 Welcome back to Y254 News and my name is Elisabeth Nguena. So when we were on the break, Socratesia was asking me how do what deal breakers are and for those even back at home who may not understand deal breakers, they are their red flags. And now let's get back to a question, should we consider deal makers or deal breakers when choosing a romantic partners, when choosing romantic partners? Or you can also follow this conversation on our social media pages at Y254 channel and at Lizzy underscore Nguena. That is my account on Twitter. So, Socrates, how are you? Fine, thank you. How are you? I'm fine as well. So, well, I promise to ask this is my first question, private. Oh well, first of all, introduce yourself so that I don't want to be the source to be the one who said it. Thank you so much for having me. My name is Private Socrates and I'm happy to be here. Private. Private is a rank in the army. We have senior privates and junior privates and a parent, one of my parents loved the army so much and he had an inclination to the army. So, at around the time that I was born, he had a friend who had passed on during a mission in Sierra Leone. He was a senior private in the Kenyan army. So, I took over his rank before he passed on the senior private. Socrates is a Greek philosopher who taught people to question concepts. Yeah. So, Private Socrates, the highest level of creativity, if you may. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's Satine and also a very unique name because I'm sure you really find people who have the same name as you. Yeah, sure. So, well, Socrates, let's start. Would you consider, do you think it's important to consider deal breakers first of all or the red flags? Well, thank you so much for the question. Perhaps before I give you an answer or my position on the same, the topic relationship has become a very conventional narrative in the current society and a lot of things are happening. It's a major contributor in suicide occurrences today. And all cramps of passion. Yes. And therefore, these conversations that revolve around relationships are very important and they should be carried out with a lot of candidness so that awareness is created. Well, first part to your question, deal breakers and deal makers, very important in a relationship because, you know, when you are getting into an understanding with somebody so that you can share in the lives of each other, that's a serious partnership, if you may, because you are two different people with two different histories, however deep the histories are, but you're getting into an agreement to really share in each other's lives and move forward and create something beautiful and meaningful out of life. And therefore, these deal makers and deal breakers are very important, really have to know why did you suffer certain breakups in the past, what sort of things light the fire in your soul, what sort of things put you down, how bad is your past so that when it starts to come out of the closet, I'm not surprised. So really, it has to be taken into consideration. I also think this is a topic people don't take much caution in, like they're not very careful when choosing their partners. And hence, I think it's very important to be looking at these deal breakers. So, for you personally, what is the one deal breaker that would really put you off and you're like, I like this girl, everything about her was amazing, but this is what made me walk away? Well, personally, people who sweep a lot of things under the carpet become suddenly unattractive to me, however beautiful you are. If I realize that probably you are hiding something that is very important to you and is very significant in our relationship, and then I figure it out myself, you become unattractive. Now, things like perhaps a sickness that you're not proud of, it happens to you, but you don't want me to know, or an ex-partner that probably you guys were in some sort of understanding, but you've carried it into our relationship. Oh, it's affecting the whole thing. The whole thing that you don't want to accept and be open. So basically, what I'm trying to say that for me personally, somebody who's not truthful, somebody who is such a tunnel for you. Yes. And what about there are those, well, truthful is one thing, and there are people who you get into a relationship, but at that particular time, they're not willing to, not willing, they're not ready to be in that relationship. You know, maybe someone is carrying baggage from childhood traumas, they're just things. Well, they can talk about it, and they're not lying about it, but they're just not ready to open up at that time. So what about that? Can you tell such a person now, wait? Now, you can take a break. I can wait for you until you're done sorting your issues. Amma, can you take the mean and then help them go through with it? Well, let me tell you, I mean, why, primarily, why are you getting into the relationship? I mean, to help each other emotionally? Yes. And why would I wait for you to handle? I should help you handle it. I should explore alternatives that you haven't explored as a person, to help you handle your baggage. Okay? So I'm not the sort of guy to ask you or to give you time to handle your trauma and all that. No, I'm the sort of guy indulge me, put me into your scenario, and let's see how we can fix this thing. Because if we keep on covering it up in the pretext that you are not healed yet, it's going to affect me, definitely, because I'm in your life. So from day one that you made a decision to be with me, let me in, and then now I'll feel part of your larger story, and I'll help you out. And even if I don't, the mere fact that there's a mutuality in your problem will make the relationship stronger. So I'm not the sort of guy to, you know, no. So it's in a way, you know, you're out. Okay. And so one of my deal breakers is I cannot date a person who has unresolved past relationships. Well, I feel like when someone has not solved the past, I will be dealing with things currently that I don't even know the source. Maybe I do some, maybe I've not even done something and then they make a big deal out of something that I haven't done, that's maybe their ex did or someone they had relationships with in the past. That kind of, what do you take on that? Because I feel like this is happening a lot in our society whereby people are just battling issues and they move to another relationship before, first of all, dealing with their current issues, with the issues that are affecting them in their previous relationship, I mean. Yeah. Let me tell you something, Elizabeth. One, they may have thought that you're getting into a new relationship. It means that you're opening a new life, a new page in your life. True, true. And for the mature people, they want the best for themselves. And trust me, when you're getting into a relationship that is new, you are hoping that you're going to be happy. Because actually the ultimate the thing we are looking for is happiness. And we are looking forward to those people we are going with, they're going to offer this happiness. Now having unresolved conflicts with your past relationship, it's a deal breaker. But again, it's dependent on the magnitude of that particular unresolved thing that sent you from the past relationship. Again, it depends with your partner. Some people have big hearts. It seems to me you have a small heart because you cannot entertain that. But there's that other person who's got a big heart. And because they're