 Good afternoon Fairfield parents and welcome to today's webinar We're all very excited to have you joining us today, and we're even more excited to have Harlan Cohen here with us He is a college life expert advice columnist New York Times bestseller, and he's here to give you some tips when it comes to navigating the college scene so without further ado, I will turn it over to Harlan and Take it away. Thank you so much. Hello parents Fairfield parents. It's great to be here with you I'm so excited to share at the next hour and Tonight depending when you're watching it. It might not be tonight, but tonight when we are presenting this I am going to be visiting with students so I'm going to have the chance to interact with many of your children and I'm gonna help them because right they've been telling you they need some help right some of them need no help They're gonna need help in the future, but I'm gonna help them now so that when the future comes They're gonna be prepared and you as parents are gonna be totally prepared So you can ask questions, and I'm gonna address these questions at the end of the hour So if there's something I share that you want me to explore a little deeper, you know make a note Send that in and Elizabeth is moderating and she's gonna help me to answer or address these questions All right. I have so much for you. This is five simple rules for college parents I am Harlan Cohen. Some of you are familiar with me. Some of you have no idea who I am So I'm an author. I'm a speaker, and I'm an advice columnist The book that most of you will know me by is the naked roommate and a hundred and seven other issues You might run into in college. It's in its sixth edition. It's On the New York Times bestseller list every summer Hit number five in the education list, which is pretty cool I'm also author of a book the naked roommate for parents only this digs a little deeper because I know as parents You're so involved and that's why I'm presenting this today And I wanted to give you even more information that I have a workbook as well I also travel across the country like I said, I'm gonna be talking to students tonight at Fairfield I was here in the spring and it went over really well So I was invited back again and now I'm here with you So one of the things I mentioned before is I love questions I love interacting this platform is always a little tough for me because I want to see you and I want to be with You and be present. So as much as we can do this, please feel free to share now The reason that I do this is because high school It doesn't prepare students and parents for what happens once students are on campus and once your kids are in college Now high school does a great job getting students into school, but when it comes to actually navigating the transition They don't do a great job. This is a video that I found that I want to share with you that I think really Is a great starting point for this conversation today And So maybe some of your kids know how to sew a button and they're great at boiling eggs And they can do a lot of these things but when it comes to life outside the classroom when it comes to the big issues I find that so many students have a really tough time navigating all these changes and The reality is for you as parents You are a partner in this experience and you have very few resources That's one of the reasons I'm so grateful to be here and one of the reasons that I love working with Fairfield University Is because they really recognize that you are The most important person in your child's life as important as the people here are you really are a first responder And I'm gonna get into just how important you are But the thing is you need to be supported and you need to be Individual who can support your friends as well I should also mention I have three kids. I have a Ten-year-old I have to remember it's been a really it's been a crazy week like how many kids do I have? What are their ages? I have a ten-year-old daughter I have an eight-year-old son and I have a three-year-old son and And I know how important it is for me to have an understanding of what's going on and when when your kids are 18 Man, it's really hard because they kind of shut you out at least at some schools And then the thing is when you try to be helpful, it's it's like those they call you names They'll call you a helicopter parent. I will never call you this to your face I won't call you it at all. I promise Or they'll call you a lawn mower parent mowing people over or they'll call you a Snowplow parent in the winter sometimes. It's like they'll have many other names for you And the thing is I don't use any of those names What I do is I call you the most loving caring and supportive parents who are facing new and unprecedented Challenges and that's who you are the motivation comes from a place of wanting to take care of your kids It's just how can you be the best partner to support them and help them? So I want to help you that's why I'm here with you So I'm gonna move quickly because I have so much to share with you I Want to let you know before I get to the five things the five simple rules I have to set this up because the five simple rules are a product of where we are in terms of being parents and How college life has changed over the years? So what's changed? Okay? Communicating then okay, you'd have a phone connected to a wall, right? If you wanted to cry you had to like really strategize. Where am I gonna cry? Okay now? You could go anywhere not only do you get to hear it you get to see it You get to see that roommate doing whatever they're doing across the bed from your child You get to see it all so you are there in real time, which is crazy I was I have so many stories for you, but I was talking to a student who was saying that that she was crying and she was crying in public and Another student walked up to her and said why are you crying? And she said I'm feeling really lonely and homesick and the girl said I am too and she started crying and then they became friends because they were both crying and that's one of the the beauties of You know being able to communicate in a place where you're tethered and this happened to be one where people weren't tethered but this idea of Being able to share constantly you are in your child's hand You are literally holding hands and because of this instant communication. You need to be awesome at knowing how to respond Social networks then people would sit around and talk. That's how they socialize now It's out of control. You have Facebook. You have Twitter you have snapchat. I'm on snapchat. I don't think you're on snapchat But I probably well, you know your kid might add me on snapchat, which I actually like snapchat And then there's tumblr and there's Pinterest and there's LinkedIn There are so many ways for students to stay in touch Which is good and also not so good because they're getting a lot of feedback that isn't always representative of the true Experience people are having their friends are having so they may think that their experience isn't as good as everyone else is and Also, it's harder to make mistakes when you make mistakes online Everybody sees it. So that's another big issue. It's harder to make those mistakes a bit of advice And I'm a little congested. So if I clear my my you know self, please forgive me It's really great for you to be in touch with your kids via social networks Observing and it's better to observe from afar because if you're interacting too much They're gonna remember you're there But it's really great because you kind of keep your finger on the pulse of what's happening in your child's life You're not spying. You're