 recently one of our members posted in the group sharing how she had dated someone 12 times and by the time they got to the 12th date he basically confessed that he wasn't over his ex and when I say ex this wasn't a ex spouse this was an ex marriage or excuse me an ex girlfriend someone who had dated for a year. And the question was how to tell if he's over his ex and I think this is a great question to talk about because the reality is is most of us who are in midlife might have had several relationships and these relationships certainly can affect how we approach future relationships in our lives and that's why I want to encourage a different way at looking at the dating process and that is quite frankly you have to become what I call a detective, a detective in other words, dating is a vetting process dating is a screening process and just like a detective might interview a criminal to determine if they had committed the crime and I don't mean to operate from the perspective of men are guilty before proven innocent I think we're all innocent to some degree. I think we have to be rather aware that in particular when it comes to men versus women is that men are driven biologically by sex I can confess that I am driven biologically by sex I'm gonna say my libido is wrapped up in there sometimes so this is something that most women know about men let's put that in one box, okay? Another box that I think it's important to understand about men is that most men are rather I say clueless and what I mean by clueless is for those of us in midlife if we've gone through a significant relationship like a marriage especially if we were married in our 20s and 30s we thought that was probably gonna be the last relationship of our lives and yet most human beings have weak emotional maturity weak relationship skills and for women in particular that need for a man to be the provider protector isn't as great as it was in the past, okay? And what relationships today require more is emotional maturity, okay? And men tend to be weak in the area of emotional maturity and relationship skills I'm not to suggest that men are incapable of it they just tend to be more weak now women aren't necessarily so great in emotional maturity as well women can operate from a lack of regulating their emotions women can operate from a lack of irrationality so to some degree but women tend to be more tapped into their emotions more so than men for the most part okay so why am I bringing this up? Okay coming back to is a man the question really is how to tell if a man has healed from his past relationships? Well coming back to again coming back to something I said about being a detective is quite frankly I'm here to encourage women to understand human behavior and recognize before you enter into the dating process what you're up against, okay? And much like a detective your job is to to screen this person to screen in and to screen out you know real true compatibility real true emotional maturity and how do we do that? Well just like my sweetheart Marie and I did in the very early stages we did what I call radical honesty and laying our cards on the table Now why do I call radical honesty and laying our cards on the table? Listen we both knew we were attracted to one another in our particular circumstance we built up a bit of friendship before we ever met okay we met kind of in the guise of friendship and not so much romantic and there was mutual attraction for one another and through that mutual attraction we were able to build a little bond so that by the time she came to visit me for our after we met for a couple of dates and this was a long distance dynamic why am I bringing this up? Because during that meeting if you will because we didn't date we met with one another during that period we knew we were attracted to each other we both knew we wanted a serious relationship what I did is laid the cards on the table okay what that means is expressing exactly what you're seeking in a relationship including in our particular case the recognition that there was distance and how that would play into the process okay and why I call this radical honesty is that we were just being we were being detectives for one another okay she was vetting me I was vetting her and laying our cards on the table basically meant that we would unpack our past relationships really unpack them I mean we talked about our marriages we both were married and we unpacked that and we talked about our significant relationships after our marriage we unpacked that because we interesting enough she was married for 25 plus years her first she had a significant relationship for six years I was married for 12 years had a significant relationship for six years on and off and we both had some smaller relationships that were a few months here or there kind of thing okay why is this important? We unpack that that's what laying cards on the table when we say unpacked it we asked some really deep questions about that relationship and why it didn't work out so why is this critically important to know? Well this was our period of time during these three days that we were together we're like look we either feel comfortable with where each person is at with respects to their capability of being in a relationship we really vetted that and to some degree once this was over by the way I swear a little bit you might feel better as my coffee mug at that point we took a leap of faith okay we took a leap of faith to some degree a leap of faith is going inward like really going inward and look and asking your gut if you will asking your intuition does this feel safe to move forward? Does this feel safe to go to the next step? Because each step you're building trust many of you know I say it takes about 100 hours of face to face time just to build the first layer of trust okay? Jay Shetty says it takes about 40 hours to begin to get to know someone and it takes 200 hours of face to face time to develop a friendship with someone. 200 hours is a lot of time okay? And to be able to invest that time taking that leap of faith means doing it from a non-attached approach. You know it takes a bit of risk to put yourself out there and if you're going to be attached to the outcome knowing that you will be devastated if this doesn't work out then the individual healing for oneself is critically important because in this particular case coming back to this member who shared this question was has he healed from this one year relationship? Well my guess is there wasn't a lot of real deep conversation. There was a lot of surface conversation about his past relationship. Surface conversations oftentimes is the expressing of what went wrong instead of the whole, what's the word I'm looking for? Not facet but the particulars of the relationship really diving into this. Now some dating and relationship coaches will tell you that this isn't a good move to do these things. I'm here to say this is your life before you enter into a physical relationship with someone you have every right to explore every nook and cranny about this person's past because unlike the TV show Friends, okay and I'm going on a segue here, let's look at the TV show Friends, you know, particularly Monica and Chandler. They lived across from one another. They spent years together and they knew so much about each other's lives that when that chemistry was ignited between the two of them there was already a level of safety. They didn't have to unpack their past relationships. In fact, because they were friends they used to constantly unpack their dating experiences. Well we don't have this benefit when we're meeting total strangers. So it's imperative to actually go deeper than the surface. And this is why we're in such a dysfunctional dating process, you know, or mating process or the dating marketplace is so dysfunctional because most humans don't understand human behavior for one. And secondly, they don't know how to really get to know someone. I want you to think about this. What does it mean to get to know someone? Well, to get to know someone it's asking those questions to get into the nooks and crannies of a person, asking those tougher questions and seeing how they react, really paying attention to their reactions because sadly, we cavalierly date, we date with this ambivalence. And I say, we, I'm guilty of this because most humans operate from a place of attraction equals relationship success. And I'm here to say, hey, that's the furthest thing from the truth. Attraction and chemistry is important but what's more important is shared values, lifestyles that can blend with one another and more importantly that emotional maturity. So have they healed from their past? Well, the only way you're gonna find out is to ask deeper questions right from the gecko. And if you need some support with that schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Many of you don't know that within your own personality there are some significant questions you should be asking quick early on so you avoid the people who haven't healed. Is he as over as X? The only way you're gonna find out is to get into those nooks and crannies sooner rather than later. Is this sinking and is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Please post a comment below if you have something to share. And if you find value in the group please tell your friends about Midlife Love Mastery. Send them to my website, jonathanasley.com. Have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. And I'm gonna sign up this video as I always do first off give myself a big check in and John the America self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love. Guess hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we can all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch, bye-bye now, bye.