 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com, and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the six secret thoughts a man has when he's into you. We're gonna talk about those six secret thoughts. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love, and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions. By no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations. All right, let's talk about those six secret thoughts a guy has when he's into you. All right, if you know my format, usually I have a little bit of content to share before I get into the meat of the topic. And I've been thinking about something that's been rattling my head for a bit. It's a woman on one of my Facebook posts says, why is dating so hard? Why is dating so hard? Why is dating so hard? Now I think she has most likely a traditional expectation of what dating should look like and that's part of the challenge. So I wanna address something that I think is really important to recognize. And that is dating is a relatively new phenomena. It's relatively new. You think about it, Neanderthals are 200,000 years old and when Kate people got together, there was 10 men, 10 women, that was it or whatever the number was in their tribe. And you made it with whatever was there for you to mate with and as humans evolved, they started to be more tribe oriented. So let's say your tribe was 30 people, 15 men, 15 women. I mean, there were some elders, there was some children there and you basically made it within that group, okay? Then we started to move into villages and it started to be a little bit larger. There could be several hundred people in the village and you mostly made it with someone you knew and you did that for survival reasons. In fact, literally up until about 50 years ago, women oftentimes had to pick men purely based on survival reasons, okay? Basically because men were the predominant, well, they were the hunters, they were the providers and women took care of the children. So there wasn't really a lot of dating up until about 100, really up until about 50 or 60 years ago. I know many of you women love the idea of the pride and prejudice. Well, I want you to think about the movie Pride and Prejudice. Darcy said all of about 10 words to Kira Knightley and then he professes his love. I mean, where could you do that today? If someone in 10 words says they profess their love for you, you would think they were the Tinder swindler, okay? So that narrative and by the way, that was a great movie. You had two gorgeous women, Kira Knightley, Rosebud Pike, or Rosebud Pike or Rosebud Pike, I can't say her name properly. They wanted the richest, wealthiest men in town, they got them. But what about one of their friends who got stuck with the priest? He was a pain in the ass and why did she get stuck with the priest? Because she had to accept the crumbs because that's the way it used to be. Oftentimes up until a couple of hundred years ago, most women just had to settle for whatever they could get so they could basically be taken care of. So when I hear the conversation, why is dating so hard? Well, think about it. It used to be when we lived in villages and tribes, we knew everybody, most everybody wasn't a stranger. Most everybody wasn't a stranger and today our tribes are, we aren't in tribes, we aren't in villages. We're barely in any sense of a community or family in most cases. So it's no wonder it's a shit show out there because we're meeting total strangers and when we don't know anything about a person, we don't know their values, we don't know their lifestyle and more importantly, we don't know their emotional maturity, it can be rather dysfunctional. And the fact is, and I know women, it blows me away, how many of you think as a man gets older, he becomes more emotionally mature? No, by the way, you women are no picnic either. Let's just be clear about this. There it's just as many dysfunctional women out there as there are men. And there's just as many women with weak relationship skills as men. So this idea that men are emotionally unavailable and you women are just a bunch of princesses that should just sit back in your feminine energy and be claimed, by the way, when I hear some of my contemporaries telling women to be claimed, I want you to think about that. Being claimed is basically saying you are property. That's an old terminology. And let me tell you, that ain't gonna go over very well in the Me Too era these days. So, or at least that's my perception anyway. So I think it's important to understand that the reason why it is hard is because we're swimming in a sea of strangers. This is why I continually recommend reading the book by Malcolm Gladwell, talking to strangers, what you should know about people you don't know. In fact, my whole private coaching program is all about pre-qualifying your prospect because the reality is, when you're meeting, listen, I was listening to a dating coach on a TikTok video today. And she goes, don't interview a guy on a date. Don't interview a guy on a date. Don't interview on a date. Just make it fun, make it fun, make it fun. Have a bunch of fun dates. What's your day doing? How's your day going? Did you have a good day? Folks, dating purely for fun sets you up for the biggest failure in your life because here's the problem. When you hyper-focus on chemistry, and if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, when your chemistry is the tip of the iceberg, when we hyper-focus on chemistry and attraction and romance, which is above the waterline, we aren't paying attention to shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. So you can have all the fun you want, but what happens is the minute you have sex with a guy, you get hooked and then you're fucked because you might find out that the two of you don't share the same values. You might find out your lifestyles aren't compatible or worse. This guy is completely, he's got issues with his ex-wife. He's got drama going on in his life. He's got, you know, he's still in love with his ex-wife or his ex-girlfriend. Do you really want to wait till you've been hooked for that to happen? But Jonathan, all the dating coaches tell me to sit back and let the guy do all the work. Listen, you can do that. Sounds great. If you get lucky enough to date the emotionally healthy man, but let me tell you something, the vast majority of humans are ridiculously dysfunctional. And