 Happy holidays guys and gals and everything in between. Rayi Fderrazi here and for most of us, the bulk of the holiday season is over. However, spending all this extra time with family got me thinking. I am fortunate enough that I have a family that knows that I'm HIV positive, they know that I'm gay and they are completely supportive of it, they're educated on it. It doesn't really even come up. It's just another facet of my life. By my family, I mean my immediate family. So I'm talking about my parents, my sister, her husband, and then I have my stepbrother and his wife and their kid. And that's basically who I see during the holidays for the most part, is all gravy, baby. But I got to thinking it's not the case for a lot of people. A lot of people have a lot of anxiety and trepidation when it comes to seeing their family for the holidays, especially as it relates to their sexuality or to their specifically, more so to their HIV positive status, whether their family even knows or whether they do know and they feel judged or criticized or viewed negatively because of it or the support's not there or what have you. So I decided I wanted to do a video in conjunction with AIDS Healthcare Foundation to kind of like talk about this topic and what are some ways, what are some tools, what are some things that we can do to empower ourselves, to embolden ourselves during the holiday season and when we're, especially when we're surrounded by family. So here are some tidbits. I hope these are useful for you guys. Let's do it. Okay, do you guys see my tree? Isn't it lovely? Except for this giant patch of not working lights. I have the spare bulbs, I tried them, I replaced a couple, didn't do any good. What is the point of that? You have to go through every single bulb on the strand to find the one that's making it not work. How not efficient is that? When I could just go to the store and buy another strand or much rather do that than spend the time and the effort and the energy doing that and you gotta save the bulbs and have them ready to go. Just buy a new strand. I know that's not economically friendly. I know it's not PC to be saying this day and age when we're thinking about the future and plastics and all that, but I mean, fix the product, make it make more sense. This is a universal issue that everyone has to deal with. It doesn't make sense to do that. That's my rant, but this is my tree. I've got it up. It's actually after Christmas now and I'm just gonna keep it up until New Year's because I like it. I like it a lot. First of all, I wanna say, I know a lot of you are gonna have a lot of stress when it comes to this topic. When thinking about family and interactions during the holiday season, you're gonna see people that you don't normally see, don't normally care to see and maybe don't wanna see now. But during the holidays, we make that exception to at least spend some time with family and make that a priority. That's just a common occurrence for a lot of us. Not all of us, but a lot of us make that an important part of the holiday season. My first suggestion is, as much as you want to and as much as you innately already do in your brain and in your mind and in your emotions, try not to assume how people are going to react to you or how they're going to, you know, a lot of that trepidation and that fear and anxiety comes from what we imagine in our minds of how people are gonna treat us, what they're gonna say to us or how they're gonna come on to us. And a lot of times, it's not as bad as we make it out to be in our heads. Do yourself a favor, try not to do a lot of overthinking and overanalyzing and pre-empting what might occur during the holiday season. It's good to think about it a little bit so you can be prepared, but try not to get yourself in a thunk just by thinking about it. If you've told your family about your diagnosis and it's relatively new for them, keep in mind that it might take them a little bit of time to come to terms with your diagnosis, to accept it, to embrace and support you, to maybe gain some education, to make peace with it, just as it may have been a journey for you to be able to accept it in yourself and to know that life will go on and that you're gonna be happy and healthy if you so choose and that you have your whole life ahead of you, medicine's great, et cetera, et cetera, you are taken care of, you're okay, you're still the same person. Acknowledge that it might also take your family some time to go through that journey as well. If you are not open to your family about your HIV diagnosis, ahead of time, if possible, choose a family member or two or however many whom you can confide in and confide in them and allow them to be your source of strength and grounding during this time where just sometimes just knowing that there's another person in the room who knows what you're going through and gets you and understands you and supports you is enough to help us cope with an otherwise really trying, really difficult experience. So if there is someone that you can find in your family who you feel you can confide in and you feel you can trust, go ahead and do that and it's best to do that before you guys actually get together so that you can explain things properly, go into detail, answer any questions and also kind of define what you want your experience with your family to be like if you want the topic to come up, if you need their help to kind of navigate around it and kind of avoid the topics of health and not make it as awkward as it otherwise might be. If your family does know or certain family members do know it's important to communicate boundaries