blinded by love, they'll just say like, okay, just come with your baggage and we see what to do. So my position remains the same that at the primary levels of us deciding to be partners, let's really discuss our previous relationship, not the people, but what really sent us out Do you think it's too soon? Like when we just meet and then now the first thing you do is discuss what I'm carrying and you what you're carrying. See, first of all, we see things can work out before you even go to the conversation of the past relationship. Let me tell you, forget about all that. When we are on a second date, it's natural that we will start delving into a little bit of a history. It's not. It's not like the ladies who love the bad, the forward and the fifth and then they can start thinking now maybe. The first relationship is icebreaker. I mean, you, what would you like? What food do you like? What do you do when stressed out and all that. And now the second one is now getting deep into the ice breaking like, okay, you're cute, you're intelligent, you're open-minded. What messed up your last institution? But you know, you might not ask it and you'll be like, okay, now, because definitely this is not your first. There's a former. Definitely you will be like, what messed up that last one? Now, assuming they tell you, well, how exactly do you, how exactly do you drive a conversation? Maybe not just in their past relationships. How do you drive a conversation to know someone in a way that they can, you can tell, like they don't have to even mention their deal breakers because when I meet someone for the first time or rather for a first date, the first thing we're not telling them, I'm at the first few dates, we're not telling them about what, you know, we're not telling about what I don't have or what I think they will not like. It will be first of all knowing them and then also creating a rapport for, no, not a rapport, creating a good profile for myself. So how can I tell that, what criteria do you use to tell that a person may have some of the things that you do not like, maybe it could be about past relationships, it could be a drug issue, it could be, yeah, how can you tell? Now, before I answer you, do you believe in love on the, on first sight? I do not. You don't believe, but you, okay, you don't, okay. And it can happen. It's possible, maybe there's a 0.1 or 0.000 something percent that's, that's, it happens too, but I genuinely don't believe in the other first date. As of I do, now I do believe in it and therefore I'll give you a response on my belief on love at first sight. Maybe you're on your first date with somebody and there's this thing in you, there's this fire in your soul, like now this could be the person, it's pushing you so hard to want to know more and more about them. And with that, if there's a mutuality in those desires, you'll find yourself speaking, because let's say your last partner did not, was not proud of you, okay, and you really hated the fact that they were not proud of you, and you really wanted somebody to be proud of you. You'll find yourself blottering it out like, somebody wasn't proud of me because of one, two, three, four, five, and you'll be like, okay, unresolved issues here. And because it's love at first sight, they'll keep on talking and talking and talking. And you'll know it. I mean, you'll know it. It didn't escape you. Yeah. And now, do you think people, maybe someone can come with a certain deal breaker? Do you think they can change? Do you think there is influence that new partner can give or something personal? Do you think these things changes? Now, and I'm asking after the relationship, maybe I'm coming into this relationship knowing that this is wrong, like this is the only wrong thing about him. It's such a deal breaker to me, but I'm hoping to change this person. Does that usually happen? It does. It does happen because I tell you what, there's somebody who once said that the best apology is to change the behavior. The best apology is to change the behavior that led to that mistake. But you know what secret is? I personally don't buy that. So if you're going to change before we get into this relationship, before we hit it off, first of all, change. Do the change before we get in. Because if you're telling me you're going to change in the process, no, you'll just get used to me and then it's going to be normal and then you're just going to get back to your normal darkness. Like I said before, when I'm walking into a new relationship, this is my now personal. I'm looking forward to being happy. And therefore for me to be happy, I have to change the things that made me unhappy in my last partnership and therefore I have to change. Because I'm looking for happiness now and therefore I'm hoping to get it from this person, this new person in my life. And if I know that deal breaker X and deal breaker Y led me to being unhappy in the last relationship, I have, that is a primary motivator for me to change. And trust me, they do change. The statistics might be low, but they do. So you have a few days, a few lucky ones who, so maybe we have a few lucky people who can change. It seems to me you also have a huge number that didn't. That did, no, no, no, no. Well, it's not, it's nothing personal, but maybe I've interacted with people who are someone promised, when we get into this, I'm going to change. So don't worry about this behavior. Like when someone is concerned about a certain behavior their partner has, and then they address it and then they're told, don't worry, I'm working on it, I'm changing, or they do it momentarily. After they're sure this one is box, that's it all ends. Like they just stop trying to stop. Let me ask you now. You've done the asking too much. Let me ask you now, what are some of these things that the behavior will come back? Give me two examples of these breakers, the deal breakers that once people get to get used to each other. And then, okay, well, fine. First of all, the drug problem. Maybe when you get into that relationship, I addressed first of all, I can, I do not like a person who uses maybe, maybe who drinks or who smokes, and then they will tell you at that time, fine, well, if that's your only issue, I like you so much, or I love you so much, this is something that I can leave. Also, someone can tell you that, you see, people who have and resolve past relationships, they keep saying that, they keep saying that especially insecurity issues and overprotectiveness keeps coming up. And then when you tell them they're like, I am changing, I am changing, 10 years down the line, you're still dealing with the same problem. So, yeah, those are the kind of deal breakers I am talking about. If you love them, you'll change. Yeah, as simple as that. Yeah. Okay. And so I am being told, time is not on our side. So thank you so much, private secretaries for coming. I will invite you another time when we have more time to explore these topics. So thank you so, so much for joining us today. And always remember to, first of all, look at the deal breakers, instead of before you look at the deal makers, because you're choosing a partner, who you're going to have with most of your life, and it is always very important to be careful and to have the right person with you. So that is all we had for today. My name is Elisabeth Ngena and you can talk to us throughout the week at Y254 channel and at Lizzy underscore Ngena that is on Twitter. Thank you so much and bye-bye until next Wednesday. Thank you.