 The Jack Benny program. Chester and yours truly, Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills. It's early morning, Jack is still asleep, and Rochester is in the kitchen, preparing breakfast. I see by this note you left, you want me to start delivering milk again and stop leaving cream. Going on the air for a new sponsor? Yeah. Mr. Benny, I'll be listening to him. Goodbye, last month's bill. Cream! Okay, I'll write you out a check for it. Wait a minute. Is that a pair of dice you're taking out of your pocket? Mr. Milkman? Did you, Rochester? Yeah, and see, a big, easy chair with no one in it, and the trees outside were in bloom, but they looked bad to me. Oh, Rochester. The birds were singing, but I never could. It seemed to hear them. The sun was shining, but I never saw it. Really, Rochester? Yeah. Get me something to eat. What are we having for breakfast? Huh? I said, what are we having for breakfast? If this was last season. If this was last season, you'd have to mention it. Now, get me my breakfast. You won't sleep until 8 o'clock at night anymore. Rochester, shut off the egg timer. What? I'm getting your coffee. Shut off the egg timer. Okay. Rochester, answer the door. You told me to shut off the egg timer. You stop the egg timer and answer the door. I'll answer the phone, or the door, rather. Oh, boy, it's good to be home. Hello, Jack. You look wonderful. I've got to give you a great big time to go without a kiss. Gee, Mary, you mean you haven't kissed anybody for three months? Leave me out of it. I'm thinking about you. It's good to see you. How was your trip? Come on in. I'll tell you all about it. I'm Mary, believe me. It was wonderful doing shows for the boys overseas. What a great job those kids are doing. And you know what? If I were 20 years younger, I'd be right out there with them. You said that during the last war. I meant them, too. I mean, Mary, stop mixing me up. I wasn't the last war. Remember, I was in the Navy. Oh, Miss Lewis, hello. You act like you're surprised you got one. Well, I'm surprised he called. I wonder what it's about. Maybe he wants to... No, he wouldn't be giving me a bonus so soon. I wonder what it can be. Well, maybe he wants to know who you're going to have for a singer. You still haven't got anyone to replace Dennis Day. That's right, Mary. You know, confidentially, I've been considering being Crosby for my singer. You know, he's starting to get popular now. Well, Jack, I don't want to disillusion you, but you're not going to get Crosby for $35 a week. I wasn't thinking of $35. You ain't gonna get him for what you're thinking, either. Jack, what are you talking about? You can't hire Crosby. He makes thousands of dollars a week. Well, maybe I could get his little son Larry, he sings, too. Or for $5 more, maybe I could get the twin. Why don't you wait another year? You might have more to choose from. I'll find a singer. Come in! A lot of good. You look wonderful. I feel good, Don. I really do. Although I lost about ten pounds. Well, I lost some weight, too, but on me it isn't noticeable. Did you just misplaced it? It's like old times having your back. I thought about you every day. Oh, sure, sure, Phil. I bet you didn't even know I was gone. I did, too. You left on the day of Flattop's funeral. You were gone all through gravel, Gertie, and you got back the day after the brow paid his debt to society. The brow? Gravel, Gertie. What are you talking about? I bet you don't even know about the summer sisters being in that iron clamp. Summer sisters? How do you like that? The newspaper spent millions of dollars trying to educate people, and he don't even take advantage of them. Well, I've been away. I don't know what's going on around here. Why, Jack, Phil was on the K-Kaija program. Well, that must have been nice. For 13 weeks. 