yet, it's funny I say all this. And yet there's the, you know, it's funny. When it comes to love or healthy relationship, it's the broken clock syndrome. It's right twice a day. In other words, your odds are two out of 24 that it's gonna happen. Seriously. At best. That's at best. It's funny cause I was talking to my dearest friend the other day and he's in a relationship now going on. I almost want to say a year and a half and he's genuinely, I mean, he's in love with her. And you know, I mean, to talk to him about it and he's a true mensch. I mean, he is a mensch, you know? And I've got another friend who's getting married and I've got another, I mean, I've got so many of my personal friends in great relationships. So I know it does exist. And I have now, by the way, if you listened to my last couple of broadcasts, I have four clients in the last 16 days and actually a new client. So I want to say five. She's brand new to my coaching program and she met really a great guy. I gotta tell you, there's something about my coaching program. It's like the minute a woman makes an investment in the program, all of a sudden they become a magnetic attractor to great guys. And this one woman was just telling me what this guy has done by their fourth date. And I'm in awe. I'm like, fuck, I want to marry this guy because it's not Tinder, Swindler, romance shit. It's kind conscientious stuff. And he even said he'll read the book eight dates before they have sex. By the way, ladies, you know my rhetoric. Before the penis goes inside the vagina, read the book eight dates by doctors, John and Julie Gottman, gotta read it. Before you let that guy fuck you. I'm sorry, you may not like my words, but I'm trying to illustrate a point, stop being so naive to this process and start being in charge of your relationship destiny. It is not the man, by the way, men are terrible at leading the process. We lead because we want to get laid. Sure. But after that, we're fucking cool. Most guys are clueless. They're winging it. They're winging it. They're winging it. They really are. And I want to just tell you to all, listen, read the title of this book. Shut up, stop whining and get a life. This is a great book by Larry Wingett, but stop fucking complaining about the process and start taking charge of your destiny. Because that's what love would do. That's how love would respond. This is one of the reasons why I'm a big proponent of everyone doing personal development, self-help and spiritual work. If you haven't read my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway, it's gonna prepare you. It's not a dating book. It's a book to prepare you for life so you can let the, you know, don't sweat the small stuff kind of shit and really tap into your heart. By the way, there's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me to get a copy of my, or to get my book and everything. So before I share these secret thoughts, I've been thinking a lot about commitment lately. Do you know the definition of commitment in the dictionary? The definition of commitment. Well, let me backtrack for a second. I'll give you the definition in the dictionary or at least in Google. But you know, it's interesting. Most women think of commitment as a safe place to land. That's where women tend to think of commitment as a safe place to land. Do you know the average dysfunctional guy thinks of commitment as a restriction of freedom, as a restriction of freedom. Isn't that interesting? Women look at it as a place, safe place to land. That's what it means to feel safe and to guys, it feels like being trapped. Isn't that sad? Now I said dysfunctional guys. I literally know 20 men who are in awesome, juicy, delicious relationships. And when I look at the characteristics of them, compared to the shit show many of you are out there dating, they all had one thing in common. They were very intentional about wanting to be in a committed relationship. Ladies, I'm gonna give you a hint here. Ask a man before you ever let that penis inside your vagina, ask him, what does commitment mean to, ask him what it means to him, what does it look like? And I'm gonna add a new one. Ask him what commitment feels like. I was listening to a video with John Gottman. He said, ask a man, what does commitment feel like and pay attention? Because the guys who are dysfunctional will curl up. Oh my God, commitment, that's the last thing I want. But you want my fucking vagina? Ladies, I don't mean to make it about sex, but at the end of the day, the minute you have sex with a man, you bond with them. Oxytocin is released in your body and then you're fucking stuck. Or worse, you chose someone like one of your parents to heal a childhood wound. In other words, how many of you ladies have daddy issues that were un, and I'm, listen, I'm not to disparage you whatsoever. But what I mean to say is, you weren't loved by your father so you choose men who will not love you hoping daddy love me, daddy love me, daddy love me. That's the little kid inside saying, please love me. And by the way, we men have the mommy issue of wanting to be loved. Believe me, there's a picture of my mom and dad. My mom was, listen, lots of great qualities. And I'm totally gonna disparage her right now. But she was a slight borderline narcissist who used to emotionally abandon us whenever she got mad at my dad or one of my, myself or my siblings. And as a little kid, I'm like, mommy, why did you abandon me? And so I oftentimes chose women in my life that were also emotionally avoidant. This is why I have a little bit of an anxious attachment style. If you're not familiar with attachment style, I highly recommend checking out the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. But Jonathan, all you're doing is recommending books, folks, you wanna change your life for roughly 150 to 200 bucks on Amazon. You could probably buy all the books I recommend and you can fucking in one year, absolutely change your life. I didn't bring up the book. I've been talking to a client today about Brene Brown. If you aren't following Brene Brown, look her up, Brene Brown, daring greatly. This is the kind of shit you should be doing. Fuck that reality TV shit. Fuck the Instagram accounts and start working on oneself because if you wanna be in a juicy, delicious relationship, then become the kind of person you want and become that so you can attract the guy you want. All right, told ya, I kinda ramble a bit