 G'day, g'day. Isn't it great to be an Aussie? G'day, g'day. Reading a terrific book betrayals the unpredictability of human relationships. And no one can force someone to feel betrayed against his will. But it is quite possible to manipulate someone into feeling betrayed, even in the absence of a genuine betrayal. This is the case with Ayago and Othello. Ayago states, I'll pour this pestilence into his ear. Just a few elusive words and the perception of betrayal is constructed. From that moment on, Othello feels himself betrayed and no one can persuade him otherwise. Little or nothing is gone to constructing that perception, but demolishing it proves impossible. So you cannot have human relationships without the feeling, the possibility of the feeling of betrayal. Kind of stalks you everywhere you go when you have other people in your life. If you make an appointment with someone for 9am and you've got a busy schedule, you've got everything locked in and then they don't show up till 9.30, you're probably going to feel a little bit of betrayal. And all human relationships are unpredictable. We never fully know somebody else and people change. So the proofs of supposed betrayal, be they genuine or false, take on the look of truth precisely because every gesture and every word is interpreted through the perception of being betrayed. So if your most powerful experiences of your childhood is feeling betrayed, then you're going to take that suspicion into all of your relationships and then massively increase your chances of experiencing betrayal because you're going to look at things through that prism. You're constantly being betrayed so you're just expecting it to happen again and thereby you're more likely to bring it about. It is impossible to prove faithfulness or loyalty, impossible. So I've been a blogger since 1997. I've often blogged about my personal life so some people, it is paranoid that I might blog about them and once they get that idea into their head there's nothing that I can say or do and there's no faithfulness and loyalty proof that I can ever offer to assuage that nagging doubt on their part. So I've found it's best not even to try. You can't prove faithfulness or loyalty. On the other hand it is always possible to find or construct proofs of infidelity or betrayal. Believe is a conviction that is based less on proof than on the absence of contradictory proofs. To prove faithfulness, loyalty, filial love or friendlier faction would require confirmation of everyday reality. It would involve proving something that normally has no need of proof. For that reason there are no instruments, no ways of proving faithfulness or loyalty. Anything, the use of a particular expression, a tone of ways of glance can be interpreted as an expression of abandonment and a confirmation of supposed betrayal. Love Los Angeles in the morning, it's a fresh and clean out. Beautiful day, NFL season about to start. To perceive an action, a gesture or a statement as a betrayal induces the hero to reinterpret, hence to recast the entire past of the relationship and the light of that betrayal. So you can have this wonderful relationship, but then in the end you decide to break up with a girl to reinterpret everything that you guys have experienced in the light of that betrayal. What has occurred or what has part of a history and a relationship becomes attributed to the perfidy and the ill will of the betrayer, the ingenuousness of the betrayed. Hence it is seen as the act of just one person. Can we speak of betrayal if the person betrayed is never aware of it? Certainly not. If betrayal is based uniquely in awareness. So this is what Shakespeare states through Othello. He that is robbed, not wanting what is stolen, let him not know and he is not robbed at all. Okay, we're on page 20 of this excellent book. Betrayals, the unpredictability of human relationships by Gabriella Tannatturi. If we regard betrayal as a form of relationship. We cannot deny that even if one, if only one of the subjects is aware of it, the betrayal nevertheless changes both the relationship and the individuals. The betrayal is there, it encumbers the relationship even if it is perceived and experienced as such only by the person who violates an implicit or explicit pact. That is by the person who shatters the relationship of trust. Although the betrayed part in an individual or group is still unaware of the betrayal. It does not attempt to perceive it as such. The one doing the betraying either attempts to distract attention by assuming an attitude of greater secrecy or defensiveness or else tries to hide a sense of guilt behind an aggressive stance. The betrayal is cave your toward the other changes which creates a change in the betrayed as well and modifies the relationship. The betrayal always takes place in the context of a relationship. You can't feel betrayed by a stranger. All it takes to introduce a change in the relationship is for one of the parties to that relationship to acknowledge the betrayal even if only internally. Conversely, one can feel betrayed even if the other or others do not perceive themselves as betrayers. So it's an entirely subjective feeling. There's no objective test for betrayal. It's just something that you feel or don't feel. The betrayer can feel or trap consciously or unconsciously by contradictions inherent in the human mind deceiving himself and imagining himself only to be loyal and faithful. Betrayal is perceived only by the betrayed but nonetheless leave it to mark on the relationship. Once the other is perceived as a betrayer even without explicit accusations and