophets they'll go to their mother who in this dunya would give her her eyes and you know what the mother will say get away from me so imagine this person who was hurt in the dunya when Allah says to that oh you know this person hurt you but they had to do you like that reward and Allah swt gives them that and the prophets are sad and they'll keep giving away their reward the people that they've hurt in the dunya including having none left right another hadith that's very interesting is that there was a woman at the time of the prophets she was swama what does that mean she would fast her days and she would pray all night and so the sahaba told the prophets they were like yalla swt Allah swt this woman she fasts all day she prays all night but she hurts her neighbors with her tongue she backbites she curses at that she says mean things to them do you know what the prophet swt said he had been not she's in the hellfire and i said the sahaba swt there's another woman who you know she just does her bare minimum she prays her five prayers that she fasts in the halal but she doesn't hurt her neighbors she doesn't hurt other people she's in jinnah so we have to remember that so as mother in laws we have to remember that the way that we deal with our daughter in laws the way that we deal with everyone is regularly with Allah swt and as daughter in law we need to remember that the way we deal with our mother in laws is Allah swt as watching and Allah swt do you know what did we recite today today's jamaa what do we recite today why why every friday there's so many lessons but one of the lessons is when Allah swt holds someone from the day of judgment we say what is this book there's nothing big or small except that it wasn't accounted for so we have to remember that everything we do will be held accountable for so even that book do you know what's atisha do you guys know what my isha is the most beloved person to the prophet sallallahu alayhi sallam he said that right he was once asked yes to the love who's the most beloved person to you and without hesitation he said atisha we don't mean that and he said her father so this most beloved person to the prophet sallallahu alayhi sallam once was talking to the prophet sallallahu alayhi sallam and she just went like this meaning the person that she was talking about was what short what is the prophet sallallahu alayhi sallam he said I swear my isha if we were to take that expression that you just made and put it into the ocean all of the water in the world would become salty we wouldn't have any clean fresh water so we have to remember these things right we have to remember that the way we deal with our mother-in-laws our father-in-laws our daughter-in-laws are everyone Allah is watching and it's a big deal to him Allah is the part that loves us so much that he protects us from physical harm but he also protects us from emotional pain and torment because pleasing our parents and our spouses is first and foremost by making their attention to please Allah subhanallah and communicating to your parents that hey my spouse has a right upon me, don't you love me you want me to go to jemna well the prophet sallallahu alayhi sallam has a right upon me my spouse has my responsibility and she has rights upon me and I need to fulfill that and that's not taking away from your rights and your responsibilities but please help me you know just open communication lovingly ask you know a lot of times people say well no I never asked my mom why not tell her I'm really stressed because I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place I love you I love my wife I want to please my wife but it's becoming difficult help me help me go to jemna because you're my jemna but she is too and then we're upon something you know what happened to just basic communication I love so that's my advice for this person are you guys tired at all whenever you guys get to the point where you guys are like sister dunya we don't want to hear you anymore just let me know I won't get offended I promise okay so what do you recommend to couples that feel that their marriage has already died feel the same love they first had for one another do you believe love does not die a natural death and so I would see why why don't you feel the same thing that you thought before why do you feel like the love died what happened what is it that you both are doing or not doing and if you need help figuring that out Allah SWT says ask those who know if you know not right there's nothing wrong with asking for help the Sahaba constantly came to the Prophet's house and asked him for counsel for help and after the Prophet's house passed away they would go to Abu Bakr and get along and so seeking help right but some basic things that we can do to recover love and things that we've talked about today number one is I would definitely definitely try to have lots of non-stressful conversations like hey why were you just thinking honey can you tell me about your childhood what's one of your favorite memories you know what was your life like when you were a kid or hey you know what I know I haven't asked you this in a while but what's your favorite food like we don't know our spouses but do you know what makes us fall in love when we feel like someone knows in love and understands us and accepts us we need to stop trying to change our spouses right because when you try to change your spouse what are you telling them you're not good enough you're defective you need to be X, Y and Z and is that fair no would you like someone telling you that no did the Prophet's house some say