just kind of a fly on the wall. Okay next News news used to come in paper form now It is everywhere and it is in your face when something bad happens You see it 24-7 boom boom boom boom boom boom boom Most of your kids the vast majority of your kids are gonna be incredibly safe Everything's gonna be wonderful in their life But news can be overwhelming and it can also change how we look at life The reality is most students are safe students are better behaved now than they were When you sorry about that when you were kids, okay, you guys were in college So here's the here's the bottom line here. You see more you hear more and that means you need to know more Parents are first responders, which means you need to know how to respond That's what I want to help you to do So these five rules that I'm going to present these are going to help you to know how to respond And I'm going to get deeper into each rule as we continue in this event Rule number one is get comfortable with the uncomfortable rule number two is don't panic think people places and patients Three their struggles belong to them, but their victories belong to you. Congratulations four apply the 24 hour rule And five ask them. What do you think you should do now? I'm going to give you a ton of information You're going to have access to the replay and I can also share some handouts that you guys can have access to Through email or through a newsletter as well So the five simple rules They're going to help you alleviate stress allow your child to struggle in college Struggling is a necessary important part of this experience Become a better listener and communicator empower your child to find answers and know how to respond when the unexpected pops up because I promise you it will pop up So let's get into these rules rule number one and get comfortable with the uncomfortable We stink and uncomfortable high school is awful and uncomfortable We don't want our kids to be uncomfortable because if our kid's uncomfortable, there's a problem There are two types of high schools those that are really great at allowing students to be uncomfortable and those who don't tolerate uncomfortable Usually that's a reflection of the parents So my problem is that no one told me college could be uncomfortable I went to uw madison an amazing school. Look at this picture. Isn't this gorgeous? Like who doesn't want to go to school here? And I thought I was gonna be an incredible time because that's what I was told and I've had brother eight years old A brother five years old or my parents went to college. Okay This is the same hill in the winter. This was like eight months of the year This was not on the front of the website and the reality is that college can be a storm It can storm socially emotionally physically financially and academically. These are the five big areas and high school Like I said, it's not about transition high school is about a destination Life is transition from birth to the end transition transition transition We're great at search and selection transition We're not good and students don't have the skills to navigate transition and parents They're not trained to be patient to help their kids navigate the five big areas of transition So the first thing you need to do as a parent is get comfortable to be uncomfortable And this means renaming the first year the getting comfortable year if you rename it the getting comfortable year Expectations can still be big But there's a longer timeline and when there's a longer timeline to reach your destination It becomes much easier to be patient to navigate the change and it starts with you that first semester Is a storm it's a crazy storm of emotions And if you get that and if you can be more patient and tolerant and remind your kid about this And let me tell you fairfield's an amazing place. They've got so many resources College transition, it's not an amazing place. Okay, and it's a real distinction every school in the world It can be uncomfortable. I transferred from UW-Madison to Indiana because I didn't know it could be uncomfortable and it shocked me There are five big areas of transition that you need to understand as a parent These are the five areas of transition that we encounter throughout life Now i'm also a syndicated advice columnist and what i've seen is that so many students graduate with a degree and a job But they stink at so many of the other areas of transition. There's the social emotion So i'm sorry, there's social emotional physical financial and academic the acronym is sep fa, okay I'll say it again. I'm gonna look into the camera sep fa It's a horrible acronym But it's one that is True to all transitions in life social emotional physical financial Academic becomes professional sep fa. So if you could think of your own transitions in life This is what you've had to deal with. This is what i'm dealing with We're moving in the very near future. So that's social emotional and physical and financial Wow, we got four coming up. So when you're dealing with transition, you could either face it or you can fight it Now there are two types of people There are those who fight the uncomfortable and during transition your child might face the uncomfortable and you as a parent might fight the uncomfortable These are people who are always looking to blame hate hide Attack anything or anyone that makes them uncomfortable and these are not happy and these are uncomfortable students uncomfortable people So your job as a parent is to really help your child to get comfortable with the uncomfortable Or if you're a grandparent or if you're a guardian, whoever you are, it's really normalizing uncomfortable Now there are those other people in the world and they can face the uncomfortable and it's your job to face it Because when we face it, we can acknowledge the truth We can look inwardly can look outward We can seek answers guidance support And these people tend to be much happier and easier to communicate with So the goal is we want to help you I want to help you and you want to help your child to get comfortable at the uncomfortable Normalizing uncomfortable, but to do that You need to know what's coming. See if you don't know about uncomfortable, you can't prepare for what's ahead This is the equivalent of driving through a storm and not knowing what a storm is It's having no experience on the road and driving through snow. Okay. I've done this the white knuckler I travel around the country. It scares me to no end. I have years of experience driving I know how to deal with these changes, but imagine if you didn't and imagine if no one told you and this is the This is this is the real problem I get very upset when it comes to high school search and selection because we do an atrocious job when it comes to Helping students prepare for social emotional Physical financial it's mostly academic. Okay, and then when they get to this new place and they're surprised And it might not happen their first year could happen sophomore junior senior year Many of them struggle There are some real issues that students as a whole Are dealing with so many students are dealing with emotional issues Over 46.4 of students felt hopeless over the past 12 months Almost half of students half of college students in the most incredible time of their life feeling hopeless And then over 34 feeling so depressed. It's hard to get their work done Let me share a few more of these uncomfortable facts with you And the reason I share this with you they're not to scare you they're to help you to recognize What's really happening? One in four students will not return to the same school their sophomore year 66 percent of surveyed students frequently or