13 weeks. Now I know you're a jerk. What do you mean? If you couldn't answer the questions the first week, why did you keep going back? Jackson, you got it all wrong. They hired me to ask the questions. I was the professor. Professor? Yes, professor. P-U-R-F. Listen, then Wednesday night, I want to hear Phil ask those questions. Jack, starting Wednesday night, K-Kaija will be back on the show. Oh, then I'll surely listen. Well, fellas, I hate to break this up, but I got to call for my sponsor, and I have to go over and see him. Oh, say, kids, before I go, I want to give you the souvenirs I brought you from the South Pacific. Of course you want a hammer to open that big crate. No, no, not the crate. The souvenirs are in the valises. Well, what's in the crate? Never mind. You're acting kind of funny about that crate, Jack. Why don't you open it? I don't have to. The souvenirs are in the valises. Then what have you got in that crate? It's something I brought home for myself. I got it on one of the islands in the South Sea. Well, open it up, Jack. Let's see what it is. Don, it's nothing. You wouldn't be interested. Rochester, give me that hammer. I'm going to open it up. Here's nothing in this crate, but... Wherever you are, oh, you're not very far. How I wish you'd hurry, cause I'm inclined to worry. These arms of mine are open. Open, you'll appear. Where are you, dear? Come out, come out, come out wherever you are. Come out from under that star. Yes, and incidentally, mentally, I'm not up to par. Wherever you are, yes, and incidentally, mentally, I'm not up to par. Wherever you are. W. Hill, let's go in. Okay. And Mary, please try and act nice, will you? Oh, Jack, stop worrying. Even though he is your sponsor, you don't have to fall all over him. Don't be silly, Mary. I'm going to treat him just like any other person. But Jack, you never brought a girl in orchard. Why bring him one? Well, you know, Mary, a man in his position has got almost everything else. Come on, let's go in. Miss, will you please stop in the Mr. Hill's office and step in and tell him I'm here? Yes, sir. Well, I haven't heard that side of it before, but continue your opinions, interest me. Pardon me, Mr. Hill. Yes, Miss Bates? Jack Benny is waiting in the outer office. Oh, good, good. Tell him I'll see him in a few minutes. I'm in conference right now. Yes, sir. Now, as I was saying, your opinions interest me. I'd like to hear more of them. First of all, Mr. Hill, I want you to think that I have anything against Benny personally. Oh, of course not, Mr. Allen. Mr. Hill, with Allen, it's two receptions to one instead of... I'd be the last one to try and get his job. I've always semi-admired Mr. Benny. Yeah, how could anyone dislike a man like Jack, a man who last year was affectionately nicknamed after General Patton? Oh, blood and guts Benny. Oh. In that order. Oh, you mean old toupee and wrinkles. Oh, blood and... You know, Mr. Hill, last week his doctor took a sample of Benny's blood and sent it to the laboratory to be analyzed. It came back with a note saying, congratulations, put an olive in this and you've got a martini. Blood, why, Benny wasn't delivered by the store. He was brought by a leech. Mr. Allen, hearing you talk, I get the impression that you don't like Mr. Benny. Oh, I'm sorry I gave you that impression, Mr. Hill. I'm really very fond of Jack. He's one of my best friends. It's just that I... Well, I hate to see him go back on the air and be a flop. But what makes you think Benny will be a flop? He always gets laughs. Mr. Hill. Anyone can get laughs who tells a joke, wiggles his ears, drops his pants, and then shows a Bob Hope movie on the seat of his underwear. And with Benny's red flannels, it looks like it's in technicolor yet. How can he miss? But Mr. L, and I am a businessman, I don't care how a comedian gets his laughs, as long as he sells a product. And I think lots of people will sit for the radio, smoke a cigarette, and listen to Jack Benny. Mr. Hill, that is an impossibility if I have ever heard one. Smoke a cigarette and listen to Benny. How in the world can anyone smoke and hold his nose at the same time? Can't be done. You know, Fred, I'm a little surprised hearing all this. You see, when I heard, Jack, I thought he had a large following. No, he just looks that way when he's not wearing his girdle. That large following is all Benny. Well, look, Fred, perhaps it isn't too late. Do you think I could help the program if I got rid of Benny? No, by all means, keep Jack on the program. Mr. Hill, just cut his part down a little. Oh, cut his part down a little, eh? Well, look, Mr. Hill, I know you're a busy man, and I want to run down the hall and see your assistant for a few seconds. I may drop back a little later. Okay, Fred, you'll find Mr. Stauffer's office quicker if you go through that rear