to treat others the way you want to be treated yes so why is it that we're doing to our spouses things that we wouldn't want someone doing to us and so I would go back and I would see where did this disconnect happen because you're saying here in this question that they don't feel the same love they first had so that means that Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala definitely placed that seed but what happened you didn't nurture it enough to grow you know what's really cool about seeds anybody know anything about seeds even if some time has passed and you didn't take care of that seed once you start giving it water and sunlight what happens it starts growing so inshallah give your marriage about water and that sunlight nurturing your marriage inshallah and be really frank and honest you know what I was at this class about marriage and I'm sorry I'm sorry that I wasn't you know I didn't give you attention I'm sorry that I hurt you so much and you know what I want to change today I want to change because I know that we had something that was so beautiful and inshallah today I want to start working on that tell me how can I do that and start working on your marriage I don't want to add on okay we'll see we're not going to answer third question I go up the window how should a wife react to the topic of a second wife that's going to go up the window okay so what if I don't want to go out with my husband without my kids you want to meet this question I'm not sure you really hurt inside a little bit because I'm not sure where it's coming from if it's because you don't want to be alone with your husband because you don't feel like you are your wife because you don't feel like you know what to do with them that makes me so sad can I share with you guys something that happened about a year ago I was at a community and I was teaching the importance of mental health to youth and it was time for a question so I got this one question that made me cry because a young boy who said if I get married will I be allowed to hug and kiss my wife anybody want to know why I cried he never saw his parents move into this we're all adults here can I tell you something do you want to know why a lot of our youth don't want to get married or they want to marry non-slumps is because of that because they think they've been miserable they've never shown any type of love and attention so why would I get married again or they think oh that's just the Muslim thing because in the movies non-Muslims do that stuff so I want to marry a non-Muslim or there's this other extreme where they start thinking about people of the same gender that also and so so you don't want to go out with your spouse is it because you don't have a good time because you know what happens I'm very observant that's how Allah created me and that's what I was trained to do and so every time I go out to dinner I kind of scan and the saddest thing is when I see a Muslim family sitting there and they're all like this and I'll look over every few minutes and I'll notice that they entered they had dinner and they exited and the whole of our family so start start from today we talked about these open-ended questions that we can ask our loved ones these are questions too ask them stuff what's your biggest goal in life what do you want to achieve in the next nine years what's stressing you out who's your best friend who's your work mate what's your average day at work can I never ask you that question what do you do at work or what is it like ask open-ended questions where the answer can't be yes or no where they're forced to kind of talk to you a little right and so if that's the case then that's a problem if you don't want to spend a long time with your spouse and if it's because you're so attached to your children that you don't want to leave them that's another problem right and then he said I'm right he came to the Prophet's house and he told him love who you wish to love and know what and know that one day that you're going to be separated so love work moderately to love your kids or to be so attached to your kids to the extent that you don't want to leave them and go out with your spouse that's not helping and if that doesn't work ask for help and remember what did I say what was my disclaimer at the beginning anybody remember this is a session of psycholeducation not psychotherapy right and I know a lot of these questions they're because we really really need answers but a lot of these questions show me that your relationship needs some help and that you should consider talking to a professional okay so there's this question that I don't really understand is there anything called care too much can someone be to something by love how does individuality prevail in a relationship so I don't really understand this question but what I get from it is a lot of times when we get married we lose ourselves and I think that's a little more prevalent in the sisters right because maybe pre marriage they went to school they got an education maybe they were working and then they get married and then what happens they get married and they get pregnant and they start having children and then what happens all their focus is at home and they become lost and that's why research suggests that one of the most important things is for a husband to support and help his wife fulfill her dreams and to give her that time to do something for example maybe go volunteer once a week or do a side business online or even get a part time job something that will fulfill her and so that's my answer to this question and I hope and I'm