occasionally felt lonely or homesick. So if your kid's homesick, yes, you win Congratulations, two-thirds of students feel this 46.6 percent had a hard time getting along with their roommate Over half occasionally were intimidated by professors And 86.4 percent of students felt overwhelmed now Some of you you might find this to be you might find this normal Others, uh, you might be a little surprised Well, here's here's the good news I'm going to give you a template and I'm going to help you and I'm going to help your kids tonight If you're watching this tonight or you know, I will help them depending when you're watching this I'm going to help them to Really get comfortable with the uncomfortable So one of the things that I like to do if you have a younger child or if you're in a place where your child's confused About what to do next I like them to rank which of the following transitions are giving you the hardest time right now Especially if you have a student who's struggling, you know, which of these if it's social emotional physical financial or academic You rank these one to five five being the hardest one being the easiest the ones that are five Well, this is where we need to identify. What's making you uncomfortable? Once we can identify what's making us uncomfortable Then we don't have to panic. We could think people places and patients It's the students who fight the uncomfortable who can't acknowledge you uncomfortable who end up in trouble And it's the parents who don't allow their kids to be uncomfortable that end up escalating problems. Okay You need to be supported as well. And that's why we're here. That's why the family resources are here This is why you as a parent need to make sure that you have your people in places and I'll get to that in the next one Everything is going to be okay. That has to be your mantra. You have to believe it because the truth is it will be okay There's a big distinction between unsafe or uncomfortable Unsafe is when your child's, you know health and well-being is an immediate danger uncomfortable is I'm just not crazy about being in this situation. If you have a kid who's living on campus I was talking to someone else. Listen uncomfortable uncomfortable Yeah, that's part of it without a doubt living with someone when you've never lived with someone That's just bizarre. We we spend our whole lives avoiding strangers And then and then we're supposed to live with one and watch them sleep like look at this is bizarre It's just admitting this is weird and strange and uncomfortable But is it unsafe? You know probably not most of the time and if it is unsafe This is where you have a support staff to help you and your child can reach out to that support staff It's always your child being the advocate, but it's really important for you as a parent to distinguish Is this unsafe or is this uncomfortable and for everybody? It's a little bit different But I think it's pretty clear For you to determine Which one of these things it is and also to help your child to be more tolerant of uncomfortable Rule number two When you face the uncomfortable don't panic Right, you can't panic and your kids don't panic think places people and patients could be people places and patients could be patients places people The three p's the most important part of navigating uncomfortable So just to recap If you can give yourself permission to be uncomfortable and allow your child to be uncomfortable Then you think people places and patients. So what does this mean? Well You and your child need three places and if you are an empty nester you no longer have that place that used to be high school You need five people who could be in your corner and you need to give it a couple semesters Okay, your children should always know that you're in their corner. Here's the catch parents Your kids are not in your corner and I know a lot of you have children Where your best friends have great relationships This is not the time for them to be in your corner your stuff that you're dealing with Find other people who could be in your corner Who can support you and help you and I'm going to give you a great framework Of how you can find the places and the people and how you can be patient So let me go a little bit deeper and while I share this I'm going to talk about the places your children need, but you also need your places as well So Why do you need three places and the reason you need three places is because it always gives you somewhere to go It always gives you something to do and you always have options Students who have no place especially if the place is in the room with their crazy roommate Or their uncomfortable roommate They have no options and when you have no options, that's when you start to panic Without places you have nowhere to go your child will end up online at home or stuck in his or her room You'll end up texting calling visiting or moving in you need your places at home Your places have dramatically changed too my daughter the situation where she had some friends that weren't being so wonderful to her and I Reminded her of people and places. I said, you know, sweetie Where are the three places you can do things during recess where you can find things that will make you happy? um And she thought of the places and then she thought of the people and she told the girls who weren't being kind of her How she felt and she had a plan to put herself in other places every student should have at least three places academic Organizations spiritual. I'll get into that so that you can really be a great director Because if your child's not happy you have to say listen, where are your places at fear field? Where can you sweat play pray live learn lead work? It's a great little song Sweat play pray live learn lead work sweat play pray live learn lead work These are the places where you can do things where you can build relationships Where you can build friendships. No one even tells us how to make friends Right. Can you believe all this stuff that no one ever tells your kids? Like this is why so many students struggle It takes time So if they're if they're challenged remind them, where are your places? Where are your three places? Because we all need places and it's hard and it's uncomfortable But uh, that's what that's what it takes. It's time and putting yourself in places All right and amazing resources go to the website You can also be the person to go to the to the campus website to help direct your student Read the campus newspaper campus newspaper here at fear field university. Read it get an idea of what's going on Check out the website look for info about activities fairs Now listen your kid should be doing these things But if your child can't find their people in places or if they're not into your recommendations, okay Then you can always say hey, why don't you investigate this? Why don't you investigate that? Find the people doing the things that they want to do they could talk to their RA if they live on campus They could talk to peer mentors They have a first year experience class where they have students who are actually in the classroom with them helping them Every week you can say hey, why don't during your first year seminar? Why don't you talk to one of the student leaders there and they can direct you talk to campus guides ambassadors and Again students who are paid to help or volunteer to help This is how they find their places and you as well should be finding your places Use parent and family resources as well take advantage of fairfield university's website take advantage of All of their resources take advantage of the individuals who are here who can answer your questions And instead of asking