before I get into the content. So let's talk about those six secret thoughts a man has, that's my notes. So, you know the first one, it's not really a thought, it's an action, but what's really most important is behind the action and what a man does when he's into you, he looks you in the eye, he's looking in your eyes. A man who genuinely is into you is gonna look in your eyes. You know, I'm gonna illustrate something in a second. I once went out with a woman, she was talking to me, or I was looking at her, so I went the camera here, but this is how she was looking at me. She was talking to me, but she was looking here and that felt so disturbing. I will tell you, when a man is into you, he's gonna look deep in your eyes when you communicate and you'll notice when a man stops being into you, he won't quite look at you because there's this disconnect happening. When a guy is into you, he's gonna look into your eyes. That makes sense. And by the way, you should be doing the same. Now, I don't mean into your eyes like this. By the way, what color are my eyes? Anyway, so, number one, he gives you eye contact and people are not into you don't do that or people that lose interest stop looking you in the eyes. Okay, number two, now this is gonna sound a little corny but he wants to be friends with you. This is a secret thought, but he wants to be friends with you on social media if he has a social media account. He wants to be friends with you on social media and he wants you to ask him instead of the other way around. Now, again, this is the healthy guys, dysfunctional guys. They might wanna stalk you on social media. They wanna look at every picture. Oh, wait, shit, I do that. Okay, but I still wanna be asked. So that's that secret thought for those who are into social media, they'll be thinking about your social media and quite frankly, because it gives us a picture of who you are. I mean, these days our social media accounts are like our personal national inquirer. I'm gonna repeat that. Our social media accounts are like our personal national inquirer. So, but a guy will do that. I know I'll do that. So maybe I'm unique to this. Maybe not all guys do that, but a big chunk of guy, a big percentage of guys will wanna look at your social media. Okay, number three, here's the thing. When he wants to be your boyfriend, he'll actually be thinking about it. It's a thought he has in his head before he says it. And you'll notice it by the way he's being attentive to you. By the way, his actions match his words. You'll notice it that way. When a man is consistent with his action matching his words, he's thinking about wanting you to be his girlfriend. And so that's a secret thought he has before. He oftentimes doesn't blurt it out. He wants to test the waters just to make sure you're on the same page. He might throw out a little trial balloon. Sometimes men do that with marriage. They throw out a trial balloon just to see how you respond to that. But that's certainly a secret thought. When he's into you, he wants you to be his girlfriend and vice versa. Number four, okay. This is probably not good and it's good, but he gets jealous. He gets jealous when you're talking to other men. He gets jealous. Now, here's the thing. Men are territorial. And I'm not talking about jealousy where they go into some sort of rage, but we definitely, men tend to covet our women. And when we see a man talking to someone, another male, we're gonna get a little bit jealous. Now, I once dated a, I mean, this beautiful, successful, I mean, multi-millionaire woman, and she had guys hitting on her all the time. Didn't bother me one bit because my feeling was she's going back to bed with me that night. So I didn't feel any jealousy of that. But if a woman, but when she did talk to a man a little bit more, it felt out of the normal. I'd say a little bit of jealousy crept in, even though I knew I was gonna go to bed with her that night. And that's just a secret thought we men might have. And I know ladies, you probably feel the same way when the guy you're with is maybe talking to someone that you might think is attractive for him. So it's a very common thing that this happened, okay? Number five, okay, here's a secret thought we have. When we really are really into you, we'll be thinking, how does she fit into my life? How do we fit into each other's lives? Like we'll be thinking about that. Will she be able to fit into my life? Can I fit into her life? I mean, that's a thought we have. In fact, Allison Armstrong, a friend of mine, she's got the PACS program. She says, she calls it cut and pasting. I call it trying it on for size. This is where men oftentimes will say things like, oh my God, it'd be so great if we went on a trip and we did this or that, but that's what they say out loud. But their secret thought is, could this woman fit into my life? Can I fit into her life? And again, a lot of these things, you don't even know that we're thinking about this, but think of all the things that you're thinking about that the guys don't know about. This is just a very common human thing, human beings do. And we think about these kinds of things when we're into someone, and last but not least, last but not least, most guys wanna play it cool. Most guys wanna play it cool, this old, if there's this saying, who has the upper hand or the hand and men are taught to be, play it cool. In other words, not show that we like you more than you like us, okay? But when we're secretly, we want you to like us. We want you to like us. That's the secret thought. And how we demonstrate it, coming back to what I shared earlier, it's the effort we put in. We will actually put in extra effort when we really like you because we want you to like us. It's just, that's how humans feel when it's a really good connection. The problem with dating is oftentimes this imbalance that happens, especially as I said before, because we're dealing with strangers. This is why, again, before you have sex with a guy, I'm all about, the reason why I'm recommending this book again is because Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. It creates that intimate conversation that the two of you can have. And by the way, if you're not familiar with the book Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters, I highly recommend checking it out because humans are thirsty, men and women alike are thirsty for emotional intimacy. In fact, I was listening