sorry if I didn't understand it correctly so what does a couple do if they're having problems but one of them does not want to go for therapy and who do we approach if we feel like we are getting abused okay so first and foremost abuse is not okay in any way shape or form, not physical not emotional, not financial and not spiritual we must be thinking what spiritual abuse yes there's such a thing called spiritual abuse where someone starts quoting A.S. and Hadid to try to control and manipulate you that's called spiritual abuse and so there's no tolerance for that in our team I read a Hadid that was it was very eye-opening so does anybody know the instance of thought of what happened in thought and let me know this thing the Prophet says what did they do they stolen him, thank you and then what did he do he made dua and what happened the angel of the mountains came and said Allah sent me and told me that if you want I will destroy all of those people who hurt you and what did he say right? guess what? a woman came to the Prophet's house she said he had a soul of Allah my husband beats me do you know what he said he said go tell him right now that you're under the protection of Allah he must have sent her soul so she left she came back, she's like Allah he hit me again so he took a piece of his shirt and he ripped it and he gave it to her he said go show him this and tell him you're under the protection of Allah and his messenger of Allah is that it? and she came back and she's like Allah he hit me again, you know he did he raised his hand and he said oh Allah destroy him oh Allah destroy him oh Allah destroy him what does that teach you there's no tolerance for abuse that are beautiful people and I'm not just talking about sisters being abused because guess what studies now are showing that one in every five men are abused in relationships verbally abused and there's some more physically abused and so abuse is not okay and we talked about it right Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will punish those who harm others okay so what do you do if you're an abusive relationship you give help there's a video on my facebook page where I describe all of the outlets called domestic violence I describe all of the outlets and places and resources where you can go to get help and the other question if you're having problems and one spouse does not want to go for therapy what I would do is I would go to someone that person respects and loves and might take their advice and I would explain to them how important it is to save our marriage that we go see someone and please help me convince my spouse to come seek therapy we'll level out now another question about my spouse not wanting to go to therapy how can I convince them to seek counseling or understand me like I said and this person saying well his parents are also on his side and so they have some cultural beliefs about his roles and responsibilities and a man's wife maybe I would go to someone like me and I would say hey you know what I really value my relationship but unfortunately we have some issues and we need help and unfortunately my spouse is not open to getting help please help me convince them I would do something like that and of course lots of da'a and lots of da'a do I know the therapist in this area Dr. Rania Wad this year you guys have the best therapist ever masha'Allah and I also know that there are two other therapists and each other whether or not I can share that information what are some good books websites to help understand the gender I'm going to do a shameless plug for the book called the Sunna Science of Marriage you can go on my website and shella pre-order that I also wrote some articles that you can find on my website other than that there are some really good resources I would love the work of Dr. John Gottman I'm actually certified through the Gottman Institute so I think that he's absolutely amazing if you google John Gottman 50 books that he authored one of the most popular and famous book is his book called The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work so it's Gottman G-O-T-M-A-N and like I said I have also authored a book that's similar to the Gottman method but I also paired it with the Sunna and the Quran that's why it's called the Sunna Science of Marriage the Sunna so I mentioned that for all actions and relationships we should expect their reward from Allah and you also mentioned that we should show appreciation to our spouse my question is having expectation of appreciation from our spouse okay so it's natural right it's natural someone to to appreciate you right and that's why I was trying to be very balanced where I said yes you know you're really good for the sake of Allah so you're not getting hurt but at the same time the Prophet S.A.W said whoever does not think the people has not thanked Allah and Shayfan said that one of the things that he's going to do is to make us to lead us to the health fires to make us ungrateful ungrateful to Allah ungrateful to His creation and so when we're ungrateful to the creation of Allah we are actually ungrateful to Allah and so there's so many ahadith and actually I also offered a book on gratitude you can also order that book where it teaches us the importance of practicing gratitude and the benefits and practical steps for a grateful person and gratitude and appreciation and I did say this is one of the most important things that we can do for our relationships we have to appreciate and notice everything even the small things right so even on your spouse makes you a cup of coffee in the morning even