them to fix problems Ask them who are the who are the people who can help my child where the places my child can find help During um family weekend. It's a great time for you to just check in and actually see the people and the places here on campus So that you can be reassured and you can be a better director Five people why five people someone's always there you're never alone and you always have options I can't tell you how many students get to campus and they have no people and this is me I came to campus. I went to uw madison. I didn't have friends. My roommate needed to be my friend Uh-uh wasn't my friend tried to get into fraternity didn't get a bid everybody got invitations to join but me Uh-uh no friends. I did not know how to find people I had no people other than my girlfriend Then she dumped me her father compared our relationship to a dying puppy urging her to shoot the puppy It's a great wisdom you could use that one if you want um, and she shot the puppy and I was all alone and Had no people the reality is there's always people there's so many people who are on campus who want to help your child Uh The thing is they don't always know to seek those people out It's also very important that if your child's on a team ton of athletes here at fairfield They need to make sure that they have people outside of their team outside of that one place so that they have balance There are people who Volunteer to help there are people who are paid to help and there are people your child can enlist to help People who volunteer appear advisors student ambassadors teammates club and organizational leaders spiritual leaders current students students Um that they meet through social networks Where people they can enlist to help classmates peer mentors student workers Professors teaching assistants coaches experts advisors spiritual leaders leaders on facebook, you know, they can go to any club or organization They can find the students who are Members of this organization friends family and alumni from your high school You see that picture of the facebook page. That is uh fairfield university uh muslim student association and i had a student who actually wrote to me Who is coming to campus and said uh muslim, you know, how am i going to find my places and people And i said well, you know what here you go start here and make this one of your places You guys are surrounded with so many people who can help you and support you your students are totally surrounded So you got it. I mean this is great. You're so lucky, but the thing is your kids. They just need to be the ones to Find these people and you can give them a little nudge a little push. Okay Then there's people to pay therapists doctors counselors nutritionists coaches tutors Advisors staff and support. I always tell students listen. You should have someone in your corner You should have a therapist. Okay, we should be born with therapists because really don't we all need people in our corner Right that we can talk to you should be able to walk into an office just like emotionally vomit just All over someone and then be like goodbye, right? Because you get emotionally vomited on all the time right and don't you think that you need a partner? So someone else who could be emotionally vomited on i do right i do you do So i think that's a wonderful thing if your child's uh dealing with big issues Making it very normal that you should have people in your corner also counseling services here are wonderful And some students want more And need more And for you it's always important that you have these people and that you have your places I could talk to you for an hour just about you you have to think who are the people in your corner Where are the places where you find connection in community? What are you doing to fill you up because the busier you are the less you're going to be consumed with your child's Well-being and you're going to be a much better at giving them the space Patience we are awful at patience. How much do you need? Well, it this this stuff doesn't just happen overnight It doesn't happen in two weeks and it doesn't happen in two months If you get to school and and you're visiting visiting with your child and they're uncomfortable you can be like that's awesome Okay, show them this all right Replay this because they're totally normal 66.6 of students feel homesick. The idea is what are you doing here? How can you be engaged here? Where are your places it could take a good two semesters it could even take a good two years Really, I think at least a year Two years if you think about change think about being on a job think about anything new in your own life It takes a couple years to really get comfortable That's almost half of this college experience and for students who have been in the same community their whole life That's really hard. So people places and patients. We're awful with patients. We're the worst Macaulay's life surprises your child don't panic Remember the universal rejection truth this idea that millions of people will give your child what your child wants Millions will not there's a truth of the universe It says not everybody's going to respond the way I want when someone doesn't respond I don't have to hate or hide I have to get comfortable with the uncomfortable And I have to think places and I have to think people And I have to think patients people places and patients and by the way that universal rejection truth I do a whole I do a whole workshop on college after dark That's about dating and relationships because if you look at dating and relationships big social and emotional risk that we're so afraid of And the thing we're most afraid of is rejection There should be a course on rejection when I retire, which won't that be never I will do a course on rejection because I think rejection is really the key To being incredibly successful, of course resilience, tolerance It's how great am I at no when I dream big how great am I at taking a step in the direction I want to go and continuing on that path knowing that not everyone and everything's going to respond the way I want But understanding that if I have people in places if I have people places and patients I can train to work to be the best so that I can tolerate the universal rejection truth and get wherever I want to go All right There's a lot I'm talking fast, but I got to get through it What's your story if your kid is struggling? If they're not feeling it What's your story because everyone has a story and if your story is that you're miserable and this place sucks and you hate it You know what? That's going to be what happens. Okay. I understand what's happening And I give you permission to feel what you're feeling And you shouldn't clap because that's going to piss them off. Okay. Don't do that. Let's let's be more Let's tone it down. Let's be more empathetic So yes, we I understand these things are all normal. These are these are it's hard to be where you are But you need to tell a story of how this stuff's going to really help you. So what's your may 2017 story? How did you change this? How has this helped you? How did you find your people? How did you find your places? What's your story and you tell the story as if it's already happened It's the end of the year and I had a bumpy start, but here's how I was able to find my friends Here's how I was able to write the things that were making me uncomfortable Tell your story and you as a parent it is so key You have to tell a great story and this is the hardest part Someone wrote me this letter Harlan i'm graduating high school my parents keep telling me they keep getting in awful fights starts with them yelling at me about Not being