door. I knew he'd be in the rear. Thank you, so long. No! Mr. Hill. You may send Mr. Benny in now. Sure, glad to see you. Here, have a cigarette. I'm already smoking one. I don't mind telling you, Mr. Hill. Hello, Mr. Hill. Now, I don't mind telling you, Mr. Hill. Hello, Mary. Now, I don't mind telling you, Mr. Hill. Not because you're my new sponsor, but because you're one of the finest fellas in the world, one of the squareest grandest guys. Oh, Jack, stop pinching his cheek. No, Mr. Hill, here we are. Yes, sir, ready to get off to a great start on our new radio series. Well, Jack, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Yes, sir. Talk? To me? Is there wrong anything? I mean, anything wrong? Is there, is there, is there? There's nothing wrong. Just routine talk. Sit down. Yes, sir. That's my chair. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was your chair. Well, you should know. You're sitting on him. Oh, yes, silly me not to notice you, Mr. Hill. I'll sit here. Now, you're sitting on me. Yes, I am a little excited, Mary. I'll sit here. All right, if you think you'll be comfortable on that ass tray. Pardon me, Mr. Trey. I mean, I'll just get on the... Get the cigarette, Mr. Hill. Sorry, I didn't see it, Mr. Lighted. I mean, Mr. Hill. Now, Jack, I wanted to talk to you about some things. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Guess who was sitting in this office just a few minutes ago? Well, I haven't the slightest idea, Mr. Hill. Who was it? Fred Allen. Fred Allen? What was he doing here? What did he want? What did he say? Well, Jack, for one thing, he said... That's a lie! Now, Jack, that's no attitude to take. Fred doesn't dislike you. Why don't you try to like him? How can anyone like a guy who looks like he does? Oh, Jack, Allen isn't so ugly. How would you know you can't see his face until you lift the bags under his eyes? A tamed expression. I'll play a square egg. Now, Jack, don't get excited. And please stop biting my nails. That sneak face-to-face. I'll tell him a thing. Well, Mr. Hill, I just dropped back to say goodbye, and, uh, why, Jack... Jackie Bennett. Jack, old pal, it's certainly good to see what's left of you. Just telling Mary and Mr. Hill how much I've missed you. Yes, sir, Jack, it's great being together again. I'll say it is. Hey, boy, what are you doing out here in Hollywood? Oh, making a picture. I'm over at United Artists. Oh, yes, yes. I heard that Boris Karloff isn't there anymore. I know. And I heard that since you've been with Warners, the studio isn't there anymore. Now, listen here, Allen. Jack, it's your own fault. You always have a chip on your shoulder. I haven't got a chip on my shoulder. No, he's right, Mary. That's his head. His head looks like a knothole with skin on it. I don't mind with you, but you won't have it that way. I'd punch you right in the nose if there wasn't a lady present. I'll leave, Jack. You sit down. And you listen to me, Benny. You'd punch who in the nose? I'd punch you in the nose if it weren't for your wife and children. I haven't got any children. Then why aren't you in the Army? Well, that's civilian. Now, for the last time, I want you to mind your own business. Jack, why don't you and Fred shake hands? You shut up. I meant just to say be quiet. I mean, I didn't mean it at all. I never think to say like that to you, Mr. Hill. Mr. Hill, don't stand there with your back to me. Fred. Tell Mr. Hill I didn't mean it. It was an act and it was all a big mistake. Fred, don't... But if you brush the LYKP on the Q-tip, They give you a private thanks that teaches a little device called... Fluid Drive. Fall on your bones. Clones. Private thanks that teaches a little device called... Fluid Drive. Jack, every fall on your bones. Clones. But people... I think that's what I said. Oh, no, Jack, he knew you were excited and nervous. Gee, I hope so. Say, Jack, what are you going to do about a new singer for our show? We have to get somebody since Dennis is in the Navy. Well, I don't know, Mary. I thought maybe next Sunday I would talk to Frank Sinatra and see if I can make a deal with him. Frank Sinatra? Yes. But Jack, he's got two programs already. Well, then maybe he'll hire me. We'll get together some way. I'll ask him to drop over next Sunday. Good night, folks. This is the Armed Forces Radio Service.