proofs or admissions the relationship necessarily changes. One of the subjects can change slowly or suddenly modifying his ways of thinking about himself or about the Jews. I'm narrating his views and of not relating only to the other but to the world of large. Anyone who is undergoing phases of change tends to eliminate routines and habits that had become rules of behavior and he thereby abandons the universe of shared meaning. So when I change the format of this show, loyal viewers will undoubtedly feel a sense of betrayal. Welcome to Beverly Hills guys. The fact of the change appears to the other as a betrayal because it erodes or reliance on what had been certain or mutual understanding within the universe of the habitual. Person who changes becomes unpredictable even unrecognizable for the other. Yeah so when the confidence critique came along other people on the show were just gobsmacked that I accepted this and changed it seemed to them on a 180. And everything that we held in common all our routines of thought were blown up. And I became unrecognizable to the other people who I'd regularly stream with for years. Change moving away from routine is perceived as a form of abandonment. You change your life. Other people are used to the bitch away as you do things kind of feel abandoned and betrayed. As if the changed person had chosen a route leading outside the we leaving the we by the wayside. This change is experienced as a betrayal not only within a pair connected by love or friendship. But also by a group or community that finds it difficult to accept that one of its members might adopt new parameters of judgment. So let's say every morning you go to a Talmud class at 7 a.m. at Shul A. And then let's say your your work schedule changes. So it's now more convenient for you to attend Daph Yomi morning Talmud class at say 6 a.m. which may require a different synagogue. So you start going to the 6 a.m. class with a different synagogue different rabbi and the people in your original 7 a.m. class are going to feel betrayed. What was he leaving us for that other synagogue that other rabbi that other class. Now what did we do wrong. This change is experienced as a betrayal. Every change is perceived as a threat to the status quo and brings with it the suspicion of a possible betrayal. Rebetrayal is an unexpected break that subverts implicit or explicit rules to people form expectations of us. And because people only have so much time to think, they're not going to spend all day thinking about us. They just have certain expectations, certain fairly simple expectations. And if we violate them, there's a very strong possibility that they will feel betrayed because you have changed outside of what they expected. I don't recognize you anymore is the accusation most often thrown at the presumed betrayer irrespective of his intentions or concrete acts. Okay, I'm back. Beverly Hills, Wilshire Boulevard. Just one minute. Okay, that's all there is. Okay, we're back. Wilshire Boulevard, Beverly Hills. Love that morning light. Okay, I don't recognize you anymore is the accusation most often thrown at the presumed betrayer irrespective of his intentions or concrete acts. Any change comes to be equated with betrayal. Even though we all change something of ourselves in the ongoing process of everyday life. So because we are often changing, it's inevitable that other people are going to feel betrayed at times. Any change comes to be equated with betrayal. Even though we all change something of ourselves in the ongoing process of everyday life and the construction of our own identity and our relations with others just as we tend to conserve certain other things. So our relationships contain the possibility of betrayal. Perhaps the greatest tragedy of human condition springs from the utterly unrationalizable and constantly shifting mixture of the stable and variable elements of our nature. The individual continually moves in new directions in an incessant exploration of the self and the world. This is why he can occasionally drift away not only from relations that seem destined to last forever but also from parts of the self that are no longer considered meaningful or that are changing. In doing so, these new interests turn us away from earlier conditions with a sort of unfaithfulness which is neither quite innocent since there exists some bonds which must now be broken, nor quite guilty since we are no longer the persons we were when we entered the relationship. The subject to whom the unfaithfulness could be imputed has disappeared. Often the chef within individual from one self to another is perceived as betrayal. So when I converted to Judaism, people from my Christian upbringing frequently experienced it as a betrayal. They no longer recognized me. When I changed the topics that I blog about every day, my loyal readers often experienced it as a betrayal. If I changed my approach to topics, my loyal readers would often experience it as a betrayal. If I changed my synagogue, people at the old synagogue may experience it as a form of betrayal. If I changed my girlfriends, my ex-girlfriend might experience it as a form of betrayal. If I leave one job for another job, my old job employer might experience it as a betrayal. So the individual continually moves in new directions in an incessant exploration of the self and of the world. This is why you can occasionally drift away not only from relations that seem destined to last forever but also from parts of the self that no longer consider meaningful or that are changing. So I could have a morning routine of yoga and then switch