prepared for college which includes school friends parties laundry laundry. They're worried about laundry They also feel sad because they think they're the reason. Yep, because it's a parent who's worried about I didn't do a good enough job However, I think I'm prepared which is the most important part And them saying this stuff to me is stressing me out. What can I do to prove that I'm prepared? If you tell a story of doom gloom of not having big expectations of your child struggling That will be the story that runs through their head and you will not be in their corner Okay, I know you can be concerned and worried And yes, you want to be vigilant but you have to give them permission To go through this experience and at the same time telling the story of I know you're going to find resources I know you're going to find help. I know you're going to work through it because that's who you are And even if that's not who your kid was You need to tell the story as if that's who your child is now because you are the most important voice in their head Rule number three their struggles belong to them. That's right. Let them sit in it I marinated in my struggles. Their victories belong to you. I marinated in mine because I didn't have a cell phone I couldn't like, you know, terrorize my parents When I was I was so depressed that first year, but I marinated in it. I was a seasoned professional I got through it and that was the power their struggles belong to them But their victories belong to you and you should celebrate these victories You've done an amazing job and the experiences that your child's had in the past those are going to be what shapes their future and You can trust that they're going to make great choices And if they didn't make the best choices, you can trust that they're going to learn from the choices they make And they're going to need that freedom to be able to get to that next place A quick story about a mom who felt like a failure Following her daughter's first night at campus Mom came into this room crying The other parents were concerned. So what's wrong? She said my daughter Overslept She is hungover. We were supposed to meet for breakfast All her stuff still in boxes. She never unpacked and the mom was just she said I feel like a failure I feel like a failure and the other parents in the room said no, you're not a failure Your daughter's just going to live in a room with boxes and you have done everything right You are not a failure. Let your daughter live with boxes. Let her unpack when she wants to unpack Your job is done. Let her struggles belong to her and celebrate all her victories And I think that's such a hard thing and as a parent, I know But being a great parent is allowing your child to struggle Most parents will struggle give them permission. They're going to struggle in this beautiful campus Struggling is a gift and if they don't struggle now, when are they going to and if they can struggle Safely which is people places patients. They're going to learn. So our job is to create the dynamics So that our children Can take big risks healthy risks smart risks risks driven by what they want not what we want So that they can and to make sure that they have the dynamics set up people places and patients That's how they can get where they want to go and that's really this time in college There are a lot of people who aren't really big fans of college. You know, there's a lot of reasons why and you know the costs and And um, just students not having focus or direction and you know, what's the purpose The thing that I think is the most valuable part of this experience is this It's giving them the room To figure out what they want and then the social emotional the physical And working through the financial and giving them the room to do that so that they can get in the habit of thinking Okay, I've got a big dream. It's going to be uncomfortable at times people places patients But there's very few people who really give us that framework So that we can navigate those big changes and to me that transition piece That's the most important part of the college experience so There's a lot of articles you'll read about helicopter parenting giving birth to a generation of entitled victims This idea of if I do certain things I'm going to get this this idea of if I complete certain tasks People are going to want me and I love to turn this on its head. It's what does your child want? You know, I think we get confused with entitled because we set it up that if you do certain things There are going to be other things that happen But I like this. What do you want to happen? What do you want and if you want things to happen surround yourself with people who are doing the things you want to do And over time those things will happen But they're not going to happen right away and they're not going to happen. Certainly because you've done certain things You have to be great homesickness This is a big issue when students are uncomfortable Zoe's homesick steve is homesick. Pete is not homesick, right? The naked fact is that that is going to happen Um, it's a great exercise and how am I going to navigate uncomfortable if you bring your kid home and are like come on home Uh, that's like giving someone with an addiction more of what they're addicted to Celebrate that they love you and love home Make sure that they stay here and this is great that you'll be visiting soon Plan on when you're going to visit plan on when they'll visit and when you're here Make sure that you actually spend time here. I know you might be watching this later on But when you visit campus, it's important to walk through a residence hall It's important to walk around campus because you're gonna see your child interacting everybody. Hey, it sounds like hey And then you'll you'll say I thought you said you didn't have friends and they'll be like, well, they're not really my friends They're just people who say hey, you know, but that's weird. Okay. There's there's more happening So it's great. And then also for you if your child's struggling and navigating change Helping to find those people in places and reminding them. Okay Um, one of the resources I have um, and this is part of my my whole boot camp program I have a hope I'll introduce you to this boot camp program if you're interested But this idea of a naked plan and you could just use this slide When you're talking to your student about what's your story? What's your plan? These are great prompts. These are great questions To help direct them what happened Where are the places that you found help where the people helped you And then having a timeline and whatever they're dealing with whatever problem whatever obstacle This is a great framework to help them so that while they are struggling and while they're dealing with uncomfortable They can work through it with a plan It's easier to let them struggle when parents and students have places When they have people and when you can be patient see the importance of that people places and patients It's too hard otherwise. Um, and it can be really scary when they struggle Listen reserves resist the urge to fix listen. It's hard Ask them if they want help asking is always a shock because if you ask them they're like what you're asking me Um, some students just want to vent some parents are better to vent to than others But ask them do you want me to help you or just want me to listen? Help them identify places to find support help them to identify people who can support them help them to reach out And get help. This is so important. It's it's it's never you demanding answers. It's you Asking the people here on campus who are the people and where are the