 Studies show that people who do feel good and sexy and attracted to themselves, not only experience more sexual desire, not only respond more to erotic materials because they have an easier time picturing themselves as the leading person. They also experience more sexual pleasure. When we don't feel good about our bodies, we don't get to feel the optimal benefits of our bodies, which is why I am massively interested around the politics of the beauty standard and the sexiness standard. And while I was pregnant, I became even more fixated on this because all of a sudden I didn't qualify whatsoever. And these social norms that dictate which kinds of people or what kinds of bodies are worthy of feeling loved and given positive attention have a really negative effect for anybody who is not a part of this preferential group. So I'm working on a project. I work on many different projects as you guys know. And this one particular project, they wanted me to do a celebration photo, you know, a celebration of self. That can be a billion different things. I could have done a picture with me holding balloons, you know, at a party. But because I had just given birth to me, a celebration of myself was a celebration of my body. How proud I was of being able to accomplish childbirth. I felt sexy. I felt empowered. More importantly, I felt healthy and really, really good. And I submitted the image feeling really, really good and proud of it. And to my confusion, I guess in many ways it was rejected. I will put the caveat that it is a racy photo. And so it could have been rejected because it was a little bit too much for their taste. But what was interesting is that they rejected or declined to utilize that photo, but instead they asked they could use another picture of me that was also kind of racy, but of my body before I was pregnant. And that was an interesting thing because it's not that I was being told I wasn't good enough because it was still me. But they were saying this version of you is the version that we want to highlight. And I had a choice in that moment to either accept that my body didn't fit the definition that they were going with and so I could adopt their definition, or I could just say we have a difference of opinion. I still think that's fly. I still think I'm sexy. I still feel healthy and I still want to amplify that version of myself. And I'm really glad that I made that choice. And this video was done in hopes that it will empower you to make that choice. So for me, I feel so sexy right now. I feel like I can do anything. Girl, girl, get into the natural hair. It's sexy. It's sexy. This video is sponsored by Tula, a clean and effective skincare and wellness brand where 100% of the ingredients are made with probiotics and superfoods. 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All of the purchases. So the time that I most vividly remember feeling unsexy was the first time that I told my then partner that I have genital herpes. And I remember for like half a second or even less than that, he didn't look at me as if he saw a woman in front of him. He looked at me as if he saw a virus. I went to my home country India a few years back and I was a teenager and I noticed that every house I would go to would give me their unasked for opinions about my weight and how I'm looking. And they would be like, nobody's going to marry you, nobody's going to like want you. They really put me down. They made me feel ugly. So the last time I felt unsexy is right now. I recently cut my hair and that coupled with the quarantine 15, 20, 25 that I put on just has me feeling really frumpy. I have bipolar 2 rapid cycling bipolar 2 disorder. So my sexual, I guess, appetite or personality changes with my moods. My body changed so much after having a baby. Also the partner that I was with at the time trying to be intimate with them was a struggle for me. Not only because I didn't find myself sexy at the time, but also because I felt that I was always asking them for sex or sexual intimacy. And when you always have to ask someone, it doesn't really feel good. Right after I had just given birth, one of the first comments that came out of a family member's mouth was, you still look six months pregnant. And that was really traumatizing to me because I felt so powerful. I felt so powerful. I had just given birth to my daughter. I felt like my body was badass. And then boom, I realized other people didn't see me that way. My partner, she was helping me dry off after a shower and I had scars on my belly. I was very bloated. I was also very weak and kind of hunched over. And I just saw myself in the mirror and felt super defeated. And I felt like I wanted to hide myself. I don't know if sexy is going to come back until someone thinks I'm sexy again. This sounds so bad. Oh my God. What is wrong with me? The most frustrating as well as the most fun part about the journey back to sexy, your own definition of what that is, is that there is no one size fits all approach. So that's fun because it's creative, it's explorative, and you get to explore the best topic in the whole entire world, you, it's frustrating because I can't and no one else can write a recipe for you on what exactly to do. But what I can do is hope to inspire you with my story and share other people's stories and through that you can get some ideas on what's going to be your unique and fascinating and fun path. Now what is interesting about the two things that I am currently doing to reclaim my space as a desirable, sexy, attractive, sensual woman is there things that I've done probably my entire life. It's kind of like how a lot of people ask me about purpose. How did I find my purpose as a sex educator? And for me, it wasn't about finding or looking ahead, it was going back and reclaiming. When I thought about my earliest instincts, when I was really young, what did I know to be true? What did I feel was good? What was I naturally drawn to? The human body was the answer that came to mind from a very, very young age. And so oftentimes when we have to really find the good in ourselves, we have to forget and unlearn all of the negative talk that we have said to ourselves and others have said to us that have gotten us off of our path. And I think when it comes to embracing your sensual self, that's pretty much it as well too. I remember at a really young age being very deliberate about the way that I cared for my body as I got a little older and I got into self-pleasure. I don't know who taught me this, but I was well into setting the mood with music, putting a mirror in front of myself, getting lotions that smelled and felt good that had good ingredients to them. And I'm talking like not at an age where I was going out and swiping and buying stuff for myself. It was just like an intuitive instinct in me that if I was going to spend time with my body, that I was going to delight in the experience and make it special for myself. The second thing that I am doing is I'm expanding the definition of these terms to ensure that I feel good and fit inside of them. I've had to redefine for myself what sexy is supposed to look like, what it's supposed to feel like, and what sexy is. So I'm finding more sexiness in how I dress and communicating my needs and my ideas and being a community-oriented person. I'm working on myself internally so that it reflects outwardly. And I'm doing that by cutting back on social media. I'm meditating, I'm reading and I'm really like focused on trying to identify the patterns and the ways in which I'm self-sabotaging. And I got fully naked and I just like looked up at the sky and I said, this is my body and I'm going to learn to love it because if not, I'm going to make it my worst enemy for the rest of my life. And that is the last thing I want, but it took a lot of inner work, a lot of self-love and a lot of appreciating myself where I was at. No matter if my body hasn't changed that much. Essentially, I got my sexy back by talking about my diagnosis everywhere, like whether it was in real life or online to, you know, co-workers or friends or partners. Because the more I talk about it, the more comfortable I feel with the information and the more I own this information that's a part of who I am. I think at that time I realized that my sexual weather patterns, no matter how rapidly changing they were, that they actually have versatility. Like when I'm depressed, I need gentleness and maybe I don't want physical touch, but my heart needs intimacy. And then maybe when I'm very sunny or manic, I want to garden all the time. I think it's a superpower to be versatile, not a lack. And it's very important for me to identify as sexy just more so for myself, because I've always thought that, oh, you're a beautiful person and things like that. But when I feel sexy, I almost feel strong. Shout out to everyone who submitted a video. I got so many bad ass and inspiring submissions, which lets me know that this is a topic that hits home for a lot of people. And I want to know how it hits for you. So in the comment section, please share your stories with me. What is a time that you specifically feel like you lost touch with your sexy side? And what did you do to gain it back? Or what are you currently doing to gain that word back for yourself? 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