instead to a two-step meeting and the people that I used to see regularly at yoga may experience that change as a form of betrayal. Often the chef within an individual from one self to another is perceived as betrayal. The betrayer's fault is to have become different and to be moving forward alone rather than in synchrony with the other. Only when change in the other is accepted and welcomed as a challenge to redefine oneself and redefine the relationship is change not perceived as betrayal. But for that to be possible, the one who has changed must not hide the fact but rather involve the others in the change. Betrayal is asymmetrical. Betrayal is the locus of asymmetry between our expectations and reality, between the image we have of the other and the other, between our sensibility and the knowledge that the other has of us, between our reading of gestures and words and what those gestures and words were intended to communicate, between the rules implicit in a certain interaction and the breaking of those rules between moving along and staying put, between the one who changes and the one who refuses to change, between attention and inattention. Which one has moved outside the relationship? Which one has changed or which one has stopped following the other's development? It's no longer really paying attention. This is the book. When that happens, is the betrayal not perhaps reciprocal in the sense of mutual abandonment of the relationship? Reciprocity is annoyed by an asymmetry in the two parties' perception of betrayal and also an asymmetry between the fast pace of change on one side and a slowness to focus on that change on the other. So betrayal is asymmetrical, right? When someone leaves you to have a relationship with someone else, you're going to feel betrayed. Feel the person's just excited about their new direction. Oh, I love all these palm trees, bro. Love all these palm trees. Beautiful Beverly Hills. In betrayals, the timing is never well-synchronized. For the person who is aware of betraying, time can seem extremely long and often he deliberately accelerates, putting an end to what seemed like an endless process. The person who discovers that he is betrayed, everything happens in an instant, right? We get the perception that we've been betrayed and boom, just an instant. So these are the types of things that get said in such instances. Why didn't you tell me right away? How could you have hidden a secret for so long? Why are you telling me this only now? The betrayed almost always says or thinks these things. They express the hurt inflicted not only by the betrayal itself, but by an awareness of time expropriated, time stolen, time removed from common experience, time of which the betrayed was unaware that you were changing. Yep, when you change other people to whom you are significant, they're very likely to regard that change as betrayal. The one who betrays has a different perception of time, tends to isolate the betrayal, setting it apart as an interruption. A rupture of a continuity that can always be picked up again. The betrayer often asks in good faith, what does one betrayal mean in comparison with the lifetime together founded on loyalty and fidelity? For him, the time of the betrayal is not part of shared time, but rather belongs to a parallel time that cannot be measured. Harold Pinter's play Betrayal, the play in which all the characters betray one another. The only thing that seems to count morally and emotionally for the various characters is how long the reciprocal betrayals have been kept secret and how long they have gone on. The hurt seems to be inflicted not by a betrayal of ties of love or friendship, rather by a protracted time period filled with secret gestures, furtive acts and unsaid words. So in the instant we experience betrayal, we then tend to reinterpret everything that's gone before in the relationship. The time thought to have been centered on a common wee, to have been imbued with shared meaning, a common act suddenly appears meaningless and not subject to measurement filled with unknown acts that occurred at undetermined moments. A person betrayed can no longer reconstruct the time they had spent together because there were moments that he did not participate in the experience. We're getting deeper and deeper into Beverly Hills, guys. The temporal sequence of those acts no longer coincides with the betrayer's time. Betrayal time appears to be at once too long and too short. The one who has been betrayed, the other has lived a double life of infinite reverberations. One a time of presence and the other a time of absence. Here's the book. This is what is meant by the expression to live a double life. It refers to this double time, one time of being fully present or not of being here but also of being elsewhere. The one who betrays with a magician's slate of hand makes all the time supposedly lived together suddenly disappear. And the betrayed is left cheated of that shared time. This explains the sense of loss. Not only I don't know what I'm doing here anymore but also I don't even know where I was then. Finally, the passage of time can mitigate the effects of the betrayal and its importance for both the betrayer and the betrayed. Any individual defines and evaluates betrayal differently according to the context in which it arrives, the life phase he is going through. Something held to be an unpardonable betrayal can come to be seen as merely a stupid deceit or a necessary rite of passage. What it seemed unjustifiable can be revisited with greater tolerance. Betrayals that in one phase of our lives would have seemed