places? Where your child can get help they need to walk into those offices. They need to be the ones to Articulate what they're feeling and if they don't then they're just going to have to live in the uncomfortable. Remember it's not unsafe It's mostly uncomfortable. And if you're ever worried about safety, there are people who can do safety checks Uh, you can also depending on FERPA if you have a disclosure where you have access to medical records You can uh interact with a health professional if there are big issues that you're concerned about And then follow the next rule rule number four Apply the 24 hour rule Give everything 24 hours when you're giving your child permission to struggle and feel it relax Give the problem time to breathe like a fine wine And if you like alcohol you can drink a glass of wine because the thing is you're not going to uh, you're you're not going to Fix this and and and help them to learn how to fix their problems 24 hours is nothing Right, the problem is either going to be there tomorrow or your kid will come up with a solution Or there'll be a new problem and the old problem will no longer be a problem that you're so busy solving Can't tell you how many parents i've talked to who say I figured out the problem solve the problem. But then my kid forgot about it or there was a new problem We're really impatient. We're awful at patience Some things you can do to pass the time and this is where it's great for you as a parent You can redecorate their room. That's a great project. There's some we're going to be moving soon And gosh, there's so many great websites house and Pinterest Uh, it's so cool. It's overwhelming. And then there's these great shows on hgtv Skydive, I do not like that, but you could be an adventurous parent. Okay Uh, you might want to jump from an airplane with a baggie attached to your back That's not fair. I did do simulate skydive. We did this uh, this fake skydiving where like they blow you up Like they it's cool. Um try yoga find something where you can sweat see a movie Um hang out with your friends. I think you should all have a group parents. You should all have a group where you Can get together with other parents and talk about what's going on If you are still involved with your high school, I love this idea of a year 13 club Uh a parent organization where you can all get together year 13 because it's a year after graduation Um, you could start that and have like wine and cheese or just have cheese or just have no cheese Just meets just go for a walk have a group have your places Of course, and this is really important in case of an emergency and a broken air conditioner is not an emergency Okay, someone actually called the president of the university because our kids air conditioner is broken Right. No, not an emergency. Um, have your child get help immediately Direct him or her to the right person if your child can't get help step in but explain that you're only making the calls Because your child is not able to do it Rule number five practice asking the question What do you think you should do These five rules should be introduced to kindergarten parents. Okay, because These five rules are all about this question. What do you think you should do and when someone doesn't know when child doesn't know And let me remind you give them time to answer. Okay You can ask where are the places you can get help for every problem There are at least three places and who are the people who can help you this idea of Developing a habit. There's a great book called the power of habit I'm obsessed with this book because it's amazing how we can program our brain To perform certain habit loops the deepest part of our brain This idea of this trigger of when I don't know what to do Asking myself the question. What should I do and thinking this is normal thinking places thinking people And then keep asking your children these questions So the relationship you have with fearfield and the relationship that you have with the individuals here on campus It's really about you being a great director so that when they don't know You can always help them They don't know the answer direct them to people in places. Let them be the ones to fix it A lot of you love fixing you love being necessary find other ways. You're so necessary But this is the part where your child has to figure this out And be patient and if they struggle I always say September is the month to celebrate your c's d's and f's and you might be thinking celebrate my c's d's and f's celebrate their c's d's and f's What the hell are you talking about? This is costing us tens of thousands of dollars. We're not celebrating the idea is you celebrate Because you give them the room to find their people in places so they can get help Because if they can address it now by the time december comes along they're going to fix the problem But if they're too afraid to address it with you then they're not going to use you as a resource So this idea of celebrating and uh being patient You know, we want our kids to be successful and sometimes Sometimes they struggle that first year is really hard. It's a really tough year Some students end up on probation Now I don't want your child to end up on probation But that moment of i'm accountable to someone else other than you mom or dad I cannot tell you how many people i've talked to who have faced that moment Who have come back from it more powerful and more intrinsically motivated than ever before Your students going to be successful because successful students are successful No matter where they go and no matter what their course is But this journey of really getting great at transition That's how they become like incredibly successful and self-sufficient And great leaders who can help others along the way Your job is to support listen and empower not overpower and I know this has been a very one-way conversation Parenting is so complex and your situations that you're dealing with with your child Are things I can't even always understand, you know, I can't I can't But I do understand that there's a framework that we can use To help and that's hard and it's a muscle for us as well as parents Rule number five can only be followed by parents who are comfortable with the uncomfortable Know the people in places on and off campus allow their children to safely struggle And are patient enough to apply the 24 hour rule So let me recap this these are the five simple rules number one get comfortable with the uncomfortable Number two don't panic think people places and patients three Their struggles belong to them But their victories belong to you and there's could be so many of them celebrate them It's kind of tongue-in-cheek, but yeah those victories you're amazing apply the 24 hour rule Practice asking what do you think you should do and these are the rules that will help guide you so that you can help your child through this next Part of their life and beyond now. I don't know exactly why you're here Some of you might be excited or nervous about these changes Some of you might Have a child is the first one in the family to attend college. Congratulations. You might be worried about your child making mistakes Yes, they will make some your child might have struggled in the past And I think that's really scary when you have a child Who's made poor decisions in the past and you're really afraid of them making more poor decisions And the reality is they might they probably will but if they have people in places They're going to be okay Then you might have a child that's going far away the distance can be really hard You might be concerned about safety and security on campus It's a really very real concern and