to a podcast the other day that talked about, we are in an intimacy famine right now, famine, how do we spell famine? We're in an intimacy famine. And so, when a man really likes you, we might act like we're playing it cool. But the reality is, is we're gonna show through our actions. And it's not about taking out the fancy dinners or anything like that. That's not the action I'm talking about. It's paying attention. I shared the story a while back, but I was in a relationship with a woman and I went to her home and I noticed that her favorite bottled water was penta water. Do they still make penta water? And when she came to visit my home, the action I had was to make sure she had the bottled water she liked. And so, when she came in and she said, do you have any water? And I said, yep, and I pulled out her favorite. She was like, wow, you paid attention. You noticed. She was very grateful. It's the little things men do. Even though we might act cool, it's the little things, not the big things that matters most. In fact, in any healthy relationship, the Gottmans talk about this, it's all the little things that matter the most. As much, I mean, the big things are important, but it's those little things that you demonstrate that care and love. All right, is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, those are the six things a guy is secretly thinking about when he's into you. Did this resonate with you? If it did, give me a thumbs up or give me an amen in the chat box. All right, it's time for Q and A. By the way, if you're familiar with my Q and A format, there's a live chat box going on right now. You have a question, write the word question, post the question there after, or you can purchase a super sticker, super chat like the young lady did earlier in the broadcast. All the monies from the super sticker, super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley, that's him right there. That's my son who passed away a few years ago. And in his honor, all the monies from the super sticker, super chat goes to the scholarship fund. And I donated to causes like the Hoffman process and Insight Seminars. Check out InsightSeminars.org, an amazing organization for yourself to get some real, their Insight One seminar is all about awakening the heart. And I gotta tell you, that's what love would do and that's how love would respond. So I will invite you all to tap into that place into your heart by checking out InsightSeminars.org. All right, time to check out the Q and A board. All right, looks like we got a couple of questions already from Cindy. So bear with me, I'm gonna clean my glasses and we're gonna get started. By the way, if you're listening to the audio portion, you won't be able to see any of this. So I'll do my best to read these articulately. Oops, there we go. Question. Can you please share how I can show a have not comfortable enough to receive my care and love? He may feel he has nothing to offer but he is so special and I want him to know. How can I show a have not? Cindy, I don't know what a have not is. So what is a have not? Please clarify that for me because I don't understand what that means. Thank you for sharing though, I appreciate it. I don't know what a have not is. Does anyone know what a have not is? I think if you're saying you're must habs, I don't know if that's where you were going, but. All right, let's go to Heather. Hey, sweetheart, question. My son's father and I still get along extremely well. He'll probably remain friends long after our son has moved on his own. How do I deal with possibly jealousy while dating? I love this fucking question. I love this question. Let me explain why. Heather, I want you imagine you're talking to a man and he's talking about his ex-wife. And he's like, oh my God, my ex-wife's such a fucking bitch, he tried to take all the money from the divorce. She's been hiding the kids from me. I mean, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She's just such a wicked human being. I can't stand her. She's filth, she's dirt. She's a despicable human being. How attractive is it to hear that? How attractive is it here when somebody throws their ex-partner under the bus? Now I'll give you a different example. If you asked me about my ex-wife, I'm gonna say that we had a contentious divorce, but we found our way to get back to a place where we're not necessarily friends, but we're certainly friendly to each other. There are plenty of moments where we spend time with our children or our one child now. And we found that place to peace. Which one is more attractive? The guy who bags on his ex-spouse or the one who says I have a friendly relationship with my ex? Folks, any man who gets jealous about a friendly relationship with an ex is a man with a very small penis. Let me repeat that. He has a shriveled up penis that is so insecure and he's most likely incredibly dysfunctional because he has deep-seated childhood wounds and traumas or adult traumas in his life and he's never healed it. How attractive is that? To be with that small penis guy who, by the way, I'm shaming him, that's not right. Let me apologize, I shouldn't shame him. Let me be clear. Anyone who has an issue with you being friendly with an ex-spouse is a person that doesn't value the fact that being friendly with an ex-spouse is a lot fucking better than being contentious with an ex-spouse. Gotta get that off my chest. Heather, did that make sense? I hope it did. Thank you so much. Hey, Jenny, our RN. Hey, sweetheart, thank you for the 1999 Super Sticker. I really appreciate it. All right, did that make sense, Heather? I hope it did. Oh, here go, let's go back to Cindy. She had her question. Part two, a have or have not? You referenced in one of your recent videos, a have not being something one described yourself. I'm still not, okay. Certainly it's important to have what's called your must-haves. And what I mean to say is, let me just say this, honesty, integrity, and trust, those are given. You don't need to ask for that. But what about aligned in your shared values? To me, that's a pretty close to a must-have, blendable lifestyles with one another. That's a must-have. My most important must-have is she has to be into me. I have a habit of choosing women who aren't into me. I go out of my way to try to convince them to like me and it never, ever, ever works. Even my ex-spouse told me she didn't have chemistry with me after 15 years of