to us unworthy and extricable can seem almost innocent in another phase of our life. So that's alluding to the old saying time heals or wounds. The passage from adolescence to adulthood for example often brings with it a different attitude toward an evaluation of the betrayal. Adolescents cannot think of themselves either in the present or future. Adult life is betrayed or betrayers because identity is constructed through relations with others hence through trust. Adolescents unfeelingly condemn betrayal which seems them not only a threat to a fundamental ethical order which actions and judgments or inscribe but also a serious threat of abandonment. In adolescence we demand an absolute loyalty and total faithfulness. Precisely because the adolescent identity is still fragile feeling oneself part of a we is fundamental. Self affirmation. Adolescents are emotionally more exposed to feeling themselves betrayed. So remember that I think 1986 movies stand by me. So at the end of the movie the writer says I've never again had friends like I had in eighth grade. Does anyone? So our peers, our friends are more important to us between the ages of about 11 to 25. And then after 25 if you're a normal person you're at your family that you build becomes more important. Okay where are we? Oh we're on Robertson. Here we go guys. Okay this is a very classy street. Every promise unfulfilled, every secret disclosed is experienced as an enduring wound when adults who have been trusted or unconditionally admired fail to live up to ideal expectations. The adolescent feels profoundly betrayed and abandoned. Life for this big city. It's only about 65 degrees here in Los Angeles. We're heading for a high of 80 degrees today. It's the first full Sunday of NFL Sunday. I'm going to get home and subscribe to NFL Red Zone on my sling cable TV subscription. Cowboys play the giants at 125 today. With greater maturity these betrayals will be evaluated differently and unless they become fixed in the young person's awareness as traumatic events they'll be seen as necessary to growth in the formation of personal autonomy. Primal trust, the trust established in the first months of life can be undermined by an excess of frustration but also by an excess of gratification leaves no room for the child to learn to trust himself. The child who is never disappointed will not learn to tolerate waiting. The quality necessary in every trust based relationship. So I wonder what celebrities we'll see here on Robertson Boulevard this morning. Man, I've got to develop my own line of products like Alex Jones, like male vitality enhancer. Early trust must be shattered if relations are to evolve and that a crisis or rupture characterized by betrayal is necessary if the individual is to learn to distinguish between the self and the other, hence to both trust and mistrust. Learning to trust, learning that we can be betrayed a part of the formation of the individual. The experience of betrayal thus enters into the socialization process. It's a necessary part of growing up. It aids loss of innocence and leads to understanding that we are all exposed not only to the risk of being betrayed but also to the possibility of becoming betrayers. Betrayals great and small appear as betrayals only years later in a phase of identity redefinition. Acts that had seemed insignificant come to be reinterpreted in the light of sufferings undergone or inflicted on others and through a richer story of experience and self-narration they suddenly appear as betrayals. Betrayers and betrayed thus become so not only in respect to the other but also in respect to the various narratives of the self that everyone constructs in different phases of life. Yeah, through I used to say I cannot live walk for hours a day or walk two hours a day, read four hours a day in you that you can accomplish both with one stone absolutely and stream. So accomplishing three things getting in my morning walk, reading a book and I'm life-streaming. Life is good. In literature and in history from Judas to our own day there are no positive figures of traitors except for Flavius Josephus who is credited with using betrayal for good ends. Josephus remains a controversial figure among Jews to this day. Jews who think about Josephus seem to split approximately 50-50 on how they think about him. Josephus was in charge of a small army fighting the Romans around year 66 of the common era and he just gave up and turned. He and his group just surrendered to the Romans and he was granted his life and he was granted permission to write and so he wrote his histories of the Jews about 2,000 years ago. That's one of our sources of information about what life was like in Judea and the history of the Jews from 2,000 years ago. Needless to say he did not have a PhD from a prestigious institution. Okay, here are the copperers. So, how do I get around this? Shakespeare portrays Richard III not only as ill-intentioned and cruel but also as a monstrous and deformed person not to be trusted and marked by nature with the sign of the betrayer. Even psychoanalysis tends to treat betrayal as a pathology in a widespread notion that some personalities are more inclined to treachery than others. Leaving New York's never easy Really into that REM song these days. Betrayal is presented in psychoanalysis as deriving from events in a person's past or from defective socialization. As a symptom of a disturbed personality as a symptom of disturbance it can be treated, mitigated and avoided. It is paradoxical that psychoanalysis which arose as a science of ambivalence and the unspoken Okay, here we