if you have any of these questions There are people who can address all of these concerns and it's important your child be aware of these things But I do know that there's one thing I hope that you know that parents, you know, what's coming they're better equipped to alleviate stress director children To the right resources and you can be patient during this time now. I want to be in your corner not just Today but in the future. I'm going to answer your questions in a minute But I want to introduce you to something that I created It's called naked roommate college boot camp for students and parents Because I've seen that high school really doesn't do a great job helping students to navigate Transition so I created this this boot camp and it's live events Just like this videos online resources and the goal is I want to help So that you and your child are supported and that you don't have to make the same mistakes that I made So the way this naked roommate boot camp works Is I run student and parent workshops I hosted one in august It was a pre-college workshop that you'll have access to it was about preparing and setting goals planning mapping out What needs to happen and navigating so if your child needs to be centered I think this is even a better time to watch this Because now it's like okay. I'm here. I get what's happening And that's the problem with so much of this is we don't know what we need till we need it And when we need it a lot of times it's too late But it's not going to be too late because I am proactively working to support you and your child Also parent workshops this workshop will be replayed But I also have a really great pre-college workshop that you'll have access to as well a little different than this But you'll have access to that 24 hour access I'm running some additional workshops. I'm going to be doing a college after dark workshop again Fix it workshop to deal with all of the immediate problems another fix at workshop later in the fall Addressing breaks Thanksgiving things of that nature winter break and then training for the support of taking risks I also have a financial workshop that i'm developing and then if you have a child who is younger Who's going through search and selection? I'm going to be hosting a lot of workshops to help them to really be directed There's modules and lessons that are part of this boot camp. These are additional resources You really don't need to do anything but just participate in the workshops and access the resources if you need them There are also amazing resources like this five parts of college transition This is a really cool worksheet that helps to guide you or your child through the big five changes And helps them to identify their people in places. So it makes it really easy I equate it to having a jar full of coins that are all mixed up and using this as kind of a filter to be able to organize thoughts into really manageable pieces Membership and naked room boot camp includes 10 live workshops college planning workshops track for students track for parents There's a naked roommate workbook I include a lot of that private facebook groups for students and parents And then there are also bonus videos and sometimes I even jump on a call I have a small group of people so I try to be as involved as I possibly can So you get all this and this is the only thing that I do where I charge people for this And you get access to all of the workshops to all the videos. It's lifetime access. It's for your family It's for your kids I'll create some new user IDs if you need those as well and just a one-time payment So if you're interested in this great I would love to be in your corner and continue to be in your corner I will be in your corner regardless And I'm here to answer your questions. Oh, we just added a bonus I forgot about my bonus I'll send you a copy of one of my books if you sign up as well and just mention that you're a fairfield parent And I'll be more than happy. You know what I could do. Here's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna send you both books if you're a fairfield parent write fairfield parent And I'll send you a naked roommate and a naked roommate for parents book So if you're interested in doing that, I'll do that because I would love to get you copies of both of these books The way you sign up is you go to naked roommate bootcamp.com Naked roommate bootcamp.com. It's really easy to fill out I'm gonna leave this up on the screen because I have time now to answer your questions They could be about anything. It could be about the bootcamp It could be about the issues we discuss. Do we have questions? We do have a few questions the first one writing your questions The first one, I know that you had said that you will do a more specific webinar relating to finances But one parent wrote in and just wanted you to kind of speak more a little bit about the line of College parenting with regard to finances how to kind of navigate that situation Where to draw the line, etc. Well, thank you for that and in this webinar It's so hard to just deal. There's so many issues and I am putting together a whole financial Planning webinar, which also is going to include budgeting and that's something that I'm currently putting together. So To answer your question right now The most important thing is that students should have a budget every student should have a budget And they'll say I don't know. I don't have a budget We'll talk to an upperclassman who has a budget the first year experience course remind me of the name of the course again FYE, you're correct. It's your experience. So it's FYE and in FYE Your student has access to other students and you can use that as a vehicle talk to a student in your FYE Ask them. How can I put together a budget? Where do I start? Because there are students who can direct them and they can go to the financial aid office They can talk to their advisor They can talk to someone who's a sophomore Now a lot of times they'll give you an answer of you know, they just don't know where to start Well, you can tell them that's where to start another thing to do Is when they go to the financial aid office is to talk to their advisor and your child needs to have a good relationship with their financial aid advisor If that isn't a great relationship, they need to find someone else. You need to find a match Because it's so important. They need to find someone who's like them. This is what I always tell high school students If money is an issue find someone who comes from a similar dynamic Who's a junior or a senior and talk to that person who's a junior or senior and ask them How did you do it? Okay, because everyone's going to give them the information They're going to share their story. Everybody's got a story. So they talk to those people So this whole idea of people, places and patients It's who are the people who have been there and done it? Who are the people who are paid to help you? Who are the people who could direct you to other people who uh, have gone through this and then places You know your classroom financial aid office Uh, also your advisor if you're in an organization talking to the other members that organization If you're an athlete talking to those individuals talking to the coaches Also, uh having a really good sense of what it's going to cost when I graduate in terms of of loans Of what that payment really understanding what that's going to be like when i'm a Graduate and how much is that going to translate to so i've kind of i'm sorry that i've kind of mashed this into like One little ball I would say number one is budget because the budget's the most important because when your child has a budget