 All right number three. All relationships have distinct energies and energies outlast proximity and intimacy. All relationships come with energies. I was speaking yesterday about energies in the event we had yesterday because I think we generally in the church again we've been so ignorant about energies. We've majored on words and vocabulary and oration and preaching and we've mined on what energies are going on between us. What energies are going on in our relationships. What energies are we allowing to be in us that we are hosting and generating. All relationships come with distinct energies. What is your energy saying to people in your life. Do you know. Some of you are struggling with the relationships not because you don't love the person. You love the person especially if they're in your life long term. They're not going to be replaced anytime soon. They're in your life and maybe your family people that are close. So they're not people for a reason or a season. They're in your life long term but you're struggling with is the energies that they bring into your life make them hard to be around and so you're adjusting their space in your life. You're trying to put them further away even though you know they're always going to be in your life. You're still put them further away because you can't do with the drama they bring or the stress that they generate and so the energy of them is not calming is not peaceful and you're a version of you right now where that really matters to you. You're a version of you where you've been through a lot of stuff and you really value calm and peace and these people always come and bring drama. Send energy and they don't know they have it so even if you talk to them about it they're going to like what me more drama are you kidding me. Here's what they said to you no one's ever ever said that to me once they say that to you you know it's going to go bad from here on no one's ever said that to me every dog by the way come into my mind every every dog that's ever bitten me i used to have a job delivering stuff to people's homes every dog ever bitten me the owners always said that dog's never bitten anybody before i'm like how the hell does that help how does that help me to know that it bit me that's all that matters that i'm the first one isn't some kind of privilege so when they say no one's ever said that to me well it's time someone did because all energies linger beyond proximity when you leave them and they're not in your proximity anymore their energy is it's kind of it's kind of like playing a sport or doing a marathon or i've heard professional dancers talk about this when they're laying down they feel like the legs are still moving so you're not doing that anymore you're not in the proximity of it anymore physically but it lingers energies linger so even though you're not around them which alleviates it a little bit the energy that deposits itself in you continues so it took me a long time to learn this i think what is it about that person what what is it because they're good people they're lovely people i love them but there's just i'm always left with this discomfort and this edginess it takes me a while to kind of detox from them and what is that how do i even broach that with them because they're so oblivious to it as we most of us are about our energies what energy are you bringing into your relationship you have to be intentional about energies and that's why let me say this to you this is again something we haven't been open enough about in the church when i talked earlier in the six rooms missing i talked about an x-ray room where we say things like they should be said the MRI scan level conversations one of them should say something like with the relationships it's okay to cut off toxic family members out of your life don't care how born again a spirit filled or how much they glow in the dark when they anointing on them they can still be toxic blood is not thicker the mental health did you hear me some people in your life are damaging your mental health it's that bad and you let it happen because they're family blood is not thicker than your mental health that's why if you keep allowing your mental health to be damaged by having them in your world it's self abandonment you're abandoning you for them they go away feeling great we had a great time you go away feeling that was a nightmare i can't keep doing that and when you said i can't keep doing it you plan to see them in a couple of days time again because that's how your relationship goes so i want you to be sensitive aware much more than maybe you've been of energies your family know your family know how to your family know how to push your buttons because they install them right they know where they all are they know the combination that triggers this or that they installed the keypad in the combination all right number four you can't control other people's behavior but you can limit the impact of their behavior with boundaries you can't control other people's behavior but you can limit the impact of their behavior with boundaries everybody say boundaries we have been terrible at boundaries in the church world i never once heard a teaching on it in all my life anywhere in the world nobody taught on boundaries because you know boundaries sound like it's not very covenantal boundaries don't sound vulnerable and open it sounds too guarded and too new age you can't control their behavior so stop trying to jedi mind trick people into being who you want them to be stop trying to jedi mind trick people with your love and your goodness and your performance and your trying hoping that they will stop being such an irritant in your life stop it stop trying to love the red flags out of people i just get some freaking boundaries a boundary will do it they won't like it you won't like it but it will protect you and if if the relationship doesn't survive the boundary what did you have anyway how good was that relationship if it won't survive you saying no i don't want this no i'm not doing that anymore no i don't want to be dan involved in that and go there i don't want to be around that conversation or whatever your boundary is and