go, guys. Get in a little cardio in the morning. Nothing like cardio in the morning or on Wilshire and Robertson Boulevard. And which a century ago shattered the myth of a transparent self-awareness should take refuge in pathology where betrayal is concerned. Although it is true that betrayal can take on pathological forms and be manifested in some individuals as a compulsion, something they cannot help doing repeatedly to consider it uniquely as a psychological disturbance makes the thousands more everyday betrayals in which we are all now the betrayed and now the betrayer completely incomprehensible. So there was this Holocaust survivor who was haunted by nightmares every night and he was a famous writer in Israel and around 1970 he heard of a psychiatrist who was treating this kind of trauma in Holland. So he went to Holland, met with a psychiatrist who prescribed him LSD. So the Holocaust survivor took the LSD and he had this stunning realization that in one context, yeah, he would be the concentration camp victim and the Germans would be the guards but in a different context, say vis-a-vis the Palestinians, he would be the concentration camp guard and others would be the victims. See, none of us are immutably marked out by the rule of heaven to be victims or victimizers. Some contexts, all of us could be concentration camp victims and in other contexts, all of us could be the equivalent of concentration camp guards. To consider betrayal uniquely as a psychological disturbance makes the thousand small everyday betrayals in which we are all now the betrayed and the betray are completely incomprehensible. To treat betrayal as a symptom in a disturbed or suffering personality reduces it to the act itself to one person's choice and removes it from the relational dimension. All betrayals take place within a relationship. You cannot be betrayed by a stranger. You cannot be betrayed by someone who means nothing to you. You can only be betrayed by someone who you value. If you don't value someone, there is no possibility of betrayal. So, pathologizing betrayal denies betrayal as a product of relations relationships. Now, some scholars will call betrayal an ordinary vice but it's one of the most common acts in everyday life. Robert and Joyce Hogan show how traitors and imposters are almost always people with admirable characteristics intelligence, social poise, self-confidence, charisma and charm. Although the Hogan's do not adopt the idea that traitors are necessarily deviants they nonetheless attempt to define the capacity and the desire to betray and limit those to a few personality types but we all betray. As long as we're in relationships we will inevitably at times deceive others feeling betrayed. Feeling a betrayal is entirely subjective. Does Luke ever take a day off? Yes, I take the Sabbath off, mate. So, betrayal is a hyperbolic word. Here we are at the All Horace Man School. Betrayal is a hyperbolic word that we use when other people have different priorities than what we expected. As we can never fully know someone else we will always feel betrayed at times. The more relationships you have the more people will betray you and you will betray others. The more you care about others the more vulnerable you will be to feeling betrayed. The more others care about you the more vulnerable they will be to feeling betrayed. Let's say I took a week off from streaming and perhaps some of my loyal viewers would feel betrayed to feel let down. Like, what the heck? What the heck, guys? Using psychoanalysis psychology or sociology to trace constants typical of the figure of the betrayer or the trader still reflects the need to think of betrayal as something that can be circumscribed and predicted. Hence, to think of a propensity to betrayal as something that can be diagnosed subjected to treatment or avoided. Such luck. We're all locked in an iron cage together, guys. There's no escape. There's no escape from feeling betrayed at times. There's no escape from leaving other people feeling betrayed. Beautiful sunshine. Social science is much like literary narratives end up exercising betrayal by describing and delineating the figures and the personalities of betrayer. Figure of the betrayer can be predicted so that can its mirror. So if you have high expectations for the people, you're going to constantly feel betrayed. I remember Dennis Prager used to say on the radio that he never once had felt betrayed. Then around 1998 he said that only one person had ever betrayed him. I wonder who that was. And then about 12 years later he said only two people had ever betrayed him. So these people people whom he had befriended and then he'd felt let down. I remember there was one guy who was the first to to tape Dennis Prager's nationally syndicated radio show and prepare these tapes for sale. And he ended up suing Dennis Prager for breach of contract, something like that. I've got the details on my Dennis Prager biography on my Luke4.net website. Person betrayed is described and classified as having a weak personality and as ingenuous, excessively trusting or overly generous. Some personality types are much more likely to feel betrayed. So I think the amount of times that you feel betrayed is an indicator of how much reality you live, of how mature you are. If you're constantly feeling betrayed you have excessive expectations for others and you're not living in reality. Reality means we can never know other people fully and accepting that we can never control other people's choices and that often their priorities will be different from what we expect. So I remember I took off work early