marriage. That fucking sucked. And by the way, I'm not throwing her under the bus. It's just, we were kids. We didn't know what the fuck we were doing back then. So now my must, and my cannot-haves, I'm just not in a place where I wanna be with someone who doesn't wanna, who's raising children in their lives. I mean, I'm an empty nester. I want to time to play with someone. I'm the days in front of me are shorter than the days behind me and I wanna play. So you have to decide what the must-haves and your, I gave you mine just to illustrate it as a point. You have to decide what that is for you. So I don't think I can answer that question for you. You have to decide that for yourself. What are your must-haves and stick to it? All right, great. Thank you for that question, Cindy. I really appreciate it. All right, Rita writes, how much communication texting should be done in the beginning stages of dating? You said play it cool. What does that really mean? All right. I'm gonna show you my knitting a quilt, okay? Knitting a quilt. Okay, quality of communication. The further two people live apart, the more, okay, you live far apart, the more communication you need with each other. The closer you live together, it can be very short limited communication because you can see each other more frequently. But what's more important is the quality of communication. So the farther apart you need more communication to feel a sense of safety in the relationship. So what's most important, that's the time when you're apart, okay? Let me go back to this question. Playing it cool though. Playing it cool is more about gauging the other person's excitement for you and matching their excitement with theirs. In other words, what you don't wanna do is, okay, let's use it this way, okay? Let's say you feel like this, but he feels like this and you're trying to, that space in between, that's called drama oftentimes. If you're trying to pull him up, playing it cool means coming down to their level and basically playing, you invest at their level and he invests at that level and you see if you can grow from that level. But playing it cool means if you feel more excited about them than they do you, then come down to their level. And what that means is maybe you don't text 24 times a day, which is quite possible, what could happen, or you don't create that expectation that he must text you a lot. I'm using texting as an example of playing it cool. And don't overly compliment him. In other words, I want you to think of it like two cars driving down the street at the same speed, okay? It's commensurate with one another. What you invest in him and what he invests in you should be like you're driving. But if his car is stalled, that's not about playing it cool. That's like, do I wanna be with someone in a stalled car? You wanna be traveling at the same speed. Is this making sense? I'm trying to help you understand that it's not about giving more than they give you. That's what playing cool is all about. And coming back to my knitting a quilt for communication, think about that as well. All right, Rita, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, Christina writes, what's the difference between getting someone and being in love with someone? That's a really great question. I think getting someone is getting them in bed. That's the way I think getting them, getting them to be in your life, okay? Or typically in bed. Being in love, so, you know, being in love, what's that line in the matrix? Being in love isn't something that you can really describe. It's just, you know it when you feel it. And the hard part is a lot of people love people in their lives, but being in love, at least my perception on this, is that intangible. It's that wow factor, that thing you can't place your finger on it. It's just something about being with this person makes a difference in your life. And I don't think it's really being in love until both feel, see, here's the thing. I think both people have to feel that. The problem is one person feels it and the other person doesn't. It's like a plus and minus sign, you know? Or it's like a positive and a negative. You know, it doesn't work. You both have to be positive. And it's an intangible. I think when one person is feeling it more, it's usually an unhealthy attachment to that person. Being in love is not, see, if I'm being really honest with everyone, I have thought I've been in, I'm thinking of the line from Sex and the City, by the way, now that Mr. Big has been canceled, that fucking sucks. I only sucks because I mean, I don't, I anyway, I don't wanna get into that. But I loved in the first episode of Sex and the City when Carrie asked Big, have you ever been in love? And he says, apse a fucking Lutely. Love that, apse a fucking Lutely. I thought I'd been in love, but it's not real love unless you're, it's not really in love unless you're both feeling it. And when one person feels it more, oftentimes I think it's unhealthy attachment. I'm not sure I've ever really been in love. I've had unhealth. I've loved several women in my life. Don't get me wrong. I've genuinely cared and loved them. But I think it only really counts when you're both feeling it mutually. That's just my perception on it. So everyone has a different feeling on this. That's just giving you my two cents on it. So I hope that helped a little bit. Christina, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. Hey, I want to thank 10113, where is that? I got to find that. All right, she says, Jonathan, maybe you just project neediness. You're the best already. I might project a little neediness. By the way, 10113 reminds me of TH113, which was George Lucas is one of his first films and the license plate in the movie American Graffiti, which was a George Lucas film, is TH11138. But his movie was TH1138 with Robert DeVall. Anyway, so anyway, I saw your code and that made me think of that. So, you know what? Do I project neediness? Probably, I probably do. I think part of it is, you know, COVID fucked me up. I mean, being alone for two years, for two straight years has been very, I'm experiencing an intimacy famine. I'm experiencing an intimacy famine. So I am feeling a bit needy. I also have an anxious attachment style. So I have a propensity to be needy because my mother was an emotional void and I'm like, mommy, will you love me? Mommy, will you love me? Mommy, will you love me? It was like, don't get me wrong. My