if you have them. If you don't feel comfortable talking about HIV even though everyone might know or the majority of people might know then let your family know that ahead of time saying, you know what, I'm good, my health is good or maybe your health isn't exactly where you want it to be but just let them know. This is something I don't really want to talk about. Let's keep this off the table. If you want to pull me aside, maybe one on one, that's okay but let's not make this a talking point amongst our family. That's not really something I want to get into or talk openly about in front of everybody. Doesn't make me feel comfortable. The importance is that you communicate your boundaries and what you are comfortable with so that you give your family members the opportunity to respect you and to hold that space for you if you need it. It might also be a good idea ahead of time to have someone who supports you, loves you, maybe not necessarily who is part of your family or not your biological family. Maybe your chosen family or friends or coworkers or just a support group or anything like that, doctor even. Somebody who understands your situation knows what you're going through and can be there at a moment's notice through text, through a phone call, through social media, however, but someone who you can link to when you need it. If you're feeling overwhelmed with anxiety or just so much is going on with your family and you need someone to help ground you and bring you back to earth again. That's a good thing to establish ahead of time. Now during your visit, if this is something that they're recently coming to terms with and they do end up talking about it, reassure your family that you are still the same person that you've always been. You have not changed. You are not your diagnosis. You are a healthy, happy, thriving individual. You have your whole life ahead of you. There is great medication. Things have changed for people living with HIV. What people know of, HIV from the 80s and even the 90s is just no longer true for the majority of us. So remind people, you're fine. You're not your diagnosis. People get diagnosed with different chronic manageable conditions all the time. For example, like diabetes. It can be a scary thing to learn that your family member has been diagnosed with diabetes but with education and knowing that they have a routine and medicine that they take and that they know how to take care of themselves, then it can be okay and we're just there to support them through their process. But we also have to know that it doesn't change who they are and it doesn't mean they're gonna live any less of a happy, fulfilling life. So, and that's the same case with HIV. So just being that source of confidence in yourself and being able to express that to your family can give them confidence and in turn create an environment where you are all feeling comfortable and reassured and just able to focus on the holidays and bonding and being there for each other. Sometimes family just sucks and there's always somebody or something or some situation that can come up and it just is shitty and there's no way around it and someone is just gonna say something that triggers you or a lot of some things that trigger you and sometimes you just need to make sure that you are able to take care of yourself. Self-care is really important even during the holidays even when you are with family. If you can find a space or time to be alone, to be with yourself, to meditate, to do some breathing exercises, to journal, to read a book that grounds you to do affirmations whether allowed or in your head, you know, a lot of times if you can't get away just saying, excusing yourself and going to use the restroom can be a great time to just sit on the toilet, breathe, take a space for yourself, realize maybe some ignorant comments that are coming out of someone's mouth or some like really triggering comments are oftentimes not meant to specifically be cutting or hateful towards you personally but it's just someone else's ignorance or their own unhappiness that's just coming out and misdirected at you and to be able to see that for what it is and to have to practice compassion and to kind of just say, I'm gonna let it wash through me like water, not take it on, not carry that burden during this time so that I can just get through this and try to focus on what's important during the holiday season. Being able to have an affirmation ready to go. You know, I am worthy, I am healthy, I am happy and fulfilled in my life. I am a strong, fulfilled human being on my own life's journey. I am completely in my right energy and in my right space all the time, especially now I am a leader. I am control of my own life and in my own emotions and my own experience of my life, things like that. If you can think of stuff like that to just, you know, when you're in that safe space, whether it's the bathroom or if you take a second to go outside or go to your car and sit in your car say these affirmations to yourself in your head or out loud or listen to your favorite music, something to help ground you and keep you connected to who you are, who you know you are, to your happy place so that you don't get caught up in the whirlwind of what family interaction can be like during the holidays. And also, being able to connect with somebody else. If it's not a family member designated there who you can kind of confide in or who can help ground you and bring you back to your sanity. And if you don't have someone like a friend or a colleague to reach out to in these moments, take advantage of social media. You know, if there's