one day to go to a movie with a friend. So I gave up like two or three hours of work which would have meant a hundred dollars or so of income for me to go to a movie with a friend. When I got home I got a message from my friend that something had come up and he couldn't make it. So I was annoyed but my friend had other priorities. Maybe he had a pressing work obligation he needed to take care of someone in his family or there are all sorts of things that can come up. So as a single person it's kind of I found it's often hard to make plans with married people because oh I have to pick up the kids or my wife's sick I have to look after the kids like that. Plans are much more liable to change than when you make plans with a single person. Also it's often hard to deliver it their home to carry on a conversation because their kids will constantly interrupt you or barge into the conversation so once a person gets married with kids it's much harder to have uninterrupted conversations or to make plans with the person because now they have other priorities right their family normally typically will come first and so all your well lay plans very likely to dissolve even this description is oriented toward exercising fear of betrayal because it leads us to think that all we need is wisdom, acuity, intelligence and a proper balance between trust and distrust to avoid being betrayed. If you care about people you have relationships and you make plans people even if you're highly selective and sagacious you're going to end up feeling betrayed. Concept of betrayal is the product of individual will because in fact much more tranquilizing than is contrary that is that betrayal arises out of interaction if you interact with others you're going to feel betrayed. Betrayal arises out of the formation of relations in which the individuals involved do not always succeed to maintaining conscious and coherent control to suppose that predetermined figures of the betrayed and the betrayer exist everyone can avoid betrayal through the exercise of will or by submitting to psychotherapy it's obviously more reassuring than the thought that we can all become betrayers or be betrayed according to our interactions and to the parts of ourselves that those interactions bring to light. But if betrayal is just as much an integral part of social life as loyalty is why is it so feared why does it always bring such suffering? So use of the word betrayed like this very intense hyperbolic expression of deep pain probably it is the relational nature of betrayal that makes it so feared always in all circumstances betrayal involves the rupture of a pact the negation of the principle of cohesion and a threat to the possibility of all relations whether one betrays another individual or a community the act implies breaking some form of social bond above all and on the symbolic bulletin it negates the principle of cohesion on which ties, bonds and loyalties rest precisely because betrayal threatens the survival the relationship or of the group to the social order most to be feared it is the most significant social symbolic break to be betrayed by someone awakens the fear of also being betrayed by others if not by everyone when a we is shattered we fear that every other we of which we are apart might collapse uncertainty takes the place of all previous security and everything seems fragile, precarious and illusory betrayal is a traumatic experience that destabilizes identity because it throws into crisis with interpersonal trust and trust in oneself betrayal is the most loaded with emotions of all subjects only love which often accompanies has the same complexity and emotional force as betrayal you really have to love someone to feel betrayed by them if you are indifferent to someone they cannot betray you betrayal is from the most trivial to the most grave inevitably bringing their train a web of emotions that affect the betrayer and the betrayed equal measure betrayal the narratives of betrayal owe their emotional impact to our perverse fascination betrayal always catches all parties of it unaware even when it is deliberate betrayal always finds us vulnerable it bears our fragility and our dependence even within our proclaimed autonomy we suddenly find ourselves at the mercy of others deceived, marked, defrauded of portions of our identity and of our life the others robbed us of trust they have stranded us right in the middle of what had been a shared experience once we have been betrayed by friends, lovers, spouse parents or children we can no longer pronounce the we the we has been annihilated it no longer exists makes no sense to refer to it the I betrayed and the you betrayer remain irremediably dissociated and separate confusion, a sense of lost moorings and solitude accompany the immediate awareness abandonment to be betrayed means to be abandoned to be betrayed means to be abandoned we are forced to erase the image of ourselves that we have constructed together with the other the image of the other that we have created and the image of ourselves as part of a shared experience betrayal is a devastating experience because it forces us to redefine ourselves betrayal forces us to raise questions about the other person and about ourselves in combination with the other who are we now that we are alone and abandoned how do we begin to tell our story and where do we begin why have we been abandoned I love that morning sun isn't that magnificent for all the negative emotions that the anger rage resentment's gone hatred resentment betrayal always inevitably sets off negative emotions turned inward toward oneself