mom had some really great qualities, but I also had a fucked up childhood. My dad used to beat the shit out of me. I grew up in that era where that corporal punishment was very common. Even a school teacher took a ruler, I mean, once it to my hands and once upside my head and as a third grader, that's a fucked up thing to have happen to you. By the way, my coffee mug says, don't make me go all psychorumate on you. Many of you think I go psychorumate on these videos. By the way, I'll change the subject real quick. Do you know how many people ask me, why do you color your hair, Jonathan? Folks, I don't color my hair. I do have gray here, right here. I do have gray here. I don't color my hair. I got lucky and I'm in my fifties. Thank you mom and dad for that. So, but thank you for your kind compliment and thank you for the $20 super sticker. I really appreciate it goes to the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. By the way, folks, oftentimes I mentioned Connor, that's my oldest son, Colin, really quickly moved in just 200 yards away from me. I've got to see him five days in a row since Saturday. Do you know what a joy it is to be able to see your child on a regular basis? We've been getting a jacuzzi every day in the mid-afternoon hanging out. He's got his own home-based business. I've got mine, so I'm very, very, very blessed. By the way, these are mixtiles, mixtiles.com if you wanna check, I don't get any endorsement for them, but that's why these pictures change every video. All right, time to keep swimming. Rita says, amen, thank you so much. Let's see what else we got here. Oh, we got a lot of comments. I am gonna try to keep up. Mel Carter says, Jonathan, you're absolutely adorable. You are well-read and you have a high IQ. You seem comfortable in your own skin. Folks, I was a train wreck for much of my life, so I am thankful and believe me. It's taken a lot of work and it's taken doing the Hoffman process. The Hoffman process. I did a deep dive into healing my childhood wounds and traumas and my adult traumas so I could be in a position to be able to. One of the most amazing things that's happened to me in my life is something called awareness. Awareness of my emotions. And what I mean to say is awareness of the thoughts, the negative thoughts that have created the negative patterns in my life. And so I have a script that's been playing since I was a little kid that I'm stupid. I'm stupid. And while I'm sharing this with you, because I'm sure many of you have a script playing in your head. I don't know what it is. Mine is I'm stupid. And what's interesting is when that script begins to play, I go into a very righteous mode. And so I nicknamed this character in my life Stupid Righteous Jack. And Jack is a nickname for John or Jonathan. And it comes out and what's amazing. Remember I mentioned awareness so I invite you to really look in your life and when you catch yourself being in that space of entitlement, righteousness, comparisons, judgements, guilt or shame and just witness your own emotions. If you can go outside of yourself and witness your emotions and go, what the fuck am I doing? And sometimes this happens to me on a daily basis, but certainly I am blessed with an opportunity to be able to witness my emotions. Most people have an armor around them. They have an armor around them. They are riddled with childhood wounds and traumas because they haven't really understood how to talk to the voices in your head. This is why if you wanna change your life, get the book The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. By the way, Jonathan recommends books is all listed below. This will help you talk to the voices in your head. By the way, chapter, this, by the way, heads up. Only read one chapter at any sitting. This is like, this would be like reading a book covered in molasses, swimming in spaghetti and you're at the bottom of the Marianas trench. It is that fucking deep and thick. But chapter one, chapter one, the voices inside your head. You see that? The voices in your side, your head. And chapter two, the, wait a minute. Chapter one, the voice inside your head. Chapter two, your inner roommate. That's that voice that talks to you fucking and can beat you up. Change your life. This is, by the way, of all the books I recommend, besides my own. Start with mine. A little plug for me. And read The Untethered Soul. If you want, and it's hard read, it's not for the weak at a faint at heart. You have to wanna fucking change your inner story. My best friend who doesn't believe in woo-woo doesn't believe in any of the spirituality stuff, doesn't necessarily believe in personal development. When I gave him this book and he read it, he fucking bought five copies to give to his sons, his friend, you know, several of his friends. When a guy like that does that, that tells you something. Get this book, Change Your Life, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. Can I get an amen? All right, Mel, thank you so much again. Let's keep swimming, let's keep swimming. Colleen says, thank you. Jolene says, inner self and awareness, very important as individuality, exactly. Marianne says, that's what the change in you is so much more energy. I'm happy for you, thank you so much. I appreciate that. Do you have a question for me? Let's see. Well, Jenny, you're such a brat. Forget about your hair. Let's talk about those amazing gold eyes. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. I think, Jolene, I don't know how to pronounce your name. Jonathan, two years without a relationship is nothing. Some have had so many more years, but least your work on yourself to know yourself better. No one can take advantage of you. Thank you. I do believe I'm a bit more discerning than ever before. Listen, folks, it's, listen. There are beautiful, kind-hearted women out there. I get it, but it's not like, by the way, let me tell you the problem with dating here for a second. I live in a condo complex with 600 units. I know about a half a dozen people here. My soulmate could be at the balcony right from across from me, and I don't know if she exists. Folks, the most amazing people could literally be around the corner, but we don't know what exists. And it's, and I know we've, and by the way, that's why, do you know when tinder was invented? The idea, it was a hookup app, but the idea was you're out on Thursday night having drinks with a girlfriend, you put a one-mile