though they do it every day they've been doing it every day for the past 40 years for the past 40 years every day you should be saying to S.A.W thank you so much the coffee's perfect you always know how to make it just like I like it right I remember the brothers were gonna like this one I remember once I was talking to one of these sisters so I was telling them to appreciate the fact that their husbands work and when they come home from work every day they should say something to S.A.W and thank you so much for working so hard and once sister stood up and she's like but he's supposed to work and I'm like no really it's not I know a lot of men who sit home and talk to your husband this word you should really appreciate that and the thing about appreciation is that Allah SWT the Surah Al-Rajim that Allah proclaimed himself he proclaimed and Allah SWT proclaimed he made an announcement he said if you are ungrateful I will surely most definitely increase your blessings and if you're ungrateful my punishment is severe right and so what happens in relationships is that when we're ungrateful what usually happens our S.A.W stops doing those really nice and awesome things that they do for us so we should we should notice and appreciate everything that our S.A.W stops for us and that's what happy couples all do couples who stay happily married they notice and they appreciate the little things we love Allah we love S.A.W what happens if you are not married I don't really understand this question do you want to help me if they're seeing each other and not getting married may Allah SWT guide us and we should get married because the Prophet S.A.W said two people like each other do you guys remember my disclaimer I'm not a scholar so I don't answer a specific question so you guys can ask your share Allah SWT this is another kind of specific question about the Hadiths that say husbands should believe well no actually I can answer this one a little bit it says blindly obey the Prophet S.A.W said that you're not allowed to obey a creation if they ask you to disobey the Creator so that's a rule right for example your spouse tells you not to pray you can't obey that your spouse tells you to drink alcohol you can't obey that so we don't blind we don't blindly obey anyone we obey Allah SWT would you please give us a real life example of what Allah SWT is is it without our worldly understanding of love no no it's not love for the sake of Allah is an intention right it's an intention that I love this person I love myself for Allah SWT it's not it doesn't change your feeling those same feelings apply but it's an intention when I love someone for the sake of Allah I love myself for the sake of Allah I want what's best for their attitude when I love someone for the sake of Allah I give them excuses when I love someone for the sake of Allah I don't harm them in any way she performs but it doesn't mean that you don't have those same feelings of love and love stuff I guess not love for the sake of Allah it's just an intention and that's why we started off what before we even talked about the five secrets we started off with our attention purifying our attention for the sake of Allah so that in turn it would become a great a great source of reward because whenever we do something for the sake of Allah Allah SWT accepts it Allah SWT only accepts from us what's done for his sake and that completed all of the questions yet thank you for your time how the process of counseling works when one of the participants needs a severe amount of therapy they need therapy they have a trauma in their lives that are affecting their behavior but then you're bringing a couple together trying to work on a couple when the root causes a person and I had another question follow up with I.D. said that if a person needs therapy and doesn't want therapy that you should ask someone who they trust or love to help them are you suggesting that someone is not equipped to intervene so not to give some kind of counsel so the question was is I said that if one of the spouses does not want to go for counseling how to help them I said to get someone else to convince them to work on them to try to show them that you know they need to go to counseling not to get counseling for you know wait not to get counseling for all of course not to get involved and start giving you know some kind of counsel because a last part I said ask those who know so it's like going I give this example what would you say to me I went to the bakery and I told the baker my tooth really hurts do you take a look at it you think I'm crazy right or if I went to the mechanic and I said you know what my stomach really hurts here's a blade cut me open and see what's going on in there so we go to those who know the prophecy I've said that we have to go to those who have knowledge he also said that every disease including spiritual including emotional and mental has a cure and to go see it from the most knowledgeable the best possible person and the first question was what a person with severe issues and maybe you know additional counseling the therapist hopefully the therapist would be able to see that and recommend separate counseling and therapy for that one person who has a lot of trauma issues from the past and work with them individually and then later on work on bringing a couple back together because it's very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has you know an emotional instability and so it can do some damage to the relationship so that person needs to get help and then start working on rebuilding their relationship right