it doesn't survive that then what did you really have between you well we were in covenant exactly all that covenant stuff is cheap and worthless if it won't stand a boundary conversation that's what i mean we prided ourselves on being deeply connected because we're in covenant and then one simple confrontational conversation whoa so many cry babies in the church in this area seriously some people i used to teach in the church some of you were like like a canoe some people like a canoe you know when you try and get into a canoe and you try to get into it and the moment you touch it with your toe starts flopping around just the canoe some people like that the moment you even touch the issue with your toe to start flipping around you think my god this is this is just a touch i'm going to try and get in it in a minute this is a disaster so you think oh i'm not going to touch that again other people emotionally are like a battleship when you step on them not a ripple want they've done the work internally to become so stable so evenly keeled they being like battleships do you know battleships deliberately they build in reinforced armor plated walls in the ship to take what's called recoil so that when that battleship fires a gun and the gun recoils it doesn't affect the ship it's built to absorb the vibrational power of the recoil of the firing of the shell those are the best humans in the world to know to know that you'll die alone was jesus to know you'll die alone while one of your guys is saying to you you can count on me you know he's going to deny you three times in a couple hours to know that somebody is pledging on die in love and to know that you'll die alone and to take that recoil and carry on with what your destiny is so some of you are exhausted in relationships because you're trying to control Jedi mind trick people into loving you just experiment this week with a few boundaries you can't control the uncontrollable it's just exhausting boundaries won't make someone spontaneously combust into who you prefer them to be but they limit the impact of who they are in your life some people are only in your life some people are only in your life and their foolishness and their drama is only in your life to teach you to create boundaries that's the reason they came some people came into your life and they are so drive you nuts their gift to you the reason they came is to teach you i need some freaking boundaries in my life seriously and once they've come and you take that lesson and you create boundaries they go boundaries are like boundaries are like daylight and garlic to vampires they don't scare everyone off but they do filter out the wrong people from your life daylight and garlic don't matter to you if you're not a vampire but if you are they're going to instantly hit you and resist you and frighten you and forbid you entrance that's why you need boundaries because the people who respect your boundaries love the fact that you have them admire you for them but people who hate your boundaries they're the vampires they're the vdps of life very draining people who want to sink their fangs into the jugular of your emotional resources and bleed you dry and then say you know what you just weren't there for me i loved some people i mean love them for years and served and served and loved and loved dan when they left the church they'd leave after saying there's no love in this church boundaries do you have any do you need to find some this week some of the people you need boundaries for the most are the ones you keep telling yourself are well meaning people well you know that they're well meaning they're nice people they're you know the good people they're well meaning stop it you keep justifying their rudeness justifying their violation of your boundaries because you know you know she you know she's just she's well meaning she got a good heart a good heart can still kill you so don't do that the people in your life you know i love her she you know i love my mum she's well meaning here some of you your mum's killing you because she's toxic or your dad or whatever it may be that's why i said earlier blood is not thicker than your mental health when we decide someone's nice or well meaning we choose to suffer it out we suffer it out stop suffering it out because you've said this person's well meaning when what the truth is they are a boundary violating human in your life i need to stop suffering it out draw a line and cut that energy out of your life because the longer you don't do it the sicker you will get the more emotionally toxic you will get by tolerating it lovely lovely and nice doesn't cancel out incompatibility and unmet needs so stop making that equation be something it's not number five and finally never make your emotional home in another human being i've done this so many times in my life especially because the covenant stuff which makes you feel you're safe to do that and you're not never make your emotional home in another human being if i make you my emotional home i give you the power to make me homeless because on the day you decide to abandon me betray me hurt me and i've put my emotional eggs in your basket i throw my emotional dependence in your bank i put my emotional well-being in your hands and you abandon me reject me betray me i am rendered instantly homeless in that moment it's like i was kicked onto the streets i have no address because you were my address you were my home that's why jesus was able to die alone because he didn't put his emotional home in any of them didn't put his emotional home in peter's over promising what he couldn't deliver so some of you are struggling because you have done that i have done that too i put my emotional home in the leaders over me i got confused between them and god and then when they treated me in a way that i perceived as rejection and abandonment i went into a crisis and i melt down for months on end wondering how do i get back in to that home they were never my home you are your home you are your home and you have to come back home to you and never ever again contract out your emotional health to another human being don't do that all right top five there you go