radius here, you put a one-mile radius, and you wonder if there's a cute guy in the bar around the corner from you. That's the way it was intended, to meet while you're already out. Now this has become the primary way to meet, become the primary way to meet, whether it's Bumble, Tinder, The League, hinge, match.com, just to name a few. So, and it's harder to meet this way because what's happened is we're treating people as disposable in the senses. You know, remember I mentioned pride and prejudice and I mentioned living in towns and villages in the beginning of this broadcast? What you think about this? When you were limited to 15 people in your tribe, that was it. You didn't get to choose, well, he's not tall. I'm five foot three and I want somewhere and six foot tall. You didn't get much choice. Now we've got an abundance of choice. In fact, if you haven't watched the TED Talk, paradox of choice. Someone write it in the chat box right now. Write the words, paradox of choice, TED Talk. This is a 20 minute video. This has nothing to do with dating and yet it has everything to do with how we perceive choice right now. So someone please write that in the box for me please. Paradox of choice. Can someone write that right now? Because I want to pop it up on the screen. It's a TED Talk. Okay. And I highly recommend checking it out. The paradox of choice. So anyway, well, nobody's written it. Come on, help me out here. Help a brother out. All right, there we go. Christine, hey, sweetheart. What are you doing here? Tell your hubby I said hi. Here's a couple that I love. Her and her husband are her husband. Folks, there's very few couples in my life that I've actually witnessed genuine, genuine, genuine unconditional love. And what I love about this couple, Chris and Christine, Steen is that they emulate, they've known each other since I think he was 30 years old and she was in her early 20s when they met. He's an attorney and she's a writer. By the way, you're a great writer, my dear friend. And I witness how much these two have gone through hell. And yet the one thing they do is they hold hands through this hell. It's painful to watch at times and yet beautiful at the same time. Painful because I don't want any of my friends to go through hell. I don't want any human being to go through hell. Let me reframe that. And yet genuine unconditional love says, I'm here. You matter. We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. I'm here meaning I'm present. You matter. I mean, that's just even the word saying you matter. We are important. That means our relationship is a separate entity. I've got your back. That means we're a team. I'm gonna be there for you when you need me. I'm not going anywhere. That means I'm fully committed to this relationship and I only want you. Means I only wanna fuck your brains out. At least that's what I love you means to me and that's what unconditional love is. So I invite everyone right now to breathe in. I'm here. You matter. We're important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. And it starts with wanting yourself first. It starts with wanting yourself first. What that could self love anyway? Link below. Christine, thank you, sweetheart. I love you. All right. Regina says, absolutely. Sandra says, I got the book. Yes, that's love. All right, folks. Let's see. We're gonna take one more question. Oh, Steen, I love you. Thank you so much. Give your hubby I said hi. All right. Let's see, let's go. All right, this will probably be our last question for the day question. Is there a smart way to get a ghosting guy to tell the girl why in one question attempt? So people ghost for a variety of different reasons. Sometimes it's the path of least resistance. Sometimes there's been a change of heart. Sometimes there's someone else that came into their life. I don't think you need to get them to say anything but I love saying something to them. And it could, by the way, I've had, I've actually had to send this message twice in the last three months. And the message, because I've been ghosted. I've been ghosted, I think three times in the last three months. I think it's part, I think the reason why this has happened so I could be a better coach. So, you know, universe, I get it. Okay, you don't need to give me more lessons. So I wrote this message and it said something like this. You know, I haven't heard from you and I can only assume that one of two things have happened. One, you've had a change of heart or two, something has happened to you. And if something has happened to you, I'm sending you a lot of love and care. And if you've had a change of heart, I just want you to know that I understand it's okay. And I'm gonna be fine. So I wanna wish you all the best on your journey and be well, warmly, Jonathan. I've sent that, basically a message like that twice. No, three times, excuse me. And, well, one time I turned out I misread, she didn't ghost me, it was miscommunication. But, which that happens with these fucking devices, we can so miscommunicate with one another. But you know what, closure isn't about them, it's about you. It's about getting that closure for yourself. So my invitation is to send the message so you can have closure and then you just move on. Simple as that. All right, Lynn, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, let's see what we have. Oh, Teresa, thank you so much. Admiring your coaching in you, thank you so much. Holly says, perfect, I love this, thank you so much. What else? Jennifer says, I color my hair, I have a minimum gray and I'm in my forties. Thank you so much. All right. All right, this'll be the last one. Do you have questions, Sandra writes, do you have a secret sauce to change an avoidant? You know, a person who's an avoidant, has most likely have suffered some real deep childhood trauma in their life. And oftentimes it's because they weren't loved by one or both of their parents. So the secret sauce is a shitload of fucking personal development work. It's a commitment to work on oneself. I've said it before, I say it again, the Hoffman process would be one, but most importantly, what I love about the Gottman's work, I mentioned the Gottmans, check out the Gottman Institute and check out the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. There's no real secret sauce. What it's going to take is a bit of herculean effort is to, so I mentioned before about a friend of mine here. We're