what have we done to deserve this death blow that's what we think when we've been abandoned what have we done to deserve this death blow okay guys we're walking through the slums of Beverly Hills so gonna try to be alert ready for any threat here this is south side Beverly Hills man things can get dicey around here to be betrayed denotes an immediate loss of self-esteem we feel ourselves diminished going even guilty of having in some fashion done something to merit betrayal we can slip into self pity and depression we soon develop an image of ourselves as a victim incapable of discerning or understanding what goes on around us as well as an image of the other is unfaithful and wicked in accounts of women's reactions to betrayal in love one woman says I felt like a fool I mean if you're half smart you're supposed to know something is wrong in other states I wanted him dead at least there is some dignity in being a widow third adds that she feels as if her life had been declared worthless everything that she had had everything she had believed in suddenly meant nothing wandering around her house the previous night she looked over 15 years of memories and shared history pictures photos furniture that suddenly seemed to her rubbish waiting for a garage sale the way these betrayed women tell their stories highlights how resentment toward the other is accompanied by a loss of self-esteem or sense of annihilation so resentment that will destroy your life and if you're feeling betrayed you'll inevitably feel resentful how do we deal with the resentment so first of all you make a list of everybody that you resent every institution every individual and just make that list in column one hey it's what 8 a.m. here in Beverly Hills not many people are up and about 8 a.m. on a Sunday a long list of everyone that you feel is betrayed you everybody that you resent just keep writing down all the names that you can think of but really you only need to do like the top 10 or the top 20 for your most powerful resentments if you want to economize on time yeah I got a flex bar in my back pocket man I'll whip it out should the need arise then in column two you write down what did they do to you to resent them make a long list just work that list all the way down through everyone that you resent write down what they did and that already begins to narrow your resentment so now it's not the totality of the person that you resent it's uh it's what they did then in column three you write about what did they affect what part of of your your being was it your finances was it your social standing was it your self-esteem was it your social relations which part of your life did they affect most negatively then column four is the most challenging what role did you play alright maybe nothing maybe 50 percent maybe 25 percent what role did you play in this interaction that caused you to so resent this person so for me maybe I wasn't wasn't fully honest wasn't fully open I had undue expectations so as we write out each column we find our resentment starting to melt away first we narrow it from the individual to what they did then we narrow what they did to why did it hurt us so much what part of our life did it hurt and then we look at our own role which is incredibly humbling because we almost always play some role it's like a slip and fall accident okay you sue someone because you slipped and fell like on an open pit on a sidewalk as you're walking through Beverly Hills so let's say I slip and fall and I sue Beverly Hills because they left like an open pit in the sidewalk that I slipped and fell into well it's always comparative liability if you slip and fall you always played some role you always have some responsibility in a slip and fall okay so you may have 25 percent responsibility 50 percent 75 percent like I should have seen that hollow in the sidewalk even though I was live streaming and distracted well that's on me so all slip and fall cases are cases of comparative liability the other party 50 percent at fault, 25 percent at fault 60 percent at fault even if let's say they're 25 percent at fault so most of the fault is on you but still you suffered $250,000 in medical bills may still be economically a good idea to sue them because 25 percent of $250,000 is $62,500 so maybe a reasonable amount of coin on the other hand Tony Robbins says don't file personal injury lawsuits it's not worth it which is the mindset of a victim because to maximize your economic return from personal injury also you have to maximize the damage that the slip and fall did to your life so you start thinking about all the ways you've been damaged you slipped and fell and you had a concussion and that caused you to be impotent and so you're adding to your lawsuit a cause of action loss of relations with your spouse and then it caused you to have headaches and you got fired from your job so you want to add on loss of earnings now to your claim and then your economic return from a personal injury lawsuit will be largely based on on how much you treated so typically in a personal injury lawsuit let's say the other person is 100 percent liable then it's reasonable often to look for like three times your medical expenses as the ultimate settlement so that gives you an incentive to treat more you treat the more your medical expenses you'll have and a lot of treaters will work with you on a lean basis so if you get $10,000 worth of medical treatment for your slip and fall then your case is worth potentially say $30,000 if you get $5,000 then your case is only worth about $15,000 and may not even be worth it for many personal