groups that you're connected to or people that you follow or that your friends with online reach out to those people. Anywhere you can find that connection with somebody to help you get through these trying moments is gonna be a huge plus for you. Sometimes you have to ask yourself what do you wanna get out of this holiday experience? Do you want to bond and connect with your family members? Do you wanna just be able to share a moment with your grandparents or with your uncle or your niece or whoever? Or do you need to make it about, you know, being PC or making sure that everyone is woke? And are you ready to engage in those kinds of debates that you would have to have in order to be able to express your opinions about the world or about people or about sexuality or HIV? Is that what's important to you in this moment? If it is, then maybe make an emphasis on creating a dialogue with family members that isn't gonna be aggressive or combative but rather just sharing feelings and asking questions about them and their life. And if they have some prejudices, maybe ask them like, you know, how would you feel if it was your son or your daughter that was going through something like this? Or what if you were diagnosed with this and you were going through this situation? Like, how would you want your family to treat you in that situation? Or what kind of support would you be looking for? Questions like that that kind of prod and enforce someone else to think about an issue on their own in their own head but you're kind of guiding them with the questions might be more beneficial than saying, you don't know what you're talking about. This is the way it is. I know the right way. I know the real truth, the answers, et cetera, et cetera. You know, if you wanna make it about making sure that people are on target with their perceptions of the world and with HIV and who you are as a person and what you're going through, then think about what would be the most beneficial way to communicate that with family members during the holiday season or if that's not even important to you and you just wanna be able to bond with your families and enjoy the holidays together and not worry about all that stuff, then think about how you can neutralize the situation so you can just focus on loving those people around you and enjoying your time with them. Now if you are comfortable talking about your journey living with HIV and your family is open to having that dialogue and that discussion, then this is a really great awesome opportunity to be able to educate and let family members know what life is like for someone living with HIV. You can tell them your anecdotal experience. You can let them know about things that you've learned about the latest research and science and the hope that's coming out for possible cures, how great the medication is today, how far we've come, things like PrEP or you can teach them about viral suppression and being undetectable and how when you're undetectable you're no longer sexually transmittable and how that's been accepted by the CDC and the US and the World Health Organizations. Many, many countries around the world it's just an accepted fact in the science community and just let them know about all the great, amazing, wonderful advancements we've made and how much of a good outlook we can have on life with someone living with HIV in today's world. Now, you made it through the holiday season, you made it through your time with your family and now it's time to reflect and if things didn't maybe go as planned maybe now is the best time to reach out to that family member or family members and talk to them about what made it so trying and what made it so difficult for you and talk about maybe how in the future you guys would be able to appreciate and enjoy the experience with each other better than you were able to this time around or if you guys had a great experience, everything was amazing. I think it's an awesome idea to reach out to family members who are especially there for you and supportive and loving and let them know how much you appreciate that and how much that meant to you and really encourage and support the behavior that they showed you during the holiday season because the more that they know you appreciate that and the more that you support that, the more likely that they're gonna continue that on into the future and know that it really means a lot to you and that it really helped bond you guys as a family. So these are just some quick holiday tips for those of you living with HIV. Honestly, a lot of these tidbits of advice apply to people who are LGBT. I got a lot of these ideas from looking at suggestions for people who are LGBT and how they might deal with their family and I just applied that to someone who was living with HIV. I think a lot of it translates for both scenarios. Be sure to keep that in mind when you're visiting family. I know the holiday season is basically over right now but you can keep that in mind for the future or for birthdays or for other holidays as well and if you're open to it, go ahead and share with me like what was your holiday experience like? What is your experience like with your family? Does the topic come up? Does your family know? Are they accepting? Are they supporting? Are they loving? Or is there some awkward tension there? Is there some stigma or some prejudice there against you because of your status? Please let me know in the comments below. How do you deal with it? What is your thought process? Do you have friends and family support? Let me know. All right, guys. That's it for now. I'll see you guys soon. See you soon.