part of a group of people that we get together as couples, when I was in a relationship, we got together as couples on a regular basis. And we did couple, there's still going on couples workshops. And in couples workshops, it's an opportunity to begin to speak to your partner from a heart-centered place, to speak to your partner both from a place of feelings. And I know you all love the idea of just sitting your feminine energy and letting the provider protector claim you because men are hunters and that's what they're supposed to do. That's all great in the beginning, but if you can't make your fucking relationship work, then what's the point of being claimed? What's the point of being with a provider protector unless you need your basic needs met? I'm here to encourage the following. So here's the secret sauce I recommend. Again, before the penis goes inside the vagina, purchase the book Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Start conversations. And then I highly recommend every one of you, the minute you have your next boyfriend in your life, once a quarter, find a couple's workshop in your area and start doing it together. But Jonathan, that will scare a guy away. Yeah, it'll scare the wrong guy away. Now I want to tell you something. There's a guy in my jacuzzi, a guy in my complex and we meet up at the jacuzzi every now and again. This is a former love and sex addict. It's kind of like a 12 step program. He is the most aware man. I mean, this guy is, by the way, he has done a shitload of fucking work to deal with it. And it's all a childhood wound that makes him crave love because he wasn't loved by his mom. He wasn't loved by his mom. And the way he thought to get love was to have sex with women. And it's not a healthy thing. He recognizes it. What I appreciate most is this is a man who's done a shitload of work because he had an avoidant personality and now he can lean into a relationship way more than ever before because he's fucking done the work. Folks, if you're not familiar with my relationship skills chart, look it. There it is. By the way, this is not a fact in its opinion. I believe roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues, real clinical issues. And while I say over here, 20% of the population is healthy, I'm being ridiculously generous because most everybody is fucking dysfunctional. Again, there are the needles in the haystack, but the way to get to a real, and by the way, emotional maturity, relationship skills, most people have terrible skills and this is you women as well. The way it's gonna work, it's talking, talking to one another. That's how it's gonna happen. Don't stick your head in the sand. You talk to your partner and if he runs away, he's not really your partner. Remember when I said earlier about being in love? Folks, it only really counts when you're both in love with each other and I shared about a couple earlier, Steen, Chris and Chris, they demonstrate unconditional love because they both are in love with each other. Don't compromise in this area unless you're okay with a casual relationship, a situation, or friends with benefits. But if you want something more, then set your standard higher than just sit back in your feminine energy and let me claimed. All right, you know, I have a hard on for that. All right, you know what, I've been rambling on. Has this been valuable? If it has, please let me know. Post a comment saying this has been valuable, this has been helpful. Tell me something that let me know this matters to you. Please hit that like button. Please share this with your friends and if you're watching this far in the replay, post a comment and tell me this was valuable to me. Please let me know this is making a difference in your life and please purchase the Super Sticker Super Chat before we wrap up today to give to that Connor Asley scholarship fund. Please let me know so I can do, because I'm excited to do this for you guys and gals. And I'm honored to be able to be a vehicle for your development as well. All right, let me see what we've got here before we wrap up. Bernadette says, helpful. Holly says, I'm so grateful. Yes, value for sure. Why can people be straight, why can't, can people be straight out? No bullshit, thank you so much. Steen, big heart. This has been amazing and yes, valuable. Thank you so much, sweetie. I love you. I love you all. I am so grateful for all of you who support my channel. This is, I love doing this. I'm a junkie for love. I really am a junkie for this shit. I am fascinated with human behavior. I think you human beings are ridiculously funny. You know, one of the best things about doing mushroom journeys. By the way, I do spiritual journeys with a shaman to tap into my divinity and also to tap into you Connor. I get so many fun journeys. When I do a journey, I get to connect with you and my mom. You know, it's the best. It's called the laughing drug and the meaning, or medicine I should say. Let me rewind the word drug, medicine because you laugh at the absurdity of life and human beings. I mean, human beings are so ridiculously funny. It's so funny. Anyway, and by the way, in all candidness, it's very sad, a lot of pain humans are experiencing in their life and that's sad. And so my invitation for all is to love on yourself because this is, you only get yourself, love yourself to vaccination to emotional chaos. All right, I'm done rambling. Thanks for allowing me to share. I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big, gigantic Joth and Baruch of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use a lot more love in our lives. So I wanna thank, why aren't there 196 likes? Yes, please give me more likes. Rita says, thank you, Mr. Mushroom. Great documentaries on mushrooms. Yes, there are some great documentaries on that. Thank you. Teresa says, thank you. Mystic Journey says, thank you. Maria, hold me tight. A great book, Hold Me Tight is a great book. Maria says, all you share is very valuable to me, Jonathan, thank you so much. Remember the paradox of choice I talked about earlier, everyone. Check out that TED talk, Paradox of Choice. All right, everyone. Thank you, Holly, Carmen, Colleen, Mel, Susan, Sandra, Sal, Cindy, Steen, everyone, oh wait, Kelly, and is it Neem? Oh, fuck, ah. Everyone, thank you so much. Sending you off with a big, gigantic Johnson Bear hug, wishing you a fab evening. Bye-bye now. And thank you for everything, I appreciate it.