injury law firms to handle well resentments in life is like slip and fall there's always there's always comparative liability right you never 100 percent innocent or almost never right you usually play some role in creating the situation that gave rise to your resentment and then when it comes to facing okay here's the parts of the interaction that weren't my fault where I was the victim so to speak and you have to look back on your own life and see did I ever do anything as bad and if I did other things that are as bad do I want understanding and compassion from other people for all the bad things that I did yeah so just as we want understanding and compassion the bad things that we've done to others so to other people deserve our compassion and understanding and when you reach that level of understanding that there's really nothing that other people have done to you that's worse than what you've done to others then it becomes much easier to extend them understanding and compassion because you want understanding and compassion for yourself then when you complete that process you'll find that almost all your resentment has just disappeared all your conscious resentment has just gone away and any resentment that remains then then you can just pray for the person pray that they have health, wealth prosperity ease, joy all the things that you want for your life if you pray for them that they should have those things then your resentment goes away so let's say someone says something in the chat right now that triggers me and I hate them that's going to close me down from the path of prosperity it's going to close me down to producing the high quality content that generates those super chats so I don't want to close down that channel and ease and joy so it's important for me if someone triggers me in the chat to pray for the health wealth and prosperity and ease and joy and all the things that I want for myself pray that they should have those things then my resentment towards them starts to disappear because you can't really pray for someone and resent them at the same time and then channels to quality content and prosperity have opened up again so if you go through life filled with resentment just like you're blocked off from prosperity from joy because all wealth or prosperity comes from relationships with other people resentment will cause you to act out in your addictions whether it's drinking or drugging or illicit material on the internet or numbing out to Netflix or it leads to acting out resentment blocks you off from prosperity resentment blocks you off from having easy connection to other people and all prosperity comes from other people connecting with other people in some way more resentment you have the less prosperity you'll have in your life the less ease you'll have in your life the less joy by almost nonchalantly interrupting the routine of daily life and the tranquil flow of emotions betrayal unhinges the self-image because it breaks off its narrative betrayal hurts us because we had this image of ourselves as like oh now I am Joe's friend Joe's an important man if I'm friends with Joe that means I'm a good guy then Joe breaks off the friendship more of the friendship than I was able to deliver and then your whole self-image has been shattered so never ask more from a friendship than it's able to give because you'll resent the person they will resent you for asking more than what was appropriate for you to ask there'll be resentment on both sides likely followed by betrayal and abandonment being betrayed is an experience that cannot be located in temporal continuity it is an interruption life comes to be related in light of that shattered continuity there is a before the betrayal and an after it this experience of life interrupted is accompanied by a perception of a shattered self that can tell its tale only in terms of the wound received in the break long after the event anyone who has been in a betrayal of this experience seen as supremely significant and fundamental to the self paradox of betrayal is the fidelity which both betrayed and betrayed keep after the event to its bitterness this creates negative emotions turned alternately toward the other and toward ourselves we oscillate between a desire for revenge and accepting our own guilt the anger and the rage unleashed by betrayal or emotions somehow reestablish our self respect and preserve our dignity as a person betrayed redefines himself as someone who does not simply undergo an interaction but rather controls it by passing from the role of victim to that of protagonist the betrayed must work hard to pick up the thread of the narrative again overcome the trauma of the interruption this is only possible through an acknowledgement and acceptance of the betrayed self through denial reacting to betrayal by betraying less in turn denying all that had happened before by refusing to recognize oneself or the other leads to an even more profound devastation of one's own identity because it involves self betrayal when we don't act in fidelity with our own values with our own standards we betray our self sometimes we'll be tempted to betray our self to maintain friendship when someone speaks with the emotions connected with betrayal we immediately think of the person who has been betrayed almost as if the betrayer felt no emotions why is this so commonly shared image of the betrayer's ill-intentioned and cruel as someone who acts only on the basis of personal interest excludes the possibility that somebody might also betray simply because the very idea of betrayal elicits excitement and emotions bye bye