That's going to be a frame of reference to then be able to work on all of the other pieces beyond graduation And even if you're paying for it all you're helping budget first semester There are big one-time costs. This is why having someone who's been there and done it Especially a sophomore is incredibly helpful and also um, again you reaching out to the financial experts here on campus And also being part of communities on the facebook group my naked roommate facebook group reach out to other parents write a question Go to the facebook group and say one of the five best places where you were able to get financial guidance Who are the people who helped you most? uh, those questions of Where are the places and who are the people talking to people who have been there and done it? I find it's really the way of hacking. It's a shortcut to get to where we want. Okay I feel like I did a decent job with that. Yeah, great We had a few questions regarding the event tonight Some parents want you to speak a little bit more about that specifically one parent wrote I'm afraid that if I suggest to my son that he go to the Seminar this evening that he won't go because the parent has suggested that he Yeah, you know, isn't that awful when you when you suggest it How about this? How about suggesting they don't go? Okay, you could say I did this webinar this guy did this thing It's happening tonight. I know you're not going to go because I know you don't want to go and um, probably no one's going to go Um, but I wanted you to know so that when you don't go, you know Okay, that's one way like really focus on the don't go And then you could send them a link or send them a video and you could just talk about like and you could say The problem is here's the other you go don't go the thing that really bothered me and talk about what bothered to say You know, he was really honest and he talked a lot about um, like alcohol and sex and it really bothered me And I don't want you to hear this Okay Then now see what we're doing here Uh, but you can mention it in that way and mention mention it because you need to mention it But you could also mention that he also talked about how I don't have to be like how I I don't need to irritate you and you could say have I irritated you like am I being okay So if you also start from a place of asking am I being okay? Because um, I went to this webinar in harland who's doing this thing tonight He really told me all these things. I think I'm doing wrong. Oh my gosh Now it's like you're going to them doing something wrong and there's this guy. You don't want me to see them to see so This idea of approaching it from a place of being like, you know vulnerable And um and being loving And also you can be fun and direct them to not go But hopefully tonight they'll get people who who I think there's a lot of people who are going to go because Um, they're they're offering credit as part of their course um, it's it's uh, you know It's something that they'll be incentivized to go to so I hope they go. It's really fun and uh It's a really good. It's a really good time. This is my third time here in like three years I love this place. This is like I have a good vibe here. I like the students here. This is a good place So hopefully they'll go. Okay, cool. I can call them. Should I text them? Should I text your kid? They'll text your kid. All right. I'll be on snapchat trying to I'm gonna I'll talk about this how parents are so afraid to talk to you to get you to go because they don't want you to Not go so I'll mention this but I won't mention you because I don't even know you okay Two more minutes two more questions, but I'll group them together because they kind of really we had somebody right in They have a commuter student. We also had someone right in Living very very very far away Um and both parents just kind of wanted you to speak to what those experiences are like and Kind of just student engagement in general with these unique populations I think I might even break it into two only because the commuter part and everything I've mentioned is for commuters Okay, I mean the only part is roommates, but eventually they'll have roommates and a lot of times you're their roommate So that creates a bigger problem Commuter students they need to have their places if they don't have their places on campus If their place is in their car or just in the classroom They're not going to be connected and parents really need to understand especially first generation Students that they need to have their places and I'm always a big fan of if money is the issue Then figure out a way to live on campus next year And it's only the only reason to live on campus is because if you're attending these events at night If you're immersed in this world, you're going to feel much more connected Now if you're not living on campus, and that's just not an option Then really making sure they're anchored with that place. Maybe it's a spiritual organization. Maybe it's campus activities Maybe it's student government Then they might say, oh, I don't want to go because I have to work Find a job on campus find a purpose where you can get paid on campus Make being on campus as important as those other things that are pulling you off campus Because that's how they're really going to be immersed Connecting with other commuters being involved with commuter leadership I would say having a role on campus a leadership role gives you a place where you're anchored and it gives you a purpose It gives you something to say to people and it gives you a reason to interact. So that's really important And then being far away being far away physically you're far away But because of technology we're so connected and one of the risks is you want to make sure that you're Having boundaries, you know your child's going to be safe. Your child's going to be wonderful your child is going to be supported one of the risks that a lot of Long-distance students have to face is this idea of the fifth wall of tech technology the fifth wall is The internet cell phones. It's all these things that emotionally I can stay connected to you through technology But physically I'm on campus, but I'm not really here. So really encouraging that Having your communication be limited And at the same time for you being far away when you are here Is really walking around campus is really knowing the places Really being comfortable with these people so that you can be able to direct your child to these resources And the other part is a job jobs are great because jobs really give your children a place to go And people that they're surrounded by so I think that being far away That's one of the things that really force us to be much more patient because we're we're we're and I love greek life spiritual life Really having a connection where they can over time find their find their way so I love this. I hope you've enjoyed this. I'm so grateful that we can have this time together The the one part I love more than anything is interacting. So please visit my facebook page Harlan Cohen or it's facebook.com you you can see it right there. It's on the screen You can follow me on snapchat. You can follow me on twitter And if you're part of that naked roommate boot camp, you have access to me I'm like all over that and I really try and be as responsive as I possibly can Because I just want to help you guys and I want to help your kids. So Thank you all for being here. I look forward to continuing this relationship and thank you fairfield for having me It's been a wonderful hour with y'all. Thank you with y'all all of a sudden from the south. I'm from chicago It's been it's been a great time. Thank you all so much